The names are not mine, the rest - is.

Tracking Time

"It's not the same now. Nothing is the way it was before. It's better. It's all so much better. And it all means so much that, out there... It doesn't mean as much anymore. I feel like I'm living on the outside looking in and... I'm not sure what being out there, in the world is supposed to be anymore. Because you're here, and I'm here. And if I leave, if I go back to the same room, the same classes... I don't know, maybe I'm not explaining it right, it's just...nothing is the same now."

"Everything is different. I get it."

"So how do you do it? Go back to normal."

"You don't go back. You go somewhere new."

The room is lighter now, the blue fog is attempting to lift; trying to bring about the day.

"Edward... You're half a world away." He's lying away from me, propped up on an elbow. Not touching me. Not anywhere near where I want him to be.

"I'm right here."

"It's gone isn't it? Your blood, it's not..."

"No. It's not."

"Somewhere new, huh?"

"Somewhere new."

I feel brilliant, and brand new. There's an excitement running through me, but... I also feel mad, sad, and utterly lost. I don't want to hold it all. I can't even hold myself up but I'm walking. Walking through Edward's house. Walking to the car. I'm walking. Thinking, always thinking. But my mind is one track, all the tracks and I can't stick to any of them. The car does. It takes us back to campus. It takes us back, and he's right. I was right. It looks nothing like it once did.

My room is empty. I miss Nettie. A note on my bed, says she misses me too. She has a test today, and she will be in the library all morning. Edward tells me Alice has plans to pick her up later. I ask him if she knows. She doesn't. Not yet.

"I should tell her. If she finds out I knew before..."

"Rose knows."

"What do you mean? How do you know that?"

"Emmett told her. He doesn't really do complicated."

"What is that? Complicated."

"He would never have had plans to be with her, and have her still be in the dark. He would have always been upfront with her."

"But..." No. It's not like that. I'm a vampire. Wanna go on a date? Just. No. How did he know she would be okay with it? It's not that easy.

"There's something else, Bella. She's with him now. She's been with him for two days."

"So. She gets it. I thought this singer thing was rare? Look, I don't think you have to worry."

"I'm not. Bella, stop." I'm pacing. Pacing and I didn't even know it.

"What?"

"Rose is in transition."

"Trans-ition."

"Do you understand me?"

I don't know what I think really. Rose is in transition. Just like that. Hello, hi, we just met. Let's be forever. I haven't even... And then I look at Edward, and I kind of just feel like I'm supposed to be angry. I kind of feel like I'm waiting to react.

"Bella. Do you understand what is happening to Rose this very minute, as we speak?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Are you upset?" Because he looks upset.

"Why would I be?"

"Edward."

"Aren't you?" He asks me.

"Not for the reasons I think I'm supposed to be."

"And they are?" Edward is frustrated. He's frustrated because he can't read me. He's frustrated that he's not getting my answers any faster than this.

"I don't imagine it would seem easy telling me. She doesn't know that I know. So why would she? And... Obviously she knows you are... And Jasper, and Alice are..." He gestures to me. Like it's the first time I've ever seen him do something so...human. He wants more. More words. More reasons. More feelings. "I know what we have. It's not the same as what they have. So..."

I know what I want. I know what I want.

"I wish I could touch you." He always seems to stun me, stunning me with his words, like I don't know they're coming. "I wish I could hold you, and bring you here to me. I wish I could touch you, just fucking touch you, dammit! And I haven't stopped wishing it, not ever. And after last night..." He is honey. He is honey being poured over me. Warm, and sweet. Filling me with happy.

"I wish too." I nod.

I know what I want. I know what I want.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"You know I want that too. All of it." I tell him. Because I do.

"No. Tell me about last night."

"I can't. I mean... I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can tell you how it feels to wake up. How it feels to be held to the earth by one thing. To be filled with a complete sense of... This. This is what I want, and I have it, had it...and I don't ever want it to end. So maybe let's not let it end. Bottle you up, and drink you whole. Over and over. And... Can I do that? Can I have more? I mean... Why can't we? I'm okay. See..." I sit beside him on the bed. My bed. Cold and alone in this room. It doesn't feel like mine anymore. I want to hold his hand. I want to hold his hand to my heart so he can feel it dancing, banging. "Listen... Listen to my heartbeat. I'm okay. I'm fine. Nothing bad happened. And I just want to have what we have. I want to be what we are every day. Can we? Can I have more?"

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the way he doesn't move. His eyes don't go wide. His breath doesn't hitch. He doesn't hold me. He can't. He doesn't take my hand in understanding, or consolation. He can't. He just...looks at me. Into me. Through me. All along me, and over me.

"Say something." I beg.

I know what I want. I know what I want.

"I will have to speak with Carlisle."

"You will?" He will. He wants to. He doesn't think I'm crazy.

"Yes."

"But you want to? You want me to...have more?"

"Yes." He's still looking. Still. Looking.

"Okay. Good. Phew."

