WARNING/S: Implied depression, crack-ish, suicidal thoughts
A/N: A line with Gandalf's POV was from another fic that I can't remember right now. Please, if anyone recognized it, tell me so I could credit it!
Thank you so much for all the comments, favorites, follows, kudos (FREAKING 1200) and bookmarks! I really love reading your comments and actually, I get some of the ideas of the next chapters from you guys. Also, thanks for everyone who corrected my grammar in the last chapters!
DISCLAIMER: I butcher up the English language and the British accent and you think I'm Tolkien? NO, I'M NOT. (Psst, I am Tolkien only in my dreams)
NOTE: Italicized parentheses (in Bilbo's letter) are supposed to be STRIKETHROUGHS but fanfiction doesn't allow strikethroughs apparently. It would have been much more neat :'(
Enjoy~
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
Since it was most likely his last night in the magnificent valley, Bilbo wasted no time sightseeing once more. This time, however, he choose to explore the nearby hallways, walkways, and statues. Thorin's earlier warning still rang in his ears, sending pangs of anxiety in his spine. Stupid, stubborn, narrow-minded dwarf.
He leaned against the railings of a balcony, admiring the plethora of stars twinkling in the night sky. They looked like decorative glitters a child spilled on a dark blanket. Bilbo should know; he'd once been scolded for a similar incident.
He beamed, eyes gleaming with the moonlight. The stars from this view were definitely clearer and plentiful than that in the Shire. But Bilbo was glad to note that could still see the outline of Stingy Badok Baggins who hoarded money like hobbits hoarded food. His father narrated, several times, how Stingy Badok died literally swimming in gold but had no one to arrange his funeral because he deserted all his friends and family for the sake of wealth. Badok (whose surname, Bilbo later learned, changed depending on the fauntlings listening) taught children to value family over anything (except, perhaps, food but that was another tale entirely).
Bilbo lifted his hale arm and traced the familiar paths his father once shown him. He was knocked out of his reverie by familiar voice.
"Of course I was going to tell you. I was just waiting for the right chance." Gandalf argued into the night air. "And really, I think you can trust what I'm doing." He sounded offended at the implication he was anything but trustworthy.
The hobbit dropped his arm, gaze going to find the owner of the voice. Gandalf was apparently accompanied by Lord Elrond; both strolled purposefully on a narrow railless bridge just below Bilbo's balcony.
"Do you?" The hobbit couldn't see Lord Elrond's expression from afar but judging by his tone, he was very much doubtful of the wizard himself. "That dragon has slept for sixty years. What if your plan should fail? If you wake that beast?"
Really, the acoustics of this place was quite terrible. Anyone could eavesdrop on any conversation! Just like what Bilbo was doing, apparently. But it wasn't his fault! Why, the both of them should lower their voice if they didn't want to be overheard.
(Also, most hobbits had an innate nosy side, although Bilbo would preferred the term 'overly curious'.)
"But if we succeed! If the dwarves take back the mountain, our defenses in the East would be strengthened," Gandalf replied, pointedly ignoring Lord Elrond's concerns instead of addressing them.
Ah, so even the wizard had ulterior motives for helping in the quest. Bilbo wondered what the Company would make of that.
"It is a dangerous move, Gandalf."
"It is also dangerous to do nothing!" Gandalf exclaimed, thumping his staff on the ground. "The throne of Erebor is Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?"
"Have you forgotten?" Lord Elrond hissed, halting their walk. Bilbo leaned forward because the lord's voice abruptly dropped into low tones. " . . . madness runs deep in that family." Master Oakenshield's? "His grandfather lost his mind. His father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear the Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall?"
Madness? Bilbo frowned. He had read some illnesses passed from parent to child but never some kind of insanity! What kind of madness would be so potent that Lord Elrond fear it passing onto a third generation?
The hobbit caught a small movement at the corner of his eye. He shifted his gaze and almost jumped out of his skin.
"Sweet Yavanna," he breathed out, placing a hand over his pounding heart.
Standing a few feet away and what Bilbo initially thought was the ghost of some vengeful spirit was one brooding Thorin Oakenshield. Judging by his tightly clenched fist and stiff posture, he had been there for quite some time.
Awkward.
Bilbo's nose twitched and he looked away.
Lord Elrond and Gandalf exchanged more vehement words and their voices slowly tapered off as they climbed a very tall tower.
Both the dwarf and the hobbit were left with an edgy silence between them.
Finally, Bilbo cleared his throat. "Well—"
"We're leaving, Burglar," Thorin said curtly, spinning on his heel and stalking away.
