Why hello there. In some ways it feels like forever since I posted, but I just looked at my last pub date and...could be worse. Struggled hard with some writer's block, here. Inspiration was hard because this world is completely my own but Grey's (and a few of it's cast members) are making general enthusiasm hard. Plus, this is sort of a transition chapter. I don't even know what to say anymore. Just hope you like it and hope you are having happy holidays. My gift to you...
April
"Good morning, Sunshine. Time to wake up." My oldest opened her beautiful hazel eyes and blinked at me as I hovered over her, trying to keep my voice soft. She yawned, flashing me a huge smile.
"Daddy always sayed 'Get up sleepyhead,' really loud so close to my face he touched my nose."
"Your father loves a good eskimo kiss."
"Your way's better den screamin' in my face." She sat up and stretched her little fists over her head.
"Can I have a kiss? You look too cute right now."
"Mama, only babies are cute."
"Well, you will always be my baby so gimme that kiss." She relented after she jumped out of bed. I took a deep breath. "Ok, how do we dress for gymnastics?" It felt strange not to know. Instinctually, I wanted to fake it 'til I made it and be mama bear in charge again, but that wasn't fair to Jackson and the girls. Things changed while I was gone and I had some new things to learn.
"I will just pick a leotard and you please help me get it on and then I just put on comfy pants over it and a tee-shirt for before and after we there. And please mom can you do my hair in a tight bun finally? Dad can't do it right."
"Of course, sweetheart. Of course I'll do your hair right. And I'm gonna make you a big breakfast so you have tons of energy and we can talk just the two of us, how does that sound?"
"Great mom!" I kissed her forehead and kept her face between my hands a little too long. "Ok, let's do it. I'm so hungry and I wanna be ready."
"Let's do it!"
Twenty minutes later we sat down with plates of eggs, bacon, English muffin and fruit. "Mom, you can eat half with Tee and half wit me."
"That's a really good idea, love. I think I will."
"Why you waked me up, first? Daddy drives Tee first."
I shrugged. "I'll have time with her later."
"He just shakes her light and whispers waking her up."
"I bet he starts singing to Brae. Personalized wake up calls."
"You did that?"
"Um well, we all kinda woke up together, I don't know."
"I wish it was like before and you could come today."
I sighed. "Well, the only reason everyone isn't going is Brae needs to stay home and get rest and cuddles. You get that, right?" She nodded. "So let's think this through. If it were like before, I'd be there and Brae, even though she'd be crying and sick, but who probably wouldn't be?"
"Daddy," she grumbled, looking down at the table.
"But who's taken care of more sick baby girls?"
"You."
"And who knows more about gymnastics and the swimming schedule right now?"
"Daddy."
"So it makes sense that I stay home with Brae and daddy goes with you, right?"
"Yeah. I just hope next week she's better to go out. It's not a compete, but we have a show for moms and dads where you see everything I can do, not just the last thing we do for the day like now. Daddy's only allowed in at the end of it."
"How about this. If she's still needs to rest next week we'll get a babysitter, no matter what. And we'll go out to celebrate the end of gymnastics and swimming and dance for you and Tee."
"OK, where will we go?"
"Your daddy will probably want to go to Uncle Chris' restaurant. But he makes you whatever you want, always. Daddy will ask him to make a menu for you and one for Tee so you can pick what you want. You like that, right? He makes the yummiest food."
"OK. But Mama?"
"What diva?"
"Will I ever go to Chuck E. Cheese?"
I wrinkled my nose at her and took a bite of bacon. "I'll be honest, probably not. Daddy probably knows a better arcade and I don't think he'd want you to go there." Jackson was sometimes really picky about where we took the girls, the clothes they wore, the quality of everything they owned. Other times he'd relax, mostly if I explained I'd loved something as a child. But his reaction was impossible to predict and I'd never been to Chuck E. Cheese. I tilted my head, still wondering how she knew the place existed. Most of her friends' moms were a thousand times worse than Jackson. "How do you even know about that place?"
"Jake and Chase goed." Of course. My nephews. Kimmie always seemed to be making my life harder in one way or another. I shook my head, smiling.
"Mom, you need to go to Suzanna, right today!"
"That bad, huh?"
She nodded, chewing on her bacon. "I can see so so so much black hairs on your head, not red."
"It's not black, sweetie. It's brown just like you, you know that."
Jackson snuck in behind us and kissed our cheeks. "Arabella, did you know I've only ever kissed your mom when she had red hair?"
"No. But that is such a gross thing to tell me." She laughed at how gross it was, smiling and shaking her head as she handed her daddy her last bite of English muffin.
He ignored her comment. "It might be a nice change of pace, kissing a brunette." He whispered in my ear and kissed me long enough that I knew what he was missing.
"Relax," I whispered back, taking a bag of groceries out of his hand. "What'd yah get us?" I peeked in the bag.
"Exactly everything you wrote down, plus the Oreos you forgot for Brae. Gonna go get everyone else up, cool?"
"Cool." We both nodded, half our breakfasts finished. Arabella was satisfied that our alone time ended with the promise of a party.
"Hello, sweetheart, good morning again." I looked up from my spot on the floor with Adelaide when I heard Braelyn crying again. "How are you, is your fever down? Let's see." I got up to check her, hoping she was just fussy from waking up.
She'd had a tough morning. I was expecting it, but she wasn't. Meds, food and a bath were all necessary, but had tired her out. So the baby and I snuggled with her while she napped for a little bit. Then I picked up the house some and then brought Adelaide into the room for some tummy time.
"Sorry, we're sorry. We only left you for a little bit." I put my calm baby on the end of the bed and crawled under covers with my sick lion.
"Ouch."
"Ouch your head? I hope because your fever is down baby. We've gotta get up though, and think about lunch. Everyone should be home soon so maybe we'll have them pick up something for us." I was careful not to say names, but she fought in my arms, crying hysterically.
"Ouch, daddy. Ouch daddy!" she screamed.
"Please stop screaming…you want to talk to daddy? We can. I'm going to call him now. But you need to calm down. Shhhh!"
I just got her calmed down when the doorbell rang. "Who's that? Daddy doesn't ring the bell. He doesn't. Neither do your silly sisters, they can't reach it." I powered down the stairs and opened the door too fast. I was not ready for the person who greeted me on the other side. "Catherine….It's really not a good time."
"I'm leaving tomorrow and I want to say goodbye to the girls. It's never a bad time to see nana." She breezed past me and into the house. "Where are my darlings?"
"If you'd let me finish…they're out at swimming and gymnastics. I'm going to call Jackson now to see about lunch but…this one's not doing great and I have to get upstairs to Adelaide."
"Give me her, get the baby, call Jackson….I'm taking the private plane, I can do lunch."
"Thank you Catherine. For everything, really. I appreciate it. I do. But I did not just invite you to lunch. If you wanted to say goodbye to the girls, you could've yesterday before running off so quick."
"I said goodbye to them. I didn't want to deal with your nonsense." She took Braelyn from my arms, and I was secretly delighted when the tears started again.
"And right now, I don't want to deal with yours. We're just starting to try to find normal, Catherine."
"And one lunch with me would ruin that?"
"Yes. Yes. She's crying right now. It's an event, when you're around whether you mean it to be or not. They don't need that. When they get home they need to eat and take baths and get used to me again. And that hurts and I wish it weren't true but…we just….thank you. Jackson and I will spend however long you require repaying you for all of the energy you spent being a good grandmother and mother to us. But I will not start today. Goodbye Catherine." I shut the door and leaned against it for a minute with Braelyn in my arms sobbing.
I took a deep breath. Way before she was my mother-in-law she was a mentor of sorts. As my personal relationship with Jackson grew, she only got more intimidating. We had a great relationship right now, but that didn't mean standing up to her was easy. When Catherine agreed with you, life was easy. When you stood up to her? Well, I saw what Jackson went through. It wasn't pretty. I kissed the top of Brae's head. "Mom actually did that...And it felt good. Let's go see Laidy." I headed for the staircase feeling lighter somehow, even with a screaming baby in my arms.
Jackson
"Did you ring the bell, Tenley? Did you? Lemme see it daddy! You have a bideo?" Arabella ran over to us after tumbling practice, out of breath.
"I do have a video. But slow down, girl. Take a breath. Drink some water. When you catch your breath. Tee has a question for you."
"What's the new jumping?" Tenley whispered, almost into my chest. She didn't want to do gymnastics; it was "too scary." But she peeked at her sister from my lap with awe.
