Author's Notes: I just realized I can't really write the chapter in advance with the universal phone in operation. It was like "oh yeah, right." Also I was working 11 hour days for two weeks which I both remembered and forgot about.; TFhedn; my; laptfolp; stfartieded; typijngh; lijkeds; tfghijs. I actually have pretty decent excuses this time. Usually I'm all like "meh didn't feel like it." Oh wait, that was most of August. Woops.
I'm back now though. I just got a new keyboard and its typing fantastic. This means I can both log into AND edit my projects before I attempted to release them into the wild… or… something.
Whose Line 2
"Why am I here...?" Prisoner 777 questioned. He was standing in-between Dib and Shloonktapooxis near the center of the stage looking a bit troubled.
"I had to sit Lard Nar out for winning," Duxi responded with a shrug.
The leader of the Resisty was sitting in Prisoner 777's seat and leaning on judge's table.
"Aren't you supposed to do that at the very end of the show?" Dib questioned.
"You've watched it before?" Duxi asked, blinking.
"Well yeah... once..."
Duxi scratched his chin. "Hm...well I don't remember WHEN the trading out part happens, I just remember it happens."
"So this IS a pathetic Earth thing!" Zim stated, gesturing pointlessly.
Red sighed and dragged a hand down his face. "Can't we be done this, like right now?"
"No you can't," Duxi replied as he summoned the microphone to his hand and drifted into the air.
Briiiing! Briiing!
"Oh and look, the phone is going off again!" Duxi remarked and all of the contestants turned to look at the phone's empty pedestal.
"Where is it!?" Gir asked, hopping up and down. The fact he was still in line was pretty impressive, although the Irken secret service was hovering around the robot with high-tech weaponry that for some odd reason resembled sticks of celery.
Briiiing briiing!
Spork sighed, and the phone launched out of a hidden trapdoor in the stage. "What did Miyuki tell you about hiding stuff in me?" he asked.
Duxi grinned and tapped his fingers together innocently. "She said not to?" he guessed because he couldn't remember but she usually said no to pretty much everything he tried to do.
"Aren't you going to answer it you strange talking hologram?" Professor Membrane questioned.
"Is that what he thinks I am?" Duxi spoke, glancing at Dib who nodded and let his shoulders fall.
Really, he should be used to his dad's complete obliviousness by now.
"You shouldn't encourage him," Red insisted, and he glanced at Purple who was standing beside him, staring at nothing in particular. He elbowed Purple who blinked.
"Eh?"
"Aren't you going to agree with me?"
"Why? What did you say?"
Red's antennae fell and he crossed his arms over his chest. "Never mind..."
"I can't just agree with everything you say," Purple remarked. "Some of your ideas are pretty bad."
"Is this about the lasers again?" Red asked, and his antennae fell. "You know those were awesome."
"I'm answering the phone!" Duxi announced, drawing everyone's attention to him… for a moment. Then they all started talking among themselves again. He shrugged as he reached for the phone. Oh well.
"Greeting's everyone from me the great and evil Nightmaster000. For those who don't know I am the one called to offer encourage Red and Purple last time."
Hmm… This was probably another speaker phone moment Duxi decided. Now how did he do this before? Oh right, that button.
"Which reminds me Dib HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A SHE I'M A GUY YOU BIG HEADED MORON. You had better hope you win for your own safety Dib, because if you don't I will find you and send you to a nightmare dimension that would even scar your sister for life."
"I wanna play in a swimming' pool!" Gir squealed as he spun around.
Gaz glanced up from her Gameslave briefly and scoffed. "I doubt it," she muttered.
"Well it's not my fault you sound like a girl…" Dib said.
"Like a mermaid!" Gir agreed before bursting into a giggle-fit. "With polkadot ponies that go like 'baaarghh'!"
"Yeah uh… I might not spend a lot of time around aliens or anything because they're gross, but even I could tell that voice belonged to a guy," Purple remarked.
