2025 Amy and Sheldon
After going to the police station with all the information nothing much happened. Two days passed since then and they still didn't go to work, but only stayed home in the old house searching the web for more possibilities, calling hotels, and trying not to freak out. They asked Bernadette and Howard whether they want to help but they were just devastated looking at Nick's browser history, so they decided they act on their own and not with them. Sheldon and Howard always had rocky relationship, but he was really afraid of losing him too now.
Sheldon stepped into the living room with these dark thoughts and the mail in his hand.
" Dory was a handful today really. I barely could make her get dressed. Then she wanted cookies for breakfast. " he said looking tired then hopped on the couch next to Amy. " I had to buy her cookies on our way. I know it's against our policies, but… Amy, are you listening to me?
Amy was curled up in the couch looking at the carpet.
" Sorry. I'm not. I…"
" Did anything happen? Any news? " he asked worried.
" No. Or at least not about Nick. I just read the news on my phone and I've read a story about a girl who got lost and found her body four years later in Mexico. She was stolen to be a slave. "
Sheldon shook his head and moved closer to her.
" Oh, Amy, you really shouldn't have read that. "
" I can't take this any longer. I really can't. " she said.
" You can and you will. I know. He'll come home. " he tried to convince her. It was a usual conversation lately between the two of them but now it seemed that it was not enough anymore.
" Don't say that! Don't say that ever again! How could you know? You keep repeating he'll come home but we don't know a thing about him. Don't you feel the same? Aren't you worried? Are you really an emotionless robot? " she bursted out.
" Amy…" Sheldon didn't know how to react to that.
" I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just feel I hit the bottom, and I wonder how can you still be so positive. " she asked finally.
Sheldon took a deep breath.
" I stay positive because I just can't deal with that. You know I can't. I have to believe strongly he'll come home or else I'm over. You are strong. You can face this. You can face what our options and chances are. Sure it hurts you but you can do that. You do that. I can't. " he explained.
" I'm kind of the opposite of strong right now…"
" You are strong. "
Amy shook her head with a painful look.
" Sometimes I think it would be better if he was dead. " She said quietly. " At least I would know about him. I would know that he is not suffering. It would be at least over. Sometimes I wish our son was dead! " She almost screamed that last sentence crying.
Sheldon didn't know what else to do so he hugged her tightly. She didn't pull away but clinged to him. He felt really sorry now for seeing how much pain she felt. As the crying calmed she continued.
" I don't really wish him dead. I'm scared whenever my phone rings that someone will call me that they found him dead somewhere. Because if he died then there's no chance… But then again this waiting is so unbearable that sometimes I feel like I don't care anymore, I just want it to be over. I think I'm a horrible person. "
Sheldon stroked her arm gently then let her go a little to look her in the eye.
" No. You're a normal person. You can feel things. And now you feel bad, but being able to feel is good. I know it, because you taught me how to feel anything at all. "
" I truly don't deserve you to treat me like this. " she shooked her head again.
" This is not about what we deserve. And for the record, you actually do. You deserve to be treated like this. Exactly like this. " he said quietly.
Amy shook her head then blew her nose out.
" Thanks."
" Are you feeling yourself better? "
" Yes, but I don't think I should. I kicked you out of our home. I kicked you out of our life and family. It was a selfish decision. I suffered in our relationship so I kicked you out. Of course I hoped that this will also help our children. That I can protect them this way from growing up in a bad marriage. But look how it worked."
" I don't blame you. When you announced that you want to divorce. When you slept with me and kicked me out. When we found out how Nick was bullied. I blamed you then. But I was just angry and I was also wrong. " he admitted.
" I don't blame you either, if that helps you " she said.
" You actually could blame me. I was being really unfair with you for years. It was a logical reaction that you wanted to get separated from me. I am the reason of all this. " he finally said out loud.
" Well, I would lie if I said that this wasn't the thing I've always wanted to hear, but for now let's agree, that we did this together. "
Sheldon shook his head. "No... "
" Sheldon, I guess we had more than enough self pity for today. " she answered.
" Okay. But now what? I don't know what else is there to do. We called everyone and we gathered all the information. It still is a mess. We agreed that he knew that we will be trying to find him and he was searching for false information he didn't even needed. Or he planned to arrive home only as a bearded man after travelling all over the world. "
" Yeah…" she agreed but she was staring into the distance.
" He is so smart. Our genetics are fascinating."
" But maybe… We are even smarter. " she said.
" Apparently we are not. " he argued.
" Sheldon, you said that we gathered information but it's a mess. It's full of useless data and it's not sorted or put into a logical order. " she was now talking fast. Sheldon still didn't get that.
