The Lucky Ones: Chapter Twenty-Five - Feels Like

Feels like, feels like, you know, it feels like

Falling in love for the first time

Feels like, you know, it feels like

Falling in love

~ The Lucky Ones - Lana Del Rey

February 12, 2020

Kurt had breezed through last night's performance, possibly more on top of things than he'd ever been before. He credited it to his focus. He'd decided to make sure nothing would affect his focus no matter how much I really wish I could get him to understand or get in his way as he insured that the cast and crew worked together like a well-oiled machine. Oh sure, Blaine had tried to come talk, but Kurt was far too busy. If he allowed these personal issues to affect his work, he'd just be proving Blaine right, showing that he wasn't stable.

Today, Kurt had spent a bit of his free morning catching up on housework and double checking that his bills and finances were all caught up and in order. He stopped short of reorganizing his sock drawer, realizing that he might need to calm down a bit. I'm stronger than I think I am. I don't have to control everything around me. With those thoughts, he thought back on the coping skills he'd learned from his time with Tom. Slow, counted breaths. Writing out his thoughts to get them out of his head. Engaging in a favorite pastime. His recently discovered stress relief aromatherapy blend would be helpful, too.

He grabbed his journal and the stress relief spray bottle and made himself comfortable in the overstuffed blue armchair. It was his favorite place to curl up and read or journal, and the little lap quilt he automatically pulled over his legs just made it more cozy. A few sprays of the mild scent and a couple rounds of his slow, counted breathing, and Kurt was feeling more calm and centered already. He unclipped his pen and opened the journal to get his thoughts out.

Feb 12, 20

I tried. I talked to Tom about my idea, and he didn't tell me it was stupid or I wasn't ready. I told Lindsey about it, and she was totally supportive. I mustered up courage like I haven't had in years and I sang for him. I poured my heart out at his feet and … I don't know, it feels like he just stepped over it like a wad of used chewing gum. I guess I was just so sure we were on the same page. I stupidly thought he was just waiting for me to say something, to give him a sign or let him know I was ready, but clearly he's got his own timetable that tells him more than being in my own head could, or more than my therapist could.

Yeah, I guess it makes sense that it might seem kinda soon, but really, discovering last week that I was drugged doesn't change the memories of the event. It was seven years ago. I've been in therapy for months now, dealing with a lot of my anxieties and memories and issues, and I'm still working on it. Sure, I've still got some work to do, and yeah, I still have trouble with things sometimes, just depending on how a memory hits me or if I'm not careful with my train of thought, but none of that should automatically define me as "not ready" for a relationship.

And really, it's "too soon" for what, exactly? I love Blaine. I never really stopped, and if I hadn't loved him before, I would have fallen for him this time anyway. I'm not suggesting we run off and get married or even that we jump in bed together. I just feel like it's ridiculous to try and stay on the "friends" side of some invisible line if we both know we feel more than that. And as for the anxiety - I know how I feel with him; safe, loved, secure, happy. How can these things be wrong?

He shook his head at the thoughts. It didn't matter how he felt about it. If Blaine didn't want to be a part of it, there was no relationship to question. He'd just hope they could at least be civil and somewhat comfortable working together until the show ended. Of course, that would probably entail not avoiding Blaine backstage. He sighed. It was never easy.

February 22, 2020

Blaine had spent the past several days thinking over this situation with Kurt. He wanted to take care of him and look out for him, but he couldn't help but see that Kurt didn't seem to like it. Was he really doing something wrong? He wanted them to be together, sure, he'd wanted nothing more than Kurt since he was 16, but he was so scared of what could go wrong. Still, he'd started to see that maybe he was doing the "I'm going to make decisions for you because I think I know better" thing he and Kurt had complained about in so many stories.

Am I really just trying to play a savior? And if I don't talk to him about it, how can we know if we're on the same page. God, I'm an idiot.

As expected, Kurt was quietly checking over costumes when Blaine got to the theatre late that afternoon. Blaine hovered in the doorway for a moment, wondering exactly what he was going to say, and admiring Kurt's dedication and focus as he always had. He'd realized that morning that he was probably a bit ridiculous for thinking Kurt didn't know exactly what he wanted and what he was ready for. He'd never questioned himself before.

Feb 24, 2011

That party with the Glee club had been more than Blaine expected in several ways, but now, when he was confused and searching, was not the time for Kurt to rant about bisexuals actually being gays in the closet. Blaine looked across the table, surprised by Kurt's vehemence over this little date with Rachel. "I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings or your pride or whatever, but however confusing it might be for you, it's actually a lot more confusing for me. You're 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we can't all be so lucky."

