A/N:
TRIGGER WARNING:MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND PEDOPHILIA - WRITTEN IN MEMORIES ITALICS 3RD &4TH
Man oh man, I finally got my internet back up...my router died and I was without internet for several days - so I'm posting this much later than I intended. On top of that, like with my recent update to Rising From The Ashes - I've had little to no time to even think of updating. Also, because all of my work is un-beta'd I take blame for any and all mistakes made. I wrote this chapter on the one day I had off this week so any mistakes you find are solely mine. Hope ya'll enjoy!
Jeff and John stood in front of the door of the woman who would hopefully help Alan lock away the painful memories. Alan stood in front of them, head hanging pathetically, eyes directed at his sneakers. He didn't sleep as well as everyone had hoped he would. His hand was clutching at the fabric of his baggie hoodie that he'd nicked from Virgil's duffel. He wanted to hide and the excess material helped do that. John and Jeff both had a hand on Alan's shoulder, trying to offer him comfort in some form as they waited for the woman to open the door.
Two pairs of eyes looked up while the other stayed directed at the ground when the door was opened. A woman in her forties smiled sadly at the group that stood before her. With Jeff's blessing, Thayne was able to tell Maya Stevens why he'd called upon her to help this young boy. She knew the person she'd be helping was the small blonde that stood between his two pillars of strength.
She extended a hand to Jeff and John, greeting them before she crouched down to look at Alan.
"Hello, I'm Maya." She extended her hand to Alan with a serene smile, but frowned when Alan refused to acknowledge her. "Hello?"
John looked down at Alan to find out why he wasn't speaking. He knew his little brother was shy, but he was always like that when meeting new people. Glimpsing Alan's face, John squatted down beside Alan. He rubbed Alan's back comfortingly when Alan shivered.
"Hey buddy, why don't you say hello to Maya? She's very nice." John suggested, his voice soft so as to not scare Alan.
Alan gave a firm shake of the head. No. He wouldn't speak. Not to her.
"Why not kiddo?" John asked.
Alan gave a shrug, not wanting to answer. John turned Alan around so he wasn't facing Maya and whispered to his little brother.
"Allie, why don't you want to talk to Maya? Hmm? She's a very nice lady. And she wants to help you." John asked, trying to find out why Alan was dead set on not talking to Maya.
"I'm scared." Alan replied, his face breaking as tears that were sitting in the corners of his eyes began to fall.
"Oh Allie, there's nothing to be afraid of." John said with a sigh as he brought Alan in for a hug. He rubbed Alan's back as he felt his baby brother bury his face among his collar of his t-shirt. Alan was terrified and for good reason. He might or he might not be healed of the painful memories in his past. "We don't have to do this today if you don't want to."
"No! I want to be fixed…just don't want to be alone." Alan whimpered as he pulled away to wipe his nose.
"Honey, your dad and brother can be in the room with you if you're scared." Maya said as she remained crouched behind Alan. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and made him turn around to look at her. "Everybody in your situation is always a little scared. And it's okay. There is nothing wrong or cowardly with your being afraid. It's what makes you human."
Alan nodded as he hiccupped. Maya used her thumbs and brushed away Alan's tears.
"Now, why don't you come in? I've a bathroom you can use to dry your tears and freshen up before our appointment." Maya said as she gladly offered her hand for Alan to take. Jeff and John both were amazed at Maya's ability to bring Alan out of his shell as quickly as she had. Alan accepted her hand and let her pull him into her home. Jeff and John followed closely. Maya fussed over Alan like she would one of her children until Alan had calmed. "Can I get you gentlemen anything? I've got juice in the fridge or chocolate milk."
Alan looked to Jeff as if asking with his eyes if he could have something to drink and Jeff nodded with a smile. He felt happy that Alan looked to him for permission to do something, even if it was something as simple as getting a drink. It made Jeff feel like Alan still acknowledged him as his dad.
"May I have some juice?" Alan asked before he turned to go in the bathroom. Maya smiled and tilted her head with a nod of her own.
