25.1 Alistair
Alistair stepped out of the Wonders of Thedas. He had done what little shopping he needed to do earlier. Now he had something else to look for. He had the address for his sister's house and knew that it was around here… somewhere. But it wasn't like the houses were marked all that clearly nor the names of the streets on signs or anything. He wandered around looking over each house and then just like that, there it was.
He had been thinking about this moment… wondering about it… hoping for it and here it was… right before him. She might be inside right now, just on the other side of the door. He wanted to knock, go in, but he was paralyzed. He didn't know what to expect, or what he was hoping to find.
No, that's not true. He hoped to find what he had been looking for his entire life… a home, some place that he belonged, someone to belong to. His whole life he had been on the outside of everything, unwanted and inconvenient, a cast off and an outcast, alone… always. At the castle, at the monastery, only with the Grey Wardens had he any sense of belonging, but even there he knew it was because of what he was, a warden. It was because he had survived and had earned the right to be there, but it wasn't because of who he was.
She may not even know he exists, that he ever existed. Would she be happy to see him, to find out about him? That seemed too much to ask, too much to hope for, but still he couldn't help but hope. He had missed the chance with his brother and now it was too late for them. He didn't want to miss this one.
He stepped up to the door, put his hand on the latch, but he couldn't do it… there was too much… too much riding on this… it was too important… he was too nervous. He didn't even know what to say to her, and what if she... He let go of the latch and backed away, turning quickly and walking away before anyone saw him. He would ask Kathryn to come back with him. She would come with him and then if… something… whatever happened… at least she would be there. She would come… he knew she would…
25.2 Kathryn
Kathryn, Leliana, Wynne and Zevran settled into one of the comfortable booths at the tavern, surrounded by the results of their shopping. Kathryn looked around but didn't see Roland or anyone matching the description of Bann Gilmore. Perhaps the bann had sent word or had arrived earlier and left a message for Roland to meet him someplace else. She wasn't concerned and figured he would return soon.
The waitress brought their drinks: Kathryn's Orlesian red wine, Leliana's white wine, Wynne's amber ale and Zevran's Antivan brandy.
"Has anyone seen Morrigan?" Kathryn asked after everyone had their drinks.
"She decided to return to camp after she was done shopping." Leliana said. "I do not think she wished to risk a repeat of this morning's reproof. She seems to be much more comfortable on the 'dishing it out' side than on the receiving end of such verbal assaults."
"That was most impressive by the way, well done indeed." Zevran said with approval.
"She deserved it." Leliana said with conviction.
"She just likes being difficult." Kathryn said feeling somewhat sorry for her in this moment. "It is her way. I do not think she means anything by it. Do remember she was raised in a swamp. She has not had much contact or dealings with people."
"And it shows." Leliana said without any such sympathy.
"Yes, it seems much sour grapes with her. She discounts and ridicules what she does not have, and cannot do. Make friends, be civil and enjoy the easy conversation of others." Wynne said.
"It is not very nice, and she must know this." Leliana said.
"True, but I think she just wishes a reaction and does not mean harm. She may grow out of it in time." Kathryn said hopeful.
"I was quite prickly in my younger days" Wynne said with a sad smile. "Perhaps she may mellow with age and maturity, but I hope for all our sakes she does soon."
"Ah, so you are like the fine wine, losing the raw edges with time." Leliana said raising her glass.
"Well, I guess there is some truth to that, but I do hate being compared to wine… or cheese. Especially cheese." Wynne said with a laugh.
"Oh, look what that woman is wearing!" Leliana said in whispered excitement. "I wonder if she is drunk or just has bad taste."
"Bad taste, most assuredly." Zevran answered. "Although her other attributes are nice. She no doubt looks better without clothing on."
"Given that outfit, she must." Leliana said and then after considering. "She is lovely otherwise."
Zevran's eyes got wide for a moment. "Well, if you are interested, one could make inquires on your behalf."
"No, I'm just looking… not buying right now, just looking." Leliana said.
"Speaking of buying," Kathryn said and began searching through her purchases. Then she handed a small bottle to Zevran. "Here, give you something to smell other than wet dog and you have no doubt noticed that with the dampness hair gets unmanageable."
