Chapter 25

To divert the tension, Martin jumped up to re-fill my mug. As soon as he was sitting opposite again, I had collected myself enough to use his cue.

"But maybe I'll never find out. I started worrying about it lately."

"But why?" he was looking at me with his light eyes.

"Maybe," I stressed every syllable, "because time is passing and I'm still alone."

Martin looked at me, mouth slightly open as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't utter a word.

"The problem is, you need a father, and I couldn't find the right man, until now."

He sighed. "There must be lots of contenders! You could have anyone you like."

"Really, Martin?"

He stood up brusquely, leaning against the worktop, looking out.

"I can't believe that there aren't loads of men interested in you." His voice was strained.

"That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm interested in them. Maybe," I paused, looking at his back, "maybe I'm just too picky. Waiting for the right man."

Martin turned around, and it always amazed me how swiftly this giant moved. I couldn't help but react with a knot in my stomach again.

"Absolutely." He declared, towering above me.

"What, waiting for the right man?"

"That's what you deserve." He nodded firmly, proving his point.

"So who do you think would be the right man for me?"

His fingers started twitching again.

"Uhm...I don't know. You must know what you're looking for. How you want your right man to be."

„But how can you know before you actually meet him?"

Martin just looked down at me and his eyes were slightly unsteady.

I became tired of waiting for a reaction, as Martin was clearly struggling. So I decided to take the bull by the horns.

"Do you have a clear vision what you expect from a partner? A woman of your dreams, so to speak?"

"What?" He gasped. "That's nonsense, really." He stuttered, a clear sign he wasn't convinced one iota about what he was saying. "What good would it do to get my expectations up?"

"But you just told me…"

"With you it's different." He interrupted me, but his eyes and voice were soft.

"Why? Why should it be OK for me, when it isn't for you?"

Martin's hands wavered vaguely through the space between us. "You deserve it." He finally stated, and he said that firmly and gravely.

"And you don't?" I still didn't get his point.

He leaned back against the worktop. "It's not my kind of thing." he declared bleakly.

"You mean you're not interested in relationships?" This conversation was getting more and more interesting.

Martin sighed and looked at me ever so slowly. His eyes bored into me for quite some time. "I'm not qualified for the mating game." Again, his voice was grave, carrying the burden of the world.

"Why? What makes you think so?"

He slapped the worktop with his palm. "Gawd, isn't it obvious!" He groaned.

"To me it isn't." I told him honestly.

He looked down again. "I'm not particularly sociable."

"You don't have to fraternise with the whole of mankind to find a partner."

"But what would she be up against? I'm not really presentable. Everyone would declare any woman mad who'd put up with me."

Was that what he was thinking about himself? Was that the private Martin Ellingham? An insecure, deeply hurt, very human being?

I got up to walk over to him. "But that's rubbish. You know that?" I tried to rub his arm, but he turned to avoid my touch. "Martin, any woman would be proud to be your partner."

"Gosh, no. I'm hopeless with human interaction. I simply don't understand them!"

I had to agree that this might be true, but at times it had a cuteness about it. Other times, it was just maddening, I had to admit.

"I've seen you with your parents, and you were loyal beyond reason. I still can't believe with how much...tenderness you treated your mother, even after she dropped this bomb."

"I see how you are with Joan, and you are caring and responsible and dedicated. What really blew me was to what length you go with your support. A Kensington flat must cost a fortune. You would sacrifice it for her benefit without batting an eye."

"She's my family. It's, my duty." He clarified as if it was the easiest equation in the world. Two and two, makes four. And one plus one?

To be continued…