...
Well I have to tell you Alice that I got a letter from your brother today. It did kind of not go so well for me. As always he somehow gets under my skin, so well in anger I wrote him a letter and before I knew it I had posted it to him. It didn´t occur to me before I was home what I really had done.
I really wish it was that easy to write to you too. Not that I want to write to you out of anger, but you know what I mean.
It´s been awhile since I have seen you now, and well I miss you. I of course know that you miss me, because unlike me you actually post your letters to me. I really wish I did to.
I have many letters to you just laying here, I think I should just throw them out most of the time. But then I think that maybe someday I will give them to you. Hopefully you and I can be what we used to be.
I also know it's been forever since you have heard anything from me, but in my defense that´s not all my fault. But I haven´t told you that yet.
You did write to me almost every week the first six months. Of course you know that, but what you don't know is that I did that too. I did write to you, it´s just that they never got posted. Renee said she did send them, but I have found them. All the letters I thought I was sending you were in her room. I threw a hissy fit when I found them and got grounded for that. Which is the first time ever. Emmett laughed at that since he thinks that I never ever get into any trouble.
In the letters I have written I have asked you to stop writing things about my dad, but now I know why you never stopped. I'm just so angry with him, but I also miss him so much. So it's just hard reading about him.
After I found all the letters, I just couldn´t bring myself to send new-ones. I´m just so embarrassed about everything. So well with that said I feel even more stupid and I´m pretty sure that this won't be sent either so it´s kind of stupid. But maybe someday I will stop being stupid and send one, or all of them. I miss you so much I really do. Hope everything is good with you and everyone else in Forks.
Oh and by the way, Emmett keeps bugging me about sending some kind of letter to you, and when I tell him (If I ever tell him) that I did send one to your brother he will get pissed at me. Not something that I`m looking forward to. But I have just myself to blame. If I send this you would not know who Emmett is, but he is my step-bother...
EPOV
Alice stopped reading just as suddenly as she had started. I just sat there not knowing what to say and Alice just sat there and looked at me. It was like she wanted me to say something, but this time I didn´t know what she wanted me to say. Luckily Alice broke the silence.
"She thought she had sent some letters to me, a bunch of them really. It was Renee, her own mother... "Alice said the word mother like it was leaving a bad taste in her mouth. "... didn´t post them for her."
I still didn´t say anything, How could I? I had sent Bella a letter were I told her how disgusting I thought she was and she wasn´t the one to blame. That only made me feel disgusted with myself.
"Did she write a lot of letters?" I had to know, I kind of knew the answer already. Alice had come home with a shoe-box last night after she had been at Bella´s place. The box in question was not a brand Alice would have bought herself, but it was a brand that I had seen Bella were.
"Yeah Edward, she had been writing so much that I haven't gotten through them all yet." Alice smiled one of her big smiles. A smile that she used before Bella left was there all the time but after Bella, well it hadn´t been there so often. "She used me like a dairy. There so much in the letters it´s... I don't even know. I think that by reading all of the letters I will know almost everything that she has been up to for the last eight years."
Hearing this made me want to go down to her room and steal all the letters. I wanted to know everything and for the first time since I can remember I was actually jealous of my own twin sister.
Alice put her arms around me, like she knew that I wanted to leave the room, and hugged me.
"She did write. She just didn´t send them. I wish she had though." Alice still kept her arms around me. "But she did write, and she did write a lot. She really cared, she didn´t just forget about me."
She kept saying something more, but I couldn´t make it out, because she started to cry, hard.
"Yeah, she cared. Bella never forgot about you." I said to her in a hushed voice, trying to sooth her. Because I didn´t like it when my sister cried.
As Alice cried I started to think about what had happened.
I was sitting at my computer downloading some new music. When Alice had come in to my room. She scared me a little, because I had been in my own thoughts. Thinking about my date with Bella. Alice didn´t say anything, just laid down on my bed. So I turned back to my computer and kept downloading music. It wasn´t the first time Alice had entered my room and just been quiet for awhile. She would talk when she knew what to say and this time was one of those times. I was shocked when this time she started to read something and it took me a little while before I understood what she was reading. She was reading a letter from Bella. She started in the middle of the letter and stopped before the ending. Was that all? Really?
After a bit Alice stopped crying . "I think I will go and call Jasper now." Alice kissed my cheek just before she left the room. Left me alone. Left me to think about what I had just learned.
