I did it! I published a chapter relatively on time! I'm so proud!
I will say though, that this week has been hard for me with a pet death (my cat, Samous) in my family, so I'm... Well, I guess I just wanted y'all to know some more stuff about me.
Thanks for reading in advance!
After another moment of silence in which I stare at John, searching his eyes for an answer, he suddenly begins to approach me. Confused, I lean back very slightly. I'm more than a little bit scared.
"W-what?" I stutter out nervously.
He looks almost predatory, stalking over to me, his eyes burning into my own. I lean more and more back until I'm in danger of falling backwards, and even then, I try to lean more. Somehow still balancing, I start to shake a little bit as he gets closer, closer.
And then he's suddenly right in front of me, and he does the thing I least expected.
He kisses me.
A possesive, forceful, passionate kiss that makes me forget to breathe for a long moment, until I'm forced to break the kiss and take a needed breath, forgetting about my nose altogether.
As we stare into each other's eyes, his fiery, full of passion, and mine displaying who knows what, I hear someone clear their throat loudly.
"Well that's nice and all… but maybe save it for sometime when not every single person living in this dorm is watching?" I can tell it's Jefferson speaking from his voice, and from his general obnoxiousness.
I hear, my eyes unable to look away from John, someone, presumably Jefferson, being elbowed hard.
Whoever elbowed him says, "shut up," under their breath.
"Wh-" Jefferson starts, but another hard nudge shuts him up with a grunt.
The interruptions stopped, my brain focuses back onto John's beautiful face, taking in all his glorious details. He does the same.
We're finally forced to stop by all of Lafayette's moderately quiet (which well technically true, isn't really. Lafayette's moderately quiet is almost yelling) catcalls. We go back to our day like normal, although I spend much more time staring longingly at him and can only hope he's doing the same.
The next day, I talk to Laf and Herc, telling them about what happened with James and asking them to deal with me for a little bit longer while everything's still kind of confusing. They agree more readily than I expected. I can't stop myself from hugging them emotionally, murmuring thanks again and again.
"Hey, it's okay Alex. Sure, it's mostly your fault," Laf says, grinning, "but it might've been better of us to ask about how you were doing when you started to act strangely."
I smile again, so widely, and laugh as he winks. I hug them both tightly again, so thankful for the great friendship these people I've neglected so much have offered.
After the kiss, I assume that John and I are dating. I mean, we've both proclaimed our love already. I don't consider the possibility that we aren't until, a week later, when John and I are introducing ourselves to a random person at a party.
"Yeah, for sure. So I'm Alexander and this is my-"
"I'm John," he says, innocently, smiling. The beginnings of doubt start to blossom inside of me.
The rest of the party passes and nothing happens, but I notice that he never let's me introduce his as my boyfriend. That, added with the fact that we haven't kissed at all since the first day, makes me uncertain and scared about what our relationship really is at this point.
That night I have to ask him. I've been staying in his room (it really seems like we're dating) and at the moment, as we often do, we're laying next to each other, talking.
"Yeah, and I still think he should've just gone for it. If he had, he wouldn't have ended up with that terrible year. Sure, it's better now, but I think he should've."
"Yeah…" I start, dreading what I'm about to ask him. "Hey, John?"
"Hm?"
"Do you- Are we…"
He props himself up on his elbows and looks at me, sensing this is going to be important.
"What is it?"
"Are- are we dating? Because I-" I cut myself off, trying not to further embarrass myself.
"Alex," I hate the slight pity I hear in his voice, "I- I don't know if I can really do that… yet… I just- We could've been fine. We kissed, remember. After that, I'm sure we would have dated eventually. But then, with James, and it got kind of ridiculous. I don't know if I want to have to deal with something like that, in case it happens again. I was kind of thinking- which I should have told you a week ago if I'm completely honest- that maybe we could… Go back to being friends? For a little bit, at least, until I'm sure everything has calmed down and have sorted out my feelings some more? It's just…"
I'm silent for a moment before forcing out an, "Oh."
