Chapter 25
Healing
At the hospital he asks me to park the car for him, so he can attend to Yanna right away. He recommends I wait for him in the surgical waiting room, so that I won't be as likely to find myself in the presence of a bleeding patient. I hate being separated from him, but there's no other way, since the rules of Volterra don't apply here.
In the hospital, among humans, I have to remember to be careful how I move. I'm nervous as I occupy the surgical waiting room. When the clock strikes six I feel anxious, knowing Carlisle is going to be operating on someone very dear to me. I know he's a talented surgeon, but Yanna is different from any other patient he's ever treated.
I slowly pace the room, noting the two other families waiting, while I'm alone. They sip free coffee, while I try to block out all the hospital smells. Even in the waiting room, I can smell blood. It's like the building is steeped in it, and even the odor of disinfectant can't block it out. I leave the waiting room and head outside the hospital.
It's not the odors that make me leave, but an oversight. The hospital doesn't allow cell phone use inside. Once outside, I take out the phone and call Alice. She immediately apologizes for the secrets, and for not being with me as I wait.
"I'm sorry Bella, I just can't. Hospitals just... they remind me too much of a bad time in my life. Even if there weren't sick and bleeding people all over the place... I'm sorry."
"Alice, Sabrina should be here. I must have overlooked her in all the supernatural confusion, but Yanna would want her here."
"I hate to tell you this, but Sabrina doesn't want to be there. She's been pretty overwhelmed with all the drama that's surrounded her this week."
"But they're a couple... doesn't she care what happens?" Just as I'm thinking about how uncaring it seems, I recall that I wasn't there when Ness gave birth.
"That's just it... they were still in the early stages of their relationship when it all hit the fan. She doesn't like being locked up and guarded, and she didn't bargain for a lover who needs brain surgery. I think she's calling it quits. I went by to talk to her after you left, and she seems to be writing her off."
I groan into the phone. "That's awful. Thanks for trying." I worry about how Yanna will take the news. "Do you want me to call and let you know how things go, or do you already know?"
"Call me. Bella, if you really need me, I'll come."
"That's okay. Carlisle's here." We say our goodbyes, and I walk back inside the hospital to wait. I have no idea how long the surgery will take. I'm sure brain surgery is complicated and delicate, but I know Carlisle can move with more speed and precision than normal human surgeons.
I think I'll go crazy if I have to just sit and watch the clock. I decide to go outside and call Nessie. I'm on my way out, through the main lobby, when they come through the doors. I smell them before I see them, and I freeze.
Blood – lots of blood.
My eyes zero in on the pair, as the woman who's clearly his mother, guides a boy of about eight to the desk. The dishtowel wrapped around his hand is inadequate to staunch the bleeding, and they leave a trail from the door to the desk. Twelve little drops of forbidden fruit hit the floor, leading to the tree of life I'm not permitted to eat from. I stare, holding my breath.
I see the worry on the mother's face, and listen to her explanation of what happened. I hear the little whimpers of the child as he tries to put on a brave front. I also hear the sound of the blood, as it moves through his body, and escapes through the slice in his hand. He was trying to cut up an apple for his school lunch, and his hand slipped. And now I'm staring at him, and dreaming about how lovely that blood would taste on my tongue.
I watch as a nurse comes around to check him – maybe to determine how badly he's hurt. As she removes the towel, his mother glimpses the gash, and does something I'm all too familiar with. She faints. And just like that, I catch her before she hits the floor. The nurse hadn't seen me as she was so intent on dealing with the boy, but I'm suddenly just a foot away from a bleeding wound. I stare, then force myself to look at his face.
The boy looks at me with wide, terrified eyes, and I remember I've had human blood recently enough to still have a red tinge to my eyes. I force a smile, and hope it doesn't look like a grimace.
"It's going to be okay, she just passed out at the sight of blood..." Unfortunately, talking forces me to breathe. I swallow several times, and fight my very nature to keep from attacking him, his mother, the nurse, and anyone else with a beating heart. I remember how terrified I'd been in the face of James and his coven. I remember the feral look in Jasper's eyes on my birthday. I remember the red-eyed vampires of Volterra before the fall. And I remember that I've already resisted Nessie's blood and Yanna's blood.
