A/N - Big thanks to all my readers, your reviews make my day/week/month!

My beta...luv4jake, i'm suprised she hasn't run off yet, i drove her nuts with this chapter, constantly changing things around, so THANK YOU for putting up with me! And thank you for the song chapter, its perfect!

Twitter Whack Pack - you girls rock! MWA!

Storminco and Debbliss - love you both to pieces!

Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. I just like to make them do whatever i please.

I'll Stand by You, The Pretenders

Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

BPOV

I thrust my foot against the accelerator once more, desperate for my withering truck to go faster. It roared in protest, struggling to push further than its 50 miles per hour limit. I huffed in frustration knowing there was nothing I could do about it than just endure the slow drive.

I really needed a faster car.

Renee, Phil and I had arrived back in Forks about an hour ago and I don't think I have ever been happier to be back home. I've never liked Phoenix and I've never made an effort to be discreet about that in the past. But today I was more anxious than ever to be back home.

Edward Cullen.

My boyfriend.

My confusing, mysterious and brooding boyfriend.

I let out a curse as I reached a red light, slamming my foot on the brake but at the same time trying to ease the truck to a gentle stop in order to prevent the three 'to go' coffees I had sitting in the cardboard tray in the passenger seat beside me, from spilling over.

As soon as the plane had landed at Sea Tac Airport, I had called Edward but gotten no answer. Frustrated that I couldn't get in touch with him, I sent him a text message informing him that I should be in Forks and at his place within a couple of hours. An hour and a half later when there still was no answer, I called Emmett who informed me that Edward had been locked up in his bedroom since arriving last night. That didn't sound good at all and only confirmed my suspicions of problems arising in Seattle after speaking to him last night on the phone and hearing how odd he had sounded. Emmett assured me he'd tell me what was going on when I got to their place.

I got a weird look from Renee when we arrived back home and I threw my duffle into my room, changed out of my clothes - that smelt like the damn airline - and rushed back down the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Renee asked with a cocked eyebrow as she filled the kettle with water, most likely to make some tea.

"To see Edward. I don't think he's feeling too well." I explained, stopping only long enough to the get words out before I dashed toward the door.

"Don't be late." She called out to me just as I shut the door behind me.

So here I was, on my way to Edward's house, desperate to find out just what was going on that had him locked up in his bedroom.

Pulling into their driveway, I parked my truck beside Emmett's Jeep and hopped out after grabbing the tray of three coffees. Kicking the door shut behind me, I carefully made my way up their porch and to the front door where I knocked twice with a little more force than necessary. A few moments later, Emmett answered the door, grinning big at me, his dimples deep and making him look so adorable.

"BFF!" He exclaimed as he took the coffees off me and moved aside to let me in.

"Hey Emmett." I smiled genuinely as I stepped in and shut the door behind me. I followed him into the kitchen where he placed the coffees down on the kitchen bench and pulled one out for himself, taking a timid sip.

"Thanks for this Bella." He sighed in satisfaction as he took another little sip.

I stood their anxiously, wanting nothing more than to dart up the stairs and to Edward. I must not have been hiding my anxiety very well because Emmett raised one eyebrow at me, his eyes questioning me over the cup of his coffee. He pulled the cup away, placing it down on the bench in front of him and sighed.

"I know you're just impatient to get up there to him but I need to tell you a few things, k?" He asked, his face taking on a seriousness I rarely ever witnessed on Emmett. I nodded quickly, just desperate to know.

I watched his eyes turn cautious, scrubbing a hand through his short hair a few times as if contemplating exactly how much to tell me.

"Emmett…" I pushed, feeling my stomach beginning to knot in anticipation.

"He's just… look, I'll let him be the one to tell you what happened because really, I don't know the details of what exactly went down..." He tongued the inside of his cheek as he tried to find the right words to express to me. "Just be careful, he isn't in the best mood." He watched me carefully, before he said the next words to me, "He's been in a constant stupor of alcohol and drugs for the past 48 hours. And I mean… the heavy stuff." He explained, his eyes pleading with me to understand exactly what he meant. I knew. I didn't need him to elaborate. He'd taken some cocaine. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I knew he had some, I knew he'd taken some in the past but I also knew he was at a point where he didn't need it when he was here in Forks. So whatever went down in Seattle must have been profound.

"Ok." I let out in a breath, not realizing I had been holding my breath while Emmett spoke.

"Just don't take it personally if he's snappy." He concluded with a nod, his eyes still studying me for a reaction.

"I'm worried for him Emmett." I admitted. "Like, really worried. I hate seeing him hurting..." The side of his lips curled up into a small sympathetic smile before he stepped forward and engulfed me into a hug. I buried my face into his broad chest and reveled in the comfort he was providing. He was a great big brother. He cared so much for Edward and it was so great to see he had people that loved him so much.

I pulled back eventually, smiling up at him softly.

"Me too, Bella. He hasn't left the room since arriving yesterday evening. He hasn't even eaten." I nodded in understanding before grabbing the two coffees off the bench and turning for the stairs.

As I slowly made my way up the stairs I was preparing myself for anything. I had a fair idea of what I was walking into but I'd never witnessed Edward in such a state so this was new to me. I reached his bedroom door and stood out side of it for a bit just to collect myself before stepping in.

Silence.

I couldn't hear any movement or music whatsoever coming from inside. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a good sign or not but I decided there was only one way to find out.

I knocked softly a few times and waited but I still couldn't hear any movement to indicate he was going to answer the door. He was most possibly sleeping, so I decided I'd just have to let myself in.

