Chapter 26

I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my chin on them. This had become one of my favorite positions to sit in ever since I'd begun to spend all my time in my room, except for one thing: I was not in my room.

Ironically enough, I was sat in one of the many Potter guest rooms. I was in a dress Lily had made me put on before she left for the wedding, might I add, wearing the ugliest gown known to man. It was a sickly green color and finished at the mid-ankle. It was botchy and completely unflattering to her, but I personally thought that was particularly why Petunia chose it as Lily's bridesmaid dress.

Anyway, once the wedding date had been set, Lily had decided that since none of us "weirdos" were to be invited, she would have a get-together. Normally, Lily would never invite James to anything, but she knew his house was the only place to host it so Vi and Remus got him to lend it to her for the night. So, that was the reason for Remus' and my parents got us to stay at the Potter's house. Lily had invited James, Sirius, me, Vi, Remus, Peter, Alice, Frank because he was Alice's fiancé now, the twins, and some other boys and girls in different houses. It was completely surprising to me that Lily would host anything along the lines of a party, but she was obviously not invited to her sister's reception.

So then, a few hours later I found myself, again sat, but this time on the floor of James' basement against the wall. I watched as everyone danced and laughed, but I couldn't find myself in a party mood. I looked over to the corner; the boys had snuck in some firewhisky and most of the guests had had a little, or a lot. I'd even seen Alice have a bit to drink, but now she was dancing a little wildly with Frank in the middle of the room. The two were the perfect couple, and even tipsy were completely adorable. Remus was dancing with some girl I'd never seen on the dance floor, which brought a smile to my face. In another corner, Lily was surprisingly being whispered to in the ear by some seventh year Ravenclaw, and even though James could easily see them, he was already canoodling some Hufflepuff. On the nearest couch to me, Vi and Fabian were in a heated and clumsy snogging session. Peter and Gideon were in the mist of a drinking truth or dare circle on the other side of the room with some more kids.

I played around with my bottle of firewhiskey, but never having been much of a fan for it, just continued sloshing it around. As I circled the room I noticed that there was, of course, only one person missing: Sirius Black. I sighed quietly. I missed him so much. He had been my best friend; the one who would do anything with me and would make sure I was never bored. Yes, he'd started out as an enemy, but then he became my closest friend, and finally my boyfriend. Then I messed everything up and I was nothing to him.

Except, he still didn't know the truth about me. That I'd attacked my own brother at the age of five, nor that I wanted to rot myself away because of it. So, we could never be together even if I wanted to.

And at that thought, none other than the Black himself was seated next to me.

I expected him to already be hammered, it nearing midnight already, but he seemed perfectly sober. "You know, I remember the last party we were at together." The winter ball, lovely. Where we finally got together. My heart sank at the memory of how happy I was. "Yep, one of James' cousins had made us partners and you walked right into me. You were wearing that white dress that you just looked gorgeous in, oh and let's not forget the tiara," he chuckled, I could almost hear the smirk that was no doubt plastered on his face. "While we danced you stepped on my foot, multiple times, but then once the song ended you ran away from me." His tone continued to be eerily cheery.

I stared at my bottle, not saying a word.

"Then, eventually, I found you outside on that little hidden bench," he continued, grinning a bit too much to be completely natural. "Speaking of which, let's go out there, it's getting hot in here." Without me answering he stood up and let out his hand for me to take. I looked hesitantly at the hand, but he wouldn't let it go. I just sighed and put down my bottle, taking his wrist for him to pull me up. He smiled a bit, entertained that I refused to hold his hand and led me out, as if everything was normal. I quickly took my hand away from his wrist and just walked with him, biting my lip.

We strolled through the beautiful garden, which looked so much more different than how it did that winter night. The flowers were out, the grass was a vibrant green, and animal noises filled the air. The sky was a somber grey, meaning it was going to storm soon, and the air was humid, but it was still splendid weather to me.

"Bit different than last time we were here. Without all the snow, you know," Sirius said, which gave me the strange impression he was reading my mind. I nodded and mumbled an agreement with him, but he persisted to keep conversation. "Personally, I miss the snow. We could've had a snowball fight right here," he acknowledged airily, but it was like a punch in the gut. He wasn't talking about the blasted weather, but about us now. He was torturing me with the thought of our past snowball fights, but I wasn't going to lose the little game he was playing.

"I dunno, snowball fights are so childish. We're sixteen now. We'll need to stop making stupid mistakes now," I played on, and without thinking made the last comment a bit harsher than I'd normally, but he was getting on my last nerve.

He nodded. "Suppose you're right. The snow isn't quite as fun as it seems. Gets tired after a while," he snapped back once we'd reached the bench finally. "Come, sit," he semi-offered, semi-demanded. I did as I was told and sat down on the other side of him, crossing my legs away from him. We sat in silence, both probably regretting what we had said already. Being hot headed, we both tended to speak without thinking it through.

