Being a grown-up sucks.

Sorry guys, I know I've taken way too long to update again, but i do have reasons that are too boring to talk about right now. So I'd just like to thank kamikaze-djali, karisdaae24601, LeslieTheSorceress, various guests and you other readers on Wattpad for your support and reviews.

Ok, so last chapter Mich found an angsty journal and finally realised her feelings for Quasi. This chapter is all about confusion. That's it.

No song this chapter, but I'd like to thank Leslie for suggesting 'Seventeen' from Heathers for the Kich theme song. It's perfect! I love it so much!

Anyway, hope you like :)

To tell him or not to tell him...

Those were my first thoughts as i slowly regained consciousness the next morning. It turned out i had slept, but only just. Most of the night had taken up with disjointed thoughts about music and my pending situation.

Now i had admitted my feelings to myself, what would i do about it?

This question continued to bother me as i forced myself out of bed and tried to clear the mental fog that resulted from a lack of sleep, looking around for my uniform and socks like someone lost.

I would obviously have to tell the girls. They had been waiting long enough, and it would be cruel to leave them out of the loop now. I could probably expect a lot of teasing, but i guess I deserved it.

Would i tell Quasi? The very thought had my face burning and my heart tripping over itself. I didn't really need to, did I? There was no guarantee that he felt the same, and I didn't want to do anything that would affect the awesome friendship we already had. And if everything went the way i planned it, he'd be gone in a few weeks anyway. There was no point. It would be better if i just continued on like nothing had changed.

So i got ready for school, had breakfast and tried to look inconspicuous, wondering if my changed state of mind could be visible to my family. They didn't notice anything, thankfully, and i managed to get out the door without a hitch.

School was a different matter. The closer we got to the high school, the more nervous i became. When mum finally pulled up in front of the gates, my insides were twisting so much i honestly thought i was going to be sick. I hurriedly kissed her goodbye and jumped out, trying to take deep breaths and calm my racing heart before i met my friends. This is ridiculous. Its only the girls. Chill out. It's not like you're going to tell Quasi. Its only your friends. And you're tellung them something they know anyway.

With a gulp, I hoisted my bag on my shoulder, spied my friends in among the hundreds of students that covered the campus and raced throught the gates to join them.

After exchanging pleasantries, I took a deep breath and just decided to go for it. "You guys, I have something to say."

They looked at me expectantly.

I was already losing my nerve, but i forced myself to go on. "It's taken a while, but I did a lot of thinking last night and I... Well, I... God this is stupid!" I burst out, followed by a humourless laugh. "I mean, you already know what I'm going to say, but i still can't say it. Ugh, ok." I gripped my bag strap tightly and willed myself to stop being such an idiot. During my speech, Bex had gotten to the point where she was practically jumping up and down in excitement. At my pause, she opened her mouth to say something, but only managed a squeaky "You...!" before Em clamped a hand over her mouth, silencing her. Meanwhile, she and Dez had been watching me attentively, waiting for me to hurry up already, and so I gritted my teeth and got on with it.

"So basically, what i want to say is that you were right. All of you were right, and i can't believe i couldn't see it until now. The fact is, I am... in love with Quasimodo." This last bit was said quickly, with a glance around to see if anybody else heard. No-one had, and i braced myself for the inevitable reactions on my friends.

Em rolled her eyes and muttered "Finally" under her breath, but she couldnt stop the smile from streching across her face, though she tried her best to hide it.

Bex, on the other hand, grabbed me as soon as the words left my mouth and smothered me in a tight hug, and i patiently put up with a mouthful of frizzy orange hair and shrieking in my ear for a about a minute before i pushed her away, needing to breathe.

Dez just laughed at us and patted my shoulder while i recovered from the death hug. "It's about time, you big idiot."

"I know," I sighed, massaging my shoulder, "but I've just been too afraid to admit it. Everything's just been crazy busy lately and i didnt want to make things complicated."

Bex clasped her hands together. "So when are you gonna tell him?"

I pulled a face. "Is that really necessary?"

She stared at me. "You're kidding me, right?"

