If I Fall

Chapter 25

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"Did you see Gaara?" Sasuke asked his lover in a hushed tone as they went upstairs to their bedroom. Naruto had wanted to spend winter break at home this year, since it was their last chance to spend it with their friends, and Sasuke had been mildly surprised to hear that Neji and Gaara were clearing out only two days after finishing their finals. He had asked Naruto if he'd known that Gaara was going away, and had received a close-lipped shrug and a blank look in response. Which, of course, only made him quite sure that Naruto had known and that there was some sort of tension between the two. He wanted to be pleased about this, because ending their "arrangement" hadn't exactly cured Sasuke of his latent jealousy of what existed between the redhead and Naruto, so really, he should feel pleased about anything that widened the gap between them, but he couldn't help it. He hated to see Naruto unhappy, and it was clear something was upsetting him, though he said he couldn't tell Sasuke what it was just yet, which seemed strange. Normally, he either said he would talk or he wouldn't, he never said that he could talk about it at some unknown future date. This only worried Sasuke more, making him overly aware of everything happening in the house, which might have been the only reason he noticed the oddly clingy way that Gaara stuck next to Neji as he saw them for the first time in days leave their room for the sole purpose of leaving the house for their brief winter vacation. Even more strange than the way Gaara had cowered under the shelter of Neji's arm and darted his eyes around him as though fighting abject horror at being exposed to something that wasn't the safety of their bedroom was his reaction to seeing Sasuke and Naruto, who had been enjoying breakfast when this took place, and had a clear view of them from the dining room table.

"You leaving, then?" Sasuke asked Neji, nodding at the suitcase he was toting in his Gaara-free arm, and the dark-haired man blinked, as though surprised to hear anyone speak to him, before nodding. "Later, then." he turned to Naruto, expecting the blonde to leap up and run over, to hug them both and tell them to call when they got there, confirm the date of their return three times and say how much he'd miss them, how much fun they'd have, etc. However, Naruto had looked at the frozen pair with a guarded expression, hunching over his cereal and shoving a great spoonful of it in his mouth as though he wanted it to stop him from saying anything. Puzzled, Sasuke looked up again to see if either of them would say goodbye to Naruto; he didn't fool himself thinking that he was the one whose company they both preferred, but Gaara was now hiding behind Neji as though he didn't want to be seen, and Neji heaved a sigh before regaining control of both the suitcase and his boyfriend, and leading both out the door. Not one word passed between Naruto and either Neji or Gaara.

What the hell happened? I mean, maybe they had a fight. Maybe Gaara's still pissed that we aren't sharing anymore, but Neji never treated Naruto any different after that was over, so it seems almost...

Sasuke wasn't really sure what would explain the behavior he had just witnessed, but when they reached their bedroom and closed the door, he was prepared to ask his lover, to demand to know what was going on, when Naruto turned to him and hugged him tight, bursting into sudden, noisy tears.

"Wh...what?" Sasuke was too startled to say anything further at first, so he just held onto Naruto, letting his tears soak into the shoulder of the old shirt he'd been wearing just to go down for breakfast, and waited the storm of emotion out, one arm around his waist, the other stroking his hair, an instinct for giving comfort that had never led him wrong with Naruto before. "Come on," he wasn't sure how long they'd stood in the doorway with Naruto crying his eyes out, but Sasuke's bare feet were getting rather cold standing on the hardwood floor, and he doubted that Naruto could be much more comfortable, though he doubted the blonde was concerned with cold toes at the moment. In any case, Sasuke managed to successfully navigate them toward the bed, and he let go of his lover long enough to fold back the comforter so that they could climb under the warmth of the blanket for however much longer Naruto needed the comfort and presence of Sasuke. Once he'd gotten them both much more comfortably situated, Naruto's sobs had subsided to sniffling and the occasional hiccup, and Sasuke was no longer concerned that someone had died without him hearing about it, so he ventured a question. "What's wrong, Naruto?"

"I...I need...t—to talk to y—y—you..." he sniffled and wiped his nose with his curled hand, a childish gesture that Sasuke couldn't help finding adorable even in this situation. "I m—meant to...as soon as they...soon as they left." a sudden sob wracked his frame, and his face, already red, felt hot with misery as he pressed it to Sasuke's chest for comfort. "B—but...I'm afraid...afraid y—you'll be s—so...so angry."