I picked at the end of my dress quietly, and he leaned back on the bench, putting his hands behind his head. He was doing exactly what he'd done back in December, except this time it was a thousand times more irritating.

"Didn't get a chance to say it earlier, but you look nice," he said finally. I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows at him. After all that we'd said to each other, and he says that? He shrugged at me and looked away from me, "the dress suits you. At least better than the one Lily had to wear."

And that's probably what surprised me the most. It wasn't the snapping at each other, but he had never, in as long as I'd known him, called Lily 'Lily', he'd always called her 'Evans'. His normally cool as a cucumber exterior wasn't there anymore. I stared at him, trying to read his expression, but I couldn't. He was both opening up to me and shutting me out at the same time.

"Why'd you let me stay with you earlier?" Sirius asked out of the blue and my mind went to the beginning of the summer when he'd come in the pouring rain. "I mean, I'd hurt you, big time, yeah? Yet, you still opened the window and you let me stay with you for a week. Why?"

Why is he even asking? It's obvious why. "Because I care about you. Because you'd flown kilometers in the pouring rain, which by the way could have gotten you killed, and told me your dad kicked you out and you had nowhere to go. What else would I have done? Kicked you out to fend for yourself without money nor magic?" I probably said more than what I would have normally, but the truth was just pouring out of me.

"Then why did you say that kiss was a mistake?" he asked as he sat up, facing me. "Why didn't we get back together if you still love me?"

I was completely flabbergasted. He was asking me why we weren't together? "I said I cared for you, not that I loved you. And secondly, I vowed I would never get back together with you; you hurt me too much while we dated. Not to mention that I won't be dating you for the fact that I don't bloody deserve you!" I accidently blurted out the last bit, but I was too annoyed to care at the moment.

He looked just as annoyed as I was, "Oh, you don't love me anymore? Like I'm stupid enough to believe that! We were perfect together, why don't you get that? Yeah, we had rough spots, but everyone does. And of course you bloody deserve me! Are you mad?"

I could feel tears starting to come, but I quickly pushed them away and yelled, "I don't deserve anyone! Not you, not Remus, not James, not Lily, no one! I just need to be left by myself where I can't hurt anyone else!"

He scoffed, "So you can starve yourself again? 'Cause that worked out so well the first time." Sirius sighed in aggravation, running a hand through his damp hair, "Izzy, how the hell could you do that to yourself? You do realize that if the James, Peter, and me weren't all there during the full moon, Remus would have literally ripped you apart and killed you? How could you do that to him? Do you realize what would have happened to him? You made him go through that. You made all of us go through that!" The truth was coming out and I realized that he was furious at me. He had been furious with me for weeks, but he'd done a damn well job at hiding it. Hiding obviously wasn't working out anymore.

I was just as angry and loud as he was. "And wanna know what else I did? I bit him! I'm the one who did it! I bloody bit my own bleeping brother! The one that tried to save me, tried to go out and look for me. I'm the monster; I'm the one who attacked him! It's all my fault, Sirius!" I was shaking, harder than ever, never thinking that our conversation would go that far. I glanced up at Sirius' face; it looked like he'd been punched in the gut. He looked utterly shocked.

I stiffened up and continued, but this time much more quietly. "You don't know. You just don't know how it feels to break every single bone in your body in a matter of minutes, or to feel all your nails bursting out of your fingertips. You don't have to be afraid of hurting someone else and putting them through that pain. That's what I put Remus through. That's my entire fault. It's one thing to hurt yourself, Sirius, but to hurt someone else, to hurt your own brother, basically you're only real family, that's the worst feeling in the world. You'll never understand how hard it is to live with yourself after that."

All he did was stare at me. Just stared for what seemed like forever, but he then eventually asked me in a whisper, "does he know?"

I nodded. "Parents told him when they told me," I answered, watching a flower near by. "So, think of me what you want. I'm a monster and I know it."

"I… Izzy, I'd never. It wasn't your fault, you were only a child, not to mention you can't control yourself during…" he drowned out, but I could hear his voice break and I shut my eyes, shaking my head.

"We both know you don't believe that, and we both know I'll never deserve you, so just stop. Stop trying; I can't do this anymore. I'm going for a walk, if anyone asks about me tell them I'm fine and I'll be back at some point," I said quickly and stood up, heading for a direction towards the street. I walked quickly, but I knew he wouldn't chase me. Who would?

As if on cue, the rain started lightly, but I kept walking, thankful for the rain because it disguised the tears I'd finally let go. First it was a light streak of tears, but soon I was sobbing out loud, just wishing for it all to not be real. I sat down on a curbside, holding my head in my hands. I was finished, broken. I'd told Sirius my secret and he'd reacted exactly as I'd expected, but I'd secretly hoped it would be okay. That even after he'd heard the news, he'd tell me he still loved me no matter what, but I could never blame him. I was a monster, and I couldn't expect him to just let that go.