There's a four-year time jump here. This story would be way too long otherwise and I already think its too long LOL.

/

"Please come now I think I'm falling,
I'm holding on to all I think is safe.
It seems I found the road to nowhere,
And I'm trying to escape.

One Last Breath by Creed

/

Four years had passed since Mac made that crazy drive to California for the first time, life went on as normal, and his mother went into remission. Since then there had been many more fights with Lucy and many trips back and forth from Utah to California. Lucy started college in Los Angeles and still came to visit with her mother every summer. Walter was still aware of the change that came over his son every June and still got the best work out of him then. As long as nothing changed Walter was satisfied, he was better in the winter too most of the time, Walter had no complaints. If Mac mad the effort to stay off the crank he was a different person, that was just a fact.

It had been four years since he killed someone, that last girl he strangled in the canyon, and the experiment was on. Mac was trying to see if he was truly evil or just mad impulsive. The thoughts were there still, they were a part of him and he struggled not to act upon them sometimes. But in his mind that was a success, it had become too easy to kill and he went into remission too.

It was the movie he saw that tipped him over the edge, the one where the killer asked, "If I am capable of good, am I capable of evil too?" He had never seen The Vanishing before, but it was on one night and he was bored, so he watched. After, it gave him so much to think about, was he capable of good then? Because he was capable of great evil. Was he capable of stopping?

Could he do it for her? For himself?

Watching that movie had changed his life, and he had watched it with Lucy too and after it was over they talked about it, just like they talked about everything; it was the main character's unwavering search to know what happened to his girl that fascinated Mac. They talked about good and evil and the world they lived in. Mac would always warn her about the tricks men used, like the fellow in the movie, to get the girl to go with him.

They spent long nights at the kitchen table smoking and drinking, discussing all manner of things, and she knew that movie had a profound effect on him. She thought it was because he was afraid one day she would vanish from his life and part of that was true. She also knew like the man in the movie, that Mac would look for her forever if something happened like that.

The movie also made him think about who he really was. Was it all as simple as making a decision for good or evil?

There's was still some talk among their group of friends sometimes, not often though because Mac and Lucy did not act like a couple in public, ever. Lucy hung around with the girls in town and they treated her like a friend, but Carolina was the only one who truly liked Lucy. She liked her so much that she hadn't slept with Mac again after that time on Valentine's day years before when he had called her Lucy by mistake.

It wasn't just the trips back and forth to California that was a tell for some people, it was the way they behaved with each other and in their eyes; his eyes followed her wherever she went and her eyes followed him in kind. It was something that couldn't be hidden if you looked close enough. They never touched each other in front of anyone, but they didn't have to, their fierce loyalty and their eyes gave it away every time.

Eventually, people just stopped wondering about it, most of the time she was at school, and when she wasn't around Mac still acted like a free man. If Lucy knew and if she was mad about it, she kept it to herself. Nothing had changed really, except now Carolina wouldn't go out with him anymore.

That was OK, there were plenty of others who would.

/

June finally came, Lucy finished her finals and drove east with her mother with her usual excitement. She was back, but he had started a downward spiral in July that wouldn't stop until almost the end of August that year. Not only didn't anyone wonder about them that summer, but they were never together. Mac made excuses not to be home and Lucy spent more time with the girls around town, the ones that liked her and the ones that didn't. She even spent some nights at Carolina's house, which was unusual for her. Mac had totally pulled away from her and even though she knew it had nothing to do with her and wasn't about some other girl, it still hurt.

It was like he didn't care about her at all anymore and she knew he was getting high every day. It was pretty obvious he was sampling Walter's meth too and Lucy didn't know how to help him. She was way too young to know that he wasn't her responsibility, to her he was, he was her blood and her love.

/

Martin saw her sitting at the bar before she saw him and he licked his lips just as Walter raised the bat to let him know he saw what he was doing. That boy was always up to no good and looking for trouble, but a good worker; you had to take the good with the bad. Lucy had been at the bar all afternoon and now this douche bag had to show up. With "The Persuader" at the ready Walter prepared in case his son showed up and the shit hit the fan.

Martin liked to think that he himself wouldn't fuck his own cousin but pussy was pussy, that was a fact. There were no morals where pussy was involved and he would if the cousin was as good looking as her. But there was more to it, all their lives he and Mac and Marco shared girls.

Martin got that part, if Lucy was his cousin he supposed he'd fuck her too. But Mac wouldn't share and they always shared, so when he came upon Lucy alone that night, without her self-appointed protector; he couldn't resist. Mac was gonna share his toy whether he wanted to or not tonight.

