25 / My Body is a Canvas

Ink, scars and piercings? Tell us all about Shepard's markings.

"Keelah Shepard! This place is… is… amazing!" Tali exclaims as soon as she steps into the Captain's cabin of the Normandy SR-2 for the first time.

The Commander puffs. "Yeah. Apparently The Illusive Man likes to spend money."

"Look at the fish tanks! But why are they empty?"

"And why shouldn't they be?"

"Come on, Shepard. Fish tanks are supposed to be full of fish."

"Oh really?" She winks at her, sniggering, but the quarian ignores her, still squealing excitedly.

"No! I can't believe it! You also have a private bathroom!" She runs inside it. "It's so huge! But hey… What happened to the mirror? Why is it broken?"

At her question, the red-head startles. "It's… It's nothing. Just… An incident."

"Shepard…" Tali resurfaces from the door, and even through her purple mask its evident she's upset.

"What about going to the Crew Deck now? Aren't you hungry?" the Commander asks, trying to quickly change the topic.

"Shepard… You don't fool me, you know that."

"Tali…" She rubs her nape, uncomfortable.

"Shepard, talk to me." The thrill in her crystalline tone is completely gone. "I am your friend. I'm here for you, not only for the mission. I'll always be there for you."

The woman inhales deeply – yes, she's right. That was the reason why she went immediately to Haestrom as soon as she found out about it in the dossiers The Illusive Man gave her. Of course the capable quarian engineer is a precious resource for her team, yet the truth is that the Commander needs her best friend at her side again. Now more than ever, after Horizon.

"Well… Shall we take a seat?" She points towards the couches in front of the coffee table and Tali complies.

"So… The mirror?"

"I… I smashed it, because I couldn't stand to see myself in it." The Commander frowns as she traces her new scars with her fingers. "These… awful… crimson… glowing wounds. And my eyes… These terrifying cybernetic red eyes. They… they haunt me."

"But Doctor Chakwas told me you refused to let her updating your implants to boost your healing capability."

She nods. "I want no one messing with my… rebuilt body anymore. Not even a reliable person like the her. I want to keep all those marks as a reminder of everything I lost and I'll never have back."

"Shepard… this make no sense."

"This whole situation make no sense!" she utters, "I died, and Cerberus did who the hell knows what sorcery with me, rebuilding me and bringing me back to life. I'm… I'm scared of myself."

"Scared?"

"Miranda Lawson told me that I am exactly the same woman I was before… But I don't recognize myself. My muscles are stronger, my senses are enhanced… Even my biotics are different than before… darker, explosive… I mean – I can biotically charge enemies!" She shakes her hands exasperated.

"Yeah, I noticed that. It's quite impressive."

"I miss all my old scars. The one on my right shoulder that I gained during our fight against Saren… The one on my left eyebrow and on my upper lip, reminders of Akuze… The one on my right hip, from my very first N7 assignment… The one on my left arm, where those batarians shot me on Mindoir… They were all a part of me, an important part. And now they're all gone, replaced by those… reddish glistening chinks."

Tali brushes the tiny skull on Shepard's right wrist. "Though, you still have all your tattoos, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do." She cackles sarcastically. "This the best point. They repainted all of them – this skull, the N7 logo on my nape, the Alliance logo in my right ankle, the Spectre logo on my small back, even the one… the one… Oh screw them. This is so ridiculous, it's like they tried to deceive me with this guise of normality to hide all the… vileness they made. I… I'm–"

"Shepard," her friend interrupts her, "Calm down."

The Commander glances at her, puzzled. "I…"

"You are you. I am more than sure about that." Her hand is now firmly wrapped on hers. "No cybernetic eyes, no glowing scars, no unknown biotic powers would ever change the extraordinary being you are, my friend. Yes, you died, and yes, you didn't ask for Cerberus to bring you back, still you had to pay an heavy price for it. But you are Commander Sharilin Shepard, and there is no doubt about it."

Hearing to the quarian saying her name for the very first time since they met is her undoing, and she bursts into tears. There has been only one other person who used to call her with it, the same person that refused her, and broke her heart into pieces.