"It's not jumping, it's a tumble skill. A back layout. Daddy you seed it and know it's new?"
"Of course we did, Bellie. We got it on video for mom. Speaking of, let's get home. Do I need to talk to your teachers at all?"
"No. Just one more practice atil the show for you."
"Go say bye and thanks. I think I hear Tee's tummy growling."
We were on the way to the car when the phone rang. Suddenly my toddler's screaming face was on my screen. "See, there's daddy. Say hi to her Jacks, please."
"Hey lion, what's your problem, huh?"
"Can you bring Chinese home? I don't really feel like cooking lunch…. or dinner, and she needs soup. Oh, also I just kicked your mom out. She came to say bye because she's going back to Boston apparently. But I didn't feel like entertaining her. So who knows how long we'll pay for that. That's Brae's problem. Hurricane Catherine."
"Mom? Is that mom? I can tell her 'bout my back layout and Tee tell about the bell? Mama! I did a back layout and Tenley ringed the bell and daddy has a video!"
"Yes, relax. She'll see the video when we get home."
"That's great, baby!" But then to me, "What did she say? Was that Arabella?"
"Yeah. Don't worry, you'll see. We'll be home with food soon. Are you good? They calm?"
"Yeah, just say bye. Say 'Bye Daddy…' Brae. Bye, bye. We love you, thank you."
"See you soon."
April
"Mom, this is my favorite part of the day."
I raised my eyebrows behind Bellie, who was sitting between my legs as I finished her braid. "I don't believe that. Daddy played supermarket with you today." Jackson had always been a really hard sell on the make believe. But he was a lot better lately. In some ways, our current family challenges were a blessing. My absence forced him to learn to play; something I knew he rarely did, even in childhood. I was even able to convince him not to push the counting skills angle of today's activity too much.
"OK, diva. You're done." I finished doing her hair and collapsed on the carpet in our basement playroom behind her, laying down while she was still between my legs. It cracked her up and instead of getting up herself, she rested her head on my belly.
"No. I mean afore daddy taked care of us when you restin', dis was. 'Acause the babies sleeped and we just talked."
"Sometimes."
"Oh yeah. Sometimes my hair's so tangly and I cried. Sorry."
"It's OK," I yawned and started gently rubbing her head the way Jackson liked when he was half asleep.
"Tee's turn? Come fer your braid, Tenley." She smiled over at her sister and waved her over.
Tenley barely blinked at us from her spot in the far corner of the room. She was intensely focused on a farm animal puzzle. "My daddy can do it." She said, not even bothering to take out a pacifier she'd stolen from Braelyn.
"Not as good as mama, not at all Tee! Come now! We are talking like afore and it's fun."
"It's OK, Arabella. Let her finish her puzzle. You're not her mom, remember?"
She sighed up at me. "Yeah just, she so confusing today. Why'd she not even get happy when we showed you her video? Not one time."
I shrugged. "I don't think she likes swimming lessons that much."
We stayed frozen in our spot a minute, nothing to say. Until Arabella looked up at me and giggled. "Mom, I'm looking at you backwards."
"No. Just upside down."
"Yeah."
"Tenley Justine, I love you so much. Good job on that puzzle." I glanced sideways and dropped it casually.
"What are you doing to my head, mom?" Arabella couldn't stand it anymore.
"Making spider fingers walk on it, you don't like it?"
"That's silly."
"Yeah. Feels fine though, right? Sometimes this helps dad sleep."
"It's not bedtime."
"Soon."
Suddenly, Tenley finished her puzzle and stood over my head, looking down at me. She took the passi out. "Mama, I love you so much to the moon." Even though her statement was deliberate, she whispered. Today wasn't a bad day for her, she was just grumpy. One of her sisters would not shut up about tumbling, another was sick, and the last one didn't talk. Plus, she hated swimming and only liked Chinese noodles. But mom and dad were pretty strict about eating the chicken and broccoli at lunch and dinner. It was frustrating. I understood her need to sit after her bath and do a whole puzzle alone before playtime ended.
"Can I have a kiss right on my cheek?" She got down on the floor with us to oblige. "Now, can I do your braid? Your daddy's in charge of Brae's bedtime and she's sick so it might take a while."
"Yeah, you can do it."
"Thank you. Bellie, will you clean up some toys not the puzzle and then you can hang out here until bedtime?"
"Yeah I will. But I'm gonna crawl like a spider while I do it."
"Whatever floats your boat, sister. I just need Tee's head where yours was."
She came and sat in front of me, leaning her head back against my chest when I sat up. "Silly. You know what I meant. What's up, how was your day?"
She just shrugged. "I really don't like bro-li."
"I know you don't like broccoli. But I don't like a lot of things I still eat because they're healthy. I hate beets. And kale. But mommy still eats it all the time." She just sighed. "Hey, your dad and I are so proud of you that you leveled up today. And you looked so pretty in your mermaid suit. Why are you grumpy in all but one picture?"
"Daddy said 'Smile, princess. Please! We gotta go pick up your sister.'"
"Well, it's good that you obeyed. But why weren't you happy?"
"Ouch."
"Sorry love." I kissed the top of her head where a tangle snagged the brush.
"Acause you wasn't there, mom! And I wasn't. And Brae wasn't. Just daddy is Ok sometimes, not big times."
"Arabella, aren't you learning to let other people talk more? Besides, this isn't your business right now. Your only business is cleaning up all that grocery store food missy. Is she right?" I whispered in Tenley's ear as I started her braid. She shook her head no, to my surprise.
"Just a boring day. I didn't want to."
"Ok. You're allowed to be bored. But swimming lessons are important. Arabella can't quit them, even though she started gymnastics. What would you like to start?"
"Um…Not dancing again."
"I know. You stopped that. But you're a big girl starting preschool soon. You can't just have fun school and boring swimming. What would be a fun class, do you think?"
"A art one?" She looked up at me for approval.
"Yeah, sure! Art, maybe cooking or baking or one where you put on shows?" I wanted to give her as many options as possible. "Or, I'm sure there's one where you can go read with mom and dad…but we do that at home, right?"
"I just think maybe a art one. Not yet."
"Not yet? Why not?" I tied the bottom piece of her braid.
"I just wanna have fun wit my mom for more weeks."
"Ok, that sounds good. Not yet." I kissed her forehead, smiling when she fell back on my chest, her braid finished. She eased us to the floor. I made a spider crawl down the center of her forehead and she laughed a second. But otherwise we were silent.
"I cleaned eve-thing but I left the puzzle in the corner so Tee can see it tomorrow," Arabella announced, flopping down on top of me, too.
"That was nice of you, to do all of the cleaning."
"Now we can just hang out."
"Hang out, huh? We should probably get to bed soon. I bet dad's wondering what happened to us. It's almost bedtime."
"Not yet, mom."
"Yeah." Tenley agreed, yawning. I had to give in. I didn't want to move either. Bellie reached over and pressed her fingers across my cheek.
"The spider make you tired?" she asked.
"I think the day made all of us tired."
"What if we falled asleep down here, just us?"
"Daddy would be lonely. He needs my cuddles to sleep."
"He don't! You was resting…"
"I know! That's why he needs me now more than ever. Because I missed so many cozy nights. With everyone. You guys and Brae and Laidy and even daddy. We all missed each other so, I need to spend time with him too."
"I didn't miss him. I seed him all day all day eveday."
"Geez, everyone's a little grumpy today, huh? Why are you so hard on your dad all the sudden diva?" Before I could get an answer he came barreling down the stairs.
"You guys look comfy. I'm jealous. Those baby girls did not make bedtime easy tonight."
"Go away, dis is girls only time!" Bellie huffed.
"It is not, Bellie Catherine…." I caught his eye. "Come. Pick a piece of me to lay on. That's the game they're playing tonight, apparently."
"And spiders." Tenley reached across my leg and crawled her fingers across his cheek.
"That makes me tired." Jackson yawned.
Arabella just huffed and looked anywhere but his face. "So, while we're all here let's talk about tomorrow. We all have Dr. Sarah all day….
"Fun!" Jackson rolled his eyes, making sure I caught the sarcasm behind them.
"I thought the girls would like reminders. Oh and I found someone for us, we have an appointment Tuesday."
His eyes went suddenly cold. "Don't talk about that in front of the k-i-d-s!" It was an order.
"You spelled kids. I am gonna be in kindergarten and I'm smart 'acause I do spelling!"
"You are, Arabella. Very smart."
"I'm not talkin' wit daddy in dat room."
