Chapter Twenty-Five
An Ultimatum
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For the first time in what felt like ages, Calleigh's mind remained blissfully empty of dreams for the remainder of the night. It was almost as though nothing could reach her while she remained snuggled in Jake's arms. No dreams, no doubts, no pain. Just peaceful, needed sleep.
Or maybe Calleigh was wrong. Maybe all that had merely been a dream anyway.
Late morning sunlight was streaming into the bedroom, but all it seemed to do was taunt Calleigh. It promised warmth and light, but not to Calleigh. As she lay in bed, she stared up at the ceiling, wishing that sunlight would chase away her own darkness, much as it did to any remaining shadows in the room.
But Calleigh was cold. Cold, lost, and alone.
The other side of the bed – Jake's side – was just as empty as it had been last night, when she'd first gone to bed. So disoriented was she that she couldn't be completely sure that he'd ever been there at all.
Had she merely dreamed Jake's return? Had he even come back at all?
And if so, why had he left her alone?
So clearly she could see him kneeling in front of her as she blinked sleepily on the couch. She could still feel every touch of his fingers along her cheek, through her hair. He'd kissed her softly, and then carried her back to bed. Or had he? What if Calleigh had dreamed every last bit of that?
Weakly, Calleigh reached over for his pillow, pulling it into her arms as she'd done nearly every night he'd been away. It was comforting; as she breathed in, there was no way she could ignore the way his scent seemed to be more strongly imprinted on the fabric than it had been before. It set her at ease…but it still didn't take away that she hadn't woken up with him.
It was trivial, maybe, but after the week she'd had, all she'd wanted was to wake up in his arms.
Her body feeling heavy and weak, Calleigh somehow managed to pull herself out of bed. She stumbled to the bathroom, immediately wincing as she took a good look at herself in the mirror. There were no other words for it; she looked terrible. Exhaustion and stress were clearly written upon her features. Her eyes were dull, almost a greyish green instead of her natural emerald green. Her skin was pale, more so than usual, serving only to emphasize the dark circles rapidly darkening beneath her eyes. Her hair even looked lifeless.
Coupled with waking cold and alone, the physical manifestation of her pain only emphasized what she knew she had to do. Calleigh couldn't keep doing this. She brushed her teeth and took one more look at herself before leaving the bathroom. With a deep breath, she opened the drawer on her bedside table, pulling out the manila envelope. It was now or never.
Her legs were surprisingly steady as they carried her down the hallway and into the kitchen. As she stood in the doorway, her eyes took in the sight before her. An already dressed Jake was pulling a skillet from the cabinet, obviously preparing to make breakfast. Did he know what Calleigh was planning to do? Was he trying to distract her? Calleigh doubted it, but it still didn't mean she could allow him to cook for her, not this morning. That was one of her weaknesses, and she could do nothing about it.
Before he could get started, Calleigh cleared her throat, knowing she wasn't ready for this, but knowing she had to do it anyway. "Jake…" she called softly, only loud enough to catch his attention. Insecurely she stood in the doorway, clutching that manila envelope behind her back.
Jake turned to face her, the smile that tugged at his lips nearly breaking Calleigh's resolve, not to mention her heart. "Hey, beautiful," he said, just as quietly. He allowed his eyes to take her in, frowning slightly at her obvious hesitancy. Her gaze was to the floor, and her teeth were very anxiously worrying her lower lip. Something was wrong, but Jake couldn't figure out what exactly it was. "I was just getting ready to fix some breakfast. I know you love –"
"I'm not hungry, Jake," Calleigh admitted quietly. She did love his cooking, but she knew that this morning, it would only make her nauseous. Everything was making her nauseous. There was no way she would be able to eat, whether it was something special fixed by Jake, or even just a small bowl of cereal. No matter how much she needed the energy, every part of her body from her stomach to her heart would protest every last bite.
