Wednesday 21st August 2019
Blaine
I roll over onto my side and with a defeated sigh grab my phone from the bedside table, unlocking it quickly and momentarily squinting at its shocking brightness before I'm able to focus on the time. It's 2.48 am. On Ava's fourth birthday. And I'm officially freaking out.
Admittedly, there's no reason for me to freak out, or to even be the slightest bit stressed. Everything's organised and arranged, mostly thanks to Kurt and his secret love of planning events, even if it is a child's birthday party. Although I do like to think I've been instrumental in the most important decisions, like choosing the colour of the bouncy castle for example. But everything else has been down to Kurt.
I tried to help, I actually wanted to help, but whenever I tried to take the phone from him or peer into the little folder he allowed Ava to decorate in Disney Princess stickers, he'd affectionately bat my hand away and just smile at me, eyes shining with happiness. So, thanks to Kurt, invites have been sent, the bouncy castle's hired, a party outfit has been picked out and is hanging pre-ironed on the back of Ava's bedroom door. My fridge and freezer are full of party food, various bottles of juice and fizzy drinks have been stacked in one corner of the kitchen and a good portion of my own bedroom is taken up by a cardboard box full of pink and purple decorations. Balloons to be blown up, silver streamers, pink cardboard plates and cups with silver stars all over them and a shiny silver table cover.
"The rest's in my spare room, I'll bring it over in the morning," Kurt told me when he left earlier this evening.
"The rest!" I half yelled, eyebrows shooting up in shock as I tried to think of anything he hasn't already filled the corners of my home with.
"Yeah, don't look so scared Blaine," he'd laughed, leaning forward to kiss me lightly before pulling the door open to leave. "Trust me," were his final words as with a bright smile and light wave he disappeared down the street.
And I do trust him; emphatically. I just don't trust myself to follow the morning schedule he's set me. After one particularly panicked afternoon of party planning he wrote me a list of what to do before he arrived, even being thoughtful enough to write down how long each task should take. I scoffed at him at first, but that scrap of paper now lies like a bible beside my bed, ready for me to hold like a life line until he arrives at 10am.
I sigh again as I roll onto my back, phone still in hand as my finger hovers over Kurt's name. I really shouldn't ring him, he'll be sarcastic and grumpy and his voice will be rough with sleep. I smile as I press his name, realising that I like sarcastic, grumpy, sleepy Kurt much more than I probably should.
I hold the phone to my ear as it rings and rings, almost clicking over to voice mail before he answers, voice unmistakably irritated and deep, almost gravely, "what?"
My eyes fall shut as I smile; god, I love him so much. "Hi," is all I say in response, unable to keep the grin from infesting my voice. He replies with a muffled groan as I imagine him rolling onto his side, snuggling deeper beneath the cover. I imagine the warmth that surrounds him, contrasting with the other half of his bed which remains undisturbed; cold and empty. I automatically glance over at the empty side of my bed and wish he was here, soft and warm and reassuring as I struggle to sleep. "Did I wake you?" I ask, grinning from ear to ear.
"Yes," he replies starkly, offering nothing more to the conversation.
So for a moment we both lie in silence, phones pressed hot against our ears as we listen to the breathing of our lover who lies no more than five miles away, and yet five miles too far. "I miss you," I whisper eventually.
I feel more than hear him smile before he replies, "I miss you too. Although, we only saw each other what… four hours ago?"
I laugh lightly, grinning up at my ceiling as I respond, "Four hours is too long,"
"I couldn't agree more," I open my eyes and sigh, my mind already calmed just by hearing his voice. "Was there a point to this call? Or did you just want to wake me?" he asks. I hear the laughter in his voice.
"Just…" I shrug, even though I know he can't see me, "wanted to hear your voice I suppose," I finally admit, having no other excuse but the truth.
There's a pause, no longer than a heartbeat but a pause none the less as he realises what's wrong, "you're worrying aren't you?"
I hesitate before answering, "yes."
