Reluctant confessions
A/N:- Thank you for the reviews. In answer to Safira, I have a lot more I want to do on this one so don't worry about an abrupt ending. Anyways here you go. Enjoy.
Shizuo had never been more fearful in his life. Pulling away from Izaya the blond groaned rolling too close to the edge of the bed. Any further and he would hit the floor harming the baby and himself. Izaya knew. Everything was over. So why was he still in one piece? Why was his unborn child still safe?
"...when?" He asked quietly swallowing past the lump in his throat. "...when did you find out?" There was no longer a way to hide the truth. Shizuo gasped feeling his airwaves constructing. It was too hot. His throat was too dry. Pushing Izaya away his hands were pushed weakly to the side.
"I've known for a while." His lover murmured stroking his cheek. Shizuo stared up into steady Crimson rigid in fear. "I was waiting for you to tell me. Why didn't you tell me, Shizu-chan? Why didn't you say anything?"
Shizuo closed his eyes biting his lip. "..."
"Shizu-chan." Izaya coaxed placing a kiss against his eyelids.
"...you know why..." Shizuo croaked voice cracking. Already he could feel a wetness beading in the corner of his eyes. "...I-I couldn't do it."
"I know. I know. Open your eyes. Shizu-chan, look at me." Was this a new stage of anger? The flea was perfectly calm. Shizuo's breath hitched not knowing what to expect. His eyes remained closed wishing this was all a nightmare.
"..."
"Shizu-chan."
"...don't. Please don't hurt..." Shizuo coughed trailing off. He didn't even know if it was a girl or a boy yet. Why didn't he have his strength? Why didn't he have the power to push Izaya away?
"I won't. I'm not a monster, protozoan. Look at me." Slowly Shizuo opened his eyes more than a little doubtful. The movement allowed tears to run down the side of his face. "I made a mistake." Izaya soothed brushing his tears away. "I nearly made another one." The blond blinked not understanding what was happening. "I've known for two weeks, Shizu-chan. I've known since you had your first scan."
Shizuo felt his jaw drop in shock. His eyes never left his lover's form. It seemed he had been given space to breath, Izaya more interested in the bedside table. Coffee orbs widened on the small envelope immediately knowing what was inside. "...I..."
"Rio-chan pulled them from the bin at the hospital. I kept hold of them. You lied to me, Shizu-chan. You shouldn't have kept this from me." Izaya scolded taking the remaining copies from the envelope.
Slowly Shizuo sat up hands resting protectively on his belly. "You didn't care." The blond steeled himself. "There was nothing I could say that would change your mind." Strange how emotional he was yet still keeping his voice just above a whisper so as not to wake up their daughter.
"I know that. I rushed your decisio-"
"That implies I had a choice to start with, flea. You know I still remember that high school kid being dragged in by her parents. How were you any different than them?" Shizuo hissed defensively. "Do you think I liked lying to you? You idiot."
"Calm down, Shizu-chan. I'm not angry." Shizuo scoffed in disbelief. "Okay maybe a little. You lied to me. You put your life at risk and Emi's." Shizuo snatched his hand away when Izaya reached for him. "I'm not going to hurt you, protozoan. You've done that enough to yourself. Relax."
"So you can do what you want? I'll stay here." Shizuo shifted closer to the edge of the bed feet touching the floor. "If you knew why didn't you say anything?" The blond shuddered remembering all those nights he had fallen asleep beside his lover. All those times Izaya could have done something... "You had multiple chances to fix this..."
Izaya held his hands up in surrender backing away to the other end of the bed. "Yeah. I thought about it. I won't deny that. If it's to save your life then I would do anything. Shiki and Shinra changed my mind."
"...really?" Shizuo hadn't known what to expect when Izaya finally found out but this didn't go with any of the scenarios his mind had planned out.
"Really." Izaya sighed remaining neutral. Or at least that was what it looked like. How was he to know if the raven was genuine? There was two weeks unaccounted for. All that time for the flea to watch him, plotting his next move like the brilliant strategist Izaya was. "I can't really ignore the effort you've put into keeping that par- child safe. You've given up your sweets. Those bruises are from a cannula. Celty has been taking Shinra's medical supplies for you."
