AN: As always thank you to Mel and Lisa, my PTB betas, and Magan Bagan, my Twilighted beta. You ladies are so awesome on so many levels; you have no idea how much your support means to me.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter Twenty Two Part Two
Finding Comfort in the Truth
"Edward, I know you slept with Victoria Newman."
"Is that what Alice told you?" I clenched my jaw and tried to retain control over my anger. I watched Bella take a step back and slowly shake her head.
"No, I just..." she trailed off. I turned and walked toward her.
"You what? Felt the need to accuse me of cheating, again? I mean, since it is obvious that a man has needs?" I watched Bella's expression harden at the choice of words I had made.
Yeah, I remember every word you said to me that horrific morning.
"Edward, if you are upset at my assumption, then tell me what that picture means?" She gestured to the crumpled mess in my hand. I looked down at it and held it out to her.
"This?" I showed her the ball of paper, "is not what it looks like. And I fully intend on telling you the whole truth about it, but you are not going to like what I have to say about it." Bella watched me intently for a moment. We were so close, and I was so tempted to reach out and pull her toward me and into my arms.
Just as I had begun to wonder how Bella felt about making out while trying to hash it all out, she moved to sit on the side of the bed. She gestured for me to sit down on the sofa chair across from her. It didn't escape my notice that she wanted me to sit far away from her.
I ran my hand through my hair and sat down.
"Just tell me, Edward. Please, just tell me everything. I want to know about everything. I can't live like this; I need to know the truth. I want to know it all," she whispered as she looked down and pulled at a frayed edge of her throw pillow.
"No secrets?" I whispered, as I watched her face.
Her eyes quickly darted up to meet mine, and she swallowed hard before she said, "No secrets."
"Four years ago, the day you left me, Jacob was supposed to leave on vacation for a few weeks. If everything had gone the way it was supposed to, then you would have met your replacement bodyguard, James Ayers."
"What does James have to do with anything?" she whispered.
I felt a slight pain in my stomach as I replied. "He's had a lot to do with who I became over these last four years."
I chanced a glance at her, and she shifted back onto the bed and tucked her legs under herself, as she nodded for me to continue.
"The day you left, I was fuming. I couldn't believe you would accuse me of something like cheating. I mean, when Tanya pulled that stunt of kissing me, I wanted to throw Tanya out, Bella, I swear I did. It all just didn't seem like anything when it happened. She slipped up; I freaked out. I started to call the cab. I was getting ready to throw her out when she literally threw up on me. I was drenched with it. I dragged her to the guest room and left her there. I went quickly to clean myself up and grab some of your old clothes so she could change and get out. I had the number of the cab company on my phone in my hand. By the time I got back, she had slipped out of her clothes and under the covers on the guestroom bed. I realized I was reeking and decided to take a shower."
"Edward, I told you I believe you, so you don't…" Bella's voice quivered a little. I knew it was hard for her to hear all of the details, but she had to know everything nevertheless. It was the only way I could explain to her, to maybe help her understand my own actions.
"I know you believe me, but you have to know everything. I want to tell you everything, but first, I have to tell you about that night. Please, just let me say this."
I watched as her eyes glistened, but she remained quiet. I let out a huge breath.
"I had picked up Tanya's clothes before I left the room, because I knew I was going to wash my own clothes and thought to pick up hers as well. I had them with me when I got into our room. I didn't realize what I was doing, so I just threw them with my own clothes on the floor near the bedroom door. I shut the door, but I didn't think to lock it. I walked naked and all alone into our master bathroom. I stepped into a hot shower and lathered myself up and thought about how you were going to laugh your ass off when I told you that some chick threw up on me. I was going to tell you all about Tanya, and everything. I had never hidden anything from you, and I wasn't going to start that night."
I continued to talk and watched Bella as she bit her lower lip; I could only imagine the anguish she must be feeling as she listened about the night that destroyed us. "I thought I heard something; I didn't realize until later it must have been you ringing the doorbell. I tried to listen for it again, but when I didn't hear anything, I continued my shower. When I was finished, I stepped out, wrapped the towel around myself, and went into the bedroom. The bed didn't look different, it was still semi-made. I saw the clothes on floor but directly below the bed; it just didn't sit well with me and realized I had to get them out because I hated her clothes in our room. I grabbed the pile to put it in the wash. When I turned around and saw the front door open, I didn't know what to think. I was sure that l was going to be an unwilling witness to Tanya jumping around outside, but when I didn't see anyone, I just shut the door. That is when I saw your luggage."
I slowly walked over and kneeled down at the side of the bed. I reached out an open-palmed hand toward her. Bella had her eyes closed tightly. She held onto the pillow in front of her with tight fists. The expression on her face told me that she was replaying everything in her mind. My heart hurt so much that I wanted nothing more than to reach over and pull her to me. But I stayed still and waited for her to allow me to touch her. When she never reached out, and didn't move, I reluctantly continued.