Jake's smile faded. "Is everything okay?" he asked, taking a good look at her for the first time in the light. He'd known the night before that she was exhausted, but now that he was seeing her fully, she looked…fragile. Broken, even.
Concern in his eyes, Jake started to move toward Calleigh, wanting nothing more than to take her in his arms. She looked so broken this morning, and all Jake wanted to do was hold her and make everything better, whatever the problem was.
But Calleigh, it seemed, had other plans. With a deep breath, Calleigh pulled her hands from behind her back, revealing the envelope she'd been holding, effectively stopping Jake in his tracks. She watched stoically as all the color drained from his face. "Your dad was never in the hospital, was he?"
Jake hesitated for a moment. This wasn't part of the plan; she wasn't supposed to find those papers. "I can explain, Calleigh."
"I think you'd better, Jake."
He turned his back to her, turning off the warming oven. He could tell by looking at Calleigh that she needed to eat, but he also knew she wouldn't. And Jake had a feeling he was going to have enough of an argument on his hands this morning. "You were never supposed to find those papers," he admitted quietly.
Calleigh narrowed her eyes. "What does that mean, Jake?" she asked, feeling offended. "You were just always going to lie to me? Or just hope I never discovered the truth?"
Jake leaned over the kitchen counter, letting out a deep breath. "Calleigh, you remember Sam Brody, right?"
Calleigh blinked. That wasn't the reply she had expected. And besides, what did he have to do with any of this? "Your old partner, right?" she said after a moment.
Jake nodded slowly. Wordlessly he stepped around the counter, taking a seat at the other side of it. For a moment he waited, feeling as Calleigh laid the envelope down and sat beside of him. "Yeah, my old partner. My first partner. He's uh, he's in prison. He's serving a life sentence for murder."
"Oh my God," Calleigh breathed. Slowly she was beginning to remember. She'd known Sam, vaguely. He'd been a great cop, highly respected by everyone in the department. And he'd been found guilty of murder? The story Calleigh had heard was that he'd taken a new position somewhere out west. Was that a prerequisite for working undercover, that even one's life outside of that life had to be nothing but a lie?
"Yeah. And I was with him that night, over a decade ago," Jake continued with a slight groan. If only his original plan had worked, he wouldn't have had to relive any of this. But now, here he was, having to divulge every part of it to Calleigh. He understood why she deserved to know, but that didn't make it any easier to dig up all of his old skeletons.
Knowing he had slightly stunned Calleigh into silence, Jake began, seeing the events scroll through his mind like a dark horror movie. "It was a dark, rainy night. We were patrolling an obscure alleyway together, waiting…" he swallowed, trying but failing to find a way around this. He'd told Calleigh that he'd done things he wasn't proud of, but he'd always denied to her his involvement with any kind of drugs. Undercover, it was what he had to do to avoid blowing an entire case, but it was never something he wanted Calleigh knowing about, or worse, associated with, especially when knowing the littlest details was enough to land someone in serious danger. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "We were waiting for a drop-off of heroin," he admitted, watching Calleigh tense beside him. "It was dark and windy, but there was just enough light to cause shadows on the walls. The littlest noises had me jumping out of my skin," Jake continued, chuckling slightly in an effort to lighten the mood. Tension had never sat well with him.
Calleigh, obviously, was not amused. "So what happened?" she asked, crossing her arms.
Jake let out a deep breath, raking his fingers through his short locks. "Somebody saw us, a man. Somehow he knew what we were there for. But he didn't know we were cops, and we couldn't very well reveal that."
"So who was he?"
"I didn't find this out until later, but he was a husband, a father of three young kids. Money was tight for them; his wife was sick and unable to work. He was struggling to work three jobs to support them, and they were still coming up short. He had to walk to each job because they couldn't afford to keep a car." Jake shook his head, the details churning his stomach just as they had when he'd first found out. "I was at the other end of the alley, keeping a look-out for the guys we were waiting for. I don't know what happened, but I turned around and – and…"
"And what, Jake?" Realizing her tone sounded a bit harsh, Calleigh reached out, gently brushing her fingers against his arm.