I was left alone, with only my thought and right now, I didn´t like that at all.
Bella had been writing to Alice all along, but her mother had not sent them. After a few years she had found them, but then she still didn't send any of the letters. She didn´t know how to handle the situation. I guess I get that. I could really, but even so I didn´t like it. Not one freaking bit.
Alice would have understand, and she knew it. I know she did.
That´s why she gave her the letters now. Because she also knew that Alice would understand now. Alice would also forgive her, maybe not right away, but in time. That was probably one of the things that made Bella write letters even after she found the ones that Renee hadn´t sent. Not that that would have been the only reason. It was clear as day to everyone that had talked to Bella after she got back that she had been and still was missing Alice.
To me after talking to Bella as much as I had, well I knew that Bella had never stopped caring about Alice. I also knew that being so close to Alice, but not talking to her everyday was hurting her a great deal.
As Alice´s twin brother I knew that Alice had felt just the same.
But I also know that she can't be rushed into figuring this out. That she has to do all on her own.
She has to forgive Bella on her own terms. Frankly Alice didn´t even let herself know just how much Bella had hurt her over the past years until she saw her. So yeah, we all just had to wait and see.
We had our family dinner and Alice was going on and on about the letters. Which I´m totally fine with. I love hearing about them. Lies, Lies, Lies.
I hate hearing about them, I hate that Alice knows so much more than me. I hate mostly that I just can't go in to her room, take all the letters and just read them too.
"So, she did write a lot of letters I take it." Dad said with a big smile.
"Yeah!" Alice nodded like a crazy person. "She did, and everything is in them. I mean everything." she had this big smile on her face as she said it.
I tuned her out after that. Getting lost in my own mind.
I hated that Bella had written to Alice, I hated that Alice had the letters, I hated that Alice knew more about Bella then me. I hated that I hated all of this. But I really hated that Bella hadn´t told me anything about it.
Bella hadn´t told me anything about this... Bella hadn´t told me anything about this.
I wasn´t suppose to know anything about them. I should have told Alice to stop reading.
Bella should have been the one to tell me this, not Alice.
What if Bella didn´t want me to know?
And What would she do when she found out that I knew?
The dinner got finished, the night went on and all I could think about was Bella and that I should not know about what was in the one letter Alice had read to me.
This was all messed up and I was thinking like a girl.
The one big thing that I couldn´t stop thinking about was, what if she would call of the date, what if this meant that she wouldn´t have anything more to do with me after this?
The night come and went and so did Sunday. Even how slow Sunday went, Monday was there long before I was ready for it.
Soon I was standing at school looking for Bella and her truck.
As I stood there looking for her Mike come up to me.
"So I heard that Bella and Emmett never have been a couple." Mike said, I just nodded. He smiled a little. "So you knew? Why didn´t you say anything to me. She´s smoking hot and all the guys have been patiently waiting because we thought she was off the market."
"She is."
"Oh?" Mike looked at me with big eyes, he just loves gossip. Sometimes I think that he should have been a girl with how much he likes it. "Who? I haven´t heard anything?"
I looked over at him, I wanted to say that it was me, That I was the one, but not knowing what Bella would do after we talked I didn´t say anything. I would wait till after we had talked. Just then the old beat up truck come into view. I smiled a little as I started to look for Alice sure she would want to talk to Bella, but didn´t see her anywhere. The car hadn´t even came to a full stop before the passenger door was opened. I saw Bella jump out of the car, a big smile was on my face as I watched her walk towards me with a smile just as big on her face.
"You have some explaining to do." She said as she took my hand and pulled me with her. All I could think was, how did she know? Who could have told her? But if she knew and was pissed then why would she smile? She was still holding my hand to. It was something that didn´t add up. As the warning bell rang I tugged her hand a little and she stopped to look at me. Still the smile was there and her eyes twinkled a little. So I smiled back at her.
I had just forgot all about Mike.
"What about class?" I whispered as she pull me thru the school.
"You want to go?" I just shook my head no. "Good."
She had let go of my hand now and started to walk again. I stood watching her as she walked away. She never turned to look and see if I was following or not. Of course I started to follow. As I caught up with her she looked up at me and smiled. Then she did something that really threw me off. She stopped and opened one of the doors and walked in. She laughed a little and cocked her head to the left and gave me a raised eyebrow saying,
"You coming?"
Once again I didn´t say anything just nodded my yes.
