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Bella

I stared up at the sky as Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's "Done All Wrong" played from my iPod. After my talk with Carlisle I'd gone ahead with my plans to go to the meadow. Not only did I want to give him and Esme privacy but after what he'd said, I needed some place to think with no interruptions or distractions. The meadow was calm and secluded and I loved it. It was also a place that I knew Edward would come to look for me when he came home from school and found me gone. Because after any tough day, it was always Edward that made me feel better whether I wanted to admit it or not.

Thanks to my gift, I could feel Edward coming long before he reached the meadow. As he got closer I heard the familiar and impossibly fast sound of his foot falls. Then closer still, his warming scent filled my nose and made me sigh in relief. I smiled when he was beside me and enveloping my body in his arms.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, his lips close to my ear. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tight.

"I was waiting for you," I replied.

I felt his face move as he smiled at my words. He was so easy to please. "Well here I am," he murmured as his lips moved along my neck brushing and kissing all the right places. I rolled us so that I was on top and straddled his hips. I ran my fingers through his silky bronze hair and looked into his golden eyes. They were truly beautiful and warm. There was very little beautiful about me and even less that was warm. I tried to imagine myself with eyes like his, like his family's and found that I could picture it quite easily. I rather liked it as well.

"I talked to Carlisle today," I told him.

"About?"

"What we believe. About Hell, redemption, hope, and things like that. Do you believe what he believes. That we can be redeemed?"

"You've read my diaries. You know the answer to that already," Edward replied turning his face away from mine. I palmed his cheek and brought him back to me though.

"I want to hear you say it," I whispered.

"No I don't think we can be redeemed. I think our souls are gone and damned. I think that when we are destroyed we're going to Hell," he said somewhat bitterly. It was the first time I'd heard this tone from him when he was speaking to me. I was angry or offended by it though. This was a sore subject for all vampires. It was rare that this subject could be brought up and discussed calmly like it had been with me and Carlisle earlier in the day.

"So why do you do it," I asked.

"Because I could be wrong. Because I used to be human and life means something to me. Because no matter what I am now, murder is murder and it's wrong. If I have the choice between being a monster and trying to be better then I'm going to go with the latter. Because it makes me hate myself just a little bit less," he said looking up at me with eyes so intense with a century of sadness and self-loathing it was me who looked away this time.

He grabbed my hands and laced our fingers together before kissing the knuckles of both my hands.

"I've been thinking, maybe I should…give it a shot? See how I like it after a month or so? See if I will…hate myself a little less," I responded. He tried to conceal his glee but I saw it anyway. I cracked a small smile before rolling my eyes. He sat up and kissed my lips briefly before pulling back and looking into my eyes.

"It's not easy," he told me. "You'll hate it at first. You'll need to be really dedicated and give it time."

"I figured," I nodded.

"When do you want to start?"

"When I'm figuratively dying of thirst." Edward chuckled in response. "Will you come with me? Feed with me?" I asked.

"I'll do whatever you want me to," he replied and I had no doubt that he meant that statement. I could see the devotion in his eyes and it worried me. I wasn't sure that I was the type of person people should dedicate themselves to.

"You don't have to worry about me," Edward murmured after hearing my thoughts.

"But I do. I don't want to hurt you," I told him.

He'd come to mean a lot to me. From the moment I was brought into the house he was special to me. I awaited his company every day when I was petrified. His scent and voice soothed me. Then when I opened my eyes I realized he was the most beautiful vampire I'd ever seen and I'd seen hundreds upon hundreds. He could calm me down better than anyone else and I just genuinely liked being with him. We didn't have to talk or necessarily do anything. We could just sit on the couch and a good time was guaranteed. He was talented, strong, brilliant, and good. I felt like we had a special connection and I feared that I would eventually ruin that.

"Nothing you could do would ever change the way I feel about you," he said, cupping my face in his hands but I still averted my eyes to avoid looking at him.

"And that's really scary Edward! I'm capable of very awful things. Before I came here my whole life was about getting people to do despicable things for me. A hundred years ago if you'd have said those things to me I would have eagerly took dominion over you and made you do all kinds of fucked up things just for my own shits and giggles!" I exclaimed.

"Exactly," he replied simply.

I looked up at him in shock and confusion. What was he saying? Did he want me to do that?

"Bella I picked several key words out from what you just said. Do you want to know what they are?" he asked and I immediately nodded my head. "Before, was, a hundred years ago, and would have. That's all past tense. None of that is who you are now. I trust you with my life," Edward said.

