My heart began to race, and my head was starting to spin. But my eyes never left his face, yet Alvin was still looking away from me. I gulped. I was shivering with fright because of the situation I was in. I didn't have the guts to talk to him, because I knew what it was gonna be about. He knows that I'm in love with him - me, his best friend, his rival since we were 5, the girl he trusted, the girl he told everything to...
Now, we were nothing but strangers to each other.
It killed me to remember his face, and his reaction when I screamed my true feelings to him. I remember the feeling I got when I said it to him. It felt like a cold breeze that had swept over my body, relieved that I got it off my chest. But that feeling died in about 2 seconds when I saw his face. He looked shocked, confused and unbelieving, as if he thought it was all a joke. And that's what pained me - his reaction, and the words he said to me.
'Brittany, I still don't get it. What do you mean?'
I remember asking him why it was so hard for him to understand. Why didn't he understand? I said the words 'I love you' to him. How is that so hard to understand and believe? My heart was swelling at the memory, the way the tears ran down my face, how I shook with agony, how my throat was closing in because of all the screaming I did...
'CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU?'
The words were stinging in my ears. I couldn't believe that those words came out of my own mouth, straight from my own heart - my torn up, shattered heart. And ever since that night, it was as if my heart turned into glass. It felt like breaking into a trillion little pieces every time I felt, heard, or saw something go wrong in my life.
But Alvin's answer, that was the one sentence I don't dare to replay in my head. I've cried almost every night, hearing those words pour back into my mind. The way Alvin looked at me when he said it, he looked frightened, yet pitiful. But he still said it to my face, breaking and murdering the rest of me.
'Because I love her.'
And that's when I wanted to run away. But the closest thing I had to running away was to run away from Alvin himself. And that's what I did. I ran, as tears of my personal hell washed my face, stinging as if my tears were made out of blades. I can't handle this again. I can't talk to him anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I don't want to scream or cry, because those are the only things I have done ever since I told him I loved him.
My mind flashed back to last week, with my date with Anthony. He told me he loved me, I told him I didn't feel the same, I had hurt him, and I watched him walk away from me. I wanted to run after him, saying I didn't mean to hurt him, but I couldn't. I knew how Anthony was feeling, if not, even more.
I didn't realize that Alvin and I have been standing out here for about a minute and a half, before he raised his head to look back into my eyes, but again, he remained silent. I waited. We were looking at each other for the next 10 seconds or so, staring at each other's face as if trying to read each other's mind.
I waited again, but the look Alvin wore on his face told me that he was expecting me to say something first. But I wouldn't. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I bit my tongue back, preventing myself from saying something I may highly regret.
And if I said something, regarding what happened to us when I told him I loved him, I knew I would start crying. But I had enough. I was tired of crying. I am done with screaming. I had to stay strong. But with each beat of my heart, I began to grow more weak, until it got to the point where I felt like giving in, like I wanted to surrender...
Finally, Alvin sighed, taking his eyes off my face once more. "We need to talk." He said again, but this time in a whisper.
I sighed deeply, and shut my eyes. I shook my head.
"Please." He whispered.
I opened my eyes, and found him staring back into my eyes, but in a more urgent and serious way. He didn't look like the Alvin Seville I knew. Was this really the boy who made me laugh uncontrollably, the boy I joked around with, the boy I fought with, the boy who loved to get into trouble, the boy I trusted? Yes, of course he was. But the seriousness in his tone, and the way he stared hard into my eyes made me forget who he was for a second.
But what really threw me off the edge was the fact that our faces were now just a few inches apart from each other.
I inhaled deeply. "No." I whispered.
"Please, Brittany." He said.
I stared hard at his face, feeling my heart speed up even faster. Our faces were so close, yet, I wasn't feeling afraid. I was only afraid of getting hurt. I took one step away from him. "No."
Alvin sighed, frustrated. "Fine." He said. "Then just listen."
