Disclaimer: I don't own it. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to Legna989 for betaing and keeping the faith. And to her, ElleCC and RedVelvetHeaven for talking down many times and helping me through this chapter. I know, I'm so dramatic.

"I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown."

Revelations 3:11

Jasper Hale

I wasn't on St. Mary's property for more than four minutes when I ran into a girl by the name of Jenny or Jeannine or whatever, with whom I'd had the pleasure of acquainting myself a mere week or two after I arrived in Phoenix. We hadn't spoken since, but she recognized me right away and once I flipped through my mental Rolodex and came within the ballpark of her name, I nodded and smiled and quickly turned the corner toward the gymnasium. I made it down the hall and almost to the double-doors of the gym before I spotted another girl in her cap and gown, scowling at me and whispering to her friend, who then turned to look at me with a matching expression. I watched them for a moment before I remembered that she was Kate. Kate of the ASU homecoming party; she told me she was a freshman there, and I knew damn well she wasn't, but I was more than happy to go along with her story.

I sighed to myself as I passed her, ignoring the death glare and offering a weak smile instead. I hoped to God the ceremony wouldn't last long because this place was making my skin crawl. These girls, they felt like ghosts from the past. Like people from a lifetime ago. The realization that I felt that way was what freaked me out the most.

It was what Peter knew, what he understood, and what he was always fucking trying to get me to admit lately: that I was over it. Over them, but not her. Even Felix had joined in on the "reform Jasper" initiative.

But I refused, or at least refused to admit it out loud. Inside, though—inside there was really no way to deny or avoid it. I'd known for a while, really. I looked at these girls and I couldn't even feign interest for my own peace of mind. I couldn't even quite remember what I saw in them in the first place, and that was fucking weird and unsettling.

And then when I walked into the gym and I saw Bella, standing with Alice and Emmett at the opposite end, I almost wanted to slap my forehead and say, oh right, it's because she fucking ruined it all.

I stopped and stood there and watched her, as the grumbling Rev and my mother shuffled past me to head over to our seats. The sight of her incited the same cluster of shitty feelings it did at the fair, but this time I couldn't walk away; I couldn't look away until her eyes met mine. While I waited for her to graciously turn her attention to me, my eyes traveled down over her body. It was torture, for sure, but I couldn't resist; and as I took in her little purple plaid dress, and tall, black socks that came just over her knee, I think I actually winced.

Finally, the mental suggestion worked, and she looked away from Alice as Emmett moved in front of her, presumably toward wherever they were going to sit. When she saw me she froze for just a second, her brows furrowing slightly, before her features smoothed and then…and then her mouth turned up just a bit at the corners, into this little half-smile. For a moment before she turned to follow Emmett, her gaze didn't waver, and whatever clouded her eyes when she first looked at me had dissipated. As she and Alice followed Emmett, he turned back to say something and Bella's smile grew wider; it was obvious even from her profile.

She didn't look back, and I knew that because I watched her walk all the way over to where Edward's mother and father were sitting. Edward's mom patted a seat next to her and when Bella sat down, she wrapped an arm around her shoulder and tugged on a lock of Bella's hair. Edward's father, Carlisle, leaned over Esme to say something to Bella; she laughed, and then they all turned their attention back to the stage. Her leg bounced and I wanted to be next to her, to grab her knee and hold it still as I slipped my fingers just beneath the hem of those fucking deadly socks.

I continued to watch her as everyone around them settled into their seats, because I couldn't take my eyes off her, and because I wanted her to look at me again. I wanted her to look at me and I wanted to see something on her face other than that smile. That fucking smile.

That smile was the kind you give a passing acquaintance, someone that exists just on the perimeter of your life—someone who deserves little more than a basic acknowledgment.

I knew it well because it was the same smile I flashed both those girls outside.

My eyes traveled away from her for just a moment and landed on Alice, who was staring right at me. When I met her gaze she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. I ignored the protective Chihuahua thing she was trying to pull and nodded at her before taking one last glance at Bella and then turning to find my seat. This fucking thing could not end soon enough.