"You have no idea how much I wish I could go back to that morning when you were upset. I wish I hadn't let my anger get to me. I wish I had realized that there was no rational reason that you would come home and make up something like that. Bella, I should've put my anger aside and believed you. I mean, I still wish you would have given me the benefit of the doubt. I swear I never slept with Tanya. But that doesn't mean that what you saw wasn't true either."
Bella broke down, and her sobs slammed my eardrums. "I saw her naked, Edward. I saw her…I'm not insane. I'm not crazy. She was there on the bed. The covers were half off, and she was naked. She was there. You were in the shower."
The emotion in her voice was thick, and I quickly got up onto the bed to reach for her. She buried her head into my chest as I held her close. Leaning down, I kissed her hair and rocked with her as she sobbed quietly. I could feel my own emotions rising but managed to stay in control. We had a long way to go, and I needed to remain calm, but right now I needed her to hear what I wished I would have said all those years ago.
"I haven't been the best husband to you; frankly, I haven't been much of a husband at all." I pulled back and gently held her face in my hands. "I should have believed you. I should have come after you the second you left. Damn it, I should never have let you go. I didn't fight for you then; and I sure as hell haven't fought for you now. I didn't fight for us. I almost lost you-I'm so fucking stupid, Bella."
I watched her closely; her eyes glistened with unshed tears. They sparkled in the dimly-lit room and, as she closed her lids, the tears escaped and flowed down her heated cheeks. As my eyes fell to her trembling lips, I had to hold back the urge to lean in and kiss her. I didn't move back-I wanted to stay close to her-so I stood still, watching her. Bella slowly opened her eyes, and we just stared at each other.
I watched her unhurriedly bite her lower lip and brushed my thumb against it quickly. I heard her breathing hitch, and she quickly pushed against my chest. Reluctantly, I stepped back away from her. As much as I wanted to pull her up in my arms and kiss her with wild abandon, I knew she wasn't ready.
Bella looked past me and walked to the window that was glimmering with the lights of the city below. She walked to it and stared outside with her back toward me.
"Vegas, Edward. Tell me what happened in Vegas." Bella's voice was somber and soft. I ran my hands through my hair and sat on the chair near the bed.
"After you stormed out with Jacob, there was a knock at the door."
When James Ayers knocked on our door, I remember racing to the door wondering if Bella had finally come to her senses. I pulled open the door only to find a tall, blonde, burly-looking man standing with a stern look on his face.
"Mr. Cullen?"
"I'm not in the mood for any damn questions. You have some nerve coming up to my door."
"Damn paparazzi," I mumbled as I went to shut the door.
"Excuse me, Sir! I think you have the wrong idea. I was told to come here today and meet Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen. I am set to take over Jacob Black's position until he gets back from vacation."
It didn't take long for me to piece it all together and realize why this guy was here. I wasn't in the mood to deal with that shit, so I sent him on his way, but not before he handed me his card.
"Mr. Cullen, I am sure this is all just a simple misunderstanding. Regardless, if you need my services in the future, please, do not hesitate to call."
I didn't even know what I did with his business card. Before then, I wasn't much bothered by the press's constant snooping. Bella and I had always needed more security going out together. Personally, I preferred Bella to have someone with her all the time; I didn't know what was out there. Jacob always handled everything when it came to the details. However, when Bella left and our little argument was caught on video, it started a media shit-storm.
One night after meeting a client over dinner, I was waiting for the valet to pull my car around when an overzealous paparazzo kept hounding me non-stop. When he started making assumptions about the female client I had been working with, I almost punched the fucker in the face. But that was when James showed up and managed to get the asshole off my back.
A friendship began that night, which eventually got James Ayers on my payroll.
"James was always there-not only as my bodyguard but as a friend. I had all but ostracized my family after you left. It was embarrassing not knowing what was going on between us. I tried to act like you were just gone to blow off some steam, like it was nothing that you had stormed out. I guess I wanted to believe that things really weren't as bad as I thought they were. I spoke to Tanya about that night. She was so adamant that she hadn't left the guest room. Iguess I just wanted to believe that it was nothing; I don't know why everything was so insane back then. I was trying to cover all bases. I started to freak out when I finally realized that you had cut off all contact and were really gone." I chanced a glance up at Bella, but she stood straight as a board and listened.
"I was pissed. I'm not going to lie. You accused me of unfaithfulness and left. You didn't believe me, you didn't have faith in me as your husband, and it tore me to shreds. It still does." Bella's head shot around and looked at me. I gazed at her soft eyes that were filled with remorse. I could see the tears start to gather, but she quickly blinked them away and turned around to stare outside of the window.
"When everyone realized your cell number was disconnected, that is when they started hounding me. Mom and Alice were the worst with their nagging and constant phone calls. I told them to back off and give us space; I didn't want to bring them in. I just wanted privacy. I didn't even really know what the fuck had caused you to react the way you did."
