25

They rode in the carriage to the inn where Sally was staying, stopping on the way to collect a discreet doctor that Kate knew. Kate explained what she knew to the doctor and Richard while they rode – Richard looked appalled, but the doctor didn't bat an eyelid. Richard noticed his calm reaction.

"Is this... are things like this normal?"

"Incredibly common," the doctor said coolly. His voice remained emotionless. Kate wished they didn't have to work with him, but he was an excellent doctor, very precise... He was similar in bed. He was also incredibly professional, and didn't let the fact that he had known her intimately get in the way of anything. She sometimes wondered if he even remembered; it had been a while ago. It hadn't exactly been payment but...

She was twenty-two, alone in London, scared, lost... and determined to help people. She had her flat above Montgomery's but she rarely spent the night in this safer part of the city, choosing instead to wander the slums, helping children, some not much younger than herself. The children seemed to trust her, but they still kept their distance.

But one night she found a child who didn't flit away into the shadows when she came near. As she got closer she realised this little boy, who couldn't be more than six years old, must be very sick. He badly needed a doctor. She called out to an older girl who said she knew where to find one, and sure enough, the girl returned with Sidney (he never told her his last name). Sidney wasn't much older than her, and said he would help but he didn't do charity work. She didn't carry money – she wasn't confident enough yet, she thought it would be dangerous.

She had simply stared at him, a look she had learned from her mother, until he tended to the little boy. And when, afterwards, he said he wanted a drink, she went with him. He didn't force himself on her... She did it because she liked him, because he was attractive and she liked his dry wit, and because she was grateful.

He was very considerate, making sure she was never at risk... He knew exactly where to touch her. It was exciting the first few times, but... he was rather scientific about it. He knew a method that worked and he never deviated. Ever. At all. It did always work. But it was rather like listening to the same piece of beautiful music over and over again. The music didn't become any less beautiful, but the fun began to seep out of it when you knew exactly what was going to happen.

He hadn't minded when she'd broken that side of things off. He was very good at separating minds and bodies... And to be honest he didn't think much about minds. When he treated someone it was easy for him to detach himself... He treated objects rather than people. But he was brilliant at it.

Once her mind was on Sidney in bed, it was impossible for Kate to prevent it from progressing to Richard in bed. And he was... something else. It was new, every time. He found places to explore that she hadn't even known existed, he kissed her with a fresh energy every time, he surprised her, and he let her surprise him. But not any more. He didn't want her to any more.

Which led her to wonder if it had really been as good for him as it was for her. She knew he cared about her, a lot, and that he wanted to have that kind of relationship with her, but she couldn't help thinking that if she amazed had him in the bedroom as much as he had amazed her, he wouldn't have been able to turn her down.

Sidney didn't even know what she looked like. She had kept the mask on. He hadn't minded.

She tapped on the roof and their driver stopped; she paid as they got out and he rode off into the night. They would be walking back. Sidney assessed the area as he followed them into the inn. Richard did too, wrinkling his nose at the smell and the dirty building. Kate patted him on the shoulder.

"You'll get used to it," she told him. They went up to Sally's room; Charlie was standing guard outside the door.

"Evenin', M'lady," he said. "Who's 'e? Ello, Doc," he added to Sidney, who touched his hat.

"This is a friend of mine," Kate said. Richard smiled and held out his hand; Sidney raised his eyebrows as Charlie shook it in his small, dirty fingers. Richard wiped his hand on his trousers and Charlie winked.

"Nice to meet ya, Guvner," he said, smiling. "I don't fink you've been 'ere before, 'ave ya?"

Richard shook his head. "Places like it, though," he said. "Places worse. But not for a while."

"I fink you're 'ere fer the lady," Charlie said, darting his eyes in Kate's direction. "And I wouldn't blame ya, she's-"

Kate swatted him with her hand and he closed his mouth, smiling at her innocently.

"I was going to say she's real professional," he said. Kate nodded.