As I mentioned, I was tired of getting hurt. And before my heart was dropped to the ground, before my ears heard something I didn't want, I turned around on my heel, and I began to walk away. But I had no success in my attempted escape. I felt Alvin grip onto my arm, and he pulled me back to him, making me face him once more.
"Don't walk away fom me." He said. He released my arm. "Please."
I pulled myself away from him, allowing a few feet of space between us. "Fine." I fired, hearing how weak my voice was. I hated myself for giving into his pleads, because I was starting to get that feeling where I just wanted to run away and cry.
Alvin sighed. He said nothing for a few seconds, as if he couldn't bring himself to talk. I waited, but he still didn't say anything. I shook my head, and once again, I started to walk away. But just like a few seconds ago, he got a grab of my arm, pulled me back to him and we stared at each other for the longest 2 seconds of my life.
"I wanna talk about that day." He began. I saw how nervous he looked. "The day you...told me."
And instantly, I felt all my self pity and sorrow melt away, and instead came a white-hot anger. I looked at him in disbelief. "You can't bring yourself to say it?" I said, sounding more malicious than intended.
Alvin sighed quietly to himself, but he didn't take his eyes off mine. "The day you told me you loved me." He said quietly.
And right when he said that, my anger melted away, and in returned the insecurities, agony, misery, remorse and suffering I have been dealing with for the past few months. I shook my head and closed my eyes. "Why? To remind me how much of an idiot I made myself be?"
Alvin shook his head. "No-"
I was beginning to feel insane. "To remind me about what you said to me?" I was beginning to breathe roughly. "Because you don't need to do that, you know why Alvin?"
"Brittany, please, just-"
"Because the words you said to me have NEVER left my mind." I screamed.
Alvin didn't reply. I was starting to feel mentally ill again. As hard as I tried to contain myself, I just can't. Everytime I see Alvin, or in this case, talk to him, something inside me sets me off, and that's how I end up yelling at his face like some crazy psychotic freak.
Alvin bit his lip. "Brittany, I-I want to apologize."
I turned away. "Don't." I whispered.
He sighed. "I didn't mean to hurt you like that." He said softly, ignoring my answer. "I was just so...shocked. Surprised. I-I didn't understand what was happening."
I felt hot fresh tears streak my face. It hurt to hear him say that. I shook my head. "Just stop it, please."
"I didn't know how badly you were hurt until you ran out the door." He said, ignoring me once again. "A-And once you did, I felt so angry at myself. I-"
"Why should you feel angry at yourself?" I fired. "You did nothing wrong! Everything is my fault." I started to cry. I looked at him, feeling deadly as I did. "Everything is my fault because I fell in love with you."
Then there was silence. It was so hard to say those words again in front of him. I closed my eyes, scared to look at his face, afraid to see his reaction, frightened that it would hurt me, and terrified that it would make me run away.
"I understa-"
"YOU DON'T!" I screamed. "Don't tell me you understand, because you don't." I looked at him, hard. "Tell me this. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have? Have you felt the things I felt? Have you ever had the person you love, tell you that they love someone else? No, but I have! And it's YOU who made me feel like this!"
Alvin looked so hopeless, but I wasn't gonna back out soon. I needed to get these things out.
"I've been crying every damn night because I love you! All these feelings are because of you!" I yelled.
"Brittany, I-I...I'm sorry." He whispered.
I felt tears run down my cheeks. "You know what? Save it. I mean, there's nothing else left to talk about. I told you everything you wanted to know. You asked why I wasn't acting like myself, and I told you."
Alvin gulped.
"I told you EVERYTHING." I cried. "Everything, Alvin. What else do you want me to say? I suffer everyday, just by being in love with you, and knowing that you don't feel the same. It hurts me to know what happened to us. We were best friends, we were so close to each other. And now, look at whats happened to us. We can barely be in the same room with each other anymore."
Alvin said nothing.
I looked down. "I'm not gonna start crying and screaming at you again, because I know that no matter what, you chose someone else." My voice was breaking apart.