"We'll see…you don't make that decision."
"I do make it, daddy! You are dumb!" She huffed, stood up, and started running upstairs.
He blinked at me, angry, as if I had something to do with it. I just shrugged. "That one's yours." When he was gone I stood up and stared down at my shy, sweet three-year-old with a smile. "Come on Tenley Justine. It's late but we deserve a bedtime story."
"Mama, carry me!" Somehow the passi found its way into her mouth again.
"Ok, if you take that thing out of your mouth."
She did, and smiled widely at me. I saw what Jackson would look like if he had a braid and ever flashed his teeth when he smiled. "I love you so much, have I told you that tonight? Leave the passi on the couch ok? Just throw it there." I picked her up and kissed her cheek.
"Yes, you did," she said, resting her head on my shoulder.
"What book do you want to read?"
"Lola Liberry!"
"Lola at the Library? Good choice! I miss her. Don't fall asleep on me, now. We have a long way to go. This house is so big."
"I won't. I promise mom."
Jackson
I cut Arabella off at the landing of the staircase leading upstairs and threw her over my shoulder. I didn't put her down until I was in front of the sink in her bathroom. "Brush," I instructed.
She knew not to talk back, but wasn't afraid. When she was finished, I tucked her into bed. "We don't use that word in this house, especially not to describe a person. You know that."
"I am angry."
"That was clear. But when you're angry you tell me, don't call me names."
"Sorry. Just fer sayin' dumb."
"Thanks. Now, why were you angry?"
"You comed in at our time wit mommy and we didn't have a lot today, like the babies. Girls only wasn't all the time a secret. It's a fun time."
I sighed. "Breakfast with just mom and you wasn't enough, huh?"
"Tenley was mean all day util she decided not to and den we was hanging out one second and you comed. I maked mom happy all day and Tee maked her sad and den no one maked her sad but you comed so we didn't even talk a lot."
"Mom was happy today, Tee didn't make her sad. It's not your job to…"
"She says, 'When my girls are sad I am.'"
"Yeah….but she knows Tee was just grumpy." These conversations were so hard sometimes. I could barely deal with my own feelings let alone interpret my kids' most of the time. I knew it was a father's job but these conversations could easily go in circles. "I'm sorry I walked in on your fun time. But sometimes will you include me?"
"Not braiding my hair! Tee thinks you can but you not good like mom!"
"Your hair was done, diva. But thanks for the confidence." I tickled her.
"Sometimes you can come."
"Maybe next time you feel that just say 'go upstairs for five minutes please.' Deal?"
"Deal."
"Daddy?"
"What?"
"I can just get no story instead of a time out or no stickers tomorrow?" She wasn't kidding when she said she was smart.
"Ok Just once. But you read one book to me tomorrow, too." I kissed her cheek. "Night rascal."
"Just my mom played at night so many times. I fergotted it was so fun."
"Well, soon I wanna know how fun it is to play with you all at night."
"Ok."
"Love you to the moon."
She smiled, yawning. "You always 'member now."
"Yeah. I always remember now."
"You were mad," she said, as soon as I walked into the bedroom.
"I was." I nodded, heading straight to the closet to undress. "I don't want them knowing anything. We're not getting divorced so, you know I don't like them to even sense anything is wrong. We've slipped up lately, but…."
I heard her sigh. "You know that's impossible. You sensed it at their age…"
"No one in that house gave a fuck about me, April. They sure as hell didn't care if I heard them fight."
"Your mother…"
"My mother started paying attention when I got into medical school."
"Ok, but…" She paused. "Will you just come out here so we can talk? Since when do you go into the walk-in to undress."
"Since I know you hate it when I leave clothes on the floor by the bed."
I came out and climbed into bed. "Thaaanks," she blinked. "The floor of the closet is kind of the same thing. But, you tried."
We were quiet too long. "You were saying?"
She bit her lip and looked anywhere but my face. "Jackson, I want…I think it would be healthy for us if….I think we should both let divorce be an option in our heads."
Now I looked away from her, pulled away when she reached for my hand. "That's not a threat, I promise. It's hard for me even say that word. Just…listen to me, look at me."
I did. A little part of me wanted her to see the tears in my eyes. "I'm saying that, three years from now..."
"…When our youngest is three…"
"Yes, she'll be three. When we've done everything we can, spent three years in therapy and don't even want to fight anymore…If, that's a very important word, if I'm still unhappy and it's not even your fault, or you are and it's not about me…. I don't want you to stay with me if you aren't happy. And I don't want to feel stuck, either. It's just as unhealthy for the girls to see a loveless marriage everyday as it is for them to see a fight in a struggling one."
"April, this was such a small thing compared to…." I looked down. "I snapped. I'm sorry. You think you're in a loveless marriage?"
"No! No! That's not what I said at all. I think we hit a huge rough patch we can't smile our way through, though. It's half my fault for not telling you things. I think this is our first really big one, and it's scary. I think it even scares me that you don't get what I'm saying now…"
I took a deep breath. This discussing our marriage alone thing was new to us, and if she kept talking the way she was I knew this…us trying…would end badly. "Can you rephrase, please?"
"Sure. We took the option off the table in our relationship before we knew what challenges we'd face. Hypothetically, it's on everyone else's marriage table, whether they ever feel the need to even say the words to each other."
"Weird metaphor, but OK…."
"Some people use the option and haven't gone through half the things we've gone through. And, I'm sure some people go through ten times more shit and don't even need to have this conversation."
"But you needed to have it because…"
"Because, maybe the amount of work you can do to fix this marriage is different than the amount I can do. We are only human. I'm saying, I respect you, Jackson Harper Avery. If you feel done, let me know. You're not a bad person for reaching a limit. If I reach mine, I need to know you respect me enough to give me choices."
"What did my mother say to you? Did she get nasty because you kicked her out? I support that decision a thousand percent, April. Did she tell you I had a limit? Why did you bring him up? Did she bring him up because and suggest I'm like him because I swear to God I'll get on a plane right now and…"
"Shhhh, shhhh." I reached out my hand and pulled him back into bed. "This has nothing to do with your parents. It just slipped out in our conversation I promise. But I need you not to shut me out when your childhood comes up. It might. I need you to let me in…"
"April, I don't know, I…"
"It's hard for you, I know. That's why I wanted to let you know, I respect your limits. Therapy is hard for you in general. Going yourself, putting your daughters in…"
"Because I snapped, you think therapy is my limit?"
"It might be, after a few years…"
"Years?"
"We may need years. I may need us to go continuously. I don't know."
"Ok. I'm nowhere near my limit, for the record."
"Me either. But you snapped when I mentioned it. And this therapy is not about fixing me to the point where I can handle the kids again. It's about getting us really healthy together."
"I know that."
"But are you ready? This first session is an hour and a half. A half hour for you, a half hour for me, and then one together."
"Bring it." I smiled.
"And I nee…"
"You need divorce on the metaphorical table."
"Yes. Because I love and respect you."
"I'm sad you need that, but I love and respect you, too. Can we maybe….tape the option underneath the table for now? It wasn't even there an hour ago and I don't want to make it easy for us."
April
"Me either!" I smirked at him. "Deal."
"Babe?"
"Yeah?"
"I know we have work to do, but I've never been unhappy. I'm happy right now."
"Me too. Jackson?" I snuggled closer to him and started massaging his arms with my fingers.
"Hmm?"
"Was it too easy for your parents?"
"I was honestly really young. I don't know for sure. But knowing my mom? I doubt either of them tried hard. I bet he left before she decided to leave and she watched him go."
I kissed him for a long time after that answer. That was the most honest he'd ever been with me about his family outright. My fear of his limit was real. It felt really good that he recognized how seriously that effected our marriage and found a way to make me feel better right away.
"Hey, stop. Today was too much for you?"
"No, not at all. It was fine Jacks. It was just a morning alone. I remember how to do it, I love doing it."
"I know."
"Plus, your mom spiced things up a bit."
"Tell me about that. What'd she do? I swear I'll go to Boston and…"
"Relax," I giggled. "She didn't do anything wrong today, but I wasn't going to invite her in for lunch. I knew Braelyn was fussy and I had to keep her up until after lunch and…I just didn't want to listen to whatever it is she was going to say."
"I never do…"
"It's like she…what did she want? 'Thanks for letting my child fall on your watch, Catherine?' 'How great of you to think to seek medical attention for her when she obviously needed it because you didn't witness the accident?' 'Nice of you to wait five more seconds for us to walk into the building before leaving my girls alone?' And she comes to my house the next day and wants to stay for wonton soup? Nuh uh."