"There's no point," I protested at their shocked expressions. "I have it on very good authority that he'll probably be moving after school finishes, and besides, if it turns out he doesn't feel the same, it would just make things awkward. I just want to enjoy the rest of our time together without anything getting in the way."

"There's no way he doesn't feel the same!" Bex exclaimed. "You can't just not tell him!"

My stomach did a little flip at her words, but I stood firm. "I'm not going to say anything. I don't want to risk losing everything I've worked hard to build between us. It's too important to me."

"But you won't lose him! Don't you understand? I'm certain he likes you as much as you like him- you just need a little push-"

"No pushing." I held her gaze, trying to look stern. "I don't want you to do anything, ok? Just leave it. He'll be gone in a few weeks, and then it won't matter anymore. Don't you dare get involved."

"But-"

"Bex..."

She huffed noisily and crossed her arms. "Fine."

"Thank you." I breathed out, feeling relief spread through me. "And that goes for you guys too. Just... leave it. I'm happy the way we are, really i am."

"Well, as long as you're happy..." Dez looped her arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "I'm happy for you, even if you're too scared to do anything about it."

I swatted at her playfully and pulled away as the bell rang. "Scared, me?"

"Only always!" she called cheekily as she headed away to class, chestnut ponytail swinging madly behind her.

Bex gave me a grin and ran after her, leaving me with Em. As we turned and began to follow the crowds of students into the main building, she nudged me lightly and inclined her head in my direction. "So, was it his beautiful voice or soulful eyes that made you finally realise your feelings for him?"

"Neither. Well, they certainly helped." I grinned, then sobered quickly as i remembered my revelation last night. "It was something completely different, actually. I can't really tell you much, because it's pretty personal stuff, but I'm involved in... let's just say, 'improving the quality of his life'. If everything goes well, he'll be safe and sound and probably very far away when school finishes, but I've been resisting helping in him in any meaningful way for a while. I've only just realised why, and it's because... well, because i dont want to lose him. The idea of going back to my normal routine, going back to school without him, it just..." I wrapped my arms around myself as we stopped at her locker, suddenly unable to talk through the aching lump in my throat.

"It scares you," she finished for me, quickly throwing in her bag and grabbing the books she needed. "You've gotten used to him, and now he's leaving."
I nodded, looking at the ground, oblivious to the other students rushing around me.

Em slammed her door and started walking towards my locker. "Then wouldn't it make sense for you to tell him before it's too late? At least get some closure, find out if he feels the same. He's leaving, Mich. Are you really going to let him go without telling him the truth?"

"I don't know," I murmured, my head feeling like a tangled mess of spagetti. I was so confused now. On the one hand, Em sounded perfectly logical, and i couldn't agree with her more. On the other hand, fear was trying to override the logic centres of my brain.

"Look, i have to go," she said, glancing at her ipod, and i noticed that the hallway was starting to empty. I was probably going to be late, not that it mattered to me anymore. "Think about it. I'll see you later."

I nodded and continued on to my locker, not in any hurry to get to class. What was school when i had such a dilemma in front of me?

God, love is stupid.

I only just survived first period, barely paying attention to the lessons at all. My English teacher was a particularly cruel woman who took delight in singling people out to embarress them, and when she saw that i was preoccupied and thus called on me, i only just managed to scrape through by the skin of my teeth. Thank God it was English, something I was actually partly good at, and not maths.

The fact was, the more I thought about it, the more worried I became that the girls, Bex in particular, would take matters into their own hands with regards to mine and Quasi's relationship. I wasn't exactly sure what they would do, short of actually pushing us together and demanding that we kiss, but knowing Bex and her almost aggressively romantic side, I wouldn't put anything past her. So I became more and more apprehensive as the morning wore on, both of my friends doing something mortifying, and of actually seeing Quasi that lunchtime. I was terrified that i would say or do something that would wreck everything that i had worked to create with him- not that i thought he would push me away, but i didnt want to make things awkward between us, not when we had just worked everything out and forged such a close bond.