He sighs dramatically, "I've told you; there is nothing at allto worry about. It'll be the… children's birthday party of the year, I assure you."
"But what if people don't come?"
"Blaine… we're offering free food and a bouncy castle. Most of the parents are probably looking forward to this just as much as their kids."
I laugh because he's right. "Thanks," I smile as I press the phone closer to my ear, his voice having to suffice when really I want nothing more than the heat of his skin against mine, "I'm sorry for waking you."
"I expect you to make it up to me in full next time we're alone," he replies somewhat flirtatiously, although I can hear the yawn he is stifling and the tiny hum which accompanies it.
"I will. Goodnight, I love you," I say, unable to resist smiling into the darkness of the night.
"Love you too," he whispers, his voice already noticeably drowsy and slow. I hang up, place my phone back on my bedside table and as those three words repeat like a lullaby in my head my mind is overcome with sleep.
/
Standing in the doorway looking out over my back garden I smile. The sun is high in the sky and shining blissfully bright and hot, the sky is a clear blue and for once in my life I'm on schedule. The bouncy castle people have arrived and are currently setting it up, a fold away table has been put up outside, decorated and full of most the food Kurt had prepared the night before while the inside table strains under the weight of what looks like a years worth of juice and lemonade. Streamers hang from the tables and the railing which runs the length of the decking, chairs from inside have been moved outside and various blankets decorate the grass for the children to sit on.
I hear the slamming of a car door followed by high pitched laughter. Kurt,I think as my heart rate increases automatically. I turn and rush to the front door, swinging it open quickly as Ava rushes up behind me, sprinting past me and towards Kurt. He's just finished unloading his stuff from the taxi he's arrived in, handing the driver the money before turning at the sound of the door opening, a smile already creasing his face, eyes squinting slightly in the sun before he leans down and swoops Ava up into his arms, swinging her high above his head as she giggles loudly, her sparkling purple dress flowing behind her before he brings her down and squeezes tightly before leaning back to smile widely at her.
"Is it someone's birthday today?" he asks her, unable to keep the wide grin off his face. She giggles again and nods, dark curls bouncing either side of her face. "Is it my birthday?" he asks feigning ignorance, she laughs even louder, shaking her head as he moves her to sit on one of his hips, reaching behind himself with his free hand to pick up a glittery silver gift bag which lays just out of her sight. "Is it yourbirthday?" he finally asks. Her laughter is loud and high pitched, eyes shining in the sun as she nods enthusiastically, her little hands reaching forward to hold his face as he laughs back, her tiny body wriggling excitably in his arms. "Well then I guess this must be yours," he tells her as he pulls the bag around and holds it up for her.
She squeals and lunges forwards, arms outstretched and flailing wildly as she tries to take it from him. I make my way towards them, grinning as I discretely take in what Kurt's wearing. Light blue skin tight jeans which cling to his thighs and the muscles of his calves, a loose, pale cream t-shirt which blends so well with his skin that it's almost impossible to see where his skin ends and the fabric begins, and a pair of cream, suede brogues, an inch of white sock just visible. Over his shoulder is a beige leather messenger bag, and hanging from that a black and cream scarf covered in very recognisable skulls. I can't help but wonder whether he owns anything that isn't designer.
When I reach them I delicately reach my hand out and press it against the small of his back, Ava is too distracted to notice as he turns and smiles down at me, the corners of his eyes wrinkling slightly.
"Not yet Ava," I tell her, stepping around her flailing arms to take the bag from Kurt. He releases it and presses a quick kiss to her forehead as she frowns at me, her bottom lip sticking out as she stops fidgeting and glares at me.
"Why not? It's my birthday!" she says, using the same excuse she used this morning when she decided she wanted chocolate pancakes and chocolate milkshake for breakfast.
"You get your presents when all the guests arrive," I tell her with a smile, ruffling her hair lightly as Kurt puts her down. She just scowls and stomps dramatically back into the house. I hear Kurt laugh as I turn to face him. I roll my eyes before turning to all the stuff he's brought with him, "What… what isall of this?" I ask in shock.
