Disclaimer: Props to Steph—she's the one who owns Twilight et al.
Much love to my fantastic beta, AquariumJenn, who is one of the hardest working beta's out there and I so appreciate all of her time on my fic. Also many thanks to my pre-reader, Dazzled10, without whom I would surely go totally insane.
~x~o~x~
After breakfast (or lunch, I guessed by the clock) we got dressed to go for a stroll.
I wasn't sure I was ready to face the beach so soon, after the horrible ordeal back in Vancouver, but we thought perhaps we'd drive to Carmel and walk on a beach there. The temperature was getting a bit chilly toward the late afternoon and we were glad we'd brought sweaters.
Edward had someone purchase matching brown hoodie zip-up sweaters for us. Such a cute idea and they were so cozy.
We held hands during most of the walk and on the way back we were against the wind. He put his arm around my shoulders, drawing me close to his body for warmth.
We didn't need to talk incessantly because the silence was meaningful too. The way he looked at me with his caring eyes said so much. It was really starting to sink into my head, this 'us' - as in forever.
It was a mellow sensation in the deep recesses of my core.
I had a 'wow' moment.
This halted me and I put my arms around his waist, squeezing hard. He was surprised but grabbed my face and leaned down to kiss me.
"What was that about? You looked like you just found something," he commented in between short kisses.
"In a way…it was sort of an epiphany. My brain finally caught up to my heart and it sort of shocked me."
"Are you going to keep me in suspense?" He was walking backwards, facing me while pulling me by the hands.
"You have to ask? I love you. And…you love me! That's incredible!" I stopped again, waiting, looking at his beautiful face.
He laughed as he put his arms around me and twirled me around, my feet flying out from under me. And then he abruptly stopped and gently let me down. We both had momentarily forgotten about my recent back incident apparently. We held our breath for a while. It was fine.
"Yes! I know. It is incredibly wonderful." He bent down to kiss me hard, still holding me tightly.
This was finally a nice beach experience. If only our house wasn't so far away…
On the way back, we stopped at a Mexican restaurant we'd noticed on the way in and ate dinner. They had a small deck outside, facing the water so we could see the sunset while we ate. The food was authentic and delicious.
The wait staff was excited as they recognized Edward and asked if he'd mind signing autographs and taking a few pictures. He was cool about it and complied. They pretty much left us alone after that.
The table we were at was fortunately well hidden and the other patrons were not fully able to view us. After eating, he pulled his chair closer to mine and we gazed at the sunset in its final few minutes. It was romantic as Edward wrapped his arm around me, engaging in periodic kissing.
I opened my eyes during one kiss and caught a glimpse of someone approaching us. This person had a big camera in his hands. Oh no.
"Edward, there's a photographer coming toward us," I whispered into his ear.
"Let's go." Edward tried to make light of what had happened but his agitation was evident by how intense his driving was.
"Do you think the staff at the restaurant squealed?"
The speed was starting to frighten me, considering how curved and narrow the road was.
"Could be…or someone just saw us in passing, someone I didn't notice. I'm sort of used to it and can tell if someone has spotted me - it's made me paranoid in a fucked up way."
"Are they still after us?" I was immediately regretting my words, not wanting to anger him any more than necessary. I could see that his attention was divided between the perilous highway and the unseen annoyance in the rearview mirror.
I didn't know what we'd do if that was the case. Would we go home? Or would that divulge our address to a horde of media? Where would we escape?
"Not sure yet. I'm going to call Jasper. He always has a plan to get me to a safe place," he explained as he took out his cell.
Jasper gave him instructions on the speaker as he drove and I held the cell. We headed to the studio lot, where the paparazzi weren't allowed to enter.
Once there we switched vehicles, moving into a blue van with no windows and were driven by Jasper. He navigated randomly, making sure we weren't being followed and then took us to the beach house. His calm, confident manner was immediately placating both Edward and myself, as if he were emanating some invisible sedative into the air around us.
It felt like we'd been gone for days, instead of hours. Once inside safely, we plunked down onto the sofa and Edward flicked on the fireplace. It was getting chilly. We cuddled, watching the mesmerizing flames, and willing their warmth to reach us.
He asked if he could get me anything.
"Anything?" My eyebrow lifted, playfully.
In the very next moment, his hand wove through the back of my hair and pulled me to him. He was light-hearted in his kissing, teasing me in his tantalizing way.
I started laughing, which infectiously spread to him. We fell off the sofa in a fit we couldn't control. He fell first, onto his back, and I was soon on top of him. I sat up, straddled his waist and he grabbed my hands to hold me up. I leaned down to kiss him and he spread my arms to the side to make it easier.
