APRIL - SOPHIA
I walked in a daze, feeling nothing at all. I guess I still was in shock.
Because I should feel something. Anything.
I shouldn't feel nothing.
But I did, and I kept walking.
I didn't know where Sam was, I guessed that he was still at the police station being questioned about what had happened earlier. The only reason they let me go was because I didn't have much to say. I had seen everything, but I couldn't put it in words. I couldn't speak.
All I could see now when I closed my eyes was Dean's eyes, with no life in them. No love, no pain, no nothing. They were dead.
And there was blood, so much blood.
I had no idea of what Sam did after the trigger went off. I saw Trent – I heard the gun take off. I saw Dean stepping out in front of me, and now I would never see him again.
So yeah, I should feel something. But I didn't.
I kept walking, and noticed that I ended up at Tess' place. It was night, and they were probably asleep. I had no idea of how long I had been at the police station. An hour, two? And before that... We left the bar after midnight, and by then both Tess and Dave had left.
So yeah, they were asleep.
But I didn't care. I needed my sister right now. That much I knew. That much I felt.
So I walked up on the porch, and knocked on the door. Several times.
It felt like forever before I heard footsteps from the other side of the door, and saw the doorknob moving. And then I saw her. And I broke down and I suddenly felt everything.
There was an ache in my chest I had never felt before. I felt so empty. I didn't even feel like this when mom died. I thought I had felt bad then, but this was so much worse.
Because this pain was ripping my chest open, pulling my heart out and stabbing a knife in it. It was killing me, but I didn't die. I was still alive. Alive with this pain that I didn't want to feel.
That no one should feel. That no one should survive.
I felt lost, and I felt pain, and more ache and grief and anger and sorrow and so many emotions I couldn't name. And I felt helpless.
I saw confusion in Tess' eyes, but without saying anything I stepped inside and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back, even though she didn't understand anything.
"He's dead, Tess. He's gone, and I can't do anything. There was so much blood..." I managed to choke before the sob in my throat became too much for me to talk.
Her arms around me became tighter, but that didn't stop my knees for giving in and suddenly both of us were on the floor. I felt her moving us so that we were against the wall, both of her arms around me. One hand was stroking my hair, and the other one was hugging me tightly.
Both of my arms were around her neck, and I felt her tears falling along with mine.
I heard voices, but I couldn't make out what they said. I didn't care. I just wanted Tess' arms to be replaced by Dean's. But I would never feel them again. Never feel that safety I always felt around him. Never feel his hands tracing over my body, never look into his eyes, never hear his voice. I would never see or hear or feel that again. And that made the tears come all the more.
When Tess' tears had dried I heard the door closing behind us, and suddenly I recognized my brothers arms around the two of us. What was he doing here in the middle of the night?
I didn't care to ask, and I turned around in Tess' arms and faced Rob, burrowing my head in his chest. It didn't help. It wasn't Dean who sat beside me. And he never would be again.
As my tears started to dry, the morning was creeping closer.
I heard the kids waking, and I heard Tess telling Dave to take them out the back door because she didn't want them seeing me like this. That was probably a good idea.
"What happened?" Tess whispered, but I didn't answer her. I didn't want to think about it. I never wanted to go back to that street. Not even in my thoughts.
Instead of answering her, I opened my eyes. Rob was wearing the same shirt as yesterday, now soaked in my tears. I raised my hand to wipe the new tear away, and noticed the dark, dried blood on my hand. Dean's blood.
"I... I need to..." I mumbled, not finishing the sentence as I rose from the floor and hurried into the bathroom.
I needed to get the blood away from my hand. I couldn't have it there. I didn't want to. As I started the water, and put my hand under it I looked myself in the mirror. The hand wasn't the only place I had blood. It was on my clothes too, and my face. It was so much. And I didn't want it on me. So I quickly took my clothes off and threw them aside. Then I finished washing my hands and my face. With a lot of soap and hot water. My hands were red from the heat instead of the blood when I was done.
I slid down on the floor again, and after a minute I heard the door opening and Tess walked inside with clothes in her hands. We had always been the same size, so I knew they would fit. But I didn't care.
She handed them to me, and I put them on. Then I walked out the door.
"I'm gonna go," I said, wanting to be alone in my apartment. It felt like I hadn't been there in ages. And I was tired. So, so tired.
"Soph..." Rob started, but I hushed him.
"I want to be alone, please."
I saw them both looking at me with worry in their eyes, but I needed to be alone.
"Call me if there is anything," Tess said, and both she and Rob gave me a hug. I nodded and then tried to smile. It didn't work very well, and it probably turned into a grimace.
"Me too," Rob said, smiling sadly. I knew what they were saying. That they would always be there for me. And I really appreciated that. More than they would ever know. But I really wanted to be alone right now. And so I left.
I still didn't know where Sam was, and he didn't pick up when I called him. I left him a voice mail telling him I was home and told him to come by. It wasn't just me who lost Dean - Sam lost a brother. And he was suffering just as much as I did. I knew that.