Then there was the other possibility- that he actually returned my feelings. That thought was actually more terrifying than the first one. It felt like such a long time since i had been in a situation like that, whether it had been real or not, and now i had become so sure that i was better off by myself that the idea that someone could actually like me like that was difficult to get my head around. And then there was the extra situation of his leaving. I was sure everthing would work out. His chance for a better life was just around the corner. I didn't want to make the goodbye any more painful than it was already going to be.

By lunchtime, i felt like two sides of my mind were at war with each other. One side, which had taken on Em's voice, was arguing that i should just tell him and get it over with, and the other side was listing all the reasons that i shouldn't. Meanwhile, my heart was equal parts desire to find out if he liked me back and fear that he wouldn't, or worse, that he would. It couldn't quite decide which answer was scarier.

It felt like there was an entire highschool TV drama going on inside me, and it wasn't going to let up any time soon.

For once, the lunch bell wasn't a sound that I was looking forward to that day. Nevertheless, class ended, the bell rang, and i dragged my feet to my locker and then out the doors toward the art block. Maybe it was my dawdling that helped me answer my own question of whether the girls would get involved, because while i was contemplating just ditching everyone and going to mope by myself, I saw Quasi and Bex emerge from another building, deep in conversation.I stopped, my heartrate speeding up as i contemplated my next move. Bex was almost definitely telling him everything, despite my express order not to. What else would she be talking to him about? It wasn't like she or the other girls were usually very talkative with him. So what would i do, apart from killing the traitor?

I was only half joking at this point.

I couldn't ditch, i decided. If i was right and he knew everything, how would that make him feel? Like I was possibly ashamed of my feelings? I didn't want that. Plus, there was a side of me that just couldn't wait any longer to be in his presence, despite all my fears. I would just have to hope that he would be too nervous or embarrassed to bring it up. Maybe if i acted like nothing had changed, he would even dismiss it as Bex trying to set us up and nothing more.

Ugh, just get over there would you?

I took a deep breath and forced my legs to move again. During my internal conflict, Bex had finished betraying me and left with a skip and a jump, and i watched her jog away with a defeated feeling. How could she be so happy after just possibly ruining my life? Had she no shame?

Shut up and get this over with.

Bracing myself, i smiled at Quasi, who was waiting for me outside, and let us into the room.

"So, should we practice?" I asked, willing my voice to stay steady. I didn't look at him, for fear that he would be able to read the truth in my face; instead i inclined my head in his general direction and hoped he wouldn't think i was avoiding him. Which i was. But i didn't want him to know that.

He nodded and set himself up at the large desk, and i retrieved both our guitars from their corner and handed his over. We went through our little routine- eating a few bites, tuning our guitars, getting up my sheet music on my laptop- like we always did, but today it felt... tense, i suppose, though whether I was just projecting or it was actually weird between us, i wasn't sure. Actually, I wasn't sure of anything anymore. My paranoid mind was taking me round in circles. Is he normally this quiet? What did Bex said to him? What is he thinking? Should I say something?

We started to play when we were ready, and i tried to immerse myself in the song, really listening to his playing and fitting mine in around it. Once i was confident, i started singing quietly, and before I knew it, we had finished.

"Good." I took another bite of my sandwich and cleared my throat. "Should we both sing this time? You have the second verse and then we share the rest of the song."

"Ok." His voice was almost silent, and i wondered if now was the time to say something. Should I ask what Bex said to him? I shook my head and started playing again, counting beats and hearing the song in my head. I started to sing, but when I got halfway through the first verse, my voice died away, because suddenly I was hearing the words properly and I realised that I couldn't sing it with him, not now. I couldn't sing a love song that sounded just like us and pretend that nothing was different.

"I-I'm sorry." I coughed, hoping he'd believe my excuse. "My throat is a bit sore. Maybe we can try again later."

"Ok."

He was definitely distracted, i could tell. But i wasn't ready to question him yet. So i put some music on instead, and after a moment, Quasi got out his journal.

The sight of that book brought my thoughts to a screeching halt. I had completely forgotten about the things i had read yesterday. That was another thing that i desperately wanted to ask him about, but I couldn't. I felt like I was back to square one, deadly curious and too afraid to ask questions for fear that he would push me away. All that progress we had made, and now look where we were.