I let my hand hover over the knob of his door for a moment, psyching myself up for practically anything. Taking a deep breath, I grasped the knob determinedly, twisted it, and pushed the door open slowly. I took a step into the darkness, my brows furrowing in confusion at first considering it was still light out but as I pushed the door open all the way I saw the reason for the darkness. All the blinds were drawn closed, enveloping the room in a dark blanket. Biting my lip, I stepped all the way in and quietly shut the door behind me trying to make as minimal noise as possible. I took a deep breath and cringed slightly at the stench of cigarette smoke in the room. I let my eyes wander the area before me, getting surprised at the chaotic state it was in. There were clothes everywhere, strewn over his couch and floor. A half empty bottle of vodka sat uncapped by his bed side table, among his phone and a box of tissues. My eyes flickered to the bed where Edward's form lay sleeping, tangled within the sheets, in nothing but a pair of black boxers. He lay on his stomach, his head turned to the left and buried into his pillow a little. One hand was dug underneath his pillow while the other was bent out to his other side.

In that moment I wanted nothing more than to dive across the room, close the distance between us and bury myself into his warmth. But it couldn't happen that way. I honestly wasn't sure what I was walking myself into but after what Emmett said about his coke binge, he would be in a pretty grumpy and agitated mood.

The stench of cigarette smoke was starting to make me feel a little wheezy so after placing the tray of coffee on his desk, I walked over to his window and slipped my hands behind the blinds and fumbled for the groove in the window. I heaved it open, just enough to allow some fresh air to breeze into the room. Letting the blind fall back over the window, I turned back toward Edward.

I made hesitant steps toward his bed and rounded it so that I was facing the side his face was turned. My heart sank as soon as I lay my eyes upon his face. He looked pale. Not his usual bright and glowing pale but a dry and dull kind of pale. He had visible black circles rimming his eyes, his hair even messier than its usual disarray. I frowned at what I was looking at, seeing a part of the Edward that first came to Forks, not the Edward that put me to sleep in my bed only three nights ago.

Unable to fight the urge to be near him any longer, I toed off my sneakers and ripped my jacket off, tossing it to join his clothes on the floor.

I lifted my knees up onto the bed and crawled my way over to him slowly, trying not to shake the bed too much with my movements. I kneeled beside him, facing him and let my eyes roam all his perfection. The creamy smoothness of his back, defined with sculpted muscles. The intricate details of his Cullen Crest tattoo which lay nestled between his shoulder blades. My hand twitched, wanting nothing more than to trace a finger over its complex patterns. I could feel my heart beat quicken, his presence so close and warm affecting me. Without hesitation or thought, I lifted my hand that had been resting on my thigh and slowly brushed my fingers through the thickness of his hair. I couldn't believe the electricity that shot through me, startling me slightly with its intensity but not faltering my movements. I let out a quick breath, a smile tugging at the corning of my lips as I continued to tangle my fingers through his hair, reveling in its softness. A light long moan escaped his lips, causing him to bury his face deeper into pillow. He didn't wake.

I let my hand wander down the back of his head, past his neck and over his tattoo, my fingers lightly brushing over it a few times. I removed my hand and let my eyes flicker back to his face wishing there was something I could do to make his pain go away forever. I slipped my legs out from underneath me till I was sitting on my butt and then lay myself down beside him on my side so that my face was level with his, only inches away. I gazed at him, wanting nothing more than for his vibrant deep green eyes that I've grown to love to meet my mine. Lifting my hand, I stroked his cheek, trailing my fingers over the thickness of his eyebrows, over his cheek bones, down his straight nose, caressing him, loving him. His long thick lashes fluttered a little, till his eyes met mine sleepily. But they weren't vibrant nor a deep green. They were dull, glazed over a little and my heart sank. They reflected his sadness, pain, anger, annoyance, guilt… all unveiled. He didn't startle like I thought he would at finding me suddenly in his bed, my face close to his.

Instead he attempted a small smile. It came out more like a grimace though. Without a word, he removed his hand that had been buried beneath his pillow, lifted it and wrapped it around my waist. He scooped me up and tugged me toward him, crushing me to his bare and warm chest. I swallowed down the exhilarated sigh that threatened to escape at being back in the comfort and safety of his embrace. I lifted my hand and dove it into his hair, burying my face into his chest just as he nuzzled his face into my hair. I felt his chest rise with a deep inhale and I smiled to myself when I realized he was sniffing my hair. I tugged him incredibly closer to me, needing to feel all of him, his protectiveness and his warmth. I took in a greedy breath of him, his scent of cologne and a hint of cigarettes calming me instantly, sending a warm buzz to pulsate through me to the tips of my toes. This was my home. Despite all the troubles that lay ahead of us, all the pain we would have to endure together, I belonged right here, alongside him, with him. And I was never leaving.

"I missed you." He whispered into my hair, his words muffled but clear to my ears. "So fucking much." His arm tightened around me, his leg curling around my legs so that they were between his.

I continued to stroke his hair, knowing that always comforted him. "I missed you, Edward." I mumbled into his chest, my warm breath echoing off his chest and back into my face with my closeness.

"Don't leave me. Please don't fucking leave me again." He whispered, his voice laced with a desperation that frightened me. I knew we had a lot to discuss when we finally got talking and there was no escaping it at this point. I needed to understand what exactly went down in Seattle, where it all fit in with his past, why he was the way he was. I needed to know all that if I had any hope of helping him.

"I won't. Never again." I uttered clearly making sure he understood just how serious I was. We stayed tangled in each other for a while. It could have been minutes or hours, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that we needed to just hold each other for now, comforting each other after the events of the past few days.

Eventually our little peaceful bubble was disrupted by the shrieking of my cell phone. I made no move to get up and answer it though and neither did Edward but I knew we weren't going to be snuggled into each other for much longer.

