Fraught with Frustration
Lily finished her work directly and gave her excuses to Madame Pomfrey, who let her go with only a little bit of reluctance.
Once out of the wing Lily said, "Wait up, this isn't going to work. I can't see you and I can only sort of guess where you are. Unless you guide me by the shoulders or something..."
In a second James reappeared to her left, as she knew he must have been, and he sloppily flung the cloak over her, and continued walking. She took a moment took to straighten it before following him. Students were scattered throughout the hallways so she didn't dare call out for him to wait. She simply did the best she could to keep him in sight as she weaved, dodging through them. Finally, she managed to close the distance between them at the top of the forth floor staircase and she took his elbow. James looked around suddenly, looking horrified, but then seeing that no one was there, his face relaxed.
x
For a startled moment, James had thought that a student had linked arms with him as he was walking, he wouldn't put it past a few bolder female students (for such things had happened before)... but when he realised it was only an invisible Lily, he loosened up.
"It's just me," she whispered.
"I know."
"I have to be back before midnight..."
"I know."
"So, we only have a few hours to..."
"I know!" James shouted. This apparently random outburst drew several curious stares and whispered remarks from the students who witnessed it. James's brow furrowed in annoyance and walked on as he hissed under his breath, "Making me look like a fool, shouting at no one and talking to myself..."
Lily, still feeling generous, decided not to point out that it wasn't her fault he couldn't control his temper, instead she replied demurely, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to provoke you." Then added in an even softer voice "I just can't seem to think about time... and how much I might have left..."
To an outside observer, it would have appeared as if Professor Potter had stopped walking, and crossed his arms over his chest to think deeply about something. But, like most things in the Hogwarts Castle, it wasn't as it appeared to be.
The fabric was cool, and it separated the two hands from touching skin to skin, but Lily could still feel his warmth as his fingers closed around hers comfortingly. They stood that way for a while, ignoring people who looked at the Professor askance as he just stood in the corridor with his arms crossed like some austere hall monitor.
Nothing could be said, so they remained silent even after they started walking again. James kept his hand over Lily's. Lily knew that he wouldn't have done that had she not been under the cloak. The cloak, or being invisible rather, seemed to hide actions, rendered them null and void, erased them. If it happened under the cloak then it didn't count... This seemed in keeping with a few other times as well. James only seemed to touch her when no one could see him do it, either when he or she was under the cloak. The other day when he had been trying to 'keep her warm'C, and that time when she had been standing in front of him in nothing but her underwear... and he had grazed her skin so lightly she could have imagined it if it hadn't been for the visible proof that her bra strap slipped back onto her shoulder...
Lily shivered (not unpleasantly) at the thought. She didn't know what that shudder had conveyed to James, but he unlinked her arm from his, but took up her hand instead. Still that material separated them. They weren't holding hands; they were holding the same area of invisible material. It felt like silk, not like the rough palm and fingers she knew it would have felt like. Still, the gesture wasn't lost on her. Quite the contrary...
Once in the passageway James pinched the material between her fingers and slid the cloak off of her, holding only the cloak... not her hand. They weren't touching anymore. The phantom handholding instantly ended and was forgotten. A strange part of her wanted to put that cloak back on and hug him tightly. No. She wanted him to hug her tightly... there was a difference. She shook herself. Now was not the time to get soft. Softness led to weakness, and right now she wanted to be strong. She wanted laughter and courage... two things she knew for certain James Potter had in spades.
"James?" she asked as she followed him down one of the more spacious secret passages out of the castle. He turned to her, his wand tip lighting the area around them, casting strange shadows across his strong face.
"Yes?" he asked with a soft carefulness and eyes full of concern... Lily would have appreciated it had she not already stiffened her resolve. There was nothing but determined fire in her now.
"Can we have a duel?" she asked impulsively. She could have laughed at the expression on James's face. Clearly that was not what he had expected to hear.
"A... a..." he swallowed, as if he had choked in the attempt to say the word, but he sputtered it out eventually, "Duel?"
"Yes... to release this pent up tension. I just... feel like a good... fight." She bared her teeth, though it wasn't a smile, not a congenial one at any rate...
"Um..." In the odd shadowy light Lily Evans looked almost... evil.
"I'm not going to attack you right now..." she said, her voice changing from bellicose to benign. This far from reassured him, for there was a suspect predatory sheen that lingered in her eyes.
"We can in Hogsmeade, I suppose..." he said uncertainly, not exactly wanting to, but unable to deny the girl anything she wanted. James startled at this realisation. It was a weakness he hoped she and Sirius... especially Sirius... never discovered.
"Good..." she purred, looking pleased. Too pleased. James didn't like the way her eyes flickered like that, but after a moment of considering those needy orbs, realised that he did. Something clicked in his brain and he grinned to himself. 'Let her do all the underhanded magic she wants...' He thought wickedly, 'because I won't let her off with just 10 points from Gryffindor this time...'
Even though the passage was roomier than most, the air seemed very close, and James was aware of every centimetre of space between them. Any space at all was too much, he couldn't help but thinking. She had said she wouldn't do anything until they arrived in Hogsmeade but he wouldn't mind if she pounced on him now. His muscles were tense and ready for an attack he knew wouldn't come. Still, alone in this passage where no one could see or discover them... the thought was so enticing, appealing, seductive... And to think, only last night she had been in his bed and he hadn't done anything! He had wasted a perfect opportunity... a mistake he didn't plan on making again...
