A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I felt like I hit a dead end with this story and was waiting for some inspiration to hit me, it did! I hope you guys like this next chapter, it's a bit fluffy, but who doesn't enjoy a little fluff once in a while? Send me a review or a PM if you have questions or comments! Thanks again for taking the time to read my stories! Thanks to by beta, Mackie! Luv you girlie!
Edward's POV
We we're making progress. Or, this decision would lead to progress. Progress. Dr. Webber used that word a lot in our last session. Progress.
"Although it wasn't the ideal way for Bella to find out, this is a step in the right direction. Being open with her at this point will be important for your relationship."
I had agreed. Openness. It was what we both needed, what we both wanted. She had asked me for my honesty and I was willing to give her that. I wanted to allow her the opportunity to better get to know me. The first month or so of our relationship had been difficult. I knew that I needed to establish a foundation of trust with her before opening up completely. Addie's suicide wasn't something I proclaimed to just anyone. In fact, Bella is the only person outside Addie's family and my own who really knows what happened.
"Be careful with her feelings, especially in the next few days. You both are acclimating to the newly shared information. It may take her awhile to put all her faith back in you. She's hurt, Edward; understandably. Just be cautious."
I had made a point to spend extra time with Bella. After everything that happened this week, I began to realize what it must have been doing to her. I'd been so focused on trying to figure out how to tell her about Addie, that I lost sight of keeping her happy. I wondered if she had maybe guessed that something was wrong, wondered if I wasn't as composed as I made myself out to be. I knew on some level she blames herself for the tension between us, and after hearing her confirm her insecurities about receiving the proper amount of my trust, I immediately felt her pain. I was such an ass for keeping something like that from her, even if I had the intention of sheltering her and making sure I could trust her. She had to know that if anyone was to be blamed, it should have been me. Not her, never her. She just wanted to feel close to something, and I understood that.
After my session with Dr. Webber on Wednesday, I picked up an extra shift at work and informed my boss that I wouldn't be able to make it in on Friday. Jasper and Emmett agreed to help me plan my date with Bella, but of course Alice being Alice had to intercede, insisting she help in the matter. I didn't mind, I just wanted to make Bella see that she was what was important to me now, that she wasn't second in line to Addie. That she could have ever thought that saddens me.
I hated myself so much in that moment when she told me how inferior she felt toward Addie. It was absurd, Addie wasn't someone she ever knew and still she felt threatened by the very idea of her, of the memories of Addie that I hadn't shared with her.
That was another point Dr. Webber brought up; talking about Addie with Bella. He said to do that in baby steps. "Bella is going to be curious about her, Edward. She is going to wonder what kind of person she was, and how you saw her. She's going to inquire a lot about the life you had before she moved here. She might wonder not only about Addie, but your childhood as well. And that's not something to be worried about; it means she wants to understand you on a more thorough level. And there is no reason that you shouldn't question her as well. I know you wonder about her old life in the same way she wonders about you. You both deserve each other's trust and honesty. It's key, Edward; key."
I didn't know how soon it would be before I could openly talk or discuss my relationship with Bella. I wanted to be honest and open with her, but I was afraid anything I say could and would hurt her. That she would always feel pain from the memory of Addie, even though those weren't her memories to bear. Addie was something I was handling. Those memories are something that I have to sort through myself and learn to control. I can't be sad forever. I know that now. Bella is helping me realize that Addie wasn't the only person for me, she could have been, but she wasn't.
I care deeply for Bella. I hope that she knows that; can see that. But part of me is scared that she is ignorant to that fact. I know that I am in the process of falling for her, it's so very apparent. I always want to be near her, and it seems to be getting stronger every day. I feel like our emotional connection is so much more profound than anything I've ever felt, and that the other components of our relationship are struggling to catch up. Alice is quick to joke that Bella and I act more like a married couple than boyfriend and girlfriend. And that scared me. I know that once Bella realizes how much better she is than me that there is a great potential for her to leave me. I know that it would hurt me so much worse than anything else ever could.
Asking Alice for advice on how to handle our current 'awkward' situation proved to be more helpful than anticipated.
"You have to keep her close, Edward." She stated in her matter-a-fact tone.
"I do keep her close, Alice, she knows more about our family than any other person in this town." I responded.
