Sometimes, Izuru Kira thinks Aizen and the winter war are his fault.
He can look back on himself and know that he was never an independent individual, at least not really. In the academy he may have boasted and acted tough, but deep down he knew it was just a mask to hide how uncomfortable he was and how he didn't fit in. He had looked for a crowd to blend in with, and it wasn't until Renji and Momo came along that he found it. He had proved just how not tough he was when he panicked as death stared them all in the face on the night they saved Shuuhei.
He had been fine with their actions up until that terrifying point because they were theirs together, as a whole. He could operate as a whole, as a part of something greater than himself. What he couldn't do was copy that eerie calm the other three had gotten has the hollows loomed before them in that horrifying darkness. He couldn't understand how they could accept what might have happened to them. He couldn't take it. So he broke down, and in part, chipped away part of what kept their group together.
When they were finally graduated, the Seireitei had just proved to be another group he would make himself fit in with. It was simple just doing as you were told, following orders like the good little soldiers they expected you to be. He could deal with that, was made for it even. It wasn't the same sort of group as he and Renji and Momo had though, so he could feel himself slipping away from them a little too, like he couldn't find true comradeship with the other drones. It just reminded him how out of place he really must be.
By now his fake arrogance had disappeared, and the cocky lift to his words had washed away in the face of nightmares that he hated remembering were real.
He was promoted after that, and he discovered how wonderful it was to follow a captain that you could devote yourself too. Over time he never had that feeling of slipping away, now bogged down with more responsibilities and the hope that his superior would acknowledge his work. It just gave him a reason to work even harder, basking in the feeling of finally finding his place in the world that he thought was only a fantasy.
When the first crack appeared in the mirage, he was hesitant to believe it. While he knew Momo was angry and hurt over the sudden brutality of her captain, he didn't feel the need to blame his own, no matter how cryptic is answers or how mysterious his actions. His loyalty to his captain was stronger than to his friends, and even as he realized it, he couldn't help but wonder why that was so.
Then he remembered how easy it was to slip away from his old group and how solid he felt in his new role now. It was enough to keep him on his captain's side, and it took Gin leaving for it to finally hit him that he was alone. That ideal place he had obtained in his mind shattered like the glass in the mirror he saw his empty eyes in everyday.
He was lost for a long time after that. He's still lost, in a way. He remembers the days when he was part of something, and those days outnumbered the ones where he wasn't. It's a little sad, because it says that he didn't really ever stand on his own two feet. He always let others think for him and went along with what they decided.
Most days, that's what has him so depressed. It's true that he feels abandoned in a way, as well as betrayed, but he can't help coming back to the thought that if he hadn't been so passive, maybe he could've protected himself and the others a little better. His ignorance and his delusion of a perfect world blinded him to what really was, and now they were all paying for it.
He wondered when he would start drifting away from this setting too. He should've known that before was too good to last, and some part of him was terrified that he would lose what he had now, all because he had grown to used to having others.
It was something Shuuhei had said to him once, as he had spilled his drunken woes at a party, that made him think. He had lamented about drifting away on them, that he would be lost in himself forever and end up walking away just as his former captain had.
Shuuhei had looked at him and said, "You're not walking away, you're just standin' up."
As he thought about it more, he realized that he wasn't abandoning his friends and comrades. He was still trying to run the third the best he could, going on his own suggestions and asking for help when he needed it. It sobered him a little, caused him to sit up straighter.
Could it be that he wasn't drifting away? Maybe he was learning how to stand after all, and that gave him more hope than anything else ever had.
.-.-.-.
It's been a long time. I don't really have an excuse or a good reason. Other than schoolwork and real work. And writing a bit of original work. But yeah, it will get done. There's only two left. I'm really trying to get back into the swing of writing. Wish I could skip sleep.