"What, do you think I'm going to kick the crap out of you or something?" Sasuke was bewildered. He knew that Naruto didn't like him getting angry, but he'd never seemed so upset and terrified at the idea before, that he could recall. Even in sophomore year, when he had to bring himself to tell Sasuke that he'd slept with Gaara, he'd been more resigned than anything else. This was ridiculous. "Naruto, I don't care what you did or what you need to tell me, there's no reason to get so upset." he pulled back a bit and pressed his lips to Naruto's fever hot face, over and over again, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his salty eyelids, his quivering lips, his chin, until finally the flesh started to cool, and he could feel the pulse where his hand rested on Naruto's throat slow down as he calmed. "There you go...nothing's worth getting so upset. I don't want you to cry, I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything." More than anything, Sasuke felt guilty that this had been caused by him. Somehow, he'd led Naruto to believe that there was something horrible he would do in reaction to being told whatever it was that Naruto was keeping from him. He was now reasonably sure it had something to do with the strange behavior of both Neji and especially Gaara, and he felt a hot twist of jealousy in his gut, but looking at his miserable lover, seeing how afraid he had been to be honest, yet how clearly he was still determined to say what needed saying, that helped Sasuke unwind that hot knot deep within him, helped him control the impulses shooting through him at the moment, helped him stop himself from issuing wild speculations about what had happened, what Naruto had done to make him think he needed to so fear Sasuke's reaction. He trembled as he forced himself to deal with the idea that Naruto and Gaara had snuck around behind his back, that perhaps Neji had caught them and threatened to tell Sasuke unless they stopped and came clean. He forced himself to picture that, imagined Gaara and Naruto clinging to each other, kissing each other fervently and promising never to stop loving each other, no matter what Sasuke or Neji said, and then imagining Naruto's dismay as Gaara told him he'd been forced to choose, and so he'd stay with Neji, imagined Naruto locking himself away somewhere no one would see and crying bitterly, feeling betrayed by his other lover, and realizing that there was nothing for it but to come clean with Sasuke, who Neji would tell in any case, and he would likely make it worse...so much worse, and so...and so...

"Ah...Sasuke," Naruto's whimper brought Sasuke out of his imagined scenarios and made him realize with shock that he'd been holding onto his lover's arm so tightly the blonde was clearly in pain, and Sasuke's own knuckles had gone white. "It...hurts..."

"S—sorry." Sasuke had been trying so hard to control himself, to ease Naruto's fear, to imagine the worst possible thing, which now, he was almost positive was exactly what he was going to be told, and now...now he'd made it worse, letting his fury seep out.

But the thing is...I'm angry with Naruto if he really did do that...but the weird thing is, I'm angrier with Gaara for hurting him...if it really was like that...how could he?

Now his mind filled with scenes of Gaara tempting Naruto, of Gaara entrapping him and seducing him, just to take advantage of him, knowing all the while that as soon as Neji found out, he'd stop and turn back to his dark-haired lover, leaving Naruto feeling guilty and alone and utterly used.

That bastard...if he did anything to hurt Naruto, after how much Naruto's given him...

He forced himself to stop thinking about it, he knew he'd just end up hurting Naruto on accident again if he let his mind continue down that path, and that was the last thing he wanted. After seeing how terrified he was, seeing how much he'd upset himself, Sasuke realized that there was nothing Naruto could tell him that would require more punishment than what the blonde had already suffered through in his own mind. "Sorry, I'm just...please, don't be afraid of me. Just...tell me, and we'll talk, we'll just talk, and it will be okay, even if I'm angry, I won't hurt you, I won't yell at all." he told the other man, who was looking just as terrified as ever, but at least wasn't crying anymore. "I hate to see you so upset."

"O...okay." Naruto sniffled and scrubbed at his eyes with the knuckles of one hand. "P—promise you won't go c—crazy? No matter what I say?"

"Go crazy?" Sasuke was flabbergasted at this. "What could you possibly say that would make me--"

"Just promise!" Naruto looked desperate now. "Promise me you won't...won't freak out. That you won't hurt...anyone."

