"Hi," Thomas said, before enveloping her in an awkward standing hug as she remained seated. He grinned down at her, clearly pleased to have discovered her in the cafeteria. "How's your day going?"
"Fine," Cath said, glancing at him for a moment before looking back at her laptop screen and continuing to type. "I'm trying to finish that paper for Modern American Lit."
"It's due in two hours!" Thomas said with an amused look. "You're seriously not done?"
"Don't judge me," Cath said with an eye roll. "Just doing a last editing job. Lauryn is still locked in her room finishing hers anyways."
"Fine," Thomas said, pulling out the chair opposite her and sitting down. He flashed a brilliant smile. "No judging. Even if I've been done for a full twenty-four hours now."
He pulled out his laptop and she watched in fascination as he stared down and began typing as well. She looked away from her own screen to watch him at his.
"What are you writing?" she asked. After all, there were more interesting topics than the repetition of sports and competition within The Sun Also Rises. Basically anything other than that. Cath would be glad to bid the book farewell at the end of the week.
"A fic," Thomas said. He looked up and wiggled his eyebrows. "For you."
"Oh," Cath said, finding her face flushing in spite of her interest. "Um…what's it…rated?"
"G," Thomas said with a shrug. "I just wanted to write you something."
'Oh…um…is it Tomius?"
"Nope," Thomas said. "Sorry, you know I don't write…well…not that."
"Because it squicks you," Cath said and sighed as she looked back at her laptop. "I wish it didn't. I guess I don't get it."
"Oh come on, you were squicked when I even so much as mentioned the possibility of Madeline and Cornelius," Thomas said with a shrug. "So you can't really sit there and pretend people don't have their own ship preferences."
"Hmm," Cath sighed and went back to typing away at her paper. "I just wish you'd consider it. And Madeline and Cornelius is seriously just gross."
She could sense he was about to reply, and she was already mentally building a defense. It was the only disadvantage to not having Lauryn around. She at least could usually settle their ship fights and convince them to talk about something else instead. But the more Cath had tried to suggest Tomius to her boyfriend, the more steadily he seemed to object. She honestly couldn't wrap her mind around it.
Reason enough to break up with him?
Cath sighed and let the thought settle for a moment. Wren and Lauryn had both persisted in suggesting Thomas wasn't right for her. Four dates later and their protests had become a little quieter. But that didn't mean they had completely stopped. More like fallen into begrudging acceptance.
But she was still reasoning through it herself. How long was it reasonable to stick with this? After all, Thomas wasn't really doing anything wrong per say. He wasn't fighting with her…well other than the occasional tiff about ships. And he hadn't once pushed for sex or encouraged her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. In fact his drinking hadn't been much of a problem so far at all. So how long did she stick with a relationship that was…well…bland? She kept feeling like time might make her more appreciative of what she had. But the ache for Levi still hadn't softened. Not after a month of not seeing him.
She should be happy, shouldn't she? With a smart boyfriend who bought her books instead of flowers and wanted to discuss the latest fan theories around Cornelius? But instead… she had to shake her head to stop thinking about it. Enough. She could linger on these thoughts another time. But for now she just needed to bear with it. It hadn't been long enough to really decide. Especially with images of Levi still lingering so close.
"I just think you should consider," Cath said with a sigh. "But anyways, what did you end up writing your paper on?"
"I'm done with it so I'm finished talking about it," Thomas said with a smile. "And I am sorry, okay? I hate it when we argue." His hand reached out and caught hers on the table.
"I know,' she said. "So didn't you say something about visiting your parents this weekend? Is that still happening?"
"Yeah," Thomas said with a shrug. "My dad insisted. It's my mom's birthday. She's super excited to hear more about you actually. If I thought you wouldn't be too busy I might have brought you along. Seriously, they're so thrilled. My mom keeps going on about how it's so nice I finally have a girl."
He grinned at her, causing Cath to suddenly feel guilty for thinking about breaking up with him.