"It was no accident, Calleigh. I stood there and watched Sam kill that man in cold blood. And then…" Jake lowered his eyes, feeling the guilt hit him so viscerally. "I helped him cover it up."
Calleigh gave a low groan. "Oh God, Jake," she murmured in disbelief. "Why didn't you just walk away? Why didn't you file a report or something?"
"Calleigh, you've never worked undercover," Jake answered, his voice plainly displaying all the guilt he'd carried for over a decade. "In that kind of life, your partner becomes the only one you can count on while you're undercover. Your partner becomes your family, your confidante. You can't turn your back on your partner." He winced, remembering the night he'd finally given Sam up. "And if you do, the rest of the department turns on you…" he trailed off, his eyes trained on the floor below.
After a moment, the implications of his final statement came clear to Calleigh. "You did give him up, didn't you?"
Jake nodded tersely. "I helped Sam get rid of the body. I helped him clean up the scene, and I was sure we left no trace behind. But then again, I was still young. And Sam was more concerned about getting out of there quickly than cleanly. I was so sick afterward; I'd never seen anybody murdered before, and then to have all that blood to clean up…" Jake gave a shudder, and Calleigh had the urge to reach out and gently squeeze his knee in reassurance. But, she resisted, and Jake continued. "But it wasn't enough. The wife filed a missing persons report. The man Sam killed, he often used that alley as a shortcut home from work. It was practically the first place they started investigating." By now, Jake was sweating from recounting all this. "Well, they found evidence, and they knew that Sam and I had been in that alley that night."
Calleigh watched him intently, her own emotions in turmoil. She was confused, for she had not the slightest idea what this had to do with their current predicament. Was he trying to divert her attention? Or was everything somehow connected? She felt terrible for Jake, but she was still angry at him. Disappointed, even. She felt for him, but how generous with her feelings could she be, after the secrets she'd uncovered?
Beside her, Jake fought internally with his own emotions. How much could he possibly reveal to her? He knew he'd never been good with vocalizing his thoughts and actions. For him, the opposite of easier said than done was often true. He cleared his throat, not sure if it was really trying to close up on him, or if he was merely imagining it. "Eventually, they hauled both of us in for questioning. It was a long three and a half weeks, but during those three and a half weeks, they got nothing from either of us. I could take the pressure. The threats, the hours and hours of being locked in that hot, humid interrogation room. I probably could've gone another three and a half weeks without saying anything."
"But for some reason, you did?" Calleigh assumed, trying to piece together the puzzle in her mind. "What changed?"
And there it was, the first question that Jake could not find the words to answer. He knew the answer; the answer was never a secret to him. But it was an answer laced deeply with emotion, and he couldn't find his voice to say the simple answer – you.
He hesitated for a moment too long, and Calleigh took the initiative, unwittingly saving him from the emotional truth. "You just cracked," she stated, watching the emotion roll in waves over Jake's features. "The pressure caused something to snap, didn't it?" It was a reality that Calleigh knew all too well – it hadn't been that long ago that pressure and stress had caused her to snap as well. She knew how it worked.
He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I did," he sighed. He wanted to tell her, he really did, but how could he when there were just so many variables? Calleigh wasn't open to him right now; he could tell that. How would she react to knowing that she was the reason he did everything he'd done? What if her feelings didn't run as deeply as his did; what if the look in her eyes told him she wouldn't have done the same in his position? Could his heart take that? Could he possibly look her in the eye and tell her that, without knowing what he'd find there?
Jake knew he was chickening out, after spending so many days planning out this very conversation in his mind. But in his mind, he hadn't taken into consideration the sheer emotion involved. Nothing was ever as straightforward as it was in his mind. He leaned forward, burying his face in his hands.
And then Calleigh asked the question – well, one of the questions – that he dreaded. "So why is Sam the only one serving time? You…you're an accessory."
