Birdman Coast to Coast
Power Out
(The entire music video to Madness' "House of Fun" opens the episode. Opening credits.)
Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, President of adult swim, Mike Lazzo, President of 20th Century Fox, and President of Serena Williams, Venus Williams. And also Serena, now here's...
(Cut to the dark set as the light is not on and Birdman crashes onto the floor by flying in through the roof like he usually does but ends up slipping.)
Birdman: OH HECK! Oh...god, uh...it's me Birdman if anyone's wondering.
(Cut to Peanut at the bandstand.)
Peanut: Why is it so dark?
Birdman: Ugh the power went out 10 minutes before the show started and we haven't got it back on since.
Peanut: Can't you find any torches?
Birdman: No, we haven't thought about that, what a bright idea too bad that WE ALREADY TRIED LOOKING FOR THEM BUT WE COULDN'T FIND THEM!
(Peanut grabs his missile launcher and grabs a torch from his pocket and quickly puts it in the missile launcher. Birdman walks to the desk and sits down.)
Birdman: Now, I'm prepared for my guest first.
(Mike Lazzo's entire body appears in a miniature video message ala' Princess Leila in "Star Wars".)
Birdman: Now our usual monitor doesn't work because it crapped out on us, so we resorted to using this um, primitive video message technology from the Stone Age.
Mike Lazzo: Greetings, viewers...I am...Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: And here's a guy from the "Stoned Age"...whoops, I mean...welcome Keith Crofford!
Mike Lazzo: Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: Khaki Jones.
Mike Lazzo: Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: Ollie Green.
Mike Lazzo: No...it's um...Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: Um...Nick Wienfield?
Mike Lazzo: I am...Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: Are you Matt Harrigan?
Mike Lazzo: No, I am not Matt Harrigan. I am...Mike Lazzo.
Birdman: Linda Simenksy?
Mike Lazzo: I'm Mike Lazzo!
Birdman: Michael Cera?
Mike Lazzo: What are you talking about?
(Silence.)
Birdman: Ray Romano.
(Silence.)
Birdman: Because our children are watching.
(Beat.)
Peanut: Are you Brent Bozell?
Mike Lazzo: NO!
Birdman: Sorry, wasted your time.
(Birdman pushes the red button which makes Mike disappears. The camera pans down to Phil wearing a karate outfit with Birdgirl in a room lighted with candles.)
Birdgirl: Um remind me Phil, why are we down here?
Phil: So we can hold a séance for my dead father so he can fix the electricity, his an electrician.
Birdgirl: Um okay...what's up with these karate outfits?
Phil: We're gonna use our karate moves to revive my dead father who I'm pretty sure I killed some episodes back.
Birdgirl: Why karate moves? Why séance your dead father, couldn't we just call an electrician?
Phil: Well we could, but the phone line's down.
(Birdgirl pulls out a mobile.)
Birdgirl: Well I've got a mobile if you...
(The mobile gets shot off her hand as she looks shocked.)
Birdgirl: WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR!
Phil: You ask a lot of questions Bird...girl, is it?
Birdgirl: (annoyed) Yes...you know that's my name.
Phil: Here, (pulls out a bottle of malt liquor) this should calm you down.
Birdgirl: CALM ME DOWN FROM WHAT!
(Phil places two glasses on a bench and pours some malt liquor into both and hands them to Birdgirl.)
Phil: C'mon...drink them.
(Silence, Phil looks around annoyed and then attempts throwing the drink into her mouth as it misses.)
Phil: Look what happened by accident!
(Cut back to the dark set as Birdman straightforward at the camera.)
Birdman: Our next guest is a person, say hello to Rupert Murdoch.
(Rupert Murdoch appears just like Mike Lazzo did.)
Birdman: Greetings Rupert, welcome to the show. Are you comfortable?
Rupert Murdoch: I would be comfortable if I had a seat to sit down on.
Birdman: Well we would usually have a seat for our guests but no power.
Rupert Murdoch: Why does having no power got to do with it?