"I had an interesting talk with Emmett." Emmett? what did he have to do with anything? "And?" I asked. She looked at me a little like she didn´t know why I didn´t say more.
"We talked about the.. what was it you called it? Oh yes.. A pissing match? Yeah that´s it!" Now she really had lost me. I knew that she would be asking him about it, that was no secret. "He said what really threw him off was that you seemed to know about a kiss.?"
I´m sure my eyes were half way out of my head now. Not the kiss. I had to have shook my head a little because I heard Bella say, "Don't shake your head." She laughed a little nervous now and her eyes were all over the place. Bella wouldn't look at me, Weird. "If you make someone cry why do you comfort them?"
What? I think I am getting whip lash. She was all over the place.
"If someone was cry and it´s not your fault that they started to cry, why would you comfort them?"
She looked serious as she asked, but I didn't understand. And her question was weird? Why would you comfort someone?
"Why do you ask? Because I really don't know?"
Bella bit her lip a little before she answered. "Well Emmett said that the only reason a guy would comfort someone is;
A) It´s his fault and he knows he's in trouble. If he comforts the person maybe he wouldn´t be in so much trouble.
B) It´s not his fault and he hopes he would get something out of it. Like a treat or something?
So all I´m wondering is if you agree with him?"
Emmett had a point, you somehow always hoped to get something out of it. So not knowing where she wanted to go with it, I tried to talk around it. "Well yea Emmett has a point. Somehow, but I can only talk for me. I always hope that there will be something waiting on the other side, but..."
"OH MY GOD!" Bella cut me off, smiling a shy smile. "I told Emmett about the kiss."
Now I got it. I had run after her. I had comforted her and god. I had thought that she wouldn´t remember it all.
"I think you know what I´m about to ask now. I can see it on your face." She let a little giggle get passed her lips before she continued. She was so cute, there she stood all shy and somehow her shyness loosened my nerves. "Did you want to kiss me? Back then I mean?" She hit my arm playfully because I had raised my eyebrows at her.
"Well it wasn´t planed or anything. But somehow when I remember the kissing thing I wanted to be the one to kiss you." I took a little glance over at Bella, she just looked shocked. Which fascinated me, she had have thought at some point that I had wanted it or why would she ask?
"But you hated me? I-I mean, w-why would you want to kiss me?" Bella had taken a seat on the floor. I walk over and sat next to her.
"I hated the princess party. Was so sick hearing about it. I was so looking forward to it being over. We, the boys and I, had all been talking about it. How it was so stupid and on top of that we all agreed that you would never look like a princess." I looked over at Bella and her eyes were on me. She didn't interrupt so I was going to continue but I hoped that she wouldn´t be angry or something about the next thing I would say. "In our eyes you were not a girl, you were just one of us."
Bella still didn´t say anything when I stopped. I looked away and continued.
"When you come out and asked to play, well that's the first time we all so you as a girl. The dark blue dress made you look more girly then Alice, so when you asked to play all I could think about was how can she play in that dress. I didn´t really hear what Mike said before you run away, the only thing I knew was that you looked so sad. I had never seen you like that either. So I just run after you. The kissing thing well it was just... well I don't know, what got into me with that, but one thing is for sure, I´m not sorry about it."
"Emmett seems to think that you tricked me in to giving you my first kiss."
"Well in some way's he's right. But it wasn´t why I comforted you." Bella just smiled at me and I back. "But I have to say it was a big plus."
At that Bella did the one thing that she used to do all the time, she stuck her tongue out at me, before she started to laugh. My smile only grew bigger at the sound of her laugh. We just sat there for a bit, first period had already started. So now we would just wait till the next period. I looked over at Bella she had this little smile on her lips.
I had to tell her. Even if that meant that this, Bella and me, ended before it even began. Bella´s eyes met mine.
"What´s wrong?" Bella´s voice was so low that it was hard to hear.
But what got to me was that she could see that something was wrong just by looking at me. That has to count for something.
"You know the box you gave Alice." Bella nodded, and you could see on her face that she thought that to be a stupid question. "Uhm... well... god this is hard."
"Did she read the letters?" Bella´s voice was full of some kind of hope. I nodded as she looked at me. "So what´s hard? She hated them and has given you orders to keep me away from her?" Bella lifted her eyebrow as she said it. It was like she was trying to make me smile or something.