He rested his head in my shoulder and cracked up laughing. "I love you so much, April Grace Avery."
"I'm so in love with you…." He leaned in for a kiss.
"What's that smirk for?" He asked, when we pulled away.
"Nothing just….you smiled before, and you showed your teeth….You and Tenley Justine look so much alike sometimes, it's amazing."
"Hmm, I definitely should've won the middle name battle. I knew I gave in too soon. Don't think I don't know you chose it because of that *Nsync asshole."
I reached around to throw a pillow in his face. "I did not! I liked the way it sounded."
"You know I know there's no Jaqueline in the Bible, right?"
"She's three! She knows her full name. It's not like we can change it. Give it a rest!" I reached over and pelted him with another pillow.
"Enough with the pillows. I will build a wall. I will build a wall in this king size bed," he smirked.
"No you won't." I pulled closer to him again and shook my head into his chest. "No walls. I sleep best when you're holding me and your mouth is right near my ear so I can hear you snore."
"Now you're just lying." He grabbed a pillow and wedged it between us, but then quickly threw it across the bed.
Jackson
"You were right about Chuck E. Cheese mama. He sayed 'no way, what was in that chocolate milk I let you get at lunch?' Arabella sighed and shrugged at April. We were playing Connect Four in Dr. Woodall's office. The girls refused to talk about feelings in the family session after a pretty long day of individual sessions. April had sat in with Tenley and I'd insisted on being let in to Arabella's after last night. It had gone well enough, but she'd had enough of the serious stuff. We'd mixed duos, let Brae pick a side, and the doctor promised we could talk about anything we wanted. Apparently, Chuck E. Cheese was an acceptable topic, to my disappointment.
"You haved chocolate milk?" Tenley whispered.
"Yeah, we goed to the diner. Where did you go?"
"Stay home, haved water."
"And a really yummy sandwich. Sweetheart, next week go early with daddy and he'll take you to get chocolate milk. We could stay home because we had the later appointment, that's all."
"I promise I'll take you and we can get French toast in the middle of the day." I kissed her cheek and slid one of our red pieces into the board, to block April's next move. Games maybe weren't the best idea for us. Neither of us wanted to let the kids play, we were intent on beating each other.
"Sorry about Chuck E. Cheese diva. But I think Uncle Chris' restaurant is a better idea. We're going to the summer carnival tomorrow and I think they have a few arcade games there. And tons of prizes. Dad knows his job is to win us all whatever we want."
"I'll win myself stuff, mom!" Arabella rolled her eyes.
"Even better. You win me something, then."
"You like to beat eve-one at games." I smirked at April from through the Connect Four board, waiting for her reply to that one.
"Not those games. Half are rigged, plus I don't like clowns."
"And it's kinda nice for mommies sometimes, when daddies win them prizes," Dr. Woodall chimed in with a smile.
"Ok, whatever."
"How do you know about arcade places, anyway?"
Arabella got visibly exasperated by my question. "Why'd you and mommy ask that? Jake and Chase goed, OK? They goed with Aunt Kimmie and their daddy and they eated pizza and played and played and played games. I 'member! What's so bad about that?"
"Nothing, but now we're definitely not going. I'll find another place. Maybe we'll rent someplace out for your birthday."
I missed a block while talking and April let Arabella take the move. She found the space all by herself and shoved it in there purposefully, making sure I was watching her while she did.
"What's that supposed to mean, we're 'definitely not going' because my sister took her kids there? Can you get more obnoxious, Jackson?"
"I like Kim enough. Just….him. And she chose him."
"That has nothing to do with where they take their kids to have fun. Plus I chose you."
"It most certainly does. If he thinks it's acceptable, my children will be nowhere near it. And please don't pretend your situation is the same, April. He smacks her around like…"
"You're impossible sometimes. I don't agree with how she handles her situation, but she's stuck. You know that. And it has nothing to do with those kids."
"And neither does this conversation with your daughters, so let's bring it back to them." I hated how often we slipped, lately. I didn't want it to be necessary for us to have a therapist in the room to remind us of that.
"Right, sorry. Mama will take whoever wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese soon," she kissed Arabella's forehead. "But it can't be for the celebration dinner because apparently we have to leave daddy at home."
"Girls Only fun time?" Arabella's face brightened. April's alcoholic sister and her abusive husband was not an appropriate topic right now. But our voices had remained pretty even. Luckily the girls seemed mostly focused on the Chuck E. Cheese piece of it all.
"Yeah, you just told me how much you needed that with your mom and all your sisters, right?"
"Well not the baby. And not Brae if she haves a cast and can't play."
"That's so nice of you to think of Brae, Arabella," April praised. "You've been doing so well, including her lately. So we'll talk about it when the cast is off, OK?" She took the opportunity to alter the angle of the conversation. "She's got a few weeks. Brae had picked April's side, and was sitting in her lap starting around the room a little dazed. She was better than yesterday, but tired.
"You guys have time for one round of something. It's Tenley's turn to pick. Do you want a new game or this one?"
"Guess Who!" She announced with purpose.
April
We started the game together, but then Braelyn decided all she wanted to do was push the people tabs down, frustrating the girls beyond belief. "What do you think you're doing, huh?" Jackson blew a raspberry on her cheek. "You want a cookie? Let's go get a cookie. Mom brought them just for you. Let's take Laidy to the couch and eat a cookie and play with blocks so the girls can finish the game."
As soon as he helped her up she started running, a no-no with her cast on. I couldn't help but laugh. That was our girl. "Hey! No. No! You want to walk, let daddy help you." He caught up to her really quickly and stood behind her to help. Little moments like that warmed my heart so much. There were times while I was pregnant with Arabella and throughout her first year when he swore he couldn't be a dad, that he'd fail. He was flawed, but I'd never say he had failed.
I watched her split a cookie to share with him as soon as he handed it to her, and I couldn't contain myself anymore. "Hey Tee, I'm gonna go play with daddy and the babies because Bellie doesn't have a partner either." She just nodded, barely noticing.
"Uh Oh!" Brae looked down at her cookie and up at Jackson, and then over to me, and back to the half-eaten cookie when I plopped on the couch.
"Uh oh, you want to share, but you can't?" He laughed and kissed her chubby cheek, then handed her the other cookie in the bag. A huge smile lit up her face again. She broke the cookie in half and gave me the bigger piece. Then she reached over to Adelaide, who was propped on Jackson's knee. "No cub. These cookies are yours, for big girls. Can I give it to you?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "Kinda worried she only wants half of one, but she did eat lunch." He'd dropped by and picked her up for lunch after Arabella's individual session.
I shrugged. "So then, maybe she doesn't have a huge sweet tooth at the moment." But he tried again and she did take a bite.
"Scale of one to ten, how mad at me are you?" he asked, while she chewed.
"Six."
"Not bad."
"We shouldn'tve talked about it. They shouldn't be an issue between us."
"But they are, at least a small one."
"Because I miss my sister."
"I know, but…"
"I don't want them around Steve either. But it's rude of you to say that stuff about not wanting to go someplace because he takes them there."
"Maybe irrational too, but I can't help that it's true."
"Really?" I wrinkled my nose, genuinely surprised because I knew he wasn't trying to be nasty.
"He goes to Wal-Mart…Does that mean I can't…."
"Go to Target instead, that's an order!"
"Jackson…"
"I told you, I can't help it."
"Yes you can. You're being rude about money right now."
"Your dad wants a better life for those kids, April."
"I know but…" I looked down and bit my lip, then pulled Brae into my lap and kissed the top of her head. "Nothing is those boys' fault. Not how they act, what they say…be careful about that."
"I don't get her suddenly mentioning them."
"They're her older cousins and they're boys and…I don't know. At the very least she remembers them and wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese."
"Well…"
"She's not. I know. You think I actually want to go into a crowded arcade filled with kids under nine? No way!"
"Noooweee." Brae repeated.
"I'm so happy you finished your cookie, so so happy!" I tickled her.
"Daddy! I winned two times!" Tenley ran to the couch, excited.
"She did. Two times. And Dr. Sarah sayed it's for bigger girls den her. Good job, Tee!" Arabella pat her sister's shoulders, proud.
"Winner high-five…" Jackson turned to Tenley, who smacked her hand against his, hard. "Ow! Looser high-five…"
"Hey!" Arabella hit him harder, offended. "Well, you said you lost. It was just for fun."