"I'm glad," she said. "But didn't you have a girlfriend before me? I swear I've seen pictures of you with someone else online…" Maybe that sounded a bit stalkerish but she had honestly been curious.
He was about to reply when a voice interrupted them.
"Cath!"
She turned and stared at Micah quickly striding towards them. He was beaming at her. Cath swallowed.
"Um…hi Micah," she managed to say. Her stomach twisted painfully at the obvious reminder of Levi. "How are you?"
"Doing great," he said. "Preparing for another play. Not quite so gay this time, but I still think I can still get you to come see it."
She was unable to keep from giggling at that. Micah gave her a wink before turning to glance at Thomas. She noted that his eyes went wide, glancing between the two of them suddenly. Thomas's hand was still on top of hers.
"Um…" Cath whispered, but she knew it was too late. "This is…my new boyfriend. Thomas meet Micah. Micah, Thomas."
"We've met," Micah said, head tilting to the side as his forehead wrinkled. "I just…you…"
Thomas squirmed uncomfortably as Micah scrutinized him. For a moment it was like he'd turned into a turtle, shrinking back into his shell. Cath tried to understand what had happened, but in a moment it hit her. His discomfort at the play…. His usual…squickiness around gay ships. She sighed and decided she'd settle this later. For now she needed to deal with Micah.
"I thought he told you," Cath said. "We broke up. Before he went back to Arnold."
Micah glanced back at her, finally breaking eye contact with Thomas. "Yeah, he mentioned something about it. I just…I wasn't expecting this."
Cath blushed. "I just…"
"Moved on," Micah said. "Evidently."
He frowned again, eyes trailing back over to Thomas before snapping back to Cath. He quirked a brow in a way that might have been comical had he been smiling.
"It was nice seeing you," Cath said, finding herself focused on the table instead of daring to meet his eyes.
"Yes," Micah said. "I'll see you around, Cath. I miss seeing you at the house. Text me if you ever want to meet up. And Cath? Um…be careful all right?"
He started to walk away. Cath thought of something in a moment.
"Oh and Micah?"
He turned back.
"Please don't tell Levi," she managed to whisper, wincing as his name came from her lips.
"No worries," Micah said, one corner of his lips tilting upwards. "I don't really want to be the one to break his heart, thanks."
He tilted his head one last time before turning back towards the door.
Cath glanced at Thomas who was slowly coming back out of his shell.
"What the hell was that?" she hissed, pulling her hand from his.
"Just…I don't know," Thomas said with a shrug.
"A squick is one thing," Cath muttered. "Being a homophobe is another."
"I'm not a homophobe," Thomas said, brow furrowing. "My sister's a lesbian….and…and I read femslash!"
"But you stare at a gay guy like he's…got the plague?" Cath said.
Thomas rolled his eyes. "It was not that bad."
Cath slammed her laptop shut and moved to put it away.
"Okay!" Thomas gasped. "I'm sorry, all right. I…I grew up in a really traditional family. I didn't…I'm sorry okay? My sister isn't even allowed home anymore."
Cath looked up at him, and she saw what almost looked like tears lingering in the corners of his eyes. She sighed and put a hand back on his.
"I'm sorry, it's just…I like Micah. And I want you to be respectful to him please."
Thomas sighed and met her eyes again, nodding. "All right. All right I'm sorry." He leaned in and gave her another awkward hug. Cath sighed and let it happen, unsure if she really liked it, but deciding it was perhaps more for his benefit than for hers. If it was Levi she probably would have been more likely to kiss him to makeup. But with Thomas…everything was different.
"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm working on it all right? What do I have to do to prove it? Write a slash fic piece? A queer theory literary criticism paper?"
Cath shook her head. "I won't force you to write a ship you don't like. I just…I want you to think about it a little more, all right? Not just react. Actually use that big brain of yours."
Thomas hung his head a bit sheepishly, even though he was smiling. "All right, I'll do it."
"Good," Cath said. "Now shut up and let me finish this paper."
"Will do," he said with a smirk.
