Chapter 25: It's Been A While (Staind): It's been awhile, since I couldn't hold my head up high. And it's been awhile, since I said "I'm sorry"
000 2 Weeks Later
He didn't notice the sweat running down his face and neck, or the crazy triple-digit heat that provoked it. Or perhaps he just didn't care. It could have been the unbelievable pain that spiked his forehead that blocked it out, or maybe it was something else that numbed him from it all. From the heat, the exhaustion, the pain that seemed to blanket his entire body every waking second.
He hadn't slept in days, and beforehand he had only done so because he had passed out from the liquor. That had been the case for the past three weeks, but it hadn't been that like that at first. It wasn't until yesterday that something seemed to have truly snapped within him. Something that had become tired of pretending and determined to get things back to the way they used to be. When he had her, when things went his way and he was happy and got whatever he wanted. When he was feared and his influence knew no bounds.
Perhaps that was why he was here now, his bloodshot eyes looking up the walkway towards the entrance of 'Logan's.' She had worked here since he had met her, and countless times they had met up here after her shift and spent the night together. He longed for that now. That presence of someone who truly cared for him, and that he himself loved. Not just some cheap she-wolf or vixen that he could pay, fuck, then never hear from again. Krystal wasn't that, and it had taken him too long to realize it.
But now he did. Now he knew he needed her, despite the words he so hatefully spoke to her the day she had caught him cheating on her. He had tried to pretend at first that he didn't. He had drank almost constantly in hopes of convincing himself that was the truth. He had surrounded himself with women and made sure that Krystal had been there to see. Every day she worked he'd visit the restaurant with another vixen, she-wolf, pantheress, lynx...and more...He tried to prove to her that he was happy, he tried to hurt her by showing that he already had a replacement for her while she was still alone.
Of course, he didn't know anything about Fox. The vulpine had only crossed his mind once or twice since then, but the possibility that Krystal had already hooked up with the guy was nearly impossible to imagine. So to him, she was just the way he had found her two years ago.
Alone.
Needing someone.
Me.
His vision was blurry and his mouth was insanely dry, accompanied by his slow and unsteady walk. He was still drunk, yet at the same time the hangover from the night before lingered all too well. But that wouldn't stop him. In fact, part of him counted on that to help his cause. He was willing to apologize to her, to ask for another chance and promise that he'd never do it again, and hopefully seeing him in this state would influence her decision. If that's what it took...
Had the alcohol not been on his breath he might have realized how awful he smelt, having not bathed in weeks. Perhaps that was why they had quit coming around, even after he upped the pay another couple of hundred credits. Money used to buy him happiness, but that wasn't the case anymore. There was only one thing that could do that, and he'd be looking at her before long.
The faint ring of a bell accompanied him opening the door and with it came a heavenly blast of cold air that seemed to breath a fresh life into him. This was the first time he had come here alone since they had broken up, and this was the first time she'd get to see him as he really was. But he was ready for it. Looking up he caught the forced smile of a waiting lynx, but he also caught the disgust in her eyes, and it made him grin. That was the same look Krystal had given him almost every time he had been here, and he could all too easily put the vixen's face in the place of this lynx's.
After saying as little as possible he followed her across the room towards one of the smaller tables for two, the whole time looking around for the familiar blue vixen that he came for. He knew she was here, and he'd talk to her before long. It was what he'd say that he was still unsure of. He figured it would come to him, that as always he would manage to say what he needed to in order to win her back.
She did, after all, need him.
As they neared the table he pulled out his wallet and grabbed a hundred-credit bill, waiting until the lynx turned around before holding it before her between two fingers.
"I want Krystal to wait on me." he said sternly, watching the Lynx's gaze fall onto the paper.
He knew he'd get what he wanted, and she did as well. So it was of no surprise that she finally reached forward and took the credit before nodding and laying a menu down on the table. A few seconds later she was gone and he was left alone again. He still wasn't used to this now...being alone in public. There had always been someone there with him, be it Krystal or his friends. He was the center of attention, they all listened to him and did what he said without question. But now he couldn't seem to get anyone to come near him.
As if they all knew that Krystal had left him and realized that he wasn't as reputable as they had once thought. That he wasn't invincible, that he could be hurt and humbled.
That was another reason why he had to get her back. To fix his life and get things back to normal.
I will. I screwed up but that doesn't change the fact that I was all she had. She'll take me back once I give her the chance, I know it.