The passage grew hotter and closer and James loosened his tie to get some air. 'Calm down,' he told himself, 'she asked for a duel not for... anything else.'
He felt like an irrepressible pervert. He was a terrible professor. If Dumbledore, or any of the professors, knew what had been going through his mind just then, he would be sacked instantaneously. Teachers are there to instruct their pupils... not hunt them. And to heighten his hypocrisy, he knew that if any of the other teachers were to think about her in that rude way he, and perhaps he'd let Hagrid join as well, would thoroughly enjoy hexing him so entirely that by the time they were through with him he wouldn't know his nose from his knees.
And yet! He knew several of his female students that were doing their best to attract him. They were clumsy and obvious in their advances. Yet Lily didn't advance upon at all. She didn't even try to get his attention.
'No wonder,' he thought, 'she already has it, undivided.' He wondered what it would be like if she tried to seduce him. He imagined Lily batting her eyelashes at him like so many of his other students and found it wasn't as appealing an image as he had expected it would be. Lily wasn't the type. She didn't need to bat her eyelashes or rouge her lips. She was magnetic even without them. Besides, lipstick rubs off when you...
...If he had been watching where he was going instead of exploring ideas that he shouldn't have been, he would have seen the steps instead of tripping over them, and he wouldn't have hit his head on the lowered ceiling that indicated the end of the tunnel.
"Damn," he said. He felt like a bloody idiot, having made a fool of himself in front of her. In order to save face he added, "Every bloody time!" In hopes of conveying the impression he always hit is head in this passage, and it wasn't because his head had been too full of inappropriate thoughts (of her) to look where he was going.
Lily changed her laughter into coughing quickly after he rounded angrily on her, but not quickly enough. He still caught it. She forced the smile off her face.
"Are we there yet?" she asked.
"Nearly..." he said grumpily as he started to turn back around.
"Wait," she said, grabbing his arm and turning him to face her again. She stood there, looking into his face for a moment; and James stopped breathing...
'Pounce... pounce!' he thought furiously at her. She had stopped him from leaving the passage, turned him to face her, and now she was on tip toe, her face leaning in towards his... Yes, finally! Surely now she is going to...
"Your forehead is bleeding," she said calmly, taking his head between her hands and bringing it lower so she could see the cut better. She didn't use her wand, but James felt the cut close up under Lily's intent stare. She conjured a damp cloth and wiped away the bloody smears. She stood on tip toe and kissed his forehead, as she had done in the past with his other various minor (and sometimes spurious) injuries.
With another silent spell the cloth vanished and she asked, "shall we continue?"
James seemed to have lost his voice. Try as he might to get a word out, it kept sticking in his throat, as if some large object were lodged there, impeding any speech that might try to get by. He only managed to swallow a few times and nod before turning away from her and making a slightly hasty retreat out of the passage. Lily was close at his heels. Too close. A moment ago he had thought she was too far away, and now she was much too close, yet the actual distance was quite the same.
In any other circumstances he would have enjoyed her caring ministrations, but right at that moment, when he had been hoping for so much more, he couldn't help but feel frustrated... almost angry with the girl for teasing him. 'Yet,' he thought fairly, 'she didn't lead you on, you did that yourself...'
He was more than ready for a duel now... Lily wasn't the only one who could use a nice vent for frustration just then...
Both student and teacher were grateful to be out of the passage. The cold air did wonders for cooling James's head if not other areas...
"En guard then?" Lily asked, pulling out her wand.
"No," James said firmly, taking the wand out of her hand and putting it back in her pocket. "First things first. I'm showing you all the secret passages, which is the whole reason for our being here..." he said with satisfaction. If he was going to be frustrated, so should she be, although he imagined (regrettably) that they were very different kinds of frustration. Nevertheless, he was pleased at his own antics. He wasn't going to deny her what she wanted; he was just making her wait for it.
Lily could have started shaking with the pent up tension. She still hadn't forgotten about the tenderness beneath the cloak... SinceC he wouldn't hold her, he should at least have the decency to hex her! That's all she wanted; just a good fight to drain everything from her, to be emptied out of all feeling and emotion. To be utterly exhausted and spent so she didn't have the energy to do anything more than sleep, not even think... perhaps especially not even think.
"Just for a little while?" she begged.
"Business before pleasure, my dear..." he said infuriatingly. And yet... she couldn't be that angry with a man who was smiling so tauntingly at her. He knew full well what he was doing; the brute, holding the cookie out in front of her but not letting her have it. He was taking pleasure in frustrating her. She had to give it to him though, he was doing an excellent job of it. She would have been angry with him had she not admired it so much.
"Very well, Potter," she said simply. She had only spoken three words, but somehow she had said in a way that left no doubt in James's mind that it was a warning. As if she had said 'Very well, have it your way now, for I will certainly be having it my way later... and then you will surely be sorry.'
James smirked, but didn't respond. "As you can see we exited through a trapdoor here concealed in the hillside. The village is just through those trees," he said (needlessly, for it was obvious by all the lights and sounds) and started walking in that direction. Lily followed, and wondered what might happen if she simply attacked him now. But no, that was bad form; never attack when your opponent's back is turned...