I sighed and pulled out my own journal to copy my latest stories into a document. Out of the corner of my eye i could see Quasi flipping through pages and pages until he found one particular page, and after reading it through he closed the book and laid it on the table. I tried to focus on my typing, but my eyes were drawn to the journal and now i was thinking back to yesterday, when he randomly thanked me. Could that have been some kind of hint? A goodbye? Oh god. What if he was planning to kill himself? I didnt know how long ago those things were written; they could've been written ages ago. But for all i knew, it could've been a few days ago and this could be the last time i see him.

What could I do?

I flexed my fingers and stared at the screen, my chest feeling heavy. I was afraid, terribly afraid, trying to decide whether to risk talking to him or not. I knew nothing about depression or how suicidal thoughts worked. What if i said the wrong thing and precipitated it? How would i live with myself?

While these unsettling thoughts were rushing through my mind, i heard Quasi shift in his chair, take a deep breath and slide the journal across the table. I looked over at him and noted how his lips were set in firm resolution, determined to do whatever he was going to do, though his eyes betrayed him. They were fearful, worried, as if scared of my reaction. The hand around the book was holding it tightly, so tightly that his knuckles were white, and he sat stiffly in his chair. He just looked so uncomfortable and afraid, and it took all i had to not jump up and hug him and tell him that it would be alright, that he would get through whatever he was going through. But I didn't.

He looked at the book that was clutched tighly in his hand and cleared his throat. "There's, uh, s-something i want to say. I-It's in this book, actually. Its very, um, very important. I n-need your opinion."

What?

He could only be referring to his own depressed entries. Was he asking for my advice? Did he want me to help him get through it?

Be fair, that's pretty much what you've been doing for him anyway.

This was a ridiculous coincidence, since i had been wanting to talk to him about it anyway.

He let go of the book reluctantly and gave it a little push towards me, his hands returning to his lap to fidgit incessantly. His eyes refused to meet mine, staying fixed on the floor somewhere near my left shoe, and he seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. "I-It's at the end. Y-you sh-should, uh, read it."

"I already did." The words were out before i could stop them. Kicking myself, I added, "It fell out of your bag. I didn't mean to."

His eyes widened and briefly raised to meet mine before looking away again. "Oh... Well, uh..."

"Can i just ask: is it recent, what you wrote?" I had to know.

"Yes, I-I guess so."

"Oh, Kaz." I moved my chair closer and tried to meet his eyes. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I swear i had no idea... I thought you were happy! I mean, as happy as you could be under the circumstances... I thought i was helping, but it obviously wasn't enough." I took his large hands in mine, ignoring the butterflies that started up when i did so, barely noticing the way his expression was changing while i tried to think of a way to help. "If you want my advice, I'd say try to forget it. I know that's probably a really hard thing to ask, but forget about those feelings and focus on the good stuff. Focus on our friendship, and playing music, and art, and-" I stopped, finally noticing that something was wrong. He seemed to have deflated, and to say his expression was dejected would be the understatement of the year. He looked so disappointed and heartbroken, like i had just torn up one of his pictures or broken his guitar or something as equally horrible. Puzzled, i squeezed his limp hands, trying to be conforting. "Hey, did I say something wrong? I'm really sorry..."

He shook his head and pulled away from me. "N-no, it's fine." Pushing his chair away, he stood up and headed for the door, his voice shaky. "I-I'm sorry. I should've known better."

I stood too, now thoroughly confused as to what exactly was going on. "Wait, what?"

"I understand. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. I'll go now." And he did. He opened the door and just walked out without any explanation, leaving me standing there, wondering what the hell just happened.

I looked around helplessly, as if there was someone in the room who could help me. But it was just me and the dust. That was weird. Obviously there was more going on than the stuff i had read. I thought he had wanted me to tell him what to do with his suicidal feelings, but it seemed like he was talking about something completely different. I glanced at the table, where the dramatic little journal still rested, and hesitantly reached for it. I was definitely missing something, and it appeared that whatever it was was inside.