The moments begin to tick as we sit. On the edge of my bed. We just sit. He's thinking about what I just said, and I'm thinking about what Carlisle will say. He's also thinking about what Carlisle will say. And I'm really just mostly thinking about what to say now, and it just won't come out.

I know what I want. I know what I want.

So why didn't I just say it?

I want more blood. It would be easy. To drink more. Be a real girl. A real girlfriend with boyfriend things. I want to feel him the way he felt me. And I want everything to keep changing yet staying exactly the same forever, and ever.

So why did I ask to have more blood?

I want more. But I could be like Rose. I could be like him. Like Edward. I could be real, forever, and ever. Me and him.

-o-

"I'm going to leave now." I tell her.

"Why?"

"Carlisle." She is so animated, it's deafening.

"Oh. Now. Okay. Yeah. Go."

Bella leads me to the door and turns, her back pressed against the harsh white. Her bottom lip is between her teeth, and I want to take it and be lost. I want to lose myself in her beauty, her charm, and the softness of her shape. I step forward, holding her between where I stand and the ugly door.

"I'll miss you." She says, and I lean in, hovering above her, resting my palm next to her head.

"I miss you already." Your kiss. Your whimpers. You bare breasts in the moonlight, shining in through the window. Yellow and white dancing in your lovely brown.

"Kiss me." She says, her mouth just seconds away from mine. Her breath is like the sea. A wave of Bella crashes against me, toppling me, drowning me.

"Close your eyes." I tell her, inhaling, breathing her in just to breath out again. I want her to feel what I feel.

"Kiss me." She whimpers. Thump, thump thump. Rapid, and brutal.

"I am." I whisper. Thump, thump, thump. Hypnotising, she's brutal.

My girl is calling, pulling hard at my dead heart. Willing it back to life, she is hoping we can truly live now, and I don't think about anything else. I don't worry about anything else, or wonder about the consequences tying me to tragedy for an eternity. I don't want to wait so I am choosing. My decision is made, and I do not hesitate. I plunge, wreaking havoc; this girl and I, we are wreaking havoc with the conventions. We're changing the lore, sculpting it to make us happy. We are taking regardless now. I am taking something I shouldn't be allowed to have. So I take my wrist, my flesh between my teeth and bite. I watch her chest rise, and fall. Rise, and fall. We can be one, together in every way. I want to be kissing her, having her, consuming her, again and again. She feels it, I know she does, this degree of want, need, this fascination.

I'm not certain if this way is the way forever. I only know what I see in front of me. My Bella, and I would do anything for her.

I do not wait, and I do not ask. I have by giving, giving my wrist to her mouth, I watch. I watch the blood red lust as it bleeds onto her lips. She parts them to taste, and opens her big eyes, answering me. There's only one answer; she's drinking my blood. Feeding from me, she is bringing us back to life once more.

-o-

I push him onto the bed, and it feels like in this moment, I can do anything with his blood rushing through me. The light is back, the water, and the glass. But I do not shake. I do not freeze before I decide. I throw him onto the bed and climb on top of him.

"I don't want to go back."

"You don't have to." He promises me.

"Don't make me go back." I say it again.

"We'll make new rules." He promises. And I don't know who's rules he's referring to. Carlisle's rules?

"Stupid, stupid. We should have never gone to them for help."

"What?" I ask. "What did you just say?"

"I didn't say anything. Are you okay? Bella..." He shakes me. But I can't hear him.

"He will be here any minute. He is excellent at this, Jasper. This is it for him. We have to go. Now."

"Don't you hear that?" I look at Edward and see that he's listening now too.

"I think I can hear Alice." I whisper against his face.

"They're coming."

The door swings open, and everything is in slow motion, like before. But not really, because they're here and I didn't even see them walk in.

"Alice, I heard you. I could hear you before you even... What's going on?"

She won't look at me. Jasper won't look at me. Edward isn't looking at me. They're mouths are moving, they're speaking, and I can hear it but it's just noise. Loud, chaotic noise.

My head hurts, I'm spinning. I'm exploding. I'm think I'm blacking out, and I can't make out any of it. Just tell me. Just tell me what's wrong before I go. Before I go to sleep, just give me this. What's wrong with me? Is it Edward, because we touched? But his blood...I... I feel sick.

I run to the bathroom and wait. The too-white shine of the bowl is blinding me. I'm vibrating, holding on tight, too tight, I'm vibrating. I don't like this.

"Edward."

He's here. He's here, but Alice is the one holding me, stroking my hair.

"We have to leave. You'll have to run with her." She tells him.

"Not like this. We can stay. Sort this out, end it here."

"You think we can win a fight, like this." I can hear Jasper but can't see him.

"Three against one." Edward says.

"Why are you fighting?" I ask them.

"We're not." Alice says, and lifts me up so I'm standing, and pushes me towards Edward. "It's too late. They're here."

AN:

The Boy makes me better, and talks me off the ledge when I need him to. Which is often.

You're all lovely.
Be gentle with me. I'm a delicate flower.

Please and thank you!
samrosey
XOXO