We somehow managed to make our way to the bedroom in the darkness.
xOxOxOx
We enjoyed the next few weeks all to ourselves. I managed to take it easy enough to not hurt myself. It just meant taking our time and being gentle. Not such a bad thing.
The therapy started shortly after the first weekend. The therapist came to the house every morning at eleven o'clock, the sessions being forty-five minutes long.
The exercises consisted of range of motion movements as well as stretching, so that the muscles didn't atrophy or stay weak.
I was told there would be pain before it would feel better. It tired me out and I usually had a nap after she was gone.
Edward would spend the time either on the Internet or reading in bed beside me, waiting for me to wake up. Then he'd prepare a healthy late lunch for us to have on the deck.
It was a ritual we quickly became accustomed to, like a couple of old-timers. Well, actually, I was the only old one here. I resolved to get well quickly, so he wouldn't be dragged down by me.
He seemed content staying home and being alone with me but I had to wonder if that was really enough for him.
"You know, I don't mind if you go out with your friends." I meant to sound approving, not like I was giving him permission or anything.
"It's pretty mind-numbing for you to be stuck here with me all the time, isn't it?" I didn't really want to hear the answer to that but, since I'd thrown it out there, what could I do?
"Don't be daft. There's nowhere I'd rather be. I'm not the least bit interested in clubbing or stuff like that. Perfectly happy here with you." He said it so matter-of-factly that I think I almost believed him.
"Besides, I'm never leaving you alone again..." His thoughts no doubt transported him back to the day I disappeared.
Aha – he was feeling guilty and wouldn't let himself put me in danger, no matter what.
I'm not sure what I could do to help him get over his anxiety. I guess the image of me after being attacked so brutally was hard to erase from memory. My daughter coming to visit would give him the out that he needed.
I'd have to help him to leave me to go to work or something then. Or - I had a flash of inspiration - maybe he could arrange to have some of his friends come to visit here. When I mentioned this he was hesitant, but agreed to think about it.
"I don't even have to be around you guys, I'll watch a movie or something in the bedroom. You need to catch up with your friends. It'll be good for you."
"What makes you think I wouldn't want you to be here too? Are you reverting back to your old thought patterns - the ones where you're not good enough for me?"
My face was now in between his two hands, his eyes intently gazing into mine.
"No, umm…I don't think so, I don't know…it's just that, um…I don't want you to end up resenting me for keeping you isolated or something," I was only trying to be honest with him. He was clearly did not agree with my assessment of his situation.
"You know, the only thing in this relationship that drags me down is your lack of confidence. I don't understand why you just can't truly believe that I'm not ashamed of you and I want to be with you all the time. It doesn't matter what we do or don't do, as long as we're together. I don't need outside entertainment. You are all I need to be happy."
He guided me onto his lap and started to convince me with his lips, once again. I kind of was turned on by his methods of coercion, the intensity of his arguments, the fierceness in his touch…
The next day after my therapy, Edward said he'd called a few of his friends and invited them over for a BBQ in the evening. He thought it would ease my mind if I saw him reconnecting with his friends. He was right.
He came to lie next to me as I napped. I felt safe with him so close.
I was becoming way too attached, to the point of co-dependency. It wasn't that I minded it for myself but I knew, in my head, that it wouldn't be a good thing for him.
I needed him to feel separate from me, too. I needed to know that he would be all right without me - if anything ever happened to me. It almost had. Something had happened to me. I saw how he wouldn't let go of me then. I just needed to know that the support system was in place for him.
After my nap, I helped him with the menu and grocery list for the get-together, saying I could do the shopping for him if I just knew where to go. Apparently, all we had to do was phone the supermarket and have it delivered. They'd even prepare party trays of appetizers, pretty much anything we needed. So in the end, there wasn't a lot I that I needed to do.
Edward's friends began arriving just after 6 p.m., dependent on their shooting schedules. Some were from the film he was currently shooting while others he knew from the previous ones.
Edward passed around some wine and I took some, not thinking about the consequences. I started feeling dizzy half-way through one glass. He noticed me swaying and reached me just before I was about to fall down. He realized why it had happened as soon as he reached me.
"I'm sorry, Tracy. I totally forgot to give you the non-alcoholic wine. I think you should go lie down in the bedroom for a bit, ok?" He lifted me to stand and led me to the bedroom.
I was embarrassed. How could I have been so stupid? I was just so dizzy, even when I closed my eyes.