She just shook her head at my response. "No. I'm not talking 'personal knowledge'. I know she is trustworthy. I'm talking emotionally and physically close. Your relationship with Bella is so far from normal that sometimes you forget that you've only known each other for a few months. "
"Physically?" I wondered aloud, giving her a warning look. I didn't know if I felt at all comfortable with her discussing the physical aspects of my relationship with Bella.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Edward. I'm not talking sex or anything. That's between you and Bella. I'm talking about the subtle things. Like walking her to class and driving her to and from school."
"She has a car." I pointed out.
"That's very observant of you, Edward, yes, she does own a car. But, trust me; she would appreciate spending more time with you. Even if it's just the ten minute drive from her house to school. And when we're at school holding her hand and keeping her close in the halls…Bella knows that you care about her, but be tangible with how you express it. Besides, don't you want the other guys in our class to know she's off limits?" She asked.
I shrugged. "If they haven't figured out that we're dating by now it's just pathetic really." She laughed at the comment, nodding her head in agreement.
"Thanks for the advice, Alice."
"No problem, just keep her happy." And with one last smirk she danced out of the room in true Alice fashion.
I sighed, leaning my head back against the cool leather of the driver's side headrest. I had been waiting since final bell to pick up Alice and Bella. Bella would normally bring her truck, but it got a flat this morning on the way to school and couldn't be fixed until tomorrow morning. Alice offered up my car as an alternative, not that I minded Bella getting a ride home with me, just that Alice didn't realize I had to get to work in…I looked at the glowing numbers on my dash-board….less than an hour.
Bella had a meeting with the dean after school today to discuss her academic progress since the beginning of the semester and to follow up on how she was adjusting. She had been nervous about the meeting all day, and it was starting to put me on edge as well. Alice finally promised her that she would wait outside his office until she was finished and then we would take her home.
My phone buzzed.
We'll be there in two! ~ A
I sighed again, pulling away from the parking space and out to the front of the school so they wouldn't have to walk.
I waited patiently for the next few moments to pass, and finally caught site of my pixie-like sister dancing her way toward the car. Bella was quick to follow, smiling when she caught me staring at her. Alice pulled open the back door, offering Bella the front seat, which I was grateful for. Bella blushed a little at Alice's invitation and slid herself into the Volvo.
"Hey." I breathed, grabbing her bag from her and tossing it into the back seat beside Alice.
"Hi." She whispered back. I smiled at her, leaning forward to brush my lips against her cheek.
"You missed." She teased, pulling my face back to hers for a proper kiss. I obliged, pressing my upturned lips to hers.
"Okay cheese balls lets move." Alice said, reaching in between us to fiddle with the radio station.
"Sorry." Bella giggled, sitting back into her seat but keeping one of my hands entwined with hers.
"Please don't apologize to her. Alice isn't a stranger to the art of PDA." I teased, giving my sister a wink. She scoffed at me, sticking her tongue out.
"Shut up."
I laughed, pulling out of the school driveway and onto the main road. I drove in silence for a little bit, listening to Alice and Bella have a conversation about the song currently playing and just enjoying the feel of Bella's hands tapping the beat out against my knuckles. I squeezed her hand a bit and tossed her a side smile.
"How did your meeting go?" I asked, turning so I could see a bit more of her face. She frowned a bit and shrugged.
"It was fine." She whispered, glancing at Alice and then back to the front. I looked in my rear view mirror to see gauge Alice's expression and noticed a mirror image of Bella's.
"Are you sure?" I asked, worried now.
"Yea, it was fine. Promise." She said, before turning her attention back to our entwined hands.
The rest of the ride home was silent for the most part, Alice's choice of bubbly pop music being a noticeable contrast to the somber atmosphere. I pulled into the driveway a few minutes later. I glanced once more at the clock on my dashboard, noting that I had a half hour now before my shift started.
I parked the car, grabbing my bag and Bella's out of the back before following the girls inside. Alice unlocked the front door with the spare key under Esme's flower pot and let us in.
The house was quiet for the most part. Emmett and Jasper were sitting in the living room watching television and I could hear Esme and Rosalie talking in the kitchen.
Alice dropped her stuff at the foot of the stairs and went to greet Jasper. Bella started to head for the kitchen but I reached for her arm, leading her up the steps toward my room.