I let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Dad, Rose, and Jasper knew when to back off, but Emmett, he was sure I had royally fucked up. Every moment we were together working or chatting about business, he would just stop and stare at me with this knowing look. Then one day, Emmett calls and says he has to take care of something. Didn't really tell us where or why, he just left in the middle of the night. I had James and Jenks look into the flight details and found out that he had gone to Italy. It wasn't hard to deduce that he had gone to see you. A part of me was pissed and the other was elated. I wanted to be the one who got the fucking phone call; I mean, I was your husband. When I calmed down a bit, I was sure he had gone to talk with you, maybe even bring you home. Emmett and you had always had a close relationship, so I didn't doubt for one minute that you were coming back with him. So, when he popped back home one night when I was working some contracts with Rose and Jasper, I was sure he was going to tell me some news about you and when you were coming home."
I quickly stood up when the emotions of that day came back. I walked toward Bella and stopped behind her. I looked over her head and stared out at the city with her.
"He came back and beat the shit out of me. I don't mean tip-toeing around and taking small pot shots. I mean full on 'Float like butterfly and sting like a bee,' kind of beating. He was in this heated rage, the likes of which I had never seen before. He kicked my ass, big time. If Jasper and Rose hadn't been there, I think he would've killed me. I'd had many fights with my brother, but I had never ever seen Emmett enraged like that before. It was obvious something really big had gone down. He broke down and became this blubbering mess and held onto Rose tightly. He kept saying all sorts of things and about how he would never fail her. It fucking scared the shit out of me, and it woke me up that this wasn't some Alice in Wonderland-or people smoking hookah-kind of nightmare, where everything was all smoke and mirrors until the effect wore off and people returned to normal. I realized I was really losing you. So, I called Jenks and Ayers that night and had them set everything up so I could find you."
I reached out and put my hands on both sides of her, encasing her between me and the window sill. I leaned in close, rested my forehead on the base of her neck and spoke softly.
"I knew from the credit cards and bank accounts that you had stopped using our joint accounts. It was obvious that in a crisis you wouldn't have gone to Charlie; you would have gone to Aro. So after tying up all those loose ends and taking a necessary leave of absence, I flew with James to Italy. I remember when James and I showed up at Aro's estate and he wouldn't even see me. It was the first time that I had felt his wrath. Finally when we got in to see Aro, he was arrogant and gave me the run around. He kept saying that you and Jacob were looking for some time away from this whole mess. He kept insinuating that you wanted to move on and out of my life. That I needed to take the fucking hint and let you be happy. I wanted to rip his head off, especially when he kept repeating that he never should have let you marry me. That it was his great friendship with Carlisle that made him take a blind eye to my 'playboy' ways. After two days of being given the run around, I decided to stay in Italy for a few more days and have Jenks and James track you down. We got nowhere."
Bella slowly turned and stared up into my eyes. Her tears were flowing down her cheeks. When I reached up to her face, she quickly shook her head and reached up, wiping them away.
"I need some water, would you like some?" she asked over her shoulder as she walked to the dresser where a glass pitcher of water stood. As she started to raise the glass to her mouth, she stopped suddenly. Bella eyed the glass and the water quickly. Her eyes darted from the pitcher to the glass and back again. Quickly she grabbed the pitcher and glass and went to the bathroom and moments later she returned with both empty. As she met my confused stare, she shrugged and whispered, "I'm not sure, but they could've put something in it."
I watched her lean down and grab two bottled waters from the mini-fridge, walk over to me and hand me one. I stared at the bottle and back at her. When the light bulb went on, I slammed the bottle on the side table and pulled her into my arms.
"Baby, I am so sorry."
Bella pulled back and shook her head. This, Edward, is not your fault, and it isn't mine. This," she gestured toward the bottled water, "is just some insane bullshit that I have to get to the bottom of. Now please, continue."
I nodded and pulled her to the chair with me. She sat on my lap, resting her head on my shoulder with her feet dangling off the chair.
"On the plane ride home, I was a mess. I tried to reel it in but failed. James, who had no fucking clue what we meant to each other, kept trying to tell me that maybe I should listen to Aro. That maybe you truly wanted to move on. I told him to shut the fuck up and that he didn't know anything. I hate to say it, but I think a part of me was scared that it might be true."