"No of course not. She didn´t come out of her room for more then to get something to eat. But when she did come out she came to my room." I didn´t dare look at Bella as I said the rest. "I didn´t know what she was doing at first. You see she just came into my room took a seat on my bed, and then she just started to read. I had no idea what she was reading or why she was reading out loud to me. It took a bit of her reading before I understood that it had something to do with you."
I stopped, still not looking at Bella hoping she would say something. But she didn´t. "Alice told me after she had read a bit that she had gotten the box from you and that it was full of letters from you. I know that I shouldn´t have let Alice read more from the letters then, but I didn´t. I wish..."
"Why shouldn´t you have let her read more Edward?" My head turned to look at Bella. What? Did she just ask me why I shouldn´t? "It´s Alice's letters, it´s hers to do as she pleases with. And I know Alice, Edward. I always knew that she would read some of it to you. That´s just Alice. If I wanted her to keep it to herself, well then I would have asked her to. Or even better not given her the box."
"So you're not mad or anything?"
Bella´s face broke into a big smile at that. "Mad? You thought I would get mad? It´s not like I wouldn´t have told you any of it with time anyway. And even so, it is Alice´s letters. So if she wants to share them with you, let her."
She wasn´t mad, angry or anything, and the best part she has just said that she would have told me. Not right now, but I would take it and she did know Alice. She had figured out that I would know something either way. So all was good.
"Can I ask one question. It´s about the letters?" Bella nodded, so I kept going. "I get that Renee should have posted the first ones, but when you found them why didn´t you send them then?"
She was biting her bottom lip now. "Well you see. Alice´s letters had started to come less often, and she did write more and more about dad at that time. I didn´t want to hear about him, and I felt stupid. When I found the letters I re-read all the letters I had gotten from Alice and felt stupid because I should have seen it in her letters that she hadn´t gotten any from me. She never answered any of my weird questions. I should have known. So I felt stupid and embarrassed, about that. And then there was all the anger I felt for Renee and dad that had let her take me with her. When I was over the anger, or the most of the anger, I did after awhile feel less stupid because Alice never said it straight out that she hadn´t got the letter. I still felt embarrassed."
"You did write to me though. Even if it was out of anger." I smiled at Bella, but she didn´t smile back.
"You hit a nerve with your letter. I felt like everyone was trying to push me. The day before your letter Renee had handed me the phone, I thought it was Emmett, but it was dad. He kind of tried to push the whole writing to Alice, said that he had talked to her. He said that I would regret not writing to her. All of this was just a few months after I had found the letters and well I just hung up on him. sitting back with the feeling that he cared more about Alice then me, which is stupid. So I was angry with Alice at that point. So when your letter came the next day. It was just the tip of the iceberg, so I let my anger out into the letter I sent you. Because you always thought you were better than me, so when I read your letter I just snapped. Emmett always says that you should be glad you were so far away, because if looks could kill you would have been dead ten times over."
"So Emmett was there when you got the letter. No wonder he hates me." I totally did a face palm to myself.
"That was what my paper in Mr. Brandon's class was about, the letter I wrote to you." She shook her head. "Something small that, meant a lot."
"Hum. me to. I didn´t know what to think when I got your letter. You don't know what you were talking about. Not everything is my fault. Those words have played around in my head often. Made an impact on me too. After that I tried to not judge so fast, but what really got to me was that I knew what I was talking about. I knew how Alice had it. I knew that she did miss you and I knew that you hadn´t been writing back to her. How could that not be your fault?" I took a deep breath. "But I know now what you meant about it."
"I can't believe you thought I would be mad about Alice reading you my letters."
"What? I watch TV and girls at school get angry about a whole lot less than that. Plus it wasn´t Alice's to share with me."
"Do you know what the best part about being friends with Alice before was?" I just shook my head. "The way that there were no secrets. I knew everything I wanted to know about her, more then I wanted to know about you and she knew everything about me. Well except one little thing that is. The kiss. "
Yeah the kiss, Alice didn´t know about that and if she would have ever gotten to know about it, I think I´d be dead then. Because she would've killed me because of it.
I took placed my hand around Bella´s shoulder, and she looked up at me smiling. "And I hope she never will, because if she does I´m a dead man."
Bella laughed. "I hope that you can run fast then. Because I´m sorry to tell you this, but Emmett sucks at keeping secrets that he knows other people would love to know. He can also brag about knowing something before everyone else."
