What If
Chapter 25
Mike grabbed the milk and bread that Christine had asked for, along with the bouquet of sunflowers that had had her name all over them at the grocery store. He had also bought the kids ice cream for after dinner and a book for Mary. Normally he wouldn't have spoiled them but they needed it and he wanted to at least make Christine somewhat happy.
When he walked through the house to the living area, he noticed Mary in her bedroom. He stepped in and handed her the book and got a huge smile in response. She told him that Christine was cooking dinner and the kids were in the living room. As soon as he walked in with the flowers in his free hand, Christine gave him a massive smile.
"Those are pretty." She said as he handed them to her.
"I'm glad you like them. I couldn't remember if you liked sunflowers and they're only from the grocery store." Mike explained as he put the milk and ice cream away.
"I love sunflowers and tulips. And I don't mind them being from the grocery store. I just love fresh flowers. Is that ice cream for after supper?" Christine asked. Mike had noticed Molleigh eyeing him from the living room but he wasn't sure why.
"Yeah. Figured dessert. Molleigh, what's wrong?" Mike asked the little girl and indicated for her to come into the kitchen with him and Christine.
"When are you leaving? You just got back and you're spending time with us now instead of talking on your phone all the time and…" Molleigh would have continued but she dissolved into tears and stuffed her face into Christine's stomach.
"Mike, I think its your uniform. Every time she's ever seen you in a uniform, you've been leaving. Go change and I'll talk to her." Christine told him.
"Oh, right. I had to wear it with the meeting I had today." Mike said.
"I'll explain that to her. Go on. Put something more comfortable on." Christine told him as she knelt next to Molleigh. Mike noticed that Hannah and Patrick also gave him very guarded looks. He ran up the steps and took a fast shower, changing into a pair of swim trunks and a t-shirt. He had to admit, taking the uniform off was a relief. He was beginning to realize how neglectful of a father he had been to his kids. It was time to explain to his kids that he had put his papers in. Hopefully, it would end the air of tension.
He walked back downstairs and smiled at his kids gathered around the kitchen island. Katie had gotten home and Christine was gently explaining to them that they would be seeing their dad in his work uniform more but it didn't mean he was leaving. Hannah and Katie seemed to understand but the twins were confused by so much. Mike decided to take matters in his own hands.
"I will have to wear my uniform for a few meetings and possibly a party, but I actually turned in my retirement papers today. It will take about a month for me to phase out but it'll be easier since I'm not currently deployed. I won't have to work a regular schedule because of some banked up vacation time, but I'll be home a lot." Mike explained.
"But…my medicines cost so much." Hannah said, obviously worried.
"Part of my retirement package is health benefits for myself and your mom until we die and you kids until your twenty-five." Mike told her.
"This house?" Katie asked.
"It sounds like we'll be able to stay here. You kids don't need to worry about that stuff. Just know that I am home for good." Mike told them. He anticipated the kids to be more excited but they all just kind of shrugged and walked into the living room. "I thought they'd be more excited." Mike remarked to Christine who was putting their dinner in serving bowls and platters for Mike to carry into the dining room.
"Mike, you've said it before. That you're home for good. Just not that you've retired. You will have to prove it. Rachel called me and…" Christine started and Mike put the platter of chicken fried steak in clear excitement.
"And, she has it?" Mike said.
"She's…no, Mike. She had a trial that she thought would work but her lab rat died. She's modifying, evaluating and experimenting. It takes time." Christine explained.
"How much time does she have?" Mike asked quietly. It was disappointing.
"I don't know. I will tell you, the specialist suggested calling hospice in but I want to refuse it. We know Hannah wants to stay at home and I'm fine with that, but I'm her mother. I want to care for my baby." Christine said emotionally.
"I know you are capable of taking care of her and she couldn't ask for a better nurse, but if it gets to be too much, I need you to be willing to concede. If it comes down to it, it is not going to be easy and you already take care of your mom. Is this experimental medicine going to be expensive?" Mike asked. He'd put his arm around Christine and she had kind of sagged into him.
"I'm sure if they can get it safe for her, it will be. The benefit package won't pay for it, will it?" Christine asked as they began carrying food into the dining room.
"No. But Tom has something up his sleeve. I have no idea what. No telling with him. Said he had had an offer and he passed it but was going to check and see if it was open to me." Mike explained.
"Not selling your body or something crazy like that?" Christine said with a smile. He knew she was joking and it felt normal.
"I would refuse that offer too." Mike told her.
"I would hope. Alright, while I get Mom, can you have the kids set the table?" Christine asked. She started to walk out but Mike caught her hand.