"Oh yes." He said taking the bottle. "My hair has been a mess since arriving." He opened the bottle and took a sniff. "Yes, manly but soft. Marvelous!" He took a small drop and ran it through his hair. "Much better. I thank you."
Kathryn pulled out the woolen shawl and handed it to Wynne. "Here with the new robe it should keep you warm."
"Oh lovely!" Wynne said and wrapped it around her. "Thank you, my dear."
"I do wonder what other treasures you have procured." Zevran said peering into her bags.
"Cookies for Sten and incense. A scarf for Morrigan. A few books…" She said.
"Oh, what about?" Leliana said interested.
"Nothing!" Kathryn said too loudly and quickly. "Skill books, nothing interesting at all." The other three looked at each other curiously. She continued. "And then socks for Alistair."
"Yes, good." Wynne said. "He needs them. You would think that boy never washes."
Leliana and Kathryn looked at each other and then to Wynne. "Really? I never noticed anything like that." Kathryn said cautiously.
"How could you not?" Wynne asked.
"Well, I think my dear Wynne that the smell you speak of is less unpleasant to those who are not as advanced in… wisdom as you." Zevran said.
"What are you trying to say?" Wynne asked.
"Well, humans have distinctive scents, as most any dog would attest to. Men who are in or approaching their… prime have a certain smell, a musky scent, that is not so unpleasant to those of the opposite or even same sex who are of a certain age and interest..." Zevran said.
"So are you implying I am old?" Wynne said. Kathryn and Leliana smiled discretely.
"No, I would never… I simply said that you are past the age where someone of his age and maturity level is attractive to you. That is all. I would not at all imply that you are past the point of desiring male companionship. In fact, I have a friend back in Antiva who would be very excited to meet you. Salvail prefers women with experience and maturity. He says they have more substance, are more robust and flavorful. And though you may scoff now, I assure you, Salvail is a gentleman of means, and quite handsome…" Zevran said.
"I am going to drink my ale. Calmly and coolly. This is to save you the pain of having your brain forcible removed through your ears." Wynne replied.
"Tsk. This must be a Ferelden thing, I swear." Zevran said and sipped his brandy.
"How do you know about scents?" Leliana asked changing the subject.
"Oh, all Antivans know about such things. Antivans first developed the art of scents to intoxicate and attract, to influence mood and desire. The Crows use them… well, let us just say, in a professional capacity."
Kathryn looked up to see Roland walking towards them from the back of the tavern. "I was just coming to look for you all." He said.
"I didn't see you." Kathryn explained.
"We were in the back." He said. Kathryn looked and behind him was a older man. "Kathryn, may I present my father, Bann Gilmore. Father, this is the Lady Kathryn Cousland."
The man stepped forward with a slight limp and took Kathryn's hand. "It is good to see you again, though the last time you were still a child. May I say you have become a lovely woman."
"A pleasure, Bann Gilmore. I am glad to see that you are well." Kathryn said.
"Yes, a bit worse for wear but well." He said with a smile.
"Father, these are our other companions I spoke of: Senior Enchanter Wynne of the Ferelden Circle of Magi, Leliana a Lay Sister of the Lothering Chantry and… Zevran." Roland said.
"It is good to meet you all." Bann Gilmore said and turned back to Kathryn. "Please you must allow me to buy you all a good meal. The place I am staying in small and I do not wish to overtax the estate or impose on their gracious hospitality but I insist on being a good host."
"Thank you, Bann Gilmore. It is much appreciated." Kathryn said.
"Then it is settled. Come, I shall have them set up a table for us in the back." They gathered their bags. Kathryn allowed the rest to go before her and as she started to follow she saw Alistair walk into the tavern.
"You are just in time. Roland's father is about to buy us dinner… are you alright?" She said.
"Yes, no… I… found my sister's house." He said.
"That's wonderful! Was she home? Did you speak to her?" She asked.
"No… I don't know. I didn't… I… could you… would you come with me? I don't know what to expect and… I…" He said.
"Of course, I can come with you." She replied.
25.3 Kathryn
Kathryn had never been so angry during the entire course of her life.