"I was very impressed with both of you. That game's five and up." The doctor stood next to me.
"We're fast learners in the Avery house."
"Yup, we done?" Jackson looked up at her expectantly.
She just shook her head, smiling. "Yes, time is up dad. See everyone next week."
He quickly stood up with Brae in his arms. "Forward march you two. No candy this week, but say thank you."
I rolled my eyes at his back when they left. "Sorry about today, I…Should we do that? Leave them alone like that?"
"You'd played three rounds of something and then had an issue to discuss. It's family therapy. It was fine. I would've stopped that argument earlier, but I wanted to see how far you'd go."
I smiled at the baby when she cooed at me from her carrier. "Yeah, we got a little carried away there. Lately we've been arguing in front of them more than ever but…we're trying to stop. And we're…going to see someone for us soon. Robert Whethers? I think Jacks will respond better to a man so…"
"Good, good. I know him. He's great."
I ran to the doorway, embarrassed by my ramble. "I should catch up to them."
"April?"
"Yeah?"
"The girls seem to be doing well, keep it up!" I nodded and smiled in thanks. It felt good to hear that, but I'd caught her careful phrasing.
"How come Braelyn gets evething first? We goed on her ride, daddy winned her toy, she gotted her snack."
"She wasn't born first, which kind of stinks right now. I'd rather she be able to talk than hear you whine."
I smacked him. "This way, she'll stay happy for longer, you know she doesn't understand how to wait as well as you and Tee. And it's just some goldfish and cookies to keep her happy all night because she can only go on that one ride with her cast. We went on it now and then we'll go when we leave and that's it. Are you hungry? Is that what this is?"
"No, I'm not. How come Tenley getsa stroller too? I'm the only one walking." We had countless stroller options, but decided on the double and a single in case Tenley got tired. She decided to eat up some attention and use it right away, which we allowed because it meant one less kid to watch, and the terrain of this carnival was pretty unpredictable anyway.
"Arabella, come on…" I sighed.
"Because that's the way it is. If you don't like it, you can sit in the car."
"Jackson…"
"No. There will be consequences for this behavior if it continues. There's no reason for her to be in a stroller when she can do cartwheels." He leaned over the double stroller he was pushing and smiled at Tee. "Hi princess."
"Hi daddy," she giggled, much to Arabella's dismay. But Jackson was intent on ignoring her. "What do you wanna do now? Game…ride….your turn."
"I'm hungee."
"Dinner's soon but not yet." I knew he suspected Arabella was hungry, too. But right now he didn't want to give in to her and I did want to wait a bit longer to feed them.
"I don't know," she shrugged.
"I know I want to go on The Rocket!" Arabella saw her opening.
"You're not going on The Rocket. Right now you can still pick two rides and two games but not that one."
I cringed, knowing what was coming. If he thought she'd been whining before, she was about to show him what it really was. "Whyyyy not? I wanna go and she didn't pick yet!"
"First of all this is your official warning that if I hear that voice again I'm going to start taking privileges away and give them to your sisters so you'll just have to sit and watch us all have fun without you. Second of all that thing shoots up into the air and these are collapsible rides that this little town rents out. No Rocket."
"There's a kid one, dad!" she tried, fixing her tone and volume.
"Still no. Plus it's not your turn. We'll wait and help Tee pick something."
"Jacks, she's right. There's a little kid version that pops them up a few feet medium speed," I whispered as we pushed, watching Arabella walk a few feet away from us.
"No, April."
"What's your problem?"
"With the rides?"
"Yeah."
"None of these things look safe!"
"My dad? I can do the bouncy castle?"
"No, baby. I'll rent you one soon, on just a regular day."
"What's your problem with that?"
"It's not tied down securely, I saw. Plus, just last week one of those things came up at a carnival near here, blew a few feet. Kids got hurt. It looks familiar too."
I just blinked at him. "Do you really not hear how ridiculous you sound?"
"Don't you want them to be safe?"
"Of course! That's how it always is at these things, though. Everything looks a little sketchy but it's fine!"
"I don't do 'a little sketchy.'"
"What do you do at these things, then?"
"I've never seen 'these things.' Frankly right now, I don't ever really want to again."
"What even…"
"This is something you did with your family every year, yes?"
"The town carnival, yes…"
"Think about it, April…"
"Okaaay, so even if you didn't go with your mom and your town was above something like this, a neighboring town had to have one you terrorized at least one night of your life."
"Nope."
I stopped pushing to kiss him. "Oh, babe. Let us show you what you missed, Ok?"
"Daddy, daddy! I can go fishing?" Tenley interrupted us before he could answer.
"Yes, that I can get behind."
I called Arabella over to us to watch her sister catch plastic magnet fish in a kiddie pool, and noticed the moment she leaned her head against me, grumpy but affectionate, needing an ally. I breathed in the slightly salty air, trying to literally take in the moment. I'd dreamed of moments like this ever since I was a kid. Being a mama at the carnival with my babies.
My dreams were exactly this. There probably weren't as many kids yet, as early in the marriage, quite so young, and there was at least one boy in there, always. But nothing had to be perfect. One could be grumpy, one could have a cast on, one could be too young to communicate much of anything at all. That was ok with me, even in my little girl daydreams. And right now, it felt perfect, just like this. I was only sad that it would be a little bit of work to stay in this feeling all night.
A year ago…well…I'd been here, too. After making my decision at the beach house I had three babies and was somewhere in the first month of my fourth pregnancy, craving all of the 'bad for me' foods I wouldn't eat because if I did, I'd have to share with the kids who would get hyper and not go to sleep for me later that night when I'd still be alone. I'd been as strict as Jackson had about the rides, and adamant that Arabella "act like an Avery," whatever that meant. I didn't have the triple stroller then either, and I remember she ran away from me to go play a game and fell in mud, staining a new dress. I'd taken them mid-afternoon, but that stain is what ended the day. Not necessarily bad behavior, or sickness or fatigue. The stain is what had sent me over the edge.
"I'm using one of my ride turns to watch Arabella on The Rocket, and then it's dinner time daddy. Two people tried to tell you in their own ways, but now I'm just gonna say it for you. We're hungry. Hungry monsters are gonna make Tenley grumpy soon, too, I think."
"No mama! I winned dis mys self." She held out a plush light pink puppy for me to inspect.
"I watched you, good job!"
"Are you mad?" Jackson asked, as we started walking back toward the Rocket.
"Not at all. Just sticking up for a diva who's a little bit hungry and who might be grumpy all night. But she deserves this, she deserves so much fun for more than this one night."
He sighed. "I know….but she can't talk back like she's been. I won't stand for it."
"Ok. But don't actually do the car thing, no matter what. That would make me livid." I knew he would. He would sit in there with her all night until Tenley was tired and I came back. He'd be kind and explain everything and forgive her by bedtime, but he would follow through if I didn't tell him not to. I just didn't feel like getting into my reasons why tonight.
"I don't think I was going to," he admitted. He was unsure. But I knew it was a possibility she's push him to that limit. "But this ride really does scare me."
"It scares Tenley too," I said, not even teasing. "I think Brae would go on but she's too young even uninjured. So stand here with them and wait for us but don't watch. Decide what greasy food you want for dinner. You can get whatever you want," I kissed him when he rolled his eyes at me.
"Sorry mom," Arabella said as soon as we were alone in line. She surprised me, honestly. Whenever she was misbehaving, her mind always went to how much trouble she'd get in, immediately, as was natural when you were four.
"It's Ok, sweetheart. You're hungry and you didn't know it. That happens sometimes. But now you know, so you have to do better, that's all."
"Daddy is mad at me."
"Well, you were misbehaving. But if you say sorry to him like you did to me, everything will be fine." She stayed quiet for a minute.
"He just bees mean to me now." She whispered to the ground. The line was going slow because The Rocket was a one-person deal, and since this one was for kids, most of them had to be talked into it again when their turn came up.
"No he's not. He's being your daddy."
"Yesterday he telled me 'just stop it,' about talking."
"Because you have to listen to the rules more."
"Trying doesn't mean you do it right away. You try and try and try and practice and try and practice and then you do it once and then you try more."
I shook my head at her. "How old are you inside, diva?"
"Just four mom. But I know these things 'cause I go to school."
"It's not that hard to listen to your dad."
"Yes it is if he's mean."
"Daddy loves you so much. It's hard for him to say that."
"But for the babies he plays or kisses dem."
"He kisses you every night."
"Not just when I'm funny like Brae or just because I'm Tenley."