"Yup," Dwicky agreed, leaning back in his chair. "Maybe you're too young to understand Dib, but when puberty hits a boy's voice begins to change and…"
"Could you maybe not talk about that kind of thing here?" Dib questioned his former school counsellor. "Besides, you don't even know what kind of creature Nightmare whatever is." Did aliens even go through puberty?
Ugh. Now that was a thought that didn't need to happen.
"Hm..? You look upset," Dwicky blinked. "I assure you it's a very natural part of growing up."
"Now it's a shame you're not doing truth and dare," the phone voice continued.
"Eh," Duxi shrugged. "We haven't pulled that one out of the hat yet."
"I dared Zim to kiss Tak and Gaz. I also dared Dib to hug Gaz while saying how he really feels about her."
"You did what now?" Tak asked, glaring daggers at the phone. "Where are you exactly…? Because if I ever find you…"
"You wanted Zim to become a slobbering Slorg beast for the Tak!?" Zim asked loudly as he pointed at the Irken judge. "I am not putting my mouth slobber anywhere near that job stealing dirt sweeper!"
Gaz's eyes snapped fully open. "I can already tell we are never going to get along…" she muttered in response to the caller's comment. "Ever."
"Zim will hunt you down and make you pay!" the would-be invader insisted, waving a fist in the air.
"Ok, ok, no violence towards random callers please," Duxi spoke as he hovered over to the judge's table. Then he whispered in a rather creepy way, "we want them to be our friendss."
"Oh well can't have everything I suppose," the caller stated. "Now to the encouragement. First off to the Tallest you guy's and pretty much your whole race are evil accept it."
Red and Purple both looked at each other briefly before returning their attention to the phone.
"Yeah… a lot of people keep saying that, but I'm not really seeing it," Red remarked with a shrug.
"You conquer planets, enslave people, and slaughter anyone that doesn't work for your Empire," Lard Nar informed them dryly. "How is that not evil?"
"I think I understand," Dwicky spoke as he folded his hands on the desk and leaned forward a bit. "From the sounds of it conquering and slaughter are a part of everyday life for Irkens. I mean if you take someone from birth and raise them to be a merciless killer, then they aren't going to know any better right? I guess what I'm saying is children are pretty receptive. They learn what they see, and if all they see are people getting enslaved and slaughtered then that becomes normal."
"I think killing aliens is ok because that's what my programming says," Larb insisted from his spot in the audience, shooting down Dwicky's thoughtful theory.
"Ha!" Zim laughed as he crossed his arms and shook his head. "Poor foolish Larb. There are bazillions of mistakes in those programs."
Red's antennae flattened, and Purple's eye twitched in annoyance.
"I'm pretty sure it's a program thing, and not whatever that Earth-creature said," Red stated.
"Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with the programs," Purple remarked. "So if our programing is evil to you then whatever. That's your problem."
"Are you guys like… computers?" Shloonktapooxis asked squinting an eye.
Red nearly rolled his eyes. "No, we're not computers. We've just got computer parts… so… wait, I don't know how that works. Why am I trying to explain it?"
"Well it's your society, and your bodies" Dib told them. "You should know how both of those things work."
"Says the little human smeet," Red retorted. "You don't even have half your body yet."
"What?" Dib blinked. "I have my whole body!"
"Now that's just sad," Purple remarked, shaking his head.
"There are big gaping holes in the programs!" Zim insisted. "That's why nothing makes sense!"
"We're not going to say it again Zim!" Purple spoke sounding exasperated.
"There are NO problems with any of Irk's programs!" Red insisted strongly. "The only thing wrong with Irk is you!"
Zim must have suddenly remembered who he was talking to. "Whatever you say my Tallest." Then he whispered to himself rather loudly, "for now!" Although he was thinking that the Tallest were in fact horribly wrong, saying something like that would probably cause his pak to explode or something… or not. But still.
He probably shouldn't have said the last thing either, but meh.
The caller continued: "To Zim you are the most insane being I've ever heard of. From what I understand you've not only killed two of your past leader's Miyuki and Spork, but also nearly wiped out your own race more than once. I'm impressed it warms my cold dark heart to see someone as twisted and evil as you cause misery to others keep up the great work."
