A/N: I am still in love with 'Decisions and Dominoes' - if you haven't read it, go, do it! To alll other Fic-A-Thon 2013 writers, I am not reading your stories right now, because I don't wanna influence my own. For all that see a resemblance to Flashpoint33's above mentioned story, I planned to send Kate to Burke early on, it just didn't fit. But I assumed that a huge step in a relationship would urge her to see him, don't you think? Enjoy, lovelies :-)

Chapter 25 - In the Course of the Conversation

After the elevator doors had closed and all the detectives on the floor were more or less occupied, no one noticed the small plushie that sat on the edge of Beckett's monitor. Neither would they notice the little beeping sound it made. Just once. One small beep.

Stoic.

This was one of the words which came to mind when Kate thought about Dr. Carter Burke. The way he sat there in his leather chair, supporting his chin with one of his hands, his glance piercing, his posture always upright, focussed, attentive. He had something calm about him that made Kate feel welcome but he still asked the painful questions, questions she needed to think about.

Mostly it had been situations that had dealt with her PTSD because that's why she had been sent to a psychiatrist in the first place. Exploring the depths of Katherine Houghton Beckett - in ways she had never felt possible. She soon realized that Dr. Burke had the ability to make her realize things, take the dull, grey veil away and make her see things crystal clear.

She remembered him asking her about plans for her future. What she felt about Castle distancing from her right when she was making such good progress at opening up. Even if she just showed flickers of it to her writer. Burke didn't stop at her silence but he always sensed when she wasn't ready to continue. He pressed but never too hard and this might be one of the reasons Kate trusted her psychiatrist the way she did.

At first, Kate hadn't been too excited to be forced to the appointments with a shrink. Even if it became some sort of normality that people saw shrinks, had meltdowns and had stress reactions, one could still feel the stigma of being seen at a shrink's office. Also, it made you appear weak. Although Kate would seldom admit it to any of her friends or Castle, she had feared being vulnerable, weak and defenseless. She had even considered not talking to the psychiatrist at all. She had wanted to be stubborn thinking that simply declaring herself able to work and carry a gun would be enough. So she had sat in the corner of Dr. Burke's office, her legs tucked up, her arms folded, her face unreadable. And if you read just one thing on her face from time to time, clearly it was annoyance.

Until she realized that she couldn't sit there forever without any progress. She refused to let that happen. Life could be steady from time to time and she didn't mind that at all. Since she worked in a field in which lives were thrown out of balance each and every day, she sometimes struggled to stay put. It was hard sometimes, not to get sucked into a dangerous vortex of lies, love, mystery, crime and betrayal. Kate had seen them all, the easy 'Jack killed Jill for Bill' murders that Esposito had preferred in the beginning. Not much dreaded paperwork on these ones, that was for sure. But there were other murders. The ones that had cut deep. The ones that had to do with family, trust and betrayal. With the denial of motherly love and affection, with ugly divorces and split ups, with men cheating on women and women cheating on men and all other constellations you could imagine.

Whenever a case was closed and the paperwork was done, Kate felt a certain sense of relief and closing somebody's else's case helped her gloss over the fact that she hadn't been able to solve her mother's stabbing. Granted, she had been somewhat successful identifying the person that was behind the order to kill her mother but what good did it do? Did it really help realizing that she was unable to do anything about it? That she even had to consider allying with the person she probably hated the most? That this person might actually become the next president and his power would become limitless?

Nothing had been able to fill the parts of her that had been left empty when her mother was killed.

Until now.

Some parts were now filled.

"So, Kate ..." Burke started the conversation "It's been a while ..."

"Yeah" she said, feeling somewhat ashamed. She had prolonged the intervals between the sessions, which wasn't such a bad thing if you thought about it. Clearly, it must mean that something in her life was right, didn't need any fixing. Right?

"I assume your live had a lot to offer?"
He gave her an idea on how to continue. Why did she feel so tongue-tied?

"Yeah" she said again. If she annoyed Dr. Burke, he didn't let it show. But really, who wouldn't be at least slightly annoyed if you sat down and wanted to talk about things and then one person just didn't talk?

"Yeah, you could definitely say that" she managed to choke out and rose to her feet, pacing up and down the room, behind the chair she had just sat in.

"You seem tense?"
He tried to make her speak about her feelings and she really should, shouldn't she? He could give her input, help her focus again. Even give her clues to find Tyson?

Kate just nodded and stopped walking.

"I'm getting married" she blurted out and the glimpse of genuine surprise on her psychiatrist's face made her oddly proud.

"Well, Kate, that's ... something" Dr. Burke said, quickly regaining his professionalism.

"Something you never thought I could do, huh?" she said and he shook his head, vigorously.

"Never is a harsh word" Burke protested "and I don't like to use it. I don't think that there are things that never change. Everything transforms, but even if you might think it, standstills don't really exist."

If that referred back to the fact that the pain about the loss of her mother became a dull ache somewhere in a corner in her heart, then he was right. If he meant that her feelings changed from desperation to determination because she just had to find the person that was responsible for her mother's murder, then yes again, Burke was right. If she had needed her 'walls' to protect her from being able to love and getting hurt by it, then that was again a clear 'yes'.

And now the big things changed.

"I must admit that it is a surprise, though" Burke said, looking her straight in her eyes.

"Yeah, for me, too..." she answered, slowing down, finally able to sit back down in her chair. "Things have been so ... complicated in the last couple of weeks, I don't even know where to start."

"Just pick something, Kate, in no particular order. And we will add things when we need them..." Dr. Burke said and he made it sound so easy, just talking things through, seeing connections that she hadn't been able to see alone. Finding a structure among the chaotic and hectic times and the rushed choices she had made.

