Chapter 25 Reconciliation
Some mild sexual activity (no explicit description).
From the first moment Gilbert wrapped her in his arms, Lili sensed something was wrong. It was not only the way he commanded Maria to leave them alone for a few hours, but also how he kissed her and held her. Sloppy desperate kisses, groping hands: it wasn't romantic or passionate, but needy.
Lili's heart pounded faster as he pulled her into the bedroom and onto the Danish bed. She didn't like this. She wanted to slow down and calm him. As he nipped and sucked at her neck, an image of a vampire flashed in her head. She twisted away and glared down at him.
"Wat, Lili?" Gilbert looked up, hungry red eyes. "Mein Gott, I missed you so much." He reached out to touch her cheek gently. She looked down at him and her anger and fear receded. She remembered how abject he had looked when they had last skyped. She had her own worries and needs too, but she realized they needed to wait.
Lili took his hand and squeezed it. She breathed in and out deeply. "That's why I'm here, Schatz," she whispered. "We don't have to rush, I'm not going to disappear." She lay back down, facing him. "Breathe with me, Gilbert," she commanded.
She was relieved when he obeyed, as she stroked his cheek, arms and side. She could hear his breathing slow down with hers. Good, they were both relaxing. She edged in for a kiss, and this time his lips were softer and better controlled. They undressed each other and she rolled on top of him.
"Just be still," she whispered, looking into his wine-dark eyes. She rested her head upon his chest and rose and fell with his breathing. Lili felt Gilbert's hands trace along her back, landing to rest on the small dip above her buttocks. She smiled when she heard him sigh contentedly. They kissed and caressed some more, until she was finally ready to let him in.
Lili felt a tingly energy throughout her pelvis and back as Gilbert grew in her. She looked up at him and smiled at how relaxed and pleased he looked. This time when they kissed, they exchanged breaths. Lili imagined a circle in their bodies from mouth to heart to root to womb to heart and lips again; with each cycle, she felt a greater calm and joy sweep through her. Her worries and questions receded, as she concentrated on the energy orbiting through their bodies. She enjoyed listening to Gilbert's deep sighs, feeling him rise and fall under her, sensing his muscles relax. She didn't mind that he was falling asleep inside her; experience had shown it seemed to recharge him better than regular cuddling did. She didn't even mind it for herself; she had been so anxious on her way to Potsdam. Ridiculous but disturbing scenes had played in her head about his loneliness, Maria's coldness, her budding beauty, his history….Lili closed her eyes and surrendered to sleep, trusting the orbit of energy to repair their hearts and minds.
Later, Maria's entrance and sarcastic remarks would awaken them. Gilbert shook himself and grumbled, "That's the most she's said out loud in a whole week." Lili murmured about getting up and wishing their daughter good night, but he tightened his arms around her and she felt him surge inside her. "Talk to her tomorrow," he pleaded. "Just stay here with me tonight, Liebling. You feel so good right now." She nodded and laid her head back down on his chest.
The next morning, a half-full coffeemaker and a note greeted Lili in the kitchen. Maria had gone to Sanssouci to do some sketches and would be back after lunch. She was disappointed because she had hoped she would be able to talk to her daughter. Maybe she could get some time alone with her before dinner, maybe even make dinner together and chat.
She felt warm strong arms around her waist and the familiar scent of gunpowder and musk greeted her. Gilbert hugged her and whispered, "Back to bed, meine Dame. I'm going to make us pancakes and serve you." He kissed her hair, ears, and cheeks. Lili laughed and looked up at him. He seemed much more like his best self: assured and playful. So she showered and returned to bed, awaiting him with the tray. They ate together in a lighthearted mood. Lili didn't want to disturb it with her questions.