Kurt scoffed, "Yeah, I have had a lot of luck Blaine. I was really lucky to be chased out of high school by a bully who threatened to kill me."

"And why did he do that?"

"Because he didn't like who I was."

"So sort of exactly what you're saying to me now, isn't it." Kurt tilted his head and looked at Blaine with a confused and questioning expression. It was disconcerting. Blaine felt confused enough without adding Kurt's questions and issues to the mix. "I am searching, okay. I'm just trying to figure out who I am. And for you, of all people, to get down on me for that? I didn't think that's who you were. I'll see ya. I'd say 'bye' but I wouldn't want to make you angry."

Blaine tugged on the strap of his bag as he made his way outside as quickly as possible. He was grateful for the chill that hit him because it helped counter the sudden sting in his eyes. He couldn't believe Kurt, his best friend, Kurt, had been so harsh and quick to judge him. It hurt. He could have understood Kurt questioning him, would have actually appreciated the chance to talk to Kurt about his feelings.

That kiss with Rachel had shocked him. He hadn't gone into it expecting it to be unpleasant. Kissing feels nice. It has potential to feel nice with anyone. But after the first moment or two, when Rachel stopped smiling and leaned into the kiss more, he felt a stirring in his belly that was a total surprise. His breath caught for a second as their lips nearly parted, but he wasn't ready to stop yet. He'd moved his hand to her head without even thinking about it, holding her just a tiny bit closer. Maybe it was a little more than nice.

When they pulled apart, he wasn't sure what to say or do, and was actually kind of grateful when she suggested singing. That, he could do. Singing was much less confusing.

February 22, 2020

Bringing himself back to the present, Blaine finally stepped inside and tapped on the doorframe to get Kurt's attention. If he didn't know they were both nervous as hell, he would have laughed at the way Kurt's head popped up from behind a rack of costumes. It reminded him vaguely of the meerkats at the zoo.

"Blaine! Um, hi." He looked around quickly, and Blaine could tell he was probably wondering if there was an easy way out that would let him avoid what had to be an awkward conversation. He didn't want it to be, though. He hated when things were uncomfortable between them.

"Hi." He'd been glad that they had still managed to be friendly and polite and work well together during the past 10 days, but it was time to take it up a step. "Um, I've been doing some thinking, and I thought we could talk? I mean, I want you to talk to me, but I've been thinking about things, and, well, I guess I was hoping maybe you'd be okay with me talking for just a minute?"

Kurt just nodded, and Blaine let out a deep sigh, trying to calm himself.

"Okay, so, I guess, to start with, you were right about me. I have no place in saying what you should or shouldn't do at any time. You know yourself, Kurt. You always have, and I'm and idiot to question that. I'm kind of in awe of it, actually, have been since we met." Blaine had moved further into the room and was fidgeting with the plastic container in his hands. "I think I'm trying to look out for you, and really, you don't need it becau…"

"Sometimes maybe I do." Kurt's words were so quiet, Blaine almost wasn't sure he'd heard him right.

"Sorry, what?"

Kurt shook his head, closing his eyes and swallowing hard before responding. "It's nothing. I didn't mean to interrupt." He opened his eyes again and motioned for Blaine to continue, but he still seemed a little shaken up and suddenly Blaine couldn't focus on anything else.

"It's not nothing, Kurt. What's wrong? Do you need something? Am I upsetting you, or… or triggering something?"

The wry chuckle he got in response didn't answer any of his questions, so he tried to wait, reminding himself that Kurt sometimes took a moment to gather his thoughts. Thankfully, his patience was quickly rewarded.

"I had a rough morning. I went to run some errands and ended up trapped in an elevator for about 40 minutes." He paused, but Blaine had a feeling it was more than a frustrating delay, so he set down his container and stepped closer to Kurt, wanting to offer comfort but unsure what would be welcome. "There was one other person in there with me, and I don't know, he could have been a bike messenger or something, but he just, something about him made me uncomfortable. I was doing okay, I was thinking over my to-do lists and checking a couple things on my phone, and I was mentally repeating my mantras and I thought I was doing okay, but apparently I looked nervous."

Blaine stepped forward again, reaching out and offering a comforting hand on Kurt's arm. When Kurt smiled briefly, he knew it was welcome, and waited to hear the rest.