Everything. Shizuo realised in dulled resignation. Izaya didn't just know about the baby. He knew everything. "Such an elaborate plan to keep me fooled. The alcohol was the best. Using Kadota's problem as your own. That was a stroke of genius. I'm proud of you."
Shizuo felt sick. Izaya was praising him for being a manipulative liar. "...don't. I didn't have a choice." But he did. All along everything had been his choice.
"Everyone has a choice, Shizu-chan. It's okay I'm not mad at you. I should have seen it all along. I guess that was my fault for putting so much trust in you." Every word felt like a dagger to his chest. Izaya's breezy words hurting him. "That is what marriage is all about. Trust. I didn't think you were capable of something like this."
"I..." Shizuo hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry. I couldn't kill our child." The flea inched closer still outside touching distance. "I'm sorry."
"Ne, Shizu-chan. I've seen your blood results. The drip and everything else you are doing is working. Do you think you can go through the other two trimesters?" Shizuo blinked looking up at his lover. "Shiki was right." The raven sighed. "You are stronger now. Things are different. Do you believe you can get through this safely?"
What? Izaya had his hands clapped together sharp eyes fixed on him. "This is our child and Emi's little brother or sister. I will bring them into the world. Why are you asking?"
"It's too late. You've grown attached. If I try anything you'll stop me. I didn't want to see you get weaker and weaker. Last time..." The flea sucked in his breath shaking his head. "The last time I almost lost you. Do you see my dilemma, Shizu-chan? If I force you into having the abortion I lose you. If I let you go through the pregnancy...I could lose you."
"You're not losing anything. I know what to expect this time around. I will get through this. I'm stronger this time." Shizuo clenched his fist. At least mentally he was stronger.
"You threw away your diary." Izaya pointed out.
"I didn't need it any more. I'm not going to sit down and record my feelings on paper any more. I'm facing up to them instead."
"Yeah, I noticed. Don't change too much, Shizu-chan. You're still the protozoan I fell in love with. You'll have to explain to Emi that you're still pregnant. Be prepared for one of her temper tantrums."
"Yeah. I know. You- you're really not planning anything?" Shizuo clenched his hands together staring deeply into the raven's eyes.
"No. Not this time. You've already gone past the first trimester. What's two more? It's our child that you're carrying. It's getting late. We should get some sleep." Shizuo flinched still doubtful.
"Sorry. Tonight I'll sleep on the cuddle cou-"
"No." Izaya sighed. "As comfortable as it is the bed is better for your back. I'll sleep on the couch. Stress isn't good for you, remember? Good night, Shizu-chan." Shizuo watched as the raven left the bed giving him a wide berth. "I regretted it. I realised what I had done to our child and to you. I brushed it off since it was stupid to linger on past mistakes. Ne, Shizu-chan. Thank you for not going through with it. If you had I doubt we would still be here like this."
The door closed with a soft click. Shizuo slumped head in his hands. Were those really Izaya's true feelings? "Damn it." The blond hissed. "Isn't this what I wanted?" For the flea to be understanding and accepting of what he had done? Even if he had lied to everyone that cared about him. Opening his hand Shizuo stared at the grey shape. "I really am a disgusting monster."
Intentional or not Izaya's words had cut through him deepening his own wounds. The truth was out and with a doubtful acceptance as his response Shizuo was left reeling from the raven's surprise reaction as well as his own emotions coming to the forefront. With a groan the blond pulled his tired body along the bed putting most of his weight on his hands. Laying on top of the covers in the too warm room, Shizuo closed his eyes falling into a fitful sleep. His hand was outstretched resting across the other half of the bed where Izaya should be.
x-x-x
Shizuo groaned flinging a hand over his eyes. A shrill noise rang out unstoppable in its irritation. Cracking an eye open Shizuo glared at the device wide awake when he saw the caller ID. Izaya. It was Saturday why would the flea be calling him? Carefully sitting up the blond picked up his phone accepting the call. "Hello?"
Did I wake you? A light heart chuckled reached his ears. Shizuo felt a pang clutching his chest. I thought it would be better to call you rather than come in. I'm making breakfast. Do you want any?
