Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
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For the first time since the war ended Sakura felt better. The world had been turned upside down since the village was destroyed but it was finally starting to right itself again. She supposed it was a combination of things that allowed her to move on. Kakashi, of course, was the main reason but there was also something internally soothing about mastering the Sharingan. Conquering her fears in the most literal way.
And master it she had through the years.
She decided to tell Kakashi that she didn't want to go back anymore.
She didn't have the right to go and change the past. Only God could interfere with time like that and after everything that had happened she honestly didn't think such a person existed. Sakura wanted the alternative. Over the years Kakashi had become so much more to her than when they were on a team. If she had to be a survivor of the Village Hidden in the Leaves then she was so grateful she had Kakashi to survive with.
Her guilt was equally pushing her to say something to him. For months they had trained to make the jutsu perfect. Several weeks ago she figured out the exact chakra levels and never told him.
Without rushing, Sakura followed the worn path from the ruins to their cottage. Earlier that morning she went to the place where Naruto eternally rested. With a deep apology to her blonde-haired friend she promised to lead the life he could not. She resolved to tell Kakashi.
Sakura entered their home and was again, like so many times before, struck by the warmth it provided her. "Kakashi, listen-" she began.
"I lied. Please help me," his eyes lit up in an unexpected way. Pitifully. "Sakura, please change my life. Please."
It was stupid of Sakura not to notice his demeanour upon entering their home. He was hunched over the table, his shoulders and hands tense, and his eyes downcast. It was a rare moment for him to let his emotions show so plainly.
Kakashi was begging her. Raw vulnerability stretched out from him, promising to drag her down if she were to understand one iota of his pain. Her heart hurt looking at him. She tore her eyes away from his visage and walked past him to sit on the bed. He did not turn to face her and Sakura refused to lift her eyes from her shoes. Silence reigned. The last few months of lying on her part had not worked if he felt the need to put her in this position. The implications of his words struck painfully. Despite their feelings for each other he wanted her to go back to the past. He selfishly wanted her to leave so he could have a better life. A regenesis. An alternate time.
Her shock turned into cold fury as the minutes ticked by. "Why now?" She gritted out.
Still facing away he responded, "Because this is wrong."
Sakura sucked in a breath and realized with starting clarity that she was destined to live a life completely giving to others and never receiving in return because Kakashi was asking her to sacrifice everything. He had to know her love for him would force her to do just that.
"I know you've been stalling," he accused and turned around on the chair to face her.
She glared back. "If our roles were reversed would you have left already?"
"Yes."
I don't want to go.
The words were on the tip of her tongue but Sakura refused to voice them. If she said that she would begin to cry and crying in front of him was like showing fear in front of an enemy. So she repeated them in her mind but her lips remained sealed.
Kakashi stood from his chair and knelt before her. Sakura was an immobile statue processing, for a second time, the world being flipped upside down. He placed a hand on either side of her legs on the bed and spoke earnestly. "You know the plan to go back. Itachi and Minato. You know the seals for the Kyuubi. You know the jutsu and the chakra required. All you need to do is start the mission."
Sakura closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She had learned a lot about her additional powers in four years and the practice kept her busy every day and she did feel prepared, as much as was possible. The only thing holding her back was him. Yet, he so eagerly wanted her to go and sacrifice her life. That was the one thing he neglected to prepare her for.
She would be alone once the mission was complete.
"I hate you Kakashi," she coolly admitted.
His hand closed on one of hers that had been tightly grasping her skirt. "One week, Sakura. After one week you need to save Konoha."
Sakura yanked her hand from his and stood up heading straight for the door to the cabin. His presence was suffocating, she was torn between hating him and hating herself. She wrenched the door open and slammed it behind her. Without worrying he would follow after her, Sakura took off into the surrounding forest. Kakashi would giver her space, he owed her that much. The village, her usual place for thinking was off limits, as the dead had a way of mocking her with their white crosses and painful memories. Instead she immersed herself in the trees and dense greenery, until she found a spot on an exposed root to sit down and vent.
She pictured Kakashi in her mind and it made her sick. He was intentionally cruel, using emotional blackmail to send her back faster. Giving her a week to what? Spend with him? She didn't think she could look him in the face without dread or breaking into tears. Both of those options made her grit her teeth. It didn't matter when she went back, the dead would still be dead, and the past would always be there to change.
The darkest part of her mind instructed her to go back and do absolutely nothing, to spite him for crossing the boundary between them and then taking it all away. But that wasn't fair. Sakura had lost her family in the war and their faces never ceased to haunt her. They deserved to be alive and to live happily without the sins of the past. For them she would do absolutely anything. Her happiness for theirs was an easy choice every time. If Sakura could hold onto that thought then she would be able to take up this mission. If she thought too deeply about her own feelings, those ones of love for him, then her selfishness would win.