Surprisingly, the passages to enter the castle from Hogsmeade weren't as complicated as the ones to get into the village from Hogwarts. There were no passwords, nor was it necessary to tap any of them. It gave Lily the impression that they were more concerned with keeping students in, rather than keeping others out. One could easily sneak into Hogwarts undetected if they knew the entrance to one of the passages... A worrying thought if one imagined a Death Eater sneaking into Honeydukes... slightly humorous, but mostly worrying. She shared this concern with James.
"Believe me, I've thought of that, and there is no telling how many people know about the passages. The only people I know are aware of them are the marauders. And now you, of course..." he added, gesturing to her. "Unfortunately there isn't much that can be done about it. Nothing that I can think of anyway... You can't put a password on them unless you created the passage, so we can't block it from the other side. My theory is that since Hogsmeade didn't exist when Hogwarts and its passages (The Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack excluded) were constructed, or, not as it is now. The passages were only meant as a means of escape, like most castles had in those times. Oh, watch your step. Alright there? Good. As I was saying, the Hogsmeade we know now was built several hundred years later, and they placed building on or near several of the passages. I'm sure at the time, they knew that those passages existed, but I think they've been forgotten now. I know for a fact that the owners of Honeydukes are ignorant; otherwise they would have bolted the entrance from their end... This ground we are standing on used to be a stable long ago. As you can see it's just stones and a few ancient beams... This one leads to the first floor entrance, the really conspicuous one. It's hard getting in and out of that one unseen. Lastly is, of course..."
"The shrieking shack," Lily finished for him.
"Just so. That one, I learned, was built much later... 650 years, give or take a decade, at the behest of the family who built the Shrieking Shack. Well, of course at that time it wasn't called that, it was just another family home. Their reasons for wanting a passage to he castle are unknown... to me, anyway. The house was abandoned centuries ago, though. The whomping willow was only planted over the other entrance in my first year..."
"Why?"
"It was for Remus. Dumbledore knows about that passage, if not the others, because it was his idea to use it to help Mooney. Every month he would enter through the Whomping Willow and lock himself in the shrieking shack during the full moon... The building was already thought to have been haunted, but the unearthly racket he used to make as he tore himself to bits, before we became animagi and were able to save him from himself, only furthered the 'haunted' rumour."
They had been strolling down one of the small lanes of the village as he spoke, and scattered snow flakes drifted down to the ground. Lily enjoyed just listening to him talk. Focusing on the sound of his voice somehow released some of the tension that had been building up inside her. The more he went on about history, the easier she felt in the world. He sounded so casual, a mixture of friendly conversation and a lecture. She didn't mind letting him do the talking. It was soothing. Perhaps she wouldn't need a duel at all. Perhaps she could persuade him to just keep on talking for the next 36 hours...
The solitary flakes that had fallen were now grouping together as it began to snow more heavily. Hogsmeade was made for snow and, in Lily's opinion, it never looked lovelier than when the rooftops were white and the windows iced with frost and smoke was rising from the chimneys. They turned their backs on the lovely scene to face a less pleasant one.
They leaned against the fence that surrounded the area of the Shrieking Shack. They stood side by side for a long time, arms touching, in silent consideration. The building seemed gloomy, stark against the softness of the snow around it. Lily imagined those 4 torturous years Remus must have spent in there without the aid and company of his friends. How much pain he must have experienced there...
She was roused from those sad thoughts when James started speaking again.
"You know, the full moon used to be the best times of my life. We would all look forward to it so much. It was so fun that I never realised..."
"Realised what?"
"It wasn't until you were attacked that I considered what a horrible ordeal Remus must have gone through when he was a child. I was too busy having fun to hate the werewolf that did it to him."
"But... that's not fair. What if he was as unwitting as Remus? Even if I hadn't been an animagus, I couldn't hate Remus. He isn't responsible for himself when he's like that. Perhaps it was the same with the werewolf who bit him..."
"It wasn't," James growled. "We know who it was."
"Who?"
"Fenrir Greyback"... James said through gritted teeth. Lily could tell just how much James cared for Remus simply by the depths to which he loathed Greyback. "Hunts children for fun, even when it isn't a full moon. He really is a beast and gives good werewolves like Remus Lupin a bad reputation. It's unfair. Remus is the best man I know and yet he can't even get a job because of scum like Greyback."
Lily put her hand on top of his, gently prying James's white knuckled fingers from their death grip on the fence, which had begun to crack and splinter. James looked to her, then to his hand and relinquished his hold.
"Damn," he said softly. "Splinter."
Lily took his hand and inspected it, the nearest lamppost shedding ample light to see. Using her fingernails she gently pulled the tiny sliver of wood out of the pad of his finger, so that only a small red area of irritation remained.
"What..." James said, deep voice low and smooth, "aren't you going to kiss it and make it better?"