Jake couldn't help but flinch at the slight accusatory tone in her voice. "Because I didn't come clean, Calleigh."
"But I thought you just said –"
"I didn't come clean," he repeated. "I didn't confess to my part in it."
And suddenly, a lot of the murkiness was cleared away for Calleigh. "You saved yourself," she remarked quietly. "You saved yourself while giving up your partner." It surprised her, the amount of anger that surged within her at Jake's admission. For as long as she'd known Jake, she'd watched him fight for self-preservation. Everything was always about him. The bike gang case, where Jake had been a suspect in the murder of his partner – he wouldn't step outside of his assumed role to help Calleigh or his partner's memory.
"I can't step out for you, Calleigh." His words rang once more in her ears, and once more she was left wondering. Can't? Or won't? Now, he had another partner for whom he wouldn't tarnish his own image. He always had to be in the middle of everything that happened, until things went south. And at that point, he just wanted out, without any thought to anybody else. He wouldn't surrender himself for either of his partners, and he sure as hell had never surrendered himself for Calleigh.
In a decade's time, Jake hadn't changed. And now, Calleigh couldn't help feeling deceived. Had he once again used his charm to hide the way he really was? Just the very idea sent ice water gushing through her veins. Abruptly she stood, biting her lip as she crossed her arms over her chest. "That's just so typical of you, isn't it?" she murmured dangerously.
Jake's jaw dropped. "What?" He wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go, but he hadn't prepared for it to turn on him so quickly.
"It was always about you, wasn't it, Jake? Only looking out for number one?"
He was completely unprepared for the way her words stung him to the very core, hitting him hard enough to knock the breath out of him. And how was he even supposed to respond to that? That had been an integral part of his undercover life; it had been what he'd shown Calleigh time and time again in order to keep his cover intact. "That's not completely true, Calleigh."
Calleigh scoffed. "Isn't it? Everything you do, you don't do it with only your interests in mind?"
Jake sighed. "Calleigh, I tried to get out of UC work," he confessed for the first time. Calleigh didn't reply, but her eyes held a twinge of mild surprise. "Shortly after that fiasco with Sam – after that all calmed down, I tried to get out. I wanted out, beautiful. I honestly did."
"But I thought that was your dream career," Calleigh said, confused.
"Yeah, it was. But after that point in time, it was tainted for me. I could handle almost anything they threw at me; the drugs, the alcohol, the coercive relationships –"
"You told me you weren't involved in any of that," Calleigh interrupted, a flicker of hurt in her eyes. He'd lied to her about that, too. At this point, she was beginning to wonder if there was any truth at all to his life, their relationship.
"I did what I had to do to survive," Jake replied, not proud of that fact. "But murder was never something I was okay with. After that, I wanted to run away as fast as I could. And I…" he paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I wanted out so I could be with you completely. I stayed in only because I was being blackmailed," he finished, leaving out what he truly was being blackmailed with. When the department had turned on him, they'd turned on him completely. "It was only after I'd lost you that I was able to go back in and enjoy working undercover again, because it was all I had left."
Calleigh was silent for a moment, as her mind tried desperately to process the massive amount of information he had just thrown at her. Ten years, and this was the first she had heard of much of his secret life. "You kept all this from me for ten years," she realized aloud, biting hard at her lip. "So why tell me now?" Her eyes hardened as mentally she drew her shell around herself, not ready to feel the coming onslaught of pain. "If you didn't trust me with all this back then, what makes today so different?"
Jake gave a groan, frustratedly rubbing at his tired eyes. "It's not a matter of trust, Calleigh. It was never a matter of trust."
"So you can honestly tell me that you weren't afraid I'd rat you out?" Calleigh challenged, taking a few steps back. Distance was control; the more space she had between herself and Jake, the better. "Knowing how much honesty and my career all mean to me, you weren't afraid that I'd do the right thing just because it was the right thing to do?"