She was describing Jackson's own relationship with his mother, but waiting in line for the Rocket was not the place to discuss this with my four-year-old. I couldn't dismiss her, this was a huge admission. One she'd probably been wanting to tell Jackson since this morning. "He's trying and trying and trying."
It was the truth. Our family was living in such extremes right now. I'd hoped tonight was a moment of balance. A step in the right direction. It was. But every time I thought we were getting closer to…somewhere…something like this happened and added miles on to the messed up family journey. "I promise you, he is, diva. Maybe he just forgets that even big girls need to have fun with him. Real fun, like not a museum, right? Not a pizza party to celebrate graduation?" Both of those events has a purpose beyond just fun, but I also wanted to remind her he was trying and practicing.
"That was fun and we had orange soda."
"See? You know he's trying. But right now, don't think about that, diva," I smiled at the ride attendant. "Think about how awesome it is that you are going to go on this ride and your dad is down there waiting for you to tell him how much fun it is."
"You're tall enough, let's strap you in!" The young lady, whose name sticker told us to 'Call her Chrissy,'" exaggerated her smile and tried to guide Arabella to the harness quickly. I didn't blame her. Carnivals were overwhelming. One in three children probably saw the straps and ran way screaming.
Bellie looked the contraption up and down and then I heard her gulp. "Mama?"
"Yes, baby girl?" I picked my words carefully and eyed Jackson's path here quickly. It was doable in a pinch if he met me halfway with at least Adelaide in his arms.
I gasped at the thought. In that one moment I understood what Bellie's life would always be, even if we did succeed in helping her truly feel her age. Even while in line with her, in this moment sharing this sort of fun, sort of scary experience with her, doing my very best for her, I'd just put her emotional needs fourth. Because of logistics, but it wasn't fair at all. "What do you need?" I'd try my very best, whatever it was.
"I feel bur-flies in my tummy, am I scared?" I breathed a little sigh of relief that it was this easy. My plan had been to part the line in spite of groans so she could get the pep talk from the person she'd always needed it from, no matter what; and then wait on the line with her all night if we had to.
"No, sweetheart. You're not. You're excited and mostly hungry because silly dad didn't listen to me. Look at him down there watching you. See, he waved!" I waved back. Just so she knew. In case she needed to know.
But she barely glanced. "I'm ready. I'm not scared, just hungry," she told Chrissy, sitting down with purpose, ready to be strapped in.
"I'm gonna say three, two, one, blast off and push a button and it's going to take you up and then around twice. The second time's a little faster but I think you can take it. Ready?" She said again when the final strap was on, and waited for both of us to nod. It must be exhausting working these events today. When I was a kid you just got on the ride and went wherever it took you, whether your parents consented or not.
"Three, two, one, blast off!" She pushed the button and my little girl flew up in the air and around and around for 90 seconds and giggled and giggled and giggled. I watched her and caught her laugh, too. It felt good sometimes, to let someone tell you how to feel.
"I'm sorry, daddy. I was just hungry and I didn't know it." Arabella said, when he put her dinner in front of her a few minutes later, including a cup of the orange soda I said I'd split three ways.
"I know you know better! You're acting like a baby tonight, it's not acceptable," He snapped at her and I could tell she immediately started holding back tears. His tone surprised me, too.
"Don't cry, just eat your cheeseburger please. I wanna know how yummy it is in a minute." I got up and pulled Jackson off of the bench, and over to a tree near our table out of earshot of the girls where everyone could see each other.
"I was eating too, and feeding one of those hungry children," he protested.
"You know she's four, not fourteen, right?"
"Yeah, she still knows better."
"Which is why she said sorry. And when your four-year-old baby says sorry for whining when they were hungry you say 'it's ok' and move on with life."
"What's with calling her a baby all of the sudden, she hasn't been since Ten…"
"She is. She's still a child and we have to be fair. You know she was scared for a second before the ride? And when I made sure you had a path to her in case we were allowed to keep our spot I had to think about everyone else first? Because if she needed you, you couldn't really just run and leave three kids behind. But she was the one who needed something. It's pretty much been that way since Tenley was born. She's loved and cared for, but hardly ever put first. Just think about that for a second. She's not even five! Or six or seven. Being first born probably sucks in this respect no matter how old you are but…we've made her be the 'big girl' since before she was two. Don't punish her anymore for needing a turn on a ride and food in her stomach before the carnival with her family seemed fun!"
"You've had that speech in your head for a minute."
"Jackson…" I rolled my eyes and started walking back to the girls.
"Ok, I get your point. I was completely in the wrong here. Wait…" He grabbed my arm and stopped me just out of earshot of the girls. "She didn't want me?"
"No. She said you're just mean to her lately. You snap at her for talking too much." I saw him frown before I headed back to the table.
"I accept your apology, Arabella," he said, when he joined us again. As far as I was concerned, he owed her one, too. But I knew it would never happen.
"I really didn't know I was hungry, dad. The monster was hiding in my tummy this time." That made Tenley laugh, and Brae laughed at the laughing. But Jackson just cringed at the mention. He had to dig deep to get on their level sometimes.
"Ok, well make him leave fast. We only have a few hours here and don't want any monsters making my girls grumpy anymore, everyone understand?" They nodded.
"Kiss her!" I mouthed from my spot across the table. She really needed to know he was putting it behind him. It seemed like a small thing, but for Jackson and Arabella, this incident felt big to me. Something was shifting between them, and it was hard to watch.
"Can I have a kiss?" he asked, which was not ideally how I wish it went down, but I'd take what I could get. She nodded and kissed his cheek. "Can I have French fries?"
"No way! You tell him if he wanted French fries he should've bought them instead of what he bought. You need all that food to fight the hungry monster because we're not getting dessert 'til it's dark out." I was incensed that he'd try to take her food after everything.
She just blinked at both of us, thinking. "Um, can I trade some wif you, what are those?" She looked down at his onion rings, not able to meet his eye in case he rejected her offer. He wouldn't, but just watching her little struggle made me sad.
"Onion rings. Of course you can have some. These are huge though so just one for now, in case you don't like it." He gave her one, and to my delight let the French fry matter drop. He was the adult here, after all. He'd seen what I had.
She took one bite and smiled, loving it. After she put it down, she picked up some French fries and put them on his plate.
"Thanks, sweetheart," he kissed her cheek.
That's when I saw her relax. "His tummy's bigger den mine," she explained to me with a shrug and a smile after.
"Accurate statement. Plus, you are the best sharer at this table. Everyone happy now? I just wanna have so much fun with everyone tonight."
"Us too, mama," she assured me, mouth full of onion ring. "Here Tenley, try dis of mine acause it's good but you can't take daddy's or else he will not get full." She pulled a piece of the onion ring apart, laughing when the batter separated from the onion. Thankfully Jackson steeped in with a knife to help.
I took in the scene at dinner quietly after that, needing some time to store everything I'd learned tonight away and come back to enjoying the peaceful chaos. Arabella seemed fine. After all, she was young and resilient. Perhaps all the tension with Jackson would be forgotten after tonight.
"Daddy, I maked you one and me one. I did it!" My mouth fell open in mock surprise when I saw the sand art Tenley was carrying. Considering the ordeal at her party, maybe I wasn't really faking it. The caricature artist finished drawing Brae and I got up to go pay him, my entire family following behind. I'd been charged with sitting for the picture while April, Bellie and Tee hit the sand art booth. Apparently they'd sat for these pictures before and didn't want another one, but April was desperate for a little cartoon Braelyn with her cast on.
She'd been lighting up all day today, especially after dinner when everyone's mood sorted out. I regretted snapping at Arabella, mostly because it triggered April, although whatever effect it had seemed to be positive for now. I was hard on my oldest, for sure. But at the same time, hungry or not she knew how to behave and I didn't want to make a habit of letting her off the hook. Tantrums had a cut off age, and she was approaching it, if not there already. Tonight, everything was forgotten, though. She deserved a night of fun and laughter with her mom especially. I realized it more and more every time I caught those two in particular looking at each other.
Tenley was having a blast, too. April had eased up on the guidelines she'd set for rides so we wouldn't be here forever, but Tenley only liked one ride. It was this little tiny baby caterpillar rollercoaster with just two hills. She'd made everyone take her on it, including Arabella. The attendant loved her so much he shut the line down and let her go once by herself. I tipped him, but only after it was over. I was happy to see her in particular being brave and bonding with her sisters.