Birdman: Oh I see, trying to turn the tables around, trying to be the interviewer and me being the guest on my own show I won't have it Murdoch!
Rupert Murdoch: I was just asking a question what power has to do with not having a seat for me to sit in.
Birdman: A lot!
Rupert Murdoch: Oh yeah, what Space Ghost?
Birdman: Grease.
(Silence.)
Rupert Murdoch: What about grease?
Birdman: Sometimes I puke it out.
(Rupert Murdoch stares oddly at Birdman gaping his mouth as if it say something then closes his mouth.)
Birdman: Chairs are an illusion, they're powered by grease so I eat a bunch of hamburgers, cheese burgers and mega burgers and you know...puke it out so it can go inside the chair and power it.
Rupert Murdoch: What are you ta...
Birdman: CHAIRS ARE POWERED BY PUKED UP GREASE, DAMNIT!
Rupert Murdoch: That doesn't make sense.
Birdman: You don't make sense you penniless gobstopper-for-brain Willy Wonka wannabe walking around so high and mighty thinking YOU own the world, but the truth is you don't, no one can own the world because no one does. And if you don't have the world why do you have Rupert, nothing absolutely nothing except the fact you have a gobstopper for a brain which is why every time I ask you a simple question you reply with "I'm hungry" you idiot! I bet you would gladly sell Paramount Pictures for a whole case of those gobstoppers and then the real owners of Paramount Pictures would be mad, you know why, because you sold off a company you don't even own for a whole case of freakin' gobstoppers because you couldn't handle your appetite so what does Paramount Pictures do they sell off 20th Century Fox to a bunch of Arabian terrorists so they can sell and manufacture a bunch of ladies home-care pack while putting on make-up while dancing to Justin Timberlake while laughing their heads off to crappy movies like "Meet the Spartans" while smoking doobies and planning bomb attacks on MGM because that's how greedy they are Rupert, that's how greedy they are I mean, if you put a whole case of money in front of another case of money man, they will take it I mean...damn...they're greedy. Damn Arabs, see what you've done, you just had to have the stupid gob stopper didn't you Murdoch, now Paramount Pictures is a subsidiary of Waterworld and 20th Century Fox is opening by a bunch of Arabs, way to friggin' go! And it's so obvious you deserve a chair to rest those things you call legs, man you must have a full, busy day of selling off other people's companies for food. And what the hell is up with your name, "Rupert Murdoch", sounds like someone watched The A-Team and thought, hey Murdoch's the last name for me and thought I need a first name to balance it out, hell why not Rupert Murdoch. I mean, that's what you did right, after, after selling Paramount Pictures for a gobstopper and in return having 20th Century Fox sold to a bunch of greedy, doobie-smoking, home-care selling, make-up wearing, Justin Timberlake listening, Meet the Spartans watching, bomb-making Arabs. You must be pretty glad of your life accomplishments, I mean wow really what life you have I mean if I would to have your life then wow, really I would raise some Hell I would. And what the Hell, did you call me Space Ghost before. It's Birdman, if my name was Space Ghost, get me a bullet so I could shoot a deer and eat it so I could feel better about having the name Space Ghost. (slight beat) You know what I'm gonna do Rupert, (Rupert rolls his eyes) I'm gonna tell you a story. About a girlfriend I had once, this chick named Gigi. So there's me an' Gigi, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy stuff. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops a bomb on me and the bomb is this, she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic for God's sake. So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her hurtful names, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt this girl - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the Hell is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk. Looking back on it now, it was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Birdman. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was a girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...so I spent every day since then chasing Gigi……so to speak.
(Silence, Rupert disappears off the video message.)
Peanut: (looking at him angrily) Do you just talk so you can hear your own voice or something?
Birdman: Yeah, so what? Rupert is a deaf mute so I had to do most of the talking.
Peanut: No he isn't and you know that…
Birdman: Yeah he is.
Peanut: Well he just hung up.
(Birdman looks over at the desk.)
