It was hard. If I hadn't gotten used to not being a princess by then, it was drummed into my head after our baby was born.
She screamed constantly. Only half the time could I even figure out why. If alone, I would have let her cry forever some nights, just so I could get some rest. I slept thirty minutes at a time with her, for her sweet pink lips were always howling, and if she was not attended to, Luka would awaken as well, in an even worse mood.
The first night she began crying was only a few after her birth. I was already tired, from simply having her and learning how to be a mother. I had never even really been around babies.
She began to cry just as I had begun to fall asleep, the piercing cries that I knew already. I was up, treading across the floor to rock the small cradle back and forth, praying she would quiet. I closed my eyes as I rocked her, feeling the waves of sleep pulling me. But she only screamed louder.
Picking her up, I sat at the bed and tried to get her to nurse, but she wasn't hungry. I felt her bottom: dry. I sighed.
"What do you want?" I asked her quietly, not even able to pull up an emotion other than exhaustion. After a while, I put her back in the cradle. She did not cease, so I slumped down between the cradle and the bed, leaning up against the post. As my eyes drifted close to the sound of screams, a bang was faintly heard.
Another soon followed, too close for comfort, slamming my eyes back open and into reality.
It was Luka, glaring fiercely.
"Rin, I know babies cry, but you need to at least try and calm her down, or no one will get any sleep." She crossed her arms across the front of her nightdress.
"I tried, but there's nothing wrong with her." I said quietly. Luka raised an eyebrow. She walked over to the cradle and picked Rinna up, checking her and peering into her squinted, teary eyes. She looked back at me.
"I'm tired." I whispered, and looked up from my nightdress to see Luka before me. She leaned over and gave me Rinna.
"All mothers are tired. She's your baby, so you must take care of her, no matter if you're tired or not. She's yours." With that, she left, closing the door behind me. Rinna writhed in my arms, still gasping with little sobs.
My own eyes filled with tears. "But I've never even taken care of myself." I sobbed. So me and Rinna sobbed on the floor together, for a very long time until I realized her cries becoming quieter. I looked at the pitiful thing as she buried herself in closer to me.
I lifted her up closer and hummed a low lullaby, swallowing my own tears back to my throat. She quieted further, so I sang it quietly to her, rocking her slightly.
Her eyes fluttered close, her tiny eyelashes delicately resting against the creamy, flushed skin. She was a darling sight, but I was tired I barely took notice of it. I crawled back into bed, laying her next to me in the crook of my arm. She stirred, but stayed asleep. I stared at the ceiling's wooden boards, and tears ran from my eyes down the sides of my face.
"Len. I miss you." I whispered. Nothing in response, only the small child's breathing. I closed my eyes, and fell into a dreamless sleep that I would come to know quite well.
Only once did I almost give in.
It was a stormy day, but the longing in me had risen to the point of exploding, and I simply needed an escape.
"Please Luka; won't you take her for today? The winds would be too much for her and…" I wanted to go alone. I heard the chants in my head. Daughter of Evil! Daughter of Evil!... I was so selfish.
"I understand if you can't." I finished, biting my lip. Luka sighed, staring at me as if to look inside me. I shifted Rinna to my other arm. She was three months old, and growing fast. I loved her dearly, but inside, I prayed Luka would take her.
Luka kept looking at me fixedly. We had become closer during the months, for I would have never dared to ask her if I thought she would not do it.
She nodded. "I'll take her. You haven't had a moment alone since she was born, and I know it's hard to take care of one alone." She reached for Rinna and took her. Adjusting her blankets, she smiled at the baby. "Even when one is as precious as she." She cooed. I smiled automatically, as I always did when people complimented Rinna. I desperately wanted to gain favor of others, even if they were only passing customers in the bakery. Inside, I knew that befriending a million people could never make up for the many I had hurt, but there was no bad in trying.
I sighed with relief. My back felt good just from giving her up, even though she didn't weigh much. I said my goodbyes to my little one and Luka, and left.
The silence of the wind was a strange one. There was never a moment when I didn't hear Rinna breathing, the constant in and out from her that was the soundtrack of my life. As well as her cries, coos, and snuffles.
I relished in the freedom I had acquired, but realized I didn't feel very happy. Relived, but unhappy. All this silence and freedom left my mind open and unhindered. A dangerous thing, with my memories.
I wandered along the dirt path before me. I knew where I was headed somewhere in my mind, but didn't think of it.
The path turned from dirt to sand as I neared the sea. A driftwood fence stood near, lest some little one escape their mother and wander into the ocean. I opened the gate and closed it securely, adjusting my shawl as I did.
It was a different beach than the one I had played on with Len, but it was in many ways the same. The feel of the sand, the sea breeze that you can taste, the crash of waves; big and small.
As memories flooded back to me as I looked out into the water, searching for the end of it, I felt it.
I was alone.
Alone.
Len.
I wanted him. I missed him. All of the pressure, the guilt, the exhaustion hit me like an oak, crashing into my body and flinging it to the ground like a feather. I needed Len, I couldn't do this. If the rest of my life was to be as sad, if I was to be as empty as I was, I couldn't do it.
