Loki didn't sleep.
Not that it was unusual for him not to but this night he had wished for it, anything to keep him away from his own thoughts. He tried to lay down on the couch and will himself into unconsciousness but it didn't work. Instead he was left alone with his poisonous mind and by morning, he was quite angry with Hela. After everything he had done for her, all the sacrifices he had made in order for her to be safe, she rejected him based on actions he committed years before she was even born? He knew deep down that he was angry with himself, but the blue-stained fury that was a mental after-taste of the sceptre was still at the forefront of his mind, directing his anger at anyone but himself. Foolish. But effective.
He remained in the couch when he heard Helas tiny footsteps on the hardwood floor. Loki wanted to say something, to make things better, but he had no words that would suffice and part of him wished that she would apologize for her behavior.
When Hela came around the couch he knew she was not going to say or do anything to indicate that she was sorry for the night before. For once her face was easy to read and the first expression to ever show clearly on it was anger. She had never looked quite as much like his daughter as she did in that moment, when her green eyes were hard in her slim face.
"I am hungry" she proclaimed.
"Then feed yourself, you are perfectly able" Loki spat and made no move to leave the couch.
She stared at him for another moment and behind the wall of anger Loki couldn't help but notice that her pout was adorable. Hela spun around on her heel and strode into the kitchen with all the determination a five-year old could muster. Loki listened as she pulled a chair around, trying to reach things and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. He was being foolish, a manchild, worse than his brother had ever been. She was not Thor, nor Odin or any other person Loki felt had ever wronged him or treated him unfairly. She was his daughter, his youngest, the one he got to keep. No matter the cost, or if she loved him or not, Loki would always look out for her.
"Wait" he called and quickly got to his feet "I will not have you break your neck"
"I would not fall" Hela replied as harshly as her tiny voice would allow.
"Your confidence is admirable but I will not risk it nonetheless" he couldn't quite get the harsh sting out of his voice "Remove yourself counter immediately"
Hela refused to look at him and instead continued to attempt to scoop pine needles from the plastic container to the bowl she had produced from the dishrack. Loki was conflicted between to stand back and monitor her to make sure she didn't hurt herself or simply lift her down from the counter and tell her to do what he told her to, risking the situation to become even uglier.
He never had to make a decision, because at that very moment The Black Widow appeared in the doorway, silent as a shadow. He felt her presence before he saw her. Loki slowly turned and stared at her, his mouth slightly ajar, like a snake tasting the air for prey.
"Have you lost your wit, woman?" he asked, very slowly, very sincerely "Or do you believe I am in leave of mine?"
"No, not really" She shrugged casually, but every muscle in her body was tense, ready to react if he would make a move "You seem better than last night"
"You come to mock?" Lokis voice was so low it was barely anything more than a dangerous rumble in his chest.
He wanted to snap her neck, right there. One more to add to her collection of photos, what would it matter? The thoughts were feverish and lined with shimmering blue, urging him on, to revoke reason and just kill her. Not to mind the cameras, or Hela, or everything he would destroy, just to act on the impulse to harm her.
"Leave" he growled.
"I came to warn you" Romanov started but Loki interrupted her
"I am giving YOU fair warning" he was gripping the counter so hard his knuckles were turning white "Leave. Now. If I hear another word from your evil, poisonous…"
"Coulson knows" the agent cut in, speaking fast "I never told Hela what you did. I lied about that"
Loki was on her faster than she could have imagined. During his entire life tricks and speed was the only things he had been able to use to his advantage over the often far stronger aesir. The dagger had been his weapon of choice because of how fast it could be wielded, how elegantly it cut the air, compared to crude swords or axes. A lifetime of training might have saved agent Romanov from most foes, but Loki had also had a lifetime to prepare and his exceeded hers with millenia.
He didn't go for her neck when he grabbed her. He didn't pick up a knife to cut her flesh. He didn't fling her across the room, which he might still have the strength to do. He had the opportunity to do all of it but Loki had restrained himself. Instead he grabbed her jacket, almost lifting her off her feet as he brought his face close to hers. When he was pressed against her he felt taller than he looked and ten times more dangerous. His green eyes were almost aflame in their sockets, the twisted look on his face made him look like the deranged god she remembered from their first encounter. For a moment, agent Romanov thought she had gravely misjudged the situation.
"Agent Romanov" his voice was like pitch black waves of icy water slashing against stone "If you think I fall for feeble trickery…"
"She is telling the truth, father" Helas tiny voice broke through to Loki, it rang louder than the warhorns of Asgard in his mind, silencing the roar of his anger.
"Then how did you know?" his voice was still nothing more than the promise of cold and darkness, but some of the madness had faded from his eyes.
Hela seemed remarkably unphased by the drama playing out in front of her where she sat on the counter, idly picking at pine-needles.
"You know" she replied silently "You just want me to hush about it"
Hela turned her head away, her long hair spilling over the counter as she hid her face behind it's raven black curtain and added "You are afraid of me"
"What?" Loki released his hold on agent Romanov, his rage drained out of him in a second - compared to Hela the widow was so unimportant "Why would you believe that?"