"Yes! Zim is an evil genius!" the small Irken shouted, raising his fist in the air. "No one is more EVIL and AMAZING than Zim! No one!" He grinned.
"You're still planning to doom him aren't you?" Dib questioned the small Irken.
"They shall feel my wrath!"
"Ok… I think he's talking about multiple people now…"
"My evil will crush you!"
"At least he knows he's evil…" Lard Nar spoke, glaring at the Tallest.
"Even by our standards he's messed up though," Red remarked rubbing his temples.
"If he's so 'messed up,' why did you make him an invader in the first place?" Dib questioned, rolling his eyes.
"Because we wanted to keep him away from us," Red remarked.
"Duh," Purple added.
"Don't you have a prison for that?" Dib asked.
"We are never letting Zim go anywhere near Vort ever again!" Red insisted strongly. "Even with all of the guards and the other things we put in there to make sure no one escapes." He pointed at Lard Nar. "Even then some of the annoying ones still got out, and Zim, he's stupid but he'd find a way out anyway."
Dib sighed. "But why did you have to pick Earth?"
"That was an accident," Red admitted. "We weren't really sure if there was a planet there or not."
"Yeah, it's your fault your planet was inhabited," Purple remarked. "If it hadn't been, Zim would have flew right past it and we would have been rid of him forever."
"That's just..." Dib began.
"Guys, the phone!" Duxi butted in.
"Now to everyone as a whole I have this say. Please for the sanity of the universe DON'T LET GIR WIN. I'm evil but even I wouldn't condemn the universe to that fate. I also want to say that this has to be the most entertaining competition I've ever seen. Watching people get tortured and killed over and over again. Now that's entertainment. That's it for now everyone remember evil rules."
Click!
The call ended and the dial-tone started.
"Well, you heard the evil person on the evil phone," Duxi commented as he slowly drifted back onto the stage. "Don't let Gir's fabulous acting destroy the universe! You guys have to win Whose Line now ok? So let's get started with a game called Party Quirks! Everyone…" Ring! Riiing!
"But… but it hasn't even been hung back up yet…" Dib said, letting his shoulders sag in disbelief.
"If this keeps us from doing these stupid contests, I'm all antennae," Red remarked, crossing his arms.
Then Dib realized his dad hadn't said anything yet. He turned to where the professor had been standing and found the man collapsed on the stage and starting to mummify again. Dib blinked. Maybe his dad was under a curse or something…
"You know it's just prolonging the wait, and that the contests are inevitable right…?" Prisoner 777 spoke, sounding nervous. Since he'd been forced to watch the contestants die or get maimed in horrible ways he wasn't looking forward to actually competing.
Duxi landed on the floor and walked over to the ringing phone. He tapped it with his finger, and a voice started talking on the other end.
"Heyas, everyone!" this new caller greeted. "How're you enjoying the little Torture-Chamber-er, I mean, CONTEST! Yeah... Anyways, all of us freaks out here in Fan-fiction-Land are really enjoying this! ...Kind of sick, eh?"
"I've read worse!" Duxi commented rather loudly and blatantly.
"Does a dimension where people write things about us really exist.. I mean really?" Dib asked the Vortian poser who turned to him and grinned.
"Of course it does," he answered. "I showed you didn't I? I also got those pictures from deviantart with you and Zim and..."
"Yes yes! I remember!" Dib spoke quickly, cutting off the host.
"I got pictures of me and masta too!" Gir gushed, hugging himself happily.
"Er… what kind of pictures…?" The boy asked with some hesitation.
"I'mma show you!" Gir announced as a whole bunch of pictures of him making Zim eat waffles burst out of his head. "See!? I made waffles!"
Zim snatched one of the pictures out of the air and took a good look at it. "I remember this! It was horrible!"
"I'll make more later ok!?" Gir squealed.
"No Gir!" Zim snapped as he dropped the photo. "No more waffles!"
