-25-

Alex got up early on Monday, though up early implied that she'd slept, when what she'd done probably didn't meet the strict definition of the word. She decided to get there before 5, to force Olivia to see her before she left town. Any gesture now could be very right, or very wrong, but Alex wasn't the type to sit back and wait. She'd spent enough years regretting things she hadn't told Olivia, and wasn't going to go down that road again.

She had arrived at Liv's at 10 minutes 'til 5, and when she got to Olivia's floor, the detective was just locking her door, duffel bag at her feet in the hallway.

She turned, leaned over to pick up the bag, and didn't see Alex there until she stood up. "Alex. What are you doing here?"

Alex didn't answer, couldn't speak through tears that had come instantaneously, and from nowhere. Olivia didn't know what she should do. She was still angry, and hurt. But Alex was clearly hurting, too, and it was because of her. It killed her. She made a decision that, for this moment, letting her stand there and cry was cruel, and Liv felt she'd probably doled out enough cruelty for one week.

She opened her arms, and Alex stepped into them, sobbing, shaking.

"Honey." It was all Olivia said. She wasn't ready to say anything like I'm sorry or I forgive you, so she hoped this could be enough for now. They just stood like that for several long minutes, neither of them speaking. Finally, Olivia loosened her embrace, and looked at Alex.

"You look like shit, Cabot." And Alex started to laugh, but was crying again before she could reply. "Want to come in for a bit?"

"Please." It was the first word she'd said, unsteady and quavering.

Olivia unlocked the apartment again, threw her bag in and pulled Alex in by her hand.

The apartment was dark, the sun not due up for another couple of hours. They sat on the couch, and felt timid and strange, and afraid of one another, and of themselves. Alex couldn't stand it for long, never could deal with stillness and silence when she was upset. She stood up. "Mind if I make coffee?"

"That's fine," Olivia said.

Alex stayed in the kitchen until it was brewed, gathering herself as much as she could, but was almost undone when she fixed Olivia's mug. Their morning routine was one of the unexpected intimacies that made Alex feel like she would never again find any happiness that didn't involve Olivia. She tried to rein it in, took the mugs to the living room, and sat down with Olivia on the couch.

"I just want to apologize, Olivia. I've made a big mistake, and I never thought about how it would affect you. It was never my intention to hurt you."

"I know, Al. I do know that."

"Then come home. Or let me come home. Or, just don't go out of town, at least. Be near me, even if you can't be with me."

"I gave it a lot of thought yesterday," Olivia said. "And I think we need to take a break."

"I don't need a break," Alex answered immediately.

"But I do," Olivia said. "I have to make some decisions, and I can't do that unless...I just need to figure some things out for myself, Alex. Besides, I don't know what's going to come of all of this. Don't you think it would be better if we weren't seeing one another for a while?"

"Better for whom?"

"For...God, I don't know, maybe for everyone."

"Not for me."

"Alex, please, honey, don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"Why not, Liv?" she asked. "Why shouldn't I make it hard for you to leave me? I don't want to lose you, so I can't just step aside and hold the door for you. I'm going to fight to keep you."

"I'm not saying forever, I'm not. Just, while the investigation..."

"Fuck the investigation." The statement was firm, declarative. "I told you I wouldn't spend a single minute denying that I love you, and I won't."

"At the precinct on Thursday you asked me to stop talking, not to say anything more to Tucker. For me, you said. Now, for me I'm asking you to just let this storm pass by. Let me figure all of this out and try to get out of it with minimal damage, to either of us."

"Then what?"

"Then, we'll pick up where we left off. Or start over. Or, you know, whatever."

"I don't know whatever."

"Please, Alex, I just need to handle one thing at a time," she shook her head slowly. "I'm going to go now. Stay as long as you want. You have your key with you?"

Alex nodded. "You'll call me when you..."

"I will." Olivia had grabbed her keys, stepped toward the door.

"I'll be waiting, when you're ready. I love you, Liv, and I know I've hurt you, but you have to give me another chance."

She moved back over to the couch, and hugged Alex, and kissed her, tasting salt on her lips from her earlier tears. "Enjoy the visit with your family."

She left, not saying anything more, knowing that she was so close to just staying, but she couldn't.

After she left, Alex sat for a while, no desire to get up or lay down or even to think. Eventually, she went looking for the present she'd bought for her aunt. She found it, in the bedroom on the dresser, and remembered abandoning it there a week earlier. She'd been preparing to wrap it, but Liv had surprised her with two warm hands under her sweater, gently tracing her ribs, and the package had been forgotten.

"Fuck." The word came out in a hiss, as if Alex was deflating, air leaking out where the memory's sharp edges had pricked tiny holes in her. She picked up the small jewelry case and turned to leave.

On her way out, she saw a large, flat box on the bed, wrapped, with her name written on a tag, and a note lying on top.

Alex,

I couldn't wait to give this to you. Please open it tomorrow.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Olivia

She gathered it up, as gently as if it was the only thing still holding them together, and took it, along with her aunt's present, back to her place.

Olivia had called about 8:30 to let her know she was in Latham, safe and sound. They didn't linger on the phone long.

"Will you call me tomorrow, for Christmas?" Alex asked before they hung up.

"I will. Bright and early."

Colin Samuels had spent all of the previous week in Albany at some time-waster of a conference with the AG. He had watched Cabot's appearance on CNN Tuesday night in his hotel room, and considered bagging the rest of the week and heading back on Wednesday to deal with her. Something was bugging him though, some niggling little doubt at the back of his mind kept him in Albany, and gave him time to think. What he learned, and what he decided over the next few days, surprised even him.

At 9:00 on Monday morning, Samuels called Cabot. He knew she'd answer; she was definitely the type to stand tall on the day of reckoning. He was right, and she picked up on the first ring.

"Cabot."

"It's Samuels. I know it's Christmas Eve, but if you're in town, I need to meet with you for a bit."

"Sure, what time?"

"Eleven, if that works for you. But not at the office," he said. "Let's grab coffee."

"Okay," she said, as neutrally as possible, not sure if she'd have a job by lunchtime.

"Equinox on E. 63rd, that work for you?"

"Sure, I'll be there."