Later in the morning, as they ran errands together, Gilbert brought up Maria's behavior to Lili's relief. "I don't get it," he fumed. "I think sometimes it's Willi's death, but when I ask her, she says it's not that. I ask her if she wants another puppy, I even say that we'll get it from her verdammt buddy Poland, and she just shrugs and says okay but not to do it on her account. I ask about that fancy school and she says it's fine. I even call the directors and teachers and ask if that's the truth, and they say, ja, that she is a pleasure to have in class and her classmates seem to like her. She likes Schwerin better than Neustrelitz. I like it better than that little town too! You'd think she'd be happy, you'd think she'd feel a little gratitude towards us for getting her out of that verdammt hell, but she acts like she'd rather be anywhere but with me." He turned to Lili and she saw the shade of his loneliness and grief rise in his eyes. "She used to adore me, Lili. I used to pray for a minute away from her chatter and tagging after me when she was little, and now I wish that Maria would return."
I wish that Maria would return. Lili froze. She knew what he meant, but the subconscious meaning of the sentence was more significant to her. Be calm and sensible, she warned herself. She talked to him about adolescents' need to separate themselves from their parents and develop their own identities, but he shrugged dismissively.
"Ludi never did this nonsense," he muttered. "He had his studies, then his military training and commitments. And back then, you could box a youth's ears or still whip him for rudeness! Same thing for the girls. You don't know how many Junkers' daughters got beaten into a marriage!"
Lili turned and stared at him. "Is that what you want to do to our daughter, Gilbert?" She kept her voice low. "You want to punish her for not being a five-year old anymore?" Gilbert looked uncomfortable. "You've said yourself that she behaves well at school and home," she persisted. "Do you think you can beat her into adoring you?" Like Danzig? Like your sister?
"Of course not," he replied. "And ja, it could be worse. But I might as well be living with a stranger and not my only daughter." He looked at Lili and the hungry, longing look returned in full force. "I live for the weeks we're at World Meetings and you come to stay with us."
Lili's fear and annoyance started to fade. They stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and she reached up and cupped his face with her hands. "That's why I came," she whispered. "You needed me and I came." He nodded slightly; she knew how much it cost him to acknowledge this in public. "I needed to come too, Schatz," she continued. "I needed to see you and talk to you."
He leaned down and kissed her amongst the tourists and townspeople of Potsdam. "I think we're done with our errands," he murmured in her ear. "Let's go home before lunchtime, ja?"
Maria was still out, so they were able to go back to the bedroom and make love. This time, Gilbert was in charge, guiding Lili's energy with his kisses and caresses. She was grateful, and sank back onto the bed, enjoying the pleasure rippling through her body. When Gilbert looked at her with royal purple eyes, she felt strong and at peace, just as she felt him to be.
It was so pleasant to lie together, she thought, to hear him call her meine Dame and liebste Liebe and to believe it was completely true. Only when their daughter tromped through the rooms again, shouting, "I'm home for lunch now. Don't trouble yourselves!", did Lili feel guilty and remember the other reason why she came to visit. She got up, dressed, and went to the bathroom to tidy up. She could see Gilbert pout as she left, but she reminded him she would return.
When Lili entered the kitchen, Maria was busy making herself a sandwich. She looked down at her. "Muti, so good to see you! Let me make you some lunch; you look exhausted." Lili frowned at her daughter's sarcasm. The two worked side-by-side, cutting slices of bread and chicken.
"I'm glad to have a chance to talk to you, Maria," Lili said. "Whenever we have skyped, you've always seemed so preoccupied. You tell me you're doing well and I want to believe you. But then I hear how unhappy Vati is, and I wonder how things really are."
"What do you mean? I stay out of trouble, I do well in school." Maria shrugged, then turned to her mother. "What more does he want?"
Lili studied her daughter. Maria looked like a sixteen-year old mortal, a beautiful one. Thick, wavy amber hair floated down her shoulders and framed her oval face. She was tall and slender with broad shoulders and her bustline was a perfect medium. Her large amethyst eyes shone with curiosity.
"He wants to feel like you don't hate him," Lili finally murmured. She couldn't bring herself to say he wants to feel you love him in light of the last Maria he had loved. "He knows you are a good student and well-behaved, but he tells me how distant you are towards him and it hurts him."