Her words stunned him into momentarily silence, as honestly, that idea had never even crossed his mind until now. Should she have turned him in if she'd known? Yes. But had he ever wondered if she would turn him in or keep his secret? No, he hadn't. That wasn't something that had ever factored into his decision to keep this from her.
Calleigh, however, took his silence as an affirmation. "Never a matter of trust," she scoffed, glancing to the right. No matter how strong her shell was, knowing that still hurt her.
Jake stood, but it was with a force so strong that he had to hold himself back from gathering her into his arms. "I wanted to protect you."
"I don't need to be protected, Jake," Calleigh replied, annoyed.
"That's not what I meant, Calleigh," Jake retorted, a little too harshly. After the past few weeks he'd had, he couldn't stop himself from getting worked up like that. Forcing some control back into his voice, he continued. "I didn't want you to know anything that could come back to haunt you, like it has me. You had no part in any of this; you don't deserve to be tainted by it. That's the only reason I never told you any of this."
"In other words, you just didn't trust me to keep it quiet, right? You were afraid I'd crumble and confess the first time somebody looked at me crossly, didn't you?" Her eyes drifted to the envelope which had fallen forgotten on the floor, and Calleigh gave a sharp, bitter laugh. "And earlier I was upset because you enjoyed your undercover work so much that you had to go to work behind my back. Turns out I'm just completely in the dark about your entire life. I never even knew who you were!"
At those words, Jake felt his control snap like a twig. True, nobody had really known who he really was back then, but if there was anybody who'd come the closest to knowing the real Jake Berkeley, it was Calleigh. She knew more about him than his own family ever had. He knew she was upset, but her anger served to infuse his own anger, and he couldn't help feeling like the trust he did have in her was being taken for granted. "Oh, come on, Calleigh. You didn't trust me with your past ten years ago either! I guess you thought I'd find some way to use it against you, huh? Or maybe you just didn't trust me enough to not be like your old man!" As soon as the words had left his lips, Jake regretted them. It was only there briefly, but there was no way Jake could've missed the momentary flash of deep hurt that flickered across Calleigh's eyes.
But it was gone as soon as it had appeared, replaced by the fire Jake had always known never to cross. "Fine," she said quietly, dangerously. "You know what, Jake? I didn't trust you! Okay? I admit it – I didn't trust you!" The telltale sting of tears was beginning to prick her eyes, and Calleigh turned her back to him, unwilling to cry at all, but even more unwilling to let him see her cry. "You were always lying to me, but I accepted it as part of your job. You couldn't tell me what you were doing, or where you were going, and I understood that. But you were never home when you told me you would be home. You left me in the earliest hours of the morning, leaving me to wonder where the hell you'd run off to when I woke up alone those mornings. You repeatedly chose your career over our relationship, even in the times when I needed you with me more than anything!"
Jake gaped. "Calleigh, you always told me to go! You told me you'd be okay." So desperately he tried to ignore the pain that had hit him like a slap to the face at her unwelcome revelation. She didn't trust him.
"What was I supposed to do, Jake?" She threw up her hands in surrender as she turned once more to face him, unknowingly plunging a thousand hot knives straight into Jake's heart. He could so clearly see the unshed tears in her eyes, and he could see the resolve with which she was holding them back. It killed him that he was doing this to her; never mind the fact that he'd been doing this to her for years without fully knowing the impact. "What was I supposed to do?" she repeated. "Was I supposed to break down and cry and beg for you not to leave me? Was I supposed to admit that watching you walk away from me for God only knew how long was killing me? Was I supposed to tell you how many sleepless nights I spent wondering whether you were alive or dead, or whether you were ever coming home again?" She paused to take a much needed breath. Her heart was pounding erratically against her chest, and her entire body trembled with the force of this admission. "Would any of that have made you stay?" she continued, her voice noticeably softer.
If ever there was a question that sent his heart tumbling through the shredder, that was it. How could he answer that? He couldn't have stayed with her; his entire life had been out of his hands. He'd had no choice. He'd had to leave her and go undercover just so he'd know for a fact that she was safe. "Calleigh, it wasn't that easy," he replied, his voice strained. "It's never that easy."
