Chapter 25: Fears

L woke up when he heard Hana banging around in the kitchen just after 7 AM. The curtains hardly blocked out any light and he put his arm over his eyes to shield them from the early morning sunshine. He managed to drift into a kind of half sleep until the doorbell rang, startling him into full consciousness. L didn't get up until Hana left the house at 8:15.

After using the bathroom, he staggered into the kitchen. The coffee maker was a different model and it took him about a minute to figure out how it worked. Yawning, he sat down on the chair to wait. That's when he noticed an overnight bag on the table along with a note in a loopy cursive script. It said: Ryuuzaki- Your butler dropped off some supplies for you. There's also a box of cinnamon rolls in the fridge. Have a nice time with Aya. There was a winking face drawn after that line.

He pulled the bag over and unzipped it. Inside were two changes of clothes, two pairs of boxers, pajama bottoms, and a T-shirt. L had been wondering last night what he was going to wear so he was thankful that Watari had anticipated this problem.

When the coffeemaker stopped, L went over to the fridge to get out the creamer and cinnamon rolls. He put two on a plate and pressed the 30 second button on the microwave to heat them up. Then he prepared his coffee, adding an extra spoonful of sugar since the mug was larger than what he normally used.

When L bit into his warm pastry, the frosting got all over his mouth and fingers. *Ah, this is heaven,* he thought as he chewed. Ciel jumped onto one of the free chairs and gave him a pitiful whine.

"Are you begging?" he asked the Himalayan cat.

Ciel replied in the affirmative and L laughed, holding out a frosting covered finger for him. But he took one sniff of the sugar and turned his head away.

"That's fine, more for me," L said aloud. He licked his fingers clean and started devouring the next cinnamon roll.

He washed his hands and then poured himself another cup of coffee, carrying it into the living room. Ciel followed after him and jumped onto his lap. L scratched behind his ears and asked, "You really like me, don't you?"

The cat purred contentedly, closing his blue eyes. L turned on the TV and watched some cartoons. Aya came downstairs an hour later.

"Morning," she said, popping her head into the living room.

"Good morning, There's cinnamon rolls in the fridge for you," he told her. "Watari dropped them off earlier."

"That was thoughtful of him."

Ciel leaped off his lap and went over to Aya, who picked him up and gave him a kiss on the nose.

"What about my kiss?" L asked.

"Are you getting jealous of my cat again?"

"Maybe," he replied with an exaggerated pout.

She laughed and put Ciel down before making her way over to the couch. Aya sat beside him and reached out a hand to touch his hair. "Look at this cute bed head," she said and then leaned in to brush her lips against his. Aya tasted like mint toothpaste. She pulled away and said, "Your circles look better today. I guess that means you slept alright."

"I did for the most part." He paused. "Although I was a bit lonely."

Aya gave him a hug. "I was too."

He kept her company while she ate breakfast.

"So what should we do today?" she asked. "Do you want to stay here or go out somewhere?"

"Stay here. We should take advantage of our time alone." All of their previous make-out sessions had been interrupted by Ryuk and L was hoping that wouldn't happen this time around.

"Alright. Why don't you go up and shower before me?"

"You just showered last night. Why would you take another one?" he asked curiously.

"Ryuuzaki, you shouldn't question women about cleanliness."

"Oh. I guess that falls under the bathroom category that you told me was off limits before."

"Yes, it does." She tried to hide her smile with her mug of tea, but L still saw it. "I tidied up Hana's mess before coming down so it won't be a complete disaster in there."

"Okay. I'll go ahead then." He picked up his overnight bag and left the kitchen.

Once he was inside the bathroom, L noticed a bottle of lemon meringue lotion on the counter. He uncapped it and recognized it as one of the delicious scents he had smelled on Aya the night before. *I hope she puts this on again today.*

. . .

L was under her covers with his eyes shut when Aya got out of the shower. She crawled in next to him and he drew her close. His kisses had a new intensity to them, a desperate quality that made her breathless. He slipped his hand under her T-shirt and his fingertips made Aya shiver with pleasure as he moved them gently over her stomach, up to her breast.