He leaned forward and captured my lips with his. I gasped into his mouth as the now familiar tingle of warm electricity surged up my spine and through my body. I could never decide what I liked more; kissing Edward or the extra sensations that happened while kissing him. There were two distinct pleasures that melded into one mind-blowing feeling. I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss swiping my tongue across his lower lip to ask for entrance that he instantly granted.

Edward's hand ran up and down my thighs before going all the way up and gripping my ass. He pulled me closer until I could feel his growing erection pressing against me. I moaned and fisted his hair in my hands as I rocked against him. The smell of my own arousal wafted in the air around us. I was literally aching for him and I needed to feel him inside me so bad. He shifted our position so that he was on top of me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Edward began trailing kiss along my jaw and down my neck, licking and sucking in all the right places. I was breathing in short pants and writhing beneath him as he grinded against me and palmed my breasts through my shirt. My hands moved frantically to undo his buttons and remove his shirt. This was not the first time I'd seen the glory of Edward's body but his perfection still took me by surprise. His lean muscular frame was something to be worshipped. I ran my hands slowly down his body until I reached the waistband of his jeans. I was about to get rid of his pants as well when his hands moved to unbutton my shirt. My body acted of it's own accord and swiftly grabbed his wrists.

"Stop," I gasped and he did instantly.

"I'm sorry," he replied shaking his head and I could almost hear him chastising himself in his head. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," I rushed to assure him. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just…maybe we…I think we should get back to the house," I finally said lamely.

"Are you okay?"

Concern was clear in his eyes and then it was my turn to castigate myself. This was just another one of those reasons we shouldn't try to be together. I handed him his shirt and began packing up my things as quickly as I could looking anywhere but him. I just couldn't bear the sight of his flawless beauty.

"Bella just tell me what's wrong," Edward asked suddenly behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Nothing, really," I lied smoothly with a smile. "I'll race you back!"

I took off into the trees as fast as I could. I could hear Edward behind me but I already knew he'd let me win. I reached the house a whole two minutes ahead of him and found Em in the living room playing his video game.

"I'm pretty sure I can kick your ass," I told him.

"Dream on, Swan!" he scoffed. "Get your ass over here!"

By the time Edward got inside I was already deep into my game with Emmett. He came into the house and eyed me for a long time but I refused to look at him. I didn't want to give him a chance to try and talk about what had just happened. Hopefully he would understand my blatant avoidance and just let it go for the time being. And because Edward was so phenomenal he did exactly that.

The rest of the night passed without incident, but I couldn't stop thinking about the meadow. I wanted Edward. I needed Edward. I just couldn't have him. Just the thought of being naked in front of him made me shudder. The next morning after I'd showered I dried my body and then stopped to look in the mirror. I grimaced at my reflection. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't pretty at all. I looked like fucking road kill, worse than road kill. I looked like road kill after the maggots had, had their piece. I literally disgusted myself. I hurried into my closet and dressed just so that I couldn't see the horror that was me anymore.

The house was filled with Cullens. The sun had kept them all from attending school and work. They all treated sunny days like normal kids treated snow days. They were all elated and the house was alive with activity; music, laughter, and conversation. I however stayed in my room. I was thinking about Edward and how I'd left him high and dry. I'd never known vampires to suffer through blue balls but then again all the vampires I'd known had instant gratification. Just on the odd case that vampires could have blue balls, I decided that Edward deserved at least some kind of relief. I mean just because we couldn't have intercourse didn't mean that he couldn't get off…

Edward

Bella was many, many things. Subtle was not one of them. She'd ran away from me in the meadow and then completely ignored me when we got back home. Her message was loud and clear. She did not want to talk. Things hadn't been going in my favor lately so I figured I'd just drop it and let her come to me when she wanted to. She always did.

Bella kept her distance for the rest of the night and most of the next morning. The sun was shining bright in Forks. It was a rare occasion and celebrated like a damn holiday at the Cullen house. It was pretty sad the way one day off from school could make us all so happy, but then if you attended high school as many times as we did, you'd understand. The family was congregated in the living room but I was up in my room reading a new book I'd purchased. I was half way through when I heard light footsteps creeping toward my bedroom. I instantly knew it was Bella and tossed my book aside just as she entered. There was a Cheshire cat grin on her face but she held her finger to her lips telling me to keep quiet. I furrowed my brows in confusion but kept my mouth closed.