"You may. I hope apple is okay, it's either that or orange juice." Maya said, seeing Alan's eyes light up at the mention of apple juice.
"Apple please." Alan asked, never once forgetting the manners that had been instilled by the pastor and his family.
"Alright then." Maya said just before the bathroom door shut with a click. She turned to John and Jeff asking them what they may have wanted to drink. Jeff was given the option of coffee and both he and John accepted that beverage. "Go on ahead and make yourselves comfy in the living room."
Jeff and John waited until Maya rounded the corner into the kitchen before they both sighed. This was already proving to be quite the adventure just with getting Alan to see the hypnotist. She was actually very sought after and needed a day or two to get Alan squeezed in. They got him in, otherwise they wouldn't be here. Thayne assured them that she could work magic with abuse victims for the most part. Thayne said she actually was the one who tried to help him. From what he said, she was able to help him block some of his bad memories, but she couldn't help block all of them. It was primarily what gave Thayne the drive he needed to help kids and abuse survivors continue their struggle to conquer their past and move on. He felt the desire to help those struggling with the same problems he dealt with on a personal level.
The patriarch and his second eldest made their way around the corner into Maya's living room. The setup of her living room was simple, nothing too outlandish or garish. John eased onto the couch and sighed once more. As he relaxed his posture on the couch, liking how cushy the couch was – he was made aware of Alan peaking around the corner. He gestured at Alan to come to him. The young blonde smiled nervously as he joined his brother on the couch.
Jeff, John and Alan sat in silence until Maya returned with their drinks. She passed them out to their respecting person before she sat down herself.
"Alright, so Alan let's start again. I'm Maya and I'll be your hypnotist today." Maya extended a hand to Alan and he took her hand, shaking it slowly. It was apparent that he was still afraid of her, but he relaxed a lot since her and John's reassurances earlier.
"I'm Alan." Alan replied softly.
"Care to tell me who you brought with you today?" Maya asked, even though she knew who Jeff and John were.
"This is my dad and my brother." Alan said as he leaned into John, seeking his comfort.
"Hello." Maya shook their hands once more before she settled a look on Alan. "So Alan, I've been told that you and your family were seeking my help to potentially help you suppress some negative memories in your past."
Alan nodded his agreement.
"How about we get started dear?" Maya said. "Can I have you lay back into the arm rest and relax, your brother can sit there with you to make you feel a little more comfortable if you'd like."
Alan scooted over, before he lay back – head resting on the arm rest. John picked up Alan's feet and lay those over his lap. Maya moved her chair closer before she sat in front of Alan. Once she had him in a position to easily relax in she carefully stood to lower the lights in the room, going so far as to draw the curtains. She had some vanilla scented candles burning previously. She reclaimed her seat, sitting in front of Alan once more.
"Alright, before we get started I just wanted to ask if you've ever been hypnotized before." Maya asked, her voice soft and melodious. Alan looked at her before he gave a small shake of his head. "Alright, did you have any questions before we get started?"
"You won't make me do anything stupid will you?" Alan asked. He'd seen lots of hypnotism jokes on TV and he feared Maya making him act like an idiot or do something he didn't want to do.
"No dear, I can't make you do something you don't want to do. Hypnotism isn't mind control, it's making you relax enough so that any goals you wish to reach, such as forgetting something you no longer wish to remember or having the will to do something you've wanted to do happen." Maya reassured.
"Can you make me fly if I wanted to?" Alan asked, knowing Maya couldn't, he just felt like asking. It helped him to relax somewhat.
"No, I can't do that…but what I can do is maybe instill the goal that you'll one day get your wings and become a pilot. You just need to study and practice." Maya said, offering something she could do for the boy.
"Thank you." Alan replied.
"You're welcome…now, I want you to relax. Close your eyes and envision yourself somewhere peaceful. You're safe, nothing is going to hurt you. Listen to my voice and relax. Your eyes may feel heavy, let them close and just relax. You are in complete control right now, you'll only accept suggestions which are for your benefit. Take a deep cleansing breath, hold it for the count of three and breathe out."