Brae couldn't do much, but we made it a point to focus on activities she could do along with the rides. She seemed to be feeling better, and took cues from everyone else's mood, so she'd been laughing all night. Plus, I'd won her a little lion she would not let go of.
"Should we call it a night, soon?" I asked, putting my arms around my wife as we strolled a row of games we'd passed at least twice before.
"Not yet. I want you to win me that giant unicorn." She pointed to the mega prize at the water balloon darts booth.
"You're the master at darts, win it yourself."
"That takes all the romance out of it!" I detected a little bit of begging in her voice.
"Is it really so romantic for me to pay this guy until I win you that exact stuffed toy thing when you're asking me to do it and you could win it on the first try yourself?"
"For a girl from Moline it is." Almost all of the teasing was gone from her voice now. "Every week in the summer Kimmie would come home with a new stuffed animal from a new guy and a new story about how Chris Stilton beat Steve Tanner to win it for her that week."
"So what? She picked a husband after counting her stuffed animal pile? That actually explains a lot."
April did this sometimes. Told a story about Ohio, usually about what she missed out on, which would inevitably make me feel sad for her and do whatever she wanted me to do. "You didn't marry any of those guys though, you married me. Winning you this now doesn't change your past."
"Please just do it? It's cute! That way we all will have something you won us from tonight to remember it. You even won the baby that little Jacks the piglet."
"Ok, But…Stop with the Kim comparing? Work on it somewhere it's really…" She pushed me toward the booth, annoyed by the seriousness of the conversation.
"I want the big unicorn," she reminded me again. Lucky for her, another woman was doing the same thing to her husband a few feet away. They had two girls around Arabella and Tee's age, too. I couldn't complain anymore. Plus, having an opponent sparked my competitive side.
I popped the balloons to make my boat move and won the game pretty quickly, much to the girls' delight. "Happy?" I asked coming over and wrapping my arms around April, holding on to the huge unicorn.
"Very." She grabbed my neck and kissed me, allowing me to deepen it. "Thank you," she said, when we finally came apart….And then kissed again. "Thank you," she whispered.
"You're welcome," I whispered. She wasn't exactly holding back tears, but she wanted to cry, I could tell. She was happy, they'd be happy tears. But complicated, and she didn't want to confuse the girls. "Stay here a second." I met her gaze and held, aware of our girls in my peripheral vision, content and keeping each other entertained.
April
"Averys! Hi!" A high pitched voice pulled me out of the moment and I turned around to identify the culprit. Linda Melmen. Her husband was must've been the guy playing Jackson. We were both too caught up in our family chaos to notice. "Sorry, I interrupted something…."
"Oh no I…let me just grab the babies and then…" As soon as they saw their friends Cassidy and Isobel, Arabella and Tenley had abandoned their post next to the strollers. "This is my husband, Jackson…"
"Dr. Avery, aren't you a tall drink of water, and you have good aim."
"Hi," he cleared his throat and shook her hand.
"This is Frank." Her husband, who had been gazing off into the background, made awkward introductions.
"Arabella knows Cassidy from school and then Tee and Isobel met when I was picking Bellie up one day, Isobel's just a few months older than her."
"Nice," Jackson nodded, hands in his pockets.
"What are you guys doing here? We haven't run into anyone else from school. This place is kind of tacky. But Frank insisted because of childhood memories, and so I said to him if we had to be here, he might as well win the kids a cheap toy or two. No way they're eating the food or going on rides. At least there's acceptable art projects to do here and there, right?"
"Oh, well….it's kind of a nostalgic thing for me, too." I nodded at Frank in understanding and then over at the giant unicorn in Jackson's arms, which there was no way we could carry the rest of the night. "But Jackson's never been, either. He doesn't really trust the rides, right babe?"
"They were great, sweetheart."
"We could give the girls some animals if…"
"Oh, no. They're ok. We're just waiting for the movie on the Great Lawn to start. The Parent Trap?" She wrinkled her nose. "Apparently it's their favorite. I have to talk to Lupe about how much screen time they have," she said sideways to Frank, who just shrugged.
According to school gossip the Melmen's were "new money." Frank made a fortune in IT somewhere and they moved to the Seattle suburbs to raise kids. I don't think anyone knew much about him, but Linda tried too hard for all of the uppercrust moms at Bellie's school. I caught edges of conversations and was fed tidbits because of my name, I didn't really care what anyone said. I could only imagine the whispers about me after this summer.
Arabella liked her Cassidy enough, although she thought it was "so weird" that her mom always had a salon appointment when they had playdates, and the housekeeper made dinner.
"Anyway, you're welcome to join if…" I knew Jackson's preference, but it had been so long since the girls had seen friends.
"Sure, we'll all go. Let me just grab a blanket from the car and put this thing away," I laughed, gesturing toward the unicorn. "Can the girls have ice cream? I promised my kids, it's better than fried Oreos…I'll grab it and meet you all there."
"Great."
"Get a spot a few feet behind everyone," I whispered to Jackson, when I took the single stroller from him and filled it with things to bring to the car. "Then let the girls go wherever and we'll take the babies and it's…sort of like a little date. Kind of." He rolled his eyes but nodded before going over to tell the girls the plan.
It was late, and I'd probably regret the choice at some point, but I was relaxed and having fun, and feeling blessed seeing my daughters do the same. Plus, I still had a lot to teach my husband about small town fairs. We had to drive about an hour to get here, and I was determined he soak up as much of the experience as his stubborn spirit would allow.
"Funnel cake, zeppole, fried Oreo, fried Snickers." I announced, tossing him the bag when I found him. He was standing with the girls in the stroller, claiming a prime spot, far enough away that we didn't have to engage the movie, but close enough to keep watch on Tee and Bellie with the Melmens.
"That all sounds disgusting." He sat down with Adelaide in his lap.
"Don't care, you're eating it with me and we'll give the cub some Oreo at least. Hi sweetheart," I greeted her, kissing her forehead before letting her down on the blanket with a few toys. She'd been quiet today, willing to entertain herself when not simultaneously amazed and overwhelmed by the carnival in all its lit up glory.
"I don't feel deprived of deep fried Oreo, basketball toss games, or creaky rides that may or may not me safe for children, you know…you don't have anything to make up for, here."
"You haven't had fun?" He put Adelaide next to us in a carrier, making space for me to sit with him.
"Honestly, fun? Not really. But I am happy when you and the girls are happy."
"You didn't have fun on the caterpillar rollercoaster?"
He smirked at me. "I loved seeing my daughter's face light up. The actual ride? Not quite stimulating."
"What's fun for you, Jackson Avery?"
"You know the answer to that."
"A man needs more than sex and sports."
"You're fun, the girls are fun. We have fun."
"That's not the question. I know you're happy when we're happy…It's really bothering me that you can't answer this right now."
"I don't want to start building model airplanes, April. And there was barely time to sit in front of a screen before…now?"
"Now, what?"
"There's even less time. And that's not a negative thing, just…"
"Ok, let me rephrase that then. If today was your choice, and we could go anywhere in the world, what would you take the girls to see to learn more about you?"
"Boston."
"We go to Boston all the time."
"I know, just…for longer."
"Are you saying you want to move there?"
"You asked me a question, I answered it. No, that doesn't mean I want to uproot our lives right now."
"But someday?"
"Can I please change the subject, I have no idea where this is going right now and I don't feel like getting into it while Lindsay Lohan is around."
"Fine, but try this first…" I shoved a piece of funnel cake in his mouth.
"Gross." He spit it into a napkin.
"Liar. Come here Braelyn Audrey, mommy has yummies for you."
"So what is the deal with the Melmens?" He whispered, but just to be sarcastic.
I fed Brae a piece of funnel cake and started cutting up the other stuff. "Nothing. Or, I try not to gossip. All the other moms don't like her but she sure tries hard to make it happen. I feel bad for her. It's all an act. She's a good mom sometimes I bet, I mean, no one else would be caught dead here."
"Do they like you?" He looked down at me and brushed hair out of my eyes. I broke Brae a piece of Oreo and him a piece of Snickers.
I shrugged. "I don't even want them to like me. But they like you."
"Come on!" he started, mouth full of candy bar. "Oh wait…this I can do…"
"Really? You like the Snickers but hate all the rest of it? You are strange sometimes."
He ignored me. "You always…do that. About my name or something. Give it weird credit."
"I'm not giving it or you weird credit, Jackson. These women like to look good, they research their doctors. They come to you. Your family works hard and you really do keep up that reputation. I wouldn't be surprised if the ass lipo you did on Bellie's graduation day was a class mom."