I nodded off while the valedictorian spoke, and then the actual ceremony moved pretty quickly. When Edward's name was called and he made his way onto the stage, I was tempted to boo him, but instead I kept my mouth shut and looked over at Bella. She grinned as she watched him walk up on stage and then leaned in to his mother and whispered something. Seeing her with his family was more upsetting than I'd expected. They seemed so comfortable. I tried to imagine her being that way with my parents but it was fucking impossible. My parents were lunatics.

When graduation was over, we filed out of the gym and waited out front for Rosalie. I had one family dinner to get through before I was free for the evening. I saw Rosalie and Emmett talking by the flagpole and vaguely wondered if Edward was nearby, and if those two could stand to be near each other yet. I looked around and caught sight of a pair of hands moving along purple plaid, bunching and releasing the fabric.

Edward was leaning down—his forehead pressed against Bella's, lips moving—and I smiled. The vision stirred up a kind of dull rage that felt good. I was grateful for the reminder, because things had cooled down lately and yet I didn't really feel any better; I just didn't really feel at all. This rage reminded me how I got here, and it felt good to care about something, even if it seemed like that something didn't care about me.

Or, at least it would appear she didn't. I watched his hands clutching her dress and moving up her back and reminded myself that I was the one who handed her over to him. I wondered how things would have gone if I'd let it all play out differently.

When he tilted his head to kiss her, I turned back to my parents.

"Rosalie's over there. Can we round her up and get a move on? I've got places to be."

My father's nostrils flared, but I turned to fetch my sister before he could chastise me.

Emmett stopped talking when I approached and I had no patience for the Cullens today, so I turned my back to him and addressed only Rosalie.

"C'mon, little sis. It's dinnertime, and you're on the clock." I gestured to my non-existent watch and she rolled her eyes but followed me, quickly saying goodbye to Emmett. I noticed that it was a platonic farewell, and I wondered if that was merely due to my presence.

She sighed as she shrugged out of her green gown. "Let's get this over with."

It was uncharacteristic for Rosalie to want to speed up any event that involved her being showered with praise and at the center of attention. I glanced sidelong at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Get this over with? You've been waiting for this awhile. It's a rite of passage and whatnot…. I can understand why I want to get this over with, but why are you so eager?"

She shrugged and I laughed. "This is probably your last day of glory for another four years. Rite of passage? Muster some excitement." I sang her a few bars of "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon." She scowled and shoved me.

We both looked ahead to see my father beaming at her—his reverence cheap and obvious.

"Look at him, he'll break down and weep if you don't let him sing your praises this evening in front of the Christian Coalition."

I was, of course, being sarcastic, but Rosalie just nodded, barely cracking a smile. Perhaps I should have questioned her mood—particularly given the occasion—but as the Reverend pulled her in for a hug, my mind wandered back to Bella and that disaffected, polite smile.

As we got ready to head to the car, I looked around for her, but she and her knee socks and her dweeb in a gown were gone. I felt inexplicably good. It couldn't figure out why, but for some reason, behind the Pavlovian response of feeling like shit when I saw her, there was this lingering feeling. It was light, buzzing, maybe even a little electric, and while I couldn't quite put my finger on it, I also didn't want to question it too much.

I should have gotten a gold star for how well behaved I was during dinner. I didn't even order a drink or make air quotes during grace whenever the Rev said "Lord" or "Jesus." I was so looking forward to going out, that I decided the safest way to preserve my pleasant mood was to just keep my head down and avoid fights.

Rosalie was surprisingly subdued, which helped keep me on track, and while my father didn't even notice that I wasn't making a concentrated effort to piss him off, he was so focused on bragging about Rosalie to whoever would listen that he was thankfully not focused on giving me shit.

We all made it through cake and coffee (and half a flask of Basil Hayden's for me) unscathed, and so I figured it was best to cut out immediately, before the Rev had time to digest, come off the high of his pride and joy graduating high school—as if it was some sort of special feat—and start thinking of things to bitch about.

"Well, I think I'd better hit the dusty trail. Thanks for the dinner, Rev. Congrats, Briar Rose."