"What are you-?" She began to ask.
"I just want to talk for a bit," I promised, gesturing to my door once we reached the third floor landing. I was worried about her reaction to the meeting earlier and hoped she was just keeping quiet in the car for Alice's sake not mine. I need to let her know that I noticed her discomfort and that I was here to listen if she was willing to share; which I hoped she was.
"Don't you have work soon?" She wondered, pushing the door open quietly in case Andy was napping.
"It won't take long." I assured her, following her into the room and closing the door behind us. The blinds were drawn, which meant that Andy was asleep. And even in the darkness of the room I could see Bella physically relax. I was happy that she felt comfortable enough here, in my room, among my personal belongings and memories. I reached for her in the darkness, resting my fingers against the bone of her hip.
Bella held up a finger to her lips in a gesture meant to keep me quiet, angling her body closer to mine.
"Yes I know, don't want to wake the beast," I teased, glancing sideways at the wooden crib not two feet away from us. She stuck her tongue out at me, breathing a soft giggle at my comment. I laughed along with her, careful to keep my volume to a minimum.
I allowed myself to relax into the easiness that flowed between us. It was peaceful and familiar and I welcomed it, my figurative arms eager and open. I kept my eyes on her, noticing the ease of her movements, her tensionless posture. I kept my hand on her hip. Subtle, tangible.
I watched as she bent over Andy's crib to get a closer look at him, following behind with measured, mirroring steps.
"He's snoring." She giggled again, dragging her fingertips through messy bronze curls. I breathed a quiet laugh.
"Yup, guess he's starting to pick up on Emmett's habits." She responded to my comment with a small smile, her lips pressed together in an effort to prison the bubble of laughter threatening to break through.
"Don't make me laugh." She teased, resting her warm palm against the hand that rested on her hip. I moved closer in response to her touch, leaning my face into her dark curls.
There was something about the darkness in this room. It didn't make me restless or anxious as one might anticipate. The word 'dark' doesn't have many positive connotations, but I felt like it was playing catalyst to the mood, making it more intimate, more personal. I breathed a quiet sigh against the nape of her neck.
"What?" She questioned, turning her inquisitive expression to face me. I held her face for a moment before leading her away from the crib and to the couch just beyond it. I motioned for her to sit. She gave me a tentative nod, but obliged, her small fingers wrapping around my own and pulling me down against the ebony leather beside her.
"Is something wrong?" She questioned quietly, mindful of my mood change.
I wanted to ask her about her meeting after school; needed to really. I didn't want her to be stressed about it if she didn't have to be. Part of me, the selfish part, wanted to know what they had discussed and if it had anything to do with me. The faculty was well aware of my current standing as a 'father', and I sometimes wondered if they ever concerned themselves about my relationships among the peers I keep close; namely, Bella. I wondered if maybe the dean had said something to her to make her uncomfortable and how I would handle the situation if I couldn't bring her to talk about it.
"Nothing's wrong, I was just…wondering about your meeting. You seemed quiet in the car, upset almost when I brought it up." I watched her dark eyes flicker with understanding, and my suspicions were confirmed when she tilted her face toward the floor and aware from my worried expression.
"Did the dean say something to make you uncomfortable?" I asked aloud, adjusting my posture so as to better face her. I squeezed the small fingers of the hand I held in my won, willing her to look at me.
She did, giving me a small glance and a slight shrug.
"Not really, I guess I was just nervous. It wasn't really what I was expecting." She spoke her carefully chosen words softly.
"I thought you were just meeting about grades and acclimating to a new school kinda thing. What part weren't you expecting?" I asked.
She didn't speak for a moment or two. "Can we talk about this later? I know you have to leave soon." She whispered, giving me a distant glance.
I looked to the alarm clock on my bedside nightstand. I had ten minutes before my shift started. I inwardly swore.
"I can stay a bit longer if you need to talk." I spoke after a few moments. Missing work wasn't an ideal option for me, but there were worse things in life than dealing with a late entrance to work.
"No, no don't be silly. Go to work, this conversation can wait." She gave me what was meant to be reassuring smile I suppose, but I could see through it.
"I'll be back around eight, will you still be here?" I wondered, moving to stand from the couch.
