Chapter Track: Calling Me by Aquilo

Simply put, things are weird. Everything is weird. My parents are weird. They're being nice to me again because of Kenny kissing their ass and them thinking he's my boyfriend. It's weirder that I don't feel inclined to correct them. Kenny's weird, which isn't always bad but it's not always good either. Who takes the cake? And you may have guessed it, honestly. It's Craig. He's so solemn and to himself. I think it's best to just leave him alone but how long is this going to last? I don't want him to feel this way forever. What could I do? It's hard! Anything I say will just make him mad. I should just leave him alone.

Token and Clyde were gonna have a Christmas party but they canceled it. They gave such a bullshit excuse too. Something about Token's parents and Clyde has family coming. I know it had something to do with Craig. My theory is that he has to be with his family on Christmas which means he has to be there by Christmas eve so he wouldn't be able to go to the party which would make Clyde and Token enjoy it less… but that doesn't really make sense when I think about it. They could have just moved the party closer. Plus, Craig doesn't even like parties.

I step into Token's house without knocking.

Instead, Token said he just wanted us. He said we could make a fire, watch Christmas movies and eat food. That sounded nice and somehow more special than a party.

Wendy's weird. She came to my house the other day which kind of pissed me off because my mom answered the door and I don't like it when she opens the door for my friends but, then again, Wendy isn't really my friend. She was apologizing again but I just told her I knew she was sorry but what she did sucked and it didn't just affect me. She should be apologizing to Craig. She should beg for his forgiveness, even though she'd never get it. She might get mine but, I don't know, it's weird. Part of me feels like I should forgive Wendy but a bigger part of me just doesn't want to. And what's the point anyways? We were never actually friends.

I start the coffee machine. It gurgles to life and I wait for the 'Ready' screen.

Somehow, everything's weird. Nothing feels right anymore and I wish break would just be over so I could go back to school and have something to do. I need a routine and I need to feel normal again. I feel like break is never going to end. It feels like a sad Christmas this year. And the cold is really bothering my mood.

I grab a mug and make myself a cup of coffee. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want either, I think. Everything's happening too fast. Someone's gonna get hurt.

I sip my coffee way too quickly and burn the shit out of my mouth. I don't even care though. I get an ice cube to suck on. I'm stalling. I don't even know why I came here. I grab another mug and take the coffee out of the machine.

What if it's a bad day for Craig and we argue again? We argue so much. Craig doesn't know what he wants either and that's not a good combination. I place a teabag in the mug and press the button and wait for the color of the water to change to brown. I don't think I should have come. What if he didn't want me to?

I take both mugs and walk over to the stairs.

I hadn't heard a noise until I reached the bottom of the stairs. There was indistinct yelling coming from Token's room and I didn't know whether to run towards it or away but I don't really have a choice here. I carefully ascend the stairs with my mugs, focusing on not spilling anything.

I wait right outside the door and listen.

"Yeah because Craig gets to just do whatever the hell he wants!"

"Clyde, shut the fuck up."

"You do," Clyde says. "You treat everyone like shit so we can be unhappy like you."

"Or maybe I treat you like shit because you're a fucking dick!"

"This shits been going on for two goddamn months. How long can someone mope around."

"Because this is really helping," Token interjects.

"Everyone's so worried about Craig. How's Craig feeling today? I'm supposed to base what I say or do on whether or not it'll piss off Craig? I'm fucking sick of it, dude!"

"I'm so sorry, Clyde. If I bother you so much then why don't you just fucking leave?"

Clyde laughs, "Don't play the fucking victim."

I realize I have no free hands to open the door which makes me briefly think I should just leave instead, I mean this is my last chance. But I decided not to. Or at least, I didn't decided to before Craig swung open Token's door.

He stared at me for a moment before pushing past me and down the hall.

Now I'm staring at Clyde and Toke. They greet me only with their glances. Toke sighs and flops onto his bed and Clyde paces. I put the mugs down and don't know what to do with myself.