"Can you give me a ride back to the house?" Rosalie piped up, much to the surprise of the table. "I'm going out, and I want to get changed first."

I looked to my father and waited for it. Slowly the corners of his mouth turned down as he watched Rosalie's face. "What exactly were you planning on doing, angel?"

"Victoria's having some people over; it's a graduation party."

"And who's going to drive you to Victoria's house? And will her parents be there?"

"Yeah, they'll be home and I was going to ride with Eli and Carmen and…" She trailed off, trying to make it seem intentional.

"And? And Emmett Cullen?" His eyebrows furrowed and I smirked. I pulled up a chair, wanting a good seat for the show.

"Yes, I think he'll be going too."

Now, I was good all night, but there is only so much a man can take. I mean, she was just dangling it out there. "Didn't he graduate a really long time ago?" I asked with a grin.

Rosalie glared at me. "Two years ago, yeah, but he's still friends with a lot of people. It won't be just seniors there. I mean after all, some of the seniors are dating juniors." The corners of her lips turned up as she turned back to the Rev. Touché.

"Now, Rosalie, I don't-"

"Daddy," she whined, cutting him off. "I just graduated!"

He pursed his lips but nodded. "Fine, then. But remember your curfew."

"Okay, but I can sleep at Victoria's too, if I want to, right?"

He nodded. "All right, but Sara-Jane, you call that girl's mama when we get home and make sure she's going to be around and that it's just the girls that'll be sleeping over." He flashed Rose a cautionary glance as he finished speaking.

My mother nodded vigorously and I chuckled to myself. Victoria's mother was one of those under-stimulated housewives of the Phoenix upper crust, but she was by no means a lady. That woman had a she-boner for all of Victoria's teenaged guy friends, and during that week and a half I was hanging around Victoria, I was fairly certain that if I'd requested a mother/daughter threesome, Mrs. Crazy Harry's Used Luxury Vehicles would have most definitely been game.

She liked to be the "cool mom," and therefore would most definitely tell my busy-body mother that there would be no drinking, constant supervision and lights out by twelve. Meanwhile, amongst the kids vomiting in the pool and banging in the basement, you'd probably find Mrs. Harris trying to get a piece of the action, or passed out in her room with a few bottles of Veuve on ice. I was almost tempted to crash the party myself.

When I snapped out of my reverie, smiling contentedly, Rosalie was glaring at me. "Ready to go?"

I hopped up from my chair, only mildly disappointed at the anti-climactic party discussion. "Yes, let's."

I saluted my father and gave my mom a kiss on the head.

"What the fuck is up with you?" Rosalie asked as we exited the club, just as I was posing the very same question to myself.

"Nothing. I'm just glad that whole thing is over. Not your graduation stuff, just, you know, the dinner shit. I think we acted positively adult-ish in there, don't you?"

She shrugged. "Shouldn't you be in a bad mood? Didn't it bother you to see Bella practically humping Edward in front of the school after graduation?"

Just when I had wondered what happened to good old Rosalie. "Did it bother you?" I deflected.

"Nope," she said, staring out the side window. "I'm over that. She can have him."

"Does you being over that have anything to do with getting under his brother?" I cringed as soon as the words left my mouth. I did not want to know about that shit. "Never mind."

"Not everyone is a slut like you, Jasper. Emmett and I are just friends." She was trying awfully hard to sound casual, but I didn't push too much because I really didn't want think about whom my sister was or wasn't doing. I never paid much attention to Edward until he started sniffing around Bella, and I intended to do the same with Emmett.

Still, I had some strange inclination to warn her that "just friends" probably didn't really exist with guys like Emmett. But this wasn't a fucking TV movie so I just said, "Well, let me know if Emmett doesn't have quite the same understanding of the situation."

She turned to me, eyes wide. "Oh, really? Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, but just be fucking gracious before I change my mind and drop you off on the side of the road."

That shut her up good, and after stopping to pick her up a sixer of Smirnoff Ice or some other kind of lemon girl shit, I dropped her at home and then headed over to James'. Once he was in the car we called Peter and told him to have beers ready inside of twenty minutes.