Again with the intentional infliction of frustration. Lily thought he must know his affect on her; otherwise he wouldn't torment her this way. It was cruel of him, to keep playing like that. She knew that like his best friend, the man before her was used to constant female attention and adoration. She didn't want to be like all the other woman and simply give in to him, and yet she couldn't deny him either... not when what he asked of her was something she wanted to do... She wondered if he led on any other students like this. Well, not exactly like this, but she was sure she had seen him smile charmingly or seductively at a group of admiring girls on more than one occasion. She knew she was special. By his own admission he considered her a friend, but that didn't stop her from feeling jealous. It wasn't a common feeling for her and she didn't like it. She couldn't help but wonder if these other little attentions, the flirtatious remarks or looks were just how he treated all women. Lily didn't want to be lobbed into that huge category and flirted with the same way he would all the others. She wanted to be more special than that.
Still, she couldn't give into him and she couldn't deny him, so she did both. Gently she bent down and laid a soft kiss on his fingertip, giving in.
"Poor boy..." she said feelingly.
"I'll be alright."
"I was thinking of Remus," she replied quietly, walking away from James towards the Shack, denying him.
x
'Confound the woman!' James though angrily. 'Every time I think I have her where I want her, she slithers out of it!' he brooded. Remus again. He should have known that sweet, demure little voice wasn't for him. Of course it was for Remus... Remus J. Lupin, the only man past or present (to James's knowledge) that Lily Evans has ever cared for. He had been so preoccupied worrying about Padfoot he completely forgot how Evans felt about Remus.
He hated being jealous of a friend so dear to him, but he couldn't help it. Mooney wasn't even around anymore! She hasn't seen him (in human form anyway) for over 6 years, how could she still have a soft spot for him?
Well, the answer to that was obvious. Mooney really was the best man he knew. It would be natural for anyone who knew him to love him. With Evans's caring nature, she would be only more drawn to him now that she knew him to be a suffering werewolf. James sighed and then stomped after her. She had already entered the shack. Brilliant, just what he needed; her, looking around the shack, seeing and the wrecked furniture and bloodstains to give her sympathetic heart another twinge for her beloved werewolf.
"We aren't staying," he said gruffly, taking her by the elbow and leading her firmly to the passage in the next room. He opened the trapdoor and descended. "In," he commanded shortly. She obeyed, closing the flap behind her.
He didn't light his wand this time. He'd used this passage so many times he knew every inch of it, even if he couldn't keep his head from hitting the ceiling now and again, he knew when the passage bent and twisted.
The tunnel was completely dark, and she couldn't see a thing. Perhaps James had a reason for not lighting his wand but she didn't ask. He seemed to be in a bad mood again. Perhaps it was the Shrieking Shack and Fenrir Greyback. In any case, she kept quiet and followed Potter by the sound of his footsteps.
When the passage curved, Potter curved with it. Lily did not and ran her shoulder into the side of the passage. She didn't allow herself to make any sound of pain. She wasn't going to show him any sign of weakness, she would give him no reason to coddle her.
"James?"
"Hmm?"
"I... ooph." Apparently he had stopped walking when she called his name. She, as the clever reader may have already guessed, hadn't stopped, and subsequently strode straight into him. James gave a condescending snort of laughter.
"Need a hand to hold in the dark scary passage, Evans?" His tone of voice was annoyingly patronizing, full of masculine arrogance. If he had simply taken her hand she would have let him, but holding his hand in pretense of being afraid was not something she intended to do. She didn't want him to comfort her, she just wanted him.
"Such a kind and gentlemanly offer, Potter, but no. I think I'll just settle for this..." she said putting her hands out in front of her and grabbed on to what felt like his waist.
"Ready?"
"Always and for anything," she replied.
"On we go then," he said, continuing down the passage, with Lily holding onto him. They walked silently for a long time. She waited until she was sure they were nearly there before she said what was on her mind.
"You lied to me, you know."
"About what?"
"You promised me a duel in Hogsmeade after you finished showing me all the entrances... And you broke that promise," she said. James remained silent as he continued down the passage. If he wanted to ignore her, then fine. Let's see him ignore this...
"You owe me a duel, Mr. Potter," she purred, "and believe me, I mean to have one." She dug her nails into the area she was holding onto. Through his clothing it couldn't have hurt, but Lily was sure he got the message.
Merlin, she could rile him up in the blink of an eye. She was so confusing. What did she want? 'Well,' the responsible part of him said, 'it doesn't matter what she wants, or what you want for that matter, the important thing is your duty.' Still, the little witch was doing it on purpose, using that sultry voice and clawing at him like that. She knew he was her professor, and she just wanted to see him squirm. Holding a cookie before him he knew he couldn't have... 'Evil wench', he thought. 'Well if it's a duel she wants, a duel she shall have.'
He forcibly removed her hands from his waist and grabbed her wrist, not her hand, but wrist, and yanked her rudely down the passage. He knew they must be there soon, so he quickened his pace, not even slowing down when he heard her tripping over her feet. He simply pulled her along even more relentlessly.
He pressed the knot and left the passage, heaving her up with him then flinging her aside. She fell to the ground with a satisfying grunt. He didn't stop to help her up or ask if she was ok. He kept his stride, walking towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She followed after him, a glorious vision of something, fury most likely, James thought.
He sent a slapping curse her way. He knew he had hit her, because she brought her hand to her cheek, in disbelief.
"Well, Miss Evans, you wanted a duel, didn't you?" he sneered at her.
