Hi everyone. Sorry I've been taking a long time to update on the story. I haven't been feeling the best these past couple of months. I'm in a bit of a depressed stage because I miss my husband and I just found out that we are moving to Italy with the Army. So, I have just been preoccupied with my personal life and I am sorry it is affecting me with the story :( Also, as you can tell, this chapter is very long but very informative with Luna not wanting to love Rin or be in love. It's very depressing(just FYI), and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. It's what I've been feeling lately, but I think it needed a little more angst, but don't worry, it'll all go back to normal soon :) Just you wait! Oh and to the anon reviewer, Where I'm from, chicanos are like from the barrio, like they grew up there. I'm not from the barrio, so I'm just a regular hispanic with Mexican descent. Not fully making me Mexican because I was born in America. So i'm guessing Latino? I don't even know how to explain my race lol but yeah, Luna isn't a chicana. I don't really like that term lol sorry about the confusion!

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I don't own Free! Iwatobi Swim Club, only my OC's!

Chapter 23: Afraid To Love

"So… I heard about your little swim." Makoto discreetly whispers to me as we are walking to our homeroom after PE. My eyes widen horrifyingly at his remark.

"What the hell! He told you what happened?!" I unintentionally raise my voice at him, making everyone surrounding us turn to see what the commotion was about. I laugh nervously as I apologize and bow my head at them.

Everyone went back to their own conversations while I finish mine with Makoto. "How much do you know? We didn't do anything else if that's what you're thinking. All we did was swim and well… maybe kissed a little. Well maybe a lot but nothing more! So don't think differently about us, please." I explain all in one breath, but as I turn to face Makoto, he's just staring wide eyed and taken back by my rant.

Taking his confused and startled expression; I figured out that he didn't know anything about that part. I feel my cheeks burn up from embarrassment. "Oh crap, you didn't know anything about that part… did you?"

Makoto slowly shakes his head while I stupidly slap my forehead. "Okay. Let's just ignore that part. Yes?"

Makoto nods attentively at my command while he clears his throat and continues on with what he was telling me. "No, Haruka told me that you guys finally swam together! What made you change your mind?"

I smile faintly at the memory of that night's scene. "Well after talking to you and realizing that all he wanted was to just swim with me, I figured that I should just do it. It was… special."

I avert my gaze to Makoto and I see him cocking an eyebrow and my last comment. I roll my eyes and laugh, "That's not what I meant."

I pushed him playfully as we enter our homeroom and sat down at our desks. When I turned my body around to continue talking to Makoto sitting behind me, I see Haruka arriving in the classroom late. I suspiciously stare at him walking casually to his desk, with his hair dripping down on his uniform. I smirk and shake my head at his entrance. He catches me watching him and he returns the smirk as he takes his seat beside Makoto.

They both begin to talk while I just mess with my phone before the teacher came in, but then I feel it vibrate in my hands suddenly. It was a text from Rin.

Hey, meet me after school today.

-Rin

I feel my stomach begin to get knotted up as I read the text, facing forward so the guys wouldn't see my phone. I quickly respond back to his message.

I don't know if that's a good idea Rin. I don't think I'm ready to see you…

-Luna

And why not? Please Luna, just meet with me for a while. We need to talk about everything.

-Rin

I hesitantly begin the text. I didn't want to see Rin anytime soon. After that night… I feel like a complete fool, but putting my pride aside, I continue on with the text.

Okay. Where do you wanna meet up?

-Luna

Come to the academy. I'll meet you at the front entrance.

-Rin

Ok. See you then.

-Luna

'Can this day just be over already?' I anxiously thought to myself as I place my phone back in my bag once the teacher entered the classroom. But what I didn't know is that Haruka was staring at me the entire time I was texting. I try my best to not turn around, so that I wouldn't make it noticeable that I was stressing out. I let out a puff of exhausted hot air and just concentrated on class… desperately waiting for the day to end.

"Hey Luna, are you gonna stay for practice?" Gou questions curiously as she sees me hurriedly run past her in the hall.

I stop in my tracks and make a 180-degree turn. "Um, maybe not today. I have errands to run." I try my best to not sound like I'm hiding anything. Hopefully she'll believe me, but knowing Gou, she probably will. I feel horrible lying to her, especially since her brother is involved. My guilty conscience is definitely biting me in the ass right now.

She smiles innocently at me and replies. "Oh okay! Well we'll see you tomorrow then!" She then waves bye to me as I do the same to her while running out of the building. I was running so fast that I didn't even notice Haruka standing at the entrance of the gates outside.

"Luna, where are you going?" He calls out loud enough for me to hear before I continued taking off.

Already several feet past him, I abruptly stop and turned to face him as well. He gives me a concerned expression by furrowing his eyebrows while he stares at me, awaiting my answer.

I moderately keep my breathing to a minimum as I answer back. "Oh, I'm gonna head home right now. Gotta run some errands for my dad, but hey, I'll text you tonight?" I slightly tighten the grip on my backpack, anxiously hoping that he'll believe me. Even though I hardly know Haruka, I know he isn't easily fooled. I feel my heart about to burst out my chest by how nervous I am in front of him. I didn't like lying to him too…

Haruka eyes my suspiciously but just shrugs it off. "Okay. I'll text you tonight." He answers back monotonously.

He didn't believe me, but he's pretending that he doesn't have a clue. I'm pretty sure he knows exactly what is going on, but since we're not going out he won't say anything.

"O-okay. I'll text you. Bye." I wait for him to turn around and leave first, and then I take off once more to the academy to meet up with Rin.

