"So, Severus, I've been thinking" muses Lucius as we sit by the fire one night, he in his armchair, and I on the floor next to him. I have just come in from playing in the snow with Evan. My hair is still wet, and my cheeks are still red from the cold. I have already changed into my baggy sweatpants and tee-shirt.
"Do you think often, then?" I snicker. I have slowly become more comfortable being myself around him.
"Very funny," he sneers, and softly boxes the top of my head, "I was thinking about Narcissa Black"
"Oh, Narcissa is cool! I like her alot! She's always been really nice to me"
"I'm glad to hear that. Would you be interested in helping me out with something?"
"Of course! Whatever you want!" I wiggle around and smile at him. He gently smoothes the hair out of my face.
"I want you to get Narcissa to come to the common room tomorrow night- our usual time. You will be dressed properly. And you will sit next to her"
"But I always sit next to you!" I exclaim, "Do you not like me anymore?" I turn around completely to look him in the face.
"Be quiet, Severus. Of course I like you, why do you think I'm asking you to help me with such an important endeavor?" Lucius says, and smiles his slightly sneering smile at me. I look down, and turn back to the fire, embarrassed, "Now, just do as I say, and hopefully what I'm planning will turn out very nicely. You, of course, will be rewarded for your help", he says, petting the top of my head with his long, pale hand.
"With what?" I ask, trying not to sound too excited.
"You'll see, you'll see," he says, veiled laughter in his voice, "now hurry off to bed, and brush that hair!"
As I run off, I stick my tongue out at him. Before I turn into my dorm, I see him smile and shake his head as he looks back at his book.
When I get up the next morning, I dress in my less-threadbare robes and the trousers without the holes in the knees. I make sure my tie is straight, and I even brush my hair back out of my face. I walk quickly out of my dorm room, and wait nonchalantly in Lucius' armchair until I see Narcissa come out of her dorm. Long blonde hair swinging, she does not smile, but she has a certain gaiety behind her blue eyes that no matter how hard she tries to cover it up, I can see. I call her over as she walks by, as if I barely noticed she was there.
"Oh, Narcissa! Can you come here for a minute?" she turns to face me, then walks slowly over
"Severus! How are you? You look very tired!" she comments, as I stand up and give her a hug.
"I guess I'm okay, what about you?"
"Oh, I'm fine, I just…" her voice trails off, and I turn my head to catch sight of Lucius leaving the common room.
"Listen, Cissy, can I talk to you about something really important? I just feel like you would understand…" I let my voice get quieter, as if I am worried about something, and look at the floor.
"Of course, Severus! What time do you want to meet?"
"Is 10 o'clock tonight okay? We can just meet in here, in front of the fireplace if that's okay" we make plans, and feeling very proud, I walk off to class, back a little straighter than normal. A part of me wonders why I am doing this for Lucius. Why do I always obey him, even when I don't know what I am doing? But- it's better not to think about it.
I nibble at breakfast, barely noticing what I am eating. I even forget to cut my peanut butter toast into equal 8ths. Down the middle, horizontal from the left, diagonal from the left, diagonal from the right, then eat clockwise, starting with the one to the right of the middle cut. Take a sip of water in between each 8th of the toast. When I remember, I look quickly around to see if Lucius is paying attention to me. Noticing that he isn't, I feel bad. I wish I still had some toast left to cut so that he would pay attention to me- tell me to stop. So I stop eating altogether. I am full, anyway.
Getting up, I walk slowly to class, brain stuck on my mistake. I don't know if I can keep my toast down- it has to be cut right before I eat it, or everything will fall apart and nobody will pay attention to me anymore. I have a hard time focusing in class. After my first class, I go to the bathroom and make myself throw up the toast. Mind foggy, stomach reeling, I stagger to my next class. To make up for breakfast, I don't take any food at lunch. Lucius, finally paying attention to me, tells me I look awful, and puts an apple, a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, and a chocolate-chip cookie on my plate it is too much too much I can't eat I can't eat. When he notices me slowly moving the sandwich around the plate, he puts one half in my hand and quietly orders me to eat.
"It's cut wrong" I mumble.
"Severus, I am growing very tired of your games. Eat your food, or I will drag you back to the hospital wing for you to be weighed. You know if Madame Pomfrey knew how much you weigh, you would be sent back to St. Mungo's, don't you?" he whisper-yells at me. I look down at my plate, letting my hair swing down like a drape, hiding my small smile. I finish cutting my sandwich the right way, and eat it slowly. I put the apple in my bookbag for later when Lucius isn't looking, and eat my cookie. Tear it in half down the middle, put the right side down, turn the left side so that the ridge of the cookie is facing up, then tear that side in half. Put the right side down, then tear the left side into pinkie-nail sized pieces one at a time to eat. After eating that side, eat the other quarter, then repeat on the right side.
After I am done with my classes, I eat supper away with Evan and Thorfinn. I eat my mashed potatoes, chicken breast, and broccoli without paying much attention to the details, although I do remember to cut the chicken into quarters before eating. Down the middle, then horizontal from the left. As I am laughing at one of Evan's jokes, Narcissa comes up behind me and gives me a small hug.
"See you at 10" she whispers, I turn around and smile at her as she walks away, hair swinging like a sheet. When I turn back, I notice Lucius looking after her hungrily. When he sees me looking at him warily, he smiles that sneering smile at me, then turns back to his friends.
On my way back from supper, James Potter trips me.