Frustration, he realised, has a deleterious affect on one's manners... He was being the most unmitigated ass. He had even attacked her before they had even begun. Bad form...
"You bastard!" she said, hurling her best bowling ball hex at him. He conjured a shield this time, which stopped the brunt of the curse from hitting him. He still fell over though, his hand scraping on a sharp rock. He grunted as his got back up to his feet.
"Bloody gel!" he said, as he threw a hurling hex back at her. She blocked it easily and sent one back, taking a step forward saying, "Arrogant fool!"
James blocked it just as easily. "Complacent ingrate!" He fired another, which she blocked.
"Condescending wanker!"
"Arrogant wretch!" he shouted back.
"Good for nothing!" she said firing one. "Useless!" she said firing another, "Know it All!" This time it hit its mark.
"Bitch," he said, wiping the blood away from his mouth. He hadn't meant to call her that, it just came out...like the blood had. They were really out to hurt one another now. They hurled hexes and insults at one another until they were both panting for breath from the effort of fighting and screaming.
"Come on, beat me!" she shouted at him violently, throwing another bowling ball hex at him. "BEAT ME!"
"You frustrating whore!" he said as he stood up again. He was so exhausted and so furious with her! The way she gloated, taunting him by challenging him to try to beat her. If he could he would, damn it. Why had she turned so spiteful? The Lily Evans he thought he knew wouldn't be so cruel or wicked. What had gotten into her?
x
"Beat me!" she told him. "PLEASE!" she screamed. She needed to know he was better... but he wasn't. They would be equals had she not the unfair advantage of her accidental magic. When it came to duelling skill, they were on the same level, but she wanted him to beat her. If he could beat her, he would be better than her, and if he were better than her he could protect her...
Is that was what this was really all about? Protection? Safety? If you know there is someone out there stronger than you who can protect you, it's less terrifying. If you are at the top, no one will protect you. You are on your own. You have to protect yourself.
That was it... She didn't want to be on her own. She wanted to know that James was above her.
Couldn't he see that she needed him to win? She wanted to be overpowered; she needed someone to be stronger than her. She wanted to be below someone simply so she could have someone to look up to. She wasn't being conceited; she knew she was an extremely powerful witch. Even her Professors, who knew more about their topic than she, couldn't compare with her abilities, and that thought scared her. There was Dumbledore of course, but he was so far away from her, so distant, so unreachable. He was the Dumbledore. Even so, he would never use his superior power to push her down... but that's what she wanted. She didn't want to be at the top of the ladder, it was a lonely and precarious position. She was unstable and didn't know how high up she could continue going, up, up, and up, out of control. If only someone were above her, they could control her. She'd find balance and peace of mind. She didn't want to be the strongest. She wanted someone to overpower her, tactically, mentally... or even physically.
"Come on, you can beat me! Do it!!" she shot several curses at him, one after another, and the only thing he could do was cast a quick shield and run out of their way into the forest. "No, don't run away! Don't give up! You have to win! Come on! BE A MAN!" she shouted at him as she flung a wild curse towards the tree beside him, which toppled over with a deafening crashing thud as larger branches snapped under the heavy weight of the trunk. He had to dive forward to get out of its way in time.
James saw a desperate manic glint in her eye. She wasn't trying to insult him by telling him to beat her, he realised. She wasn't showing off. She actually wanted him to defeat her. Needed him to defeat her. He could see it. She would spin out of control if someone didn't pin her to the earth.
She ran at him. Actually, she ran into him, pounding her little fists on his chest as a maverick tear fell down her cheek. He let her continue hitting him, her punches not hurting him in the slightest. "Be a man..." she said again, as the blows became fewer, and the tears became more numerous. She sniffed and shoved him away from her as hard as she could.
Be a man... The words echoed in his brain.
She ran at him but he dodged out of her way. She charged at him again, this time he grabbed her arm and using her own momentum threw into a tree trunk. Her breaths were wild and inconsistent. He advanced on her and she lashed at with her foot, kicking him hard in the shin. He grunted, backing away for a bit before trying again. She aimed another kick but he dodged out of the way this time, closing the gap, getting too close for her to raise her legs. She yowled and went after him with nails. He pried them off of him and with one swoop knocked her legs out from under her and she collapsed to the ground.
When she tried to get up again James grabbed her arms and forced her back to the ground, pinning her arms down with his hands and the rest of her body with his own. He did nothing then, just stayed like that, waiting for her to admit defeat. 'It's not ever yet,' she said to herself. She could break his nose with a single thought... or stun him, knock him unconscious... any number of things. She didn't have a wand, but it didn't matter, she didn't need one.
Then she felt his hot breath on her face and everything went blank. She couldn't. She just... couldn't. Couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't act, she certainly couldn't do wandless magic. She seemed to have lost that ability, just now, only now. With him on top of her she could think of nothing else. Her mind, her soul, her everything was empty, and yet full at the same time. Full of... something. She had meant to lift him off of her, but couldn't. It was a terrifying realisation when it finally dawned. James Potter was her weakness. She knew it before, but she didn't know that he could render her so impotent like this.