000
"Hey Krystal!"
The vixen looked across the kitchen at the sound of her name, struggling to balance a large tray of food on one paw. Taking another quick second to grab the remaining tray she turned for the exit and met Brenda's desperate gaze, the lynx looking hopeful as she reached up and took one of the trays from her before following her out of the kitchen.
"Can you cover a table for me?" she asked before the vixen could say anything. "I've got to make a quick call...it's kind of an emergency."
Oh great...more work.
"I'm kinda full right now." she answered, stepping between two tables and turning her head as she spoke, "Can't you get Laura or Michael to do it?"
"They both said no, and I knew you'd be the only one who'd understand."
They reached her table and put on smiles as they passed out the food, following tradition and making sure everything and everyone was content before turning and making their way back to the kitchen.
"Well...I guess-
"It's table 11. I promise I'll be back as quickly as possible!"
No sooner had the vixen turned around did Brenda's tail seem to smack her on the leg as the lynx headed for the break room, leaving her to sigh and continue towards the kitchen. She was already busier than normal thanks to another waiter calling in sick that day, so having another table dropped under her responsibility only made things that much more hectic.
But even now she could find solace in two things, one of which seemed to give her all the motivation she needed. The less fortunate one was simply that the table she'd been given was one of the small, two-person ones, and would be easy to cover compared to the larger ones she was also working on. It wasn't much, but it was optimistic thinking at it's best.
The other thing was in her head, and far more motivating. It was her mind telling her that once this was over, when her shift had ended and she was finally able to go home, that her mate would be there waiting for her.
That was really all the reasoning she needed to keep going. That, or simply quit the job altogether and stay by his side all day long.
She smiled to herself at that thought, knowing it would be much better but also impossible. She knew he'd be willing to support them both if she didn't have a job, and she loved him for that, but that's not how she wanted it to be. It hadn't been like that with Panther, despite the cat's massive wealth, and it wouldn't be like that with Fox.
Just another hour and I can go home to him.
She brought her right hand up to her shoulder, running it an inch or so up towards her neck before feeling the mark that he had so lovingly left on her two weeks ago. It was hidden behind her collar and no one, even Katt, knew about it. She just hadn't been sure about telling them all yet, knowing that once it was out in the open everyone would either congratulate or scold her for doing it, and it would probably be the latter. To the public it was just now becoming known that her and Panther were no longer together, so for them to find out she had been marked so quickly after, it would arise suspicion that she was still all too afraid of.
Of course, that didn't mean the news of her Fox hadn't gotten out by now. She was sure word was spreading through those who bothered talking about it, and she could only hope that Panther hadn't heard, and if he had, he hadn't cared.
She reached across the counter and picked up another couple of trays before heading back out towards the dining area, her mind only halfway focused on work. She didn't like thinking about Panther but it had been hard not to, especially since she had seen him almost daily for the past few weeks. She knew what he was doing, she was well aware of what his motives were, but none of it phased her. If anything it only made her laugh. If he thought she was buying his act then he was stupider than she had once thought.
He wasn't fooling anyone, especially her. But knowing Panther that didn't matter. Not as long as he could fool himself.
She had subconsciously set down the table's food, checking their drinks and asking them if they needed anything before finally turning towards the opposite side of the restaurant where Brenda's table was. There was a part of her that was hopeful about it, knowing that Fox enjoyed sneaking in and visiting her every so often while she was at work, though she didn't count on it. She'd be back in his arms before long, but it probably wouldn't be for another hour or so.
More than two months and I'm still as crazy about him now as I was on day one.
She smiled to herself and looked up ahead at the table as she neared it, thankful that for once she had a reason to smile at a customer that wasn't being paid for. She could tell right off that it wasn't Fox, but it didn't dampen her mood much. The black paws around the sides of the menu didn't register to her as familiar, nor did the tail that hung above the floor from behind him.
It might have been because she wasn't really focused, that her mind was still thinking about Fox and being with the vulpine later that night...or maybe it was the menu that covered the cat's face that kept her from recognizing who he was. Either way, it wasn't until she had already spoken that she finally looked up and realized the mistake she had made in accepting Brenda's request.
"Panther...
The menu was slowly lowered to the table, the cat continuing to look down where it had once been before finally turning his gaze in her direction.