Cath was surprised to find she almost looked forward to her weekly appointments. Her fourth one was coming, and she found herself writing down a list of everything she wanted to talk about. Missing Levi and dealing with Thomas. And the ridiculous sight of Wren in a bridesmaid's dress.
It was something she was still trying to process. The fact that her mother was getting married again. And even more than that, the fact that Wren was willingly going along with the whole thing. She felt so…betrayed. Yes, that's how she'd probably describe it when Leanne asked her. Elaborating would require finding a better way to say it felt like someone had drilled a hole in her stomach.
She still hadn't come to a decision on that at the moment. Not that she felt she really had to.
"Small steps," Leanne said as she let out a rush of information about how she was feeling on the whole wedding situation. "This isn't something you need to rush. There are years of history at work here. Years of hurt and pain that you need to sort out. What do you think you'd ideally like your relationship with your mother to look like? Or do you want a relationship at all?"
Cath thought for a moment. It was tempting to just close the door on everything. For a time she'd thought that would work. Her mother had walked away from her, so why not try the same thing in return?
However, she somehow knew she couldn't do it. She'd been running away for too long. And it was beginning to haunt her.
"No," she said. "No...I want...I want to forgive her I guess. I just...I wish she'd apologize."
"That's completely understandable," Leanne said with a half-smile. "Have you expressed that to her?"
"Sort of," Cath muttered. "She just gave a lot of excuses."
"Then maybe that's where you need to start. Really express how you're feeling. Gain some closure. Sometimes that's what's most important, is allowing a wound to finally heal up and close rather than allowing it to continue to go untreated. What does forgiveness mean to you, Cath?"
"Just being able to move on I guess," Cath muttered.
"That sounds more like forgetting. Do you think they're the same thing?" Leanne asked, tilting her head.
"No," Cath said. "But I don't think...I guess I don't know that I want us to be besties or anything. But I'd like to find peace. And I'd like to...to stop hating her. Because right now I really do feel like I hate her."
"Understandable," Leanne said. "After everything that happened that's normal. So let's start with talking with her. Trying to find some closure. I think for now that's all you need. Cath... relationships are sort of like houses, have you ever heard that before?"
Cath shook her head.
"Sometimes it's easier to just let people sit on our front porch," Leanne said with a smile. "Just sit there and talk, not letting them see what's on the inside. Other people gain our trust and we bring them in to see the rooms within. Sometimes people are so trusted we'll show them the basement and the attic, the places we might shove dusty and gross things we don't show in public. My point is that boundaries have levels. Your mother might just be a front porch person for you. It's entirely possible. And there's nothing wrong with that. But right now it sounds like you're not even letting her near your house...and I think that's causing you a good deal of pain."
She thought for a moment. She pictured it. Fellow classmates she might let sit on her porch. And Reagan and Lauryn she'd let come into her living room. Levi…Levi she'd shown down into the basement. She'd always thought it might scare him away. Seeing the scary parts of her. But instead he'd seemed content to settle down in her house. Undisturbed by the fact that there were some serious flaws. Would she ever find someone she could let inside again?
Cath nodded. "I guess it is...I'd never thought about it like that."
Leanne smiled. "Anything else you'd like to talk about or should we move to another topic? We only have about five minutes."
She glanced at the clock, almost disbelieving the estimate. But it was true.
"No, that's fine for today," Cath said.
"When do you find out about study abroad?" Leanne asked.
"Next week," Cath said. It felt almost unreal.
"Any anxiety about that?"
"A little," Cath admitted. "I mean...I applied on a whim. So I guess it just hasn't really sunk in yet that I could end up in another country. Do you think I'll be okay...with my anxiety and everything?"
Leanne tilted her head to the side. "Do you think you'll be okay?"
"I guess," Cath said with a shrug. "I don't know. I was really nervous last year transitioning to a new place. But this year has been so much easier...so I guess I know it will take some time to adjust."
"Unlike moving to college it won't be more than a year," Leanne pointed out. "What are you most nervous about?"
"Making friends," Cath said. "Meeting new people."
"How many friends do you have after moving to college?" Leanne asked.