. . .

Six or seven beers later, my mind started to clear, and my mood started to make sense. That light, buzzy, good feeling? I was beginning to think that was resolve. That feeling you get when you've made a decision and the decision makes sense, and then you've resolved to follow through.

I didn't even know I had made a decision earlier in the day, but the beer helped me focus and realize that, hey, apparently I did. And when I realized what it was, I had to pat myself on the back, because it seemed like a pretty fucking logical one; although, I wondered what took me so long to make it.

"I changed my mind," I said to no one in particular, or maybe Peter. I registered Peter turning his head from the TV to look at me, but my eyes were focused on James, smoking and pacing on the small balcony, on the phone with, most likely, his keeper, Alice.

"Huh?" Peter asked. Before I could speak he held his finger up and then jumped off the couch. He returned from the kitchen a second later with two fresh beers. "Changed your mind?"

"Yeah. This whole Bella thing. I changed my mind."

"As in…"

"It was stupid. I mean, what the fuck am I doing now?" A weird smile spread across Peter's face. His expression was a mix of smugness and pride, like he was a fucking proud father or something, and I almost wanted to change my mind again, just to piss him off.

"Fucking finally. I'm kind of surprised that for a smart guy like you, it took you this long to figure it out."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess you can return that helmet you bought me for Christmas. Anyway, so she might be at this party my sister is going to, but I'm not sure since…my sister will be there. But I guess it doesn't matter, I probably shouldn't pull a Cullen and make a big public display."

Peter furrowed his brow and then pushed his glasses up his nose. "What exactly are you talking about?"

"Jesus Pete, keep up. I've changed my mind, I want her back, et cetera. I'd like to talk to her tonight, because, well, the sooner the better, obviously. She was wearing these knee sock or thigh-high type things at graduation today and I'm really looking forward to reconciling-"

"Hold up. You want to go find her and tell her you want her back because she looked good in a pair of thigh highs today?" He stopped and chuckled. "Wait, she was wearing thigh highs to a high school graduation? What is she an escort?" he teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Fuck Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you just like to fucking poo-poo every decision I make? And she's not a damn prostitute. They were like knee socks but they went over her knee, and they were fucking cute as hell. And it's not because of the goddamned socks anyway. I just…when I saw her, I didn't like the way she looked at me; she looked like it didn't bother her to see me, and that fucking bothered me. But then I felt really good, totally out of nowhere. And I didn't really get it but I realized like, five minutes ago that it's because I want her back, and I don't care that I want her back. I'm fine with it. I want her and I'll even call her my girlfriend or whatever. I mean what does it matter, she's the only girl I want right now anyway, so what the fuck was I so afraid of?"

Peter took a deep breath and then leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. I didn't like the look on his face and I was tempted to just leave now so I didn't have to listen to some fucking 'I told you so' lecture.

"I think this is a bad fucking idea, Jasper."

"Why? Didn't you fucking chastise me forever for cutting her loose? Didn't you tell me I should man up and just admit that I wanted her to be my girlfriend? Isn't that exactly what I'm fucking doing?"

"Yeah, but I told you that before. Now…she's with that other kid right?"

"Right. I fucking handed her over to him. I can take her back if I want to." I regretted the words as soon as they made their way out of my mouth. I sounded like a spoiled two-year old, and I knew Pete was going to call me on it.

"You know it doesn't work that way, right?" His tone was fucking patronizing, as expected.

"Listen, oh wise one, I know how it fucking works. I want her back, and I'm going to tell her that, and I'm going to apologize and then she can make a damn decision."

"Um…I need to discourage you from doing that."

I leaned back in my chair and blew out a long, exasperated breath. "And why would you do a thing like that, when you encouraged me not so fucking long ago?"

"Because you need to give the girl a break. She's with someone else now, and while I really do wish you'd had this epiphany a little earlier, it's not fair for you to go back to her now and ask her to choose. And I'd be pretty damn surprised if she chose you anyway, if she's happy with this guy."