Almost instantly she noticed the change that had happened in him. The look of defeat and sadness, of loneliness and heartache, none of which reflected the Panther Caroso that she had known a month ago. This Panther looked more like a homeless drunk without a friend in the world, and even though she knew he deserved it she couldn't help but feel a stab of pity for him. Yes he had hurt her, countless times, but it was thanks to all of that that she fell for Fox. If Panther hadn't treated her so badly she would have never found the vulpine as perfect as she did.
Now she was happier than ever.
It's like we've switched places.
"What do you want?" she asked coldly, already expecting the worst to come up.
Another moment of silence crept between them and it wasn't until his gaze rose far enough to meet her own, holding it for a mere second or so before guiltily looking away, that he managed to speak.
"I wanted to apologize." he said softly, still looking at the ground. "For what I did to you."
Needless to say she was surprised, but there was a part of her that already knew where this might be going. It wasn't like Panther to just apologize for good reason. In fact, it wasn't like Panther to apologize at all. So for him to be doing it now...there had to be a cause behind it. And the vixen was already guessing as to what it might be.
What do I say to that? Just accept it? Then what?
Just do whatever you can to end this as quickly as possible. Make sure it's clear you don't want to be with him ever again.
But do I tell him about Fox?
"I shouldn't have said any of that." he went on, his voice growing stronger, "And what I did behind your back...I know it was wrong and I'm sorry. I was so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking."
"Panther this isn't-
"It's just," he interrupted, slowly standing and looking down at her now, his eyes pleading as he spoke, "I didn't realize what I had, and now that I've lost it...I-
"Stop."
Her stern tone did exactly what she had meant for it to do, the cat immediately shutting up and pinning his ears back. But now, just as she had been the day she had broken up with him, she was in control. He was under her thumb. It was her word that mattered, not his.
"Panther I appreciate your apology, really, I do." she said, sparking the slightest looks of hope in the cat's eyes. "But if you think that's going to be enough to fix the damage you did then you've got another thing coming."
No! No! No! Don't say that! You're basically telling him that there's still a chance of you getting back together! You've got to make it clear that you will never love him again! Tell him about Fox!
But if I do...if he learns about Fox...what will happen then?
Who knows! But it's better than letting all this happen again!
"I know that." he replied quickly, that same determined look in his eyes making the vixen's stomach churn in nervousness. "And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again. I don't care how long-
"No." she interrupted harshly, finally indulging her conscious, "You don't get it do you? There isn't anything you can do that will make me love you again Panther. You hurt me so much, for so long, and I'm never letting that happen again."
"It won't!" he answered, his voice all but promising, "I swear on my life Krystal, I will never hurt you again. I'll change as much as I need to, I'll-
She shook her head and turned away from him, casting a wary glance around the room and checking to see if anyone had been listening in on their little argument. Part of her wished someone would step in and interrupt it, to give her a reason to get away from the cat who all but reeked of alcohol.
Of all that could have happened, this was the most unexpected of it all. For Panther to actually come to her and apologize, to be willing to change for her in order to win her back...she would have never expected any of it. Yet here he was, humbled for once in his life to the point where he was actually putting someone else other than himself first. Not that it would matter...
"Just leave." she said plainly, knowing he hadn't came here for food.
She was still facing away from him and could only hope that what she had said would be a strong enough blow to rid her of his presence, though she didn't count on it. If there was still one thing about Panther that hadn't changed it was his ignorance. He heard only what he wanted to hear, and would simply ignore what he didn't like, and that would most likely still be the case now.
Maybe I won't have to bring up Fox if I can just make it clear to him some other way.
But will it be enough?
"Krystal please...
"No Panther." she replied firmly, "Never again."
Still she faced away from him, the seconds slipping by as she looked across the somewhat crowded room and silently prayed to herself that he'd just give up and leave her life for good. Her other tables didn't matter now, hell her job didn't even matter at this point. If she could simply rid the cat from her life once and for all it would be worth getting fired. But it didn't work that way. Instead she'd have to rely on no one but herself to fix the mess she had made, and if that meant crushing Panther Caroso's heart then so be it.
Now he knows how it feels.
"I know you're mad." he finally spoke, making her clench her fists, "And you have every reason to be, especially after what I did. But that doesn't change what we both are."
"We are nothing Panther." she replied angrily, turning back around to face him and meeting his determined gaze.
"We're alone."