"Of course, and please know, what happened with Andrea will never happen again. Obviously, not with her but also not with any other woman. I don't know if we will ever get back to that point again, but even if we don't; I will never look elsewhere. I couldn't stand to hurt you again like this." Mike told her. Since Christine had told him the severity of Hannah's illness, they hadn't even discussed their marriage.
"I know, I just wish it hadn't happened in the first place. The fact that you cared about her really hurts. The extent of your relationship hurts. I don't know what would have been better, if this is better then a fling or a one-night stand? I also don't know why. I think the why hurts more then the who or the how. Until we figure out the why, what was so wrong with me, then no; we will not ever get that back." Christine said quietly.
"I understand that. Do you remember that night after the government coup? The night we had the hotel room and everything?" Mike asked.
"Yes. It was a nice night." Christine said. She had a sad tone and he knew she was remembering how she felt like she had done something wrong when Mike couldn't perform.
"I don't think it was anything you did. I think it was me. You were so…beautiful. Still are." Mike said.
"Mike, can we discuss this later? The food is going to get cold and…I think you're wrong." Christine said before she pulled away and walked out of the dining room. She headed for Mary's room and Mike walked into the living area and began instructing the kids on how to set the table and helping Hannah carry in the drinks. Within a couple minutes, Christine and Mary joined them and they began eating the delicious dinner.
As Mike watched Christine from across the table, feeding Mary and herself, all while having a conversation with Katie about one of her classes; Mike tried to figure exactly what it was about her. He still felt it was him but she seemed fixated. It made him remember that night.
"I'm sorry, Mike. I thought I had lost all the weight from the twins." Christine said as she rubbed his back. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her.
"I don't think it was you. Let's just go to sleep." Mike said as he turned and laid down. Neither of them had any clothes on and he considered putting his boxers on, but he didn't want to shut down anything happening later. Christine cuddled close and propped her chin up on her hand.
"It's not uncommon. You've had a stressful experience and I'm not twenty anymore. That probably is bothering you more then either of us care to admit. And men your age…sometimes have issues." Christine said. Mike raised up and looked at her in shock. She was supposed to be soothing his ego, not making it worse.
"So, this won't get better?" Mike asked.
"It might have only been a one-time thing, Mike. Don't get discouraged. We'll try again later and see what happens. I'll read up on it and see if there's something I can do. You've never had any problems in this area and I'm confident this is just a one-time problem." Christine assured him and then gave him a kiss before rolling over and going to sleep.
As Mike watched Christine, he remembered that they had never tried again later. He had never had issues like that with Andrea but it was not what it had been like with Christine. So, was it something with Christine? And how would he ever figure it out if they weren't ready to be intimate? He could certainly understand Christine's hesitancy, he'd caused it, but he didn't know what his next step would be.
They finished eating supper and ate the ice cream Mike had bought. Katie wanted to stay in and study and told Christine she would help Mary when it was time for her to bed, allowing Mike and Christine to take the twins and Hannah outside to swim. Christine had changed into a simple, black bathing suit and was playing with Patrick.
If anything, her figure was more toned because of having to lift and help Mary. She was forty-three but looked closer to her mid-thirties, even with some gray in her hair and a few worry lines. She bent down to pick up one of Patrick's water toys and Mike snuck a look. That part of her hadn't changed either. She had a knock-out body. He didn't know how long he stared but suddenly Hannah tapped his elbow.
"Dad, your gonna freak Mom out." Hannah said quietly.
"I…just trying to figure something out. How long was I staring?" Mike asked.
"Long enough that I noticed but she didn't. You are trying to figure out why you walked out on her?" Hannah said, she was good at stating the obvious.
"Something like that. I think it was something with me and she thinks it was her." Mike said.
"And Katie and I think its our fault." Hannah said. Mike knew one thing for absolute certain. His dying child could not think that she was the reason he deserted his family. He put an arm around her and pulled her close.
"Sweetie, nothing you or Katie did caused this mess. It was something with me and maybe your mom. I don't want you to even think like this." Mike told her.
"Are you only saying that because of how sick I am?" Hannah asked.
"No, I fully intend on saying the same thing to Katie, and Molleigh and Patrick if I need to. I walked out on you guys too and you didn't deserve it. Clear?" Mike asked.
"Yes, sir." Hannah answered simply.
"Alright, just remember that. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I do love you and your brother and sisters. More then you will ever know and that didn't stop when I left, even if I acted like it." Mike said. He dropped his arm and Hannah simply nodded at him and walked away. He hoped they could repair their relationship before something happened to her. He would be absolutely destroyed if they didn't.