To her surprise, Maria snorted. "I'm not a baby anymore, Muti. I learned about the Oedipus and Electra complexes in human psychology class this year. It would be creepy if I clung to him like I used to." She raised her eyebrow at Lili. "You wouldn't like it if I were all 'Ach, Vati, I'll always be your little girl' would you, Muti?"
Lili felt as if she were looking at a stranger, a beautiful young entity who seemed more cruel and worldly than she should. The knowing look in Maria's eye disturbed her. She looked down at the two sandwiches she had made and busied herself with useless garnishes on the plates. "Of course not, Maria," she managed to say, "And as long as Vati behaves appropriately—"
"What do you mean, appropriately, Muti?" Maria's tone was fake-innocent.
Lili had had it. She put both plates on the bed tray and looked at her daughter. "I mean you should start talking to your father with some kindness and gratitude for all he has done for you and not make him feel like you would rather be anywhere but here. And I want you to know this, Maria: if anyone hurts or mistreats you in any way, I will be the first to be at your side to defend you. But if I discover anything you say is false and it hurts the ones I love, I will also be the first to see you suffer the consequences of your actions. Do you understand me?"
For a second, she saw respect, even fear, in Maria's eyes. Then they settled back into their beautiful, inscrutable dark violet. Austria's eyes, Lili realized, and she knew how much he could hide. "Ja, Muti, I understand you." Her tone was meek, the ideal daughter's. "I'll eat in my room. I don't want to disturb your and Vati's conversation." She picked up her plate and glided out with a natural athlete's grace.
Lili was tempted to slam the plates on the ground in order to hear the satisfying crash of stoneware. But she remembered that this was her and Gilbert's lunch. She got two beers out and brought the tray into the bedroom. Gilbert winked as she approached. "You were right," she admitted as they ate, "she has grown more irritating." She tore into her sandwich. "Personally, I'd be glad if she didn't want to talk to me."
Gilbert raised an eyebrow; Lili noted how similar Maria's expressions were to his. "So what did she say to you?"
Lili concentrated on her sandwich. "It's not what she says as much as how she says it. The sarcasm!"
To her surprise, Gilbert chuckled. "That's what Friedrich der Groß used to do to drive his father crazy. His words were perfectly acceptable, but his delivery was full of sarcasm and contempt." He grew solemn. "It's only funny when you're not at the receiving end of it."
"Does she do this to you?" Lili demanded, as she set the tray aside.
"Nein," Gilbert sighed. "She talks to me as if she were an English princess talking to a footman. Perfectly polite and indifferent."
Lili paused. "Would you prefer if she were sarcastic to you?"
Gilbert shrugged. "At least I'd know she was pissed at me, that she felt something about me. The coldness and distance is worse."
Lili turned to study him. He looked resigned. "What is the worst thing you imagine doing to her?" she whispered, and when he turned to face her, she regretted her question.
"What do you mean?" Lili tried to look innocent as Gilbert thought of his answer. "I don't know, throwing her out and telling her she can live on her own if she can't stand my presence? Horse-whipping her? Why do you want to know, Lili?"
Lili thought about how to phrase her words. "If you ever feel like you are going to lose your temper or do something you regret, I want you to call or text me immediately. I will be here as soon as I can. She is my daughter as much as yours and you shouldn't be alone when you feel like that."
"You think I'm going to do something stupid? Do you know what would happen to me if I even shook her?" Gilbert sounded annoyed. "I'd have Ludwig and every other German state dogpiling me. Believe me, Lili, I can control myself. Besides," he grumbled, "she spends all her time outside or in her room, so it's not like we are in each other's faces all the time." He got up, stretched and got some clothes. "I'm taking a shower," he called over his shoulder.
Lili leaned back against the headboard, wondering if she had made things worse. Her wildest fears were gone, but now she felt bad about letting him know she had ever doubted his ability to behave. She got up and went into the living room, where Maria was watching a movie on the television. Her daughter looked up, her face in neutral."How long are you here for, Muti?"