I took a deep breath and held Bella closer to me. "I was so fucking upset and confused. I was angry that Emmett knew shit and I didn't. I was scared and alone. So, I wrote to you, praying you would read my words and that they would bring you home to me. I was so mentally exhausted. Mom kept calling, wanting to see me. She wanted to know what was going on. When I went to a family gathering-that I was told I had to attend- t ended up being a fucking intervention. Mom and Alice kept on me about what had happened. I couldn't say much, because honestly, I didn't even know where to begin. So I deflected. I lashed out and pulled the 'get out of our lives,' card. I played on their insecurities, that maybe you were right to leave because maybe they hounded you, the way that I was being hounded then. I threw out that it was none of their fucking business. Esme said she was shocked by my behavior and that she was sure that you would never speak to her that way. So, in my anger I snapped and remarked that 'if I knew where she was then maybe we could all go and ask her together.' Emmett, who had just walked in, snapped that if I had been a more attentive husband then maybe I would've known your location. That comment slapped me hard. I had no idea where you were."
Bella took a long breath and ran a hand over my jaw softly. I tried to find comfort in her touch and focused to steady my own emotions. She started to slowly stroke my neck and settled her hands on my chest. I slowly lifted her fingers and pulled her palm open, so I could kiss it. I leaned back in the chair, feeling the electric humming resonate between us.
"You didn't call. You didn't email. You didn't respond to a single letter. I was furious and I wanted to hurt you even more than you hurt me. So, I turned on the damn charm, and I started making more public outings. I never crossed a line with anyone but made sure to be more open and smiled more for the cameras. Every party, club opening, I mean, every single invitation I got, I tried to attcept I kept telling myself I was trying to elicit some reaction from you. You had fallen off the face of the earth; I wanted to draw you out. I was so mad; I didn't know if anyone had tried to get in contact with my family. But I didn't want them involved. So I forbade the family from getting into this mess. I knew how much they meant to you, but I felt so alone. I needed some control in this fucked up situation. You had your family- Jacob and Aro- to do your bidding. I felt it was only right to demand loyalty from mine. Mom was the only one who never listened. I know she called Aro once."
Bella sat up quickly. "Esme called asking for me?"
I nodded and watched as she looked down at my shirt, pulling at a thread from one of the buttons.
"I just wondered…I know I didn't call or write or email. I know now that it was Jacob and Uncl—I mean, Aro, that had kept everyone away, but still back then I wondered, you know? I wondered if she had tried to find me…if she missed me." I pulled at her chin and had her look at me.
"Love, of course she missed you. You mean so much to her, you have to know that." She kept her eyes down and refused to meet my gaze. "Bella?"
"I needed her, Edward. I mean, I needed you the most. But I needed Esme too. Everything was so wrong and upside down. I know it's hypocritical. When everything happened in Rome, I just...I just….wanted Mom." She looked up and locked eyes with me. And there on display, without any pretense, was all the hurt, the loneliness, and despair. When she glanced down at my lips, I parted mine. I wanted to kiss her with a frenzied passion and a manic aggression, but I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I hid the disappointment when she pulled back and looked down again. Slowly, she nestled her head back in the crook of my neck. I knew she wanted me to go on.
"I don't know what Aro told her, but I know that afterwards, my mom didn't ask much about our situation. Sometimes, I suspected that maybe she got in contact with you. So on the rare occasion that I spoke to her, I would accuse her and attack her. One time, I was such an ass that Emmett almost knocked me out. Then when I found out that you had moved to New York, I was crushed. I couldn't help it; I was paranoid and suspicious, especially when there were pictures of you at certain public events then. Those pictures killed me when I would see them. You looked amazing and sexy; you looked energized and alive; you looked happy," I whispered softly against her hair. "It hurt that I was a mess, and you were…well, you were fine. It looked as if you were fine without me in your life. I know that it is silly, Bella, childish even. But suddenly things that were impossible for me to ever think would make sense started to do so. I felt as if you really wanted to move on. That maybe Jacob had somehow won you over."
I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. It was still a fresh wound for me. The memories still dealt me a heavy blow. I felt Bella move her lips to my ear.
"There has never been anyone else; and there never will be. It is only you that I love, Edward." She kissed my ear and lay her head back down on my shoulder. I held her around the waist and had a sudden urge to cry. I prayed she would always feel this way; I prayed that it was not too late, especially since I had no idea how to gauge what her reaction would be to Victoria.
"I hit rock bottom. I was so withdrawn from everyone. Work was hard. Meeting with clients was hard. Just living was hard. The worst time was when Alice came back from New York. I couldn't help how I behaved; I had to know if she'd seen you. I think I was borderline insane. I regretted calling her the moment she said that she hadn't spoken to you. It was like I had opened a door to her coming back into my life. So, I quickly pulled back and started to seek solitude within myself again. James Ayers suddenly became the only person I hung out with. While we hardly ever really discussed personal matters before, one night I was working late at the apartment and he was heading out late, so I invited him to have a drink with me. We were friends, but we never really discussed us; therefore when he asked me about our marriage, it felt odd. But it was nice to talk about the good times. I just wanted to remember what I was holding onto, even though for all I knew at the time, you were with someone else. He asked me many things that night-from how we met to how amazing our marriage really was. When he went home, I was left with this huge hole in my heart, filled with more pain than I had ever experienced. It was the first night I started thinking of what a future without you would be like."