It turned out that Alistair's sister was a money-grubbing shrew, bitter and spiteful, mean-spirited and selfish. Kathryn knew that in all likelihood she had had a hard life and that part of her own anger was the sorrow of losing her brother and the knowledge of what this had meant to Alistair. This had been his last chance for a family and it had all gone wrong.
Goldanna seemed determined to blame him for things that weren't his fault and use guilt and emotional abuse to try and get as much money as she could out of him. Kathryn had been generous with other people but she had a moral problem with rewarding selfish and hurtful behavior and she would be damned if that bitch got one copper of their money.
But what she was most angry about was that she had to save Alistair from her. He was so desperate for a family that he would try to buy love and acceptance. It infuriated her that he would allow that shrew to talk to him like that. He didn't deserve that. He would let her abuse him, because he just seemed to expect it. She could see that as disappointed as he was, part of him seemed to accept that he deserved to be hurt and rejected by all who should love and care for him.
Standing outside the house, she could see the devastation and the loneliness in him. He was heartbroken. She wanted more than anything to put her arms around him, to tell him that there were others who did care about him. There were those in camp… and there was her. She wanted to say that he did not need anyone like that. That in the short time they had known each other he had become more than a friend to her. That she… cared for him…as a… brother, as family. She wanted to pull him to her, put his head on her shoulder and tell him that he had a place with her and that he always would.
But she knew that she couldn't. That would comfort and console him, yes, but she understood that this was an opportunity for more. He was vulnerable and hurting. This had torn his heart open, exposing deep and old wounds, that now had a chance to heal. This is the point when people can change, when they are this open, when they are in this much pain. This is when they listen, when they have no choice not too. She had a chance to say things now that may affect him the rest of his life. She had the opportunity to show him things that at any other time he may not see or hear.
But she also knew that she risked a friendship that meant more to her than anything else. For if he didn't see it, if he took the pain and turned it towards her, took her words and held them against her, he may hate her for what she was about to do and she would lose him forever. She could just be safe, reassure, calm and soothe him, be there for him as he no doubt wanted and felt he needed at this moment. No one could fault her for that.
It was folly to risk their bond with a blight to fight, especially one they had to fight together and without assistance. But no, she couldn't do that. She had to do the right thing by him, even if he hated her for it, for it was the right thing to do. She would rather walk through fire than hurt him but wisdom only comes through suffering; change only with struggle; understanding with pain.
"I feel like a complete idiot." He said, stunned.
Her own heart was breaking for him. She had never felt worse in her life. She felt as though she was about to kick a lost puppy, and she was afraid… but courage is acting despite fear, and it was something she had never lacked.
She set her jaw and through clenched teeth said. "No you aren't a complete idiot, but you put too much faith in people, too much trust and expectation. There are good people in the world, true, but many if not most are selfish and determined to do for themselves no matter the cost to others."
"She is a money grubbing shrew. Her being your sister doesn't change that or make her a good person or worthy of your time and efforts. It is obvious that she was only interested in you for what she could get, for money and support and you would have given it to her, subjected yourself to her emotional abuse because you are so desperate for a family, and so willing to not only believe people good but that you deserve to be treated badly."
"If you had any self-respect at all, you would not allow yourself to be mistreated by others the way that you do. You would not allow her to talk to me like that. You cannot call yourself a man, if you are willing to sell your self-respect for the love and consideration of others who are not worthy of it, only a whore." She could see how her words affected him, hurt and stung him, but she could not go back now. She would see it through, and before she was done for good or ill she would see if this lost puppy had fangs.
"If you cannot stand up for yourself, if you cannot look out for yourself, exactly who do you think will? We must all look out for ourselves first, that is the way of the world. Even those who care, good people who would do anything for others, must consider themselves first. You are naïve to think otherwise. The world is not fair nor just and being good is not enough."
"You deserve better but you must be the one to ensure that, you cannot allow others to do it for you. I understand that you have always been told what to do, your decisions made for you, but at some point you must take responsibility for your own life. You must consider your own needs, and what you want. For even now, when you have the choice, you allow others to make decisions for you. You hide behind duty. Yes, I said hide, because it is easier. For then, you do not have to make decisions, or take a stand."