"Just some last minute stuff," he smiles, turning with his hands on his hips to face the bags.
"What is that!" I ask, my eyes catching on a gas canister stood amongst the bags.
"Helium," he replies.
"Helium?"
Kurt pauses as he looks at me, head cocking minutely to the side before he replies, "For the balloons," he tells me slowly. I make a tiny 'oh' noise, nodding dumbly because really… what else would he bring helium for? "You're just too perfect sometimes," he tells me, stepping forward with a wide grin on his face before wrapping his long arms securely around my neck.
I blush and lean into him. "I've had a stressful morning, it's not my fault I'm not thinking completely logically," I reply, unable to wipe the smile from my face as my hands fall naturally against his slim waist, slowly curling around his body to press us flush against one another. He laughs above me before leaning down, his lips pressing against mine in one of the sweetest, most delicate kisses I've ever experienced. Groaning I slide my tongue along his bottom lip, his arms tightening around me almost imperceptibly as his lips part, tongue slowly lapping against my own before tickling the roof of my mouth, making me gasp and desperately press closer.
He chuckles as he pulls away, licking his lips as he steps back, straightening his top and readjusting the bag on his shoulder before smirking at me through thick lashes. I smile back, unable to resist the pull of his oceanic eyes, and just as I step towards him again, one arm lifting to cup his cheek, a shout emanates from deep within the house, "Da-ad!"
I screw my eyes shut, hand just resting against his now flushed cheek, warm beneath my palm as I sigh and turn around. "Wha-at!" I shout back, mirroring her exasperated tone. She doesn't reply. I shake my head as I turn back to Kurt who's silently laughing, grinning so wide I can see his gums. I lean up onto my tiptoes quickly, catching him off guard as I kiss his smile, hand quickly moving around to the nape of his neck, weaving into his soft hair as he kisses back forcefully, his own hands grabbing at my hips as he sucks the breath from my lungs.
"Da-ad!" She shouts again, far louder than before, and as always I'm shocked that a little girl of her size and adorableness can scream quite so loud. I practically growl as I pull away from Kurt and turn towards home.
"What Ava!" I shout back, moving to stand in the doorway, glancing down the hall into the kitchen to see where she is. She appears at the top of the stairs, frowning as she looks down at me, still pouting as I raise my eyebrows, expecting her to speak when instead she just stands in silence, watching me with furious eyes. "Why did you shout me?" I finally ask, moving to stand at the bottom of the stairs.
"You were mean to me," she says, chubby little arms folding moodily in front of her.
"No I wasn't," I reply, replaying what's just happened in my head to see if I had been mean.
"You were, by not let me have my present," she finally says, and I watch as tears well in her hazel eyes. Struggling to hold back a smile I slowly climb the stairs to her, stopping a few from the top so we're face to face.
"I told you before Kurt got here that all your presents would be saved until later sweetie," I tell her kindly, holding my hand out for her to take.
She looks me over, her eyes darting briefly to my hand before locking again on my own. I watch as her chest swells with a deep breath before she sighs; defeated. "But…" she begins to argue, "I didn't know that counted Kurty's also," she says quietly, her head falling to one side as she pouts again, wiping at her eyes with the back of one hand.
"Of course that counts for Kurt too, why wouldn't it?" I question, moving up another step before sitting sideways on the one just below where she's stood, turning to smile at her.
"Well because Kurty's not like the other people coming," she says, moving to sit on the step above mine, her bare feet resting against my thigh where it's bent onto the step, her hands fiddling with the ruffles of her dress.
"How do you mean Av?" I ask, pushing her long hair over her shoulder so I can see her face.
"Well he's always here with us. I thought his present would count like yours does 'cause I got to open yours straight away and then because he's here all the time… I mean, not so much as you because you live here, but Kurty is here lots so I thought I could open it when he got here," she admits in one long breath, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as if trying to work out how she's got it so wrong.