"Yes, Alice invited me for dinner. I'll wait for you, do you think you could give me a ride home later?" She rose with me, keeping her petite hand coiled with my own.
"Of course, can we talk about it when I get back?" I inquired as I made my way to the door, keeping her close. I barely registered her nod before she reached for the door handle. The door opened with the smallest of creaks, and she gestured for me to move through. I did as she asked, walking ahead of her, pausing my advancement toward the stairs only when it came time for her to close the door.
"I'll walk you to the door." She stated in a quiet tone. "If that's okay." She added as a quick after thought, looking up at me for an answer. I smiled.
"Of course it's okay." I squeezed her hand, and led us both down the stairs.
--
I got home later than expected, around nine ten. It was late, and I wondered if Alice had already taken Bella home. I wouldn't be surprised or upset, I'm sure the chief wouldn't have wanted his daughter out any later on a school night.
I sighed, walking into the door quietly so as not to disturb my family.
I hung up my jacket in the hall closet before making my way to the kitchen, hoping there would be leftovers of some sort waiting for me in the fridge.
"You're home!" Esme greeted me warmly, pulling me into a hug.
"Hey, mom." I kissed her on the cheek. "How was your day?" I asked politely. She gave me a smile before launching into a rather detailed account of Andy filled anecdotes. I smiled, picturing him in the various situations she was describing. "There's pasta in the fridge, I'll heat you some up." She said after a few moments, moving about the kitchen in a way only a mother could. Soon I had a heaping plate of dinner in my stomach and with Esme's help had finished cleaning up all the dishes.
"The girls are upstairs with Andy. Your boy had quite a long nap this afternoon and now we can't seem to wear off all his energy. Plus he's been asking for you non-stop. " She commented, shoving me towards the stairs.
"And I talked to Charlie, Bella's staying with us tonight due to the late hour." I stopped shocked at her words.
"Really?" I asked, a hopeful smile threatening to break across my face.
"Yes. She is." She gave me a smirk. "In Alice's room." I gave her a little pout, but she only laughed and sent me on my way.
I walked up the stairs quietly, listening to the sounds of muffled giggles pouring out from under Alice's bedroom door. I recognized my sister's high-pitched trills mixed with Bella's calm laugh. I smiled at the idea of being able to see her tonight, even with the late hour.
I knocked tentatively against the worn white wood, and waited to be allowed entrance.
"Who is it?" I heard Alice call. I felt the floor shift a bit and muted foot steps against carpet as someone made their way to the door.
"Me." I answered back.
"Oh!" Alice's voice again, this time closer. The door knob bent and creaked a bit with her effort in undoing the lock, but soon Alice's shining blue eyes were on full display. I smirked at her.
"Hey sis, I heard you're keeping someone entertained in here." I laughed a bit as Alice opened the door wider and motioned me into the room.
"Yup. I don't think we're ever going to get him to sleep, it's a lost cause. But maybe you could help us out." She answered, gesturing to the floor where Rosalie and Bella sat, a bouncing Andy resting against Bella's knees.
"Hey buddy!" I said, smiling when I caught my son's attention. His face lit up in recognition and his little fisted arms reached for me accompanied by loud proclamations of 'Da' in repeated sequence.
I laughed as did the other occupants of the room as I reached for his tiny form, pulling him to rest on my hip. He immediately threaded the cotton of my shirt through his fingers in response to my closeness. The gesture was familiar, and I smiled at him planting a gentle kiss to the crown of his head. I ruffled his hair a bit with the point of my nose before sitting myself down on the carpet beside Bella.
"Someone's happy to see you." She stated warmly, reaching out a tentative finger to poke at Andy's belly. I smiled at her, nodding in agreement as I placed Andy on the floor in front of me.
"So it seems." I responded, leaning toward her to plant a kiss on her blushed a bit, but gave me a warm smile in return.
"How was your afternoon?" I wondered, my hand automatically seeking out the small boy in front of me. I rested my fingers in his fists and allowed him to pull at my hands. He let out a round of soft giggles.
"Fine. Busy." She shot a pointed look at Andy, pursing her lips at his antics.
"I'm glad I got a chance to see you, I figured Alice would have taken you home a while ago. I'm sorry my shift ran so late." She shrugged at the comment, resting her hands behind her to support her weight on her wrists.