"Anyone?" Sasuke felt that hot knot in his gut again. After whatever it was, here he was, confessing, but at the same time trying to protect that bastard Gaara who'd been the one to put him in this position in the first place. Did he even realize how much Naruto cared about him? And how much he couldn't ever possibly deserve it? "Fine, I promise. I won't freak out, I won't hurt anyone, I promise. Just tell me what happened." He steeled himself for the words. It wouldn't be the first time Naruto had done something with Gaara without telling him. But now...after everything, it would hurt so much worse, and he had to prepare himself so that he could school his reaction. He had to be strong, or Naruto would feel all his fears justified, and would possibly even start crying again, and that was the last thing Sasuke wanted.

"D—do you remember...the other day w—when I was...you had a final, and I was kissing you for luck, in the kitchen." Naruto blinked, brilliant blue eyes rimmed red and swollen from crying so much, though he seemed to be gathering control as he focused on telling the story. "And...and we heard Gaara, and I went after him, and you had to go, but I was worried...thought he'd been upset to see us together like that?"

"Yes," Sasuke couldn't manage much warmth, he was busy trying to lock down all his emotions, so that when he heard the words, he could keep himself from reacting in the way Naruto expected and feared.

"I...I w—went to talk to him, to try and see...what we could do to make it so he wouldn't get...so upset." Naruto took a deep breath, and his eyes left Sasuke's, his fingers fiddling with the neckline of the worn shirt his lover wore, and his eyes fixing firmly there. "He told me to go away, and I thought...thought he was so upset he couldn't bear to see me, that he was...crying, and I couldn't...couldn't just leave him like that. You understand that, right?"

"Yes." Sasuke knew his tone was positively icy, but he couldn't have it both ways. If he let his emotions show, he would explode when Naruto admitted to being seduced, to carrying on with Gaara behind his back...he couldn't stop himself unless he held firm this way.

"So...so I went in anyway," Naruto took a long, deep breath, and Sasuke had a sudden horrifying fear that he was going to tell this as a play-by-play of the entire thing, of every touch and every feeling that accompanied it, of every whisper that passed between them. He wasn't sure how long he could handle that. "He was all curled up under his blankets, and I really...really thought he was crying. If...if I'd known, I wouldn't have...ever, not with...because...because I love you, Sasuke. I love you so much, and I can't put myself in that sort of position! Because in the end, I hurt both of you, more than myself, and that...I can't stand that."

Just say it already. Sasuke wished this could be over with already, but Naruto seemed to want to torture him. It took every ounce of his control to simply nod encouragingly rather than shake him and tell him to finish it, already.

"And then...and then..." Naruto let out a quiet little sob. "I leaned over...hugging him, thinking he was so sad, he needed a hug, but that...that wasn't what he needed. I guess...later, Neji told me they'd been fooling around, and he'd had to rush to class, and Gaara had been left alone and he wasn't...you know, and then seeing us together...probably that just made it worse, and it wasn't really that long ago that him and I...that we...that...and so, he just...just grabbed me."

Here it comes.

"I...I tried to fight him." Naruto's voice was thin and wavered weakly as he continued. "I tried to push him off, but he was so...so...determined and...before I knew it...but he wasn't...it wasn't like he was trying to hurt me." Naruto paused long enough to see how pale Sasuke's face had gone, how intensely those black eyes burned, and forced himself to carry on. "He just...just wanted...and once he realized that I didn't want it, he stopped, he stopped right away when he realized, and he got...got so upset...Sasuke, he was so upset he puked all over the floor and he went into weird...almost like convulsions, he was shaking so bad, and Neji said it was shock, but he was so...so afraid to even touch me after that, I was trying to help him, and when Neji came back and saw us, he thought I'd been the one who attacked Gaara because he was so...so desperate to get away from me..." Naruto trailed off and a weak sob rolled through him, tears dripping down his face as Sasuke looked on in utter shock and horror. He had thought he knew how it would be, had thought it might vary a little, but this...this was not what he had expected. Yes, it still involved Gaara and Naruto having sex, but other than that...other than that...