I. Will. Not. Fail!
"I know it's scary, but your mom will wake up soon. I used to do the same thing until I got used to it." I try to reassure the boy. I hear his heartbeat slow, and know he's calmer Another nurse provides a pillow, and I carefully lay his mother down and prop her feet. As the nurse leads the boy back to the exam rooms, he looks over his shoulder and stares at me.
"It's a good thing you were here, or she could have hit her head pretty hard on the floor." The nurse's appreciation is all but lost on me. The urge to chase the boy and pounce passes slowly. The mother is coming around, and the nurse has taken charge. I can feel the blood on my hands, and I don't even know how it got there. I resist the temptation to lick my fingers, and instead head for the bathroom to wash them.
I don't feel like talking now, and I head back up to the waiting room. I can't believe I didn't hurt them. One little paper cut was all it took to send Jasper into a frenzy over my blood. James had managed to bite me, and then let me go. And Carlisle is able to be in and around blood all the time and not lose control. It's like there were so many different ways to respond, and the frenzy wasn't guaranteed. I knew I had better than average control, but I'd never really tested myself, since the cost of failure is too high.
I was definitely tempted, but I just knew I wouldn't attack them. I remember Carlisle thought that James' bite had given me a bit of a vaccination against the effects of the venom, and I think he's right. But as I stood there looking at the boy, I knew for a fact that I had a choice. It was a tough choice, but once I made it, I felt my resistance strengthen.
I finally know how Edward felt being around me when I was human... at least a little. It must have felt like being next to someone with a bleeding wound that never closed. I wish I could tell him I have a new appreciation for his restraint. It would probably be like me trying to hold that child's hand, rock him to sleep or give him a kiss goodnight. Edward did it all the time, and I know Carlisle can do it too.
There's no one to tell, but I make myself a promise, indeed I make all of humanity a promise. I'm never going to drink human blood – unless it's the donated stuff. Never. There's no such thing as "slipping." I'm not going to rebel against this choice, and I'm not going to be the one to decide who deserves to live and who deserves to die.
I had to smile. I knew that wasn't entirely true. I would still gladly end Joham if given the chance. The same is true of anyone else who willfully threatens my family.
The waiting room is empty, and I sit and wait. Intentionally I face away from the clock, but I can feel time passing, even if I couldn't hear the ticking – which I can. By noon, I'm still and quiet as the furniture. I hear the click and swoosh of the door and turn expectantly. It's him.
I stand inhumanly fast and rush to him. His face gives nothing away, and he gathers me into his arms and holds me tight. His words are too quiet for human ears to hear.
"I've done all I can for her, and she came through the surgery well. I've stopped the bleeding, and I've done what's called a hemicraniectomy, where I've removed part of the bone surrounding her brain, until the swelling goes down. I'll have to do a second surgery when that happens, but it prevents further injury."
"Is she going to be okay?" I'm afraid to ask.
"I can't say yet. It's really hard to tell with brain injury." He presses his cheek against the top of my head. "She's a hybrid, so I'm hopeful her healing will compensate for the damage." He pulls away and looks me in the eyes. "How in the world did you figure out she had von Willebrand disease? I rushed the tests, and it's definite."
"I looked up her birth family on the internet, and a newspaper did an interview with her birth mother's mom. She was heartbroken over the disappearance of her daughter, and told the reporter her sister had died the year before because of internal bleeding from von Willebrand disease. I was good in Biology, and we had to do research on different diseases and how likely they were to be passed on from parent to child. I remembered von Willebrand could be passed on even if only one parent carried it. It also wasn't sex specific, like hemophilia."
I look up at him with a smile. "I had a minor fascination with blood. I bruised so easily I thought maybe I had something wrong with me, and of course I got dizzy around even a little blood. I was trying to figure out how likely it was for someone in one of my classes to hit a real gusher and knock me unconscious."
He laughs softly. "Neither hemophilia nor von Willebrand mean they would bleed faster, just longer. It's why I had to operate to close off the bleeding injuries." He shakes his head. "I've been working with the hybrids for two years, and I've never seen one who carried over a human frailty like this. It just doesn't make sense."