I unlocked my apartment and walked inside, pulling of my shoes and throwing them aside in the hall. I walked into the living room, finding the photo album marked 'DEAN'.
That's where I had every photo I had of him, and of us together. From the good old days, when I was still a teenager. It was filled, and I had two more filled with other memories. They were all from other times, all photos inside them from after the time we got together.
I took them out as well, and walked into the kitchen and opened the first one.
The first page had pictures of him when he was young, pictures he gave me because I wanted them. They weren't many.
I turned the page, and found pictures from our first couple of days together. The start of our friendship. I kept turning the pages, and suddenly stopped when I saw a photo of the three of us from when I was sixteen. I smiled through my tears as I looked at it. We were making faces, barely holding it together because we laughed so much. It was from the time Dean and Sam had lived here in Friday Harbor for a few weeks when John was on a hunt he didn't want them to be on.
- Flashback -
"Dean, I already told you I'm not going."
"Why not?" I heard Dean's voice say from the other side of the phone.
"First of all, I don't have anyone to go with because no one want's to go with me. Second of all, I don't want to go. And thirdly..."
"That's a very long list," Dean interrupted me.
"Yeah, well, I'm sick. And that's why I'm not in school right now, having math."
"God, I hate math. And you're wrong, there is someone out there who wants to take you to the school dance."
"Liar," I said, sighing. I knew no one wanted to go with me, because everyone wanted to take Caroline to the school dance. Or one of her friends. Caroline and her friends were the most popular girls in school, and every guy wanted them. And god did she know how to use them.
And I wasn't really a part of that popular group. The truth was that I was no way near it, and most of the school ignored me because I had straight A's. I was an outsider. But I didn't care – at least I knew who my real friends were. The one's who cared about me, and not my looks or the way I acted.
Dean was one of them.
"Wait a sec, someone's at the door," I said when I heard the doorbell and got up from my bed, leaving the phone there. I walked down the stairs and into the hall. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror. I had my pajama on, even though it was in the middle of the day. My hair was a mess in the bun it was in. But what the hell? I had been down with the flu for a week, and was allowed to look like this if I wanted to.
I turned for the door, and opened it. And my jaw fell slack.
"Well, you don't look so sick," Dean said, walking inside.
"I am," I answered him, closing the door behind him. "And what are you doing here?"
"Saying hello to my best friend, and convincing her to take me to the school dance," he said as he gave me a hug and then walked up the stairs. He sure knew how to make himself at home.
I followed him into my bedroom, and turned off the phone.
"I'm sorry to break this to you, but they only let students in," I told him honestly, smiling at him. If there was someone out there wanting to take me to the dance, it was Dean. Maybe he would even stick to my side when he saw Caroline and her fake friends.
"Good thing then I'm Friday Harbor's new student," he said, grinning.
"You what?" I asked, staring at him with disbelieving eyes. He rolled his eyes, and sat down on the bed next to me.
"Dad dropped me and Sam off here for a few weeks while he's on hunt," he explained. "So, you really don't look so sick. Are you sure you're not just faking it to get out of the math test you have today?"
"Damn, you got me," I smiled, and then turned serious. "To tell you the truth, I'm going tomorrow. And I'm showing you around, and since you really want to I'll let you take me to the dance tomorrow night," I said, smiling up at him.
- End Flashback -
I looked at the next picture, remembering his first day at High school in Friday Harbor and the dance itself.
- Flashback -
"Here it is, hell on earth," I said as Dean, Sam and I walked into school. Dean and Sam had both slept at my place that night, Sam and Dean both taking the floor in my room. It was the way it always were when they slept at my place. But they had never been here for weeks at the time without John before, and Dean would stay with Sam at the motel the rest of the time. Sam was fifteen, telling Dean he could take care of himself. Of course Dean didn't listen.
"It can't be that bad," Dean said as Sam walked off before us, searching his way to his locker. I showed Dean his, and noticed most of the girls looking at him. Great, he would be Caroline's new meet. Her new toy. If he let her of course.
"So, where is the witch?" he leaned in and whispered, making me laugh. The witch. Dean's nickname for Caroline.
"She is right there," I said, looking in the right direction. Caroline and her friends were walking in our direction, or should I say Dean's?
"Wow, she looks..." Dean started, trailing off.
"Perfect, wonderful, amazing, gorgeous?" I finished for him.
"I was going to say 'like a bitch'. And as far as I can see, you're the most beautiful and amazing girl here," he said, making me rolling my eyes. He was just saying that to make me feel better. It worked, though.
"Hi, I'm Caroline. I've never seen you before, you must be new. Let me show you around," Caroline came up to Dean, smiling the biggest fake smile I'd ever seen. Dean had been here for ten minutes, and she was all over him.
"Actually, I already have my own personal guide, and I'll keep her," Dean smiled, putting an arm around my shoulder. I almost started to laugh at Caroline's expression, and I saw Dean pressing his lips together.