He pulled back a little, taking a deep breath as he did. I inclined my head till my eyes met his. We gazed at each other for an indefinite amount of time. His hand unwrapped itself from around my waist and trailed up my side, leaving tingles in its wake. His eyes followed his hand, chasing it as it reached my face, stroking my cheek softly, his fingers tracing around my eyes, down the bridge of my nose, my eyes fluttering closed, the feeling sending warmth of goose bumps to erupt over my skin. I let my sense of touch take over, basking in the feel of his fingers caressing my skin. I sucked in a ragged breath as soon as I felt his fingers over my lips. I parted my lips, my heart beat quickening, thrashing, calling him… calling his touch. Without realizing what I was doing, my tongue darted out and licked the tip of his index finger, where it lay resting on my bottom lip. I opened my eyes, finding his fixed to my lips, dark and lust filled. His eyes darted up to mine, his expression changing to one of indecision… uncertainty? Locking my eyes with his I closed my lips around the tip of his finger and sucked on it, his eyes snapping back to my lips, his eye lids growing heavy with lust. He groaned softly as I sucked on his finger, circling my tongue around its tip, before I pulled back, his finger slipping out from between my lips.

"Baby," he breathed.

With my fingers still tangled in his hair I tugged his head down toward mine and met his lips with mine. I moaned softly as soon as the contact was made, having missed the feel of his lips against mine. He took my bottom lip between his and sucked on it softly, as his top lip sat nestled between my lips. He released it but went back for more, this time taking my top lip between his and sucking it. My fingers in his hair tightened, wanting to feel more of him, anything to bring him closer to me but he kept it pretty innocent, nipping my lips softly in a reserved manner. Desperate for more, I let my tongue dart out and brush against his lips but as soon as I did, he pulled back, resting his forehead against mine, his breaths uneven.

Before I knew what was happening, I felt him disappear, the cold of the room hitting me like a ton of bricks. My eyes snapped open to find Edward sitting on the edge of his bed, scrubbing his hands over his face roughly. They dropped to rest on either side of his thighs on the bed, his shoulders hunched over with a look of defeat. Without a word he stood and made his way over to his desk where the coffees sat. I sat myself up in his bed still dazed as to what just happened, watching as he reached out for his pack of cigarettes and pulled one out. He must have then noticed the coffees because he froze and turned to me with a raised eyebrow in question.

"I thought you'd might like some coffee." I shrugged, hating the way he was acting and looking at me so distant suddenly. He nodded, his face indecipherable as he pulled a cup out of the tray and popped the top off. He took a sip, his brows furrowing a little before he took another longer one. I was positive the coffees were cold by now.

"They're cold." He mentioned setting the cup back down on the table.

"They've been there for a while." I answered quietly, stilling confused to the sudden change in his demeanor.

My phone then rang again but this time I reached for it, lifting my butt off the bed slightly so I could slip it out of my back pocket. Glancing at the screen I saw it was Alice. Not in the mood to speak to anyone I let it go to my voicemail. I received a text a few moments later.

B, Jasper and I are downstairs. Rose is here too.

"Who is it?" Edward asked, taking a seat by his window against its ledge and lighting up a cigarette. He held the cigarette between his lips, his eyes squinting from the smoke rising from the end of it as he reached for the cord of the blinds and thrust it open, a streak of light glaring into the room. I watched him suck his cigarette and then exhale out toward his open window.

"They're all downstairs." I didn't need to clarify who 'they' were. He knew.

"I'm not in the mood to deal with anyone right now." He stated staring out the window. He looked like he was miles away from here.

"Ok. I might just go down and tell them we're going to stay up here." I said scrambling out of his bed.

"You can hang out with them. I'm not going to stop you." He said dryly, his eyes still staring out into the fading light.

I glanced over at him as I slipped my sneakers back on, wondering why he was being so cold.

"I'll be back." I said ignoring his statement and walking to the door.

I could hear their chattering and laughing echoing up the stairs as I descended them. Walking into the lounge, all four pairs of eyes snapped to me. Alice was the first to jump up off the couch and dart over to me, crushing me into a freakishly tight hug.

"We missed you!" She exclaimed pulling back and kissing me on the cheek. I smiled half heartedly, my mind still upstairs in the gloom of Edward's room and unable to return her enthusiasm.

Rose was next, hugging me close to her, telling me never to leave Forks again. I rolled my eyes and even smiled a little.

"You ok?" She asked staring at me intently. I wasn't sure what to say, my eyes darted to Emmett's, who was staring at me with concern from across the room.

"I'm fine." I answered turning my attention back to Rose. "Just tired from all the travelling." I answered, shoving my hands into the pocket of my jeans.

We spent the next ten minutes catching up on each other's Thanksgiving. I wasn't all that enthusiastic going on about my Thanksgiving in Phoenix but it appeased them.

They made plans to go out for an early dinner together. I had to take a rain check knowing there was no way Edward would be up for it. With quick goodbyes, Alice and Rose headed out first leaving me with Emmett and Jasper.

"How are things up there?" Emmett asked quietly. Jasper stood beside him, studying me closely. I shrugged.

"We haven't really spoken. He looks…" I fumbled for the right words to describe just how Edward looked. None of them seemed to fit.

"I know." Emmett sighed in understanding. "I just fucking need him to snap out of whatever fucking downward spiral he's got himself in right now." I nodded unsure of what to say. My mind was swimming with a million different situations that I could possibly find myself in. "He just needs time, Bella." Emmett assured, probably noticing the unease I felt.

"Take care, you know I'm here babe." Jasper said hugging me tightly. I nodded against him, burying myself into his embrace. His company always had a natural tranquility to it. I greedily tried to absorb it all.

"I know, thanks Jazz."

With another hug from Emmett, they both followed the girls outside closing the door behind them. I sighed and contemplated what to do next. I wanted to go upstairs but I knew I couldn't just sit there and watch him mope and be all distant with me. We needed to start somewhere if I needed to start helping him. I figured the first thing I could do was feed him. Emmett has said he'd been locked up in his room since he arrived last night, which most likely meant he hadn't eaten anything and if he had, I was positive it wouldn't have been anything nutritious.