"She was born before Joham came to Volterra. She's Caius' daughter."
"I knew that much. In fact I can see the resemblance to her father."
"Because she wasn't related to him, Joham took her as his mistress – if you could call it that – sex slave is more correct." He just stares at me in shock. "He tried to get her pregnant, but she couldn't conceive. Then he tried to change her, through several different experiments. He tortured her for two years – her and then later Arianna. They were the children of the leaders, and he used them for leverage against their fathers." His face reflects the horror of the story, then he pulls me close and holds me tight.
"She's lucky to have you in her corner. We'll get her through this."
"Do you really mean we?" I meet his eyes.
It's the first real smile I've seen since he arrived, and it warms me just to see it. "Yes I mean we." He caresses my face, and his fingers comb through my hair. "Alice told me you've all but adopted her. If she's important to you, then she matters to me too. I want to be with you, Bella."
His simple words steal my breath. I want a perfect moment, and a romantic location, but I just can't wait.
"I love you, Carlisle."
I watch the emotions play over his face: Disbelief, surprise, happiness, and finally – finally love. Then he's holding me so tight, and I cling to him, as he covers my face in kisses. Our mouths meet, and enjoy all the freedom of two people in love. I drink him in, barely mindful that we're in a public place.
He pulls away abruptly and takes his phone from his pocket. He looks at me apologetically. "I have to go..." He doesn't fill me in, but leaves in a hurry. I'm standing in the waiting room, aching for his presence, and the information he didn't share.
I wander to a chair and sit down to wait again. Another hour passes, and a young girl with a volunteer badge comes to tell me that my sister had to go back into surgery. My sister? I wasn't aware that she'd been checked in like that, but I can't exactly call her my daughter when we both look the same age. I appreciate Carlisle's quick thinking, since it gives me status as her relative. Still, I'm worried that she had an emergency that took him away from me.
The volunteer has left me to my thoughts, and it surprises me that I don't notice him until he puts his hand on my shoulder. I turn and see his blond hair and golden eyes. My hope dies as fast as it blooms. It's Jasper.
He wraps me in his arms and holds me close. "It's going to be okay Bella." His soft drawl is welcome music to my ears.
"What are you doing here? If Aro or the guard find you here..." His laughter stops me.
"This is a hospital. They couldn't show their faces here, unless they were ready to start a bloodbath. I'm safer here than anyplace else."
I look at him, and remember his particular sensitivity. "But what about... should you be here?" I'm suddenly worried about every patient in the place.
His sad smile breaks my heart. "I admit the place smells like a slaughterhouse to me. But I've come a long way since I tried to feed on you all those years ago. I'll never be as good as Carlisle, but I'm a damn sight better than Aro! I haven't fed from a human, since before we left Forks to try to save your life."
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so suspicious." I look at his concerned face. "What are you doing here?"
"Alice thought you might need me – for emotional support." I pull away from him, suddenly shaking.
"Oh god, she's not going to make it, is she? Carlisle's not going to be able to save my girl!" I cant stand the thought that the poor abused child I've claimed as my own is dying, and no one can save her.
He puts his arms around me again. "Calm down Bella, that's not why I'm here. She hasn't seen the future, she just thought you might need someone to sit with you, for emotional support." Our eyes meet, and I know he's telling me the truth. He hugs me again as I sag into his arms. It feels good to have such supportive friends. I finally sit up and glance at the clock.
"Thanks. I'm trying not to worry, but I guess I'm not very good at it."
"She means a lot to you, doesn't she?" I silently nod, and he smiles. "You don't do anything halfway, do you Bella? I can already feel you love this girl like she's your own child.
"She's a child of my heart. I only wish I'd found her sooner." He looks at me as if something's bothering him. "What is it?"
He looks nervous. "Don't take this the wrong way... but you remind me a little of Esme. She didn't just take a bunch of us in like boarders, she adopted us like family. She may not have been able to have babies of her own, but we were all loved like we were her children. At this point, I'm not sure if Carlisle is attracted to that kind of woman, or if he inspires that kind of love – but you have it."
I feel a small stab of guilt. It's fading now that I know I couldn't have saved her, but I still feel like I'm stealing the life she lead. I want the man she loved.