Alan felt his whole body relaxing and to be honest, it felt nice. He hadn't been this relaxed in what felt like forever. He could hear Maya's voice and it just swayed along, further relaxing Alan into a deeper tranquil state.
"Relax your neck and shoulders, let them go limp as you sink into the couch. Breathe in deeply for the count of three and breathe out once more letting your legs and feet melt into relaxation. Feel your muscles lighten and loosen until that as soft as the wind in the trees."
Alan felt himself sinking further into the gentle darkness. He didn't feel scared of the dark and soon he envisioned himself in his family's arms. That's where he felt most at peace. He briefly recalled his and his family's reunion and that was the most at peace he'd ever felt in his young life.
"Imagine yourself at the top of a staircase. As you step down, you feel yourself sinking deeper into a relaxed trance. Deeper, deeper you may go until you're at the bottom." Maya said, keeping her voice at a soft and musical level. She watched as Alan physically relaxed, she looked at his eyes and saw that they were barely moving beneath his eyelids. She judged his breathing and determined that he was indeed relaxed completely. She didn't break contact with Alan, despite being aware that Jeff and John both were amazed that she could apparently hypnotize Alan so easily. "Now that you're fully relaxed, I want you to go back to the first night that you were not with your dad and brothers."
Alan sat in the rear floorboard of the driver's side. He was curled up in a ball. He wanted his daddy. He didn't know who the man was that took him. All he knew was that he yelled at Alan a lot. And he smelled bad, like smoke. The car stopped and Alan covered his head with his hands, refusing to show himself. The car door opened and the car was illuminated by the bubble light in the ceiling of the car.
The door suddenly slammed shut and Alan was plunged back into darkness, before he was brought back out again. The door opened and Alan felt a cool breeze on his back. Hands reached in and picked him up, before wrestling him into an itchy bag. Alan squealed and screamed, begging to be let out, when he felt a hard smack in his face. Alan quieted instantly, his nose hurt and so did his head.
The next thing Alan knew, there was a boy about the same age as his brother Scotty looking at him. They were lying in the same bed and Alan didn't know what to think of the other boy. He wasn't Scotty, but he'd do for now. Snuggling closer, Alan hoped that the next time he woke up that this would be nothing but a bad dream.
The next time he opened his eyes, the other boy was still there only he was asleep. Alan was curious about the other boy and he poked the older boy in the cheek to wake him up. Brown groggy eyes opened at Alan's poking and focused on curious blue eyes.
"Who're you?" Alan asked, his young voice high pitched and squeaky.
"I'm your brother…Devon." Devon remarked before rolling over, or attempting to in order to return to sleep. Alan was confused by that statement, so he shook Devon until he woke up again. "What?"
"I don't have any bruvers name Dev-Dev…hmm." Alan halted at the difficulty that came when trying to pronounce an unfamiliar name.
"You can call me Von…and I'm your brother now. Let's go back to sleep." Devon said as he tried once again to go back to sleep.
"Where's my daddy?" Alan asked, making Devon look over his shoulder at Alan in exasperation.
"I don't know, but your new daddy is asleep as you should be too." Devon said, trying to make his point known to the child to go back to sleep. "Go to bed."
"But…m'not tired." Alan said softly, confusion plain as the nose on his face.
"Don't matter, your new daddy is mean when he don't get the sleep he needs." Devon rolled over and pulled Alan close into his chest, in attempt to muffle any attempts at speaking Alan made. "Sleep."
Maya watched as Alan's eyes slowly began to move beneath his eyelids.
Alan hid behind the couch, covering his ears as his new daddy bellowed. He heard a sharp slap sound and his new mommy began to cry. Things became ugly – and it was all because Alan accidently left a Lego on the floor and his new daddy stepped on it.