Her mind buzzed, her body tingled, her heart raced. He had won. She was completely vulnerable in this close proximity. She was powerless, and there was not a single thing she could do to stop him doing whatever he wanted. She wriggled beneath him, trying to free herself and push him off but his grip only tightened around her, and the weight of his body pushed even harder on top of her. She stopped struggling. She was even weaker now, paralyzed by his eyes... like a snake's, hypnotising its prey before it consumes it...
Her mind and abilities may have been strong but her body was weak... And her body was his... His to consume if he wanted it...
x
He was on top of her. He stayed there, unmoving, until the terrible glint faded from her eyes and she was his Lily once again. Not his Lily, he corrected himself. But the Lily he knew... She seemed calmer now. Her breaths were deeper, more regular if still quick. She would be alright.
'She could have me off of her in a second,' he thought. This isn't a real victory. Evans could win in a hand to hand fight. She didn't need a wand to do magic and could have him bloodied and battered if she had wanted. And while it wasn't a very appealing thought, it was a comfort to know that if it was any other man who had forced her down and pinned her to the ground, he would certainly get what was coming to him.
Then James smiled as realisation struck him. 'She could take me off of her, but she isn't...'
An angry roar came from the trees beside them. Hagrid was livid, barrelling towards them and in a furious rage. In a second, he had James by one shoulder and one leg and threw him as far away from Lily as he possibly could, (which, considering Hagrid's prodigious strength, was rather far). James flew gracelessly through the air. There was a sickening thud as he collided with a tall pine, then came the sounds of snapping tree branches and twigs (and the accompanying painful groans from the body that was breaking them) and another sickening thud when he finally hit the ground.
Lily could do nothing but stare in horrible fascination as she watched the progress of James's body down the tree. After a moment of lying still he began to slowly pull himself off the ground. Lily remembered herself then and ran towards him.
"James! James, are you aright?"
He growled. At least she thought he did. That low angry rumble could have easily come from a large dragon or any other unhappy beast in the forest. The long stream of invectives that followed, however, was definitely that of a man. A very angry man. Lily had never heard him use such foul language before and some of his expletives she had never even heard of. She decided that he must have made them up on the spot in the heat of his anger. She would have been angry too if she had been chucked into a tree.
"Well, if you can swear so creatively you can't be that badly hurt..." she told him.
"Right..." he groaned sarcastically.
"James?" Hagrid repeated, confusedly, only then seeming to come out of his frenzy.
"Yes, James," she said turning him over and taking his face in her hands.
"But it couldn't be. I heard you scream! And I that saw someone was tryin' teh... teh... erm.. I thought someone was attackin' yeh..."
"I didn't scream I... erm... well, it wasn't a scream and he wasn't attacking me."
"But then wha... oh..." Hagrid said, eyes wide with comprehension. Lily flushed in embarrassment and tried to clarify to Hagrid something she couldn't even properly explain to herself...
"You see what happened was... was… was..."
"A tree was falling over and I dove to knock Lily out its way," James said.
"Oh..." said Hagrid, this explanation being much more reasonable and much less interesting.
"You came along just after..."
"I see. Sorry, Potter," said Hagrid, picking up James by the arms and attempting to brush him off, but because he did it with such exuberance, it only succeeded in knocking James to the ground again, making him even dirtier than before.
"It's alright, Hagrid..." James wheezed getting up, brushing himself off this time.
"Well, it's after midnight. Mercury will be wanting his lunch," Lily said stepping past James.
"O'course. I want off to get you from the castle when I heard... "
...Hagrid had accepted James's story rather readily, and if she didn't know Hagrid like she did, she would have thought he actually believed it. The evidence that he didn't believe (and was only pretending to in order to avoid any awkwardness and embarrassment) was his conspicuous lack of curiosity as to why she and James had been out in the forest in the middle of the night anyway, when it wasn't James's shift to take her. Besides, she had no idea how much Hagrid had even seen. If he had seen the tree fall, he would have known that it came long before James had knocked her to the ground...
Hagrid looked at Lily and she looked back, making sure her eyes would give nothing away, although she couldn't likewise vouch for her cheeks as James stood behind her, a heavy hand on her shoulder.
"Don't worry. We will finish this later," he promised, growling into her ear.
As he walked passed her to join Hagrid, she got a brief glimpse of his profile and was pleased to see that he was smiling impossibly, as if he had never been unceremoniously flung into a tree in his entire life.
Back at Hagrid's, James noticed that Lily was even quieter than usual. She still hummed softly as she fed Mercury, but she left the entire conversation up to him and Hagrid. She didn't even look up once to comment. Hagrid gave him a whiskey as mixed medication and apology for the tree business.
He wouldn't ask her about what happened in the forest. He had learned that talking about things only ruined them, and made her angry with him. Their fight in the forest had been strange, certainly, but undeniably special... and the only way to keep it that way was to pretend it didn't happen. No talking about it... just let it stay there, bubbling just under the surface.
'Just like those other times...' James thought... When she had been attacked by Remus and then again on the Knight Bus. Except this one had been different. In the past it had been when she had broken down. This time she had broken down, but flared up at the same time. James had no idea what exactly was going through the girl's mind, nor did he wish to contemplate the effect of knowing there are people out to kill you might have on one's nerves... Not a good one, he'd wager. Most people, James was sure, would go into hiding. Others still might have a nervous breakdown. Lily Evans seemed to at first calmly approach the matter wand in hand to fight, and then when in private, not break down exactly, but break out. Lashing out with nothing but raw emotion she kept bottled up most of the time.