Lili shrugged and sat down next to her. "The weekend. I may stay through Monday or Tuesday, unless my boss needs me back." She still had another thing to find out, but she was beginning to wonder if she should raise the issue with Gilbert. After all, they had gotten along well enough the past four years without her asking him about his sister. Maybe she shouldn't go looking to borrow trouble.
Gilbert joined them on the couch, and Lili observed him and Maria. He was right; Maria was polite to him, as if he were a distant relative. She didn't detect any sense of fear or anger on her part. When he joked about the movie or brought up other topics of conversation, Maria either ignored him or repeated, "Jawohl" or "Wirklich" as if she were dealing with an annoying uncle whom she couldn't be rude to.1 Mein Gott, Lili thought, to go from being an adored Vati to this every night; she began to understand the nature of his loneliness.
She decided they needed a real dinner and went into the kitchen to find some sausages, potatoes and cabbage. Maria sailed into the kitchen as she started to sauté some onions in a skillet. Lili asked if she would like to help, but Maria shook her head as she grabbed an apple and declared she would be in her room until dinner. By the time dinner was ready, Lili had shifted her mind to hostess mode; she would try to engage the others in polite dinner conversation, just as Austria had taught her. Gilbert happily played along, but Maria was like one of those guests who couldn't or wouldn't put any effort into table-talk. When she asked to be excused, Lili was glad to see her go to her room.
She and Gilbert did the dishes, laughing about how they were turning into Austria and Hungary. "Except we're awesomer, of course," he said with a wink. When they went to bed, Gilbert vented some more about Maria's behavior. Lili heard echoes of the past in his frustration. She turned to him.
"Gilbert, if your sister contacted you and said she wanted to be part of the family again, what would you do?"
He looked up at the ceiling before speaking. "First, I'd assume it was an imposter or joke. When Ivan claimed Königsberg, he wiped out her memory and renamed her Kaliningrad. She embraced it fully. So I just wouldn't believe it."
"But what if her memory returned?" Lili persisted. "Let's say her brain recovered from Ivan's operation or she got flashbacks. What if she called you and said she remembered and she wanted to apologize to you for being so cold all these years?"
Gilbert snorted. "Lili, we'd be better off wondering what I'd do if a Hohenzollern re-emerged and wanted to make me the Kingdom of Prussia again. Or if schleißlich Poland proposed marriage to our daughter. She's gone. I'm dead to her."
Lili paused, studying how resigned he looked. "Is she dead to you?"
Gilbert turned to look at her. "Lili, let's say that Vash never forgave you for being with me. Let's pretend that he never spoke to you, never invited you to his homes, never came to yours, and stopped spending holidays at Austria's because you were going to be there. Let's say that the few times you tried contacting him, he was hostile or never responded. And all you ever wanted was to tell him you're sorry and you want him to be back in your life, but he will never accept your apology. Tell me," his voice dropped to a whisper, "would he be dead to you?"
But I never had a sexual relationship with him, Lili wanted to retort, yet she stopped to consider the situation. She imagined the pain, frustration and sorrow she would feel, the sense of something unfinished and missing. With time and business, she could shove it out of her head most of the time, but memories, regrets, and wishes would still linger. "Nein," she whispered. "But he'd be a ghost."
Gilbert shrugged. "There it is, Lili." He shifted so he spooned her and she felt his lips plant kisses on her hair and neck. "Let's stay in the present, Lili," he whispered, "because the present is pretty damn awesome, ja?"
Lili nodded, staring off into the dark. Outside the cozy room, ghosts lurked, waiting for the living to let down their defenses, to emerge during moments of weakness and loneliness. She could invite them in or tell them to go away because he was hers now. "Ja," she murmured, kissing the hand that rested on her breast. "It is."
Well, what do you think of Lili's decision not to bring up Gilbert's past relationship with his sister? Smart or will it eventually cause more damage? And as to Maria, what did you think of that little exchange between her and Lili? Thanks for the reviews so far, faithful readers, and I hope to hear from you. Next week: POLAND!
1 German: Certainly, Really