I should go after Craig.

But I don't know if I should.

I end up following after him but only because I thought why not and I'd rather be with him than Clyde and Token right now. I check the bathroom and he isn't there which is weird because I saw him go in there when he stormed past me. After checking the whole downstairs and the guest rooms I realize Craig must be hiding. After shooting him a text, checking outside, and the bathroom again, I realize he may be hiding from me too. I've never actually found Craig by myself. I only really know two of his hiding spots. Is he even still in the house?

I relay this information to Clyde and Token who are no help, let me tell you. Clyde says, "Good!" and Token gives me a half shrug. He tells me Craig always comes back and he somehow thinks I'm supposed to just be okay with that.

I keep looking for a while. I mean I don't have anything else to do. It's almost as if Craig isn't even in the house. He's not in any rooms or the basement or the bathrooms. I feel like I'm being tricked.

I find Craig after like, an hour because I was checking the guest room Craig and I stayed in for the third time and out of despair, toppled myself to the floor and just laid there. I listened to Clyde and Token talk. Clyde had said Craig was being a neurotic drama queen and Token said Clyde needs to cut Craig some slack.

I had heard a different sound. A weird one that almost sounded like someone walking on the ceiling. But knowing how impossible it'd be to get on the roof, I knew it must've been from the attic. I didn't even know Token had an attic.

I find the entrance by myself because I can guess Clyde and Token don't know about this hiding spot and I guess I don't want them to. I have to pull the stairs down from the ceiling. I've never seen one of these doors in real life before.

When I head up Craig says immediately, "Shut the door before they see you."

"How'd you know it was me?" I ask as I pull the door shut.

"Because they don't know how to find me. They don't try to," he says.

Token's attic is completely empty. There's a little circle window facing the lawn which somehow fills the room with enough light.

Craig is sitting under it with his legs crossed. "What the hell happened?"

"Clyde a fucking piece of shit. I hate him when he acts like this." Craig groans, grabbing the wall to stand.

"Let's go to my house."

Craig rolls his eyes, "What about your parents?"

I almost laugh. When have I ever cared about them? "They're working."

I see Craig wants to argue but he says, "Okay. Can you grab my stuff from Token's room? I don't want them to know I left."

"Yeah."

"I'm just gonna take his keys and we can drive there."

"Okay."

I head to Token's room and grab Craig's backpack. Clyde had asked me what I was doing and I told him I was bringing Craig his stuff. Clyde asked if I was leaving and I said no and I'd be right back. I was lying and I think they'll know after a few minutes. Whatever. I run down the stairs and out the front door. Craig's already pulled the car into the street so I rush through the snow with his bag and mine and get in the passenger before he drives off.

We don't really talk on the way to my house but it isn't weird. The only weird thing is that I don't think we're usually this quiet. When we get to my house we walk up to the door and I push it open. I don't know how my parents are able to leave without locking it. It gives me anxiety.

I almost ask Craig if he wants some tea but I'm a little ticked off about the tea and coffee I wasted at Token's so I don't. If he asks me, I will make him tea. We take our coats and shoes off.

I start the coffee machine. Craig sits on the couch and turns on the TV. Everything is so weird. I wanna just ask him, Are we okay? But I don't know if that will make him mad or not. I make my coffee and Craig watches the news for a while.

I don't know how to bring up Clyde and Token and I don't know how to bring up his parents. I know he doesn't want to talk about it but, I know he should. He looks so comfortable right now though, just sitting on the couch. I mean, I can't see his face but he looks relaxed. I don't want to overwhelm him. He's probably already stressed out. Shouldn't I be the one person he can go to or be with without any of the bullshit? I could be.

We both know. We know our parents suck and we know some kids know now and we know Clyde's an asshole… We know this isn't gonna work out, but we're still pretending that it will so who cares anyways?

I pick my mug up without any cream or sugar and start drinking. It's foul. I offer Craig a sip when I sit down next to him, he takes it but makes a disgusted face afterwards. "How do you drink that shit?"