"Well, she was fucking happy with me before."

"Yeah. Was. Before."

"Christ Peter you're a fucking buzzkill, you know that? I mean this was like…what you've been waiting for, what you've been bitching about. I'm putting myself out there or some shit—I mean, she can say no, but I have to at least try."

"No, I really don't think you do. I mean, you can do what you want—I'm just trying to be the voice of reason here. All you're going to do is make her feel conflicted and confused. You'll be around, you can keep tabs on her and if she and this Edward kid break up, then go for it. But fuck, you can't just decide you want her back and go and fuck things up with the relationship she's in now. It's wrong, Jasper, especially since you don't even really know why you want her back in the first place."

"I know why I want her back, dickhead, I just don't want to discuss it with you like a bunch of chicks. And if I know why I want her back, it doesn't really matter if you do."

"Fine. It doesn't really change things. I just feel bad for the girl; I think you should just let her be, and take this as a lesson learned. You hold back out of fear, and shit like this happens. I'm not trying to be a dick, Jasper; I just don't want to see this backfire on you."

I leaned forward and dropped my head down toward my lap. I put my beer on the table and then ran my fingers over my scalp, trying to come up with a valid argument. I couldn't find one, and I could feel myself starting to get pissed off. The only way my plan made sense was if Bella wasn't happy with Edward. I told myself that if there was a possibility of that, it was worth the risk—but I just saw them today, and it really didn't look like the case.

We sat in silence for a while until James came back in the room.

"Damn, who died?"

"Let's go out," I said, ignoring James and sitting up again.

"Go out? Really? Where?" Peter asked.

"Well, I don't really fucking care. If I'm going to officially step aside, yet again, I suppose I need to move on, if you know what I'm saying."

"What are you talking about?" James asked, picking up his beer, which was probably warm, and finishing it off.

"I'm talking about fucking, James. I need to get laid."

Peter dropped his beer on the table somewhat forcefully. "Shit, Jasper, don't you know how to deal with anything? It was fucking advice, I wasn't suggesting you regress."

"So, what are you suggesting? I become a fucking monk? If I'm not going to be with Bella, then I'm going to be with someone else—is that really so bizarre a concept?"

"No, of course not, your method has worked famously so far. Shall we drop you at Rogue, then? I know Maria's been such a comfort to you."

I rolled my eyes. "I think maybe you could use an evening with her, to be honest. What's it been five, six years? She might help coax that stick out of your ass."

"Thanks, I've got enough to deal with without the stress of an STD to add to it."

I opened my mouth to retort but James cut me off.

"Wait, Peter only wants you to have sex with Bella?" He was desperately trying to get himself informed.

"No, on the contrary, actually."

Peter turned to James. "He wanted to try and get back together with her—I told him it was a shitty idea, since she's in a relationship with someone else now."

"Fuck, how long was I on the phone? That would be awesome and shit, but dude, if you decide to do that, Alice is going to flip."

"Fuck Alice." I said, getting up. "Let's go."

"Hey, man," James protested, sounding more offended than pissed.

"Sorry, man, I'm just…I just want to fucking go out."

"Okay, where to?" he asked, bouncing back quickly. He walked to the front hall to check himself out in the mirror.

"We could walk to Jackson's or something, I guess," I suggested, draining the rest of my beer and then Peter's.

Peter stood up and grabbed my arm when I turned to head toward the door. "Listen, I wasn't trying to take the wind out of your sails or whatever the fuck… I just don't think it's a good idea, and I don't think going out and getting laid tonight is going to fix it, either."

"Yeah," I said, nodding, "I get it. Getting laid isn't going to fix it; it's just going to get me laid. Is that a crime?"

He shrugged. "No, I guess not."

"Then let's go."

. . .

Things not going according to plan seemed to be the theme of the day. Theoretically, I could have gotten laid. There were lots of chicks at the bar and statistically, it was pretty likely that there was at least one who would have gladly taken me home, but I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't even make decent conversation because all these chicks either bored me or pissed me off.