After scanning the pantry and fridge for available ingredients I managed to find what I needed to make a BLT. I knew he loved it and it was quick and easy. I got to work, toasting the rolls and frying up the bacon. Just as I was washing the tomato and lettuce I heard the front door open and close. I froze, knowing if it was Dr. Cullen I'd have to explain why I had taken over his kitchen like I owned the place. I listened to his footsteps get louder as they approached till they silenced. I turned around slowly and sure enough, I came face to face with Dr. Cullen.

"Bella." He smiled in surprise.

"Carlisle." I nodded unsure of what to say. I watched as his eyes darted around the kitchen, ingredients scattered around the place, the griller on, the crackling of bacon in the skillet. He raised his eyebrows as his eyes found mine again. "I'm so sorry Carlisle but I was just making a sandwich for Edward. I should have asked first whether I-" I stopped at the dismissive shake of his hand.

"Don't be." He said with a warm smile. "He needs someone to feed him." He chuckled. "The kitchen is yours to do as you please, Bella."

"Thank you." I breathed in relief. I fiddled with the kitchen towel in my hands unsure of why I was feeling so uncomfortable around him. Was it all the stories Edward had told me about Carlisle and his mother?

"You might want to check on your bacon." He smirked, nodding his head at the skillet. I darted to the pan of bacon to see them browning a little more than I had wanted. Grabbing the plate covered with paper towels, I drained the bacon from the pan and lay them in the plate to drain properly of all the fat.

"I'm just here to grab something from my office and then I'm heading back to work." He mentioned, watching me as I flitted around the kitchen, pulling out the bread rolls from underneath the grill. "Edward's upstairs I presume?" He asked. I turned to face him and nodded.

"Yes. He's ah… just sleeping."

"You know Bella…" he began, glancing at me warily. "It's hard to help those who don't want it." He stated with such sadness in his voice that it could not be ignored. I just stared back at him, unsure of what to say to something like that. I was really lost for words today, overwhelmed by all that was going on.

We stared at each other for a few moments and for the first time I felt such empathy for Carlisle. He looked tired himself, drained, confused even. I knew watching your son crumble before your eyes couldn't be easy, especially when all your attempts to help were aggressively dismissed. Without another word, he turned and left the kitchen, leaving me standing and staring at the spot he had just occupied. I was starting to fear that Edward was in this way deeper than I had anticipated.

Forcing myself to move, I finished Edward's BLT and poured him a glass of OJ. Placing them on a tray I found in the cupboard where the plates were located, I headed upstairs balancing the items on the tray carefully.

I got to his door and realized that my hands were too full to open the door myself. I placed the tray on the floor and grabbed the knob and turned it, pushing the door open. Turning back to the tray I picked it back up and made my way through the doorway and into his room. Edward was still sitting by the window, staring out. He either was too lost in his own mind to realize I had entered or made no effort to acknowledge my presence. I wasn't sure which.

I walked over to his desk and placed the tray down onto it. "I thought you might be hungry." I affirmed clearly hoping to get his attention. He turned his head slowly to me, his eyes darting to the tray that sat on his desk. His brows furrowed in thought and his jaw set. Keeping his eyes on the tray he nodded his head slowly, a small smile threatening at the corner of his lips. It didn't quite make it though.

"Thank you." He replied glancing at me only briefly.

Not wanting to act pushy I walked over to his shelf of music and books and figured I'd distract myself with a book while he ate… if he ate.

Hooking my finger into the spine of a book, I slipped it out and turned toward his couch, slumped myself onto it and flipped the book open to the first chapter. It wasn't till I got to the second chapter that he removed himself from the window's ledge and made a move for his desk. He grabbed his plate with the BLT on it and OJ and walked back to the window. I internally groaned. I watched from beneath my lashes, pretending I was reading intently, as he settled the plate on his lap and placed the glass of OJ by his feet. I watched as he took the first bite, his eyes closing briefly as he chewed, his hair falling onto his forehead and hanging over his brows a little as he leaned forward over his plate. He ate in silence, occasionally taking a drink from his juice, his eyes either fixed out the window or on his plate. I fought down the nagging feeling that he was purposely distancing himself from me. It may be involuntarily, but it could also very well be just his way of coping, isolating himself from everyone. I didn't want that, I couldn't allow it.

He eventually finished, wiping his mouth with the napkin I had brought up with the food. He carried the empty plate and glass and placed them back on the tray. I looked up at him this time, my eyes raking over his body, still only covered in just his black boxers. He lifted both hands and shoved his fingers into his hair, crossing his fingers of both hands together atop his head as he threw his head back. My eyes caught sight of his second tattoo that sat on the inside of his left bicep.

Never Give Up

It was difficult to read considering it was written in an intricate script but because I knew what it said it was easy to make out the words. Watching him before me, struggling for composure, I could understand why he would tattoo such a phrase into his skin. He needed that reminder. Probably has needed that reminder over the last 2 years of his life. But that was only done nine months ago now, at his lowest point he had told me. I felt my heart fracture, a crack weaving its way through my heart as I watched the man I love suffer so visibly.

His hands dropped from his hair, his head coming back up to stare ahead. His eyes eventually found me, his lips pursing as he stared at me silently, the wheels in his head turning. I needed to help him and he needed time but I had to start somewhere.

Start slow

I snapped my book shut and tossed it on the couch beside me. I stood up with determination and walked over to him. Snaking my arms around his waist, I buried my face into his chest. He didn't hesitate wrapping his arms around me, leaning his head down to bury itself into the nook of my neck.

"You're going to take a bath." I said pulling back to take a look at him. He stared at me for a moment before he spoke.

