Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys?

Chapter Twenty-five: Psycho Killer

Angela stood in an offensive stance before us in the pouring rain. Bazooka perched on her shoulder, aimed at us point blank. Her van was parked behind her, blocking the road.

"GET OUT OF THE JEEP NOW!" She yelled in a loud, deep voice.

"Angela? What the fuck??" Edward asked. What the holy fuck was she doing?

"Have you lost your fucking mind??" Rose screeched at her.

Rose, Emmett, Alice and Jasper slid out of the jeep slowly, hands up. Edward got out before me and helped me down. When Angela saw me, a burning look of incredulity and hatred flashed on her face.

"YOU'RE NOT DEAD??? HE DIDN'T KILL YOU??? WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD???" She stamped her feet, screaming in a hideous sounding snarl.

Angela let out a feral yell, "AAAAHHH---- I can't fucking be-lieve this! Stupid stupid stupid dog! I'm going to kick his flea bitten ass and then I'm going to fuck the holy hell out of him and then I'm going to kick his ass some more and then I'm gonna..."

"Are you talking about Jacob Black?" Alice inquired.

"You mean my mate," Angela's face softened a bit and she relaxed her grip on the bazooka.

"You're WHAT??" I screamed.

"That's right, Bella, you ignorant slut, Jake and I imprinted. But the only way to break that stupid Tribal marriage contract is with your death. And after you're dead..." she laughed maniacally, scaring the crap out of us in it's twisted hystericality, "then, I am going to sell your songs to Van Helsing, and me being your manager..." another nauseating cackle, "...I would take all the royalties. Then Jakie and I will live happily ever after!!!"

I guess her mate never told her about the times he tried to "kill" me with his penis. And my instincts told me that this was not the time to tell her that Jake is not going to service her doggy style any time soon.

"Ok..the rest of you assholes get over to the side, it's her I want!" Angela spat out.

"NO!" My girls yelled and stood in front of me. The guys joined them and we all stood together, facing down the bazooka in the hands of Daffy Duck.

"Ok, it's your funeral...well if there's any pieces of you left to bury. HAHAHAHA!"

Then the two most beautiful words came floating through the air. It was Esme:

"G R E E N. . D A Y !!"

My truck was flying backwards down the dirt road , Esme at the grenade launcher.

Before a fly could fart, the guys picked us up and ran like the wind into the woods, the rain slapping our faces like a cop trying to force a confession. They kept running until we heard

B O O M !...B O O M!...B A H-B O O M!!!

The impact wave blew through the forest knocking us all to the ground. The sound of twisted metal and a rain of sparks and smoke fell on the road.

"Esme! Carlisle!" I screamed in horror. The six of us flew back the way we came.

Angela's van, now a burning, stinking pile of refuse, was on top of Emmett's Jeep which was now a molten pile of scrap metal. Angela, or what was left of her was looking more like primordial goo than human.

Back at the Cullen Mansion, Carlisle 'debriefed' me on the goings on at the rez, including the marriage pact that betrayer Charlie Swan was expecting me to adhere to. Edward held me on his lap as I recounted the horror show that was my life recently.

"I think the best thing to do is lay low for a while. I'll take off for a while, maybe head East." I said, looking out the window.

"Let's not do anything hasty, now. Let's take some quiet time to contemplate our options." Esme spoke tenderly, "We are a family, Bella. We do everything together for the good of all of us."

"Your going off half-cocked will not serve the purpose you think it will," Carlisle added with authority, "Esme is right. Let's take some time to consider all the angles. Is that okay with you Bella? Will you give us 24 hours at the most?"

"I don't think I have that much time, Carlisle. I think I need to act fast."

"I honestly don't think so. Clearly there is no doubt about the necessity for your actions. Matter of fact, I think I owe Charlie a good thrashing." Carlisle said with narrowed eyes.

"Well," Edward's voice sounded small, choked. He's such a titty baby...but as long as they're my tits I'm happy, "Let's at least get you upstairs and cleaned up. Not that you don't look spectacular in my shirt." He said as he nuzzled my neck.