"Waffles!" the little robot shouted happily.
"That reminds me! Spork! I TOTALLY LOVED your Nightmare Machine idea! GREAT FUN, I'd try that thing out in a heart-beat!" the caller remarked.
"Well I'm glad someone thought my idea was good," Spork-floor remarked. "Apparently not many people in the audience did. Miyuki even threatened me with ghostly-harm for breaking some sort of pg 13 thing, but I didn't do anything except crush a few of the contestants mercilessly and then hook them up to the machine. The contestants were the ones who were thinking those horrible things, not me."
Red and Purple both scowled down at the floor. "You're really going to blame us for that?" Red questioned. "Really?"
"Yes," Spork-floor stated. "It was your nightmares. I just provided the machine to display them... and I guess it did kind of invoke your nightmares, but they were still YOUR nightmares."
Lard Nar held his head as he tried to suppress the horrible memories. "Never again…" he mumbled.
The voice from the phone continued: "Also, some little-known facts: The "kittens" you guys encountered earlier were actually the domesticated variety of cats. The wild kind wouldn't take too kindly to people...! Actually, the domestic kind don't take too kindly, either, unless they're socialized from a young age...even if they are, they can be vicious when they're on the attack! ...Okay, never mind! Domestic housecats are also dangerous little housemates to have!"
"Oh come on," Dib spoke in exasperation. "House cats aren't dangerous."
"Says you Dib-thing," Zim remarked, not sounding at all convinced. "Zim saw those claws! They were made to kill!"
"As much as I hate agreeing with Zim… I'm going to… this once… agree…" Red said, although saying it seemed like a very difficult thing for him to do. "The claws on those things and the teeth definitely didn't spell out "harmless."
"Yeah, it was definitely a small furry killer," Purple agreed.
"They're so cute and fluffy and squishy!" Gir cheered as he hopped around. "They make a good ta…"
"And also, just to horrify everyone," the caller interrupted. " ...I also like to write pairing stories! My favorite one is DaTr! *Evil winks* Oh, you just KNOW certain people are going to have nightmares, now! *Laughs* LET THE HORRIFYING MENTAL IMAGES COMMENCE! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!"
Click. Beep.
The dial tone seemed to be broken all of a sudden, maybe from the maniacal laughter?
"Should I ask what DaTr is?" Dib questioned after a short while.
"Nah," Purple responded.
"Better not," Red added.
"I can tell you!" Duxi remarked.
"NO!" all of the contestants and at least half the audience shouted in unison.
"Oh fine…" Duxi relented as he summoned the microphone back into his hand. "Then let's start the next Whose Line skit! This one is called Party quirks and it's for Red, Dib, Shloonktapooxis, Gir and Prisoner 777."
"Yaaaaaaah!" Gir yelled as he ran into the end of the stage. "I'm gunna be the best butterfly!" Then he leaped into the audience.
"My face!" a blob alien cried.
The Irken secret service dove in after the robot and started chasing him all over the place.
It took them three hours to finally catch the tireless robot.
"Ok, let's continue!" Duxi said, unfazed. "While they were doing that everyone got their characters already." Professor Membrane had also been revived and he had joined Purple and Zim who'd been forced to sit in the audience.
"We got them three hours ago," Dib stated, and he sighed.
"Yeah, right," Duxi agreed. He floated down from the ceiling. "Alright, so the contestants are going to act out this crazy party scene with the roles they've been given. Prisoner 777 is hosting the party, so it's going to be his job to guess who everyone is. When I push this button," he held up a button. "It will make a doorbell noise altering the next actor that he may begin acting. Dib gets to start. Everyone understand?"
"EEee!" Gir squealed from the cage the Irken secret service trapped him in. "I'm a ferret!" He started gnawing on the bars.
Red sighed and crossed his arms and his antennae flattened in irritation. "Let's just get this over with…"
Duxi pushed the button.
DING DONG!
Dib approached Prisoner 777 ignoring the invisible door, and walls.