I flipped it open and began quickly turning pages, glancing over what i had already read in search of something different. Art and words flashed across the pages, until i reached the place i had stopped reading and found only blank pages afterwards. Frowning, i turned a few more pages and... there it was. A whole section that i had missed. The answer had to be here.

I checked my watch, noting that i still had about 20 minutes before classes started again, and got to reading.

These new entries had a different kind of feeling to them. I scanned the pages quickly, little phrases jumping out at me from the short paragraphs.

I think something is different. Not the bullying. The bullying stays the same everywhere, but there are two people who don't treat me like they do. I shouldn't let myself get used to it, but it's hard not to get a little bit hopeful that this might last a little longer than the others did.

Was he talking about me and Esme? Probably. This must've been at the very beginning, which meant that the previous stuff was old. I sighed with relief. Thank God.

Every time i try to write about the most exciting thing thats ever happened to me, i can't find the right words. She's so beautiful and amazing, how can she possibly be interested in someone like me?

Well that was definitely Esme. Flattering and flirting and convincing him that he was loved for once, only to bring him down further than he had been before.

The next page was just three words, messily written and faintly stained with green: She was right. That was probably just after the Halloween Dance. He had never admitted his mistake to me until much later, probably too mortified, but seeing it written down was relieving. At least he wasn't stupid, although arguably, not listening to my warnings or even considering them was pretty dumb. But love, or at least infatuation, was pretty good at clouding the mind. I knew that from experience.

The next few pages had been torn out, going by the jagged bits still attached inside. Ranting over how unfair life was? Quite possibly. I knew from the earlier thoughts about death that he could get dramatic enough.

It's started. The real stuff has started. Maybe they just needed a leader.

Just as i thought it was getting too hard to take, she stepped in. I can't believe it. No-one has ever done this before.

Perhaps she is as insincere as Esme, but for the moment she is kind, and friendly, and very protective, and what's more, she BELIEVES in me. It's confusing. I want to cling to the faint hope that i still have despite everything, but there is so much against it. She can't possibly be sincere, can she?

For now, i am eternally grateful that the beatings at school have stopped.

I think she wants to help me take my mind off all of this. She visited me the other day, and organised for me to teach her how to play guitar. I can take a hint now. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Now i have something to do.

The 'she' in all this was me, obviously. I found it curious that he didn't use my name, but then how important was it? He knew who he was talking about, and that's all that mattered. The vain part of me was thrilled to see him writing about me, but i still hadn't found the important bit that he had wanted me to read.

A few pages of doodles followed the entries before they began again. I wasn't sure what it was, but i had a feeling that a lot of time had passed during those drawings. The writing on the next few pages looked fresher than in the rest of the book. It could only have been added to in the last few weeks.

I'm trying to stay above it, but she doesn't make it easy.

Above what? I immediately started to worry. Assuming he meant me, what was i doing wrong? The next few were equally puzzling.

I keep telling myself to not even think about it. I should know better, considering what happened with the others. But it's so hard.

I keep waiting for her to reveal herself, but she doesn't. She just keeps on trying to help, even with the stuff that's way out of her league.

Perhaps i need to be more trusting. But i need to figure out how to separate trusting from caring.

I think it's too late. The damage has been done. I have already fallen. Where do I go on from here?

What was he talking about? He couldn't possibly mean me anymore. He was probably referring to Johanna. Maybe it was hard to believe for him that a family member could be a friend, or even nice. I didn't know. This was becoming confusing, and it seemed he meant to confuse me even more with the next page.

So many times out here

I've watched a happy pair

Of lovers walking in the night

They had a kind of glow around them

It almost looked like heaven's light

I knew I'd never know

That warm and loving glow

Though I might wish with all my might

No face as hideous as my face

Was ever meant for heaven's light

But suddenly an angel has smiled at me

And kissed my cheek without a trace of fright

I dare to dream that she

Might even care for me

And as I write these words tonight

My cold dark bedroom seems so bright

I swear it must be heaven's light.