Shizuo stared at the phone. "Yeah sure. Iza-"
Great. I'm making pancakes. I've let Emi sleep in since it's Saturday. I'll leave them on the table for you.
"Thanks. Izaya, I do trust you. I-"
Take your time. Oops I have to go. Shizuo groaned listening to the sudden beep the call ending. Laying against the pillows the blond rested a hand on his belly.
"Looks like you inherited my destructive abilities." The blond murmured to his growing belly. Izaya wasn't here with him. The raven was under the same roof yet he felt a world away. Izaya would leave him alone giving him space until he had proved himself. Shizuo pulled open the drawer taking a biscuit. Holding the plain digestive out the blond sighed taking the entire packet. There was no need to hide anything any more.
Pushing himself up from the bed Shizuo left the bedroom clutching his phone and biscuits. Izaya was in the kitchen standing solemnly at the stove. "Hey." Shizuo said quietly standing in the door way.
"Hey." Izaya smiled back. "How are you feeling? I might have overdone things last night." The raven smiled sheepishly. Shizuo sighed seeing the smile didn't reach those sharp eyes.
"I'm fine. It was your birthday. Today I need-"
"Shinra will be around in an hour. Don't worry Celty and the children are coming too." Shizuo flushed arms crossed averting his gaze.
"I wasn't worried." The blond grumbled.
"Liar." Izaya teased making both of them wince. "That was a joke. I-" Shizuo shrugged using the door frame as support.
"Doesn't matter. It's true. I lied to you. I lied to everyone." He didn't move as the raven stepped from the stove coming towards him. Why wasn't he hated? He deserved everything coming to him.
"It was for a good reason. I forgive you, Shizu-chan." Shizuo flinched breath hitching. "Maybe I'm not the one that needs to forgive you, hm?"
"...I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"Shh." Izaya placed a finger against his lips. " . You. This is nothing compared to what I almost had you do. It's you protozoan. You're the one that needs to forgive yourself. Why don't you have a bath or shower? I'll let you know when Shinra gets here." Izaya smoothed stroking his arms. "I have to redo breakfast. Hehe. Can't believe I burnt pancakes. Still you have these biscuits. Aren't they for your morning sickness?"
Shizuo nodded blankly leaving the kitchen. The two pets shot past him barrelling into the kitchen where their food would be waiting. Izaya forgave him. Izaya was okay with the pregnancy. So why did it make him feel so empty inside?
x-x-x
Shizuo stood in the shower water cascading over his body misting up the glass. It felt cold. It was hail against his skin. Arms wrapped around himself Shizuo shivered unable to get warm. Reaching out he turned the nozzle one more notch into the red.
It felt better somewhat. It was still cold but the glass had become white blocking out his sight into the rest of the bathroom. His feet which for now he could still see was becoming a strange shade of grey. Squeezing the blue scrunchie in his hand, Shizuo scrubbed at his skin trying to get the mass of grey to go away. If anything it was getting darker and beginning to hurt.
A knock on the door made him jump like a bad actor in a horror movie. Hand pressed against the glass he tried to make out who was outside. Not outside the bathroom. Outside his shower cubicle. "Shizu-chan. Can you turn off the shower? I can't see my hand in front of my face." Izaya. Izaya was outside and he was inside naked and defenceless.
"No no no" The flea had already said everything was okay. There was no need to fear Izaya. Everything was forgiven. slowly Shizuo pushed gently against the glass standing up. Turning the switch the water stopped leaving him shivering again, droplets beading down his skin.
"Shizu-chan?" Taking a deep breath Shizuo opened the glass door peering out though the steam. Gleaming Crimson looked back at him. "Shinra is here." Taking the offered towel Shizuo jumped seeing the look on his lover's face. "What did you do? Stay there." Izaya snapped storming from the bathroom. Shizuo blinked in confusion wrapping the towel around his waist. His arm hit the glass door making him hiss.
The blond had no idea why Izaya had looked in such a bad mood. It was cold. He needed to get dressed. With a half hearted shrug Shizuo left the bathroom in search of some clothes.