"I told you I would wait, and Alice invited me to stay over if it got to be too late before you were home. I didn't know if you wanted to talk a bit before I left." She answered back, giving me a sideways glance, her expression expectant.
"Sure." I turned my attention away from her for the moment, taking in the expressions of Rosalie and Alice who sat only a few feet away. "Can I borrow Bella for a little bit ladies?" I asked my sister and her best friend.
Alice nodded quietly, gesturing to the door. I gave her a grateful smile, reaching for Andy and picking myself up off the floor.
"The kid stays with us." Rose exclaimed crossing the room in a few quick strides and scooping my son into her arms. Andy didn't protest much, Rosalie was a familiar face, but he gave me a little pout. "Da!" He spoke, pointing a fisted hand in my direction.
"I'll be back in a bit buddy." I promised, turning back to Bella's seated form and offering her a hand. She accepted and soon we were on our way to find some place more private to talk.
--
We ended up in my room a few minutes later, sitting on the couch in the same positions as before, but this time I turned a few lights on. I wanted to be able to see her face in order to better understand her mood. She seemed content enough, but she was being quiet, shy almost.
"So, can we talk about your meeting?" I didn't want to beat around the bush so to speak, and Bella was evasive enough for the both of us so I didn't feel the need to ease us back into our previous topic.
"If you really want to hear about it, sure. It wasn't a big deal." She insisted, crossing one of her legs underneath her body and leaning her head back against the cushions.
"It didn't seem that way earlier. You had me worried." I said, requesting without words for her to tell me about what went on during that hour or so in the dean's office.
She sighed. "You shouldn't worry so much. Nothing horrible happened, it was just uncomfortable." She said, tipping her face back so as to look at my face. I nodded.
"What about it made you uncomfortable?" She shrugged, her gaze leaving mine for a brief moment. I could see her assess her choice of words.
"No editing, Bella. We have to learn to talk to each other without worrying so much about what the other will think." I said reaching for her hand and pulling it into my lap.
She gave me a calculating expression, taking a deep breath.
"Mr. O'Connell was there." She spoke softly. My eyebrows furrowed.
"Mr. O'Connell, the school counselor? Why would he be there?" I asked.
"At first I thought the dean brought him in to discuss my whole 'getting used to a new school', 'making new friends', kinda thing…but he wasn't really concerned those things."
"What was he saying to you?" I was starting to get upset. I should have been waiting with Alice instead of in the car.
"He was asking me about the friends I've made. We talked about Alice for a while. They wanted to know how close I was to her. I told them she was one of my good friends." I didn't say anything, my silence an effort to urge her to continue.
"We talked about Angela too, and Rose. They asked me if I was friends with Emmett and Jasper and I told them that I was."
"Mr. O'Connell spoke for a bit about limiting myself to a specific group of friends. He said that because I'm new I will cling to whomever is willing to offer me kindness. It was like he was insinuating that I was every kind of desperate. I felt like he was scolding me the whole time, it pissed me off to no end." She looked away from me, shaking her head at whatever image she was thinking about.
"It's not his place to make judgments about the people in your life." I ground my teeth at the thought of her being subjected to this kind of meeting. Alone.
"I wanted to tell him that he didn't have the right to tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with, but I was just shocked I guess." I nodded in understanding, my free hand curling into a fist at my side, my jaw tightening with my efforts to remain calm.
"He asked about you too." She said quietly. I felt her grip tighten around my hand and watched as she let her body sink a little bit further into the plush of the cushions, as if she was willing them to keep herself hidden.
"What about me?" I pressed, my eyes searching her face for the answer.
"He said I should be careful around you. He wanted to know if I was aware that you had a son." She huffed a dark laugh. "I asked him if he thought me completely ignorant. He was such an ass."
I internally blanched at Mr. O'Connell's insinuation. I wasn't going to keep Andy a secret, ever.
"Did they say anything else?" I asked, wanting some sort of distraction from the last comment.
"The dean put in his two cents saying how you were a good student, but he was worried about the type of relationship I hoped to "procure" from you. His words not mine…I gave him this look…I was so mad I just felt like punching something."
I felt like punching someone.
"They were hesitant when I first asked to be allowed to leave. But after dropping some comments about interference in personal matters and a subtle threat to call one chief of police I was allowed to go." She let out a deep sigh, closing her eyes.