"Aya, will you take your shirt off?" he asked in a low voice.

She nodded without thinking. The warmth of his hand was removed and he sat back on his heels so she could sit up. Aya lifted her T-shirt over her head, revealing a white bra patterned with small blue flowers. Then she lay back against the pillows and waited for him to make a move. For half a minute, L did nothing; he simply stared at her with a hungry gaze that made her blush.

"Beautiful," he said with a smile.

L ran his fingers over her collarbone, then down her shoulders and arms. He raised the inside of her wrist to his lips and kissed her racing pulse. L ducked his head to examine her stomach. He touched the tiny moles that formed a half moon before his hands found their way to the dip of her waist. L pressed his face to her midsection and before Aya knew what was going on, L's tongue was trailing up the center of her belly. She gasped, losing all control over herself. When his head was on the same level again, Aya pulled him down on top of her and kissed him. She felt his left hand at the waistband of her jeans.

'Aya, what are you doing?' asked a stern voice. Her eyes popped open and she froze.

L must have sensed the sudden change in her body because he broke away from her lips. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't do this," she replied. Aya reached down to remove his hand, which was touching the elastic on her panties.

He blinked. "Why not? Did I scare you?"

"No," she replied, turning away. "Someone said my name."

L raised himself up and looked back at the closed door. "Who? I didn't hear anything."

She bit down on her lip and thought, *Don't say it. Don't tell him.* But she did anyway. "My dad. I heard him in my head."

L put his hands on either side of her face so she would have to look at him. "Aya, your father is dead so how is that possible?"

"I don't think he's passed over yet. Sometimes I feel like he's still here in this house."

His eyes widened. "That's creepy."

Aya sat up and reached for her T-shirt.

"Hey, why do you look so ashamed right now? There's nothing wrong with what we're doing."

She pulled her shirt back on. "I'm sorry, but I just can't. Not if my dad is hanging around."

"Aya, he's not," L said patiently. "Ghosts don't exist."

"A few months ago we didn't believe that shinigami existed either," she pointed out.

"True, but isn't it more likely that you imagined your father's voice because I was moving too fast?"

"I don't think I wanted want you to stop," she admitted.

"Then what's going on? Is there something you aren't telling me?"

This was the moment Aya had been dreading, but she couldn't lie when he was asking so directly.

She walked over to the window and said, "The argument with my dad… it was about my feelings for you. He was worried that I would throw away my future and I got really angry. I yelled at him. I had never done anything like that before." She swallowed, trying to clear the lump in her throat. "Until then, his approval was the most important thing in my life. I just wanted him to be proud of me, but I disappointed him in the end."

He stopped right behind her and stroked her short hair for the first time. "I wish you would have told me this before."

"I thought it would hurt you to know the truth."

L's arms went around her waist and he held her against his chest. "You're the one who is hurting, Aya. Don't keep things inside if something is bothering you."

She put her hands over his and they stood that way for a few seconds.

"You know, if your father is around then he must hate me even more for being such a freak. I'm probably the last type of guy he would want you to be with."

"Oh I don't know… he may have warmed up to you eventually."

"That's doubtful, but thanks for saying that."

"Well my mum and sister like you. And my grandmother told me that you were adorably unkempt like one of the lost boys from 'Peter Pan.'"

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes! It means that she wants to take care of you."

"Hmm, well if you say so." He released her. "Lets leave here for a while and get some lunch."

"Okay."

Aya was grateful for his suggestion. She didn't particularly want to be in the house after what had just occurred.

. . .

When L arrived back at his apartment on Tuesday morning, Ryuk immediately started asking impertinent questions. "Did you enjoy the privacy I gave you? How was your first time with Aya?"

"Yes I enjoyed it and I don't know seeing as how we didn't have sex."

"I thought for sure you would have!" the shinigami exclaimed.

L dropped down on his bed and rolled over to face his window. "So did I," he replied, pulling a pillow against his chest.

"What happened? Is she turned off by you?"

He ignored his question and asked one of this own. "Ryuk, is it possible that Aya's father hasn't crossed over?"