"Britt..." He sighed.
I gulped. "I don't want to hurt you, Alvin. I'm not gonna make you choose because I know you're gonna pick her no matter what." I said, feeling a piece of myself die as I said each word. But I had enough. I had to do something, I had to escape.
"Brittany, stop doing this to yourself." Alvin whispered.
"So tell me, please..." I whispered. "Why do you love Victoria?"
Alvin froze for a long time. When he regained himself, he sighed. "I...Look, Britt, I don't want you to get hurt."
"What difference will that make?" I fired. The two of us said nothing for a whole minute. I shook my head. "I know you love her, but...but just remember that I still love you."
Alvin breathed deeply, like he was still having a hard time hearing that I love him. "I'm sorry, Brittany." He began. "I would never ever hurt you, but...but you just gotta stop this."
I looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"
"This...This isn't right." He said, looking away from me, as if afraid I would strike. "You have to stop."
"Stop what?" I asked.
He continued to keep his eyes away from mine. "You have to stop being in love with me."
When he said that, I felt my heart disappear, melting into a puddle of blood and agony. The words burned like poison. I felt sick. My fingers began to shake with the disblief I just heard. Tears began to spill like waterfalls. "What?"
Alvin closed his eyes for a moment. "I don't want you to suffer any longer. You're my best friend. You'll always be my best friend, but this whole being-in-love-with-me thing has got to stop. I can't stand knowing that I'm the main reason to why you're hurt. You have to move on."
"Move on?" I asked, my voice shattering.
Alvin sighed. "Because if you continue to feel this way for me, you're gonna continue to get hurt. And the last thing I want is for you to feel that. I understand that you feel this way about me, but Britt, you have to stop."
"W-Why are you telling me t-this?" I sobbed.
"I don't want you to get hurt like this anymore. And I can see how emotionally hurt you are. I've been noticing since Septmenber. And I hate myself to know that all along, it was me." Alvin looked at me, looking hurt himself. I knew he was pained to see me cry so hard. "You know I care about you."
"Bullshit." I fired weakly, behind my tears.
He sighed and looked down. "Can I ask you something? Why...why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me when you first began to fall in love with me? Why are you telling me this now, when you know I'm with Victoria? Why didn't you tell me at first?" He asked.
My chest was heaving in and out because of my rapid breathing. "I don't know. I-I-I...I was afraid. I was afraid of what you would say!" I cried. "I was afraid that you were gonna say no."
Alvin looked down. Silence swept upon him for at least 60 seconds. "I wouldn't have said no."
At first, I didn't understand. "What?"
"I just wish you would have told me at first." Said Alvin.
Behind my tears, I managed to look at him, confused. "What do you mean?"
Alvin's eyes met with mine. His eyes were like a pool of soft gold liquid. "Because I was in love with you."
And my whole life came crashing down on me. Like a train wreck, or a car crash, every thought, memory and emotion that I had suffered through, piled up within me. I looked at him with scared eyes, and my heart raced so fast, it almost seemed inhumane. "What?"
Alvin said nothing. But his eyes were still darting into mine, and I could tell he was uncomfortable.
"Alvin, what are you talking about?" I whispered tearfully.
"I-I was in love with you." He said unstably. "Ever since I could remember. Ever since the start of high school, I think." He sighed. "But I never told you because well, we were Alvin and Brittany." He smile weakly. "People knew us as the pair who loved to hate on each other. They would have thought it was a joke if we were together. But we both knew that we were best friends, and that we would stick by each other no matter what."
It was as if someone just told me I only had 24 hours left to live. I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to scream, but nothing came out. My lips were quivering, and my body was shaking.
Alvin sighed before continuing. "I was in love with you, Brittany. But it was impossible to tell, judging the way we act around each other." He frowned a bit, and he looked away from me. "In the beginning of September, the beginning to college, I wanted to tell you, but I didn't have the guts to. But I knew I still had to act the same around you, so it wouldn't be obvious. You know, best 'frenemines'."