They didn't talk about what they said to each other either... or shouted, rather. They had both said some nasty things that would probably be better off forgotten. It was better that way. Plus, he reflected, if they both ignored what happened, they didn't have to ask that pesky question of whether it was appropriate or not...
Walking back to the castle Lily commented on his resilience, being able to walk about so easily after first crashing into, then out of, of tree.
"I've fallen off a broomstick from greater heights," he explained proudly, as if this were some great feat to be admired.
They ascended one set of stairs and Lily was about to turn off in the direction of her common room before he caught her elbow.
"My room is this way, my dear."
"That's nice but mine is this way, darling," she spat out the last word with excessive venom, to make sure he understood she was being sarcastic.
"Yes, but your lovely little common room isn't exactly conducive to duelling. Wouldn't want any of your lovely little books or your lovely little chess set to get damaged, would we?" he said without relinquishing his hold on her elbow. He went up the next flight of stairs, and Lily, perforce, went with him.
He couldn't take out his cloak without letting go of her, so they walked to his office, completely visible. Fortunately, no one seemed to have spotted them save a few tight lipped ghosts...
As they walked, Lily wondered about what exactly they would be doing. He had promised to finish the duel later, but hadn't he already finished it? He had won...
'No...' said a voice in her head. 'He didn't say they would finish the duel he said that they would finish 'this'... She squirmed slightly at the implications of whatever this might be.
'No, no, no,' said a completely different voice, 'He said that your room wasn't conducive to duelling.' Therefore, that's what he must be talking about.
'No!' said Lily's own voice. The voice of reason, she hoped. It doesn't matter what he meant the only thing that matters is what will happen. No matter what she may want to do or want him to do, she couldn't act on it. She wasn't going to lie to herself anymore. Yes, she definitely had very confusing and consternating feelings towards her Professor, but how she felt should have absolutely no effect on her behaviour. She shouldn't do anything to try to encourage him. Not only would it be hopeless, but it would be scandalously inappropriate. She knew very well it was much easier to engage a man's... erm… attention rather than his true affection. She had herself invented a spell that 'engaged his attention,' and actually used it on him once. It had ended disastrously.
'Oh this is just silly!' she thought. She just needed a good dose of old fashioned carnality to get it out of her system, but not with him, of course. Someone else. Anyone else. She was just frustrated and poor Potter was feeling the effects of it. Or so she told herself.
Lily had her mind made up by the time she was back to the classroom. She had a foolproof plan. A tactic she knew would work. The moment he closed the classroom door behind them she had her wand out and ready. The moment Potter saw it he whipped his out quickly, startled, and seeming to think he was under attack.
"No need for alarm," she said. "My wand is only out for defensive purposes. I thought we might practice for Saturday..."
"Oh..." he said, visibly relaxing slightly.
"You are the dark wizard expert. If you wanted to kill me how would you do it?"
The idea was ludicrous. 'Me? Want to kill her?' he thought. 'Sirius would sooner become celibate...'
"If I were to train you for defending yourself against people who were trying to kill you..." he said carefully, not wanting to suggest in anyway, hypothetically or otherwise that he would want her to cease breathing, "then I would start off with these."
He walked over to the chalkboard and began writing down various hexes and curses, some Lily knew, most she didn't. Lily sighed in a way that was almost relief. There wasn't much relief to be had when training to face your own murder, but seeing James go back to Professor mode was one weight lifted from her mind. Her plan had worked and she had distracted him away from whatever thoughts he might have been having before. She didn't even want to know what he thought of her now. He probably thought she was some madwoman, a loose canon who randomly starts attacking people.
But he hadn't mentioned it, and she wasn't going to, and now they were occupied with other more important things anyway.
She read and reread the blackboard, studying the curses and their accompanying counter curses. They practiced several times without attacking first, then with. Slowly, in order, just as they had done before when she was practicing for the exam. Except now the curses were even more dangerous and the results even more final...
They continued practicing nonverbally for hours. Over and over and over again. Lily couldn't take much more of it. She could go on like this forever until someone stopped her...
Perhaps she had become addicted to pain. Perhaps she had wanted an excuse to finally stop. Or perhaps she wanted to suffer at James's hands in atonement for the way she knew he had suffered because of her. She really was the most terrible burden for him, she knew that. The worst kind, in fact, because she was a burden he couldn't unload, not now...
In any case, after nearly 2 hours of straight practicing, she had the fey urge to simply drop her wand and let the curse hit her. James realised too late what she had done, and he looked on in horror, knowing he was completely powerless to stop his spell now.
Lily knew which one it would be, the constriction curse... as if a giant python were squeezing you to death. Lily chose this one particularly because it wouldn't kill her instantly. She or James would have time to remove it before it could.
It hit her with a force she didn't expect. Somehow she imagined it would take her slowly, as a real serpent would but this knocked her down immediately, compressing the air painfully from her lungs in one sharp compression. She let it stay, only for a moment, just long enough to truly feel the pain she felt she deserved before she took it off and her lungs were allowed to expand and fill with air again.