Birdman: Oh that's just great, what a night this has been. My interviews with Yogi Bear and Rupert Murdoch didn't go anywhere, Peter Potamus and X are really silent for some reason tonight (Peter and X are looking around confused) and Phil and Birdgirl are off somewhere and the electricity's out! This is the worse episode then that Happy Days episode with Richie snooping around looking for information about that garbage man thing.
Peanut: And you looked for a torch and couldn't find one.
Birdman: Yeah, that's pretty bad too.
Peanut: Listen, I know where a torch is.
Birdman: (perks up) You do!
Peanut: Yes I do, so that means you'll be able to see okay and might be able to find some electricity outlet and find out what's wrong with it to make tonight seem half-decent.
Birdman: Thank you Peanut, thank you! Now where is it?
Peanut: (Peanut starts filing his nails) Where's what?
Birdman: The torch!
Peanut: Oh….I want you to do some things for me to earn THAT torch.
(Dramatic chord. Beat as Birdman looks angry.)
Birdman: It's because of that monologue wasn't it?
Peanut: Yeah, kinda.
(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as the power is still out and Birdman is heard tapping his cue cards.)
Birdman: Welcome back to the show folks, filmed by a camera powered by a back up power generator that for some reason only works on cameras. Joining me now is tennis sensations Venus and Serena Williams.
(Venus and Serena via video message just like Mike and Rupert.)
Birdman: Hello Venus, Hello Serena. Welcome to the show, do you feel comfortable?
Venus: Why are we standing up?
Birdman: Great now…
(Peanut appears in a strike of thunder next to Birdman's desk.)
Peanut: Birdman…….I have an assignment for you.
Birdman: Okay, what is it?
(Peanut hands Birdman an envelope as Birdman grabs it, tears it up and unfolds the letter to read it.)
Birdman: (reading letter) Morph into a flying shark and fight a flying crocodile.
(Cut to the bandstand as X takes off his helmet thing as a crocodile flies out glowing as Birdman gets on the desk and morphs into a flying shark and beings to battle the flying crocodile to the tune of "Beware the Wolf". After the battle as Birdman has morphed back and lying on the floor as the crocodile slither back to the "X" body and puts the head back on.)
Birdman: How is becoming a shark and fighting a crocodile gonna make you give me that torch.
(Peanut appears in a strike of thunder again next to Birdman as he kneels to his level.)
Peanut: If you don't do these things I assign you I'll shoot the torch out of the bazooka.
(Peanut gets up from kneeling and grabs out a bazooka.)
Peanut: And we don't want that now do we?
Birdman: No sir.
(Cut to Phil doing karate moves as Birdgirl just looks on dumbfounded.)
Phil: Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad!
Birdgirl: Okay Phil, could you just stand still for a moment and not repeatedly say Muhammad?
Phil: Great idea! Instead, I'll say Jesus! ahem Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
Birdgirl: GRRRRRRRR!
Phil: Okay now we've got my mojo working, let's recite these Bill Hicks routines.
(Phil grabs a whole stack of sheets.)
Birdgirl: (lowers sheets to speak with Phil at face level) Phil, are you sure we're here to revive your dead father, are you sure we're not just here for no reason.
(Evil dramatic music.)
Phil: (to himself) Oh…….I've got a reason. I've got a reason….
(Evil dramatic music stops.)
Birdgirl: What's that?
Phil: (hands Birdgirl malt liquor) Here drink some malt liquor!
(Birdgirl grabs the bottle and begins to drink it. Cut back to the set as Birdman is holding a cue card.)
Birdman: I'm not saying that.
Peanut: (off screen) Say it.
Birdman: No I'm not sayi…
Peanut: (interrupting, off screen) Say it!
Birdman: Nope, I'm not saying it.
Peanut: (off screen) Say it!
Birdman: Okay………(faces Venus and Serena)….nice jacket…..Fonzie.
Venus Williams: Jacket?
Serena Williams: I'm not wearing a jacket.
Birdman: Oh Peanut told me to….
(Cut to Peanut.)