"Because you hush me" Helas voice was thick in her throat "You hush me all the time. You fear my words. You fear the truth"
"Child, that is not…"
"Loki" how could agent Romanov be so foolish as to try to get his attention at this point? She was lucky not to be in pieces all over the kitchen floor.
"Give me a minute and I'll kill the ears. Give you some time alone for once"
Before Loki could snap at her, or simply snap her, she was out the door and gone. Loki took his time to walk over to Hela and pick her up. She didn't resist him, but she refused to look at him. He carried her back into the living room and sat them both down on the armchair that had become his favorite piece of furniture. He didn't trust Agent Romanov to keep her word but he didn't care if SHIELD was listening in. He needed to be able to talk to Hela properly for once in their lives.
"There, daughter" he said softly, brushing her hair behind one ear "Speak those words. I promise will not silence you"
Hela quickly looked up at him, her huge eyes wet with unshed tears and she drew breath before she started:
"The Grey. I see them all the time. I hear their voices. I understand some of what they say" Hela gathered up a handful of her own hair in her hands as she looked for the proper words "It is like… when you look into a window in the dark and there is a see-through version of the world there. Like that, but three, four see-through worlds all in one. Like drawings on the walls. But moving. I thought you could see them too, but you can only see Acoo"
"He is one of the Grey?" Loki urged on as the child fell silent in his arms.
"He is in two of the worlds" Hela replied in her tiny voice "Like me"
"Like your father" Loki said softly and placed a kiss on the top of her head.
"But then why can you not see them?" she asked, confused.
"Your other father. The one who made you with me"
"I have another father?" Hela looked up at him, green eyes huge.
Suddenly Loki realized he had never explained the dynamics of a family to his daughter, he had never paid it any mind. Her books all spoke of mothers and fathers as different people, of parents as a set of two, and he had simply assumed that she had understood the distinction between them. Now, suddenly he realized that she might never have made the connection, since she referred to him as both mother and father. Loki had never bothered to correct her on that point. He would always call himself her mother, because he'd carried her, but from the agents around her she had picked up "father" (even in old norse, as fadir was her first name for him) and he had never corrected her. He had never cared which gendered version of 'parent' she used. This was not Asgard and this was his fourth child. He would no longer shy away from the fact that he birthed them in fear of ridicule as he had done with Sleipnir.
"Yes, you have another father, Heid, I have told you stories of her. You carry her name." Loki replied, slightly startled that he might have been too subtle in his tales of his lover. He never wanted to give out many details because of the ever-present SHIELD ears. "She was also of two worlds. She was dead and then alive, like you. Like Acoo"
"Because you killed Acoo too" Helas face was once again hard to read, a puzzle of blank expressions.
"Yes. I did" Loki admitted, his heart pounding in his chest "I ended his life without a second thought, I killed him only out of spite for my brother, just to see the expression on Thors face, to… revel in his misery. I killed a good man, because I hated another good man"
By the end, Lokis voice was thick, his eyes had never before admitted to anyone how puny his ambitions had been, how most of his actions had been powered by spite. Had been. Past tense.
"Do you resent me, daughter?" he asked, his voice almost as small as hers "You have the right"
"Everything dies, father" Hela replied simply, shrugging "I see it in everyone, all the time. Everyone is dying. Even the sun. Even you"
"And this does not scare you?" It scared Loki a little.
"Why should I fear the natural and inevitable?" Hela shrugged.
"Then why were you cross with me?" Loki was baffled by the turn in the conversation, not to mention how his daughters vocabulary seemed to mature by every sentence she spoke. He had to remind himself to ask her about that when another opportunity presented itself, but right now this was more important.
"Because I know that in the stories people are sad for the dead and angry at the killers" Hela looked away as she spoke, out into the transparent worlds only she could see "But I feel no sadness for them. I see the faces in the pictures and I know that they are dead by your hand, but I feel nothing" her voice became more hushed as she spoke the final words "In the stories only the monsters feel nothing"
"Listen to me Hela" Loki said, turning her face up so she met his eyes "The stories you've heard are human stories, and they are not truths. No child of mine is a monster, no matter what the bards of old might tell of them. You are who you choose to be"
Hela looked at him for a long time, before reaching up and wrapping her thin, long arms around his neck. She buried her face in his hair and from the raven-colored mess she whispered
"Then, when I grow up, I choose to be a fireman"
When night fell once more, Loki was emotionally exhausted. He had hardly even noticed that the day had come and gone. Hela and he had sat in silence together at the window, or talked about the Grey and he had told Hela about Asgard, Frigga and about the ghost stories about Ice Giants he heard as a child.
When he thought back at it, he realized it had never been Frigga or any member of his family who had told those stories. It had been handmaidens and warriors, and they had often received scornful looks and probably a harsh word from Frigga when the children were out of earshot. He should have taken more care with the stories he allowed Hela to read or have read to her. He should have made sure they didn't mention death. It's what Frigga would have done, she would have known, she would have been able to give counsel if he had allowed the end of the day it was too much. He put Hela to bed early and then went back into the living room to try and sort out his thoughts.