I closed my eyes, feeling my heart pump with disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Silence.
"Alvin, why didn't you tell me?" I asked again.
"I..."
I opened my eyes. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME?"
My throat was all dried up, but I didn't care. And a few seconds after I screamed, the sky echoed me, and instantly turned dark grey. And in a matter of seconds, millions of raindrops were falling from the sky. Alvin and I were instantly soaking wet, but with the way we were looking at each other, it was as if it wasn't raining at all.
Now no one could tell I was crying. The tears I shed were mixed with the raindrops that fell on my face. "Why?" I whispered.
Alvin looked hurt and confused. "It...it was too late."
"Too late?" I fired. "What the hell is that suppose to mean?"
Alvin gulped. "After I met Victoria, I...I fell in love with her."
"No." I cried, shaking my head. "That's impossible. You couldn't have fell in love with her that quickly."
Alvin said nothing.
I couldn't believe that we almost had the chance. Alvin and I had the chance to tell each other we loved each other. But our rivalry, our stubborness, and our egos made us miss the chance. It got the best of us. And it killed me to know that if we just had time, we would be together by now, in love, and we would have never gone through all this pain.
But we missed that chance.
"I just needed to tell you." He whispered.
"Why tell me this now?" I whispered, trying so hard to fight back tears.
Alvin looked away. "You need to move on, Brittany."
I shook my head, although he didn't see. "No."
He looked back at me. "Can't you see why this is wrong?"
"But we were both in love with each other at one point." I sobbed. "And you know that I'm still in love with you. I want you to be with me. I want us to be together!"
Alvin looked worried for me. He looked scared. "Don't do this." He whispered.
"And why not?" I cried, feeling burning hot tears dash down my face.
"I don't want you to get hurt anymore." He whispered.
I closed my eyes. "It doesn't matter."
"It matters to me." He said. "Britt, seeing you like this...knowing that you cry everyday because of me, it hurts me. I'm suppose to be your best friend. I'm suppose to protect you. But now with this, it makes me feel like I did something wrong."
And right after he said that, my mind darted to Victoria, and her secret affair. She had another boyfriend, and I was the only one who truly knew the truth. And I wanted to tell Alvin about it, but a part of me was holding myself back. I didn't want to hurt him by telling him. And even though it was the right thing to do, hurting Alvin, and breaking his heart was the last thing I wanted to do.
I just can't tell him.
"You did do something wrong." I whispered. I looked at him. "You fell in love with the wrong girl."
"Britt..." He whispered.
"I know you're with Victoria, but don't forget who has stood by you, all this time. All these years." I said.
"I know." He said quietly. "But Brittany, please don't make me do this." Said Alvin.
"You were in love with me once." I whispered, and I began to walk closer to him. "Who said you can't be in love with me again?"
Alvin gulped, looking fearful, like he didn't want to hurt me.
"I love you." I breathed. "And we both know who's right for you, and who you're right for."
Alvin stayed frozen, paralyzed. He watched me as I took one more step towards him, filling the gap between us.
"Tell me you love me." I whispered abruptly, now face to face with him. Raindrops were dripping off of his bronze hair, and onto his face.
"I-I..." He stuttered.
My blue eyes connected with his gold ones. "Alvin..." I whispered his name. "Tell me you love me."
"I..." Alvin began, then he closed his eyes and took 3 steps away from me. "I can't."
I watched as he backed away from me. He looked frightened. "Yes, you can." I said, but I heard my voice shake.
"Brittany, stop." He whispered tamely, but pleadingly.
"Why can't you tell me?" I whispered.
"I just can't." He answered, looking away from me. It shocked me to see Alvin like this. I have never seen him so scared before. He didn't seem like the overly confident, egotistical, self centered, sporty ladies man everyone knows him as. I can't even find words to explain what he seemed like right now.
"Yes, you can!" I exclaimed again, hearing my voice get a bit pitchy as it broke with each word.