"You think I smell?" He smirked, but it was half hearted. I shook my head.

"No, I just think it would be nice and soothing." Without waiting for his answer, I laced my fingers with his and tugged him out of the room and to the bathroom. I let him go when we entered and turned the faucets on, checking the water till it was to my liking and then putting the plug in so the bath tub would fill up. He just stood and watched me as I opened up the cupboard beneath the basin, searching for bath salts, bubble bath, anything that would do. Surprisingly I found a half bottle of Cocoa and Vanilla bubble bath. I grabbed it and unscrewed the cap and poured some into the filling tub. I may have heard Edward mumble, "We had fucking bubble bath?" but I couldn't be sure.

I placed the bottle on the basin and turned to face Edward who looked a little confused, amused and wary all at the same time.

"Strip." I demanded, taking in a deep breath because seeing Edward naked was never something you got used to. His eyebrows shot up at my demand. "Like you have a problem with it." I muttered. He smirked then, a genuine heart filled smirk and just that simple gesture made my heart sing. Without hesitation he hooked his fingers into the waist band of his boxers and locking his eyes with mine he tugged them down and stepped out of them. He stood before me naked, smirking at me impishly. I fought the urge to glance down at this man hood and keep my eyes above the waist. I stepped aside out of his way and gestured with my hand to the now half filled tub of bubbled warmth.

"You joining me?" He asked as he stepped toward the tub. I couldn't help it any longer, my eyes snapped down to his firm and taught ass. He glanced over his shoulder at me as he stepped in catching me staring at his behind. My face warmed crimson.

"W-what?" I asked snapping my eyes back to his embarrassingly.

"Are you joining me?"

"I can't." I replied shaking my head.

"Why not?" He asked, sinking himself into the bubbles.

"Because… because I just can't." I answered meekly.

"Bella," My breath caught when he said my name. I hadn't realized how much I had missed him saying it. "No one is home, right?"

"Right."

"Then get in, baby girl. You promised you'd never leave me." He said seriously, his eyes pleading with me. I stared at him for a moment, the desperation in his voice crumbling my reserve. So I relented, but had to go grab some bath towels first which Edward told me were in the linen closet in the hall. I shut the door behind me when I walked back in and turned the lock before turning to face Edward, the sight of him buried in the bubbles, chest deep, so beautiful. I gingerly removed my sneakers and socks, followed by my long-sleeved shirt. I hesitated with my jeans, unbuttoning them slowly. It was easy to forget your inhibitions when in the heat of the moment but standing here right in front of him, stripping off all my clothes brought back my insecurities.

"I'll turn if it will make it easier." He said. I shook my head knowing he was going to see me when I stepped in anyway. Edward never failed to make me feel beautiful. Ignoring my insecurities, I tugged my jeans down my legs and ripped them off, tossing them on the floor to the side. Edward was watching me now, but the look in his eyes was encouraging. They were dark, blazing with desire. I unclasped my bra and let it glide down my arms, tossing it to join my discarded jeans on the floor. Before I could change my mind, I hooked my fingers into the hem of my thong and dragged it down my legs.

Edward held his hand out for me to take to help me into the tub. I stepped into the warmth of the water, and sank myself down into Edward so that my back was to his chest. I light moan escaped me as the warmth of both his body and the water enveloped me. His hands came around my waist, pulling me closer to him, his legs bent, knees up on either side of me. I laid my head back against his shoulder, reveling in the comfort of being in his arms despite the circumstances. This was the perfect way to reconnect after being apart.

We sat in silence, neither one of us talking. I knew he wasn't up for it so I didn't push him. I was hoping this would be soothing enough, helping to ease him somewhat after the stressful 72 hours he had endured.

I felt his lips press onto my neck in a delicate kiss, sending a shiver to erupt through me. It was loving and so gentle that my heart was fighting to beat out of my chest for him. That's how we spent the next hour in the tub - lightly caressing each other in an innocent manner. There was nothing sexual about it. But even with that said, his kisses still felt resistant, held back and I was struggling to figure out why. He claimed he 'needed' me so would it be irrational to fear he would leave me? Honestly, at this point, I wasn't sure what to expect from him anymore.

Ultimately, conversation began. He was the first to speak and I hadn't realized how concerned I had been with the silence till he uttered that first sentence and relief washed over me. Our talk was brief, skimming over trivial topics, nothing of essence and I went along, keeping him in his comfort. There was plenty to discuss but now was not the time.

We eventually got out of the tub when the water became too cold to endure. We dried each other off which he was really sweet about, got dressed and walked back to his room. It shouldn't have surprised me but I watched as he grabbed the bottle of vodka that was sitting on his bed side table and he took a long swig. A couple actually. He grunted a little as he swallowed, his eyes shut tight.

He glanced up at me then and held the bottle out to me, offering me a drink. I shook my head in the negative. I had to drive home anyways soon. Glancing at my watch I saw it was already hitting seven.

The rest of week went by pretty much the same where Edward was concerned. He arrived at school Monday morning in an old pair of ragged jeans and a navy hoodie which he had the hood up over his head. Underneath he had his beanie on. It felt like he was hiding. He wore that damned hoodie and beanie all week.

When I saw his eyes that morning, they were bloodshot and a little glassy so I knew he had hit the drugs again. My heart sank even though it should have been no surprise to me. But by close observation I knew it was only the weed and not the coke. After leaving his place Sunday night at midnight I sat till the early hours of the morning in my room on my computer, studying the affects of coke long term and short term. I needed to know what I was dealing with and what to expect and I was glad I did because one inspection of his eyes and I knew he was safe.