Calleigh gave a bitter, pained laugh. "Yes it was, Jake. It was, and it is. All it is is a choice between us and your undercover work. And you chose work over us every single time!" Calleigh breathed in deeply, feeling every emotion that she'd felt a decade ago come back to her. "How could I trust you with anything back then, Jake?" she asked, feeling as though her heart were locked tightly in a vice. "I never knew if I was ever going to see you again."
In her voice was the slightest, almost imperceptible tremble, and Jake had to lower his eyes, unable to look at her. "I'm sorry, Calleigh," he said quietly, fidgeting with his hands. He wanted to break down himself, this was hurting him that much.
But what tore at him even more was the lack of faith in Calleigh's reply. "Are you?" She didn't give Jake a chance to reply. "Are you keeping any other secrets from me?
Jake stared. "Calleigh, that's not fair."
Calleigh raised a challenging eyebrow. "It's not?" she asked, giving a disbelieving chuckle. "I cannot believe you're the one standing here telling me what's fair and what's not. You knew exactly what you were doing, all those years ago. I never knew how I was going to make it through another day, let alone the nights. You knew exactly what you were doing and where you were going this time, and you chose to lie to me! I thought you were off taking care of your sick dad while you were really off doing whatever the hell you were doing. And then I found that envelope, and I discovered that you still can't turn your back on that secret life of yours. Your work means more to you than I ever did. That's what's not fair, Jake," Calleigh finished, unable to stop the true depth of her pain from showing through in her words.
"The only reason I chose my career over you is because I had no choice!" Jake shouted, frustration in every fiber of his being. "I didn't know what to do. I wasn't much more than just a kid back then. I made a lot of mistakes, Calleigh, and I'd take every one of them back if it meant I could fix everything I ever put you through. And that…that's not a lie, Calleigh."
"But you're doing the same thing now!" Calleigh protested, feeling almost ready to rip her hair out. She didn't understand any of this. He was sorry, but he was doing everything he'd done before? He would take everything back, but in the present he was still doing everything the same way? She was so confused, so torn. Nothing was ever certain with this man; Calleigh never knew what to expect. But this time, she had thought she could take a chance with him by expecting the positive. And now, it was just like a decade ago. "You lied to me; you hurt me, just so you could keep your secrets safe!"
"I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you! Why can't you see that?" Jake persisted, his eyes begging her to see the truth. But inside, he knew that she wouldn't be able to see it fully unless he told her everything. And even telling her this much had been harder than he'd thought. He didn't know if he could find the words to tell her the rest. He didn't know if she would even let him reveal the rest.
"Because that doesn't make sense, Jake!" Calleigh felt her fists clench at her sides as she tried to control her shaky hands. "You know me. You know how hard it was for me to trust you with my past. And you're the only one I've trusted with that! I trusted you, and you just proved that I was right for not trusting you before!" She paused for a moment, staring Jake down, just daring him to reply. She was hurt, yes, but she was also angry. She would yell and push him out of her home before she would crumble into his arms and cry. That was just how Calleigh was. "Now I need you to tell me the truth, Jake," she continued, the seriousness in her eyes plainly evident. "What else are you keeping from me?"
Jake sighed, deeply pained. "Calleigh…"
"I'm serious, Jake. Are you keeping anything else from me?"
He still hadn't told her the main part of his past, the reasoning for everything he'd done. He still kept to himself the fact that she was the reason he'd cracked under pressure, that the idea of her ever being in any kind of danger made him sick to his stomach. He had yet to reveal to her that every decision he'd made, he'd made with her best interests in his heart. And, most importantly, he had yet to tell her why. He had yet to tell her his deepest, most sincere truth, the truth that he'd only been brave enough to utter once she had been sound asleep in his arms. He needed to tell her that.