"I'm sure you were. How's Sally?"

"Sick," he said. "She ain't eatin', says she ain't hungry but she's looks starved."

Kate opened the door to the room and Sidney went straight to the bed, opening his bag. Half an hour later, he told them that she was in shock and very undernourished, and that it was very likely that she had been sexually abused. Richard could hardly look at her; she made him think of Alexis. After trying to get Sally to eat some soup, talking to her a little, and giving Charlie some more money to stay with her and keep an eye on the other children and what they saw, Kate left with Richard. Sidney stayed at the inn, saying he would make his own way home.

"Why would he want to stay there?" Richard asked Kate. They had climbed up onto a tall building and paused to look at the night sky. For once the stars were visible through the smog and Kate watched them twinkle in the hazy night.

"Research. He likes to find out about people, how they live, how it affects them."

"You know him well?"

"Quite well, in a way. But I don't even know his last name."

Richard must have caught something from her body language or expression, even though she was wearing her mask.

"Do you know know him?" he asked, surprised.

"Are you jealous, Castle?" she asked, smiling at him, somehow managing to be a tease despite her real mood. He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Him? Isn't he a bit... I mean, I got the feeling you like to be more... adventurous. He doesn't seem the type."

"It was a while ago," she said. "And, yeah, he was fairly scientific. But he knew where everything went, he was very safe, and very effective."

"You got bored and ended it, didn't you?"

Kate laughed. "You judge me too well. I... I know this is an odd question but... I wasn't boring, was I? I mean-"

Richard just laughed. "You're honestly worried about that?"

Kate bit her lip. "I... I'm finding not being with you very hard. Very hard. I don't want your head to grow any bigger but I thought maybe-"

"It was easy for me to end things because I'd had better anyway? Kate, if this was just about sex, you would not be dressed right now. But you know I'm deeper than that. You are wonderful... every time was new, magical, perfect... You have no idea how badly I want you, every minute I'm with you, and even more when you're away from me."

Kate's shoulders relaxed; she was very relieved. Richard laughed again. "I can't believe you were worried about that."

"I just... wasn't sure, that's all."

Richard put his arm around her.

"You should think more highly of yourself."

"We've been there," Kate said. "I'm priceless. I know."

"You're the best I've ever had," he murmured.

"So why don't you want me?"

It slipped out before she even realised what she was saying – it was so weak, so pathetic, so... So desperate. Here she was, wanting him to respect her and what she did, but she was coming across like a weak, materialistic child.

"I do want you," he said quietly. "But I want more than you can give me."

"I wish it were different," Kate whispered into the night, to herself as well as to him. "I wish I were... more. I wish I had more to give you. But I..."

"You're hurt. You have to protect yourself. I don't blame you. But I can't be... I can't be a Sidney," he said with a small smile. "I can't settle for that. It would be wrong to pretend I could."

He stretched out his hand across the gap between them and took hold of hers. She squeezed his fingers and bit her lip, willing herself not to get upset. She had made her choice. She couldn't do this. She couldn't... Even if one day she broke down the walls around herself, she wasn't ready now. She just couldn't.

She only stopped herself by thinking of him. She would not hurt him like that. She would not risk him like that. She let go of his hand and they surveyed the streets for a while before going home. She took him to his door, worried about him.

"Until tomorrow, Lady Beckett," he said breezily. She wished she didn't have to leave him. She felt so empty when he had disappeared inside... She hurried home and got ready for some much needed sleep. She told herself when she curled up under the covers that she wasn't imagining his arms around her, that she could get to sleep perfectly well without thinking about a man. But she was lying.

She sighed. She might not be able to be with him but at least he was her friend. At least she would still see him, talk to him, joke with him, hold his hand... She finally managed to console herself with the thought that she would see him the next night, but... she just didn't know how if that was going to be enough for very long.

A/N: Revieeew! Or tweet me - zanna_sk, Love you guys!