"Can we let the graduation go, tonight?"
"I'm working on it. But that point had nothing to do with you. You asked about the moms. I was serious. Plus you're handsome and I think you actually like me and your kids."
"A little bit." He leaned over me to feed Brae more cookie and gave her an eskimo kiss.
"A lot of moms in that school married for money. Had the kids just because you're supposed to, hired help. They're bored. You're mysterious to them."
He sighed. "I don't ever remember once having a patient who…"
"You wouldn't. You remember meaningful cases. This is the pattern. They namedrop the school their kid goes to, you say you know it. Then, they namedrop Arabella. You say, yes that's why you know it. They mention a time you picked her up, when they happened to feel like picking their kid up, too. Because, as much work as you have to do, at least you've done that sometimes. You don't recall the time they saw you and complimented me. They compliment Bellie. You say 'Yeah, she's a smart one.' And then they give up."
"How do you even…"
"Gossip's a sport. They don't get anything from you at all, so they come to me, relay the story. I say something like 'Aren't they all mysterious like that?' We share a fake laugh, the end."
"How did we get into this conversation again?"
"You asked if they like me."
"Right. How do we get out of it?"
"You recognize that these same women hire nannies to raise their kids so they have time for the eye lift or whatever you give them. Their kids don't come to town fairs. Their dads really don't show up, except the graduation, sometimes. They go to dance and gymnastics and sports and sometimes even museums with the nanny. She teaches most of them how to treat others, not their parents. I don't want that for my kids. Respect that choice."
"I always have. I was raised like those kids. I don't want that for mine."
"I know."
"But…" He stopped himself.
"What? Just say it, Jackson."
"Work. Work also really does make me happy. And it made you happy too. I know we could figure it out if…"
"It's not what makes me happy anymore."
"So, what does then? I'm so glad you had a good day, today. But the carnival leaves town eventually."
"I don't…I don't know yet. Can we just be here, now?"
Jackson
I saw the panic in her eyes immediately. It was the same look that she got when the glass hit the floor at the restaurant. I'd almost forgotten about it all this week. Even after therapy sessions, and arguments. Even though I did catch her taking a few deep breaths when dealing with the girls. I'd almost forgotten what had gotten us here…wherever we were. That panic.
"Of course." I kissed her and felt her relax. "We're just here on this lawn watching this terrible movie we should be making out to instead." Another kiss.
"Ew, ew, ew." Brae crawled over and put her little hand on April's face to try and pull us apart.
"What are you 'ew'-ing, you goose. You don't even know what you're saying. Someone's been hanging out with Arabella too much." She pulled the baby on to her lap. "Someone's getting too much cozying from big sister all day because she's so worried about the cub," she kissed all over her face, making her laugh. "Only Bellie says 'ew' to our kissing, ok? Because no one can change that girl's mind if she doesn't want it changed."
"That's for sure. Want me to go get them? It's late." I was relieved she stayed oriented , and seemed to be fine now. She'd definitely frozen for a minute though; it hadn't been nothing.
"No. Just stay here a few minutes more and watch the movie. Let them be. This is Lohan's best work….well there's Mean Girls too, but this is a close second, at least." I rolled my eyes. "You think I'm kidding? This is a quality film."
"Ok, I believe you." So we stayed there for twenty more minutes. Just me, my wife, and the two kiddos who talked the least. April quietly fed Brae more Oreo. Brae leaned against April and said 'mama' every two minutes, pointing up at the screen because everyone with red hair was named mama in her world. Whenever her real mom stopped playing with her hair she'd look backwards expectantly, perfectly content.I rubbed April's shoulders and glanced in the carrier a few times to make sure Adelaide was all right. It was nice. She was right. I stole a couple kisses in there somewhere and with my eyes closed, it felt like a real date. Kind of.
"Ok, let me get those other monsters," I said, when I saw Brae fall asleep.
"They are awake and they are loving this movie."
"Just gonna bring them back here and wait for them to knock out." She nodded, so I grabbed our garbage to throw out on the way to the Melman's spot.
"Averys, say bye and thank you. Finish watching with us, your sister wants to cozy." A little white lie to make sure exits went smoothly never hurt.
"My sister's arm breaked," Arabella informed her friend. "I will ask my mom if you can come over and do a concert. Bye Miss Melman." Tenley's goodbye was quicker. I thanked the parents, who had sort of glazed, bored eyes, and scooped up my girls.
They squealed too loud. It bothered people, including me because tired girls did not squeal like that. "Shhh. It's bedtime. Go to sleep."
"It's not, dad." Bellie whispered.
"Daddy, I'm not a monkey."
"I just picked you up princess, I didn't hang half of you upside down over my shoulder. Maybe you are a monkey. Uh oh, we were hoping you were Avery, but we didn't know for sure. Guess I'll have to make a call to the zoo tomorrow." That got her to stop.
"I'm a A-very."
"Oh ok, good. Mom will be so happy."
"And you?"
"And me, of course." April shot me a questioning look as I sat them down on the huge blanket. "I thought Tenley might be a monkey in disguise a second, the way she was swinging herself in my arms. But don't call the zoo. She's an Avery, she promises."
"Oh, ok. Good."
"You was wonderin'?" She was smiling, but sometimes it was hard to know when the joke was over for her.
"No. You were in my belly, silly. We're teasing you. Come on, everyone get cozy and watch the movie 'til you fall asleep."
"I won't sleep mom, I like it," Arabella announced.
"Yeah, me too," Tee nodded in agreement.
But a half hour later, every one of them was fast asleep, stacked like dominos on top of us. "Ugh, we have to wake them up twice now, it's already so late," I whispered as we started cleaning up.
"Just once. I packed pajamas. I have to take the babies, there are probably no changing tables in the men's room. You have to help them when it's late like this, OK? Don't snap at them. Then we can just tuck them in at home, they'll be knocked out."
"I'm not going to snap at them, April. Come on."
"Ok! Just…it's been a long time since we had a night like this. I don't know if you've ever been with me when they changed into…"
"Wake up, Bellie… time for jammas. You too princess, wake up. Just a few minutes while we get dressed for bed and then in the car you can sleep and we won't wake you up until morning."
I somehow got them both changed with three of us in one bathroom stall. They were both too tired and disoriented to whine, and started to fall asleep on my shoulder as soon as they were in my arms again.
"Daddy, don't dream of mousies." Arabella mumbled, half asleep.
"Don't dream of mice? Why not? Did you dream of mice?"
"Yeah, they nasty and they try to eat your face."
"My face?"
She nodded against my shoulder. "Yeah, mama save you. I got scared," she said through a yawn.
"Don't get scared in your dreams, just call me."
"I did and you comed but he eated your face."
"Just go to sleep diva. Dream about doing cartwheels on clouds or something." April was waiting for us, Braelyn and Adelaide already sound asleep in the back of the car.
"Horsies….Ice cream," she stammered, eyes closed as I strapped her in.
"Good choice. No more sleep talking, just sleep…"
"Night daddy, you're not a bear…"
"No. I'm just a dad." Responding probably meant nothing, but I couldn't not answer that. I kissed her cheek before going around to put Tenley in.
"She have nightmares, too?" I asked, getting in the car.
April just shrugged, not meeting my eyes. "Sometimes. And she sleep talks. Helps if you tell her she's just like daddy. Sometimes I let her come in bed because it lasts all night. She's never terrified but I like her close to me."
"I never knew…."
"It's rare."
We were quiet for half of the drive, until I couldn't take the tension. "I'm sorry I cut you off back there. Just…it's going to be hard until it ends."
"Until what ends?"
"You knowing every little thing I don't."
"I don't mean this in a bad way…..that will never happen, Jackson. You love them, you know things. But some things, only I'll know. You have to get back to work eventually." I took a deep breath, knowing she didn't mean offense. I also knew I couldn't ask her the one question I wanted to know. When will you get back to work, April?
"I can't believe you thought of everything, today…even pajamas. I didn't think we'd be out this late." I said, after another long pause. "Today was…a lot and you were on top of it. You feel good?"
"I always pack those, just in case. And a bunch of other stuff. I'm good at being their mama."
I squeezed her hand and took my eyes off the road one second to look at her. She was smiling. But something about her eyes felt…different. Empty. "You are."
"I'm glad you're their dad."
"Who else could be?" But that was nearly heading into unspoken territory in this marriage. It was too late for that. And my wife was…somewhere else. "Well, only you could be their mom, anyway. Hey….you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just, like you said…tired." I hadn't said that at all.