It was then that she finally realized what he was trying to do. Every other approach had failed so far, leaving him with one final move that he could make in order to win her back. It was just another sign of the same old selfish Panther Caroso she used to know. Only he would take this approach...to try and make her feel guilty for leaving him when he had been there for her those two years ago when she had no one in her life.
She'd been alone when they'd first met, and he'd picked her up and put her back on her feet, if only somewhat. And now he was trying to put himself in the same position, only this time it wouldn't work, and for reasons he still didn't know...at least not at the moment.
Perhaps that's why she said what she did next...
"No. You're alone."
There, I said something.
That wasn't enough! Tell him about Fox! He probably thinks you are referring to having friends, not a mate!
It might be enough though.
No it won't!
"You can't lie to yourself Krystal." he finally answered, not realizing just yet what her words meant, "I've tried. It doesn't matter what you tell yourself-
"I don't have to tell myself anything." she cut in, her voice rougher now. "Get it?"
She met his gaze again, this time seeing the relieving look of hurt and defeat creeping into his eyes. For another few seconds he held her sight before letting his gaze drop the floor, the vixen stifling a sigh and turning to her side as she waited and hoped for an accepting response from him.
What she didn't notice was Panther's gaze making it's way back up her body, heading for her face but stopping short and resting on the side of her neck as she continued to look away from him. Anyone else wouldn't have noticed it, and it was only because she was standing at an angle that Panther's eyes caught the mark behind the collar of her shirt, but that was all it took.
"I see..." he muttered, his cold new tone grabbing her full attention as she turned to face him.
It took only a few seconds before she realized what had caused the change within him. His eyes weren't meeting her own, but she could tell they didn't go much further down her body before stopping, causing her to instinctively reach up and straighten her collar. But it was too late now and she knew he'd noticed the vulpine's mark.
"I understand now." he went on, the look of defeat in his eyes now accompanied by jealousy. "You've already moved on."
Finally...he gets it.
Thank god.
She held his gaze, a fierce determination in her eyes as she nodded in response.
How he ended up taking it both relieved and worried her. All this time she had expected him to get angry, to become jealous and overreact to the news of someone else taking his spot in her life. To want to hurt them for winning over her heart, even though it was his own fault that she left him. It was just how he was, and that was how she expected him to take it.
So she was more than surprised at his response...or lack thereof.
What he did was hold her gaze a few seconds more, a look of heartache and defeat seeming to drown out every other emotion his face could display, before he reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet. He pulled out what looked to be close to a thousand credits before tossing them on the table and looking back up at her with the faintest of smiles.
"Well...I wish you two the best." he said gently, smiling at her before stepping forward until he was standing by her side.
She continued to look forward but could tell that he was trying to say something else. But another second slipped by and instead of saying anything she felt the cat's muzzle quickly peck her on the cheek, the feeling lasting only the quickest of moments before leaving her as he made his way towards the exit. And even though she could still care less, for that one moment she couldn't help but recall those few happy memories that she still had with the cat in her life, almost wishing that she could experience them again before catching herself.
Don't think like that. You've got Fox now remember?
She stood there another few seconds before finally turning around and heading back towards her tables on the other side of the building. It would be nearly impossible to focus on work now after all that had just happened. Looking at it from an overall point of view she found herself overjoyed with how it had went. Panther had came trying to win her back and she had, in not so many words, crushed his attempts. But it hadn't been until he had finally realized she had replaced him already that he had given up. His reaction...unexpected, but in a good way.
So is that it? Is everything finally right?
She tried to be optimistic towards it, but there was still a part of her that was wary about how it all would play out. It was so unlike Panther to act like this, to come to her and apologize and try to own up to his mistakes. For him to have done that...he must have really wanted her back.
So for me to have turned him down, for him to have found out I'm already with someone else...I just can't believe he'd give in so easily.
She didn't know what Panther would end up doing, but whatever it was she hoped it was nothing extreme. His life was falling apart, he had no one to blame for that but himself, and that was obvious.
But will he see it that way?
As of right now there was really only one thing she could focus on that seemed right, and it was finishing out this shift and getting back home and into the arms of her vulpine...her mate. That was the only place she felt safe anymore, no matter what problems she had in the world. With Fox it was as if none of that existed, and she loved him that much more for that. Regardless of what ended up happening within the next year, concerning Panther and what he'd do, and Fox and the military, she knew that as long as the vulpine was still in her life she'd have a reason to endure it all.
000