"Oh!" A sharp gasp spun him around seeing Shinra standing at the threshold next to Izaya. From the bathroom he could hear running water filling the bath. "Lukewarm, Izaya."
"I know." Came the call back. "Get the protozoan back in here." Shinra stepped towards him. Shizuo took a step back not trusting the illegal doctor.
"Shizuo. We need to cool your body." Shizuo took another step back. "You had the water too hot. You've burnt yourself." Looking down the blond stared at his grey skin seeing nothing. "If we don't get you into the water your skin will start to blister."
"Shizu-chan. Come on." Izaya was back walking towards him. "You can't see it yourself. Trust me. I'm not going to hurt you." Shizuo shivered wincing as he squeezed his fist. Reaching out his outstretched hand gently took Izaya's allowing the raven to guide him back into the bathroom. "Into the bath." The water was still running not even half full yet.
"It's freezing!" Shizuo complained feet in first.
"It's lukewarm. Lay down. Gently. There we go." Izaya soothed helping him in. Shizuo groaned in pain wondering why he hurt so badly. What was it Shinra had said? He had burnt himself? "Lay all the way back. You need to submerge yourself." The blond did as he was told wondering how badly he had hurt himself. Judging by the look on both Izaya and Shinra's faces, it was pretty bad. "Why isn't this filling up fast enough?" The flea cursed fiddling with the tap. "Shinra! Buckets!"
x-x-x
Half an hour later Shizuo was laying on a mattress covered in cling film. His body was sore to touch. The bedroom door was closed. Behind it he could hear small thuds. "What's wrong with mama?" Emi was awake and knew something was wrong. Celty was there she would soothe his daughter. A faint blush dusted his cheeks the blanket resting lightly over his belly and falling between his legs. He wasn't allowed an inch of clothing on.
Shizuo grimaced averting his gaze. "Oh come on. It's nothing I haven't seen before." Shinra smiled affixing the bottle to the metal pole that now sat next to the bed. The bedside table had been moved away.
"Not the point." Shizuo muttered. "You're my best friend's husband. What are you even doing here?" It hurt to move.
"You're lucky I am. Izaya you owe me for the cling film." Shinra complained. "The lady that served me gave me strange looks." Laying next to him Izaya sighed.
"Shut up, Shinra. Just do what I asked you to. Shizu-chan, try not to move too much." Like he could. "Looks like a shower was a bad idea. Look at you all red and burnt. Your shoulders and arms got the brunt of it."
Are they? Shizuo almost asked. But that would give away the fact that he could no longer see himself. The pain was setting in now hot and stinging. "You're glad Izaya came and got you when he did." Shizuo sighed squeezing the blanket.
"Shinra. If you're done. Wait outside." Shizuo flinched seeing a cannula attached to the back of his hand.
"I'm done." Shinra simply said leaving the room. Shizuo caught a small slither through the crack before the door closed again. With a sigh the blond glanced at the bag of clear fluid as well as a small bottle.
"It's for the pain." Izaya sighed next to him. "You were crouched down, right? That stopped your belly getting wet. Shizu-chan, the one that is taking this the hardest is you. Now look what you've done to yourself. Let's hope you don't get any blisters or irreparable damage."
"Yeah. That was stupid of me. Once a protozoan..." Shizuo grumbled.
"It's not your fault. I'd hug you but that would hurt you." The flea smiled stroking his hair. "Get some rest. I'll send Celty and Shinra home." Shizuo shook his head rolling gently on his side.
"Waiting is a bit pointless, isn't it? Let's get this over with." There was no doubt in his mind that Izaya wanted to scold him with the other culprit present.
"Do you really want Celty to see you like this?" Shizuo glanced down gulping.
"Fair point. You could cover me up. I'm wrapped in cling film. It's not like it will hurt me." The covers flopped down over him. "Thanks. Just so you know..."
"Hm?"
"I didn't do this on purpose."
"I know. You're grey." Shizuo nodded earning him a soft rap on the nose with the raven's knuckles. "So, from now on any baths will be run by me and I will join you in any showers. That way this won't happen again."