"Oh uh… I guess I left the door open…" Prisoner 777 commented, rubbing the back of his head. "So er… thanks for coming. I know it was a bit short notice."
-Crazy Gibberish-Talking Panda-
Dib glared at Duxi who shrugged his shoulders. "Believe it or not, I didn't write those." He gestured at Dwicky, Lard Nar, and Tak. "They did."
The boy sighed as he returned his attention to Prisoner 777 who was clasping his hands together nervously. He also kept glancing all around him as though he was expecting another mutant-lizard or zombie attack or maybe even an explosion or two.
"Hothagey alothagien…" Dib began sounding unsure as he sat down on the stage. He was a bit rusty with his gibberish considering the only time he ever tried speaking it was when he thought he could use it to communicate with younger ghosts.
Prisoner 777 stared at him for a moment. "Ok… I have no idea what you just said… but uh… hi."
He didn't want to crawl around, so Dib stayed where he was and placed his hands flat on the stage as he leaned forward a bit. "Iothag Dothagon't knothagow whothagat tothago sothagay nothagow."
"Yeah um… there's uh… food somewhere probably…" Prisoner 777 tried as he rubbed the back of his head.
DING DONG
"I'll uh, just go get the door," Prisoner 777 said as he hurried to answer the invisible door.
Red stepped through the invisible opening and crossed his arms over his chest.
-Being Controlled by someone who can't decide whether or not to fast-forward, rewind, or pause him-
"Hey uh… how was the flight?" Prisoner 777 tried. At least he was actually trying.
"It was terrible," Red stated flatly as he strode into the invisible house. "The air-traffic was crazy busy like some stupid guy couldn't decide where he wanted to land or..." he froze in place for a moment. Then he started up again in reverse, walking backwards. "land to wanted decide stupid," he said quickly just as he made it to the door. Then he walked forward again. "like some stupid guy couldn't decide where he wanted to land or something." he finished, proving that when he tried he actually wasn't a bad actor.
Prisoner 777 blinked up at him before nervously looking down at the floor. "That's too bad... um... at least you're here now." He turned to the invisible table. "Did you want something to drink? I've got this punch bowl... I uh... think it's leaking."
Red turned to Dib who was doing a good job of avoiding walking on all fours, for now.
"I have a strange feeling you probably walked here."
Dib offered a nod.
Ding Dong!
"Oh, uh, coming," Prisoner 777 said as he placed the invisible leaky punch bowl back on the table and hurried to the door.
-A serial killer who's plotting to kill everyone in a different and unique way-
Gir cartwheeled into the invisible house. "Yaaay! I got a watermelon!" he exclaimed happily before rolling into the curtains.
"That uh..."
"Herolledouthtebackdoor," Red spoke quickly as he hurriedly paced back and forth.
"hothagopefothally hothage iothags othagk," Dib spoke, tilting his head and squinting at the invisible back door.
Then Gir bounced back to the middle of the stage and wrapped his arms around Dib's neck. "I LOVE TO SQUISH YOU LIKE A MELON!" He shrieked as Dib struggled to free himself from Gir's strangle-hold.
"Err..." Prisoner 777 glanced at Red who was frozen in place, staring at Dib who was turning blue in the face as he tried to dislodge the robot.
Ding dong!
Prisoner 777 left everyone to answer the invisible front door.
-A zombie caught in a barbed wire fence-
"Urgh?" Shloonktapooxis groaned sounding unsure as he drifted into the invisible house. He stopped, looked around, and then promptly floated upwards out of sight.
"I uh…" Prisoner 777 blinked. "Huh…"
"He doesn't know what a barbed-wire fence is does he?" Duxi whispered to Lard Nar.
"I guess not…" Lard Nar responded as he stared up at the place Shloonktapooxis disappeared. Maybe there was an attic or something because no one could remember the rafters being that high.
"I guess it would have been better if Miyuki got you guys to run that gauntlet before she left after all," the Vortian poser commented a little louder.