"You bought the damn things for him!" Ray yelled as he backhanded Judy. She fell against the couch, making Alan scream and give away his hiding place. Ray pulled back the couch and wrenched Alan out from behind it. He began raining down blows, Alan didn't stand a chance and it was with regret and sadness in his eyes as Ray loaded all of Alan's Legos into a trashcan, hauling it outside and setting it on fire. "There problem solved."
Maya and Jeff watched as Alan continued in the trance like state, his face becoming mildly troubled.
"Ssh, good things come to good little boys who wait."
Alan lay on the bed, his hands bound by rope as a camera was aimed at him. Kenneth came over to sit on the bed and began smoothing his hands over the wrinkles in Alan's clothes. Alan squirmed and tried to pull away from the unwanted contact, but Kenneth grabbed his face between his thumb and forefingers.
"Did I say you could move?" Kenneth asked before he turned to look in the direction of his laptop. "Hey boys, got any suggestions?"
"How about a school girl, I can't touch but I can look all I want."
Alan shivered at the voice. It was a voice he heard so often and he heard Kenneth call him Teddy, it was the main voice suggesting things for Alan to wear or how to act and Alan never failed to feel dirty afterwards.
Kenneth stood up and started digging around in a trunk full of clothes. Kenneth's parents never knew what Kenneth bought with his allowance, but Alan had an idea what he bought…and it was usually in his size too.
"Here we go." Kenneth said as he pulled out a bag of clothes. "Get up and go get dressed, we don't want to keep Teddy waiting."
Alan accepted the bag of clothes from Kenneth once he'd been untied. Kenneth smacked his behind to make him hurry up and Alan scampered away into the adjoined bathroom. He opened the bag and stared down at the skirt and top. The skirt was knee length at best and once Alan put it on, he refused to look at himself in the mirror. Once he was dressed accordingly, he told Kenneth and the older boy came in and began adjusting Alan's clothes.
Alan tried to push Kenneth's hands away when he pulled the skirt higher, to make it mid-thigh – but that earned him a slap.
"You're a beauty Alan…it's a shame you're a boy." Kenneth said before he pulled Alan out of the bathroom and in front of the camera. Teddy and several other guys let out whistles and made lewd comments about what they'd like to do with Alan. Alan felt tears gather in the corners of his eyes, he'd never felt quite as dirty as he did now.
John gently stroked Alan's leg when he felt a muscle twitch. He could tell Alan was beginning to sink into the realm of memories he never wished to return to and he wanted more than anything to wake him up, call this whole thing off and take Alan back home.
"Ssh, don't cry…you'll wake Wendy up."
Alan closed his eyes tightly as hands wandered all over him. He couldn't bare opening his eyes to see the little girl in the next bed over. His foster father's brother in law was spending the night with his family and he'd found his way into Alan and Wendy's bedroom. Wendy was his foster father's daughter and she was only a little girl, barely three years old while Alan was nine. Uncle Benjamin had continuously gotten Alan alone and would always touch him. It didn't matter that Alan would tell his foster father and foster mother what was going on – nobody believed him. This last time Benjamin had woken Alan up only to mess with Alan's pajamas and to touch him in places that he knew were very private. Devon always told him that if anyone ever touched him in the no-no areas to get help. And right now Benjamin was touching him in one of the biggest no-no areas.
"No, please…stop!" Alan whimpered as Benjamin rubbed him in a way to make him feel worse than that time Kenneth made him dress up like a school girl for Teddy. Benjamin started making noises that disgusted Alan and when he finally quit, Alan wanted more than anything to bathe, to drown, to die.
John felt tears creeping into his eyes as he saw Alan visibly display distress. It just wasn't fair, Alan never should have had to go through this, not in his short, short life.
Alan sat in his bedroom, tears streaming down his face. Ms. Leah was nice, probably one of the nicest foster mothers Alan had had in a long time. But Alan couldn't do it anymore. He'd tried to continue despite the abuse from Benjamin, constantly making him feel dirty. Benjamin was however caught, by his own brother in law and he'd pushed the man away from Alan once it'd been discovered that Alan had been telling the truth about being touched in a bad way. Alan was soon moved, being placed with Ms. Leah immediately.