"Ok." I kissed him on the check and inhaled his fragrance deeply into my soul.

Edward lead me into the bathroom and started the shower. He undressed himself slowly and then turned his attention to me. He moved his hands slowly up my body, lifting his shirt up up over my head.

When we reappeared all nice and clean, Esme had prepared a light dinner for the humans.

She and Carlisle retired to their bed chamber to clean up and make some phone calls. Except that it didn't sound like they were getting much work done. Rose and Emmett, Alice and Jasper were all nice and scrubbed and glowing. It's a house filled with horny sex fiends! How lucky could a girl be?

We sat around the new kitchen island and chairs. Rose got out the Absolute and 6 shot glasses. "We need to relax. Christ, it was a victory today. Tradition merits a good inebriation, yes?"

"True that. No need to get all serious and shit," Alice said. "We've been through worse. Although I think we can kiss our jobs good-bye."

"Ya, obliterating the boss's daughter is surely not going to earn us employee of the month." Edward laughed.

I raised a glass, "Here's to becoming a burden on society! What say ye?"

"Here here!" All answered and threw the shot back.

Jasper poured us another round. "Here's to sleeping late and getting laid!"

"Woo Hoo!" we raised our glasses and our voices.

"Let's play a game to loosen up, eh?" Emmett suggested.

"My Penis/My Vagina?" Jasper spoke with a cute grin on his face.

"Ok, you start us off, brother." Edward said to his blond sibling.

"Alrighty...My penis is adorable."

"My vagina is beautiful." Alice chimed in next.

"My penis is cocky." Emmett chuckled.

"My vagina is do-able" Rose giggled.

"My vagina is Edward's," That was me, of course.

"My penis is fucking amazing," Edward claimed proudly. To which I said "Here here!" and we all threw back a shot.

"Well we made it through the first round unscathed, so everybody: Down the hatch!" Jasper refilled and started us again, "Gee..Gee...My penis is good to go."

Alice..."My vagina is H...H...well it's not hairy...FUCK!"

"Chug chug chug!" We chanted and Alice took one for her and one for the team.

"Fuck that's good...HORNY!" Alice exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

"Horny...H...my vagina is horny...dammit!" We all cracked up.

Emmett's turn..."My penis is incredibly large." Edward and Jasper razzed him good, threatening to pull down their boxers to compare right there on the spot.

Rose...My vagina is M...frik..."

"Shot shot shot!" and two went down the lovely throat of Mrs. Emmett Cullen.

My turn..."My vagina is kissable!"

Edward..."My penis is lickable!"

Jasper..."My penis is manly!"

Alice..."My vagina is naughty."

Emmett.."My penis is obscure."

"FOUL!" I called it. "That's a three shot foul, Emmie."

"Three? Why three?" He asked as three shots of Vodka were put in front of him.

"One for you, one for the team and one as a lesson that intelligence is not welcome in a drinking game." I stated like I knew what the fuck I was talking about.

"Alright fair enough..that was an obscure reference to my diddle."

"Down it. Down it. Down it!" Emmett paid for his smart brain with 3 shots.

My cell phone rang, but after 6 or 7 shots... or more like 9 or 10, the closest I got to it, was to pick up a banana and slur "Hello?" to the absolute delight of all present.

After Edward picked himself up off the floor from laughing so hard, he handed it to me. The cell and my Bowie were the only things I picked up from Jake's dresser before he became a 4th of July attraction. Frik, it was Renee, the wife of the traitor Charlie Swan.

"Bella?" She whispered quickly.

"Ya Yo Yo Ma." I cracked myself up.

"Look, your Father (I think I heard her spit?) is in the other room talking with some of the Quileute Elders. I can't explain but you've got to get out Washington and I mean fast. I overheard them talking about some sort of Virgin Contract between your Dad (definitely a spit sound) and Jake Black. They are coming to get you. I was in the kitchen but they said that since Jake was no longer available then you and Billy...oh my God! I can't even say it."

"WHAT???? Mom-are you plastered??" My mouth was open in disgust. I sobered up fast, going over to the coffee maker and making some extra strong.

