First of all guys thank you so much again, and over the past few days something awesome happened : Sasha tweeted me ! Once on tuesday and twice yesterday …she totally rocked my world (I almost collapsed the first time)
Chapter 25:
Trouble in Paradise:
Jane and Maura were now living together. Jane was still worried about the fact that she Maura wasn't ready to get married. She felt like she had failed her somehow. Things have always been so natural with her, their first date or when they came out to her parents,the first time they made love, moving in together. They never really discussed any of this, things always seem to come together naturally.
Getting married was a really important step and Jane knew that Maura had her reasons not to be ready yet. Maybe she felt that Jane wasn't 100% invested in their relationship. Jane didn't know because she actually never asked her why she said she wasn't ready. Maura as always been so patient with her and never questioned her, she trusted her, she knew Jane wanted to be with her and that was enough, she just trusted that and stood by her side .
Jane knew that Maura wanted to get married and have kids, and she knew she ought it to her to be patient and to prove to her that she had made the right choice.
Things were going smoothly until :
"Really Jane? You really had to do that?" Maura shouted throwing her bag on the kitchen table.
"I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean to get you all worried." Jane apologized trying to reach out to her girlfriend.
"You didn't mean it?You engaged a fight with an armed suspect, he had a knife Jane, a butcher knife, what did you expect? To be resistant to blades?You're not superwoman, it's time you realize it."
"I did my job, the suspect had a weapon and I had to disarm it." Jane replied trying to minimize her actions.
"Why didn't you let Frost do it?"
"Because I was capable of doing it. I'm the only woman at homicide, do you know how it feels?I have to prove myself, every single day, that I can do the same job as a man. How would it look if I ask Frost for help every time things get physical?"
"It would look like you're not suicidal and you care about your girlfriend." Maura riposted.
" How can you say that? I care about you more then anything else, you're my life." Jane professed.
" Am I? If I were that important to you, you wouldn't act like that. Can you imagine how I felt when Frost called me saying that you were at the hospital , wounded?I'm a Medical Examiner for Christ sick, a thousand images ran through my head while I was on my way to see you. I could have killed myself driving in that state of mind." Maura said moving her hands hysterically.
" I'm a cop, you know that one day you might receive a phone call and that I might die on the job."
"I know that and trust me every time you're a bit late and the phone rings and it's not you calling me to tell me you're going to be late, my heart just stops beating."
"That's why I always call when I'm late , because I don't want you to worry."
" I know, but being wounded on the job and running towards potential danger on purpose are two different things."
"I know, I guess I'm stupid. I'm so used of being on my own that sometimes I don't think about the kind of consequences my actions can have on you and I'm sorry."
"It's not enough, how Am I supposed to trust you Jane?How Am I supposed to consider marrying you if I can't trust you? How Am I suppose to consider carrying your child if I know that would put yourself life that without thinking and that I might end up raising him or her child on my own?"
"Wait a minute, you're being unfair , you know that the minute you get pregnant I will change and be more careful. You know I would never do anything that would leave you alone to raise our child?You know that I wouldn't do that to our child right?"
"I don't know Jane, I would like to believe you but I can't. I asked you repeatedly to be more careful and you promised me you would. You even promised my dad remember?Did you mean all the promises you made to my father or was it just to make him like you?" Maura asked exasperated that not only Jane broke a promise she made to her but also to her dad.
"You know I was sincere with your dad and that I have always been sincere with you, I'm sorry."
"How I am supposed to believe you?How Am I supposed to believe that you would change for our child when you can't change for me?Or when you can't even keep a promise you made to me?"
"I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I don't want to loose you. I know how stupid I am . Is this why you said you weren't ready to get married when we met your parents?Because you don't trust me on this?" Jane asked finally understanding why Maura wasn't ready to get married yet.
"Oh Jane, you know I want to marry you, but I can't until I know can trust that you will be more careful, I'm sorry. " Maura sadly replied trying to avoid eye contact.
"Look when we first started dating and we talked about having kids in the future I told you I wouldn't be like your parents and that I would always be there for you and for our child that I would always make you my priorities and I meant it. I'm totally in love with you and I want to marry you and have a child with you. If I have to quit my job to show you how much you and our future family means to me then I will do it." Jane said trying to get closer to Maura who was obviously avoiding her.
"No you wouldn't, your job is your life." Maura contested avoiding Jane's touch. 0
"No YOU are my life. My job used to be my life, but you changed all that. I never pictured myself as a stay home mom, hell I never pictured myself as a mom or as in a relationship, but since I met you the only thing I want in my life is to be your partner and to be the mother of our child, that's all I want."
"Why do you always have to be so extreme?"
"Because I'm italian..." Jane grinned trying to cool down the atmosphere.
"It's not time to make jokes Jane, I'm sorry but I can't..." Maura mumbled confused.
"Don't do that, please." Jane begged.