Feeling like he was suffocating, Alan got up and went to his bathroom. He was lucky enough that due to his situation and why he was taken from his last family to be given his own bathroom. He couldn't handle it. All he ever did was cry anymore, he couldn't even remember how to smile. And he hated it. Opening the medicine cabinet, Alan was lucky to find an almost full bottle of aspirin. It looks like the girl that had just left Ms. Leah left something behind and Alan saw it as his ticket out of his own personal hell.
He grabbed the bottle and without thinking of the consequences, Alan poured the first handful into his small hands and quickly swallowed the six or seven tablets. Alan quickly drank from the faucet to help wash down the pills he'd swallowed before he took another handful. He took an estimated twelve handfuls, until the bottle was empty.
He felt himself getting lightheaded, so he laid down on the floor. As soon as he was on the ground, he felt himself drifting off. He let the feeling wash over him and sighed peacefully. He'd soon be free. As he felt his eyes closing, he felt his lips twitch into what could only be perceived as a smile before darkness swallowed him up.
Maya watched Alan carefully. She didn't want him to be traumatized by the memories that were undoubtedly surfaced from the bottom of his very memory bank. She leaned in close to Alan before she spoke.
"Now Alan, I want you to envision that those memories are being put away in a vault. Once you've got those memories in the vault I want you to envision a large door being closed over those memories. Once you've got the door closed, I want you to place a large padlock on the door, and locking it firmly. Check the padlock, make sure it's tight, once you've done that I want you to breathe deeply and climb the stairs to come back into consciousness."
Alan stood in front of this huge metal door. The memories which haunted him were floating like little moving boxes in the air just within the door. Alan closed the door on the memories, before he hung a large, heavy padlock on the door, locking it with a satisfied clack noise. Once he'd closed the lock, he heaved a sigh. His shoulders felt lighter now and that relaxed Alan a whole great deal.
He looked over his shoulder and saw the staircase he'd descended earlier. Looking back at the vault Alan stuck his tongue out – mocking the very memories that tortured him so. Without another look back, Alan went towards the stairs. He placed a hand on the railing and felt the pull to look back, but he fought against the feeling. He was never going to look back, because if he did that he felt like all of this would have been for nothing. Keeping his eyes forward, Alan took each step up and as he climbed the stairs, he could hear soft whispers of a voice.
"Come on Allie, it's time to wake up."
Alan recognized the voice as John's. He could smell the faint scent of his aftershave and it soothed Alan immensely. He climbed the stairs, heading towards the voice that called to him. As he climbed higher, he could hear his dad's voice joining John.
"It's alright son, nobody is ever going to hurt you again. Not if I have anything to say about it. Please wake up son…I love you."
Alan reached the top of the stairs and felt the pull again to look back. Fighting the need to turn around, Alan opened the door at the top of the stairs and suddenly he was brought back into wakefulness.
Taking a deep breath, Alan shuddered. He felt the lingering touches of Benjamin, but he could feel the feeling fade. He couldn't remember where the feeling came from, all he knew was that he didn't like it. He looked around, unaware to his whereabouts and when he spotted his dad and John, he practically fell into their arms. He felt safe. He felt loved and that what he needed to feel in order to heal from this trying and traumatic ordeal. His dad helped him to sit up and both he and John hugged him tightly, Alan returning the hug seven fold.
"Thank you, thank you…" Alan dissolved into tears as he felt the relief. His shoulders no longer felt weighted down by the guilt, by the feelings of shame that hung over his head like a dark cloud. He felt free. He hadn't felt this free since he couldn't remember when. Sobbing openly, he didn't recoil from the tender touch from his father petting his hair or his brother holding him tightly in his arms.
Maya smiled, happy to see that the hypnotism apparently worked. Alan seemed like a totally different person and that made Maya's heart feel lighter. She stayed away though, she wasn't going to push Alan's boundaries that they'd just uncovered. He needed the contact with his dad and brother – his family. That was what he needed most and Maya wanted them to bond and find themselves as family again.