"I love it," I tell him. "I don't know how anyone could not like coffee."

Craig thinks. He says, "The only way I like coffee is with a lot of cream and sugar or like, when we kiss."

"When we kiss?"

"You always taste like coffee, but it isn't exactly like coffee, it's like watered down coffee and tongue."

"That's gross, Craig."

"It's your tongue."

We pick an old movie to watch because there's really nothing on and end up cuddling because it's fucking cold and I don't feel like making a fire because what if we fall asleep and the house burns down and we die?

Craig plays with my hand for a while and neither of us talk for the first half of the movie but I don't think either of us is really watching. "The weather sucks," I say. I say it only to see how Craig will respond.

He says, "Yeah, it's too fucking cold." And for some reason this makes me feel better. Maybe it's because I know now that he's not twisting around my fingers, thinking about how and when he'll break up with me and if he'll ever even talk to me again after he does.

"But Christmas is in a few days."

Craig shrugs, "Christmas is never really good for me."

"Me either," I admit. Christmas is usually family time and I don't really like mine. I'd rather spend my time off alone. I don't care much for gifts.

"How are your parents?" This might be the first time Craig's asking me that question.

I laugh, "They think I'm fucking Kenny so they've been amazing. I hate them," I add quickly.

Craig chuckles, "You've been hanging out a lot."

"Only when I'm not hanging out with you." This makes Craig quiet. "Not saying I would but Kenny is straight anyways."

"Kenny's a mess and a piece of shit."

"Are you suggesting Kenny would kiss me just to piss you off?"

"You make it sound crazy."

I laugh. "No, it just is crazy."

"Shut up."

"If Kenny ever saw a dick, he'd probably explode."

"Whatever," says Craig.

"What about you?"

"I've seen your dick."

"No, Craig. I meant your parents."

"My parents?" I nod. "Uh," he says. "I don't know. We don't really talk."

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah," he says. "I've decided I'm just gonna lie to them for the rest of my life."

"Craig, what the hell."

"They won't ever be okay with me being gay."

Craig just admitted to being gay and I don't even think he realized. It's just that's the first time he ever said it, which is notable because I can't really say he's gay unless he comes out- or at least respectfully so. And he specifically would not. It seemed like something he'd never do. I didn't even know if he was gay. Now a days there's all kinds of words for it: questioning, queer, pansexual, or whatever. "So why should I even tell them? It's just gonna stir up some shit. I'd rather just avoid it all."

"What about when they start asking to meet your girlfriends? You wouldn't marry some lady just to make them happy right?" This kinda translates to, 'you're not gonna just break up with me to make them happy right?'

Craig shakes his head. "I don't think they'll care but fuck that, I'll deal with that problem when I am get there."

"That kinda sucks."

"I keep trying to picture it," he says, staring at my palm he's holding. "Today, tomorrow, next month, next year, ten years from now and I can't see myself being okay with them knowing."

"Well, yeah, that's what you'll think until you can see yourself."

"Hm," he hums.

"The problem is you, man."

"What?"

"Yeah," I tell him. "Accept that you like dick. Once you do, tell a stranger. Be like, 'hey, I like dick. Boobs are nice but vaginas are sick.'" Craig laughs. "And then, tell a friend, then like, your sister or something... and then eventually, you'll be okay with telling everyone how gay you are. Don't even worry about it." He sighs. "I can tell you're still worrying." I'm not worrying because Craig is already on the way to doing what I just said. I can tell because he just said he was gay like nothing and didn't even notice.

I take my hand from him so I can wrap my arms around him instead. "Why don't you believe me?"

He shrugs, "I don't believe myself."

"You lack confidence."

"My parents make me self-conscious." I squeeze him tighter.

"Maybe one day they won't," I say. Craig just smiles and shakes his head and watch the rest of the movie. When it ends we shut off the TV and kiss for a while and it's nice. It's the least weird thing about the last few days. Craig leaves before my parents get home.