My possible relationship with James was ruined by John. Now my relationship with John had been ruined by James. It's like a love triangle, but sadder and more weighted against me. Really, though, my life has been ridiculously dramatic. I recognised that myself at one point. I can almost understand what John means. I think I could if how much I want to date him didn't trump everything else in my brain.
"Oh," I say again. "Well. I," I take a deep breath. "Okay. If that's what you want, okay."
He smiles in a relieved way.
"But," I start, "you should know, for the record, that I do still like you in a romantic way. And that won't stop being true anytime soon."
"Yeah, and that might be true for me too," he replies, "I'm just not sure quite yet. Hey, thanks for not pitching a fit. It's nice to have your opinions and wants respected."
"Yeah." As an afterthought, I add "You're welcome."
I smile at him, trying to hide the sadness seeping into my heart through the pinpricks created by his declaration.
"Well, do you wanna go downstairs and cheer on Laf and Herc?"
"Yes, please. I can't believe they're still not dating."
And then, when we arrive at the bottom of the stairs, I see something that lifts up my inwardly dreary mood. John hasn't noticed yet, so I elbow him softly and whisper, "look."
As his head turns, I see his eyes widen and his mouth curl into a disbelieving smile. He looks back at me, delightedly.
"Do you see what I see?" he whispers. "This is so cute. They better be dating, finally. I swear, if they aren't-" he shakes his head, still smiling.
On a long couch, Lafayette is curled up in Hercules arms, facing him. They're practically kissing. I bet they would be if they weren't asleep.
As we watch, Lafayette shifts, resting his forehead on Hercules'. Their noses are even touching.
"They are the most oblivious people, I swear," I say.
"Or maybe," he responds, "they've finally given into their feelings. Maybe we hoped hard enough that it became a reality."
"If so, we're the best. They don't deserve us."
"Well, you know, I already knew I was the best, but feel free to join me up here."
I chuckle, smiling sideways at his cheeky face. Laf and Herc's obvious love makes me a little bit sad for what I can't have, but my happiness for them outweighs it.
I nudge John again after a moment, framing them in a heart made of my fingers. He giggles and quickly does the same. We stand like that for a moment, our shoulders touching slightly, as I fall more in love with John. It's easier to forget about my love when I immerse myself in other people's, which is exactly what I decide to do.
That night, trying to be friendly with Jefferson as I have been, I ask him how he and James are doing, wondering what happened to the couple that accidentally ruined my life.
"Oh," he says, surprised I asked, "we're doing well. Do you mean, like… As a couple?" I nod. "Oh, yeah. We're doing well in that way too." A smile starts to sneak onto his face. "When I read your letter, I finally got up the nerve to tell him. I don't know why, but telling him has always intimidated me. Actually no, not for some reason, it was because he's the person most important to me, out of anyone, and I didn't want to potentially ruin our relationship. Although," he says, laughing weakly, "I did almost end up doing just that, apparently, just be being as close to normal as I could around him. Kind of funny.
"Anyways, I told him my feelings and it turned out he felt the same way!" He's absolutely beaming at this point. "I know you told me that he did, but I had a hard time believing it." I laugh at his surprise at something so obvious, and he smiles back at me. "After we'd established that we wanted to try dating, it was terrible. Or rather, I was terrible. He's perfect. I had no idea what to do, now that he wouldn't shy away from any teasing touches and small gestures. I don't have any experience dating people who really matter to me, so everything's been new. It's still pretty awkward but we got through the initial barrier so I think everything's gonna be good. Of course not quite smooth sailing, which isn't really what I want anyways, but good nonetheless."
I'm really happy for him, and if I feel a small sharp stab of loss, I ignore it.
"Aw, I'm so happy for you two."
Everyone else's romantic success continues to wear at me, while still offering some small reprieve from my own sad romantic life.
"That's great!"