Near, or maybe after, last call, I surveyed the mass of empty glasses and bottles on the table in front of me, and my stomach lurched. I took a deep breath and looked around the bar. James was two tables down, talking to some guys, and Peter…Peter of all people, was standing by the hall leading to the bathrooms, leaning into a moderately attractive brunette. She was looking up at him with those big "do me now" eyes, and I was pretty sure that Peter probably wasn't picking up the signals. My stomach heaved again and I got up and stumbled over to him.

When I approached he turned to look at me. "Hey, what's up?"

"I think it's time to go," I slurred. I could have left on my own, but misery loves company, and considering his massive cockblock earlier this evening, I felt like paying it forward.

"Really?" he asked, his expression incredulous and pleading at the same time. "I mean…really?"

"Yeah, I'm wasted. Let's go." If he was smart he'd tell me to fuck off, or at the very least, tell me to wait a few minutes and then drag the chick to the bathroom for a quick bit of vertical love. Of course he wasn't smart, and if he was willing put up with my childish bullshit, I was just going to keep on dishing it. I was drunk, after all.

"All right, where's James?"

I nodded back toward the table without looking away. I was feeling a little dizzy, so I leaned against the wall next to Peter's new friend. When she looked up at me, I smiled a big dimply one. "Hey…" I said with a wink. She wasn't half bad.

"Okay, go get James, I'll meet you out front." Peter sounded a little frustrated and a little desperate.

"You get James," I replied, keeping my eyes on the girl in front of me.

"Jasper." Peter's voice was clipped and slowly my head turned away from the girl and back to him.

"Yeah, yeah." I begrudgingly pushed off the wall, deciding that I was too drunk to continue fucking with Peter. "It was a pleasure," I said to Peter's girl, with another wink. She just stared at me for a moment, like I was some kind of train wreck.

"Yeah, you too," she finally said as I backed away.

I stumbled past the table James was standing at and tugged his shirt as I went. "Jimmy!"

James appeared outside a moment after me and then a few minutes later, Peter came out.

"Christ, you're sloppy," he said, shaking his head and pulling his glasses off. "Do we need to get a cab?"

"Nah, let's walk it off. So, who was the lucky lady?"

"Just drop it."

"No, no, I'm serious, it's so rare to see you laying game at a bar. She must be special."

"Fuck off. She's a nice girl, she works at the coffee shop near my place—I've talked to her before."

"Figures. Listen, I'm gonna take a cab home. I'll come back for Pearl tomorrow," I said as I stepped up to the curb and extended my arm. I could see headlights ahead, but I wasn't sure if any of them were cabs.

Peter followed me. "Listen, J…"

I decided to just put him out of his misery. "Relax, Pete—it's fine. You know you're right… I just want to sleep in a bed and not on your couch."

He nodded, and it looked as though he wanted to add something but a cab pulled up, so instead he took a step back as I climbed in. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." I think I nodded, and waved goodbye to James.

I could admit that Peter was probably right. He had no reason to purposely sabotage me or my relationship with Bella… he was just better able to look at things from an outside perspective, and not from a totally selfish one, like mine. But even though I could admit that he was right, I couldn't stop myself from still wanting her, or at least wanting the opportunity to tell her how I felt.

But when you really want something, when you're convinced that you need to have it, and when you're focused on it nearly 24x7, a funny thing happens. It's like that Oprah shit—the Secret or whatever. When you really want something, the universe will bring it to you, even if it means fucking over a bunch of other people to do so. You don't realize the domino effect at the time, but while you're wishing for this or that, and the universe is conspiring to make it all fall in to place for you, it's also uprooting shit left and right, elsewhere.

All I needed was an excuse. Something that would give me a reason to go to her—a reason that would absolve me of any blame or at the very least, disguise my pathetic, selfish agenda.

Not much more than a month later, the universe gave me my excuse. I was granted my audience with Bella, and only at the expense of pretty much my entire fucking family.

Please come play on the Twi thread or in my cabin on A Different Forest. Links for both in my profile. Feel free to yell at me!

Happy Holidays!