Chapter 23 You Don't Know Fear

4 months. It's been 4 months since Cameron had broken up with Chase. During those months she had gone to Chris's trial where he was sentenced to twenty years of prison and one year of house arrest. Even though they were broken up Chase had gone with her anyway and she was grateful. Seeing Chris again brought back so many memories and feelings she's been trying to suppress. The feelings of hate and fear along with the memories of the abuse and rape all overwhelmed her. If Chase hadn't been there then she would've had a nervous breakdown. Despite Alicia's attempts of getting them back together, they had come to an understanding. They were better as friends. They're friendship wasn't the same so they hardly talked to each other besides work related topics. They still loved each other but Cameron was too afraid and too stubborn to tell him. Chase on the other hand didn't know what to do. He loved her but she won't let him in. He figured he'll give her some time.

It was late at night and House and the team were all in the differential room trying to solve a case. They were all tired and frustrated so the tension in the room was high. "Come on people think! That's what I hired you for!" House yelled angrily for the lack of medical ideas. Her leg now out of the cast, Cameron got up and poured herself a fresh cup of coffee. She was glad she was here late. Lately all she did was work. She only went home long enough to shower and change. She couldn't stand being in an empty apartment where she was reminded of both Chris and Chase. She was tired and needed to sleep but she couldn't when her dreams were usually plagued by nightmares. She turned to House with the steaming mug in her hand.

"House we've gone through every possible diagnoses! Face it! The symptoms all lead to Addison's!" she exclaimed tiredly. House angrily turned to her.

"I told you it doesn't fit!" he yelled so loud as he banged his cane hard against the legs of the white board. Cameron jumped, dropping the coffee. Everything was black and white and she suddenly saw Chris.

He was yelling at her, his eyes and face contorted with rage. She watched in fear as he got close to her and the next thing she knew he put his hand on her cheek. She instantly pulled back in fear and smacked him hard across the face.

"Cameron!" She heard Chase's distant voice and suddenly Chris was gone with Chase standing in his place. He was looking at her in shock, his hand on his cheek and she realized what she had done. The room was quiet and she can feel House and Foreman's eyes on her. She looked at her shaking hand in shock.

"Oh god, Chase I didn't... I mean..." her voice was shaking too much to apologize. She couldn't believe she had hit him. I'm turning into Chris, she realized in fear.

"Cameron are you ok," Chase asked gently, putting his hand on her arm but fear took over and she quickly pulled away as she remembered Chris pulling her violently by that arm.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled, backing up into the counter until it was digging into her back. She didn't even notice the silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Cameron when was the last time you slept?" Chase asked, his face full of concern and heartbreak.

"I'm fine," she said moving away from them and grabbing her stuff. "I'm going home." No one stopped her as she rushed out.

"Dammit," House grumbled. "You two stay here and figure out a diagnoses. I'll be back." Chase, who was about to run after Cameron, looked at him angrily.

"She just had a flashback of Sullivan's abuse. I have to go after her."

"Why? She said she's fine, right?" he said sarcastically before limping out of the office.

"I'll be back. Call me if anything," Chase said to Foreman as he rushed after Cameron.

"Why isn't she in therapy!" House yelled at Cuddy as soon as he walked into her office.

"What are you talking about," she asked tiredly as she got ready to go home.

"I'm talking about Cameron having a panic attack when I yelled her and the rest of the team. Plus I practically have to force her to go home sometimes." Cuddy sighed in defeat.

"Don't you think I know that? She's been working overtime at the clinic as well."

"So you're her boss too! Make her go to therapy!"

"You and I both know we can't force her!" Cuddy exclaimed. "She has to go on her own terms. She's been through a lot and doesn't want to relive it. Give her time."

"It's been six months. She's had enough time."

An hour later Chase was walking into a bar, looking for Cameron. He took a breath of relief when he saw her at the bar. He was afraid that she was having a relapse and he looked everywhere that he could think of where she would be. He had even checked her apartment only to find it empty but now there she was, sitting at the bar, drowning herself with alcohol. He went up to her and noticed the half filled bottle of Chivas and an empty shot glass in her hand. Her eyes and face were red from so much crying but now her eyes just looked empty and her mind and body felt numb.