"Do you mind Kurt being around lots?" I ask her, figuring it's the perfect time to ask.
Her head shoots around to look at me, eyes brimming with emotion as she shakes her head frantically. "No… No I don't mind him being here lots. I love Kurty, even when he refuses to paint with me when he's wearing his fancy clothes and then that time when he spilt his drink on my yellow bear and she had to go in the spinning machine," she's shaking her head disapprovingly, and in that moment she reminds me so much of her mother that my heart swells with love and sorrow.
I smile at her, stroking her hair back from her face and wiping away the tears which have welled in her eyes. "Good. Because hopefully, Kurt will be around for a long time, if you're okay with that?" I ask, needing to hear how she feels about what I'm hoping is inevitable, because her happiness will always be the most important thing to me. Far more important than my own.
She sniffles slightly, holding onto my shoulder with a tiny hand as she steadies herself and stands up, leaning down slightly to ruffle the layers of her dress before smiling at me with wide, sparkling, hopeful eyes. "I'm okay with that," she finally says. I grin widely and move to stand up, holding my hand out for her to take as we descend the stairs, my heart swelling with happiness because I finally know for sure that Ava is happy with Kurt being around. As her soft hand slips into my own and our feet fall into step together she speaks again, her voice determined, "but, if Kurty is going to be with us forevers can we pleasefind him some painting clothes? 'Cause then he has no excuse to not paint with me," my heart skips a beat at the mention of 'forever' with Kurt before I begin to laugh, glancing down to grin at her as she watches where she walks.
"Of course we can," I say as we reach the bottom step, she looks up at me and smiles contently before jumping off the final step, her grip automatically tightening on my hand as I steady her as she lands.
It's only when we reach the bottom step and turn towards the kitchen that I notice Kurt has moved all the stuff in from outside. He's stood with oven mitts on as he removes food from the oven before slipping more in and quickly rearranging the temperature dial. He hears us approaching and glances up, smiling as we walk towards him. I notice the silver gift bag sat on top of the table, teetering on the edge against a bottle of lemonade.
"Okay Av, you can have Kurt's present early," I say, giving in because what she's said is true. Kurt isn't just a guest, he's Kurt,and what I haven't realised is he isn't just another 'grown-up' to Ava; she see him as herfriend too. He plays with her dolls with her and admires her sparkly clothes, he bakes cupcakes and holds her tiny hands in his while he shows her how to ice them. He laughs at her jokes and sneakily buys her nail polish which he thinks I don't notice.
Her head shoots round to look at me, eyes wide and glassy with surprise, lips falling open as if to question me before she stops herself, instead squealing in delight, a noise so high pitched it makes my ears ring as she runs to the table and grabs the bag with greedy, insistent fingers.
Kurt smiles just as widely as he slips the gloves from his hands and leans back against the kitchen counter, he catches my eye and his smile grows, the corners of his eyes crinkling as the sun streams through the window and lights up his face.
Ava is oblivious to our shared smiles as she delves into the bag, both arms sinking in right up to her under arms, and it almost looks like she's going to dive in until she pulls out a present wrapped in Disney Princess paper. She squeals again, hands squeezing tight before unceremoniously ripping the paper apart, her eyes wide and frantic as from within the paper falls a bundle of fabric. Kurt and I are laughing as with an excitable scream she scrambles to pick it up, hands furiously working to right it and hold it up.
She gasps as she finally holds it up the right way. It's a white dress with pink polka dots, a small collar with a bow to one side; pleats decorate the front and cause the hem to flare at the bottom while a small belt ties around the middle with a golden clasp. She holds it against herself, twirling to face Kurt as the fabric swirls behind her. She's grinning from ear to ear as she looks up at him, her cheeks slightly flushed and hair ruffled, breathing somewhat erratic before she throws herself at him, arms clasping around his legs as the dress gets crushed beneath her.