The last thing he wanted at that moment was company from Agent Coulson. When the metal door slid open Loki didn't even bother to turn his head to see who it was. He knew. The agent didn't bother with the courtesy of announcing himself, a breach of etiquette seldom seen in the man. Instead he walked over to the couch and sat down next to Loki, placing two glasses and a bottle of some midgardian alcohol on the table. From the smell of him the agent had already sampled it. He poured two generous drinks and slid one along side the table to place it in front of Loki. After that he leaned back with his own glass in hand and drank rather deeply.
"So, you killed me" the agent said casually.
"I tore your heart in two with an alien blade which full destructive capacity is unknown even to me" Loki answered without looking at the man "I would assume that a wound like that would end your life"
"Yeah, me too" Coulson said solemnly.
The silence that fell wasn't an uncomfortable one, both men were simply too tired to make it awkward. Instead they both sipped their drinks next to each other on the couch, watching the night overtake Manhattan.
"I don't know why I'm not dead" Coulson finally said, staring out into the night.
"I am afraid I can offer no explanation" Loki replied, following the agents gaze into the night "But whatever the reason, I am glad my murderous act did not permanently kill you"
"Me too" the casual-looking man agreed "But it's disturbing to not know"
"Ignorance is probably not something you are accustomed to"
"Are you?"
"My mother once said I was only ignorant about myself" Loki started and then realized he had accidentally mislabeled Frigga for the first time since he found out about her lies.
"She's right"
"You assume to know me" It wasn't a question.
"I've watched you around the clock for years. So yeah, I think I can at least read you. Does that annoy you?"
"Yes but, as with so many things, me being annoyed with a statement does not make them untrue"
"True"
Loki turned to look at the agent at the same time as Coulson favoured him with one of his seldom seen genuine smiles. It would have been so easy for Loki to just lean over, to use this height and the length of his arms to his advantage. It would have been so easy to forget how alone he was in this realm, just for a moment. Maybe their eyes held for a moment too long, or maybe the agent could read him better than he though, because without breaking eye contact Coulson softly said: "Don't"
"Kill you again?" Loki filled in, but there was no hostility in his voice, only the hint of warmth usually reserved for Hela.
"We both know that's not what you were thinking"
"'We', agent" Loki smiled, and Coulson understood the implication of the word.
"They would take me off your case, Loki" agent Coulson said, looking out the window "And I've invested too much time in this. Way too much"
"So have I" Loki answered solemnly.
"Are you hinting at breaking out?" Coulson asked, his tone still softened by alcohol and emotion.
"Quite the opposite" Loki replied, finishing his drink "Or maybe I'm brilliantly laying a false trail of lies and loyalty, pretending to change. I am the trickster and not even I would trust my word"
"Then trust mine" agent Coulson offered.
"I will do my out most" Lokis eyes were an intense green as he fixated the agent "But I believe we both have to earn that back"
"You're right about that" Coulson seemed vary to continue and whatever was on the tip of his tongue, he left it unsaid. Instead, he rose from the couch and headed for the door, a soft "Good night, Loki" his only word of departure.
"Good night, Phil" Loki replied as he heard the door shut behind him.
Loki stayed on the couch a little while longer, watching the darkness deepen as the lights flickered out across Manhattan.
The city that never slept still offered specks of electrical light even at the early hours of the morning, like an artificial night sky they sparkled across the flat darkness of the glass buildings. Loki thought that in a different life, where he had made very different choices, he would have enjoyed this city. It lacked the grandeur of Asgard, it was simpler, cruder and yet more alive that the golden towers of his home. It was less polished, more nuanced, mixing the dirt from the streets with the noise from luxury cars, all bathed in light cast down from building standing as a testament to wealth, towering over poor and rich alike. This is where Hela would grow up. This is the world she would know.
Loki regretted nothing in that moment, not a single choice he had made, because it had led up to this: his daughter would be allowed to grow up in a world where a person's measure were not in their blood, or found in prophecy, but something they could choose. Hela would be free to be anyone.
There was still time to choose.
Authors Notes; MAAAN that took time, didn't it? Sorry about that, between family matters, the lectures I'm holding and work there haven't been that much time left for me to write. Also, I really wanted to get this chapter right because it's going to be important for both Hela, Loki and Coulson (and maybe Nat) going forward. It was kind of hard to get a grip of how Hela sees the world, I've actually talked about the viking view of the after life and how they view ghosts with a professor in Viking culture that we have as a consultant for a project at work (I make videogames, yay!). She told me a bit about the merging of realms, which is more about old folklore than norse mythology really, and how it was supposed to manifest itself in "dual" worlds, and then I tried to merge that with the Hela we know from the marvel-verse (which was just... ugh). So yeah, that was some major research for just a Fanfic-chapter. I actually have an ending in mind for this now. And you still haven't gotten that Jörmungandr-spoof I wrote months ago. But ah, I'm rambling! As always, thanks for the reviews and sorry for taking so long to update.