"You are a good person, intelligent, brave, with good judgment in all else. You have such strength but you are too afraid to use it. You are caring and kind, one of the best people I have ever known. You deserve respect and to be happy but those things are not given to you. You must demand and fight for them, show that you deserve them."
"If you wish to continue to be a coward, then so be it. But know that is your choice."
"Alright, enough." He said staring through her with eyes set and cold. She could see he was angry and deeply hurt by what she had said. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, not with you." He turned and walked away.
Kathryn waited till she was sure he was gone and then buried her face in her hands.
25.4 Alistair
Alistair turned and walked away. He didn't know where he was going and he didn't care, just away… away from her. He had too many thoughts flying through his head, too many emotions. He couldn't even sort through them. He was angry, furious, disappointed, frustrated, heart-broken and more angry, although not entirely sure at who or why.
By the time he calmed down enough to care where he was, he was at the docks. He watched the water and the dock workers for a long time. He saw the boats. He had the whimsical thought to leave, but that's a coward's way. She had said that, that he was a coward, that he choose to be one. It felt like a slap in the face or a punch to the gut, especially from her. He had never expected her to say things like that to him. It was worse than finding out about his sister. He had nearly expected that but not Kathryn… not for her to turn on him like that… especially then… especially after… that.
The dock workers were getting off work. He heard talk about getting a drink. Yes, he needed a drink. He watched where they went and followed them to a tavern along the dock called The Broken Sword. He stepped inside. It was nice, warm fires roaring, big and open, friendly place. You could smell food cooking and it smelled good. He looked around, there were all kinds of people there, elven dock workers, dwarven merchants, human mercenaries and soldiers, some well dressed, more less so. Voices in all kinds of accents flowed together, Orlesian, Antivan, Riviani.
There was a man behind the bar, older, tough looking but with a gregarious demeanor. He greeted nearly everyone by name or drink order. When he saw Alistair he gave a big smile, a big new customer smile, no doubt, but after the day Alistair had had, he could use it.
"Come in." He said to Alistair as he walked up to the bar. "I don't recognize you. First time here or is my memory getting bad?"
"No, I've never been here before." Alistair said.
"Ah, passing through?" He asked.
"Yes." Alistair said.
"Get a lot of those through here, travelers, merchants, mercs. Come make yourself at home. We have the best selection of imported wines and spirits and the finest Ferelden ales. My wife's the best cook this side of the Frostbacks. We have the latest rumors and the best gossip. Bard will be here soon. Front hall is warm and noisy. If you want privacy, there are the back booths. Everyone is welcome as long as they pay their tab and don't cause trouble. If you have a problem with anyone, leave. Lastly, the women who work here, cook, waitress and tend the bar, only. If you want company upstairs you get your own. So, what can I get you?" The man said.
"Brandy, Anitivan, cheap, but not really cheap." Alistair said.
"Yes, ser." The man said with a smile. Alistair took his drink and settled in one of the back booths by the fire.
Alistair had never felt worse. The first night at the monastery wasn't like this. Even when he was told he was being sent away, when he had been so hurt and angry, that he had thrown his amulet against the wall. He took it out from under his chest piece and looked at it, riddled with cracks. Then his Grey Warden amulet, connected with those two pieces were all the people he had ever cared about, who had ever cared about him and they had all betrayed or abandoned him, either willingly or no, but still, it was all he had left of them.
Somehow Kathryn was the worst, because she had been the one he hadn't expected. For her to say those things… kick him while he was down. He had thought she cared, that she was a friend, that was why he has asked her to come with him. Then when it all went wrong, she had gotten him out of there, sure but then to yell at him… say… those things… they hurt worse than… how could she? He had just lost his chance for a family… it was cruel and he never expected that from her… she… he didn't understand.
He didn't want to understand. He wanted to be angry and yell at her and forget that he had ever thought of her as a friend much less ever wanted anything else, but he couldn't. It hurt too much… more than he could ignore or block out. It was too much for him to just forget.
And it wasn't like she hadn't just risked her life to save him that day either. He had to reconcile that, had to make peace with it, somehow. She cared about him, he knew that, he knew it. If she hadn't and if he wasn't so sure of it, what she had said wouldn't hurt like it did. He knew her too. She was a good person, not one to just be mean for her own amusement, not like Morrigan. So why did she do it? Why say those things? Why make him feel like this?