Bella was still and silent. I rubbed my hand over her wrist, and she whispered that she was "Okay."
"Alice was persistent in trying to pull me out again. I had a choppy relationship with Emmett, and work was becoming increasingly difficult to focus on. I knew everyone was coming to the end of their tether with me. After l had a total meltdown at work, Jasper tried to reason with me. I told him to fuck off and just mind his own business. I think he spoke to Alice, because before I knew it, she had called me and started to rant about how you and I were driving everyone insane. I don't know how but, without realizing it, I had agreed to go to Las Vegas with Alice."
I took a deep breath and said a silent prayer.
"Victoria Newman was someone Alice and I had met before you and Iwere married. We crossed paths a long time ago, I don't know when exactly, but it was after you and I were married. I knew Victoria was important to Alice's career. She had all the vital contacts and, from her reputation, she was amazing at her job. So when we both met up with her in Vegas, Alice and I were both on our best behavior. We presented the picture-perfect brother and sister relationship. One night after dinner, I was making my way back to my room, after walking Alice back to hers, when the elevator door opened. I was taken by surprise when I heard moaning and heavy breathing from inside. It was odd and freaky, so I tried to walk by quickly. At the same time, the couple from the elevator decided to exit. As they crashed into me, I was pushed against the wall and the lady was sandwiched between me and the man she was with. I was shocked and mortified to find myself staring at a half-naked Victoria and a very sweaty James."
"Oh my God, Edward, are you serious?" Bella sat up, shocked. I nodded. "What did you do?"
"It was so awkward and insane, but I bolted from them. I remember running to my room, and the damn keycard would not work. I yanked on the door handle and struggled with the keycard until it opened. When the lock finally clicked open, I ran inside, slammed the door behind me and bolted it shut."
Bella smiled a little, and I chuckled a little bit, remembering how much fear I had felt when those two tumbled out onto me. We both laughed and tried to hold back the smiles as we thought about the incident. But quickly our laughter died down and we both were sitting close and the uncomfortable silence surrounded us again.
"The next morning, James tried really hard to talk to me about it. But I explained to him that he wasn't on duty. There was no reason to explain anything to me, but l resolutely stressed that when he was on duty, he needed to be vigilant. I made it abundantly clear to him that his personal life was his business. James was adamant that it would not interfere with his work, and he, true to his word, was vigilant and steadfast on the job. Once Victoria found that I wasn't giving her the cold shoulder, she was apologetic and tried to make light of her tryst. I shrugged and said it was no big deal. Before she left my side, she came up close and whispered that maybe I should hang out with them later. At first, I had no intention of doing so, but after Alice went to bed and I was back in my own suite, a knock on my door suddenly brought me to the decision of staying in or going out with them. I was going to say no. But then….."
I trailed off, not sure how to go on. I cradled my face in my hand and felt Bella reach up to pull it away. "But then, what?"
I could see the serious look in her eyes. So I nodded and continued.
"But then he made some remark about there being no sense in sitting inside waiting for someone who wasn't waiting around for me." My voice cracked a little. "I don't know why it just struck a nerve that night. So, I decided to go out with them. We headed out on The Strip and ended up at some of the VIP clubs, I can't even tell you which ones now. They were loud with flickering lights. It was uncomfortable and just really made me feel like I was out of my element. But then James handed me a drink as we sat back. Nothing happened-I just got lost in the flow of the night and I started to feel comfortable. The entire club was alive with moving bodies and people, free and dancing. After I finished my drink, I looked over at James to ask when we were leaving, and I realized that he and Victoria had started making out. They caught me off guard, and I couldn't help but stare. The lust that was resonating off them was intoxicating. They were lost in the moment. Suddenly Victoria looked over at me and instead of shock at me watching them, she smiled and pulled James into an open-mouthed kiss but kept her eyes on me. I wanted to pull my eyes away. I knew it was wrong, but for some reason I just couldn't. Somehow, I managed to get myself up and go to the bathroom. I washed my face with cold water, and when I went back, they were ready to leave. Thankfully Victoria never said a word about me watching, and I was so relieved to get back to my own room. When I woke up the next morning, I felt sick as I remembered the events of the night before. I knew it was like playing with fire. I had one more day before Alice and I were due to go back to Los Angeles. I tried to make the most of my stay but avoided Victoria. I saw her the last day at the photo shoot with Alice. Since there was little she could do to me, especially with Alice there, I made nice and acted totally cool. After the shoot wrapped that day, Alice and I left and we both went back to Los Angeles."
"Alice said Victoria made you laugh, Edward. That you seemed carefree, different," Bella whispered.
"I wasn't happy and carefree, Bella, I was torn and depressed. But I am not going to lie-being with Alice, and watching her on the shoot, it gave me a great sense of pride. While Alice worked and I sat back and watched, Victoria and I did hang out. But every conversation was about Alice or about…you."
