A/N: Since I didn't really have a plan after part 2, I am kind of winging it from here on out but you all have been so nice that I'd thought I'd try to add a couple more chapters. Unfortunately, this means a little more angst on the way first. Sorry it's not longer :(
Alex feels the hands pulling her to her feet. Feels them pull her back, pull her away from her broken thoughts and the ground stained red with blood. They pull her away, and there isn't any time to think about what's just happened, not when Vasquez is already shoving her gun back into her hand, not when the other agents still need her to lead them.
The fighting doesn't last long after that, but every step, every punch, every bit of anger she has for the enemies in front of her is made heavier by the blood still on her hands, and if the bullet she puts in the last Child of Liberty's leg is too much no one says anything.
Haley is waiting for her when she comes back. She knew she would be. And there is a look in her eyes that warns of what will come next, but Alex pushes past her, ignores every word meant to stop her. It's already too late; she thinks anyway, and she needs to get away. Because there will be plenty of time for blame and accusations, but right now she just needs to be alone, needs to try and forget the feeling of Supergirl's hand in hers and why it had hurt so much to let go.
She slams through the doors leading to the locker room. The sound of the door hitting the opposite wall echoing like the gunshot she can't stop hearing. Her fingers pull at her uniform, tearing away the vest that feels too heavy and too tight all the sudden. And the pain in her ribs is trying to tell her to slow down, but she feels like she can't breathe anymore with it on and soon it's falling to the floor as her hand comes up to cover the spot where the bullet should have hit her.
She can feel her heart beating too fast underneath.
Can hear the sound of the gun firing again.
Can still feel the weight of Supergirl's arms around her pushing her to the ground.
She grips the sink, stares at her hands and the blood and dirt that now mar the edges of it, but she doesn't dare look up at the mirror in front of her because she doesn't know if she wants to see the person she is in that moment — doesn't know if she would recognize her if she did.
She turns on the water as hot as it will go. Feels the pain of it against her skin as she waits for it to fade into numbness, for the water to run clear — she waits to forget. But as the water washes over her hands, they don't feel numb, only empty, and like the fear in Supergirl's eyes, it is that emptiness that makes her stop. And it's then that all the sudden all the pain and all the fear and all the anger feels so familiar that it is too impossible to ignore.
It feels like something she should remember.
It feels like something she has forgotten.
She pulls her hands away from the water, stumbling back from the sink until her legs hit the edge of one of the benches and she lets herself collapse onto it.
Her head drops into her hands and she closes her eyes as if there was something in the darkness that would make sense. But like the water and the pain, it does nothing to make her forget, only reminds her of fear and emptiness.
And she doesn't know why it feels like this.
She has seen people shot.
Has watched them die.
She has even been the one who pulled the trigger.
But it's never felt like this.
Not since she was a kid.
Not since she had to listen to her mother tell her that her father wasn't coming home.
And she tries to tell herself it's because of who Supergirl is, that it's because of what will happen if she's gone. She tries to tell herself it's because she knows her life isn't worth hers; that it's guilt and not grief that won't let her forget the fear in her eyes.
But there's something in her that knows it's something more.
And there's the one question in her head that won't leave her.
Why?
Why had Supergirl trusted her?
Why had she saved her?
Why does it hurt so much to think that she might have just watched her die?
But there are no answers.
Not to the fear she saw in Supergirl's eyes.
Not to the emptiness she still feels in her hands.
And not to the aching feeling in her chest that remembers what it's like to lose someone you love.
She can hear the water still running in the background, can hear the sound of the door opening behind her and the endless ringing of her phone, but none of it is louder than the voices in her head still asking questions she has no answers to.
Her hands fumble for the phone buried in the pocket of her uniform, she stares at the screen and at the tainted droplets of water that fall onto it as she struggles to answer it.
And it's like that that Haley finds her. That she feels herself pulled again to her feet. Pulled again from her broken thoughts. The phone in her hand falls to the ground, the screen shattering as the ringing finally stops. She does nothing to fight back against the hands holding her in place, nothing to stop the onslaught of Haley's anger.
"From now on, you will do exactly as I order."
The words fade in and out.
"Exactly when I say."
Broken apart by images.
"You're lucky you're not in handcuffs."
By memories.
"Your command is now mine."
And suddenly she is in another room.
"If you have any reservations about obeying..."
And suddenly she remembers the words that had come next. The threat they had made to her, to her family.
She remembers the tears in her eyes as she listened and the sting in her hand as she watched Haley fall.
She remembers Supergirl next to her...she remembers Kara next to her.
She remembers.
She remembers, and as she feels every lie that had been holding her together fall apart so does she.
A/N: Thanks as always for reading. It's always great to hear from you all, so feel free to leave a comment below or stop over to my tumblr (vox-ex).