"Don't say a word. Don't make a sound. Those are the rules. Do you agree to obey," she thought. I nodded my head in perplexed agreement and she closed the door behind herself. She looked beautiful dressed in black leggings, charcoal grey over the knee boots, and a red tunic that brought out the red in her eyes. Maybe it was weird to think that was sexy but there was nothing about Bella that I couldn't find sexy. She lowered herself down to the floor and began crawling over to me slowly, never taking her eyes off me. She looked like a jungle cat on the prowl and that turned me on something fierce. I could feel myself hardening and I was powerless to stop it. I wanted to ask her what she was doing but I'd agreed to the rules and I couldn't talk.

"I feel bad about yesterday. So I've come to make it up to you," she mentally purred as she reached me where I sat on my black leather couch. She spread my legs and crawled up until her head was above my lap. She eyed my erection and licked her lips before palming me through my jeans. I opened my mouth, about to groan in pleasure, but her thoughts rang loud in my head again.

"Not a sound, Cullen! You don't want the others to hear now do you?"

I bit my lip to keep the sound in. I was starting realize what she had planned. I was thrilled by the thought and also terrified. I wasn't sure that I could obey the rules anymore. I'd never done anything like this before. I knew from other's people's minds how intense something like this could get, but not from personal experience.

Bella slowly undid my belt and jeans. "Lift your hips," she commanded and I instantly complied. She pulled my pants and boxers down just enough for my dick to spring free.

So many thoughts were running through my head. I wasn't sure if I should let her do this. I mean I'd fantasized about it plenty of times but I didn't want her to feel like she had to. This was not an act that should be performed out of guilt. I wasn't angry about her stopping us yesterday. I would wait forever for her if that's what she needed. I opened my mouth again to tell her that this was necessary. She glared at me in the way that kept me silent though. After I'd closed my mouth again she gave me the sweetest smile I'd ever seen.

"That's a good boy," she thought before bringing her body up slowly to kiss me on the lips. Her breasts rubbed against my throbbing arousal on her way up. I fisted my hands on the cushions of the couch, tearing the leather in my attempts to stay quiet. Bella settled on her knees between my legs and I watched her with rapt attention. I couldn't believe this was about to happen. She took my length in her hand and stroked me slowly from the base to the tip. My head lolled to the back of the couch and I squeezed my eyes shut. I never felt anything that good in my entire existence. Bella's hand was soft and warm and she used the perfect amount of firmness.

"Watch me, baby," her mind whispered and I brought my head up just in time to see as Bella took the tip of my erection into her hot mouth. She wanted me to watch her and I wanted that too but I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling to the back of my hand. I couldn't do anything but feel as she sucked her way down my length until her full lips were at the hilt. My toes curled and I brought my fist up to my mouth. I bit down on my knuckles needing something to distract me from the unbearable pleasure she was giving me.

She wrapped her hands behind my knees and pulled me down a little more the way she wanted me. She brought her mouth back up and swirled her tongue around the head before taking me all the way in again. She sucked hard on the way back up hollowing out her cheeks and sliding her hand down to gently massage my balls.

Her mouth was so warm and wet. The way she massaged, sucked, and licked me was driving me insane. I clenched my teeth and as my hips jerked forward. I was struggling hard to control myself but I just couldn't. Bella didn't want me to either.

"Don't hold back. Fuck my mouth, Edward," she thought.

I shook my head rapidly. I couldn't do that to her. Bella responded by releasing me from her mouth with a pop. She took the head back into her mouth and sucked and swirled her tongue wildly.

Do it, baby. Please," she begged me.

It was a shame how quickly I gave in to her. I rocked my hips pushing into her mouth slowly and she moaned around me. The vibrations did strange and wonderful things to me. She caressed and tugged my balls softly and I felt them begin to tighten. I was about to come but I couldn't say anything to tell Bella. I fisted my hand in her hair and tugged hoping to rely the message that she should move.

"Keep going, Edward. Just feel me and let go," she thought as she stared up at me through her lashes. I lost all control by that point and continued to pump into her mouth. She hummed around me again and bobbed her head meeting me thrust for thrust.

My climax racked through my body making me convulse horribly. I released into Bella's mouth and felt her swallow it down. My whole body went limp as she licked me from base to tip and stroked my thighs to bring me down from my high. After I'd caught my breath Bella righted my pants and crawled up the rest of the way to straddle my lap. I instantly locked her in my arms as she brought my head forward to rest on her bosom. She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head. The gesture was so sweet and so tender. I found myself purring in content. I wanted to thank her, tell her how amazing that was, how amazing she was and how much I loved her but the moment was too perfect. Words would only ruin it. I was pretty sure she knew all of that anyway, so I just stayed silent and just reveled in the feeling of us being wrapped around one another.