Lucy was twenty by this time, fully grown and a beautiful woman, not the gawky kid she used to be. She had completed two years of college in California and was spending the summer again. Mac had disappeared two days before and even Walter didn't know where he was, Walter almost always knew where to find him.

Now she was pissed off, he had left in the middle of the night and hadn't said a word about where he was going, not that he owed her an explanation, but it was fucking rude. He hadn't been back in days and she and Carolina decided to go out that Saturday just for something different to do. It was mid-August and hotter than hell, the sweat rolled off you from the minute you moved and there was no relief in sight for days, when the rain would finally come. Until then, people were trying to stay cool and stay loaded. The desert was heavy and there was anger in the heat of summer sometimes.

She sat down at the bar, now that she was of age and insisted her uncle keep pouring her shots of Southern Comfort. Both Rosie and Walter knew this was going to be bad, they watched as Martin slithered in next to her at the bar and she was happy to see him. Even Walter knew that Lucy couldn't stand him, she must have been hammered already to welcome him that way; this was not good at all. Martin slid one arm around Lucy and one around Carolina and settled in for the night.

Three drinks later and they were dancing, Walter made sure "The Persuader" was still close at hand because he just had a feeling it was going down tonight. If Mac showed up now there was going to be so much fucking trouble, Martin had his hands on her ass. Lucy pushed his hands away, and he just put them right back; if Mac saw that Walter knew it would get ugly, and he wouldn't blame Mac, Martin was acting like a scumbag.

"Because the Night" was playing on the Jukebox when Mac walked in half hammered himself and saw Martin leading Lucy around the dance floor as if she belonged to him. It had been a rough two days and he was there to cop and go home, when he saw her he slapped his hand down on the nearest chair and squeezed hard to try and diffuse the rage that boiled up inside him.

"Because the night belongs to lovers, because the night belongs to us..." Blared through the jukebox as he looked at them. This summer had been bad for him, he hadn't been good to her at all, but did he deserve this?

What the fuck?

He was between them in a second and staring eye to eye with Martin. He had just come down from a binge and was feeling nasty, his intention to cop from Walter and head home to her was out of his mind now. He didn't know who he was more angry with, her or him, and who he was going to deal with first.

"What are you the jackass whisperer now Lucy?" But his eyes never left the other man's.

"Just having some fun for once," Lucy said bitterly.

"Why so concerned with who your cousin dances with Mac?" Martin said with a sneer and to his credit Mac ignored it.

"Fuck off Martin," He grabbed her hand and pulled her to him and started dancing with her, he held her by the small of her back and pressed against her, letting Martin and the whole fucking bar see the way he danced with her, "What's your problem. What the fuck do you think you're doing ?"

"I don't have any problem cousin, seems like you do."

"Yeah, you're right. I got a problem," He hissed and pulled her closer, letting her feel him against her.

"Care to share?"

He didn't answer right away so Lucy kept going.

"Where have you been," She asked as he led her around the dance floor and touched her obscenely in front of everyone there.

"None of your business, Luce."

"It's OK for you to bang who you want all year, but I can't even dance with someone?" She hissed back at him.

"No, ya can't."

"Fuck that, Mac!," She said trying to get out of his grip, she was trying to understand what he was going through but he was being such a prick, as usual, by going out and using and not talking to her, "Where have you been for three days?"

Mac set his eyes on her as they moved around the dance floor as if she had no right to ask him to account for his time. She understood he was upset, that he was going through something, but she also realized he was using more than pot now. She knew with 100% certainty that it was crank, it smelled different, he smelled different. His temper was like a switch, turned on and off depending on his mood and most of the time it was bad that summer.

"Out," He replied.

"Look I know it's been rough, I get it," Lucy persisted,"But that's not good enough anymore, you've been a real dick"

"Surprise Lucy, I am a dick," He stopped dancing with her and led her down the back hall to Walter's office after the song was over, " And I told you never be alone with him!"

Walter watched as he threw open the door and pulled her inside. "Fist full of Love." was on the jukebox now and they could hear it playing from down the hall as he slammed the door so hard it rattled. Usually Walter didn't want anyone in his office but, he knew whatever was going to happen couldn't happen in front of all the Saturday regulars, so he let it go.

"I wasn't alone, there's a bar full of people here!"

"You fucking know what I meant!" He yelled.

"Keep it down, one of your whores might be around," Lucy said, "Let's not blow our cover...ruin your good time."

"We live together in a photograph of time,
I look into your eyes.
And the seas open up to me,
I tell you I love you.
And I always will.
And I know that you can't tell me,
So I'm left to pick up.
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion."

"I never hid a thing from you, so don't start getting all pissy on me now." He stalked towards her, the anger was radiating off of him the way it had been the day he chased her to California. Then it occurred to him that he had hidden things from her, but he was too far into this fight now, he had a point to prove with her, "You knew what this was, I never lied to you." About that anyway.