Itachi Uchiha's decision was infinitely clearer now. They were exactly alike in having to decide between the village and the happiness of others over themselves. He must have suffered with the choice and had lived with the consequences until he died. He had done it all with unyielding determination. But Sakura was beginning to think it was seldom that simple.
Itachi must have hated himself and regretted the murders every single day. The only difference between them was he had chosen to save lives by taking them where she was choosing to save lives by reversing their natural course.
No one deserved an ultimatum.
Itachi didn't deserve to be forced into slaughtering his family for the sake of the village. She promised herself that he would be given another option. If she succeeded in rewriting his past than maybe one day Itachi would come home from an ANBU mission, sit down to Sunday dinner with his family, and Sasuke would animatedly describe to his parents the mission they completed together.
From there Sakura would work hard to keep Minato and Kushina safe, especially during the Kyuubi attack so that Naruto would grow up with a family to shower him with all the love he deserved. And when he graduated from the academy it would be alongside his many friends and smiling parents.
These grandiose thoughts led Sakura to the man who pleaded for her to alter his timeline. She knew nothing about Kakashi before Team Seven. His legend preceded him but that was his professional life, nothing of his personal secrets. Their time together had not changed that. She learned about Team Minato through circumstance. Just like she learned about Obito during the war. And Sakura was lucky enough to have read about Rin in the hospital's staff records when she was fourteen and desperately trying to connect to her absent teammates.
The most she could wish for in Kakashi's rewrite was to make a man that would never put someone like her into this position. Sakura wasn't entirely sure what that entailed but she imagined Kakashi at a bar, in his thirties, commiserating with his old team about D-ranked missions he took with his latest genin squad.
That 'other' Kakashi. She could do this for him.
Sakura jumped to her feet. If she were going to do this mission then she would do it on her terms, not his. She went back to the cabin with the moon high in the sky and quietly slipped through the front door. The fireplace lit the small space with its dying embers and her Sharingan helped outline Kakashi's prone form on the mattress. He wasn't asleep but she made no attempt to call him on the rouse. Shedding her boots and clothes, she slid into the sheets on the opposite side in her undergarments.
She flipped on her side to stare at his exposed back. God how it annoyed her that he didn't say anything but at the same time she knew any words he spoke would make her angry. Sakura could already feel the urge to pummel him with her fists. She recited her new mantra in her head to calm down. Itachi and Sasuke at Sunday dinner. Naruto with his parents on graduation day. Kakashi at the bar with his first and oldest team. Focusing only on those people, alive and happy, not dead, not broken, was her solace. For one last night she would keep her hurt at bay and pretend this wasn't goodbye.
Sakura moved closer and pressed herself against his body. She wrapped her arm around his waist and hugged him close. The smell of forest and musk, distinctly Kakashi, filled her head. His hand found hers and clasped on tight, drawing it close to his chest. Sakura exhaled and thought about her happiest memory. Sitting on top of the academy with the newly formed Team Seven and meeting the very men who would forever change her life.
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A few hours later, when Sakura was positive Kakashi was asleep thanks to the chakra she slipped into his system, she started to gather her supplies.
She took a bag and filled it with kunai and shuriken. Then she rolled up the forbidden jutsu scroll and all the other literature, placing it with the weapons. She took Kakashi's ANBU mask, guards, and vest from his meagre personal belongings and threw it in too.
She grabbed the only photo she owned - Naruto and herself when they were sixteen - and tucked it safely into her weapons pouch that she strapped to her waist. The familiar weight on her side was comforting. Sakura also packed Tsunade's necklace that had been with Naruto the day he died.
Finally, she picked up her hitai-ate. Since the war the metal plate with her signature rose-coloured ties had remained hidden away. There was no glory in wearing the insignia of a destroyed village but she couldn't bear to part with it completely. She grasped it now and with practiced hands she tied the headband securely to her upper arm.
Once she was sure everything was good to go, Sakura glanced back at her sleeping companion. This was it. Kakashi would not exist in a few hours and in a way neither would she. Everything would turn back to zero with one jutsu.
"You made me break my promise. Naruto would be so angry if he knew I ended up alone." She shouldered her pack and walked to the door. "At least no one, not even you, will suffer like I have. I'll make sure of it."
She stared at him with eyes filled with a dozen lifetimes of heartbreak. From the failures of her team, to the deaths of everyone she knew, to the disappointing man she loved, Sakura knew no matter how many she saved it would never be enough to fix her brokenness.
At dawn, as the colours of the night sky gave away to the smoky reds of morning Sakura performed the jutsu. The first consequence of going back in time was erasing her life but never forgetting one second of it.
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A/N: Apologies for the hiatus, I recently moved to Japan and have been so very busy arranging things! Hopefully I will be able to write more but it's hard to say right now.