Jasper takes my hand. "Whatever you're feeling guilty about, don't. Esme only wanted her family to be happy. You two are good for each other..." The sound of the door silences him. We both turn as Carlisle comes in. I feel a wave of worry and contrition from Jasper, as he stands to face the man who's been his father figure for so long. Carlisle hasn't seen Jasper since before the incident with Arianna.
They stare at one another, like the prodigal son returned to his father. Human eyes would have missed the subtle shift in Carlisle's demeanor, but I see the way he relaxes his guard and opens himself up; in a sense welcoming him back to the fold. Jasper drops his military stance and runs to him, flinging his arms around him tight. Human men would never hug like this unless they were lovers. It's as if walls between them have fallen, and I'm overwhelmed with the waves of joy and love flowing from Jasper. Cheeks are kissed and backs are patted before the two blond men separate.
They stand close, neither speaking, but Jasper's smile tells the story. I stand and approach, still afraid Carlisle has bad news for me. Jasper moves to face me, keeping his arm around Carlisle, as if he's reluctant to let him go. With his arm still around Jasper, Carlisle pulls me close in a three-way hug. I feel an emotional tide from Jasper, but it's nothing compared to the love I feel for Carlisle.
"I had to operate again." I feel my knees go weak, and both men hold me up. "I replaced the bone I'd removed from her skull, since the swelling in her brain went down. I had to move quick since her enhanced healing is beginning to take over." It finally hits me that it's good news, and I hold him tight, feeling relief and thanks.
"I'm still not sure how her recovery will go, but she's healing, and all of her life signs are good. I'm pretty sure at this point that she's going to live." It's enough for now. Jasper has let him go, and I feel his arms around me. Secure in his embrace, I meet his eyes. I can't say a word, so I pull his face closer and kiss him.
I melt into our kiss, and nothing else matters for long moments. Just him. His mouth, his lips, his warm scent, his hands gliding over my back, his body pressed against mine, his soft hair sifting through my fingers, his low moan and his tongue telling me our kissing is no longer innocent or chaste.
Jasper's throat clearing is an unwelcome intrusion. I need this man, can't he see that? But Carlisle breaks away and we stare at one another. I love how red his lips look from kissing, and his gaze of naked hunger makes me want to attack him.
"Shouldn't you go someplace more private if you want to... talk?" Jasper's crooked little smile communicates what he's thinking we really want to do, and he's right. Yanna's not going to die, and Carlisle is in my arms. Nothing else matters.
Carlisle speaks to both of us. "I've still got to keep an eye on her progress. We're keeping her in a medically induced coma so she can better heal. Because of her ability, I thought it would be better to keep her completely under." His eyes meet mine. "I do need to talk to you alone. They can reach me if they need me."
With his hand on the small of my back, he guides me from the room, leaving Jasper behind. I expect him to know where to find an empty room or office, but he leads me to the exit, and asks me where I parked. I'd left the car in a parking structure, and I'm embarrassed to discover I'd left the door unlocked in my rush.
"At least it's not mine, and it's still here." His smile warms me, but when he opens the door to the big back seat I catch my breath. In seconds we're sitting together in the quiet, dark space. I move to hug him, but he stops me. "Please darling... we need to talk."
I sit, still and nervous, and he takes my hand. "I've missed you, Bella – much more than I thought I would. I was afraid what I felt for you was merely infatuation, or physical desire. I confess, that's part of the reason I left without telling you. I needed to get away from you. You were invading my every thought, and even when I tried to put an end to what was happening between us, I couldn't."
"But you did. You did put an end to it, and you left me, and then you left Volterra."
"Did I really? Did you really feel like we were finished, or did you keep thinking about me? I couldn't just put you behind me. I was going through the motions, and functioning, but everything in me screamed that I'd made a terrible mistake. I had to fight not to go to you, and beg you to forgive me. When I saw you and Alice had made peace, I knew I'd misjudged you. Then everything blew up with Alice and Jasper, and I just didn't have a chance to talk to you."
"I'm sorry... I didn't want to talk to you. It hurt when you wrote me off so easily. I couldn't take one more disappointment."