I watched Bella frown. "You spoke about me? What did you say?"
"Alice organized a shoot once and the model looked very much like you. I didn't notice until Victoria pointed it out; she never asked where you were, or why you weren't with me. Victoria just assumed we were apart and didn't make a big deal of it. But she made me feel normal, Bella. She made the dysfunction in our relationship seem normal. I didn't get the pitied look or the sly questions. It was the first time in long time I felt at ease with us being apart."
Bella quickly got up and turned to face me, with her arms crossed around herself. "So how did you wind up in Vegas with James and Victoria again? Alice said she didn't know you all kept in touch, until she saw that news report. I mean you left and you said you knew she was weird, so then, why would you go back there with them?"
I ran my hands over my face. This was it, the big asshole decision that I had wanted to avoid talking about.
"It was about…a few weeks before the gala in Chicago. After I got done with a major account, I had a free weekend on my hands. James and I were playing pool after work, when somehow we decided that a nice guys only weekend was in dire need. Hitting the tables at the casinos and relaxing at the pool sounded particularly enticing. I was so stressed, just so fucking stressed. I decided to go and have a good time. When we got there, I checked us into a suite with two rooms. I don't know, Bella; it was nice to have a guys weekend. Emmett and Jasper were both so high strung, and every look they pointed in my direction was always accusing. It was the same look you gave me when you slapped me and left. I just…needed a release from everything. Everything was great until that night. After dinner, we got a knock at the door and when James opened it, in walked Victoria. I didn't know she was going to be there, and James promised me that it wasn't pre-arranged. But thinking back to it now, how could she have even known our hotel room number? I'm almost confident that he did tell her that we would be in Vegas. Against my better judgment, I let her stay in our suite with James."
I saw Bella visibly stiffen. I wanted to stop. I wanted to just hold her and tell her we would be okay. But I couldn't; I needed to finish this. I cleared my throat and I slowly stood, facing her.
"The insanity of that weekend began almost immediately. First, I got shit-faced and ended up confessing that you had left me because you thought I had cheated. Then when I started asking their advice on how to get you back, the questions as to why I was still holding on came fast and furiously. I told them, Bella, I told them why. But when Victoria offered her theory, it fucked with my mind. She started saying that Jacob must have meant more to you, than I did. That maybe you just wanted a reason to leave and were just too scared to initiate it."
Bella turned her back to me and slowly walked to the dresser across from us. I closed my eyes and kept talking.
"Bella, I know it's insane considering what we have, but at the time it made fucking sense. She kept saying that I couldn't compete with history. That a boy, who fucking climbed in your window at night and hung out in your bed, possessed too much fucking history for anyone to compete with. God help me, I didn't want to believe it, but at that moment I did. I was standing on a fucking cliff of despair, and for the first time since you left, I wanted it to end; I wanted the fucking pain to go away. So I jumped."
She let out a sob and her shoulders started to shake; Bella reached out and held onto the top of the dresser. I slowly took a step toward her and steadied my voice.
"I started thinking I was being selfish. That it was useless. You were done with me. So why was I holding on? I t had been so long Bella, I didn't know at the time that you were going to come back. The gala in Chicago was a little less than a month away; you hadn't attended them in so long. I didn't know that my parents had sent you a message saying they needed to see you. I wasn't letting go, right? I wasn't moving on? So, when James mentioned that the best way to try and move on was starting with a brand new slate, I didn't see the point in waiting anymore."
"Edward, no. Please, no." Bella sobbed. I clenched my jaw and held my emotions together.
"I decided to go and file for divorce." The pain flew through me when I said it out loud. "It was supposed to be easy. I would file and they would do all the work. If you didn't reply, I could go before a judge and simply have him sign off on it. I mean, it was better than sitting around and knowing that your wife didn't love you anymore."
Bella's shoulders trembled, and I almost reached out to touch her. I stopped myself, knowing I needed to get it all out.
"Thankfully, I found out that I needed to be a resident of Nevada for at least six weeks before I could legally file for divorce. When I found out that I had to wait or file back in Los Angeles with Jasper, I was relieved. Bella, I never stopped loving you. It dawned on me then that we could divorce and never see each other again, but my heart would still belong to you."
I saw Bella quickly wipe away her tears but she stood still.
"Along with the relief, there was still pain. It hurt knowing that I was stuck, that I was reduced to loving you from afar. It hurt so bad, that I let James and Victoria distract me. I gambled a lot. I drank a lot. I went out to clubs a lot. I wanted to do anything to just blend in with the crowd. One night while James and Victoria were doing their nightly make-out session on the dance floor, some girls came over and struck up a conversation. I wanted them to go away, but they wouldn't get the hint. Suddenly Victoria landed on my lap and cussed the girls out. They got the hint and took off. When I asked her to get off, she handed me the extra drink in her hand and made some fucking toast about 'living it up.' I was an idiot and I drank it all up. I didn't know if it was because I had already had so much to drink, but the effects of that drink just overtook me. Everything got foggy and crazy. The music blurred and the people and their dancing slowed down. I was so hot and thirsty that I needed a fucking glass of water. My head started to spin."