We were both silent for quite some time, processing the new information that hung between us. She kept a solemn arrangement about her features and I reached to cup one of my hands between both of her own, as if she was protecting me.
"I don't think any less of you because you have a son, Edward. And to think that they would, two grown adults, makes me sick. I hated sitting there, I felt like I couldn't get a proper word in, that I couldn't defend you." She glared at our entwined hands for a brief moment. "I hated feeling like I couldn't defend you. I care about you, and I respect you, and they should too… I felt so weak for not being able to protect you or Andy." She gave me an apologetic look, her eyes glazing over with frustrated tears.
I just shook my head. Did I really need someone to protect me? And if I did why was she so willing, I had hurt her so much, and here she was keeping quiet in an effort to protect me.
"You don't have to protect me." I whispered, my tone attempting to be reassuring but not being entirely successful.
"Of course I do. That's my job… I need to be able to protect some things in my life. It used to be my mom," She paused, sniffling a bit. I lifted my free hand as if to cradle her face but she grabbed a hold of it and held it steady in her warm fist.
"If I can't protect you or Andy I'm not much of a friend or girlfriend. I want to be able to protect you and defend you both, because you're important to me." She kept her gaze steady with my own throughout the confession, willing me to see the situation from her perspective.
I leaned my head forward to rest our foreheads against one another's.
"I'm grateful that you feel strongly enough to want to protect us, but you don't have to beat yourself up about a situation that is out of your hands. Being a single father in high school isn't a common occurrence, and sometimes people like Mr. O'Connell don't know how to interpret it or handle it. I'm used to being judged based on my stereotype. It's not something you can ever fully protect me from." I explained to her, bringing our enclosed hands to either side of her face and laying a gentle kiss to her lips.
"I want to try…I will always try." She stated. I breathed a resigned sigh. She was too stubborn for her own good, and I loved her all the more for it. You love her. The thought nearly knocked the wind from me.
I never thought it would be possible to carry such feelings for anyone other than Addie, but Bella has proved me wrong on more than one occasion. We had only known each other for so long, but I knew that what I felt for her had so much depth. I needed her to see that I cared for her so deeply. I needed her to see how amazing she was, and maybe then she would realize how unworthy I am of her.
I kissed her once more, enjoying my new found realizations.
"I missed this." She whispered, bringing me out of my thoughts. Missed? I pulled my face back a fraction of an inch, giving her a questioning look.
"Missed?" I voiced my thought aloud, my eyes searching her expression for an answer. She blushed, eyes seeing everything but me. I brought a finger to her face, centering her gaze upon my own.
"Missed what?" I asked again, giving her a reassuring smile.
"Being close to you." She admitted, dropping her hold on one of my hands and folding her fingers into my unruly locks. My face fell with realization.
"I didn't mean to be so distant." I apologized, resting my palm against her soft skin, all cream and roses and warm.
"I was being distant too." She said, looking back at me. I shook my head.
"You were being cautious, I was being an ass." I breathed the reply. "I'm so sorry." I whispered.
I felt her head shake in my hands, and this time I was the one to look away.
"Edward, don't be angry with yourself. You had your reasons, I'm not upset anymore." I brushed my thumbs across the apples of her cheeks.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness." I whispered, giving her a sad smile.
"Of course you do." I felt the couch shift as she stood up, pulling me with her. "If we can't forgive each other, then there isn't much hope for our relationship in general.
I winced at her comment. I wanted there to be hope.
She noticed my pained movement and wrapped her arms around my waist in response. I folded myself around her, my cheek resting against her soft hair.
"I don't like to hold grudges, Edward. It's not healthy, and it eats away at relationships and one's ability to trust. If you're mad at me or want to talk about anything ever…please do. Talking to you about that meeting…it wasn't pleasant, but it took some of the stress away." I brushed my fingers over the planes of her back in a comforting gesture.
"Thank you." I whispered.
"No need to thank me. Like I said, protecting you is my job." She pressed her lips against the side of my neck before disentangling herself from my grasp.
"We should get some sleep, still a school night. I'll go grab Andy for you." I sighed, giving her a smile and a quick nod.
"Okay."
Progress. We were making progress...slowly....but surely.