"I can run pretty fast." Was what I said, but inside I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Bella laughed at me, so I think that it was written all over my face.
"Don't worry. I can take the blame. Emmett will not let her touch me. Especially because it would be his fault that she would want to do some harm to me." We both laughed at that. "We have broken some rules though."
"What do you mean?"
"We have kissed, but we haven´t been on our first date yet." Bella smiled up at me and the first thing that came to mind was that I wouldn´t mind kissing her again before the date. "But then again, I have never been one to follow the girly rules."
I looked down and my eyes shifting from her eyes to her lips, hers did the same. Just as I started to lean down, the bell rang signaling the end of the first period the one we never went to today. I think I heard Bella whisper something like 'Stupid school bell,' but I´m not sure. I got up and stuck my hand out to help Bella up, when she was up ,we stood really close. Ones again my eyes started to shift from her eyes to her lips and I had still not let go of her arm. She leaned in a bit and I bent down a little, and just as our lips was suppose to meet the door flew open.
Bella jumped a little from me, but since I still had a hold of her arm she didn´t get far.
"Edward my man, who do you got there?" It was Mike´s voice, something that meant that everybody would know about it before the end of the school day. I was about to pull Bella to me when she stepped closer to me and laid her other arm around my neck, pulled me down and kissed me. It was a soft kiss and just lips nothing big but it left me wanting more. As she pulled back she whispered, "At least now it would be kind of true when he starts to tell everyone that we made out in an empty classroom. She let go of me and walked past, I had let go of her arm as she had kissed me.
"Hi Mike." Was all she said before she left.
I didn´t want to turn, I didn´t want to hear what Mike had to say. All I wanted was for Bella to get back here and kiss me again.
"Thought you said that she was of the market and that you didn´t know who she was dating?" Mike´s voice was kind of angry, something I didn´t understand. So I turned around and yeah I was right, there was a lot of anger not only in his voice but also on his face.
"Never said I didn´t know who she has a date with." I never had, I hadn´t said anything, so he had just thought that himself.
"How long have you known that Bella and Emmett weren't dating."
"Since the first week, why?" What was his point.
"Was that to keep the competition away? Afraid you would have had some competition?" I just shook my head. "Then why didn´t you tell me or the others about it?"
"Why would I. Bella let everyone assume they were and so did Emmett. But she never lied about it. You could have asked her and then she would have told you." I was getting frustrated now. "And for the competition part, that had nothing to do with it. I just didn´t want you guys circling around her all the time. She wouldn´t have like that anyway. The thing she wants the most now is to have a friendship with Alice again."
"Sure that´s why." Mike rolled his eyes at me, like he wasn´t believing me. Not that I´m saying he was wrong in not believing me, because he had a point. Not that I would ever tell him that. " But are you sure that´s she´s not using you to get that friendship?" He said. At that I just laughed and the face Mike made made me laugh even harder. If it was one thing I was sure of, well then it would be that Bella would not be using me like that. Never. And even if I wasn´t sure of it, then what everyone that knew her said would have been enough to make me sure of it.
"Yes Mike, that I´m sure of." and with that I walked out of the classroom and toward my next class. Or should I say my first class for today.
Emmett had flipped the first time he heard the rumors that Bella had befriended Rosalie and Jasper to get closer to Alice. Telling both of them that that was a lot of crap. And the chief had also had some kind of confrontation in one of the stores when some of the towns gossip ladies had said something like that as well. And to top it all off. That´s just not Bella. She has never used anyone like that, so why should she start now?
I trusted Bella. She had never done anything bad to me, not even when we hated each other. The only thing she ever did was move and not keep in touch and now, now that I knew more about it I couldn´t really blame her.
When you're not sure of yourself, well then it is harder to be sure about something you don't have any control over.
Like if someone loves you or not. Even If it´s your own dad I guess.
Hopefully it's all over, and hopefully I will never know how that really feels.
AN:
I´so sorry for this slow update. Not everything is as it should be. Lift just keeps getting in the way for me to do fast updates. So so sorry for that.
This winter has just been crazy, hopefully will the spring and summer be more relaxing and I will get the time to write like I want to.
I cant promise any fast updates right know, we have a trial coming up next week and hopefully it will be over fast. My sister needs that and so she can go back to her normal life.
Whit that said, I hope you all are well.
Pleas tell me what you think about the story.
*SeeS*
Siw