Lard Nar gave him a side-ways glance. "What do you mean?" he questioned.
"What?" Duxi said feigning surprise.
"I uh… was he a balloon…?" Prisoner 777 asked pointing up at the ceiling.
"Are you blind?" the ceiling asked. "I'm a ceiling."
"Not you," the wall remarked. "He's talking about that purple cone fella."
"Oh. My bad."
"Well the guess wasn't terrible considering what happened," Duxi stated shrugging his shoulders. "But why don't you try guessing someone who's actually doing good?"
Dib was lying passed-out and possibly murdered in the middle of the stage while Gir set his sights on Red who was standing nearby in a frozen state. He wasn't even blinking. He even managed to remain still when Gir launched himself right into the Tallest's face, knocking him down and maybe even killing the tall Irken instantly… maybe.
"I wanna chew you like a biscuit!" Gir announced as he grinned. Then his eyes glowed red and missiles popped out of his body and aimed at the poor unwilling Vortian participant who collapsed on the ground and covered his head. "Enemy threat has been detected," Gir droned.
"Omgosh…." Prisoner 777 mumbled. "I'm dead… so dead… the robot is killing everyone…"
"And what do you call someone who does that?" Duxi hinted from where he was floating.
"Uh… uh death machine?" Prisoner 777 spoke, too afraid to stop cowering.
"Locked on target…" Gir's cold metallic voice stated.
"Someone, not something," Duxi pointed out happily.
"A killer…?" Prisoner 777 tried just before he was blown up by three or four missiles.
"Yay! You're right!" Duxi cheered throwing his arms up. Then he stared at the char marks in the floorboards where Prisoner 777 had been just a second ago.
"I... I'm never going to be able to look at that robot the same again..." Purple admitted, letting his mouth hand open for a sec as his antennae drooped.
"I turned 'im into a biscuit!" Gir exclaimed cheerfully as his eyes turned blue and he stuck out his tongue.
"HA! Feel the power of my mighty minion!" Zim shouted from his spot in the audience.
"It killed the Tallest!" Larb stated irritably.
Zim waved him away. "Details, details…" The other Irkens glared at him. "Er… I mean… that was wrong Gir! How dare you kill the Tallest!? I will make you pay!"
"But I spent all the monies I took on ketchup and fries!" Gir announced.
"You took the monies under the gerbil cages!?"
"Yes!"
"CURSE YOU!" Zim yelled as he stood up on his seat and pointed dramatically at his robot minion. "You are a terrible minion! No more late night TV for you with those horrible mind-melting car ads!"
"But… but I got candy too!" Gir tried, sniffling.
"Eh… fine," Zim decided as he sat back down. "It's not like I can hide anything from you anyway since you insist in crawling in the walls and ceilings!"
"So… are you going to make him pay for killing Red?" Purple asked Zim.
"I would my Tallest, but you heard him. He has already spent all of the monies."
"I'm giving Red the most points," Duxi quipped. "If that makes you feel any better."
"It doesn't…" Purple responded, crossing his arms.
Bring briiiing bring!
"Oh boy!" Duxi clasped his hands together. "The phone is ringing again!" He took a quick glance at the dead contestants. "It might be for one of them, so I think I'll stall for a bit until I can get them alive again."
He brought Youtube up on the big screen using his laptop he materialized out of thin air. "So who wants to watch cute kitten videos!?"
The remaining contestants and most of the audience groaned in disdain.
More Notes: What to expect next time (in another three months or so). (I kid, I kid… probably):
Press-conference
Maybe the Hodown maybe.
Also it is the LAST chapter for the Universal phone, so if you want to vent your frustrations, threaten, congratulate, encourage, question, or request something from one of the characters, then please do so now of forever hold your piece. Peace? Piece. Puzzle piece!
Also I know I missed one of the calls this time. This chapter was getting a bit long. I shall include it next time. (I am planning this next next time to be sooner than the last next time).
Until then, bye.
...
I can type again!
I can friggin type all of the edits and author's notes!
Ok I'm good. Bye for real.