"So… So why… Why didn't he… listen to me? He… more than… anyone else… He should… should have…"

Tali leaves her grip on her only to take her into her arms and embrace her tightly. "Honestly… I don't know Shepard. Your death… It has been hard for us all."

"Damn it." she curses between sobs against her shoulder. "This isn't fair. Damn it."

For a while only the sound of the bubbling water of the fish tanks resonates in the room, as the two stay, hugging on the sofa, the quarian fondly brushing her weeping friend's red hair. When the Commander finally manages to stop crying, she gently pulls apart from her hold and starts to speak.

"That mirror… I broke it the first night I spent aboard this ship, when I saw my own face reflected on it. From that moment, it was like I've been stifling my breath, doing my job like a robot, waiting for something… something to occur to me that would have helped me to find a sense to all of this. Though, after Horizon… I understood that all I needed was to meet Kaidan, and to have him telling me that everything would be fine. Instead… Instead…" Her voice crackles painfully. "Fuck. When did I become so weak? I lived all my life by myself, with no need of a man, of anyone else at my side. Why now? Why?"

"You are not weak, Shepard." Tali reassures her. "You're still the strongest person I've ever known. You're just in love. And when we love someone, all that we want is to be appreciated by them."

The biotic stares at her, astonished. "Hey… When did my little precious quarian become so wise?"

"I always have been." she replies in a huff, and the Commander finally gives a shy laugh.

"You know… There is one sole thing I did for myself… this." She turns, showing her back to Tali as she gets rid of her shirt.

The girl groans at the sight of the same kind of open wounds of her face that also covers part of her skin in there, then her attention is caught by a black tattoo on the left shoulder blade, the illustration of an unknown bird. "What is it?"

"It's a phoenix. It is a creature from human legends, the symbol of the death and the rebirth. It lives a very long life, and when it decides to die, it lets the sun burn its feathers to death. Thereafter it comes back to life from its own ashes."

"Wow, it's amazing."

"Thinking about being a phoenix myself… somehow made this fucking situation less… awful. Ironically, this is the only thing that really feels MINE, and it is new." She sighs as she redresses herself. "Now… Let's stop complaining. We have a galaxy to save, again. This is what really matters."

"Oh… Wait! Do you see? That's the solution to the problem!" Tali claps her hands, content.

"What do you mean?"

"Shepard, you have to upgrade your implants," she states, "They'll not only give you back your old appearance, but they will also heal all your injuries faster than ever. They'll make you stronger, unstoppable in the battleground, and that is what you need to accomplish our mission."

She's got a point. Between her nightmares and the pain caused by those wounds, the Commander is having hard time getting some proper sleep, and during fights, given that she never holds back her powers, she suffers way too much.

"You need to find at least a little of normality, you know that Shepard. You won't have your old scars back, but you'll be more… YOU, anyway. And if you want something as a reminder, like you said… Well, you may get another tattoo."

That very day, Doctor Chakwas upgrades Shepard's implants, which works as fast as Tali affirmed, healing any kind of injury she goes through during their missions and giving her an unblemished velvety skin. And her sky-blue eyes are shining bright once again.

Then, the first time they docked at the Citadel, she gets herself a new tattoo – actually, not exactly a brand new one.

Her most important and personal one it was made on a personal drawing of hers and represents her family: interwoven curves that point to three small stars, one for her father Nathan, one for her mother Hannah, and one for her little sister Michelle.

Shepard decided to do this tattoo on her left breast because she wanted it to be near her heart, and also because she didn't want anyone else to see it. Also during her occasional sexual affairs, she had never let her partner of the moment time to observe it, turning down the lights, attracting his attention somewhere else or not taking off her bra. Not even Kevin Shaw. After all it always has been only free sex, a way to enjoy a moment of relax and to not think about her work and her lonely life. Kaidan has been the only man who knew about it and its meaning, who has seen it, who has kissed it several times.

And now one of the curves of the drawing distinguishes itself by being added later, leading to a little broken heart.