I reached out and put my hands on her waist and held her tightly as she cried. She turned to stare at me with her hurt-filled eyes. There was no tenderness, nor was there any faith left in them. I slowly dropped to my knees and pressed my face against her stomach.
"When I tried to focus my mind, suddenly the music stopped and the fog started to clear and then, I saw you. You were standing there among the throngs of people with a bottle of water, you walked to me slowly, and it was like you were floating on air. You straddled me and leaned down to kiss me but instead of your lips pressing against mine, it was the cool mouth of a bottle. I opened my eyes and you were pouring water down for me to drink. I didn't know how you found me or why you were back but I was so fucking thankful at that moment. Somehow we ended up back in the suite, and you were pulling away. I held on tighter. You pulled away, and I didn't want to let go. So, I chased you around the suite as you laughed. But your laugh was off. I called out to you to stop running and to just be with me. Suddenly, it got blurry, and my head was pounding and throbbing. I reached for you again, but you slipped through my fingers. I tripped and fell, and then I heard James laugh and 'Come on, man, we got to get you to the couch to sit down.' I called out for you to come back to me. And when a figure passed me by, I thought it was you and I grabbed a hold of your wrist and pulled you to me. But the second I got you in my lap, I realized it wasn't you. The smell was off, the weight was off, I mean, it all was off. I focused as hard as I could and I realized that Victoria was in my lap laughing while James was behind her undoing her dress. I sat up and freaked out. I didn't know what the hell was happening. She ran her hands over my chest and started to undo my shirt, and I froze. I wanted you back; I wasn't prepared for you to go, to vanish again. Instead of stopping her, I tried to go back in my haze. But it wasn't working. She still wasn't you. Before I knew it, I had a moment of clarity and my common sense kicked in. I stood up and threw Victoria on her ass with James trying to catch her. I kept babbling; I know I was trying to shake the fog. Somewhere in the background, I heard James chuckle and say, 'It's okay, Edward, I don't mind sharing for the night.'"
I felt Bella quickly reach down and hold my head in her hands and stroke her fingers through my hair. "Oh my God, Edward, what did they do to you?"
"The whole night didn't come back to me until later, and when it did, I realized just how fucked up I was. I don't know how, Bella, but I climbed over the side of the sofa, crawled into my room and slammed the door, locking it. I was so groggy. I tried to wake up by going into the bathroom and splashing my face with cold water. It still wasn't working so I tried to throw up, and when I started, I couldn't stop. I kept hearing James pounding on my door; finally, I think he broke it in because he was in the bathroom with me. He apologized. He started saying that he had fucked up. It was fucking Ecstasy, Bella, or something like it. He and Victoria had been taking something to keep them going all night. I guess one of the drinks she gave me must have been laced with it. I don't know how or why, but I reacted badly to it. I couldn't take it; I told them to get the fuck out-and find another hotel room because they were not staying with me that night. James kept saying he was sorry. But I was done. I had made some really bad decisions but I was never okay with taking Ecstasy."
I pulled back and looked up at her. I needed her to read my eyes when I confessed.
"Bella, I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have even let that woman near me, especially after everything that happened with Tanya. I wasn't trying to be seen with her; I wasn't trying to hurt you. It had been close to four fucking years, baby, I just wanted the pain to go away. But, I swear to God, I never slept with Victoria. Since the moment I met you, it has only been you. I swear. That picture from the club, I don't even remember it being taken. I was so fucking wasted. After that night, the next morning we were scheduled to take a charter flight back to Los Angeles. I was sick as a dog but I just wanted to get home. I just expected them both to take a fucking hint that we were a done deal. James met me as I left my room and followed me to check out. Victoria caught me in the lobby; she begged me to listen that she wanted to explain and say that she was sorry. I tried to tell her to get away but it was too public. I brushed it off and made my way to the door, but the damn paparazzi, they were everywhere. They were impossible to dodge, so we all had to make a smooth exit, together. I answered the damn questions the best I could and kept saying 'no comment.' But Victoria kept close, so when we go into the car, I set both Victoria and James straight. I never wanted to see her again. And James was fired, effective immediately. I took the charter flight home and had the car drop James and Victoria off at the main terminal so they could make their own way home."
"There was a news report…the video of you and Victoria leaving the hotel in Vegas. Seeing you with her made me call Aro and tell him to get me lawyer. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me," she whispered. The statement washed through me. My moment of clarity, that the love I held for my wife would never end, as the very same moment that made my beloved want to end everything between us-permanently.