Murderous rage swept through him then, so thick and overpowering that he could feel his heart actually speeding up, his blood heating, his fists clenching, and the only thing that kept him somewhat grounded was the terrified whimper of the man in his arms, who could see the change sweeping over him, could read the emotion filling his expression, having burst through the dam he'd erected with such force his entire body shook, his every muscle clenched, and he knew a sudden desperate need to hurt Gaara so badly that he couldn't talk, couldn't breathe, and definitely couldn't ever touch his precious, beloved Naruto ever again.

"Sasuke, no," Naruto groped at his arms, his cold fingers running over his cheeks, trying to bring him back to reality, out of his sudden extremely vivid fantasies of all the things he would like to do to Gaara, and most surely would do as soon as he got his hands on the fiend. "No, you promised, you promised. You can't hurt anyone, and so you can't hurt Gaara, and you shouldn't! He didn't mean to! He wouldn't...wouldn't ever hurt me!"

"Naruto! He fucking raped you!" Sasuke had wanted so badly to control himself, but he had never expected what he had been told, nothing in the realm of possibility had told him that something like that could happen. "Are you out of your fucking mind? What does he have to do to count as it hurting you? Kill you?!"

"You...you swore." Naruto's face crumpled in misery, and rather than the noisy sobs from before, a single silent tear fell down, and it completely undid Sasuke. He felt that expression of misery, that single tear like a physical blow, and he scrabbled for control in the flood of rage that had swept over him. "And...it wasn't...wasn't really so bad. You make it sound so bad."

"Naruto...dammit Naruto..." Sasuke struggled with himself, aware he was clutching at his lover again, aware he was probably hurting him, and unable to do anything about it. He couldn't stop himself, he couldn't hold it all in so easily. But he had promised not to hurt anyone. He had, and he'd also sworn not to yell, not to get upset, to just talk, to calmly talk about it. He had to remember...he had to focus on Naruto, to focus on how much he didn't want to break a promise to him. If he could just focus on that, he could control himself, no matter how badly he wanted to severely injure Gaara. "Okay, okay...I'm going to...calm down...I'm sorry." he was having a hard time gaining control, and was afraid to say anything more, but Naruto kissed him, softly, almost innocently, and Sasuke felt his anger boil off steadily, leaving despair and agony behind, the reactions that had been hiding underneath that overwhelming fury.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," Naruto whispered, clutching at Sasuke even more tightly than Sasuke in turn was holding him. "Sorry, I shouldn't have...shouldn't have even gone in there. If I wasn't...so nosy..." his tears continued to fall silently, hot and horrible against Sasuke's neck, where his face was pressed. Sasuke felt like he was the cause of every one of those tears. He could remember that morning, remembered poor Naruto, so worried for Gaara, saying they should check on him, and Sasuke bowing out, saying he had to go take his final, and he'd leave Gaara to Naruto.

If only I'd gone with him...if I had been there, I could have stopped it.

Yeah, and probably I'd have kicked the shit out of Gaara so badly in the process he'd be in the hospital right now, and Naruto would be furious, and crying just as much as he is now...and probably Neji would have come after me for revenge...

Yes, now that he was calmer and he thought it through, he could see that there would have been no way that the situation could have ended in anything but pain. But it didn't make him want to throttle Gaara any less. Only those tears, and that voice, that pleading look in his eyes...that was the only thing that could reach Sasuke, that could keep him from making things even worse.

"Don't you dare apologize," Sasuke hissed, getting his hand to stop trembling enough that he could run his fingers through the thick blonde hair tickling at his chin and throat, rubbing the neck soothingly, and hearing the soft sigh that meant Naruto, in his turn, was also calming down. "You don't have anything to apologize for. The only person who needs to apologize to anyone is that asshole who--"

"Please, Sasuke, you don't understand...for Gaara, this is the worst...the worst thing that he could ever have to deal with. He's probably going to have a total complex after this, he had this huge fear of doing something like that, because...of stuff, and just, well, you know how he can get swept away by what he wants. And it really...it really wasn't as bad as it sounds." Naruto looked at him apologetically, his face flushed in embarrassment. "I mean...like I said, I told him to stop, and he didn't hear me, he just kept...and he did...you know, get in me and everything, and he was really...but even though it was rough, and really...sudden and everything, it wasn't...it didn't...didn't hurt. I mean, he was still careful, even though he...you know...know how he can get." Naruto let out a nervous little laugh. "I mean...remember how rough he used to get with you?" Sasuke flushed scarlet and Naruto nodded. "It was like...like that. The only reason I was upset was that I wasn't...wasn't supposed to. I mean, we'd decided, and so I didn't want to break my word to you, and yeah, he did...just, you know, take, but it wasn't like...like horrible or anything."