"What are you doing here? Come to see how I'm doing? What? You think poor little pathetic Cameron is too weak to take care of herself... to handle this? Get out Chase!" she yelled as he sat next to her. He watched her pour herself a shot before quickly downing it.

"You're drunk," he stated.

"So what," she murmured as she drank another shot. "I'm just perfect."

"You need help. You need to talk about what happened," he said sternly. Cameron finally looked at him, her eyes blazing with anger. He's never seen this side of her and he was worried.

"It hurts to talk, Chase. It hurts to breathe. You don't understand the pain and fear I feel every day. You don't understand how much it hurts to think about it. I don't want to remember everything I went through because it hurts. He said he loved me and I thought maybe, just maybe I should open myself up to him. I finally let my guard down and he took advantage. He hurt me Chase. I loved him and he broke my heart. I don't deserve to be happy. He's right, I deserved everything I got. I'm weak and pathetic."

"No! No you're not!" Chase exclaimed as she took another shot. "This is the alcohol talking. Not you."

"Shut up!" she snapped, slamming the glass down on the counter. "You don't know anything! To live in constant fear every damn day! To get raped repeatedly and not even remember it! You don't know what fear is!" Chase looked at her in shock as he realized what she meant. He remembered her nightmares and knew they were suppressed memories that where coming back to haunt her. Anger surged through him at the realization of Chris raping her every day.

"You're right. I don't know," his voice shook, trying to stay calm. "But it doesn't mean I'm going to let you drown yourself." She ignored him, downing another shot. She grimaced as the alcohol burned her throat. She was about to grab the bottle again but Chase stood up and grabbed it.

"That's it. You had enough." Cameron stood, anger blazing in her eyes. She swayed trying to keep her balance as the world before her spun.

"Give it to me!" she yelled, getting the whole bars attention.

"No," he said firmly. "Come on, I'm taking you home." If she wasn't so drunk she would have walked out but instead she grabbed her glass and threw it against the wall. It shattered and she broke down in tears.

"Hey get her out of here before I call the cops!" the bartender yelled, suddenly holding a bat. Ignoring him, Chase put down the bottle and placed a fifty dollar bill on the bar before taking her hand and pulling her outside.

Once they were in front of his car she angrily pushed him away. "Get away from me!" she cried but he stood his ground.

"Allison its ok," he said softly as he took her arms to keep her from running. She struggled to get away.

"Let me go!" she cried. "Please!" But Chase didn't let go. Instead he pulled her into a hug. Cameron fought at first but eventually gave in. Sobs of despair racked her body as he held her, comforting her.

"It doesn't matter if I understand or not," he whispered into her ear. "I'm not letting you go through this alone."

Cameron had passed out in the car so Chase carried her up to her apartment. He laid her on the bed and took off her heels and jacket. He rolled her onto her side and placed a wastebasket on the floor. After covering her with a blanket he knelt down besides her. He brushed the hair out of her face, waking her but she kept her eyes closed. "I miss you Robert," she suddenly murmured, her words slurring. He smiled sadly as he kissed her cheek.

"I never stopped missing you Allison," he whispered.

Chase was awakened by the sound of Cameron throwing up. He tiredly got up from the couch and hurried into the bedroom. She was keeling over the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. "Cameron," he said softly, going over to her. He sat next to her and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she cried as she vaguely remembered pieces from last night.

"It's ok," he said as she pulled away. "You were talking about it. That's good even if you were drunk and made a scene." He offered her a small smile, amusement gleaming in his eyes.

"How bad was I?" she asked with a grimace.

"Well let's just say that shots of Chivas while you're emotional do not mix well." She gave him an apologetic smile as she lied down, pulling him with her. They were quiet for a long time, each of them lost in their thoughts.

"I pushed you away because I was afraid to love you. I was scared you might turn out just like him." Her voice was small and shaky as she snuggled deep into his arms. She was afraid to see his expression.

"Allison," he said softly, lifting her chin so she would look at him.

"I promise I would never ever hurt you the way Sullivan hurt you. What he did was not love." A single tear rolled down her cheek and he brought up his hand and wiped it away. He lovingly caressed her cheek. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too Robert and you were right. I was in denial and I can't go through this alone. I need help." She broke down and Chase pulled her into his embrace. He didn't say a word as he held her, hearing nothing but her cries.