But as closed-off as Calleigh was currently, Jake knew she'd never believe he'd done everything he'd done because of his love for her. It would only push her further away. All Jake could do now was brace himself for the continued fallout of lying to her, of keeping secrets for ten years.
She wouldn't accept his apologies, not now.
He'd expected the yelling; he'd expected the anger. But what broke his heart the most was the way his tired beauty's shoulders eventually slumped, and a defeated flicker flashed through her beautiful green eyes. Her anger was breaking, making way for her heartbreak to reach the surface. And when finally she lifted her gaze back to his, the broken look in those gorgeous orbs made him feel like the worst person on the face of the planet, knowing he'd put that pain there. "So I guess you've made your decision?" she asked quietly.
"My decision?" Jake croaked out, his mouth painfully dry.
Calleigh nodded, pursing her lips. "Yeah, your decision. You can't have both." She hesitated for a moment, weighing the true impact of her ultimatum before offering it up to him. "So what's it going to be? Me, or your undercover life?"
"Damn it, Calleigh," Jake murmured. It was an impossible decision – not because it was a decision he couldn't make, but because he knew which one he wanted. It just so happened that his path had been set out for him a long time ago, and not by him. "You read those papers, didn't you?"
A terse nod was his only answer. "Then you know that it's just one assignment. Once that one is done, then I'm done. I'm out. I can come home to you."
Blinking furiously, Calleigh bit at her lip. He hadn't answered, but in evading the question, he'd given her all the answer she'd ever needed. "It was always just one more assignment with you, Jake."
Jake let out an exasperated breath. "Calleigh, this time it's really just one more assignment. Once I'm done with this one, then this blackmail thing…it's over. It's the deal I made." Actually, it was the deal that had been made for him; Jake had just been forced to accept it. But how else was he going to clear away his past? "Look, beautiful, I need you to trust me on this, okay?" he coaxed softly, taking a tentative step toward her.
Calleigh gave a bitter laugh, avoiding his eyes as though looking into them would be her downfall. "Why, so you can lie to me again?" Jake opened his mouth to protest, but Calleigh was quick to cut him off. "You know what, Jake? I'm done. I can't do this again. I won't." Feeling her eyes begin to sting once more, she ducked her head, pushing past him before he could touch her. What she needed was to have her back to him; she needed to know he couldn't stare directly into her soul, through the deepest realm of her vulnerability. She needed distance.
But Jake was faster than her; he'd always been faster than her. "Please don't walk away from me, Calleigh," he very nearly begged, catching her by the shoulders. Having not the energy to fight him, she stopped, but he felt her stiffen as he pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her soft, golden locks. "I never wanted to hurt you, sweetheart…"
"Don't call me that," Calleigh said quietly, the warning in her voice undeniable. She held her entire body stiffly still, refusing to shiver at the sensation of being in his arms. She couldn't let herself enjoy that.
It was a slap to the face, hearing those words from her lips. Jake faltered, feeling any words he might've said to her die upon his lips. It was far too soon for his liking that she began to struggle against his embrace, extricating herself from his arms, leaving him feeling strangely empty.
Her back to him, Calleigh called upon her final bit of strength and resolve, knowing she'd need both to carry her through the next few moments. Jake had made his decision. She had made hers. He had chosen his undercover work. She had chosen not to take the emotional beating of waiting to see if he would actually come home to her.
Now, only one decision remained, and it fell to Calleigh's hands. Summoning her voice, she blinked furiously, pushing back the tears before she allowed herself to speak. "You should go now," she said quietly, barely louder than a whisper.
The confusion slammed into him like a freight train. "Go?" he asked, hoping she wasn't saying what he thought she was saying. But the chances of that were rather slim; she had said before that she was done. "Calleigh, what –"
"I said, I think you should leave," she said, more firmly than before. "You can get your stuff tomorrow."