"Are...are you trying to tell me you liked what Gaara did to you?" Sasuke's voice was full of bewildered outrage.

"Well, I didn't want him to," Naruto qualified his explanation. "But...I mean, if it had been before we all stopped being together, it would have just been...just really...really sudden and like...intense." he paused, flushing even deeper. "He really...really wanted it. But he still was able to make it...make me ready and..." Naruto buried his face in Sasuke's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm just making it worse, I'm making it sound like I want us to go back to the way we were before so that Gaara and I could...you know."

"Do you?" Sasuke asked, suddenly needing to know, needing the honesty. "Do you want us to...to go back to that? Because...if you do..." Sasuke wasn't sure what he was going to say beyond that, he wasn't sure he could take that again, especially after seeing how the idea of Gaara and Naruto had just now filled him wish such white-hot rage. How was he supposed to just acquiesce to that desire now that he felt like, whatever Naruto said to reassure him, Gaara couldn't be trusted to treat Naruto the way Naruto ought to be treated. Gaara might be too rough, and he was clearly too impulsive, that was obvious from what had happened between them. But he also realized that when Naruto said that it wasn't bad, that it didn't hurt, that it wasn't really as horrible as Sasuke made it sound...that was likely true. Of all people, he could expect that if Naruto ever found himself in a situation like that, after what Itachi had done to him three years ago, a memory that filled Sasuke with guilt and rage, Naruto would not bother trying to hide his upset and his fear. Because even if he did try, it would be clear to Sasuke as soon as they were together alone, as soon as Sasuke kissed him or touched him, it would be obvious that there was something bothering him, that there was something that had happened to him, a wound that needed to be healed before things could be normal between them. But other than his reticence regarding Gaara the past couple of days, Sasuke hadn't noticed any hesitation or fear from Naruto in the bedroom. He realized now that bite he'd seen on Naruto's neck, the one he'd thought he must have inflicted without thinking...he knew it was from Gaara, and he couldn't stop his eyes wandering to it, still bruised, but the bruise fading to yellow.

How dare Gaara mark his Naruto? Sasuke felt a wild urge to leave his own mark, to leave several of them, all over Naruto's body, so no one would mistake that Naruto was his, and always would be.

"No...no, I don't want to do that again." Naruto shook his head vehemently, and Sasuke could see he was being honest. "Yeah, I love Gaara, and it feels good being with him...but I can't do that to you, and seeing you with him, or with Neji...I know how that makes me feel, and if you feel even half of that...I can't let you suffer like that, no matter how attracted to Gaara I am. It's not worth it. I love him, but it's nothing like how much I love you...how much I need you. I just...just want it to be just us. Just you and me." he paused, searching for the right words. "If I lose Gaara, which honestly...after what happened, I might, because he's so...so upset, I don't know if he'll ever be able to even look at me again. But...even if I lose him, I know I'll be sad, and I know I'll miss him, but I'll still have you, and that's really...really all that matters. I can get through anything, I can do anything, I know, as long as I have you. But if...if I lost you..."

"Shush," Sasuke could see the way Naruto's face was twisting, and he felt that certainly the blonde had shed enough tears over this. "Don't worry about that, you'll never, ever lose me."

"Good...because...because I can't." Naruto's breath hitched, and Sasuke thought he might start crying again, but instead, he kissed Sasuke hard, crushing his lips, his tongue forcing its way into his surprised mouth, but after a moment, he recovered and responded in kind, finding that even after how upset he'd been so recently, he needed desperately to make love to him right away, needed to reassure himself in this most basic way that what was between them was still as strong and as intense as it had always been, that his need had not diminished since it had originally occurred to him his first year why it was he couldn't leave the blonde boy with a smile like sunshine alone. And Naruto, in turn...he needed to know that Naruto still loved him and needed him with that desperation that had been so strong even in their very first kiss that it had overwhelmed him and terrified him all at once until he learned to understand what it was he was feeling, to control it, and to properly channel it into something other than shock or alarm.