"Um...a few," Cath said, thinking of Reagan and Lauryn and Thomas. Even Micah and some of Levi's housemates.
"So you have evidence you can make friends in new situations," Leanne pointed out. "What else are you nervous about?"
"Schoolwork," Cath said. "Failing."
"What's your GPA?"
"A 3.8," Cath said with a flush.
"I want you to try this technique," Leanne said. "Instead of just sensing the general feeling of anxiety, try to pick it apart and find what you're really nervous about. And then do your best to look for evidence to the contrary. As the smart successful girl you are, Cath, it really shouldn't be too hard to find some."
Cath managed a smile, even though she felt like she might cry again. What was it about therapy that seemed to inspire tears? More than anything else ever did, that was for sure.
"Well, our time is up. I'll see you next week," Leanne said.
"Okay," Cath said, standing up and reaching for her bag. "Thanks...um...I was skeptical when my dad made me start...but this is really helping."
"I'm glad," Leanne said with a nod. "You're making good progress, Cath. This all does take time. But you're making an effort and that's the important part."
Cath nodded, only hoping that was true.
That evening she was finishing up homework when Reagan threw open the door. Cath looked up as Reagan slammed her bag down and flopped onto her bed.
"How's it going?" she asked, wondering if this time she'd maybe finally get a response. It had been far too long since they'd talked beyond a quick "hi" on the way to classes.
"Fine," Reagan muttered. "I have ten minutes to close my eyes before I go to my shift. Also, I'll be out late, so if your boyfriend wants to come over you can tell him your room is free."
There was a moment where Cath assumed Reagan had simply forgotten that she wasn't dating Levi anymore. But suddenly it clicked.
"Wait...you know?" she said, sitting up straighter.
"I'm not blind," Reagan grunted, rolling over slightly to give Cath a look. "The late nights, the texts, the lunches I've seen you sitting with a guy in the cafeteria. I don't need to be Cornelius Bell to figure out you're dating again."
Cath felt her face heating up. "I... I just didn't know how to tell you. I kind of thought you'd..."
"What? Get angry? Yell at you?" Reagan said with a roll of her eyes. "I'm done being angry, okay? It's happened and nothing I say is going to change that. So, who's the mystery man?"
"Guy from one of my classes," Cath said with a shrug. "So far it's been...all right."
"All right? Damn that's some Romeo and Juliet romance right there," Reagan said, shaking her head. "You broke up with Levi for 'all right'? Seriously?"
"He's nice," Cath said. "Um...he..."
She broke off, realizing anything she had to say was just going to make it sound even more pathetic than it already did.
"You won't tell Levi, will you?" she asked, deciding to just change the subject instead.
"I'd rather not be the one to put his heart through the shredder," Reagan said. "I've had enough teary phone calls for a lifetime thank you very much. Remind me to never become best friends with anyone ever again. I'm not cut out for consoling people."
"You're sure you won't say anything?" Cath said. "I just...I don't want him to feel...I don't know..."
"If you didn't want to hurt him you shouldn't have broken up with him," Reagan said. "And no I won't. I promise. I have no desire to be the one to break it to him that you've officially moved on."
Cath realized that had to mean Levi was still hoping she'd come back to him. Her heart wrenched painfully at the thought.
"How is he?" she managed to ask.
"Other than the crying and dealing with his mom?" Reagan said sarcastically. "He's fine. I just wish he had you to talk to instead of me. If I have to hear one more thing about cows I'm going to shoot myself. I do not care how many calves have been born or how sweet Bessie is sick or whatever other nonsense he cares about. But again, perks of being a best friend I guess."
Cath wondered if this meant their agreement didn't count anymore. She supposed it didn't. Reagan could flex her best friend muscles anytime she liked now. Levi wasn't Cath's any longer.
"All right, I got to get going," Reagan muttered, pushing herself up again and reaching for her Olive Garden uniform on the floor. "You call that boyfriend over, okay? No moping. You've got a man. That's more than some of us can say, right?"
Cath nodded. "Good luck at your shift. Um...we should talk again sometime?"