… … … … … …
In leaving Maya's house, Jeff and John smiled with Alan. Jeff suggested they start over, but start with going to get an ice cream. Alan was all for the idea and they drove slowly into town to go to an ice cream shop where Alan used to go with the Woods family. When they pulled in to the parking lot, Alan waited until his dad and brother joined him. They went in together, ordered ice cream and went outside to bask in the warm sunshine which was seemingly brighter.
"Hey dad?" Alan asked, failing to notice the surprise on Jeff's face that Alan asked so readily while adding dad like it was nothing to his question.
"Yes son?" Jeff asked as he reclined back against the tree he was sitting beneath. Alan leaned into his side and it made Jeff want to weep with happiness that he had his little boy back with him again.
"When we leave, can we go do something together?" Alan asked, hoping to go do something just him and his family. No outsiders.
Jeff nodded as he looked at John in surprise. This was a major change and it was certainly a positive one. Thayne wasn't lying, Maya could work miracles.
"What would you like to go do son?" Jeff asked, wanting Alan to have some control in where they went as a family.
Alan looked contemplative, biting his lip in thought. "Can I get back to you on that?"
"Sure Alan." Jeff murmured as he tried to contain a chuckle at the ice cream smeared around Alan's mouth.
"What?" Alan asked as he tilted his head in question.
"Nothing, it's just…" Jeff said before he tipped the water bottle he'd gotten with his ice cream to pour some on a paper towel. Using the damp edge, Jeff cleaned Alan's face of the smeared ice cream and chocolate sauce from his sundae. "There's my little boy."
"Da-ad!" Alan said, dragging out the syllable. Jeff and John both chuckled as Alan and Jeff picked at each other playfully. It wasn't until Alan yawned that Jeff suggested they go back to the hotel and let Alan rest. He did have a long arduous day after all.
… … … … … …
Upon returning to the hotel, Scott who was about ready to knock Gordon and Virgil's heads together went quiet when Jeff entered the room carrying a heavy-eyed Alan. John closed the door and went to the bed he shared with Alan, pulling back the blankets so his dad could get Alan settled for a little cat nap. Jeff removed Alan's tennis shoes before his tucked Alan in for a rest. The trying day combined with Dramamine and Alan's pain medications made for a very sleepy Alan and the boy gave up with trying to stay awake.
Jeff gently kissed Alan's forehead before he gestured for Scott to step outside in the hall with him. Scott followed and Jeff told Scott what happened during the meeting with the hypnotist. She'd warned that Alan's memories would stay locked away, but in times of high stress those memories may resurface. Alan was cured for the sake of saying, but those memories were simply suppressed.
"So what do we do? I don't want the kid to relapse." Scott said as he thought of all the hardships Alan had faced in his short life.
"He won't as long as we make sure he knows he's loved, we're happy to have him back and we'll keep him safe. I don't think I need to tell you that anytime we take Alan with us out in the world, we'll need to be super vigilant of not only your but his surroundings. If it looks like he may be in a situation that could cause a relapse, we'll need to get him out." Jeff laid down the law, knowing that John was having the exact same conversation in the room with Gordon and Virgil. "John and I have already talked to Alan about this, to assuage his fears and he understands that we will take him from a situation that may harm his recovery and he's fine with it."
"So he knows that anything could potentially set him off?" Scott asked.
"Yes, he knows there may be things that could trigger a flashback and Maya talked to Alan about techniques and methods to help get him through potential triggers." Jeff said, proud of his little boy for stepping up to the plate and taking initiative when it came to maintaining his own recovery.
"What are they?" Scott asked.
"One that I know of was what Maya used with Alan and that was locking his negative memories into a vault. I don't know what Alan remembered, but he seemed different when he came awake from the hypnotic state he was in. Alan knows to calm himself and how to lock away the memories so they won't bother him anymore." Jeff said recounting one method he'd seen and had supposedly helped Alan.
"That's awesome dad." Scott said before he and his dad turned to go back in the room.