"I don't have a choice do I?" The blond muttered not minding the idea. It was more time for them to spent together and there was no way for him to get the temperature right. This was what he got for lying about being burnt the first time. "Izaya, don't let Emi in here."
"She'll worry." The flea pointed out. "She watched Celty and Shinra bring buckets of water into the bathroom.
"I know. I want to explain to her without this crap attached to me. There's no way you're going to take this off is there?" Shizuo sighed grumbling at the second skin. From the bottom of his neck, over his shoulders and arms. The front of his chest and the rest of him just to cover his back. His genitals had gotten away unscathed, the sides of his legs weren't so lucky.
Like Shizuo knew he would, Izaya rejected his request. "No. My job is to keep you healthy and out of trouble. I've been doing a crappy job at it. Heh. I'll make up some excuse. When you're better you can tell Emi how you want. I'll keep Shinra's mouth shut."
"Thanks. This fucking hurts."
"Language. The pain should dull soon."
x-x-x
Are you okay? Celty sat on the bed holding his hand in comfort. She looked as confused as he felt. Shinra stood at the end of the bed glaring at their joined hands. Izaya was the last in closing the door before joining Shinra.
"Kenta is sleeping in Emi's bed. The girls are playing in Emi's room. I think it's time we had a talk." Shizuo squeezed Celty's fingers in reassurance. "Both of you have been going behind our backs. Shizu-chan, you lied to me and put your health at risk. Not to mention the waste of money spent on hotel rooms."
Izaya stopped Shinra continued. "Celty my beloved you lied to me about where you were going and you stole my medical supplies. I asked you what you were doing and you lied to me." Celty looked horrified but didn't reach for her phone.
"Celty as much as I appreciate you helping Shizu-chan. You are not a nurse or a doctor. One mistake and Shizu-chan could have ended up in hospital."
"He's right. You haven't had any training. The fact that you kept it going this long is amazing. You got all that from me my beloved?" Shinra garbled inching past Izaya.
"Hey! No compliments." Izaya glared at the illegal doctor. "Don't forget you aren't supposed to be practising either." Shizuo let them glare at each other stroking the back of Celty's hand with his thumb. Her phone sat on the bed idle. "Ah, Celty. I want that photo you took."
Shizuo scowled knowing exactly which one. Glancing at Celty his friend shook her head. It wasn't her. That left Shinra. "Hard to believe that's you." Shinra commented.
"I want to see it." Izaya rested his hands on the bottom of the bed leaning forward. "Everything you use to stop morning sickness and to keep yourself from passing out." It looked like Celty had already been given the order. Kenta's changing bag was lifted onto the bed again half full with diapers and other things.
Shinra gasped realising how he had been fooled. Izaya he could see was mentally recording what to use. From now on instead of Celty it looked like Izaya would be helping. "Celty. I imagine Shizu-chan didn't tell you the next part of his plan. Today he was planning on going to Kasuka. Only because your husband couldn't keep his mouth shut."
"You're the asshole that continued to let my Celty be taken away. It's all out in the open now. I assume you don't need my beloved's help?" Shizuo felt Celty's nails dig into his palm.
"This is what is going to happen. Shizu-chan will be continuing his pregnancy. Celty, I need you to take Emi to school and back. Shinra, I need you to keep an eye on Shizu-chan's health. Shizu-chan, you are going to stay in bed like you are. Shi-chan will be with you so you don't get lonely. Until Shiki or I say otherwise you can continue to work at Artic."
"That's fair." Shinra mused with a gleam in his eye. Shizuo resigned himself to having tests every morning.
Whatever Shizuo needs. Celty finally typed.
"Good. Emi doesn't know yet so don't make it so obvious. Shizu-chan, after you tell Emi we'll tell our families. You don't have to tell your mother if you don't want to. Any questions?" Shizuo shook his head glad that he wasn't being pulled away from Artic. It was the last place he had any freedom.
Celty stared at him in question. To her this was too good to be true as well. Are you going to keep Shizuo under house arrest? His friend held her phone up so everyone could see.
"No. Shizu-chan can go out in the garden if he needs fresh air. The problem is that Namie-san and Seiji-kun are still unaccounted for. As long as someone accompanies you, you can go where you want, Shizu-chan. Is that acceptable?"