"Thank you Kurty, it's so pretty, I love it, it my favouritest. I love it!" She shouts into his trousers, squeezing him even tighter before he reaches down to lift her in his arms. She cuddles into him and continues to smile slightly manically as she presses a wet, happy kiss to his cheek, squealing again as she holds the dress at arms length to admire it. That's when I notice the label on the hem of the neck; he wouldn't… would he? I take a step forward to try and get a better look, but Ava moves, draping it over her arm before squeezing Kurt tightly again and rocking excitably in his arms, and for the first time I notice his reaction. He's smiling just as widely; he's ecstatic, revelling in her joy. And then Ava says something neither of us expect, something which seems to slip from her lips without so much as a second thought, "I love you Kurty," she tells him, burying her head into the crook of his shoulder as her arms weave tighter around his neck, eyes falling closed.
My eyes dart up to meet Kurt's, who for a fraction of a second looks startled, before a slow smile spreads across his features and his eyes begin to sparkle and I can almost see as a part of his heart breaks off and fixes itself to Ava's.
"I love you too," he tells her, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "and I'm glad you like your present."
Just then we are interrupted by the guy's who'd been putting up the bouncy castle. They tell us it's all set up and they'll be back later to collect it before outlining the rules for what feels like the hundredth time. I smile, nod and thank them and before long they've disappeared. Ava gives Kurt one last squeeze before wriggling from his grasp and darting out the back door and straight onto the bouncy castle. I watch as she runs and jumps, dark hair dancing around her face as she smiles with the innocence only a child has.
Slowly I turn my attention back to Kurt who's smiling to himself as he folds the dress and places it on the table. He doesn't realise I'm watching until he looks up. My heart flutters as his smile widens when he looks at me, stepping towards me before with a quick glance outside to make sure Ava is thoroughly distracted, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him. I sigh as his lips fall against my exposed collarbone and my hands automatically grasp his waist, holding him against me as my eyes fall shut and he languidly kisses up my neck and along my jaw before finally pressing against my lips. I moan shamefully loudly because fucking helldoes he know how to use his tongue as he forces my lips open and licks teasingly slowly against my own, his hands burrowing into my hair and causing a shiver to race down my spine as he groans between my lips.
"K-Kurt," I stutter his name against his lips and feel as he smiles and presses forward, deepening the kiss as one hand tugs at my hair and the other ghosts over the muscles of my arm. "Kurt," I repeat his name, forcing my hands between us and pushing him lightly away. He takes the hint and steps away, both of us automatically glancing outside. But Ava is still blissfully unaware, running and jumping into the walls of the bouncy castle with increasingly louder giggles. "What… what was that for?" I manage to ask, pausing to catch my breath because he really is an extraordinarily good kisser.
"I was distracting you," he says with a wry smile and a shrug. That's when I remember the tag on Ava's dress and my eyes instantly fall on it. I walk over and picking it up turn it until the label faces upwards. My heart sinks.
"Kurt…" I begin, turning back to face him only to see he's facing away from me, peeking into the oven, the fabric of his t-shirt riding up slightly as he leans down, the dimples at the base of his spine just visible.
"Stop," he says, and for a moment I think I've been caught in the act of visibly gawping, until I realise he's actually telling me to stop talking
"Stop what?" I ask, watching the nodules of his spine move beneath thin, creamy fabric.
"I don't want to have this argument," he says, closing the oven door and turning back around to face me.
"What argument?" Since when are we arguing?
"The whole 'I'm serious Kurt, it's too much money. You should take it back, please take it back' argument," he replies, dipping his head from side to side as he puts on a slightly deeper voice which I can only assume is meant to be me.
"You don't know that's what I was going to say," I reply, holding back a smile.
"Well… weren't you?" he asks, arms crossing defensively in front of him.
I hesitate, "… okay fine, yes, I was; but only because it's true. I don't even want to know how much this cost," I say, holding the dress up, "but it's far, fartoo much Kurt! It's beautiful but she's four, she doesn't need designer clothes."