"Sure," Reagan said with a wave of her hand. "At least I know you won't ramble about cows. Lunch tomorrow?"
"Yes," Cath said with a grin. "Definitely."
"All right. Have a good night. Have protected sex. Make good choices. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Pretty obvious," Cath said. She sighed in spite of her smile, glad to at least have one thing settled even if she was realizing how painful the thought of Levi still was. "Have a good night, Reagan."
"You too."
Once alone she turned back to her computer. But for once she didn't feel like writing fic. She sighed and closed it and reached for her literature reading instead. Maybe her therapist was right. Wounds left open didn't heal. But closure with Levi seemed almost impossible. Because the reality was, she didn't know that it would close until she stopped loving him... and so far she had yet to do that.
A/N: Soulmates AU. I used to scoff at these, but I just couldn't resist after the recent developments in my own life. ~Fanmage
"A date?" Tom scoffed. "You must be joking, Cornelius."
"No," he said, doing his best to keep the pleased note at a minimum. "It's quite true. I have a date this evening."
"Selene?" Tom asked. "I know she's been making eyes at you."
"Anna," Cornelius murmured. "The lovely Anna. Smart and beautiful. She'll look so lovely on my arm at the gala."
Tom smirked, lips quirking ever so slightly. He folded his arms across his broad chest, eyes glowing with mirth.
"You surprise me."
"Do I really?" Cornelius asked. "Why?"
"Because you've been a lone wolf for so long?" Tom suggested. "Because I've always thought you a man more concerned with his work than with his love life?"
"I was," Cornelius admitted. "But then the right person came along. The day to my night. The summer to my winter. My beautiful Persephone."
"Your opposite?" Tom pointed out with a grin. "You must be joking."
"She completes me," Cornelius said. "In a way no one else could. My sister used to speak of me as though I would never find love. And here I have proved her wrong. It was only a matter of finding the right person."
"She has the mark to prove it?" Tom asked, brow wiggling.
Cornelius smirked, admiring his dear friend's obvious playfulness.
"Of course," he said. "But it wouldn't have mattered. I'd have known her mark or none. Does it matter truly? Because in my opinion the soulmate hogwash really is nonsense in many respects. What matters is finding two compatible people who care for one another. Beyond that...the rest is all of little importance. Marks. Chemistry. Biology. It will all come together."
"Always the romantic," Tom scoffed. "And here I thought your drunken kiss had made you reconsider a few weeks ago."
Cornelius' mind lingered on it for a moment. The press of lips in a crowded bar, a body against his warm and familiar. Fingers wandering across his jaw. Tender brown eyes looking into his. Tongues and teeth and passion.
But then there was Anna. Her smile and her kind words. He pictured the jealous stares at the gala and he knew.
"Lust," Cornelius said with a shrug. "But not what I needed. Anna is worth ten thousand of those kisses. I wouldn't give her up for anything. And besides, the marks didn't match. How could they?"
"Just a moment ago you said marks didn't matter," Tom said, shaking his head. He scratched his head, the sleeve of his shirt riding up to reveal the blue soulmark on his own wrist. Cornelius studied it a moment. His eyes fell back to his own, noting the deep red shade that he'd become even more familiar with on Anna's wrist.
"No. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps they do after all," he whispered. "But I don't care any longer. I have my soulmate. And beyond that I couldn't care in the least."
-From "A Special Girl" posted February 2013
By FanFixx .net user Fanmage
A/N: I miss him too readers. I miss him too. This isn't forever.
So awesome news…I'm going to be teaching in France next year! I'm having my own panic about that, but in the meantime it's given me a goal for trying to get this done before I leave which has really inspired me to get going.
Thank you to bookjunkie1, hiseask17, everythingella, pinkwildcat94, Katherinelovesthenumber2, LyraLove, Kaykayand, SaviourUnleashed, The Marvellous Seeweed, JuliaBC, RiseoftheSoulGuardians, Rae is in town for reviewing!
I couldn't do it without all the amazing support so thank you to all of you guys!