"Yeah, I did know exactly what it was and now I'm done with... this." She waved her hand around and turned to walk away; Mac grabbed her hard by the shoulder and yanked her back until she was against his chest. She could feel the scruff of his beard on her neck and his breath on her skin.

"You're always done with me but I ain't done with you ." He growled into her ear and wrapped his arm around her neck from behind and brought the other hand down over her breast, "We'll never be done...cousin."

"I feel your fists,
And I know it's out of love.
And I feel the whip,
And I know it's out of love.
I feel your burning eyes burning holes,
Straight through my heart.
It's out of love."

Lucy pulled away from him, turned to leave and felt a crack across her cheek as Mac slapped her and she was momentarily stunned. They stared at each other for a second, both of them not believing what he had done. Then she cranked her arm back and walloped him right in the face.

They stared at each other for a beat and at their hands that they had just put on each other. They hadn't fought physically since they were little kids and for a moment she was almost afraid of him, really afraid. Her face hurt where he had hit her and she had split his lip, she watched as he brought his hand up to wipe the blood away, then sucked it off his hand.

Then he looked straight at her and she sucked in her breath. She knew he was hurting, he hadn't slept in days obviously, and he looked like hell. He looked so lost and confused at that moment that she wanted to put her arms around him. She was smart enough to know that wasn't a normal reaction to a man hitting you, but Lucy was unable to shake that desire to comfort him.

"Give me a fist full of love, give me a little fist full of love, fist, fist, fists full of love."

This would end up one of two ways, thankfully she saw that familiar fire pass through his eyes and Mac was on her in a flash, pressing his entire body against her and assaulting her mouth with his. He needed this, needed her and she would never say no to him, even if she was afraid. He wrapped his arms around her and his hands reached down over her ass and around between her legs.

"This is mine, all mine, anyone touches you again, for any god damn reason and I'll kill you both, you understand?"

Lucy nodded, genuinely scared not to agree as he sat her up on Walter's desk and came eye to eye with her. His eyes were so bright even with all the exhaustion or the drugs and she loved him then, no matter what.

"I fuckin love you." He whispered.

He kissed her again, biting her bottom lip and pulling it into his mouth and she dug her hands into his hair, grateful that they weren't beating the shit out of each other. For a moment it had looked like it would go that way.

"Give me a sweet little fist full of love."

"Stay here. I want you in my bed, full time, move here." He moved his lips down her neck, sucking and biting, "Live with me, go to college here, or do it online like you were talking about. Fuck em all, of them, let them think what they want." He pulled her close to him, "Be all mine, Carina."

She hugged him tight, "I'm sorry about your Mom, I'm so sorry Mac," She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him closer into her arms, "I won't leave you, you know I'll never leave you."

/

That summer she didn't go home, she always had a room in Mac's small house since she was a kid, but now he lived alone. His mother passed away in June, she had made it four years, but they were hard years. It happened just after Lucy and her mother came for the annual visit and it had sent him on one long bender that summer over it.

His mother had left him the house, so, once her mother went home in August, Lucy just moved into his room.

In September Mac drove her back to California to get her things and faced her mother like a man. Lucy made up some story about fieldwork in the canyon, which eventually she would have to do for her degree in organic chemistry, but that was years away.

What her mother didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

She registered for online classes and carried a full course load, in addition to working most nights at the bar for Walter. Mac didn't like that one bit, but Walter paid her well and she had big plans for her future, their future. They fought over that and many other things, but especially Lucy's job at the Luna Mesa, sometimes it got physical now, but Lucy gave as good as she got.

"God Luce. You're my only family now." He would say as they lay out in the hammock in the backyard at night together the way they had done the night he found out his mother was dying. It was quiet and clear at night, and it was here they planned a future together, counted the stars and talked for hours.

"Walter...too," Lucy answered.

"He uses me, you don't think I know that." Mac answered, "He ain't ever been a father."

"Then I'm your family, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Ever think about what life would be like if we weren't like this?"

"What do you mean?" She turned to look at him.

"Like if you had stayed at college...If we never started this."

"No, I don't ever think about that," Lucy shook her head, "I can't imagine my life without you, you've always been the most important person in my life."

"I think sometimes, I shouldn't have..."

"Hey," She took hold of his hand and pulled his arms around herself, "I chose you, I choose you, every day, I choose you."

They were at an impasse of sorts, with her in town full time, and both their jobs, neither of them had much free time. For the first time in their history, Mac wasn't fucking anyone but her.

He was also home at night with her and sober, most of the time and life was sweet for a while.