"I am so sorry!" He pulls me to him, and holds me tight. "Bella, please forgive me. I promise I'll never turn my back on you again."
I pull away from him so I can look at his face in the dim light. "I did something... something you need to know..." He's still and quiet, and I wish for a distraction, or for a hole to open up and swallow me so I don't have to tell him. "I went to help Arianna like I told you. She was fine, but later Aro came home. We talked and he knew what Jasper had done, and that we'd lied and covered it up." I sigh, and bite my lip. "As we talked, he told me he wanted me to be his mate. He said he wanted to snatch me away from you, because you'd made a fool of him." I squirm uncomfortably in my seat.
"I was afraid he would find out. I needed to give Jasper as much of a lead on him as I could. I didn't think he'd try to use you to get to me; that's low even for Aro."
"I don't think that's the whole reason." I hate this. I want to be holding him and kissing him, and promising to love him forever, not telling him something that could drive a wedge between us. "After I left, I went to talk to Alice. She told me you'd gone, and I wanted to follow you... and tell you how I feel. She said if I left Volterra to be with you, Aro would kill Jasper. She begged me to stay. Aro had already admitted to being in love with her, but he also claimed he wanted me because he could read her love for Jasper, and he couldn't read me."
"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry I put you in that position." He tries again to pull me close, and I resist.
"I promised his children I would come back and shield their minds so they could sleep peacefully. While they slept, Ari and I talked. He... he told me some things he'd read from you and Edward. Then he tried to kiss me, and... I let him." I try to read his expression, but it's blank. "At first I just didn't want to fight and wake up his children. But then I thought that maybe I could try to feel something for him. I was afraid you'd gone away to be with Colette, and if I was with Aro, then at least Alice and Jasper would be safe."
"Did you enjoy it?" His voice is soft and emotionless.
"Yes." I hate to admit it, but I don't want to lie to him. "He's a very passionate man. The next day, he came to my room to talk, but he didn't talk. We kissed again, and he tried to go further, but I stopped him."
"Why?" I hate that I can't tell what he's thinking.
"I told him I didn't love him, and I couldn't be with someone I didn't love."
"How did he take it?" He's so calm, it scares me.
"He laughed and said love wasn't important. He said he would only quit pursuing me when you and I exchanged vows."
I hear his soft laughter from the shadows. "Aro is a fool. Love is the only thing that matters."
"Are you angry with me? Have I messed up what we had?" I don't like sounding so timid, but I'm afraid of his answer.
"No. It actually makes it easier to tell you of my own folly. I kissed Colette." I feel the air squeezed out of me. "We made our way straight to Denali from here. It's a long trip, and after several long flights, I rented a car to take us the final leg. I was caught up in thoughts of you, and I'd forgotten that she had needs for food and sleep, and when she complained, I stopped at a hotel. She begged me not to leave her alone in her own room, so we shared. She ate, and showered, and I'd given her the bed. I was planning on hunting while she slept." He fidgets in his seat.
"She wasn't ready to sleep, and we talked for a while. She wanted to know if you and I were a couple, and I had to admit that I didn't know. Then she told me she wanted me." He ran his fingers nervously through his hair, though I thought he'd rather be pacing. "I guess I knew how she felt, but she'd never told me in so many words. I tried to talk her out of her feelings, and tell her it was only infatuation." He gives a short laugh.
"Bella, Colette doesn't really love me. She's not even infatuated. She just thinks we could be good together. She told me she would be happy to have sex with me, and have my babies, but she didn't know if she could fall in love. Then she asked me to kiss her, and I did." He lets out a deep breath. "I had to see if there was any spark there. I wanted to know if we really could be good together. I needed to know if what I felt with you was real." It's my turn to ask.
"Did you enjoy it?" In my mind I beg him to say no.
"Yes. Colette's a very pretty girl. She's soft and warm, and she was quite enthusiastic. I won't lie, we kissed for a long time. I really wanted to feel something for her. But I couldn't."
"Why?" I can barely get the word out.
His voice is so solemn. "I couldn't feel anything for her Bella, because I'm in love with you." His declaration is almost enough to start my heart beating again. He loves me! He's in love with me! I feel laughter bubble up out of me, and I'm so happy it feels like a creature of pure joy has taken me over. In an instant I'm in his arms, kissing him breathlessly as he touches and holds me.