And Bilbo was left with several questions buzzing in his mind.
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
Dealing with the White Council had been one of his least favorite responsibilities. Lady Galadriel was, of course, pleasant as always. One could often expect Lord Elrond to be mostly cordial.
Saruman had constantly been the problem. If Gandalf didn't know better, he would think that the White Wizard lived only to contradict every little thing he said or did.
Even with the malevolent Morgul Blade revealed to him, Saruman refuted each and every claim of a darkness encroaching upon Middle Earth. Gandalf didn't know if the White Wizard was simply turning a blind eye or he truly didn't notice the evil machinations working in the background.
"The question of this dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I am not convinced Gandalf. I do not feel I could condone such a quest," Gandalf also suspected Saruman really liked the sound of his own overconfident voice.
Gandalf resisted the urge to roll his eyes and retort a cheeky remark. It would only encourage the other wizard.
"They are leaving." Lady Galadriel's voice, even in his own head, was the reprieve Gandalf sought.
"Yes," the Grey Wizard replied even though he knew the lady did not need the confirmation.
Lady Galadriel shot him a knowing look, lips curling upwards at the corners. "You knew."
The Grey Wizard gave a look equivalent to a shrug, smiling slightly. Then, abruptly, the lady's disposition changed into a tensed grievous one. "They have taken the hobbit with them."
Before Gandalf could inquire upon such a strange remark (Of course, they're taking Bilbo. Where else would he go?), Lindir entered and disrupted their meeting.
"The dwarves . . . They're gone," The elf informed them, looking quite nonplussed.
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
The ridges around the surrounding hills ("They're too small to be mountains, Bilbo!") were narrow and quite unstable but the Company had to make do. Climbing up the rocky pathways leading out the hidden valley, Bilbo just couldn't resist a last look.
Rivendell was as breathless a sight as he first saw it. The early morning sun casted the valley in such a soft inviting light. The pang that went through his chest could be something akin to homesickness. But just like Bag End, he could not let the thought of home lure him away from a more permanent peacefulness. He released a soft sigh.
"Master Baggins."
Bilbo startled because the voice and the words didn't belong together. He turned and realized the rest of the Company had already trudged past him and he was now on the rear.
"I suggest you keep up." Thorin demanded—well, excuse him—suggested in his usual derisive tone.
"Why, Master Oakenshield," Bilbo's Took side decided he's tired of taking all of this lying down. His inexplicable bad mood might have also contributed to it. "'Master Baggins'? No 'Burglar' or 'Halfling'?" He grinned, all teeth and no humor. "I do believe I'm growing on you." Bilbo managed to bit back a I can't say the same about you but only just.
With that, the hobbit pushed past the shocked dwarf.
Thorin glowered fiercely while the dwarrows nearby snickered like tweens.
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
Lord Elrond had departed without preamble, demanding Lindir to explain the situation. Saruman had followed not long after, sending Gandalf one last venomous glare.
At last, only the Grey Wizard and the Lady of Lothlórien were left bathing in the warm glow of the sunrise.
Gandalf listened to the words of wisdom, of encouragement, and of warning the Lady Galadriel imparted. His gift of prophecy might be little and lacking but he knew, through years of experience, to trust whatever vague visions he saw or ambiguous voices he heard. Although he was quite confident, a little assurance from Lady Galadriel, blessed with the powers of prophecy herself, would not be unwelcome.
He thanked the elf with a bow and turned to leave, wanting to delay no longer. But Lady Galadriel seemed to have other plans for she called to him once more.
"Mithrandir." Gandalf glanced back at her. "Why the Faded hobbit?"
The wizard had already opened his mouth, had already a deep meaningful answer ready at the tip of his tongue because he had a feeling he would be asked. However, as the full question sank in, all that came out was a breathy, "What?"
The elf seemed astonished. "You did not know."
"Faded?" Gandalf unconsciously took a step towards her, staff hitting the ground with a loud thwack. "Bilbo Baggins is Faded?"
Lady Galadriel nodded solemnly. "His spirit is dying. If he does not get proper treatment, his body will soon be too." A tiny frown appeared between her brows. "I have wondered why you let him leave with the dwarves."
The wizard let out a shaky breath, eyes unfocused. How had he not noticed? All this time, the hobbit acted fussily, politely, timidly, and kindly—all things normal hobbits did! But no, looking back on it, there were signs—little almost imperceptible signs that Gandalf had disregarded, had ignored, had chalked up to Bilbo's mixed heritage. Had he led to hobbit to a path that would doom them all?