I thought I was going to be sick so I clumsily made my way to the bathroom. And I was. It helped somewhat. I went back to lie down.
I was happy that he had not witnessed that. He was enjoying himself for a change. I felt relief. I fell asleep to the sound of happy voices coming from the 'living' room.
When I woke up, I still felt nauseous and had a huge headache. I heard him talking with someone in the kitchen.
Then everything sounded quiet. Did they hear me?
I looked at the clock – 12:42 a.m..
Oh, I had slept through the whole party. I made my way to the bathroom again. I hated this. After brushing my teeth and hair, I wandered out to the kitchen. I was ashamed to show myself. I didn't know who was still here.
I heard a little bit of the conversation. It was about work, the director, other actors, the location, that kind of stuff. Then his friend mentioned a woman's name and Edward's response was uncharacteristically cold. Then the talking stopped.
Did they know I was here? Crap! What should I do? I slowly crept back to the bedroom and went to sit in the bed. I turned the TV on.
After about twenty minutes I heard the door close loudly. Edward slowly walked into the room.
"Hey, how was it? I'm sorry I bailed on you. I can't believe I slept all this time." I tried to sound normal.
"That's okay, it was good. I'm going to brush my teeth," he answered in a sullen tone. He didn't even look at me as he walked by.
That night was the first one since we arrived that we weren't intimate. What had I done? Had I embarrassed him?
I couldn't sleep that night, my mind racing against the probable reasons for his mood. I thought he was asleep, but didn't want to risk waking him to check. It was an agonizing night. I finally fell asleep just after dawn.
I woke up briefly once and he was gone. The next time I awoke, he was there in the bed, reading from his computer.
"Hey there, sleeping beauty." He leaned to kiss my forehead.
I shuffled over to slip under his arm and rest my head on his shoulder. He started rubbing my arm absent-mindedly. He continued reading. I didn't want to be nosy so I kept my eyes closed.
There was something different in the way he held me that morning, but I didn't know what. When he removed his computer from his lap, he sighed and closed his eyes. I touched his cheek to turn it toward me and held it until he opened his eyes. He looked sad.
"What's wrong? I'm sorry for what happened with me last night. I don't know how I could have forgotten about my meds..."
He looked at me for a torturous minute before he finally spoke. "It was totally my fault, not yours. You trusted me to look after you and I failed you." He smiled crookedly and looked away.
I did not know what else to say. I wracked my brain for an answer.
"You have a doctor's appointment today. I'll have Jasper take you, if that's okay."
He paused and then added, "I have to go to the studio to clear something up."
I could just tell there was no point in trying to get any information from him. I told him I'd get ready to go. I kissed him and he lightly returned the kiss. Not good.
My stomach did a flip and I ran to the washroom again. I couldn't hide it from him this time and he rushed to my side.
"What's wrong? I'm sorry, love, I wasn't paying careful enough attention to you. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault." He hung his head and looked so pitiful.
I rinsed my mouth, then turned to him." It wasn't your fault any more than it was mine, so don't beat yourself up about it. It just happened." I smiled to comfort him. I didn't think he was buying it. I didn't really want to continue with a debate so I changed my tack.
"Could you please call Jasper and tell him I'm ready now." I kissed him as I walked out of the bedroom.
I would give him space so he could figure out whatever it is he needed to figure out.
I didn't have to wait more than ten minutes in the doctor's waiting room, which was a nice change from back home. The doctor asked a lot of questions and I confessed to my faux pas and how nauseated I'd been ever since. He noted it all in my chart and then said he wanted me to go for blood tests. The nurse would take my blood in her office and then send it to the lab. He'd call me for a follow-up appointment soon. He also thought the progress I was making with my back was excellent.
Jasper picked me up from the clinic and drove me home. I told him I wanted to stop at a store to buy something and he took me to a nearby market. It was like a breath of fresh air to be in a regular store, buying regular things. I bought snacks which we didn't have back home in Canada and some fruit to replenish our supply. The only thing was that I forgot I had no money. Jasper seemed to sense this and told me to put it on Edward's account, giving me his account number.
When I returned home, Edward wasn't there. Jasper said he'd stay outside until his return, which he didn't think would be too long.
So that's what the phone call was all about. He wanted Jasper to babysit me. His guilt wouldn't let him leave me alone for one second. I was sure it would ease up after we were settled into normalcy again and he went back to work. I knew he had to be missing that.
When Edward returned, he seemed to be in a better mood and reached out to me as I welcomed him back. He was a hundred times more enthusiastic than this morning which made me feel a lot better.