"I don't know. Shinigami are only in charge of taking lives. You'd have to talk to angels or demons if you want to find out where dead people go."

"I'm not asking about the afterlife. I just want to know if spirits exist."

"Sure they do. Anything can exist."

He turned over to glare at Ryuk. "Why do you have to be so cryptic? Can't you just give me a straight answer?"

"Nope. Has Aya seen her father then?"

"She heard him and naturally that destroyed the mood."

To L's surprise, Ryuk didn't laugh. "That's rough. You have my condolences."

"Yeah, thanks." L sighed, laying on his back to stare up at the ceiling.

"You seem very discouraged."

"Of course I am. Her father tried to keep us apart when he was alive and he's still trying even when he's dead. Not to mention that Aya wants revenge against the 3rd Kira for killing him, which is completely misguided since I don't think that Mr. Takeda was murdered at all," he replied without taking a breath.

"Have you told Aya that?"

"What's the point? If I tell her, then she'll go right back to blaming herself and that will put even more distance between us," L reasoned. "It's a no win situation for me. Aya has to get over the guilt on her own. I can't do anything about it."

"That sounds like a defeatist attitude to me."

"Well I am defeated. I have absolutely no control over any of this."

"Stop being so gloomy. Oh, I have some information that will cheer you up! Did you know that Weddy and Aiber are lovers? The things they did together this weekend… well lets just say that I never knew humans could be so acrobatic."

L sat up, eyes wide. "That's disgusting. Now I'll never be able to get rid of that mental image."

Ryuk cackled. "You sound awfully bitter, L. Are you resentful that other people are having sex when you aren't?"

He got up from the bed and walked into the living room.

"Where are you going?" the shinigami asked.

"Downstairs where I won't have to listen to your ignorant comments." L bit his thumbnail. *I shouldn't have told him about what happened with Aya… this is why I need to think before I speak.*

. . .

Aya's disposable phone rang on Wednesday morning while she was eating breakfast with Matsuda.

"Hello, Tanaka-san, this is Mai Nomura from Yotsuba Group. I'm calling to inform you of your position as Akihiro Sato's secretary in the sales division."

Aya managed to feign enthusiasm. "That's excellent news! I did not have the pleasure of talking with Sato-san in person. It's definitely a surprise that he chose me. From what I remember, he didn't seem very thrilled with my comments during the interview."

Mai Nomura laughed. "He is a rather serious man, but I assure you that he wasn't displeased with you. Your English skills will be a great asset to him. Orientation for new recruits will begin this coming Monday on October 8th. Sato-san will meet you in the lobby at 9 and explain everything to you then."

Aya thanked her and hung up the phone.

"I was really counting on being in Higuchi's department," she told Matsuda, feeling disappointed. "I made a personal connection with Inoue-san so I was sure that he would pick me."

"Well you can't expect everything to be easy, right? Personally I'm relieved that you won't be around Higuchi. That man looks like the type who would sexually harass younger employees."

"Yes, he probably would, but Higuchi is most likely the 3rd Kira. I don't know how I'm going to trap him while working in Namikawa's department."

They talked a bit longer before heading downstairs to tell everyone else.

. . .

"Well that sucks," Weddy said when she heard Aya's news. "I was counting on you seducing Higuchi and getting him to confess."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Aya-chan would never sleep with that piece of filth!"

"Aya, will you tell Floppy to stop raising his voice?" she asked in English.

"Matsuda-san, please calm down. Of course I wouldn't sleep with Higuchi. That's not what she meant by seduction."

He raised his eyebrows. "Then what did she mean?"

"I wanted Aya to get him to fall for her," Weddy explained. "But she thought it was impossible."

"Well yes, because there's no way I'd be able to hide my disgust for that man," Aya replied.

Everyone started debating what would be the best plan for Aya. Chief Yagami had the same idea as L: that she take no action at first.

"I agree with Yagami-san." L turned his gaze to Aya. "I don't want you to do anything that will draw suspicion. Keep a low profile until I figure out a safe solution to this problem." He pressed the microphone button. "Watari, please find an apartment complex with two fully furnished units on the same floor. Make sure that there are no long term contracts involved. And if at all possible, try to get one that isn't too far from Yotsuba."