The distance continued throughout the week. Not just with me but with everyone. He spoke when he was spoken to or needed to. He sort of just crawled into himself. He was snappy, more so than usual, which meant that he was prone to fights, just like he had been when he first arrived in Forks. There were a lot of similarities to the way he was when he first arrived from Seattle. It was like going back to Seattle had reset him. Everything he had accomplished and changed while here in Forks was erased, never to have existed. It was distressing.

Wednesday afternoon after school he met me at his car with a swollen and cut lip. I gasped when I saw him knowing straight away it was the result of a fight.

"I don't want to hear it." He'd said coldly as he approached me, obviously in relation to my shocked expression. I glanced over at Emmett when I saw him trailing closely behind him. He rolled his eyes at me but despite the nonchalance at which he was portraying to the matter I could see the concern swimming blatantly in his eyes. I mirrored that concern.

It turned out it was nothing major. Edward had misunderstood an insult from James that was meant for someone else, some guy named Jason. Thinking it was for him, Edward had lunged at James without hesitation, punching him right in the eye. James managed to get a hit back at Edward, hence the cut lip before Jasper cut in and broke it up.

The fight hadn't attracted much attention as it occurred in the gym locker room after most of the guys had left, so the school authorities had no knowledge of it. Lucky for Edward.

By Friday, he seemed a little better. And by a little better I meant he was participating in conversation and communicating with everyone normally again. He was still snappy and short fused but that wasn't so much a concern to me. But despite all that, you could still feel the anger and hurt pulsating off of him in waves. It wasn't something that was going to heal over night that was for sure. It was just something we had to work on.

The afternoons I'd spend with him after school he wouldn't hit the weed and according to Emmett he was only subjecting himself to alcohol… "a shit load of it," were his exact words.

Saturday morning I found myself in his room just hanging out like we had always done before Thanksgiving. Except Edward was laying in bed, his forearm thrown over his eyes he tried to get some rest after, according to him, was another sleepless night. I glanced over at him from my place on his leather couch where I was supposed to be watching TV. But the only watching I was doing was at Edward. He was in a pair of torn jeans and a simple black t-shirt, his chaotic mess of copper hair framing his face that was covered in 3 days worth of facial hair. To say grooming hadn't been a part of his daily routine in the past week would be an understatement.

It was an hour later that I gave up. I raised myself from my comfortable position on the couch and crawled into bed beside Edward. I lay on my side and threw an arm around his waist and tugged him close to me. In response, he removed his forearm from over his eyes and turned his head to look at me with sleepy eyes.

"Hey," I whispered smiling lightly.

"Hey," he responded, his voice thick with sleep. He turned to face me and pulled me closer to him as his eyes focused on mine.

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked.

"A little." He mumbled. I wanted to kiss him, desperately. His greeting this morning when I arrived was like it had been throughout the past week - a quick resistant peck, and I was beginning to panic. The sheer thought of losing him was too much for me to fathom. It was becoming frustrating because I wanted my Edward back - the Edward that loved to kiss and cuddle and never hesitated to express his feelings through actions.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. He responded immediately, moving his lips with mine slowly. That he always did. I savored the moment not wanting to ruin it yet so I fisted my hand into the mess that was his hair and tugged him against my mouth harder. He moaned lightly, obliging with no trepidation, his hand grabbing onto my hip and pulling me against me. I let my tongue dart out and brush over his lip wanting to push him because this was where he'd always pull away. And just like I had anticipated, he pulled back. I sat still trying to fight back the sting of rejection.

I tried smiling to hide the hurt I was feeling by his actions as he gazed at me. But obviously I wasn't trying hard enough.

"What's wrong?" He asked, furrowing his brows at me.

"Nothing." I responded with a shake of my head. "Could you just… kiss me again?" I pleaded in a whisper. He looked a little taken aback by my request probably wondering what was going on with me. I felt a little guilty requesting this from him, knowing he was fighting his own demons but maybe it would be a way to encourage him to open up to me.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine and there it was again, the resistance. He kissed me slowly before he pulled back again, searching my eyes for my reaction.

"Is there is a reason you're holding back?" I murmured, staring at his chest as I picked at the fabric of his shirt. I was afraid to meet his eyes. When he didn't answer right away, I chanced a glance into his eyes and was surprised at the anger I saw flickering in them. I instantly felt a surge of guilt wash over me.

Now is not the time to be needy, Bella.

He let of go of me slowly and sat himself up in bed, resting his elbows on his bended knees and cradling his head into his hands.

"I'm sorry." I apologized quickly realizing I was just making matters worse for him. I sat myself up, kneeled behind him and wrapped my arms around his neck. Leaning my cheek onto his back, I insatiably inhaled that sharp musky smell of his cologne mixed with the slight tinge of cigarettes. His back felt so warm and firm against my chest as I pressed myself to him further, never wanting to let go. All I wanted to do was just comfort him as best I could.

"It's nothing fucking personal." He sighed irritably. "And don't fucking apologize." He groaned. "What have I always told you about that shit?" he asked lifting his head from his hands and glancing at me over his shoulder. I chose to take that as a rhetorical question so I remained silent. He let out a gust of air through his cheeks and I could tell he was struggling to compose himself.

"Tell me." I whispered into his ear. I didn't need to elaborate about what exactly, he knew. "I'm here."

"You might not be after I confess all my shit to you." He replied dejectedly. "I don't want to hurt you, Bella." He whispered.

I released my arms from their hold around his neck and maneuvered my way around until I was kneeling in front of him.

"Hey, you can't keep pushing me away." I pleaded as the fracture in my heart began to weave its way through as I witnessed the blatant pain swimming behind those emerald eyes of his.

"You'll be pushing me away when you hear what I have to say." He replied with a slight shake of his head as he shut his eyes tight and clenched his jaw.

"I'd never push you away." I said firmly, placing my hands on his knees, desperate for some kind of contact. "and you're just pushing me away by not telling me." He opened his eyes slowly as they met mine, my heart clenched at the sight of his anguish, the poison that was eating away at his heart.