He shook his head, and bit his lower lip. He closed his eyes.
I walked closer to him again. "Please." I whispered. "Tell me you love me. You know you do."
He opened his eyes, and we both found ourselves staring at each other once again. "I'm sorry."
My whole body felt like it had drained of blood. I felt so dead, so ice cold inside. My pulse was getting overworked, and my breathing was high, as if I had just run a marathon. The chilly breeze flew past us, mixed with the cold rain, stinging my tear stained cheeks. "Why?" I whispered feebly.
Alvin closed his eyes shut. The only sounds that could be heard were the soft wooshes of the wind, and the distant honks of car horns from the nearby streets. Alvin and I stood there, in the pouring rain for what seemed like forever, as I waited for him to give me an answer.
After a long 30 seconds, he finally opened his eyes. "I love Victoria."
It was the second time hearing him say those words, but it still cut me like a knife, and shot through me like a bullet. I never knew words could actually damage and sting you, but these words did more than just sting, it killed me. It was as if an invisible hand punched me right in the chest. It hurt that much. I suddenly began to cry, hurtful, agonized tears.
"This is why I can't tell you." Whispered Alvin. "This is why you have to move on, Brittany. I don't want you to get hurt any-"
And in that moment, I didn't know what happened to me. I felt possesed, like I didn't know myself anymore. And without knowing, I brought my hand up, and slapped Alvin across the face. My hand shook as I pulled it back. Alvin suddenly brought his hand up to touch the area I just slapped. He stared at me wide-eyed for a few seconds. And when he looked at me, I just realized what I did.
I cupped my hands over my mouth for a few seconds. "Oh God, Alvin. I didn't mean to!" I cried, walking towards him.
He shook his head, stepped away from me and looked at me. "This is why we shouldn't be together." He fired. "The only thing we know how to do is fight and argue. And before you know it, someone ends up getting hurt."
I wanted to yell, saying that he was the one who hurt me first, but again, I knew I was wrong. He hurt me emotionally, I hurt him physically. "Alvin, I'm so sorry." I sobbed.
Alvin stared at me. He now looked agitated. "I'm sorry too. Sorry for even thinking that I should break up with Victoria, and be with you." He fired, and once he saw my reaction, he said, "I was so close to doing that, Brittany, seconds after I said I love Victoria. But you made me change my mind."
No words could explain the amount of tears I was shedding, but my anger was more powerful than anything right now. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I couldn't believe what Alvin just said. But I didn't have the strength to speak. I glared at him through my tears.
"F-ck you." I whispered through thick and heavy tears.
Then before I knew it, I turned around, and ran away from the hospital, leaving Alvin in front of the doors. I didn't care if my sisters were still inside the hospital, I just ran as I continued to cry brutally and heartlessly. I ran and I ran, all the way back to campus, which took me about 20 minutes. By the time I got there, I was exhausted, and completely drenched with rain.
I ran up the stairs, to my dorm room. I was glad it was empty. I shut the door behind me, ran inside my bedroom, pulled out my suitcases and luggages, pulled out all my clothes from the closet, and carelessly threw them inside the bags. I did the same with all my other belongings. I just tossed them in there, as I continued to cry.
"YEAH? WELL I'M SORRY FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I collapsed onto my bed, and I just sat there, sobbing for the next 10 minutes. When I regained myself, I looked at my suitcase, and my empty closet, and my empty drawers, and everything that held my stuff just minutes ago.
I just had to leave...
Holy crap...
SO ALVIN WAS IN LOVE WITH BRITTANY? WHAT? But of course, Victoria had to come in between them :( And what about Brittany herself? WHAT IN THE WORLD just happened there?
And DAMN IT Alvin! You're really gonna choose Victoria? Really? UGH.
I swear, this had to be the most intense chapter I've written! And this story is FAR from over, so there'll be more drama in the future chapters hehehe :D
Thanks for reading, everyone! Love you all! PLEASE please review! Thankyouu :D