I didn't even want to try.
"Len." I whispered. The wind howled in my ears. The clouds that hung like deep gray gauze in the sky seemed to darken.
"Len!" I screamed, into the wind. I let emotion take me for the first time in months.
"Save me! Save me, please, save me Len." I cried, dropping to my knees, sobbing. "Help me. Save me." I choked out.
Where was he? Why wasn't he here? I couldn't grasp at anything for a long time, just sat there and cried. Like a small child, I let myself be absorbed in only my selfish feelings.
Eventually, I noticed there was sand on my face. Which made sense, since I was lying on sand. I let myself return to my senses, and wearily stood. I refused to wipe the tears off my face.
I drifted closer to the water's edge. How cold it would be, to jump in. To let the waves carry me far, to eventually drop me in its middle, to the cold core of the ocean. I would drift down to the sandy bottom like a fallen leaf, free.
It would be freezing. It would numb me, steal my heat. My thoughts and fears too.
It was all too tempting.
Rinna and Luka stood in the far distance of my mind, like ants against a skyline. But how bad would it be, to just be selfish again, and to end all this pain.
To be selfish one last time, to let myself be free?
Into the spray, the waves beckoned. They wanted me, reached for me with every wave upon the sand.
I'm coming, I thought to Len. Wait for me.
I turned back once as the thought of my sweet baby flashed across my mind. But with the sound of the waves, how could I refuse?
As I turned my gaze back to my impending resting place, I spotted something in the water.
It was small, and even without the sun, it shone.
Closer and closer it came, and when I realized what it was, I held my breath.
A small glass bottle, firmly corked. A small piece of parchment, neatly folded inside. I gulped, feeling choked.
I ran out into the waves, not even bracing myself for the cold. Unlike my previous thoughts, I thought not of death, but only of retrieving that bottle, grasping at the small bit of hope that suddenly surged in me.
I had no patience to let it drift to me; I had to get it now. I struggled with my simple but heavy skirts as they soaked up water. Feeling the chill, I shuddered, but let my shawl be caught by the wind and pushed back towards the shore. As I continued to fight the waves, I felt myself being drained, but I kept fighting. I had to, for that little bottle.
It neared; I reached out and grabbed it. The glass was cold and pitted with sand in a few places, yet it was solid in my grasp. I gasped and turned to flee from the almost neck-deep water. I didn't make it completely to shore, collapsing to my knees in the ankle deep water. The waves pushed and pulled me, but I kneeled firmly in the wet sand, not letting myself be swayed. I was focused solely on this bottle that I held with shaking hands.
I pulled the cork out with my teeth, and let it wash away. Carefully tipping the bottle into my hand, the paper slid out of the opening and into my palm. Unsteadily I unfolded it.
I wish Rin would be happy and safe, always and forever.
Aghast, I closed my hand around it gently, not letting it be in my sight. Surely this could not be real. It couldn't be his. But it was.
If the message wasn't enough, the handwriting was so familiar that I would have known it anywhere. How had it found me? Was this some sort of a sign?
I opened my palm again, and stared at it until the letters blurred and a tear dropped onto the rich scrap of paper. It was absorbed almost immediately, but I rubbed my eyes furiously in an effort to rid myself of tears.
I pressed the paper to my lips.
I'm sorry Len. I'm sorry. For everything. For almost giving up. For being selfish. Forgive me, once more. Please.
"I'm sorry I almost wasted your gift." I murmured, my eyes closed against the wind, but the tears sliding down my cheeks regardless.
"I was always too thoughtless. But I promise to try harder. I won't ruin what you have given me."
I laughed. After all this time, after everything, I still was selfish. "Old habits die hard." I mumbled to Len. I know he would have laughed. But the yearn to hear his laugh reminded me of another: the yearn to hear Rinna's first laugh.
I thought of our little baby, and realized my life was not the only thing I had left. Len had left me with her, and she herself was something to live for. To thrive for. How could I miss her life, her first steps, words, moments? How could I rob Rinna of not only one, but two parents? And throw away Luka's kindness as well?
I regret so, so many things. But I won't make any more mistakes to regret. I will thrive, not just for Len, but for Rinna. For all of us. Perhaps, in time, I would learn not to be selfish anymore. I would do so many good things, that perhaps I could be forgiven.
I knew what I wanted to wish for. But I wouldn't rely on Len to make it true. I would rely on myself. And if it didn't come true, then it would be my own fault to own up to.
Rummaging through my pockets, I found a stump of a pencil. Kissing the paper gently, I turned it to the back.
I wish that someday, we could all be together again.
After I placed it into the bottle and released it, I watched it float off. Inoticed how calm the waves seemed now, and how streams of sunlight peeked from slits of clouds. The sun wasn't out yet, but it would be soon, pushing those clouds away until it was the only thing left in the sky, shining down on the water, on this land, on me. And Rinna.
It was time to start over. So I turned around, and after a parting glance to the bottle that carried my hopes, I returned to the path and shut that gate behind me. I headed for home.
A/N
Sorry this took so long! No excuses. I'll post the next chapter soon. Forgive me, but don't worry. I will finish this story! Thank you for reading!