"I didn't get her it because it's Gucci. I got her it because I knew she'd love it. And it wasn't all that much," he replies, uncrossing his arms and walking towards me. He laughs at my incredulous expression before continuing, "I'm serious, it really wasn't, and it was worth every penny for that reaction."
"But-" I try to argue, positive that it would have cost a lot more than he's making out.
"Don't," he stops me with a finger against my parted lips. "I got her it because I knew she'd love it and because I wanted to make her happy and because I love her, and if that's not a good enough reason to spoil someone then I don't know what is," he tells me defiantly, eyes darting between my lips and eyes before he turns and walks away, heading towards the bags which still lay unpacked on the floor.
I decide to let it go, knowing him well enough that he won't listen to a word I say anyway. So instead I follow after him, quickly slipping my arms around his waist from behind, dragging him back until he's flush against me, my feet coming to rest either side of his, his back warm against my chest. "Does this mean I can spoil you?" I whisper in his ear. His head falls back to rest on my shoulder as he laces his hands with mine which cling to his body.
"Mmhm…" he mumbles as I suck gently on the curve between his neck and shoulder, darting my tongue out to trace behind his ear before sucking the lobe between my teeth, I watch as his eyes stutter closed and his lips fall into an easy smile. Then suddenly he turns in my arms until we're chest to chest and his eyes are trained on my lips as he licks his own and speaks, "you already sp-"
I kiss him forcefully, cutting him off midsentence as my need to taste him overwhelms me, and as much as I love to hear his voice, sometimes I just love to hear him moan more. He gasps, sucking the air from my lungs as he presses hungrily back, hands fisting the fabric of my shirt and just at that exact moment there's a pounding on the door.
We both jump back startled, hearts hammering as our heads snap round to look at the door. And then we both begin to laugh, catching each others eye and smiling, rolling our eyes because who were we expecting to be stood there? For a moment it's like we've gone back in time to the hundreds of heated make out sessions, among other things, in Kurt's living room or kitchen or bedroom which had often been interrupted by a gentle cough, a key in the lock, or indeed a knock on the door.
I lean up onto my tiptoes and press a final, light kiss to his lips before moving to answer the door. I pull it open to find Molly, Ava's best friend, stood on the step with her mum, Hazel behind her. We greet each other with a hug before the sound of Ava running down the hall interrupts. She quickly grabs Molly's hand and drags her in, shouting, "hey Mrs. Molly!" over her shoulder before they both disappear out the back door. I turn and smile at the woman stood in front of me, thanking her as she hands a neatly wrapped present over. We chat for a few minutes before she says she's got to go and drop her older son off at his karate class. She thanks me a second time for having Molly early and I tell her it's no problem; she's done me the same favour enough times for me.
The rest of the day passes drama free. Kurt and I finish up preparing the food and have far too much fun blowing up the balloons, both near tears at the sound of his already high voice intensified by helium. By the time the other children begin to arrive we're wonderfully prepared. A few other parents stay, especially those who live nearby, all seeming to sneak a few minutes on the bouncy castle just as Kurt said they would. There are no injuries, apart from one boy who misses the bottom step of the decking and falls face first into the grass. Luckily he's small enough to not hurt himself and instead just stands back up, looking somewhat startled before racing over to his mum.
Luckily the sky remains cloud free and the sun wonderfully warm. The food's almost completely devoured by the end of the day, wrapping paper litters the grass and shoes are scattered throughout the garden by the time parents start arriving to pick up their children.
It's easily gone 9pm by the time Kurt and I are able to fall exhausted onto the sofa in the living room, bouncy castle removed, garden cleared of rubbish, salvageable food wrapped and put away, a drained Ava sound asleep in bed. The decorations are still up and balloons still float above our heads, but it can't hurt to keep her birthday decorations up for another day we tell each other, because we're both far too tired to care right now.
