Flashback: Mart's POV

He shouldn't have been surprised.

Considering how close it was to Dan's birthday, and how dreary the cold, gray skies had been making everyone feel, he should have known he would have company that day out at the old cemetery.

And yet, he was surprised.

Because it was Hallie.

And she looked like she was struggling.

He didn't know what to say at first.

Imagine that. The mouth himself. The human dictionary didn't know what to say.

Trixie would love it if she could see me now, Mart Belden thought, as he stared silently at the trembling Hallie Regan who was slowly approaching him through the sea of tombstones.

It was almost hilarious to him how he couldn't make his mouth work. He was afraid to say anything that would make his cousin freak out like she did that day at the hospital several years before when Dan Mangan had slipped away from them.

No. He knew he could not stand to see that again.

Hallie froze in her place the moment she saw him, now giving Mart the fuel he needed for his signature teasing.

Just keep it light, he told himself.

"Don't panic," he called out in a jovial tone, "I'm not a ghost. Just some crazy graduate student who got lost on his way to class."

He tried to flash his goofiest grin, but she didn't seem impressed.

"Brian always said you had no sense of direction, Mart." Hallie replied drily.

"What brings you out on this fine, spring day?" He held his arms out wide to indicate the uncharacteristically winter-like atmosphere around them.

Hallie snorted.

"Mmmm. Yes. Fine day, alright. I just couldn't resist this wonderful weather, you know. So bright and happy."

"Just like you."

"Mmmm. Yes." Hallie repeated.

I don't know which is worse, Mart thought to himself painfully, when she finally lets loose and cries, or when she fights herself like this to hold it all in.

He could tell that his cousin had come there to be alone with her thoughts, and he was about to make up an excuse to leave when she suddenly did something he was not expecting.

She fell down on her knees in front of Dan's grave and started to pray.

Mart felt as if all the air in his body was being squeezed out of him.

This was not what he thought she would do at this moment. Hallie had never been an outwardly emotional or ceremonial person, and she had certainly never prayed in front of him.

It was a beautiful gesture, yet it left Mart feeling somewhat frightened and disturbed. Maybe it was the way she prayed with such abandon that it appeared as if her very life depended upon what she was mumbling. She didn't sway or rock, nor did she cry out. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary or joltingly intimidating about Hallie's stance. Yet, despite her still, quiet meditations, Mart's very soul was stirred within him.

Again, he was speechless.

After an uncomfortable wait, his cousin opened her eyes and looked up at him with a shaky expression.

"I'm sorry, Mart. I…I just…felt so…lost."

Her usually strong voice was barely a whisper.

"It's alright, Hallie." Mart could hear the husky emotion in his own voice, and the depth of it surprised him. It had sounded more like his father's voice than his own.

That came out of me?

Without hesitation, Hallie stood and moved to wrap her arms around her cousin's thin frame, burying her head into his chest. Her trembling had stopped, and Mart was relieved to discover that she was not crying against him, but simply holding him and allowing him to hold her.

Until it happened, he hadn't realized that he, also, had been greatly in need of a hug.

"I miss him, too." Mart said gently against her hair. He felt the young woman relax in his arms, and he slowly began rubbing small circles on her back as he held her. She patted him gently between his shoulder blades.

"You know, I don't regret falling for Bill, right? You know I love him." Hallie said it quietly as she pulled away. "It's not about that, you know?"

"I know." Mart nodded. "You just miss Dan. We all do. I can't imagine how much Regan misses him, too."

Hallie lowered her head and stared at the ground as if she were humiliated about something. The sight of it tore at Mart's heartstrings.

"I lost a baby, today." She stated numbly.

And Mart was blown away.

"You…you what? I'm sorry, did you just say…"

Hallie looked up at him now, her blackberry eyes hauntingly glassy and void of expression.

"I don't know what happened. Bill and I weren't even trying. We found out last week that we were pregnant, but when I went to the doctor today…he said…" Hallie shrugged. "He said…it was gone."

"Oh Hallie, I'm so, so sorry."

"I should have known something like this would happen," Hallie shook her head bitterly. "I should have known."

Mart pulled her to him once again and was surprised at how stiff she was this time.

"No. Don't think like that." Mart soothed as he rubbed her back again.

But, she didn't relax in his arms as she had done before.

Oh no, she blames herself for this, Mart thought.

Hallie pulled back and turned away to sit on a nearby stone bench. Mart followed suit.

"When am I ever going to learn?" She whined pitifully. A sob caught in her throat.

"Learn what?" Mart slipped an arm around her small shoulders.

"To stop…trying to…bargain…with…God." Hallie lost control and bent over with tears spilling into and out of her trembling fingers.

It was more than Mart could take. He felt his own hot tears escaping and burning long trails down his face as he and Hallie clung to each other and cried.

Neither of them moved for a long while.

When he could finally speak again, Mart held Hallie at arm's length and began to try and make sense of the guilt that seemed to be ripping her apart.

"Hallie, bargaining and guilt are just normal parts of the grieving process. You've gotta believe that. And, now you're grieving for this baby, too? On top of being hormonal and everything else that's going on in your busy world right now, I think you have the right to feel the way you do. Believe me, I understand."

"Oh Mart, I haven't even told Bill, yet. I feel horrible. He's going to be so disappointed, and I don't exactly know how to explain this to you…but…but I know it's my fault."

Her despair touched a nerve, causing Mart to suddenly grip her shoulders and give her a gentle shake.

"Stop it, Hallie. Do you hear me?"

It came out a bit more sternly than he had intended.

"This is by no means your fault. These things…just happen. Like Dan getting sick, and that earthquake that happened in Japan last week, and…and Grandma forgetting who we are all the time, now. Bad things happen, and they're just a part of life. Troubles come. But, no one is to blame for them."

She jerked away from him and stood up quickly, hugging her arms tightly around herself as she slowly shuffled back to stand over Dan's grave.

"You…don't know…everything, Mart."

Despite the way her words deeply hurt him, Mart tried to keep himself open and available for her to share her feelings.

"Then, tell me…" he said softly.

"It's bad enough I broke a promise to Dan…" Hallie started bitterly. She closed her eyes and shook her head as if she were disgusted with herself. "I didn't ask Bill to destroy the Cryobank samples…like I knew he wanted. But, this… this is payback for something else. I know it is." She swallowed hard. "Because…no one gets away with lying to God."

Mart suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He didn't understand what she was talking about, but he could tell her pain ran deeper than the miscarriage she had just experienced or even Dan's death.

"I..I don't understand."

Hallie gave a sarcastic "hmph" and violently swiped at the tears in her eyes.

"You know what, forget it…it's okay. It doesn't matter. I'm really over it. Really. It's just like you said. I'm hormonal, I'm still grieving over Dan…I'm…just…not capable of making sense right now."

"Hallie…"

"It's okay. Alright? I'm okay. I just need…I need to go and tell Bill." Her actions were too quick and too drastically different from a moment before, and Mart knew instinctively that Hallie was putting up a front.

"Can I drive you?" He asked, concerned.

"No. Please," she gave him a genuine smile through stubborn tears, "you've been amazing. I'll be okay."

"Honestly?"

"Truly. I'm over it."

But, deep in his soul, Mart knew she wasn't.

As Hallie later made her way through the cemetery and back to her car, tripping blindly from an onslaught of uncontrollable tears, she couldn't stop thinking about the string of broken promises she was guilty of. Her burdened heart brought each of them to mind, one by one.

And, the one that squeezed her chest the most was the one she made to Dan one romantic evening when she honestly would have said or done anything to make him happy…