Naruto had lived his life before college without anyone to love him, without family of any sort, without anyone else who cared for him deeply. Sasuke was determined that the rest of his life, he would always have at least one person who placed him above all else. And he would be that person. Others, like Gaara or Sakura or any of the friends Naruto had made might come and go, but always, always, he wanted Naruto to know he never had to doubt, never had to worry, never had to fear being alone, because Sasuke would always love him, would always stay at his side.

This was meant to be, after everything we've been through, for us to stay together, for us to still love each other this strongly...it must be destiny.

To think of what might have happened had they never met, to think of the man he would be now...those were things Sasuke didn't want to ever do, didn't want to ever consider. The thousand what-if's that had brought them here. What if Naruto or him had chosen a different school? What if they had been placed in separate dorms, or even separate floors? What if Sasuke had ignored that alien twinge, that crazy compulsion that had first fully seized him the night he fell out of the tree? What if Naruto had never bothered to question all the things he'd felt when Sasuke kissed him in that back room at the cafe? What if...what if any of their fights or misunderstandings had ended in a real break up?

I wouldn't be alive without him, without this feeling between us. Before...I know I walked around, I spoke, I did things, I shuffled through everything, doing what was expected as best I could, but not really caring one way or the other, but I wasn't really alive until that first kiss...and then, until he kissed me back, I thought I would die, after finally realizing what I wanted, after I finally found something worth caring about, something to make me want to try, want to live, want to be great.

Want to be worthy of him...

Naruto pulled at him, clinging and pleading for more no matter how much Sasuke gave, and he kept finding he had more in him. He bit the blonde and sucked at it, licking and pulling at the skin on his throat with his mouth, and instead of being hurt or seeming worried by the reminder of what had happened with Gaara, he arched into the touch, holding Sasuke's mouth and moaning for him to go on, to take everything, to keep going, always to keep going. And when Sasuke entered him, it felt so sweet, so amazing and so right, he thought he could just stay there without moving, but he had to move, of course, and he did, and Naruto kept pleading for him to do that more of that, wanting to hold him close but still wanting Sasuke to slam into him even though with their positions it was nearly impossible to get the leverage needed, but it didn't matter, he did everything he could, and though he worried he would never be able to satisfy Naruto when he was in this needy mood, it wasn't long before the blonde was leaking his pleasure, and soon, it was over, too soon, and he didn't really collapse on him, since he'd been held so close through it all, he had nowhere to go. But after all, that was the best place he could think to be. The only place he ever wanted to be.

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I need to see you...to speak with you. Please come if you can.

That was what the text message had said. No further explanation, just a request for him to come over as soon as possible. Kiba's initial impulse had been to delete it, to forget he'd ever received it, but...no matter how he was hurting, no matter how badly she had crushed him, so he thought it was never possible for him to feel happiness or hope again...he couldn't say no when he knew she needed him.

I need to see you.

He had felt a dread, walking here alone, that this was a trick. She hadn't sent the message at all; Kankurou had stolen her phone and sent it, wanting a chance to finish the fight they'd had before he left the house, when he had thought, ridiculously, foolishly, that she would see him hurt and be unable to stop herself from showing concern, from showing what love she still felt for him, and maybe...maybe forgiveness would finally come. But instead, she had only shown him contempt, and then he had finally known that there was no hope, it was really over. The next Monday, he'd gone to the housing office and told them he needed a spot immediately, told them it was desperate, that he'd sleep in a study if that was what it took until something else opened up. His wait had not been long, but had felt torturous, and in short order, he'd left the house, without saying anything, other than answering the questions he received from the few people who saw him on his way out...but most of all, he resisted the urge to say goodbye to Temari, to even write her a letter, or give a message to someone to pass to her. It was so tempting, to put in that one last attempt...but really, what was the point? It would fill him with useless hope, something she apparently delighted in destroying.

Please come if you can.