"I'm a monster Bella. I'm not someone that deserves your sympathy."

"How about you let me decide that for myself." I pushed. His eyes seemed to soften momentarily at my comment before the anguish and struggle took over again.

"I made a mistake Bella. A very fucked up mistake that was all my fault and had the repercussions that I'm going to have live with for the rest of my life." He began and I couldn't help but wince at the sound of the self hatred that was oozing out of his voice. I fought back the tears of watching him suffer before me and feeling absolutely hopeless to do anything about it. This was just beginning, I hadn't even heard what he had to say yet and I was already about to crumble right along with him.

His eyes dropped to my hand that still lay atop one of his knees. He slowly raised his hand and covered mine with it, his fingers delicately gliding over my knuckles a few times. I turned my hand over so that my palm was facing up and watched in rapt attention as his slender fingers continued to brush over my skin, up to my wrist, as tender as a butterfly and then back down to my palm. I was biting my lip, desperately holding back the urge to moan and the need I suddenly felt to express my love to him. But now was most certainly not the time.

Keeping his eyes focused on our hands, he entwined our fingers, locking them together and giving my hand a little squeeze as he let them rest on his knee. His eyes never faltered away when he spoke.

"Peter…" he let out a shaky breath before he was able to continue, his voice quiet, "Peter was my best friend. Much like you and Jacob, since we were kids, at the age of eight. We were the best of friends. Yeah, we had our occasional fights and arguments but we were like brothers. He was a good kid... respectful and polite, never screwed anyone over…" he drifted off and I got the sense that that somehow hit a nerve. But he seemed to compose himself quickly and continued, his voice sounding almost void of any emotion suddenly.

"When my mother passed away he was there for me, he was like a third son to her so her… death… hit him hard. That was when I started fucking up, drinking, taking drugs. I was fifteen Bella." He shook his head as if in disgust with himself but I just tightened my hand in his, encouraging him to keep going.

"He'd smoke the occasional joint with me but always lectured me about my excessive drug use. It was my only way to help deal with the pain of losing my mother… six months after her death and I was just as fucked as I was when she first passed. I didn't handle it well at all, Carlisle tried everything to help me, offered therapy but I stubbornly refused. The drugs started really fucking with me, I was starting fights at school, my grades were dropping. My relationship with Carlisle was slowly deteriorating as a result.

"A mutual friend of mine and Peter's was having a birthday party one night. And by that point Peter had just started dating this girl, Charlotte. They'd been dating for about two months. She was a good girl, she deserved him." He paused for a second, as if recollecting his thoughts before he continued in that same quiet voice.

"I got drunk at this party, I'd take up any excuse to drink and forget my pathetic existence." He said with a dark chuckle that sent a shiver down my spine. "Charlotte also had a bit to drink but she was still coherent. We somehow ended up in a room together alone, one thing led to another… I fucked her. I fucked my best friend's girl." He seemed to be waiting for my reaction, but I all I did was raise our entwined hands and give a soft kiss to the back of his hand. That seemed to give him the encouragement he needed to continue.

"The guilt that ate away at me after I'd realized what I'd done was too much to bear. Charlotte was worse off than me. We agreed not to tell him, it would have destroyed him. But Charlotte eventually caved, unable to hide it from him any longer. He stormed into my house one afternoon and went off at me, calling me fucked in the head, an addict who had absolutely no respect for anybody. He was right, I didn't take offense to it because everything he said was right but it still stung to hear the truth.

"I couldn't live with myself till I somehow made it up to him, till I got his forgiveness even though I didn't deserve it. He and charlotte were still together but it wasn't the same as before. Peter blamed me and I didn't argue. I was completely responsible.

"I needed to talk to Peter and apologize, somehow make it up to him. One night I called him and asked to meet up, to give me a chance to explain. But because of my behavior around that time, I was grounded after initiating a fight at school. Carlisle took my car away and I wasn't allowed to leave the house unless it was for school. So when Carlisle found out I was going out to meet up with Peter that night, he wouldn't let me leave, arguing that if I really needed to talk to Peter then he would have to come over to see me." He paused before he whispered, "I'll never forgive him for that decision." He went quiet and I waited for him to continue but the silence just dragged on. I could feel tears welling in my eyes but I fought them back, he needed me to be strong for him. I could feel what was coming, it was obvious. Before I could continue that thought he continued.

"He died at the end of my street. A driver crossed through a 'Stop' sign at full speed and crashed right into Peter in the middle of the intersection, sending him right into a telegraph pole.

"I was in my room pacing, waiting for him when I heard the sirens. Carlisle, Emmett and I bolted out of the house and to the scene of the accident. Bella…" my name came out in a whisper. "I knew it was him… before I even saw anything, something was nagging me, telling he was there. But when I saw his car… or what was left of his car, I lost it. I could hear him fucking screaming…" his grip on my hand tightened. Incredibly so that it was starting to hurt but I ignored it, wanting him to just let it all out.

"He died two days later." He concluded, his tone indicating the finality of his confession. My eyes drifted closed with those final pained words. I was struggling to keep my emotions from bubbling to the surface, I couldn't fall apart in front of him, that would just break him. Taking a deep breath, I let my eyes open, a little terrified of what I might witness. His head was dropped in front of him, his eyes stubbornly fixated to his lap as locks of his hair dangled forward, covering his eyes from my view.

"Look at me, Edward." I demanded quietly, fighting back the fraught that was weighing me down. When he ignored me, I released my hand from his and climbed into his lap, so that I had my legs on either side of him. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and wrapped my arms tightly around him. He remained frozen at first before his hands slowly made their way to my waist where he tugged me against him as far as I'd go. His fingers of one hand found their way into my hair, grasping the back of my head while his other hand wrapped around my waist, holding me to him. We were crushed against each other in a death-like grip, neither one of us willing to let go of the other.