"Understood. I'll let you know when I find an apartment that meets those requirements."

"Thank you, Watari."

"Two units? Are you coming with me?" Aya asked hopefully.

"I would like to, but no. You need someone who is capable of acting as a bodyguard if you should need it. Mogi-san has already agreed to go."

Matsuda frowned. "Why didn't you ask me?"

"For a lot of reasons that I would rather not get into."

"I'm just as capable as Mogi-san," he insisted.

"Well I don't believe that you are," L replied. *And I don't want you getting close to Aya while I'm not around either,* he added silently.

An expression of hurt and anger came over Matsuda's face, but he didn't particularly care. *I have to do what is best for Aya and for myself… I can't worry about damaging his ego.*

"That's harsh, Ryuuzaki. Floppy isn't that incompetent," Weddy commented in English. Then she switched to Japanese. "Mogi-san is a big muscular guy and more intimidating than you are, Matsuda-san. That's probably why Ryuuzaki didn't ask you. Don't take it personally."

"And Mogi's been a police officer longer than you have so he's more experienced when it comes to dangerous situations," Chief Yagami chimed in.

Even Mogi said some reassuring words. L thought it was ridiculous how everyone was trying to console Matsuda. *Why are they treating him like he's a puppy that I kicked?* He felt very annoyed and on edge, which only got worse later that night after Aya left his apartment.

"Ryuk, you can see our date of death, correct?" he asked from his armchair.

"Yep, sure can." He tossed the apple core into his mouth and crunched down on it. "If you want to find out Aya's, you'll have to make the eye-deal with me," Ryuk said, anticipating his question.

"I'm not giving you half of my life span."

"Hmmm, I see how it is. So your life is more important than Aya's life."

"No, that's not it at all. I want to spend as much time as I can with Aya. That's why I won't make the deal with you." He looked at Ryuk. "I'm not asking for her specific date of death. I just want to know if it's this month."

"Telling you would break my stance on neutrality."

"Come on, I'll give you a dozen apples every day if you answer me."

He paused to consider. "That's very tempting, but no. Telling you would ruin my fun." And with that, Ryuk disappeared into his room next door.

L threw the TV remote at the wall in frustration.

. . .

Aya met her sister at the mall on Thursday evening so they could buy her business wardrobe. Their first stop was the food court, where Hana brought up an uncomfortable subject while they were eating.

"Have you been with Ryuuzaki yet?"

"No," she replied, taking a bite of her baked potato.

"Aya, you're going to be away from him for who knows how long. What are you waiting for?"

*I don't want to tell her about daddy… she'll think I'm insane.* So she answered with another one of her reasons. "I'm waiting for him to open up. He's so emotionally distant and I'm not sure if he even loves me."

"A lot of men have problems saying that word, but they show their feelings in other ways. You told me before that he's very affectionate with you. Doesn't that count for something?"

"It does, although he's gone his whole life without physical contact. Taking his past into account makes me think that he's just starved for touch."

Hana shook her head. "You're over-thinking this. Ryuuzaki does love you. I can tell."

"I want to hear that from him, not you."

"Aya, you haven't told him you love him either," Hana reminded her. "I think in this case, you're going to have to say it first."

She pushed her straw around. "I'm scared he won't say it back."

"Everyone is scared of that, but you need to tell him all the same. Your words will at least get him thinking about how he feels."

They finished eating and then went to some department stores. Aya paid for everything with the money she earned from working on the case.

Later that night, Aya packed up some books, clothing, and bedding. Watari would be picking her up the next morning to take her back to headquarters. She only had two more days with L before moving into her new apartment on Sunday. *This is my last time sleeping at home for a while, she thought as she got into bed and turned off her light. A feeling of sadness came over her and she started crying. Don't you dare lose it now… it's too soon for that.* But her tears wouldn't stop.