I found myself smiling at the sweetness of the poem as i read it, but when i finished the smile dropped off as i tried to make sense of it. This wasn't Johanna. And it couldn't possibly be me. Could it?

But he didn't really know anyone else besides me and my friends, and surely he didn't know any of them well enough to write this about them. That just left me. Me! But it couldn't be, surely?

But it could. The two sides of me were getting ready to argue again, but only one thing needed to be said.

I had kissed him on the cheek.

Days ago, it felt like weeks, but days ago i had kissed him on the cheek on an impulse. Just to make him feel better. And now this poem. Was this what he had wanted me to see? But surely... Did that mean...

I stepped backwards and just about fell into the chair, mind racing. I had made a terrible mistake. Quasi hadn't wanted a pep talk, he was trying to confess his feelings! And I had told him to work through it and focus on other things- from his point of view, a rejection. I had to fix it.

I grabbed my laptop and bag, stuffed the journal in, and raced out the door, not bothering to lock it behind me. I could always come back later. Right now, in what seemed to be a regular thing, I had to find Quasi.

But where? Class was about to start again, and once I checked the unisex toilets where we had gone once before, i was stuck. The school was huge. There were probably numerous hiding spots that i didn't know about. I was desperate enough to check the boys bathroom, but after that, what?

Students were lining up to use the amenities, so I couldn't go in myself. Instead I asked a younger guy if he could go in and find out if Quasi was in there. He reported negative.

Great. What was i supposed to do now?

The bell rang then, adding insult to injury and reminding me of my mistake. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to evade my responsibilities like a boss. I wanted to drown my sorrows in cake and fanfiction. I wanted to cry.

Instead i obeyed the bell and went to class, bypassing the lockers and dumping everything at the foot of my desk. It occured to me then that Quasi may not have been hiding, but in class as usual. Like it made a difference. I still couldn't find him. I slumped over my desk and buried my face in my arms, not caring if anyone saw. Maybe i shouldn't even bother. Maybe we should pull out of the concert and have nothing more to do with each other. Anything would be easier than this. Its not really important, is it? I've survived a broken heart before, and i can do it again. Maybe i should just stop trying.

A light bump to my shoulder stirred me out of my deep melancholy, and i looked up to see Phoebus dropping a folder on the teacher's desk before walking past and dropping into the chair next to me. "What happened?"

I scowled at him. "You're not in this class."

"Really? I didn't realise."

"Go away."

"You're never upset in public. What happened?"

Whatever. It's not like there's any harm in telling him. "I did something stupid, and i don't know how to fix it."

Phoebus leaned towards me, blonde hair falling everywhere. "Tell me what it is and I'll tell you where he is."

I sat up a bit straighter, now paying attention. "You've seen him?"

"Yeah, like 5 minutes ago. The most miserable thing I've ever seen. What did you do to the poor dude?"

"Asks the guy who almost killed him a few months ago."

"It wasn't that bad!" he protested.

I looked around, seeing that the room was nearly full and the teacher would be arriving any second. "Fine, whatever. Basically, i rejected him cuz i thought he was saying something else, and now everything is ruined forever."

"I take it you didn't mean to reject him, then?"

I glanced at him, quirking one eyebrow. "I think you already knew that. It seems every single person in this school knew what was happening between us before we did."

He sighed, exasperated. "Go and find him, idiot. He's in the library."

"But what do i say?"

"Honestly, you girls are hopeless with this stuff. Say whatever you want. You love him, don't you?"

I just smiled like an idiot, which i guess he took as an answer.

"Then tell him. Simple as that."

I shook my head in mock wonder. "How did a heartbreaking jerk like you become so wise?"

He tapped his head. "It's just a gift of mine."

We both laughed and stood up as the kid who usually sat next to me came to reclame his seat, and I followed him out of the room and down the hallway, where we parted ways.

Sooo, whatcha think? Will Mich woman up and confront Quasi? What did the meddling Bex say to him? Will everything turn out alright?

Also, isn't 1989 the bestest?

Thanks for reading. Leave a review?

And look out for some warm fuzzies next chapter :D