"Oops, didn't see you there, Snivellus" he sneers. Peter Pettigrew laughs. I wince as I get up, knees complaining, wrists stiff from taking the brunt of the fall. I don't even look at them as I walk away.
At 10 o'clock, I take my seat on the sheepskin rug by the fire. Lucius is not there yet, but still, I don't dare sit in his seat- I know that as soon as he gets here, I will have to move, anyway, and I don't want him to be mad at me. Exhausted and weak, I lie down and rub my bruised knees, letting the warmth of the fire wash over my bony body, feeling the cold that seems to live in my bones disperse, if only for a few minutes.
"Severus! What are you doing? Are you hurt?" ask Narcissa softly, coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder.
"No! No, I'm okay, I just tripped earlier, but I'm alright," I say, turning around to face her and sitting up, "Why don't you sit down?"
"Oh, I was about to, I just wanted to make sure you were alright," she says haughtily, getting up and taking the seat opposite of where Lucius normally sits, "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"
You see the thing is that I thought Lucius would already be here and I honestly have no idea I just made that up to get you to meet me here and what am I supposed to say Lucius is gonna be so mad if I mess this up "Um, what do I do if I like a girl?"
"What do you mean?" she asks, cracking a small smile, and tilting her head. Her eyes seem to twinkle with that disguised merriment.
"Like, what if, say, somebody I know has a crush on this girl, and she's really pretty, and they've been friends with that girl since a long time ago, but now they want to tell the girl how they feel?"
"Who is it, Severus?" at that moment, Lucius walks in and sits down in his chair. I suddenly realize that I am nauseous with anxiety.
"Good evening, Narcissa, Severus" he says, inclining his head towards Narcissa, not even looking at me.
"Hello, Lucius" Narcissa responds.
"You look lovely tonight, Narcissa" I notice a pink tinge creeping up her cheekbones.
"Really, I don't think so, my hair has gotten too long!" she says, absentmindedly pulling it over her shoulder and running her delicate, white hand with its long nails through it.
"No, it is perfect" Lucius purrs, smiling the smile he smiles at me when he wants me to do something for him. I look away, and lie back down by the fire.
I wake to Lucius' hand on my shoulder. The common room is dark, but for the fire still crackling away merrily.
"You did well," he murmurs, picks me up in his strong, muscular arms, and lays me down on the green leather couch. Suddenly cold, I snuggle into my robes and curl my legs up to my chest. Lucius turns to his armchair, picks up a box, and hands it to me. Sitting up excitedly, I take the box and look at him apprehensively for a signal. He smiles. I slowly open the box, and softly brushing away the colored paper, I pull out a brand new knitted sweater- dark green, with a lighter green and white snake in the shape of the letter "S" on the front, with exquisite cable patterns. I put it aside, and grab Lucius in a tight hug.
"Thank you thank you thank you! It's so cool!" I exclaim.
"I'm glad you like it! I thought you would. It should fit you, but if it is too large, you can always grow into it," he purrs, holding me tightly, "Why don't you try it on?" I stiffen.
"It's a little cold. I'll wear it this weekend!"
"Excuse me? I asked you to try it on" he says, tilting my jaw up to look in my eyes. I don't want to take my robe and Slytherin sweater off to expose the bones clearly visible through my 8 year old sized undershirt. But, without protest, I take them off, trying and failing to cover up the hip bones jutting out from above my belt, or the ribs, vivid underneath my milk-white skin in the firelight. When I put the robe and sweater down on the couch, Lucius tentatively wraps his fingers around my tiny arm, then looks at me angrily.
"'It's a little cold'?" he sneers, "Why? Why won't you just EAT?" the loud voice, frightens me, and I try to pull away. He pulls back, just like my father does when I try to run away, and suddenly I am terrified. I turn around and try to push his hand off my arm. He grabs me by the waist and shoves me onto the couch, "Look," he says more quietly, holding me there, "you won't be able to finish school the way you're headed. How do I get it through your head that you need to eat to stay alive? You know what happens when you don't eat! How many times have you been to St. Mungo's, near starvation? Now, listen to me, listen!" he says, forcing my head around to look at him again and wiping the tears from my face, "You're going to start working on eating a bit more for me, yes? Good, now try on your new sweater and stop crying"
The sweater is far too big, but Lucius seems content.
"Thank you for the sweater, Lucius. I love it" I sniffle, wiping another rogue tear from my eye.
"No, Severus, thank you," he responds, smoothing my hair back, "tonight was very successful. Let's just say, you'll be seeing a lot more of Narcissa from now on" and he smiles at me.
"Did you ask her out?" I ask, perking up a little.
"Did I? Of course I did! And of course she said yes"
"That's awesome! I'm so happy for you!" I smile up at him, and he pats me on the back.
"Now, run off to bed! It's getting late, and you have an exam tomorrow!"
"How did you know about that?" I ask, disgruntled.
"Severus, like I said, your business is my business. Now, go on! Get some sleep, and I want to see you eating a good breakfast tomorrow so that you can concentrate on your exam, yes?"
"Okay, goodnight, Lucius, and thank you again for the awesome sweater!" I say, hugging him briefly, and taking my robe and Slytherin sweater off the couch.
As I get ready for bed, I reflect on the day's events. Taking my new sweater off, I fold it very nicely, and put it on top of my trunk at the foot of my bed, right next to my school uniform for tomorrow.
When I wake up in the morning, I am holding it tightly in my arms, right up against my face.