Shortly before arriving at the academy it begins to rain dreadfully. 'Of course this would happen while I'm walking outside. Pfft, perfect weather for the mood though.' I thought to myself as I try to make my way out of the rain by running faster to the entrance. I suddenly see Rin waiting on the bench outside, getting completely soaked to the bone while wearing his hoodie on top of his head. I run up in front of him while trying to catch my breath as the raindrops pour all over my body, drenching my uniform and making my hair stick to my face.

"Rin, what the hell are you doing outside? You'll catch a cold." I blatantly tell him, but he just stays staring at the ground.

"Why would it matter to you?" He finally states in a lowly raspy tone.

"Because you're my friend and I care for you. Now come on and lets get you inside." I begin to grab his arm but snatches my hand before I could even touch him.

"Is… Is that all I am to you? Just a friend?" He asks saddened by my remark.

I pursed my lips together and sighed heavily as I sit down next to him after he releases his grip on my wrist. The rain just washes on us but we don't care. Not the slightest. I scratch the back of my head while I keep my eyes focused on the ground that is overflowing with water.

"Rin, it's not that I just think of you as my friend, but as one of my closest friends. But that got ruined after you didn't contact me for that year, but now we rekindled that friendship after we coincidently met up here in this town. So of course I consider you my friend… but more than that, I'm not to sure." I can already begin to feel my eyes watery up, but I didn't care. If I cried, I cried. So be it.

"Do you love Haruka?" He bluntly asks, still not making any eye contact with me.

Completely stunned by his question I quickly shift my head to face him. "What? Why the hell would you ask such a question? I hardly even know him. Why in the world would I fall in love with someone I just met?"

Now Rin slowly turns his head to face me while removing his hood, revealing his ruby red irises. "Because I did."

My eyes widen at his remark, even though I already know his love for me, but the way he placed in the situation completely caught me off guard. I was at a loss for word as I face the ground once more.

"No. I don't love Haruka."

"Bullshit." Rin practically spits out in frustration.

"Excuse me?"

He then stands up and over towers me while I continue to sitting down on the bench.

"I saw the way you looked at him that day when we first ran into each other. Then at the relay and at the hospital; you love him Luna."

Shocked by Rin's accusations I stand up and defend myself. "I do not! Don't go making false accusations like that."

"Why? You know it is, but you're too blind and stupid to even see it yourself! Just face it Luna, you love him."

I can feel my face get heated from embarrassment and frustration. "No I don't! I don't love him and I don't love you! I don't love anyone, nor do I want to have that feeling ever again! I hate the word love! I hate it…" My voice cracks towards the end of my rant. Now the tears are beginning to flow out.

Rin stops suddenly and just stares at me with concerned expression. He reaches out to touch me but I flinch away when his fingers brushed up against my jacket. "Please, don't. I don't want to be comforted."

I slowly breathe out through my nostrils as I close my eyes and put myself at ease before I finish speaking. "My mom… was the definition of love in my life. She had me at such a young age and yet, still being a teenager, she loved me unconditionally. Till the day she died, she kept on loving me and I loved her." I take a breather before I finished.

"She was the love of my life. Everything she did for me was out of love. When she would punish me, ground me, give me advice on life, it was out of love. She made so many sacrifices for me and my siblings growing up. She had to drop out of college to raise the three of us. She had to put aside her friends and social life because she wanted us to have a better one than what she had.

That… is love. That is my love and when I lost her, I didn't feel that love anymore. Like it just vanished. Which is why I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. That connection we had disappeared. But I did continue my passion for swimming because that's what my mom wanted me to do."

The tears begin to fall down my face the more I keep talking about my mom. "Now, I feel like I didn't show my love for her enough. I feel like everything that I did wasn't enough. That's why I don't deserve to love anyone or that anyone should love me for that matter."

Rin slowly reaches his arms out to me and pulls me into a tight embrace. That's where I lost it, but he does his best to comfort me."Of course it was. You're mom saw everything that you've done for her and she can feel the love that you bestowed upon her in your lifetime. That doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be love or be loved by anyone for that matter. Your mom wouldn't have wanted that for you."

I dig my face into his wet chest, crying even harder. "Why! Why did she have to die! She was still so young. She had so much going for her, why did she have to get cancer? Why did she find out about it so late when she already had the symptoms? Why mom? Why?" I scream in agony into Rin's chest.

Finally the rain settled down and it stopped, leaving the two of us drenched and cold. Rin pulls me away and wipes my tears away. "Listen, I'm sorry I made you like this. If I would've known I wouldn't have put you in this situation." He apologizes sincerely while picking my chin up with his hand to face him.

"Let me walk you home." At that, we went to my house.

Upon arrival at my house, I see my dad's car in the driveway. I didn't care if I got scolded for being late and soaked by the rain. I just wanted to be left alone. Completely lost in my thoughts I couldn't hear Rin calling my name.

"Luna. Luna."

I shake my head and face him as he gives me a concerned gaze. "Yes?"

"I asked if you'll be okay?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah I should be. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." I say monotonously to him, not giving him any reassurance on my condition. He then places his hands on my shoulders and brought his face closer to mine as he plants a kiss on my forehead.

"Don't be afraid to love, Luna. You're mom wouldn't have wanted you to live a loveless life." He pauses before ruffling my hair and giving me a solemn toothy grin. "See you later."

At that, he leaves me to myself. I compose myself before I enter the house. As I'm removing my shoes in the genkan I see my dad at the entrance giving me a stern expression for me being late.

"Luna, where the hell were you and why are you all wet?" My dad interrogates but I just ignore him and run up to hug him, tears falling from my eyes.

"Papa, te extraño a mama." I sob uncontrollably while I hug him as tight as I could.

Caught off guard by actions my dad just wraps his arms around me and soothes my hair back while cooing at me. ""It's okay mijita, I miss her too." I heard him beginning to cry along with me while hugging me tighter.

We both stayed crying the genkan until it was time to go to sleep.