He turned it over and over, staring into the fire, sipping his brandy and then the answer came to him in a voice he hadn't heard before. One that sounded like his but different somehow. Because she was right, it said. And maybe she said those things because he needed to hear them.
Goldanna was a money grubbing shrew who would have emotionally abused him to get whatever she could out of him, worked his desperate desire for a family to her own advantage and played him for everything she could. He didn't owe her anything. He could see that now, but then he would have agreed to help her, just for the chance at what she would never give him.
All his life, he had been told what to do, not ever had to or been allowed to make a decision for himself. He had never thought about what he wanted. It just never seemed to matter to anyone, not even to him. Others made all the decisions and he did what he was told.
What had Kathryn said to him…
If he had any self respect, he would not allow others to treat him as they do. If he cannot look out for himself, no one will. That he must take responsibility for his own life, and not allow others to make decisions for him. That he should consider his own needs and what he wanted. That he deserves to be happy, but he had to be the one to do it. That he has a choice to be a coward or not.
And she was right about all of it. Every word rang true to him now, in a way it never had before.
Maybe why he had asked her to go with him. He knew he was a coward and wanted her to look out for him. So that he did not have to make that decision, he could let her make it for him. Which is what happened. He knew Kathryn would not let anything bad to happen to him and she hadn't. He knew he didn't have the courage to take a stand and he let her do it for him. He had not seen it before and now with the truth before him he was completely ashamed of himself.
He didn't want to continue like this, not because of her, of what she wanted for him, but because that was what he wanted for himself. This was not the kind of man he wanted to be. He wanted to be man who could take stand for himself and others and for what he truly believed in. He wanted to be happy, and he never would be like this. He wanted to take charge of his life, take responsibility. He wanted to be someone he would respect.
Now, he understood that instead of comforting him, she had taken this opportunity to show him things, things about himself he needed to see, and that at any other time he wouldn't have seen, wouldn't have wanted to see.
She had done a hard and difficult thing, a courageous thing for him, in the hopes that he would learn from it and be better because of it. It occurred to him that he had found what he had been looking for… just not where he was looking for it.
Kathryn had not only risked her life for him and stood up for him to his sister, but made him face hard truths about himself, because she wanted him to be more than what he was, but what he could be. She wanted him to look out for himself, take a stand and be happy. That is better than family that only accept you unconditionally.
She was a true friend, more than he could have ever asked or hoped for, so much more than he ever expected. He knew that it would take courage to change, to take a stand, to be a better person and a better man. He had never had that before but now… he felt, he believed, that he could do it, because she believed he could.
25.5 Kathryn
Kathryn stared into the fire. They had enjoyed an excellent meal at the tavern. Roland was going to stay the night with his father, and the rest of them had returned to camp. But Alistair wasn't back yet. She had left word at the tavern but it had been hours and she was starting to worry. He could take care of himself, sure, but he had been upset and it wasn't like they didn't have enemies in the city.
She heard Drake give his happy bark and looked up in time to see Alistair enter the camp. He walked up to where she was sitting and sat down next to her. He didn't look angry, that was a good sign, she thought.
"You know, I've been thinking…" He said.
"About what?" She asked hopeful.
"Back when we left Goldanna's, you told me I needed to look out for myself more than I do, and I think you're right." Kathryn felt the metal bands that had been around her chest since that discussion finally loosen and she was able to breathe again.
Alistair continued. "I need to stop letting everyone else make my decisions for me. I need to take a stand and think about myself for a change, or I'm never going to be happy." She looked him in the eye. He had said this with surety and determination. She could see the change in him already, in his face and eyes. She liked it.
"It's about time I say." She said with conviction and warmth.
"Then from this point on, I'll be looking out for myself more. I should have done this a long time ago." He said firmly, resolute. He smiled at her. "I just wanted to thank you. You've been a great friend through all of this, a true friend, the one bright spot in everything that's happened."
"Well, we are in this together." She said with a warm and relieved smile.
"That we are." He said with a laugh. "I have your back; you know that, right?"
"Yes, I know. I know you do." She reached over and took his hand. He held hers in his. "Just as I have yours, in all things."