" It is. We tried to find some reason in it, both of us, but we couldn't. "
" Yes, because we did that wrong. We were thinking like regular persons. Come on, we were just trying to connect dots on a map. That's for amateurs. But we are not regular people nor is he. Think about it! Sorting out useless data and make order and find reason in a big pile of information… This all sounds like something we're both good at. It is science and we should use the proper methods to find any actual results. You were right the first time when you wanted to check his computer. It's a mathematical probability problem, but when we saw how complicated that was, and Nick could be anywhere, we got scared. When people get scared they usually stop using their frontal lobe and switch back to the primal, emotional working of the limbic system. That happened to us. " She was smiling now widely. And she was so damn right.
" Amy, you still never fail to amaze me. We can do this. "
" If we can't, no one can. We need a good statistical program. And whiteboards. We are going to find a pattern if we analyize all the data properly. "
Amy and Sheldon kept working until three a.m, when Amy talked Sheldon into some hours of sleepimg. They spent the nights in the same bed with Amy but they were barely touching each other, mostly accidentally. He enjoyed this actually. He would like to hug her or spoon her but after many sleepless and lonely nights it was good enough to see her, sense her smell, hear her breathing, so he decided not to force anything. After hawing a shower and changing into he pijamas he just laid down. He was tired, but still really awake.
" Thanks for staying here. Again. " she said while cleaning her glasses sitting on the bed.
" You're welcome. " he answered.
" It's just… I'm so pathetic, that I can't even sleep alone. "
" Well, Nick's missing, so I get it. But I know you can sleep alone. Actually you've been sleeping alone for a while now before all this happened…
Amy sat up and shook her head. Sheldon was looking at her curioiusly.
" Actually I wasn't. " she confessed.
Sheldon felt like one of his nightmares coming to life.
" So were you dating anyone? "
" No. I was sleeping with Nick. I know it was not healty emotionally for neither of us and I never asked him to come here. He was just having nightmares, sometimes enuresis nocturna and after he woke up at night, he just came in here. Than he didn't even tried to fall asleep in his room, he waited until I fell asleep and climbed into my bed, and after I realised that's what he does, he stopped waiting for me to fall asleep and just waited for your goodnight kiss, while you still lived here and then came here. I'm sorry. I should have told you, or I should have talked to him, or at least try, but I didn't because I just couldn't send him away. And not just because of him, but because it felt good, he was warm and soft and made me feel that I'm needed. I'm really sorry. "
Sheldon decided to make her feel better it was time to share his insecurities.
" Well, on the weekends when the kids were with me, I had no idea how to handle them or what to do in the weekends at all. We had a routine as a family and I always thought I get along with them well, but as a father only for the weekends I was clueless. So I tried to find some programs and I took them out mostly, but it was just chaotic. They were more tired after the weekend than before. We just hang out at malls and stores and Disneyland and ate a lot of junk food and I let them stay up all night watch TV shows. And it was mainly because I wanted to show them that I was a better parent than you, and I wanted them to want to stay with me all the time… Needless to stay it really didn't work out that way. I should have told you. " He was really ashamed. All this lead to the situation that Nick is missing. But Amy didn't seem mad. She started talking again.
" A couple of times when Nick got into trouble at school I haven't told you. I was covering for my eight year son from his father because I wanted to be the only competent parent and I wanted him to like me more. I was doing this even when we were officially still together. " she sighed deeply.
Sheldon was actually suspecting this. It was weird, in any other time he would have yelled at her all about this and then would have left her alone and would have avoided her for maybe days, but now he felt the urge to gently touch her shoulder only and share his stories.
" Dory had a horrible food poisoning about a month ago. We ate leftover pizza that day. And it was all over the place. I freaked out so much, you know I'm trying hard, but puking and pooping are really not my thing. And I was really worried about her and I thought I should call you, but then I would have had to admit that I can't handle the kids… Anyway I freaked out so much that I didn't do anything and Nick had to take care of Dory. I felt so ashamed, that I forbade them to tell this to you. I told them that if they want to see me ever again they better don't say a word to you. " He was staring at the sheets the whole time, so now after finished talking, he looked into Amy's eyes. She was sitting with her legs pulled up to her body
" Well, we suck." she stated.
" Maybe in the first place we never should have had kids…" he said.
" Yeah… Maybe. But I do love them. And they are amazing, both of them. So smart so full of heart… I'm sure the world, not just ours but the whole world would be a lesser place without them, and not just in the future when they'll become inventors or scientists or leaders, but even right now. "
"Yeah, but they'd deserve far better parents than us. It's really unfair actually. But I don't think there's anything we could do." he felt hopeless.
" I strongly disagree with you. I mean your statements were true, still your deduction is wrong. They do deserve better parents than us right now and it is unfair, but we are their parents, even if we are not good at it. So there's actually plenty we can do. We should try to become the parents they deserve. "
Sheldon was thinking about it.
" What if we'll fail again? " he asked after a long pause.
" We'll try again. " she answered. She sounded determined.