He said he'd fix us some lunch but I had beaten him to it. It really wasn't that much of an effort, as there was still a lot of leftovers from the shin-dig the night before. We ate outside on the deck, watching all the people enjoying the sunny day on the beach below.
He asked about my appointment. I asked how his work was going. He didn't go into a lot details but said it was progressing steadily. He needed to be on the set every day for the rest of the week.
Then he shocked me by telling me my daughter was flying in tomorrow to see me.
"Really? So soon? What brought this on?"
"I just thought you'd be missing her. I phoned her to see if it would work with her schedule and it does, so…And since I'll be working a lot, it works for all of us." He reached over to stroke my cheek, and I leaned into it, looking into his eyes. But he looked away, staring out into the ocean.
What was he thinking? Obviously there was still something brewing behind those green eyes of his. I had not seen him so distant before. I was now officially worried. I had done something so wrong that he needed to escape from me as soon as possible.
My thoughts began spiraling down into my dark pit of despair once again. Fast. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore.
"I'm tired… going to lie down, ok?" I stated, as I walked into the house.
He didn't reach for my hand as I drifted silently past him. I couldn't reach for him either. I was scared.
I had a nightmare during my nap and woke up with sweat beaded on my forehead. I was alone. Again. I couldn't stop myself and began to silently cry into my pillow.
Edward walked in on my pity party and sat on the bed, next to me. He began stroking my hair and the tears from my face.
"What's the matter?" He leaned in to quietly ask in my ear, following it with a kiss. I quickly took advantage and turned my face so that my lips met his. I tangled my hands in his hair and forced him to stay locked on mine. He returned my desperate kiss with one of equal desperation of his own.
We weren't in sync though, so I took a breath and pulled away enough to look into his eyes longingly. He met my neediness with his own. It was different again. I couldn't identify what was missing or different.
He stopped us short of giving in to each other completely. Why? I didn't understand.
"I'm sorry, love, I have to leave." He struggled to release me, then walked out of the room.
I was stunned. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I couldn't move. I felt nauseous again and ran to the bathroom. I wished my stomach would stop doing that. I had not been sick like that in a long time.
I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. I ended up getting a cracker and some ginger ale. It helped. I walked out to the deck to get some fresh air. I didn't know where exactly he'd gone and that started nagging at me.
And then I remembered what I overheard the night before. A woman's name. I didn't remember it. Could she have anything to do with the change in Edward's behavior?
I tried calling him later, around dinner time, to see if he was coming home, but he didn't answer. I wasn't hungry anyway.
I turned on the great room TV and just stared at the screen, not caring what was on. I was curled up on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around me. It was dark outside when I checked the time on my cell, I was surprised that it was 10 p.m. - already.
I cleaned up and went to get ready for bed. I then thought about Jasper, and put on my sweater over my pj's to see if he was still outside in his car. He was. I traipsed over to speak to him.
"Jasper, I'm going to bed, so you might as well go home. I'll lock all the doors. I'll be fine."
He looked tired and incredibly bored. I should have invited him inside earlier. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I'd totally forgotten he was there all that time. How incredibly insensitive of me. I apologized profoundly to him. He said it was fine. Not fine, in my eyes.
I went to bed and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. At some point in the night I woke up to see Edward walking out of the bathroom to the bed. I turned onto my back so I could watch him. He was lost in thought and didn't even notice I was awake.
I rolled over to face him when he laid down. He laid there on his back, ran his fingers through his truly mussed-up bronzed locks, and put his arm up behind his head. He then turned to me and lifted a corner of his mouth into a slight smile.
"Hey, love, you're up? I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry."
He brought his arm down and wrapped it around me, then brought his other arm to do the same. This finally felt right.
"I love you," was all he said.
I felt like I could breathe again. I hugged him tight and he turned on his side to face me, closing his eyes to kiss me.
I kept my eyes open. I held the left side of his face in my hand until he opened his eyes again. We stared into each other, searching. And then we both found 'it' at the same time. It was still there, as strong as ever.
His lips were extremely warm, almost hot, as they devoured mine. We gasped for air every few intense seconds, not desiring to release any point of contact with each other.
His hands were fiercely traversing my body, as if he had not touched it in ages. I yearned for his connection with everything inside of me. My reactions were equally as fervent.
I didn't need any more foreplay than that so I pulled down his pajama pants and welcomed him back.
It was like another dawning, the walls which had begun to climb higher, my defenses, crumbled down again. I had been frightened, causing them to rise.
We didn't speak at all that night. It wasn't necessary.
~x~o~x~
The Drill. Go. Please.
Thank you all for reading so far.