But then, after he'd been gone for two weeks, after he'd finished his finals and packed his things to go home for winter break, to fake happiness for his parents and his siblings, who he knew would ask about Temari, since he hadn't been able to bring himself to tell them anything yet...then, like a miracle, that text message had come.

He'd stared at it for ten minutes straight, thinking he was seeing things, and then finally, after deciding he had no choice but to respond, he had sent a quick response, only saying I'll be right there, nothing more was needed, was it? And of course she had to have known he would come. Of course, he would always come when she called, he would always do what she wanted, because he couldn't put conditions on his love the way she had seemed to be able to. And in the end...if she needed someone to talk to, someone to be there, even someone to yell at for no reason...that was what he would do. He would always try to be there when she needed him, no matter what cruel things she did or said. He couldn't...just stop loving her. It wasn't as easy as that. And maybe...maybe it never would be. With time, the ache Hinata had left him with had faded and even scarred over, so that he could look at her and recognize what had been, but know that he wouldn't want it to go back. He wondered if he could hope to heal from this, as well.

And everything else aside...she'd been there for him when he had most needed someone. He could never forget that, no matter what had happened since then.

Please

So, terrified that the door would be answered by Gaara, who would surely not welcome him except for the chance to exact vengeance for what had happened, or that she would only laugh in his face and turn him away, saying it had only been a joke, after all...he gathered his courage and knocked on the door. He cringed when it opened, unable to stop himself from feeling as though he was about to be either emotionally or physically attacked. He felt this was a valid concern.

When he saw the face on the other side of that door, saw her impassive expression, he steeled himself for more hurtful words, prepared himself for a slap at the least, or...well, he wasn't even sure what the worst Temari could do to him was, but he was sure she would find it and do it if that's what she had called him over for. And he would take it, as always...he would bear the pain for her sake. He met her eyes, eyes he had come to love so much, that seemed to melt from dark grey to stormy blue when she felt something strongly, and so often when she looked at him...and was unable to read anything clearly there. She had never lost her ability to shield herself, but he had become so accustomed to her simply showing him what she was thinking or feeling freely, that to see her so guarded sent icy chills to his core.

Would it always be like this? Even before everything, when they'd only just been acquaintances through association of all the friends they shared, and he thought she'd felt little more than amused contempt or indulgence toward him depending on her mood, even then...she had never looked at him like this, and it hurt worse than any words she could say, worse than any blows she might have rained on him, had she let violent rage erupt, the way it so rarely did because of how desperately she strove to hide that passionate part of her nature, that part of her that was so like her brothers, but that she refused to recognize most of the time.

She hates me now. Before, she felt nothing, and it didn't really bother me, because I didn't know...didn't know what could be between us. But now...now I wonder if her hating me is worth having had her love...

That was stupid. He had a sudden flash of memory, her smiling up at him, cheeks red and eyes dark blue, dark like a midnight sky or like the deepest ocean, and the love clear in her expression...of course it had been worth it. Having love like that...even if this was the price, it was cheap for the time he'd been given with her.

That didn't make his heart sting less, but it helped to cool his blood a bit, helped him to see that it didn't really matter what she did to him now. Maybe if he could just pretend there had been many different Temari's, and the one he'd had was gone, and this was just another one, a separate one that looked the same and had all those memories but never...never felt the same as that other...maybe then he could bear it, to see that look aimed at him. If she had forgotten love so completely, then really...he should pity her.

Or envy her...he wasn't sure still.

"I...got your message." he stated the obvious, but the silence that had stretched between them was not the sweet silence it had once been, and he hadn't been able to stand it anymore, so he'd needed to break it, to say something...maybe she'd stop looking at him with such cold eyes, and he could think of something more clever to say, but for now, he knew very well he was at her mercy. "So...so I came."

"Come on." she reached out, almost as though she was going to take his arm, the way she once had, but she used her hand to shunt him aside instead, and pushed past him, smelling just as sweet as he remembered, her hair down...not like before, before they dated she'd always worn it up, had only worn it down for his sake, and that must just be an oversight on her part. She had grown so used to having it down she hadn't thought...but she was already down the stairs of the porch, walking to her car, and he followed her, because he had to, because he still had that compulsion, and he wasn't sure it would ever go away. Wherever Temari went, whenever she called, he would come.

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To be continued...