" Together? " he asked. Saying it out loud there, waiting for Amy to answer he felt his heart beating fast. He slowly realised that this simple question was maybe the most important one of all the questions he ever searched for an answer for, and it was full of insecurities and full of desire not to be all alone. Still, she wasn't answering immediately. He thought that she may interpret it as a question about their marriage's future and he should have added an explanation, but this one word was so strong and said actually more than an other thousand ones, so he just let that sink.
After seconds or maybe even minutes she looked him in the eye. " Yes, together. " she said finally. She didn't add any explanation either, because even if it could have mean a lot of different outcomes considering their situation, it was just enough.
Thair hands met halfway between them on the sheet holding on to each other tightly.
2025 Nick
Debbie and I arrive to New York after more than a week of travelling. I've always wanted to visit this one, so I decide we'll may stay here for a while. I easily find a hotel where I can book a room online and can pay with an online account to where I uploaded the money earlier. The best thing is that there is no reception at the late hours at all, a machine gives us the keys and everything. I'm sure there are security cameras, but I hope nobody is watching them. We spend the first night having a good long shower and then sleeping. Debbie is at first a little disgusted that we have to sleep in the same bed, but hey, money is not endless, and she changes her mind easily when I offer her that she may should sleep on the floor. The bed is a dream come true after sleeping so many nights on buses, so we both fell asleep easily.
When I wake up for a moment I feel like I'm in my room, but then I hear the traffic noises, which are so much louder than in South Pasadena. The hotel is big enough that going out no one seems to notice us. I talk Debbie into some sightseeing, and now she is in a far better mood, especially after I buy her doughnuts for breakfast. We just walk on the streets then get lucky at the Empire State Building, as there's a group of children circa our age there on a field trip with school and everyone thinks we're part of the group, so we get in there without questions and for free. It's still really cold outside, but we eat hot dogs for lunch in the Central Park. I've found a lot more cool programs than the usual sights, but I want Debbie to have at least a little fun.
In the afternoon as we ealk in the park, even the sun shines for an hour so when everything goes wrong it happens really suddenly. Debbie and I are arguing where to go at first, as she really wants to go ice skating, and I clearly don't. I only had one try at that, and I didn't even stop until arriving to the hospital where the x-ray confirmed that I broke my arm. She knows that story and still insists.
" Please Nick, I've gone all the way here, maybe I can also want something. For once. " she begs.
" Debbie, I told you, that's stupid. "
" Do not dare to call me stupid! " she says proudly.
" If you're acting stupid I'll be calling you stupid. And for the record I only said your idea is stupid. " I say and I want to end this fight, but she doesn't.
" Stop saying this word! You think you're better than all of us. You're not. "
" I brought you to New York. I am a genious. " I say. I try to be funny, but I can see she is angry with me again.
" And what then? If you keep making these decisions you'll also be alone. And not just in school. "
" I'm already alone if you wouldn't notice. Do you see any friends here? Or family?. " I ask being sarcastic.
" You are really annoying. You always blame me and make me the reason that you don't have friends, but you just can't be friendly at all. "
" Maybe I just don't want to be friendly with you after what you've done to me. " How does she dare to warn me I'll be alone. She made sure I'm alone for years.
" I said I'm sorry. " she said.
" I know, but guess what? It was not enough! " Now I'm angry.
" Nothing is ever good enough for you. You are thinking you're a tragic little hero, and you are just spoiled and unable to make friends. "
" And you are just mean. You have nothing else interesting about you than being mean. That's the only way you'll ever make friends. The only thing you'll ever excell. "
She stops and looks me into the eye. Hers are filled with tears but instead starting to really cry she smiles with her unevitable evil smile.
" Maybe it is. But at least my parents didn't divorce because they couldn't solve my school problems. "
This is the point where I can't think anymore and she experienced this many times before as an eye-witness, still she said what she said, so I hit her. My hand smacks on her shoulder which makes her loose her balance and fells to the ground. I'm still mad at her so I kick towards her but now she is faster and kicks my ankle. It actually hurts, she is stronger than I've thought. I want to answer to her attack but before I could she stands up and runs away. I run after her but she is far better at athletics than I am, so I don't reach her. At first I yell after her angrily as I run and I feel like I still want to hit her, but then I start to get scared. What if I loose her from the eyesight. I happen to stay right behind her, but soon she reaches the end of the park and she blends in with the crowd literally in a second. I still yell her name, but now I don't want to get anymore attention, I can see people with concerned faces looking at me, as they only see a kid barely catching a breath yelling a girl's name. After another half an hour of running around then going back to the place where we fought I have to admit the only thing I really don't want to. I lost Debbie.
I know, long pause, I'm sorry, I hope I still have readers, I will definitely finish this story, and I don't want to make promises I can't keep, but it's really almost fully written.