Bella slowly whispered, "What about Chicago? I know she met you in the stairwell, Edward? Why the whole act? Why not tell me then?"
I let out a deep breath. "She texted me that morning and asked to meet. I wasn't going to go, but when she said she was going to be at magazine photo shoot, I went."
"What did she want?"
"She asked me if the rumors were true, that you were back. I told her it was none of her business, and that I didn't want her anywhere near the damn photo shoot. She kept saying that she didn't understand my hostility and that she just wanted to be friends. That she and James were just fooling around. I told her I didn't really care what the hell they meant and that I didn't want friends like that. I just didn't want her around me ever." I covered my face with my hands. "She threatened me. Told me that James had captured some video of that night on her phone; she said she knew from the grapevine that this photo shoot meant more than just publicity for Alice. She said that the video could burn me, destroy what was left of my marriage and hurt my whole family. I was furious and told her to go fuck herself and that if she dared to threaten me again I would take everything from her-her job, credibility-and I would even sue her."
I looked up at Bella and clutched onto her again.
"When I left her, I got your call to meet up and talk. I was a mess. I was afraid. That's why I just wanted to be near you and I asked you to pretend that we were okay. Do you remember, Bella?" I watched her swallow hard and nod slowly. "When we were in the dressing room, at the photo shoot and she knocked on the door, Ididn't know how to react. When you ran out, Victoria explained she had backed out of the photo shoot, but at the last minute, when the art director of the shoot was giving you problems, Alice had asked the magazine to send out someone else. Victoria was the only one that didn't have a prior commitment."
Bella just stood still. I didn't know what she was thinking. I knew she was in pain. I wanted to cut off my tongue for having said these hurtful things to her. But I had to own up; I had to tell her the truth.
"The guilt of realizing the mistake I almost made…what I was going to give up and walk away…you have no idea how tortured I felt. I didn't want you to know how close I came to fucking it all up. When I found out you were coming back, I was so happy and at the same time, so scared. I didn't know what you would say when I confessed everything to you. But when you came back and were so determined to leave me-I don't know, Bella. Something inside of me just snapped. I mean, even though we were apart, there still was a chance for us. But if you legally ended our relationship, what the hell would I do? Because, whether I was married to you or not, my heart would always belong to you. My whole life, Bella, my whole reason to exist is because of you."
I felt Bella starting to shake and sob again. Her knees buckled; she dropped onto my lap. I shushed her and held her close. I rocked her in my lap as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I buried my face in her hair and took a deep breath. It was done. All my secrets were out. Bella knew everything. I was so thankful she was still in my arms and that she hadn't bolted from the room. Especially after what had happened with Tanya, I didn't know how she would take my confession about Vegas.
I heard her start to whisper something, and I pulled back a little and brushed her hair off her face. She continued to rock and shake; she continued to mumble under her breath. Something clearly wasn't okay. Bella's eyes were tightly shut, and she held onto my shirt with her tight fists.
"Bella? Bella, talk to me, what's wrong?" I forced her chin up and cupped her face. "Look at me, Bella, look at me please!"
Bella's lower lip trembled and the tears continued to flow. I pulled her back to me and kissed her forehead. "Baby, you are scaring me. Bella, just talk to me please."
"You're still mine…You're still mine…I didn't lose you…I never lost you…You never stopped loving me." I suddenly made out the words she was saying.
"Of course, Bella. My God! Of course ,I still love you. Of course, I am still yours." I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes. "Forever, for always, I am yours. You are my entire life. I love you, Isabella Cullen. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I was yours. You bewitched me, body and soul. We are going to be okay, Bella. I swear we will. Just let this all go. Let us start again. We can make this work."
Bella looked up at me with her red-rimmed eyes. "Do you really think we can make it, Edward? You don't think it's too late?"
I gazed into her eyes and smiled.
"It won't be easy, my Bella. In life there are obstacles that come at us and as we pass each test, we will grow. Everyone goes through this, especially in marriage. Unfortunately, some grow apart. But if we try hard, I know we can make it. And I know we can, Bella, I have faith in us that we can. I promise you this, love; there is no greater reward than passing each test and growing together."
As I watched Bella nod and start to cry again, I held her close in my arms. I don't know that I ever felt more protective of Bella than I did in that moment. I just hoped she could see my immense love for her as she looked into my eyes. She slowly closed her eyes, blinked and let all the tears drain from her as I cradled her against me. When she opened her eyes again, they glistened with all the love and devotion I had prayed she'd have for me again. Her brown with specs of gold irises shined and called to me once more.
I swear, I saw my paradise in her eyes. The anchor that held me down was suddenly pulled up, and I was free. Slowly and hesitantly, I leaned down to kiss her trembling lips with all the passion and fire that my body possessed.
In that moment, our dormant souls came alive again. Our heartbeats had reunited, as they once again started to beat as one. I knew then that we were going to make it.