"Foolish gel! You let that one in on purpose!" James said.
"I know I did..."
"Why, in Merlin's name?!" he asked frantically as he helped her up to a sitting position.
"I wanted to know what it felt like," she said, partially telling the truth.
"Evans, Lily, dear, you can't do that to me. What if I... it had killed you?" His voice was shaking.
"I knew it wouldn't kill me if I didn't let it. I wouldn't let myself die before Saturday, otherwise you won't get an arrest. I just needed to learn to face pain the way one can face death..."
James was shaking slightly. In truth, the moment he had seen her drop her wand he mind had blanked and he couldn't remember which hex he had thrown... Indeed, the constriction curse was probably the only one that could have hit her and not seriously wounded her immediately on contact.
"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly. She didn't exactly look well, but neither, he was sure, did he.
"Look away, please... I think I'm going to vomit," she said calmly.
After an interval she allowed him to come back, whereupon he picked her up and insisted on taking her to the Hospital Wing.
"I'm not going. It has nothing to do with your curse, Potter, put me down. I don't have the energy to be scolded by Madame Pomfrey tonight. I just need to rest..." Pass out was more like it...
"Why can't you be like other women instead of insisting on being so damned contrary all the time?" he complained half heartedly. He had said it. The magic words she had secretly been wanting to hear. He didn't think of her as just another woman. Aside from being his pupil, aside from being his friend, she was still different. Contrary, but different.
"James..." she said softly, "put me down." James sighed and placed her in her armchair in the corner of his office.
"I don't know what to do with you," he confessed.
"You don't have to do anything."
"Yes I do, I can't just stare at you..." he said, although he couldn't vouch for the truth of that statement. Evans was definitely... stare-able. She anchored his eye...
He might well have been staring at her for the next 15 minutes, he couldn't remember. All he remembered was waking from his daze when her determined soft voice broke the silence.
"You know... I won't blame you if they succeed Saturday."
"Lily..."
"I'm not being morbid, James, I'm being realistic. We both know the risk that is involved. I just want you to know that if something happens, and they succeed, I wouldn't blame you. I know you would have done your best, so I don't want you to feel guilty or responsible, or blame yourself. Promise me you won't."
"Lily..." he said again, pleading.
"Promise me."
"I promise," he said. Finally realising that Lily might actually die the following day. He knew that the boys meant to kill her, but it wasn't until that moment that James seemed to understand that she might not here day after tomorrow. She would be no more, Dumbledore would have to choose a new head girl, Mercury would be alone, Rupert would bawl, and so would Hagrid... aside from that, nothing would change that much... Except that he would loose his motivation to teach. He'd want to leave Hogwarts, he knew that. And he would never want to see another redhead again, or see green eyes ever again, or speak to anyone ever again, but apart from that, life would go on as usual...
"You know something?" Her voice interrupted his thoughts...
"What?"
"I'm... frightened."
"So am I."
"It's not just that... but I'm afraid that if I do... you know... die... it won't matter," she said. As if she had read his thoughts she continued, "aside from Hagrid, Rupert, and Mercury, everyone will carry on as usual. Well, of course it will be a nice topic of conversation for a few weeks among the students and I'm sure it would make a juicy article for the Prophet, but really, I won't be upsetting too many people. A bit pathetic when one stops and thinks about it..." She stopped, and realised what she was saying. She was breaking the new 'don't show him any weakness' rule. "Sorry, forget all that. I was... rambling. Just... forget it."
"Your necklace."
"What?"
"Give it to me."
"Um... alright..." she said taking it off and handing it to him. He put a shield charm, and also another sort of protective spell on it, turning it into a sort of talisman. Well, if her own shield failed, maybe that would help her a bit...
"There," he said, going back to her and refastening it around her neck. He pulled the hair carefully out so that it flowed over her shoulders as it usually did.
Coming around her side to face her he took her shoulders in his hands and peered into her eyes. The sadness still lingered there, as did the loneliness and the fears of not being cared for.
He didn't say anything, he just pulled her in, trying to squeeze all her doubts away.
x
So, now she knew two hugs from him, she thought. The first being the 'I'm glad you are not dead hug' and the second being the 'I hope you don't die hug'... such morbid embraces. She felt they hardly counted. Still, she was grateful... this really could be one of her last nights here, and at least she wasn't alone. At least someone was there.
He was just so kind and so determined, he made it easy for her to pretend that he loved her. Maybe he was doing it on purpose, maybe he did this to all women, she didn't care. His kindness made it easy for her to lie to herself. Made it easier for her to trick herself into thinking she was cared for. Well, not necessarily trick herself into thinking it, but made it easier to ignore the fact that she wasn't...
She fell asleep in the armchair a few minutes after he had pulled away. His hugs had a soporific effect on her, it seemed.
He picked her up carefully. She roused enough to mumble curiously, "Hmm?" but she was too exhausted to say anything else or protest. He walked with her in his arms to his bed. He gently placed her on it before he got in himself, carefully easing himself into bed, his sore muscles and bruises complaining loudly at him. Both of them just lay there, in too much pain and too exhausted to do anything else. He made one last comment before he extinguished the light, unsure whether or not she heard it.
"You'll be the death of me, Lily Evans."