"...yeah. It's fine. Celty, don't worry." Shizuo attempted to reach over flinching back in pain. "Fuck. I don't think whatever you've given me is working." Shinra was back by his bedside checking everything was connected properly.
"It takes time." The illegal doctor answered satisfied everything was working. "I wanted to take your blood pressure. That's not possible today. For now my job is done. Time to go home, my beloved."
Will you be okay? This seems a little too easy.
"It's fine. Go home." Shizuo whispered so only his friend could hear. "Go and make sure your marriage hasn't been affected." With minimal movement Shizuo waved his friends away. "Izaya, I'm sleepy."
"Yeah. Get some sleep."
"Make sure you feed the pets. Don't forget to let Shi-chan out."
"I won't." Shizuo nodded eyelids drooping. Forcing them open he could see Izaya standing over him.
"...hurts."
"It will get better." Izaya soothed kissing him once on the lips. "You don't have to pretend any more. I'll take care of everything." Shizuo smiled head lolling to the side. "From now on things will get easier. No more stress and no more hating yourself, okay?" Shizuo was already too far gone to answer.
x-x-x
Shizuo said nothing glancing at the time. It wasn't a case of telling Shiki he wasn't going to work. The evening had already passed. It was nine o'clock in the morning. Sunday. He had been asleep through most of yesterday. Instead of the clear cling film, wrapped around his arms were white bandages. When had that changed?
Dozing next to him was Izaya curled up on his side. "Izaya?" He didn't feel sore. Still naked though except for the Egyptian mummy look. Shizuo threw back the covers glaring at the tube connected to the back of his hand. Grabbing the pole, Shizuo was glad to see it was on wheels.
"Ah. You're awake." The raven covered a yawn. "Emi is with Kyouko and the twins. I changed your dressing. How do you feel?"
"I'm dying for a piss." Slowly standing Shizuo pushed the pole past the bed feeling Izaya watching him. "What?"
"I was just thinking you're used to this." Shizuo flushed looking away.
"Yeah."
x-x-x
"How bad is it?" Shizuo asked tired from seeing the bandages. He still didn't feel warm.
"Better than I expected. By the looks of things only your shoulders and upper back have blistered. Shinra drained the fluid out this morning when he changed your drip. He reckons you should be healed up in about a week. I told Emi you burnt yourself again and that you didn't want her to see you like this."
Shizuo nodded. "Was she upset?"
"Yeah. She kept trying to sneak in whilst I was taking care of the pets."
"Oh." Maybe he should have told her yesterday after all. "Izaya. I'm sorry I lied to you."
"Shizu-chan. We're past this. Let's concentrate on the baby now. If you're distressed the baby will be too. Do you think we should get an extension on the house? If it's a girl then she'd share Emi's room. We could fit another bed in there."
"I was thinking your office. Well we still have time to think. The baby will be in here for a while." Shizuo glanced at the side of the bed where the cot would go.
"There goes our sex life." Izaya muttered. "Are you hungry? I'll make us some breakfast." Shizuo gingerly touched the bandages on his arm. It felt tender but didn't hurt.
"I'll help. I can wear clothes now, right?" Izaya nodded with a smile.
"Something loose and light. Shinra said to stay out of sunlight for now."
Shizuo shook his head getting back up. His muscles felt sluggish. "What does he think I am, a vampire? Not much sun now anyway. It's cold."
"Well you are naked." Izaya pointed out needlessly. "I'd offer to warm you up but there's not much of you I can touch right now" The blond smiled watching Izaya rummage through his clothes. "Here catch. Looks like I need to start ordering you bigger sizes.
Shizuo caught his boxers with ease when they landed on the connecting tube. Awkwardly getting dressed the blond left the bedroom topless in loose fitted shorts. Izaya was behind him watching his every move.
One down. Izaya had accepted the truth leaving Emi to tell. Shizuo sighed expecting to be told he was hated. Then there was his inlaws and his own family which he would listen to the flea's advice and tell them last. Glancing back he met the raven's gaze unable to dislodge the thought that something was wrong.
Next:- Rio's request (Izaya)