"I'm not doing anything, you did it all by yourself."
"What is it gonna take for you to trust me? Tell me I will do anything." Jane offered desperate to lose her.
"I love Jane, I really do and ever since we started dating I tried to be understanding of your lifestyle, your insecurities and I accepted a lot of things from you. I accepted how you rejected me when I confronted you because I knew that you were confused. I accepted to wait for you to be ready to take a step further in our relation ship. I also accepted your desire of independence, and your pathological need of controlling everything because these bad sides believe or not are the reasons why I love you so much. But this, this is too much I' m sorry . As much as I love you I can not be with you until you decide what your priorities are, if you want to be with me or if you want to impress people at work by being as bold as a guy."
" Here is my priority. " Jane said taking off her gun and badge and putting them on the kitchen table.
"Please Jane , I'm being serious. "
"I'm dead serious, I will quit my job right now if you ask me to do it." Jane seriously offered knowing that Maura wouldn't ask her but willing to do it if necessary.
" And what would you do, if you're not a cop?" Maura asked seeing how serious Jane about this.
"Well I can take a desk assignment, or I can transfer to computer crime, or I can even teach at the academy. I will do you what ever will make you trust me and feel safe. I'm so sorry for putting you through this It will never happen again, I promise. I know you supported me a lot and I'm thankful for that. " Jane replied wrapping her arms around Maura to try to calm her down.
"I can't ask you that kind of sacrifice, you're an homicide Detective, you're meant to be on the field, you're the best at what you do and you breath for it, I can't take that from away from you."
"You're wrong I breath for you, because of you, taking you away from me would be worse. So right after Christmas I will talk to the boss and see how I can make this work." Jane decided.
" No, don't I won't take your dream away from you, you've always wanted to be a cop, you told me that you renounced to go to one of the best universities in the country to become one."
"You're my dream, well more of a fantasy, dreams are meant to become true and fantasies are meant to stay fantasies."
As crazy as it sounded Maura knew that Jane would actually quit her job if she asked her to. And that was scary. She knew that being a cop was Jane's dream and that she worked hard all her career to be where she is and she couldn't imagine that Jane would love her enough to give that away . After making such a scene she felt like she didn't even deserve such a sacrifice.
"Oh Jane, just promise me you will change, I love that bad ass attitude of yours, it makes you even sexier, but my nerves won't be able to handle what you put me through today another time."
"I promise, I will let Frost get dirty from now on, actually he always tells me to let him do it. I think he might feel a bit castrated when I take a suspect down myself." Jane joked feeling that Maura was starting to relax a bit more in her arms.
"And we wouldn't want that, would be?" Maura joked finally smiling again.
"Thank you babe, you won't regret it , just so you know one day I'm going to ask you to marry and you better say yes when I do."
"I will, but know that I'm very traditional, and I expect a traditional and romantic proposal and at least a year of being engaged before having a traditional wedding."
"Alright, then I should start working overtime right now, If I want to give you the best wedding money can buy."
"I'm tempted to say that money isn't an issue but you once told me you were the guy right?"
"Yes and you're the princess, I got the message . I got this, don't worry. I mean if you're not sick of my pathological need of controlling everything."
" I'm sorry, that was out of line, you're not a control freak, you just like to take care of everything, it's your way of showing me how much you love me . You know how charming and sexy I found it when you treat me like a princess. Now please just take me to bed and show me how much you love me." Maura ordered.
"You're not punishing me by going on a sex strike?"
"No I would be punishing myself as well, I don't want that, but know that you're on probation ."
"I know and trust me I will keep my promise form now on. Contemplating this idea of you leaving me is more then I can handle. Now let's get you to bed, so I can show you show sorry I am."
Jane knew at that precise moment that she needed to change right now, not once they get married, not once they have kids, now. She was now able to understand Maura's fear of getting married: Maura was scared of loosing her, that the job might take her away. Jane knew Maura had abandonment issues due to the neglect she suffered as a child and that she needed someone who would love her and be there for her unconditionally...She knew she would never handle being abandoned again. Jane knew that exactly how Maura would feel if she died on the job : abandoned and left alone in the world.
So that night Jane decided that she would be more careful because she couldn't make Maura worried or sad like that again, damn she hurt the woman she loved and she couldn't forgive herself for being so stupid and heartless. She was determined to make it up to her and to show her that she would never have to go through that pain again. That night Jane also decided to cut off her hours at work, for now Maura didn't complain, but she knew that at some point it would become necessary and she didn't want to wait that long to change, Maura needed her now.
So what do you guys think?Was this too much?I just wanted to try some drama! I know that on the show Maura would never blame Jane like that, but I think she got scared and that Jane deserved to be yelled at. On the other hand it's totally like Jane to do what she did…
Well Jane is ready to propose but Maura isn't… Well I think it might take some time before Maura trusts her enough to say yes :)