Time passes with nothing but the sounds of our mouths, wet and hungry against each other, and the faint susurrus of the fabric between us. He's the one to pull away, and I can hear him breathing hard.
My god Bella, I want you! But we can't do this here and now."
"Then when and where? I want you too, Carlisle."
"Why?" His question catches me off guard. Then I smile.
"I want you, because you're a beautiful, amazingly sexy man. I want you, because I know we'll be great together physically. But more importantly, we'll be great together afterward, with our clothes on. I love you, Carlisle. I'm in love with you, and I want to be as close to you as two people can be. I want to undress you, and make love to you, and feel you inside me. And I want to hold you in my arms afterward and never let you go. I'm crazy about you, and I love you so much it hurts, and if you don't kiss me and shut me up, I'm going to..."
Then he does, and we're kissing with a passion Aro can't touch. His hands tear through my hair, and I squeeze him tight. It's crazy how badly I want him, and I'm about to begin tearing off clothes when I feel his hand on my breast. I arch into him and he gently squeezes. For a moment I envy Esme's larger size, then he banishes all thoughts when that hand slips inside my blouse, and bypasses my bra. His fingers on my bare breast makes me moan. I need him.
I move to straddle him in the seat, careful not to lose his delicious touch. I place my hand over his encouragingly. "Don't stop baby, please..." I whisper in his ear, before I take the lobe in my mouth and suck it.
"Bella please..." His voice is dripping with passion, and it rasps along my nerves, driving me crazy. I kiss his neck, licking and sucking like I could eat him. He clutches me to him and whispers my name repeatedly. When he pulls me away, I stare down at him, seeing the glass-like blackness of his hungry eyes, even in the diffuse light. "I love you, my beautiful Bella."
His hands clutch my hair, and he pulls my head back, forcing me to arch against him. Then one hand unfastens the buttons on my blouse, and he pushes it from my shoulders. He kisses between my breasts, then he tears my bra with his teeth and shoves it aside. I hear his gasp, as he takes in my half naked body. I feel my peaks harden in anticipation.
I cry out loudly as he puts his mouth on me. "I love you, Carlisle. I love you so much... please don't stop!" He feasts on me; lips, tongue, teeth, and hands, exploring, tasting, and inflaming me to a point where I can't even think. I'm desperate for him.
I slide closer to him, feeling my center rub up against his hardness. I feel him through our clothes. He's hard, and he's huge. I grind against him as he continues to lick and suck at my exposed flesh. I slide back and reach between us to unfasten his pants. I need to feel him, touch him, and take him into me. Boldly I slip my hand into his pants, and we both gasp. His smooth skin covers a plentiful hardness that makes me ache to feel him inside me.
"Oh god no, Bella...!" He moves quickly, setting me beside him and fastening his pants. He then stares at me hungrily before covering me with my blouse, and trying to work the buttons. "We can't do this! Not now... not like this! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take advantage of you."
"You didn't take advantage. I love you, and I want to make love with you." I work my ruined bra out of my blouse through the sleeves, and he stares.
"I love you my darling Bella. But I don't just want to take you in the back seat of a car, in a public place. I want to be alone with you, and savor our time together – not rush through it in a frenzy.
"I don't care about all that – I want you. I love you, and we'll have lots of time to go slow. Carlisle, I just want you... now!"
"Marry me, Bella."
A/N: I hope you've noticed I've put up my first chapter on my Aro outtake. As a couple have pointed out, it's not following cannon on a few points, but I'm claiming creative license and sticking by what I've written. I'm not sure, but I suspect the inaccuracies come from either Midnight Sun, or T.S.S.L.o. Bree Tanner. Strangely I've had no desire to read either of those works.
Also, I've been acting as one of four Beta's for Raum, an Italian writer on here. She's just started posting a story called: An Italian Winter (in English), and you should check it out. I've just read through the outline, and she's got an original story to tell. Musician Edward is in his rebellious phase, but his history is changed. Bella is a human, Italian literature teacher. Both have a painful past to confront. The first two chapters are up, and the story is finished, all but the Beta tweaks.