Kurt's sat next to me, head resting on my shoulder, eyes closed, breathing calm and deep. I smile at the sound of his breathing, the rhythmic humming of life. I shuffle slightly, pulling him with me as I lay down flat on my back. His eyes blink open slowly before a lazy smile curls his lips and he shuffles down to lay with me. He falls into the gap between my body and the back of the sofa, head nuzzling with a hum into the hollow of my neck, arm falling protectively across my chest as my own weave around his waist and drags him closer, so close that he's lying half on top of me, breath tickling my collarbone, lips falling against my Adam's apple.
We lay like this for an immeasurable amount of time, swimming in the heat of one another as the sound of our synchronised heart beats fill our ears. My hand runs languorously through his silk hair, causing tiny murmurs of contentment to ripple from in his chest, his hand tracing patterns along the ridges of my ribs. I duck my head just enough to kiss the tip of his nose. He smiles but doesn't open his eyes, instead just shuffling a little higher before moving towards me, lips moving against my neck, searching for my own before he finds them and kisses me softly.
We kiss slowly for some time, tongues moving together in a familiar, well practiced dance, hands running slowly over bodies before dipping beneath thin fabric and against soft skin, goose bumps unfurling down spines as hands dip to the smalls of backs, pressing closer and into the napes of necks, tugging lightly until we're impossibly close, legs tangled together, breath hitching and bodies beginning to ache for more before a tiny, almost inaudible voice breaks the dense silence.
"Dad?" Everything stops. Our hearts stop, as does our breathing. Our hands stop moving, Kurt's tangled in my hair while mine sit pressed heavy against his spine, our lips stop and pull apart slowly, eyes snapping open with shared looks of shock and disbelief and a hint of fear. We're momentarily frozen before Ava drags us straight back to reality. "Eww!" she groans, "are you two kissing?"
I slowly turn to face her. She's stood in the doorway, hair tied back in a plait, new, flowery pyjamas on and a yellow bear tucked under her arm. Swallowing the lump in my throat I detangle myself from Kurt, who still seems to be frozen by shock. I swing my legs off the sofa and sit up. I rub tiredly at my eyes and look back up at her. She's staring at me expectantly. "Why is it 'ew' Ava?" I ask, needing to know whether she's unconsciously referring to the fact we're both male.
"It just is… kissing is icky," she replies, as if it's the simplest question in the world. I continue to stare at her, cocking my head to the side minutely as I try to read her, but it's near impossible as she continues to stare at me with wide, honey eyes. "Once…" she begins, and I watch as she steps towards me, a frown wrinkling her forehead, "round Molly's, we saw her mummy and daddy kissing and Molly said that they do it all the time and her brother told her it was icky," she begins to nod as if to emphasise her point.
"So it's not… it's not icky because me and Kurt are both boys?" I manage to ask, terrified of the answer because a four year old doesn't tell you what you want to hear to spare your feelings, a four year old tells you what they actually think with no thought to your feelings.
Her head falls inquisitively to the side before she replies almost instantly, "No…" she seems confused as she frowns. "Daddy, I already know you like boys instead of girls," she says, shaking her head as if I'm being silly in thinking this would bother her, "kissing is just icky no matter who's doing it. I'm never going to kiss a boy," she finally admits with a smile and a firm nod, "or a girl," she adds after a moments thought.
I close my eyes as relief floods my body, not having realised just how daunting the thought of explaining this to Ava was. I grin at her widely, and she smiles back. "So… would it bother you if Kurt and I kissed more often?" I ask.
She crinkles her nose, "I guess not…" she finally says, "but only if you come and get this giant spider out my room," she bargains with me. I feel as a smile spreads across my face as I nod.
"Of course sweetie," I say, standing up and taking her hand as she leads me to her room. Within minutes she is tucked back into bed in a spider free room, covers pulled up to her chin, her body curled around her teddy, hair splayed against the pillow. "Night Av, love you," I whisper as I lean down and press a kiss to her temple. I see her smile before she snuggles further beneath the duvet.