"I'm sorry, baby," I murmured. "But it wasn't your fault-"

"No!" I jumped at his outburst, startled. I let my arms fall from around his neck gingerly as I pulled back just enough to look into his eyes. I gasped lightly when I saw his eyes rimmed red with unshed tears, a myriad of emotions swimming in them as he stared back at me.

"Yes, it was my fault! I killed him and he fucking died loathing me! I never got to apologize, never got to fucking make things right between us..." He choked on the last word, stopping abruptly with a growl in frustration.

"Hey, hey…" I said cradling his face with my hands and forcing his pained gaze to meet mine. "He knew you were sorry. He knew the struggle you were going through with losing your mum. It was the drugs that made you… do what you did, not you." I tried to explain meekly.

"It doesn't make what I did ok." He gritted out, his eyes burning with anger. "My best friend died hating my fucking guts." I stared at him, my heart twisting at the crumbling Edward before me. There was nothing I could say or do to help him. Not now, at least. He was carrying this burden of blame and guilt and it was just eating away at him like cancer.

"Baby," I began, trying to keep my voice steady. "You may have not had the chance to apologize, but his death was not your fault." I pleaded in a whisper for his understanding. "You can't keep taking the blame, no good will ever come of that."

He struggled to contain his composure, I could tell and for a while all we did was stare at each other - all concept of time completely forgotten. My heart was thrashing violently within my chest and in the silence of his room it sounded louder than ever.

He snapped out of it first, the force of his words startling me. "The doors behind you." He said miserably. "Why don't you just leave now while you still can." His gaze turned into one of loneliness and anguish as he looked away. Even though I knew he was upset and he didn't really mean it, it still hurt to hear.

With a shake of my head I replied, "I'm not going anywhere… you know that." He shook his head as if unbelieving of my words but said nothing. I threaded my fingers through his hair as silence once again engulfed us. I knew he just needed time to gather his thoughts, reign in his emotions. This was a struggle for him and I needed to give him that freedom to just express it all to me at his own pace.

"I saw Charlotte." He spoke into the silence, raising his head till his eyes met mine, my fingers slipping out of his hair in the process.

"That's what triggered…" I drifted off at the nod of his head.

"She got into Cocaine after it happened… and booze. She struggled with the guilt just as bad as I did. She felt the responsibility of his death just like I did. But the one difference is…" his locked his eyes with mine, I was unable to look away from the sheer intensity projecting from them. "She got to apologize." His words hung in the air, lingering with their weight. Those four simple words were loaded. That was his main struggle and I knew it, the fact that he never got to say sorry for his actions.

"Is she still… on the drugs?" I asked afraid to hear the answer.

"When I saw her last week she said she was off that stuff now. She drinks occasionally but it seems she's also cut back a hell of a lot on the booze too." He paused for a moment before he said, "She's just recently started therapy." I couldn't help but notice the tinge of envy in his voice.

Help…

That was what he envied.

"Why don't you consider therapy?" I asked trying to keep my voice suggesting and not demanding.

"They'll just fuck with me, Bella. That's what they do, fuck with people's heads. Please, I don't need another Carlisle so don't waist your energy on trying to convince me otherwise." He said a little too harshly.

"Ok." I agreed quickly not wanting to add to his anxiety. "I understand. It was just a suggestion."

He let out a long unsteady breath, "I don't deserve your sympathy and understanding, Bella." He said, his voice hoarse with his struggle to stay composed. I brought my hands up and cupped his face, forcing his gaze to meet mine.

"What can I say or do to make you see that I'm not going anywhere? I'm here to stay and you can keep pushing me away all you want but I'm just stubbornly going to ignore your pleas." The side of his mouth threatened to curl up into a smile but it didn't quite make it. I could see the relief my words had brought him, but the tenderness of the situation was still there.

"I lost two of the most important people in my life within six months…"

"It'll take time Edward… everything does." I explained. I remembered his tattoo, so I let go of his face and reached for the sleeve of his t-shirt and pulled up the sleeve till it bunched around his shoulder. I made him turn his arm slightly so that we could clearly see the inside of his bicep… "Never give up." I whispered.

"Never give up." He repeated meeting his eyes with mine.

"You'll heal but it'll take time. Nothing comes easy but we're in this together." I said with all the compassion I could muster.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" He uttered softly, raising his hand and cupping one side of my face before his lips found mine. His lips were soft and tender but it wasn't reserved like all the others had been… not in the slightest. This kiss was passionate and zealous and I struggled to contain myself with the sheer intensity of it. His other hand soon reached up and cupped the other side of my head as his tongue darted out to meet mine. There was no urgency in the kiss, it was just slow and passionate with promise of so much. His fingers weaved their way through my hair as he kissed me with need. If it were even possible I could feel the pain that had surrounded us only moments ago slowly evaporating. We surrendered to the raw emotion that was now coursing through us as the kiss grew vehement. I feared letting go, terrified that the sour melancholy mood that was lingering before would wash over us again as soon as we pull away. But Edward wasn't ready to let go just yet, deepening the kiss even more than I thought were possible. It was the most intense kiss I had ever experienced in my life.

Eventually we did pull back, the both of us gasping for air, our foreheads resting on each other.

"Sorry, that was… just… fuck." He struggled to explain through his rapid breaths, pulling back just enough for his eyes to meet mine. I smiled softly at him, pressing a soft chaste kiss to his lips again. "I can't believe you're still here." He breathed in disbelief.

"It's where I'll always be."

Like it? Hate it? Let me know...

Remember to follow me on Twitter for lotsa crazy times! And also because I post teasers on there in between updates... link is on my profile.

See you all next time...