"I . . . I must go," he said curtly. The wizard needed clarify and see for himself. Yes, his gift of prophecy was small but he did know this; with Bilbo Baggins they may yet fail but without him, they most assuredly would. What were the Valar planning, sending a Faded hobbit to a stressful journey? Gandalf felt a chill at the back of his spine, suspecting that he might not like the answer to that.
The lady nodded. "Of course. And Mithrandir." Before Gandalf could turn away again, she reached out to grasp his hands with both of hers. "If you should ever need my help, call for me and I will come," she vowed with unadulterated earnestness.
Despite his recent discovery, Gandalf couldn't help but smile. "Thank you, my Lady."
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
To Lord Elrond,
Since I know few, if not none, of the Company are willing to say it, I will; we thank you for your hospitality these past two days. For me, it has been a most enlightening and most enjoyable experience. (How did chrysanthemums) (I want to take the library) Rivendell has met and exceeded all my expectations of it. You have our gratitude for graciously accommodating such impolite guests. (We apologize for sneaking out)
That aside, the main purpose of this letter is actually to address the issue this morning. I truly am sorry for my outburst. (But you were prying) I would rather apologize in person but since we are leaving, I can only apologize in paper. I know you were only concerned for my well-being. (Why? We met just a day ago. I don't understand) You're right in your assessment and I suppose I lashed out because of that. No one has ever find out this truth about me (and it feels often like a shameful secret I must keep) and I became scared. I know this is no excuse for my rudeness but I hope to earn your forgiveness all the same.
(Since it is unlikely that I will ever come back in Rivendell and as a way to apologize, I want to give you the truth.) (Thank you for everything. Tru) (Since it is unlikely that I will ever come) (That is all I want to say. Tha) (Since it is)
Since it is unlikely that I will ever come back in Rivendell and as a way to apologize, I want to give you the truth. (A permanent sol) I do wish to die and that is the main reason why I joined this adventure. I knew it will be full of perils that will inevitably and certainly kill me. It is the reason I cannot stay in Rivendell (no matter how I wish it). I know you are disappointed but I do not want to be cured. Death has been and always will be the right solution for me.
Thank you for everything, my Lord. I wish you well and the Valar be with you.
- Bilbo Baggins
Elrond folded the letter, expression pointedly blank.
The idea did cross his mind but because he deemed it too incredulous to consider. Bilbo Baggins had continued to surprise him at every turn, he thought grimly.
Mithrandir had been pale when he left and Elrond learned from the Lady Galadriel what had transpired. Elrond knew not what the wizard planned to do now that he found out about the hobbit's condition. Mithrandir was by no means cruel but the lord recognized, as members of the White Council, that they had to look and worry about the bigger portrait. And judging by Mithrandir's actions, Bilbo Baggins was definitely part of that bigger portrait whether the hobbit wanted to be or not. He would not be willing to place the needs of the one above the needs of the many.
Elrond could not interfere nor help any longer now that the company of dwarves were out of his lands.
But mayhaps there was someone still who can.
He contemplated for several moments, weighing the consequences of his action or inaction. In the end, it was Gandalf's own words from the night before that tipped the odds; It is also dangerous to do nothing!
He wrote a brief letter and called to his merlin. The bird flew at his command, landing on a nearby dais. Tying the parchment around the one of its feet, he murmured a name and a land. Immediately, the merlin's wings fluttered in agitation, beak letting out an indignant squawk.
Elrond smoothened its feathers in a soothing manner. "I know it is a long and dangerous journey but you must go. You are the only one capable." He softly patted the top of its head. "I trust you to ensure the message will reach him."
The bird let out what might have been a huff had it been human. It glared at the elf with beady black eyes. Then, without further ado, it spread its wings and flew into the sky.
Elrond watched it go, sincerely hoping he would not come to regret his decision.
❤•°o.O`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´ ◇ⓛⓞⓥⓔ◇ `•.¸¸.•´´¯`••.¸¸.•´´¯`•´O.o°•❤
A/N: Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are because I'm a lazy bum (and also because English ay hindi ang wikang kinagisnan ko ;)).
Yeah, y'all know where that merlin was sent. If ever, it would appear again later. And initially, I wasn't going to have scratches on Bilbo's letter but then I realized I needed to show that Bilbo was hesitating in telling Elrond the truth. So tah-dah!
Um, so bad news. I may not be able to update for a while because I've lost my muse (again, ugh). It may come back or it may not. Don't worry! I'll watch/read some angsty hobbit fanvids/fanfiction to bring it back.
Constructive criticisms are welcomed! Kindly point out any glaring errors!
Have a brilliant day!
~ Vividpast