Someone unseen brushed the top of her hair. This was a sensation she had felt a few times before. Aya believed that it was her father's spirit trying to make contact with her. She eventually fell asleep and had a dream about him. The picture was fuzzy like a bad television broadcast. His lips were moving, but Aya couldn't hear what he was trying to say. Then the screen went black and he was gone.

. . .

L was in Aya's room on Saturday. As she went to get some clothes out of the closet, he touched her arm and said, "Please stop that for a minute and come here."

They laid down together on the bed, but L didn't touch her in an intimate way. Feeling Aya's warmth and the thump of her heart was enough for him. *What am I going to do if I lose her? L momentarily considered making the eye deal just to set his mind at ease. Then his reason broke through and he knew that such a thing was impossible. Seeing her date of death and not being able to prevent it would be so much worse than not knowing at all.*

He pulled back slightly in order to look at her. "Aya, can I stay with you tonight?"

She sighed and touched the side of his face. "Giving me that dejected expression isn't playing fair. You know that it's my weakness."

"I won't do anything. I just want to sleep beside you."

"You say that, but won't it be too tempting?"

He shook his head. "No. I'll be knocked out from my sleeping pill."

She laughed and the vibration of it passed into him. "Fine then, but you better not go back on your promise."

He didn't. That night, L curled up against her back like a cat would and fell asleep.

. . .

When his eyes opened the next morning, Aya's face was on the pillow next to his and their legs were tangled together. L touched her long eyelashes with his index finger. She furrowed her brow and he dropped his hand so as not to disturb her rest. He watched her for a few minutes; memorizing the contours of her face and the way her breath escaped from her slightly parted lips. It was a peaceful scene, but that didn't prevent him from going into panic mode. Within seconds, L's heart rate increased alarmingly and he felt sick.

He got out of bed as quietly as he could and went into the living room to open a window. L leaned his head out and gulped down the cool morning air. His hands were trembling on the sill as adrenaline coursed through his entire body. Once the attack subsided, he collapsed onto the couch and wiped the sweat off his face. *When was the last time I had one of these… last year sometime?* They only happened when L was under extreme stress. When he was able to move around again, he went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. That's when Ryuk appeared.

"If you don't want her to go, there's an easy solution." He held up the Death Note, which was supposed to be locked away in a safe downstairs. "Write their names down and Aya won't have to work at Yotsuba."

L snatched it out of his outstretched claw. "Don't suggest absurd things to me. If I write anyone's name down, you will have the right to kill me whenever you want."

"Yes, but I can kill you even without a contract."

"Are you threatening me?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm just reminding you of my power," Ryuk replied with a malicious smirk. "Don't forget that human life is dependent upon the whims of a shinigami."

L's hand tightened around his cup. "I'm not writing anybody's name down."

"You'll change your mind."

"No, I won't," he said firmly.

Ryuk laughed. "We'll see about that."

"If you're going to harass me then get out," L ordered, sitting down at the table.

"I'm just trying to show you that there are other options for you to explore. You should think it over carefully," Ryuk said as he flew through the ceiling.

*He's like some kind of devil sitting on my shoulder, trying to tempt me into doing something stupid.* L drank all of his water and then got up to return the Death Note to the safe. He didn't want Aya to see it when she woke up.

Less than an hour later, they were making pancakes together. Both of them tried their best to be cheerful, though an unspoken sadness hung heavy in the air. Ryuk popped in again and helped them carry Aya's boxes and luggage out into the hallway. L could tell that she was holding back tears as they left her apartment.

Once they were downstairs, Aya said goodbye to Chief Yagami and Weddy.

The blond woman slipped an arm around her back. "Remember, Aya, the Queen in chess is the most powerful player on the board. She can go anywhere and do anything without restrictions. Never doubt your strength."

Aya's face was pale, but she managed a little smile.

They loaded her belongings into Matsuda's car. Aya and L climbed into Watari's old fashioned Mercedes. As they drove out of the parking garage, she reached for his hand. L laced their fingers together and Aya leaned her head against his shoulder. The radio was playing, but he barely heard it.

Just over a half an hour later, Watari pulled outside of a six floor building. Mogi had already moved in the day before and he came down to meet them.

. . .