Peanut: Say it!
(Cut back to Birdman, puzzled.)
Birdman: I-I-I-I did say it.
Peanut: What? The thing about the jacket, no, I meant actually say "it".
Birdman: That's it?
Peanut: That's it.
Birdman: Okay then.
Peanut: You just said "it".
Birdman: I did?
Peanut: Before when you said "that's "it"".
(Silence.)
Birdman: You're kidding me right?
(Peanut grabs out another envelope.)
Peanut: Now I've got one last assignment for you, Birdman.
(Cut back to Phil and Birdgirl as Birdgirl has gotten really tipsy as seven bottles of malt liquor are surrounding them.)
Phil: That was a-LOT of malt liquor you drank just then.
Birdgirl: (drunk) Yep.
Phil: Any reason you did it?
Birdgirl: (drunk) Nope…….I just felt thirsty. Now c'mon….let's revive your dead father so he can turn the power back on.
Phil: Birdgirl that is not the real reason I bought you down here.
(Phil sits down as Birdgirl follows.)
Phil: Birdgirl, I gotta tell you something (breathes in) Here it goes….I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - ha, ha…..queer, but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Birdgirl, there isn't another soul on this planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
Birdgirl: (drunken) Ugh….I definitely know you ripped that off "Chasing Amy".
Phil: Yeah, me and Birdman had a Kevin Smith movie marathon last night. But for some reason we also watched Jersey Girl.
(Birdgirl falls over Phil.)
Birdgirl: (drunken) Phil……I want YOU……..inside of me.
Phil: Come to Papa.
(Phil rips off his clothes as Birdgirl rips off hers as they are both naked (but censored) and begin having a heavily censored graphic minute-long sex scene. Cut back to the set as Birdman and Peanut are wearing Vaudevillian clothing and dancing holding canes singing "Puttin' on the Ritz".)
Peanut: (singing) If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits?
Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!
Peanut: (singing) Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes
and cutaway coat, perfect fits.
Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!
Peanut: (singing) Dressed up like a million dollar trouper. Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper
Birdman: (singing) Super duper.
Peanut: (singing) Come let's mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks
or "umbrellas" in their mitts.
Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!
Peanut: (singing) Have you seen the well-to-do up and down Park Avenue On that famous thoroughfare with their noses in the air. High hats and Arrow collars white spats and lots of dollars. Spending every dime for a wonderful time
Birdman & Peanut: (singing) If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits, Puttin' on the Ritz, Puttin' on the Ritz, Puttin' on the Ritz.'
(Peter Potamus slides in also wearing Vaudevillian clothing.)
Peter: (deep voice) The words and lyrics to Puttin' On The Ritz are the intellectual property of Taco and his or their respective music label. Purchase Taco's music online or buy their CD if you wish to support Taco. If you want to help make Puttin' on the Ritz popular please share it below or blog about it.
(The power comes back on as the video message with Serena and Venus goes out and Birdgirl, wearing lingerie holding onto Phil wearing boxers walk in.)
Birdman: (sarcastic) Great! Just great, just as I finish all those "assignments" the power comes back on! Well seems like I won't need that torch anymore when the frickin' whole place is lighted up now!
(Peanut grabs the torch and hands it to Birdman.)
Peanut: Here's your torch.
(Birdman slaps it out of his hand.)
Birdman: Get that thing away from me.
Birdgirl: (drunk) One thing I would like to know is what caused the power to go out anyway?
(Dramatic music builds up as the camera closes up on Phil.)
Phil: I pulled the plug.
(Dramatic chord.)
Phil: (over evil dramatic music) You see, to lure Birdgirl downstairs, I pulled the plug to the power so I could get her to think we would both revive my dead father who was an electrician to fix electricity. But truth was……I wanted to get her drunk and (BLEEP) her brains out WHICH I did
(Music stops. Awkward silence as everyone except Birdgirl and Phil stare at each other in disgust.)
Peter: (deep voice) To be continued.
(End credits. Instead of the end credit music, it's just silence.)