"NO! I haven't had a drink, but I was thinking about getting my nipples pierced."

"EW!!" Damn. I wish she'd have just slapped me.

"Anyways, Bella, I'm packed and heading to my Mom's. Then she and I are going to Vegas. I'll meet you outside of the Mansion in 10 minutes. I don't want you to hang out too long, but I want to see you before we split. Ok?" and then the phone went dead.

Edward was already filling in Esme and Carlisle on the upcoming horror show.

"Geez, the Blacks sure are a perverted lot, aren't they?" Esme remarked, "Well, why don't you get ready to meet your Mom...we'll be in here if you need us." She came over and gave me a hug, as did Carlisle. Then they took up positions in the living room, closing the drapes and peering out between the splits.

I drank three cups of strong ass coffee, puked in the sink and then had another cup. My girls were doing the same thing, drinking the badass coffee I made and puking in the sink. I had some cold water and readied myself to say good-bye to my Mom.

I heard a car drive up. Then another one. Fuck. Not good.

Stepping out of the first piece of shit car was Sam Uley, Seth Clearwater, Billy Black, and Old Queer. But the second car...oh my fucking Grapes...it was my Dad with his arm around Lauren Mallory. Jessica Stanley got out of the back sporting a faux hawk.

They formed a line about 20 feet in front of the porch and watched us intently as the six of us filed out and took similar positions opposite them. Calisle and Esme stayed in the house, ready in case we needed back-up.

"Bella, you're coming with us." Charlie called to me. Lauren was leaning her body into my Dad's side, her hand on his beer gut, her other hand doing I don't want to know what behind him. If I had something to barf, I would have spewed at the thought.

"She's not going anywhere, Swan, you miserable bastard." Edward yelled loud and clear.

"Shut up you stupid fuck monkey! I'm going to take pleasure in cutting your dick off and personally shoving it down Bella's throat," Lauren laughed, brandishing a deboning knife.

That was it..."NO ONE TALKS TO EDWARD LIKE THAT!" And like poetry in motion, my Bowie flew out of my hand and floated threw the air, landing square in Lauren's frontal lobe. She squeaked, fell back and expired. Charlie shocked into paralization, looked at her on the ground.

Billy, Old Queer, Sam, Seth and Jessica all lunged forward at the same time. And like a coordinated ballet, Edward, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie launched titanium point throwing darts, each landing point blank between their eyes. They fell like puppets whose strings had been cut.

Leaving Charlie in front of me. His face was purple with rage, the veins in his neck and forehead sticking out like wriggling earthworms under his skin. I quickly glanced at my Bowie stuck in Lauren's skull. Charlie caught the look. He stepped on Laurens' neck and wiggled the Bowie free. Turning to me, he pulled his arm back ready to throw. I gasped, seeing my family in slow motion springing into action to tackle me out of the way before my knife made contact. Charlie stopped suddenly, a surprise look on his face, fell forward, a large knife sticking out of the back of his head. Renee, still in her offensive stance, had nailed Charlie.

It was silent for a moment and then she and I screamed, flat out running to close the distance between us. We gripped each other in a tight embrace, tears falling from both of our faces onto each others shoulders.

Esme and Carlisle built a huge bonfire on the front lawn and started tossing odd pieces of furniture and the bodies in.

Mom was still planning to go to Vegas, but Carlisle and Esme talked her into waiting until morning. Then the three of them adjoined hand in hand to their bedroom to "discuss" some things. Geez..I took a nosedive into denial before I even let that sink into my brain.

Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett all went upstairs to their own rooms.

Edward and I sat curled up on the couch together and enjoyed the quiet for a while.

A/N: Sick, twisted...yes...I am all of this and more...and you love me for it! HAHA! Well, was this worth the death and/or dismemberment threats, the parade of fish laid at my door, the voodoo dolls? You betcha! Review and let me know! Were you surprised?? Can you guess what comes next? Love to hear from you! Until next time...

Love and Lemondrops for all you lovely Twilighters!!...BSL