The apartment was much smaller than the suite at headquarters and a bit run down. There was a peeling linoleum floor in the kitchen and dingy carpeting in the living room.

"Sorry that it's so gross," L apologized. "Getting a decent place without signing a long term contract proved to be impossible even for Watari."

"That's alright. It really isn't that bad."

"Yes, it is. I wouldn't walk around barefoot here."

Aya laughed. She'd never seen him wear socks indoors before. They headed for the bedroom, which was only big enough to fit a twin size bed, dresser, and nightstand. The closet doors were mirrored which Aya immediately hated. *I'll have to hang a blanket in front of that somehow or I'll never be able to sleep.*

"The mattress looks new at least," she said, touching the top of it.

"Yeah, that's about the only good thing. The landlord said that he just bought it. Does it feel comfortable to you?"

She sat down to test the springs. "It's a bit hard."

L reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. "I'll text Watari and ask him to pick up a memory foam topper and a twin sheet set for you."

"Thanks, that would be great."

While Aya and L unpacked her clothing, Matsuda and Mogi were in the kitchen putting away the dishes. Watari showed up an hour later with the new bedding, a few bags of groceries, and a vase of colorful flowers. She pulled him aside to thank him for all his help.

"You're most welcome," Watari replied, giving her a kind smile.

He looked so much like a doting grandfather that Aya gave him a hug. He seemed surprised, yet pleased at the spontaneous gesture.

Once everything was put away in its proper place, they headed over to Mogi's apartment down the hall in order to watch a J. League football match on his big screen TV. A pizza was ordered for a late lunch/early dinner. It was such a fun time and provided a nice distraction for everyone. But the inevitable goodbye arrived and Aya managed to keep it together as she hugged Matsuda.

"Will you go and see Hana on the weekends? She'll be lonely while I'm gone."

He smiled happily at her. "I'll be glad to. If she doesn't mind that is."

Aya wasn't sure if Hana would mind, but she gave Matsuda her sister's number anyway. L said something to Mogi that she didn't hear, but the older man nodded.

. . .

L walked Aya back to her apartment. As soon as they were inside the entrance-way, she threw her arms around him. L counted out 25 of her heartbeats and then she said something quite unexpected.

"I love you," she whispered.

It took 7 more heartbeats until he was able to respond. "Now you're the one who isn't playing fair."

"I want you to know how I feel in case something happens to me," she said in a strained voice.

"Nothing is going to happen. Don't even talk like that." He kissed her cheek, which was salty and wet with tears.

L took her glasses off and set them down on the small table near the door. Then he gently wiped her face with the sleeve of his shirt. She looked at him with shining eyes and said it again. "I love you."

That was too much for L, who leaned down to kiss her trembling lips. She pushed him against the door where they continued kissing for the next few minutes.

"You're dangerous," he said after they broke away from each other.

Aya cracked a smile. "So are you."

L put her glasses back on. "I'll call and text you every day."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small tracking device and a silver ball point pen. "Keep this with you at all times so we know where you are. If you're in trouble, press this button here to page us," he said, setting the tracker in the palm of her hand. "I've asked Mogi to teach you self defense, but as a precaution I also want you to carry around this pepper spray pen. Just pull the cap off and aim for the eyes."

"Okay, thank you."

Her hair was in disarray from their kiss and L smoothed it down, tucking some short pieces behind her ears.

"Goodbye, Aya. I'll see you soon."

She smiled. "Yes. See you soon."

When he stepped into the elevator, L saw that she was still standing in the hallway. Aya waved and he held his hand up. They watched each other until the closing doors broke their eye contact.

L slumped against the wall; throat tight and nose tingling from unshed tears. He had been so afraid to give a name to what he was feeling, but Aya had ripped all of his walls down with those three words and L knew with absolute conviction that he loved her too.

A/N: Phew, this chapter made me way too emotional, but I still enjoyed writing it anyway XD Soundtrack for the closing scene is Adrian Lee's piano cover of "The Scientist." Aya and Hana's character profiles are up on my live journal. I also talk about L and Matsuda's personality types ^.^