"He suddenly turned to me and said I looked thirsty. He offered me his water bottle." Blaine heard the quiver, but chose not to comment. Kurt chuckled slightly, but it sounded watery and let Blaine know just how emotional Kurt was over this. "As if I would drink after a complete stranger anyway, but somehow, even though it's really not at all the same situation, it triggered my anxiety, reminding me so vividly of the drinks I had that night, the possibility that it could happen again… it was humiliating, Blaine. I – I suddenly started questioning all the progress I've made, all the things I thought I was okay with." He paused, taking slow, deliberate breaths, and Blaine just squeezed slightly where he was holding Kurt's forearm, wishing he knew just the right thing to say.

Before he could say what would probably have been the exact wrong thing, Kurt looked up and met his eyes with more intensity than he'd seen in a while. "And then I thought of you, of how you've helped me when I was nervous, or, you know, panicking. I thought of our little place by the lake, you know, just outside of Lima? And I just pictured myself sitting there with you, and just focused on that because it was a calm thought. And then finally they got the elevator working, and I came straight here. I mean, yeah, I wanted to get away from other things, get to a place that feels safe, but also, I was hoping to see you, to explain something…"

Blaine couldn't have missed the apprehension in Kurt's eyes, or the determination in the set of his jaw, but he was determined not to jump to any more conclusions. "I'm listening."

Finally! I think I said the right thing. Kurt visibly relaxed and smiled slightly, then took a deep breath before he started talking again.

"I love you, Blaine, and I know we've been through a lot, and I'm still amazed that you want anything to do with me after the way I acted, how I shut everyone out, I acted like an idiot, and yet I still seem to have a chance with you." Blaine was forcing himself to listen closely, but felt slightly stunned at just how abruptly and confidently Kurt had declared his love. He couldn't deny the flip flopping he still got in his stomach when he heard Kurt say those words to him, especially after all the time he thought he wouldn't hear it again.

"Of course you… I mean, not just a chance, Kurt. I'm a sure thing." He smiled, and then heard his words again and tried to revise them. "Not, like, a 'sure thing' like in bed, I mean not that I wouldn't, that, if you, when we, but I mean otherwise, like…"

"Blaine."

He felt Kurt's hand cover his and automatically shifted to entwine their fingers, pleased when he noted that Kurt didn't resist.

"Yes?"

"I know what you mean, and I'm glad. So, I talked to Tom about this, about how I just want to move on with my life. I'd gotten stuck in such a deep hole of self-hatred for so long, and to be honest, now I could easily get pissed at myself for causing so much trouble, but I'm trying to break that cycle. And for me, right now, moving on with my life includes dealing with my feelings, and Blaine, one of my feelings lately has been that I'm tired of having to remind myself that it's not okay to touch you or kiss you or be held by you because those aren't things friends do. I love you, and yeah, apparently, I still have some issues to be worked out and that elevator incident will be fun to address with Tom next time, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel safer and more comfortable with you than I do anywhere else including alone in my home. It doesn't change the way we feel, the way we've always felt about each other. And when I said I wanted to be with you, I didn't mean 'let's have tons of kinky sex' or 'let's go get married tomorrow'. I meant 'let's go out together' and maybe 'let's stop lying to ourselves about our feelings' in a 'let's start slow and we'll know when it's time to take it further just like we did last time' kind of way. But you know what, Blaine? If you've changed your mind, or you don't feel that way, I just need your friendship at least, okay? Please don't pret-"

Blaine leaned forward and very gently quieted Kurt with a kiss. Chaste, especially for them, it still set his lips tingly and just the tiniest of flutters in his gut. As he pulled back, he couldn't help but smile at the wide, blinking expression on Kurt's face as he slowly let out a smile in response.

"Is that-?"

"Yes. Yes, Kurt, I want to take you out to dinner and kiss you goodnight, and I've already told you before that you have my friendship no matter what. You were my best friend in school, and I ached whenever I thought about you while we were apart. I can't promise I won't ever try to take care of you, even when you don't think you need it, and I can't promise I won't do more stupid things, but I can promise to remember how very strong you are, and that you know your own heart so very well."

Blaine refused to acknowledge that his eyes were watering up, but thankfully he didn't need to think about it much longer because Kurt was kissing him. Kissing Kurt still short-circuited his brain somehow, making the rest of the world fade away. He felt a gentle squeeze of their joined hands and reach up with his free hand to cup around the back of Kurt's neck. He kept it gentle, just enjoying the fact he could, that it was okay to kiss Kurt. He broke the kiss as he grinned, nearly chuckling at himself as he felt about as giddy as he had after their very first kiss.