So she told him everything.

How she hadn't been sure of Castle and didn't know where it came from. How she had felt under appreciated even if that wasn't actually the case. How another man had said the right things in the right moments to make her doubt whatever she had with her writer. How she had flinched. How she had been able to tell Castle right away, not hiding what had happened between her and Vaughn.

She also mentioned how she hadn't been able to tell her boyfriend that she had felt under appreciated. That she wasn't sure how to phrase that another man had made her feel special and that she didn't want that. There was just this one person that should make her feel special. Rick. No one else.

She told him all that.

And he listened.

Just like that.

Then they tackled the job offer from the attorney general's office. And Burke said something that had Kate thinking for several moments.

"Why is it that you mention the job offer after you told me that you're getting married?"

When Kate was finally able to find pieces of an answer - because, really, how could her answer include everything she had felt in the course of the last few weeks? - she just said: "Because it's the thing I am more proud of."

"And that's why ...?

"Because it is something I didn't think I could do. I always though that I would do it just once but I never committed to anyone enough to even make it seem possible. No one lasted. Because I didn't allow them to last..." she trailed off, looking at Dr. Burke intently but he didn't give her the confirmation she was looking for.

"Is that true?" he asked instead and Kate recalled the conversation she and Castle had had in her apartment, now more than three years back. How he had confronted her with the fact that she had hidden in relationships with men that she didn't really love. And how he hadn't answered her when she had wanted to know what they, her and him, what they were.

Friends. Not, never just that.

They had always been more.

"Yeah. I never wanted them to last. Makes me feel horrible. But I just ... I just needed steadiness. I didn't realized that I already had that..."

"So, does that mean you could take any job? Anywhere?" Burke asked.

"Basically? I understood that I didn't wanna do any other if I can't do it with him."

"You mean Castle..." Burke said and she confirmed his assumption with a nod.

"So, marriage ..."

"Yeah" sha said again and Burke let out a soft sigh of frustration.

The loft was already quiet when Beckett carefully opened the door to Castle's loft. She smellled the faint odor of food that had been freshly made but put away.

She slowly tapped toward the bedroom, finding him sitting on his side of the bed, absorbed by a new book.

"Hey" he said when he became aware of her presence. "How'd it go?"

"Can we just ... not ... talk about it right now?" Kate said, fully aware of his piercing stare, but too exhausted to communicate any more than a wish goodnight or the question who wanted to use the bathroom first.

"Okay" he said, understanding that there was no need to push her this time. She had been pushed enough today and needed some rest. "Can I offer you a nice, long foot massage?"

"That would help a lot, actually" she said softly and stroked his cheek.

"Then a foot massage it shall be" he said, channeling his inner bard and softly pushed her towards the bedroom. Their bedroom.

"Let's get you in the shower and into bed" he said and she pouted. "What, you think I smell?"

"I even like sweaty Beckett, two-days-unshowered Beckett, after-running Beckett, bacon-flavoured Beckett ... what makes you think that I wouldn't like you, even if you smelled right now, Detective?" he mocked her and she grinned.

"Still ..." he carefully mapped her face, her neck, her collarbones... "I like your cherry shampoo the best!"

"I bet you do" she answered and allowed him to actually shove her into the bathroom.

"Be quick, I have dinner ready and then I'll get you to bed." She saluted and left for the shower.

Complications.

Unnecessary complications.

The cellar was moist, the air smelled like mildew and the only window provided barely enough light to see one's own feet. The weak light bulb didn't help at all, too. He had to do something about that. He wanted to make her see what he saw, after all. Once his preparations were completed. With his accomplice down - respectively being unable to help - he would have to double his efforts. It was too bad that his beautiful detective friend would only be a pawn on his big check board.

Easy to sacrifice but also easy to place wherever it was needed. Exactly what he had done.

They would never realize that he had switched Castle's stupid plushie for another, identical one. One small change that meant a lot. It meant that he could listen to whatever Detective Kate Beckett said when she was at work. Could participate in their little talks, their banter, their private whisperings.

He needed to know.

Needed to know how far he had already invaded their thinking.

If it worked.

If they'd also move on his check board the way he desired them to.

They had to.

He needed them to.

His revenge depended on it.

"I feel like I can do anything with him."

"And does that frighten you?"

"It does. You have no idea how frightening that is."

Yeah, that was basically the gist of the whole conversation with her psychiatrist. Kate shook her head. It all came down to that, didn't it?

She felt his strong arms around her waist as he embraced her and let out a content purr.

"What, Detective, have you become a cat now?"

"A satisfied one, you could say" she responded and wiggled herself free. Dinner had been fantastic. Castle has whipped up a stir fry from scratch and it had been delicious.

"Are you ready for my exclusive foot massage?" he teased.

"Nothing I haven't already had" she shot him one of the smiles that she reserved solely for him and she saw him shiver. "What Castle, are you cold? Do we need to turn on the heater?"

"Woman!" he growled and with a few strides he had caught up with the fleeing Kate.

"Will you eventually tell me what you and Burke spoke about today?" Castle asked, suddenly all too serious again.

"About what a coward I've been?" Kate responded and Castle opened his mouth to contradict but Kate couldn't let it happen "no, Castle, I said you can't let me off the hook too easily, remember? I have been a coward and I have been stupid for thinking that I could do anything without you anymore. That I was selfish for lying to you and not including you. And that I am so frightened by the prospect of basically doing everything I've ever wanted. With you."

"That's what you said?"

"Yeah, Castle, that's what I said. In a nutshell. Now can we do the massage?"

"Right, massage. Let's do this!"

A/N: Murder board picture link will be included later, I wanted to get this out to you first. Please be so kind and leave a review if you have the time? You're seriously awesome!