"Calleigh, please," he murmured, closing the distance between them. Didn't she realize how badly this was killing him? Even his own eyes felt strangely full, the corners of them burning. He lay a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Calleigh abruptly pulled away from him, as though his touch had burned her. "I said get out, Jake! I don't want you here!"
She had expected him to lash out at her. Yell at her, argue with her. Hell, she'd even expected him to grab her shoulders, spin her around and kiss her soundly on the mouth before he did what he actually did. Instead of responding verbally, he obliged her request.
What else could he do? Everything he'd said or done today had hurt her, and that in turn had broken his own heart.
Her back turned, she felt his presence grow farther and farther away from her. She heard him pick up his keys from the kitchen counter. She felt his footsteps as they grew near to her, and moved past her. It hit her then; he was actually, honestly leaving.
Did Calleigh want to stop him?
Would it matter if she did?
She allowed those questions to fade away unanswered as she braced herself for the sound of the front door slamming. She was prepared for that, she could handle that.
But what Calleigh heard was the soft, hollow click of a door closed in defeat, in heartbreak. It was a sound that echoed loudly through her ears, but as it quickly faded, it left behind the unbearable reality of being completely and truly alone.
Jake was gone.
Gone.
Reaching out, Calleigh braced herself against the wall as that truth sank into her with a vengeance. She'd forced Jake away, and he hadn't been angry; he'd been heartbroken. And then, there was the way she felt…how did Calleigh feel? Not even she knew, but whatever it was didn't feel good, that was for certain.
Turning slowly, Calleigh rested her back against the wall with a deep sigh, trying her best to ignore the trembling that began in her fingers and slowly progressed throughout the rest of her body. With everything within her, she concentrated solely on taking deep, steady breaths.
Breathe in, breathe out.
But the resolve that she had held so tightly to was only so strong. As soon as her ears registered the fading sound of his car as he drove away from her, Calleigh could stand tall no longer. She clamped a hand over her mouth, but it did nothing to muffle the sob that escaped her lips.
He was really gone.
And now, you may never see him again.
"Oh God," she mumbled, suddenly as nauseous as she'd been the night before. Her knees buckled beneath her, and Calleigh slowly allowed her body to sink to the cold floor below. But the cold never even registered to her, for her body was already numb.
Her mind was suddenly flooded with images of the night that she had let him back into her life. She could still see that night so viscerally, standing with him on the other side of her front door, the door which she'd opened so willingly for him. She'd trusted him; she'd let him back in.
And then, it was as though that trust meant nothing. He'd violated it, probably just as easily as he'd violated it before.
She had trusted him with the darkest secrets of her past, willingly. And yet, he hadn't revealed his secrets to her until she'd been forced to pry them out. Was he ever going to trust her with them if she hadn't found that envelope? Did her trust, or their relationship, mean anything to him at all?
Despite the strength that she had prided herself in keeping for so long, Calleigh couldn't seem to find the energy to keep that wall from finally crumbling. She'd kicked him out; she'd thought it was the best thing to do for herself. Ending things had seemed like the only way she could take back her own control.
But regaining control over her emotions did not mean sinking to the floor as the tears finally spilled from her eyes. And once those first tears had broken through, Calleigh was defenseless to stop them. They'd been held back for far too long, and Calleigh just didn't have the strength to continue holding them back. And she couldn't deny the fact that she already missed Jake.
They began slowly, mere tears slipping silently from her eyes. But with those tears flowed memories; it was as though she had a photo album right there in her mind, showing her everything she'd had with Jake, past and present. Everything she'd given up, twice.
But he'd lied to her, not just twice. Calleigh wasn't sure if she'd ever know how many times he'd lied to her; how many secrets he'd kept from her. All she knew now, as the sobs began to wrack her tiny frame, was how deeply it hurt. It was as though he'd repeatedly plunged a knife into her before leaving her cold and broken on the floor.
She'd thought she could do this. She'd thought this would be better for her, for both of them.
Calleigh had thought nothing could hurt as badly as walking away from him ten years ago had hurt.
She'd been wrong.