"Sophie, can I talk to you?" Caroline managed to say, and I nearly rolled my eyes again. She didn't even know my name, and the only reason she wanted to talk to me was because she wanted to know how I had 'captured' Dean.
I looked up at Dean, seeing his expression. He wouldn't leave me with her.
"You go that direction, and I'll see you soon," I told him, pushing him away because he wouldn't go otherwise.
"I'll let you eat lunch with us if you give him to me," Caroline said, and this time I actually did laugh.
"I don't want to eat lunch with you, and I would never trade my best friend. And you can take him if you want to, he's not mine. But you won't be able to use him like you use everyone else, because Dean has a mind of his own. He's not stupid enough to fall for you," I said, and walked away.
When I met Dean and Sam for lunch, I told Dean what I had told Caroline. He laughed and shook his head, telling me I was brave. Yeah right. I just told her what I thought. We all sat down with the few friends I had at this school – Steve, Tess, Dave, Lindsay and Jen. We were six people in our group, and Dave was here because of Tess. He had been one of the little more popular guys before he and Tess got together. But of course, according to themselves, they weren't together. So, they were lying to us, or to themselves. Either way, they liked each other. We had known Dave and his family for years, but he had never been with us. Tess was also an outsider, and just like me she choose to be one.
But for a few weeks now, our little group of six would be eight.
"I can't believe you're making me do this," I said as I pulled up the zipper up on the black dress. I didn't own a dress, and Tess had borrowed me this one. At least we were the same size.
"You'd just regret it later if you didn't go," Dean said from my bathroom, and I found a black pair of high heels in my closet. I was done, waiting for Dean. I hadn't bothered to do much, but it was more than I was used to. Tess had put make-up on me, something I never wore otherwise.
The shoes wasn't really something I would have picked on my own, but both mom and Tess forced me to have them. I couldn't even remember why I owned them.
My feet would be in pain after twenty minutes.
If I would have chosen myself, I would have picked my black converse. I used them everyday, and soon I would have to buy another pair because they were so used.
I looked at myself in the full body mirror on the closet door.
The dress was pretty short, showing off my legs. And the shoes made my legs look really long. Which I actually liked, because I was so short.
My black hair was let out, barely touching my shoulders, and it fell straight like it always did.
"Girl, you look fine," I heard Dean say, and turned around. He wasn't so bad himself.
But then again, Dean always looked good.
"You ready to go?" I asked, and he nodded, grinning and taking my arm to lead me out of my room and down the stairs.
"You two are not going anywhere without me taking a picture," mom stopped us, and I heard Tess laugh. Mom had probably already taken a picture of her and Dave, standing in the door waiting for us.
I rolled my eyes for Dean, and then looked at Mom, waiting for her to take the picture.
"Are you taking one or not?" I asked, seeing her smile.
"I already took it, now go," she said and pushed us out the door.
As we were inside the school, Dean wrapped his arm around my waist when he saw Caroline watching. I didn't care though, but I didn't remove his arm.
"You wanna give her a heart attack?" Dean whispered, and I looked up at him with confused eyes. What were he talking about? Dean winked, and then before I could react he leaned his head down and pressed his lips against mine for a few short seconds.
- End Flashback -
I stroked the picture mom took of us with my finger, remembering how that kiss had felt like. It wasn't a real kiss, and there was no emotion in it. Nothing but friendship. But that was our first kiss, and I counted it as a real kiss. It was my first kiss. Before that I had never been kissed on the lips, there had only been peeks on the cheek or something like that.
I didn't get a real romantic kiss until about a year later, with my first boyfriend Adam. He's Steve's brother, and we're still friends. We just didn't have that connection, and we only dated for a few weeks. It was never serious.
I had only been with two guys before Dean, and I thought I loved them both. That was Eric, and before him it was Tyler. But when I fell for Dean, I realized he was the only one I had ever loved. And I always would. I knew that. My love for him would never fade, and he would hold my heart for the rest of my life.
I smiled through my tears again as I watched the picture again. Mom had snapped the picture when I looked up at Dean, rolling my eyes, and he looked down on me. It was impossible to see that I was rolling my eyes, so it just looked like we were looking into each others eyes, smiling. We looked like a couple even then.
If we changed the clothes, and the location, it actually looked like one of the many photos taken on our wedding day. And of course there was the fact that the photo was taken twelve years ago, and Dean and I had only been married for a year. Not even that long.
I wiped my tears away and rose from the table, walking into our – my – bedroom.
I laid down on my side of the bed, closed my eyes and tried to relax. I couldn't do it. I felt something missing. I missed the heat of the body that should be beside me.
I opened my eyes, and stared at the empty side of the bed for a long time before I got up and took Dean's pillow and cover with me and walked out into the living room and lay down on the couch.
There, with Dean's scent on the pillow, I managed to fall asleep.